It isn't what you know but who you know

The lads a meeting with the landlorad and Rob's parents tonight. Rob's stepdad is a builder and was apparetly able to shoot the landlord down in flames over the state of the house. Also the boys don;t think he has insurance which means he could be in DEEP trouble anyway. he threatened to sue for the rent, but as the boys are students, he would sue the guarantors. Rob's guarantor for Dawlish Road was his Dad NOT his Mum. Rob's stepdad mae sure the landlors knew this and hamded over a busness card which said Mark Hunter MP House of Commons. Apparently the landlords face was a picture.

So the boys are out of the contract for Dawlish Road and can move to Warwards Road with no worries.


Now if only I can get Emily sorted out life will look a LOT better.

The good tha bad and the unlucky?

I feel overwhelmed and just about ready to scream. This has been a very mixed week. Edna continues to be frail, but seems to be getting to grips with her warfrain with a lot of inut from me and a tablet splitter to do the half tablets she needs for the 0.5mg dose. But yesterday she was uset and saying she didn't really want to be here (alive that is) . The god and bad are blindingly obvious

Emily is back from her holiday and has finally repsonded to an emial I sent her about my Occ health appointment. She was saying I ned to sign the consent form or at least give verbal consent. i told her I had given her verbal consent, and also told her I now wanted to retire. her response just focussed on the issue of the consent and she totally ignored the retirment issue completely. Didn't even acknowledge what I said. Thats more bad

Steve and the lads had a problem with the landlord becasue of damp in the house. It all got very complicated but at one point it seemd possible they might need to move into number 6 pdq. So we pushed things along and we got a fantastic quote ona gorgeous kitchen. The deal (and the kitchen) were so good that I've gone mad and orderde one for me - but not unitl I get my retirment pay , or Mum's legacy, or if I asked I know Edna would pay - but I don;t want to do that. So the house is now makig prigress - but in the end the lads found a new house in Warwards Lane and move in on Sunday.

I oredred my kitchen today, Steve got a fitting date for his klitchen today (November 3rd) (thats the good)

The unlucky is that I have just had a text from Steve telling me the landlord of Dawish Road is threatening to take them court over breaking the lease. I told Steve to get advise, but I think Robs parents may be being a bit pushy , and I have a horrible feeling the landlord may have the right of it. Where that leaves us parents (who have all acted as gurantors) I don;t know. I just hope its all hot air. But it was obvious Steve was upset and doesn't want to talk about it. Have they been unlucky or were they stupid/badly advised. I can't bail Steve out if they have to pay rent on the old place. To an extent if they havn't taken advice and thought it through properly they may learn a useful ( but potentially expensive ) life lesson. If Robs Mum and Stepdad have advised Rob badly as far as I am concerned they can sort the whole mess out.

On the plus side, I have found an incentive to walk - delivering leaflets for the lib dems. An hour today on Black Haynes road and it will be another hour or so for the other roads. Its only once every 2 months or so and I feel I am doing something against the BNP who are on the rise in the area.

I feel so down, and emotional and fed up and tired (cos I'm still not sleeping) I am in theory back at work on Monday - but faced with the imminent prospect of half pay if I don't go back. I feel I am whinging all the time .

WHAT THE FUCK CAN I DO TO MAKE THINGS BETTER AND MAKE ME FEEL BETTER AND STOP LIFE FROM GOING TO HELL IN A HANDBASKET

Getting focussed

I have been signed off work for two weeks. I had a trying weekend with Edna because she developed a severe head pain that meant the doctor had to be called out on Saturday, and I got called over to be with her. The doctor decidedit was refferred pain from neck arthritis (yes a pain in the neck!) and prescribed some Diazepam which I had to go and get for her. I then had to doctor her MDS so her night time slot contained the correct meds becase she couldn't take the Temazeam as well. I then went over on Sunday and did the same thing again. I should have rung her yesterday but didn't. Its awful to say I suspect she will almost try and get me to go over by exaggerating her symptoms. Sue told me on Saturday the moans and groans got worse the mment I arrived.

It seems clear I am going to have to play a more active role in her life, and I can't square that with full time work, so I really NEED to get my retirement sorted out. Now I have these two weeks off I can get focussed on dealing with my priority problems, and plan how I can best manage everything. It is not impossible for instance that I may have to help her manage her meds on a daily basis - a rospect that makes my heart sink at the thought of all the driving - nearly 100 miles a week. But mabe I'm being pessimistic.

I'm tired, trying to deal with my own health issues (back, bladder, BP, cholesterol,  GI tact plus the strange pain in my urethral area) fed up with confrontation at work because of the way Emily  has treated me, while I am still emotionally fragile after all the other events of this year.  Edna's health issues are the straw that has broken the camels back.

I need space to think.plan, pray and re-charge my batteries. Lets be honest I need some me time - well real some 'we' time since I feel Tony and I have not had any quality time for ages.

I want to use the blog to help me stay on track - and yes I am still trying to deal with my wieght issues as well. I will have one big help with that though. I am being refferred for 'excercse on prescripton' which will give me reduced/free gym membership.

Seeking nrmality

The long gap since my last post says it all. haven't had the energy or the will to post. Edna is out of hospital - and has been out since last Friday. Since ten I have manged to get the aperwork and bank vsts done so I am now joint signatory for her accounts, helped her navigates the periles of Warfarin dose adhustments (with a lot of help from Will Lester who has been brilliant) I have also been given a personla trainer on the NHS and may ge reduced gym membership to help me.
I phoned in sick on Monday and feel so listless and lethargic and I don't know what to do. I feel totally unable to face work - at least full time work.

I am going to see Maggie Vivien on Monday and I am hoping she will sign me off.

Dee asn't contacted me and Emily is on leave until Octiber 13th so nothing can be done to sort out my retirement/re-deployment situation until she comes back and I feel very VERY fed up.

Edna

They have discovered Edna has a small (very small) PE. So she is going onto therapeutic Clexane and is to start Warfarin. But they don't really think it is big enough to be responsible for her brathlesness. And they still don't have any idea about her foot. That foot is quite warm still and I'm not convinced the cellulitis diagnosis was totally wrong - but on the other hand the pain is a lot less.

I was relieved when I learned the INR checks can be done as home visits. How on earth would I get her to the clinic? Fosters couldn't get her there could they. And they weighed her. 53 Kg (8st 3 lbs) She used to be 10st

I have been thinking again about the sermon on interruptions. Everything seems to be forcing me to stop working - at least to stop wirking full time. Is that so I have time to do what Edna needs? Is this a sign she is going to live long enough to need that help? I hope so - but I have mixed feelings about that prospect. I wish I had a crystal ball so I could SEE what is going to happen. But then we are suposed to have faith that we will be able to cope.

I wish I could have a chat to Denise.

A week off work

I've manged to get this week off as annula leave. I didn;t really leave my boss muc choice - I think she knew if she said no I'd just go off sick

My cholesterol is very high - 6.8 but my BP is down to a more respectable 153/81 (from 168/89) but Dr Parsons wants to see me to reveiw my back (Thursday morning) and I'm being sent for H Pylori testing (Friday afternoon) plus the debtist on Wednesday plus the fact I am very tired and can't cope with rushing.

They still don't know what is wrong with Fanny's foot . They have fixated on her chest and think she has pneumonia . I've tried to tell them her chest is ALWAYS like that - but apparebntly they haven't got the records of her admission to C4, so they are talking about RATS referals (whihc she has already had) Oxygen therapy (whihc she has alreday been assessed for and doesn't need. I feel like acreaming

That Monday morning feeling

This week that Monday morning feeling is tired, with stomach pains and a creaky back and very worried.

I am dressed for work - but don't think I have much chance of making it. My mind wouldn't be on the job anyway.

Here we go again

I woke up this morning long before everyone else as usual and decided ( was called?) to go to the 8.00 am communion at St Mary's. I felt the need to shore up my spiritual strength. Halfway thriugh the service my mobile went off (how ironic thr sermon was all about interuptions) and I saw the call was from Fosters. I didn't take the call then - Istayed at the service. When it was over I rang back and dsiocevered Edna was on the verge of being re-admitted to Selly Oak. So I spent today at SOh - when I wasn't getting stuff from Edna's flat.

Why do I say I was called to go to church? Well I had a sort of premonition about my phone goin off (so why didn't I turn it off?) and there were SO many things in the service that spoke to me. The sermon about interuptions was about her interruptons can be God's way fo showing us what we SHOULD be doing rather than what we PLANNED to be doing. With that idea i mind the message of this year is crystal clear....... I think.

I am tired, I can't face work tommorrow, and I have pains in my stomach that I have suffered from for 2 days now. I am wondering if I have an ulcer. I know I am stressed beyond belief so it wouldn't surprise me if I did - but it may not be. I have an apointmeny with the Nirse tommorrow (to follow up on my cholesterol test which I know was high so I'm guessing I will be on a Statin tommorrow night. Maybe I'll be back on bendro as well - and frankly I don't give a shit at the moment.

This morning going to church was a small attempt to runaway - becasue no-one knew where I was. It was lovely for the short time before that phine went off...............

Finally

Work is over, I have one the shoping and been to see Edna and I don't have to go ANYWHERE for the rest of the w/end.I am going to chill, maybe enjoy some alcohol, and not worry about anything.

We have finally got No 6 ready for the man to come an clear it out. Then we can really start to get on with renovations.

I don't intend to think about food, or work, or finance, or anything that worries me so much these days. I have had strange stomach pains today and I do NOT intend to develope an ulcer.

The end is in sight

I have one and half days of this long week to go. I just want it to be over. Yesterday I opened the minutes of a clincial services meeting that I had not been able to attend. I was incensed to see i one paragraph that aparently I am to fill a slot in the band 6 rota from November - on C2 . Funny thats where I am now.

I blasted Emly (politely) in a email which included the relevant paragraph from the minutes. I copied Dee in on te email. Dee repsonded by seding a new e-mail (not including mine) to Emily John and Donna making it plain SHE was concerned and annoyed and demanding immediate communication about wtf is going on. I am nervous about what may happen if Emily is doing the meeting at SOH this morning. I still don't know if she is oncompetent at man management or or if this is a delibeate ploy to get rid of me. So if she does want us to meet she can talk and I will isten but I am saying NOTHING without talking to Dee first.

Last night I was in the mod for comfort food se we had pie and chips from Barnes Hill. I got a larg portio between us and we still have loads left over. I am eating smaller portions I am sure.

I haven't lost sight of what I am trying to do.

This is a LONG week

And it will be longer than normal becasue I am working on Saturday.

I am tired and very creaky this morning. I overslept and for 2 pins would phone in sick I feel sh*te.

Update

I'm tired, my back has been playing up all day, and I ended up having to lock up on a day when I had left the car at home.

Food has gone OK, I have managed to walk more - although my back has aid the price for that. Work sor tof went OK - but I want to know what they are planning on offerring me

Making a good start

Breakfast is one kiwi fruit and one weetabix and I am eating it slowly.
I have cooked sweetp otato to use in the meal tonigh to save time
I have washed up
But my back is already creaking. I guess it can't al be good news.

I have realised one of the items on Paul's list is to d te mirror excercise and send love t yourself. I realise that is soemthing I haven't been doing lately. So I am going to make an effort to do that today. Maybe not the mirror excercise but some other way of showing I love myself

I have realised I have slipped back into eating what I think I should rather than what I want. I must work on that.

Am I going to leave the car at home today? Big dilemma. I want to try but my back worries me. Watch this space later for the answer

Bedtime update

Yes - I'm managing to make a second post. Things are looking up. No if only I can get my refelctive diary going for work I will be doing OK.

It appears Emily does have plans for me - but IO have still have no idea why the HIV job is no longer apparently on offer. Whatever is in the wind seems to include me doing C2 - something Emily did mention to me some weeks ago. Renda told me she thought the decision to put me ti hel her on C2 was made by Emily. But she is almost as confused as I am wondering what os happening. But I do feel more optimistic.

Food was a bit out of control, and I can't walk much becasue of my back. But on the whole I do feel beter than I have felt dor some time even though my back has been twinging all day

So things are going sort of OK

Tuesday

Well I'm posting again 24 hours later. So I guess thats some sort of discipline restored. Food was a farce yesterday as the drug lunch made it go totally wrong - which it sholdn't have done. I'm still not dealing with comfort eating and thats the main problem.

My back started to play up again around 4 yesterday afternoon and I am now quite cioncern ed about how much longer I can carry on at this pace. I really need my retirment to be settled. Emily was at SOH yesterday - and didn't say a word to me about the whole re-deployment issue. I think she is avoiding me - which makes me even more worried.

Thats about it really. I am already getting interested about what my next post will say.

The key word is still THINK POSITIVE

That Monday morning feling

Its Monday morning I am eating a very healthy breakfast of weetabix (1) Kiwi fruite (1) and plain yoghurt. Once upon a time it would have have been 2 weetabix and possibly 2 Kiwi fruit. And I am eating it slowly. So although I havn't been listening to the tape or really following the programme siomething is sticking.

I'll use the car today to make sure I get home in time for the game (and hope I'm NOT locking up).

If there is no news about the re-deployment I will contact Dee.

I wil try to go to the gym in my lunchhour

That sounds like a plan to me. I think I'm in control of things I can be in control of. All I need to do is stop stressing about things I can't control.

The Monday morning feeling this week is ....well not exactly good but positive.

Giving up?

It is SO tempting to just delete this blog and say I and it have failed. But I'm not going to do that. OK so it has been a week since my last entry - and a dificult week at that. Edna is still unwell; I've been over to see her twice whihc takes time away from Tony. The job I was supposed to be being redeployed into has been advertised and no-one is telling me (or Dee) wtf is going on. I feel as if Emily wants to get rid of me - and frnakly if she does I still think it is her loss. And to put the tin lid on it my back is playing up again due to a combination of trying to do a bit too much and stress making relaxation an impossible dream.

Food control has been difficult. I am eating smaller portions but biscuits are still a problem. And I have still haven't mastered the art f only eatig when I'm hungry.

I feel like screaming - but deep down I know I can still turn all this to a positive persepctive. After all one reason why my back is playing up is because I have been trying to 'move my body' as PMcK would say.

I also listend to the tape forthe first time in days this morning. I didn't go under but I managed to get all the way though whihc is a huge improvment.

I may be down but I am NOT out

I wish I was clairvoyant

I am clearly not because I would never have taken such a optimistic tone in my last post. Edna is unwell againwith both legs leaking copiuously to th epoit where on Friday morning when she woke up she thought she had wet the bed. She ow has to sit with both legs bandaged, and keep her feet up. . Sturday the weather was sooo bad I couldn't avross to see her because of heavy flooding. Sunday she was bretahless again but Steve and I did manage to get to see her yesterady afternoon. Not that it did much good although I think she did take on board that there is no physical reason for her breathlessness and that if she can relax and take a couple of deep breaths when she starts to feel it coming on she will be better.

She gave me Len's (her brother) phone number and address and asked me to ring him. He is clearly worried about her and was grateful that I said I would keep in touch with him.

Do I really wish I was clairvoyant? Porbably not. How would feel if I knew Edna was going to die soon I don't know.

So I once again feel I am being tossed around in stormy seas with litle or no control over events. So I am still tryig to take control over the things I can which means after a difficult week last week, food and excercise are at te top of my agenda.

I haven't managed to eat all my breakfast whihc is a good sign I guess.

I'd like to think I woud make another serious attenpt at my refelctive CPD journal. I will try

Time out

Well things are getting back to normal. Edna is nw home and although she still has problems, the warden is there to cope with most things. I've finally recovered from cystitis, had a scare that I was diabetic and got some good advice form the incontinence clinic. I've told UHB what I want to do about jobs, and despite 2 very bad nights sleep tonight I am feeling quite bright - altough tired but it is ten o'clock.

In short I've survived a difficult week and regained some control over my life, and next week I will try and be more disciplined about food, excercise, and journals. I haven;t done anyhting in my work refelctive journal for some time. I must MAKE time for things like that

So after my unexpected time out with Edna's problems, now its back to normality

Really pleased about one thing. Tony and I are going to see Colin Fry in October.

New week new start?

I have spent the weekend going to see Edna, getting clothes from her flat, and wathcing MHL- so it hasn't been all bad. I've also managed to beat up a lot of pixels on FFX. I've zoomed through Bevelle, the second fight with Seymour, and got to the Calm Lands.

But I am SO tired. I'm not sure I'll make it to work tommorrow - and I don't care what work think. If I end up signed off I end up signed off.

Food has gone better today whihc is another plus

Not really got much energy to write much today

A chaotic week

It has all gone wrong this week. Edna was admitted to hospital on Tuesday and is stil there as I type this. I came down with cystitis on Tuesday evening (cause and effect??) and was put on antibotics on Thursday after normal remedes were less than successful.

I HAVE decided about my jobs. I'm going for retirement and 2 days a week as an HIV pharmacist. It still feels as if Emily is tryig to ut me off ANY job. She has pointed out to me that this job is funded by the HIV team so 'its lie working an sla' because they will contribute to gal setting etc. All I can say s hooray - it would e nice to HAVE some acheivable goals and a mangement that is bothered enough to set them. But I have also said I won;t do on call at the moment. In the JD for the HIV job it is voluntary. I'm wonderuing if Emily will try to change the JD to mae it compulsory , If she does I think she will have both Dee and Donna on her back telling her she can't do that. This feels like a win/win. 2 days a week at Selly Oak leaves me at least 2 days when I can locum - but the 2 days a week steady incme gives me some security.

As if systitis wasn't enough my IBS has cut in and sut my bowel down totally so I'm back on Movicol. I've been too dostracted to do PFM excercises and as for food ....well it feels totally out of control.

Things can only get better................................

Time to get organised

OK te bank holiday is over, and I need to focus on 2 things.
1) my job
2) getting fit.

The job I need to think about and talk to Emily to see what the bit about on-call means. And I need to talk to Dee about various 'what if' scenarios.

As far as getting fit is concerned I need to concentrate on eating SSSSLLLOOOOWWWLLYYY. And I need to do more about excercise. Its 8.10. I have time to walk to work. Am I going to?

And the fallout continues..................

Steve came round this morning just after 9.00. When I came down (I was in the bath) it was obvious there was something wrong. Thankfully he didn't go into male stoic mode but decided to let it all out. He started by saying he thought he was mad and needed a psychiatrist. I manged to convince him he wasn't mad, that what he was feeling was normal bereavment reaction. One c rying jag and some informal counselling later he has decided to go and see the chaplain at the universtity if he can to talk the whole thing though.

I am quite releived becasue I have been worried for months that he needed to talk about Alan, but he assured me his friends were suporting him. I'm glad he was able to talk to me at least initally, and I a so relived he has acepted the advice to talk professionally to somone.

We went to see Edna and guess what - she didn't go out. I wonder why I bother.

I'm still no nearer making a decision about the job.

Two days later

and things are not a lot better .

First Edna. Steve and I are going over tomorrow. We have suggested we take her out to the cafe for lunch. She hasn;t said no - but both of of us think she will find a reason not to go. I am going to have to work hard to keep my temper with her.

The meeting today at work did not go well. I was very glad Dee was there. She had assured me on Thursday that I was taking a reaonable attitude. Its a shame Emily didn't seem to agree. Emily didn;t want to offer me anything really. The two MMAG posts have both gone ot to advert. Emily was suprised to discover that even if I didn't fit the personel spec . She made it clear she didn't think I was suitable for either post, and didn;t think I could cope with the stress of the job. The HIV job she had prevously mentioned is only 0.4 wte so thats a non starter. The only bright spot is that the TPN/surgery job has also been offerred. At least that is one I know I can do - probably standing on my head!.

But there is NO flexiniltiy about hours. I wanted to be able to leave before 5.30 so i can't get sucked into staying late. I would still do locking up when needed. But Enily is not prpeared to budge. if I have to work overtime (and pharmacy is renowned for the fact they we all work overtume) then I just have to take it is TOIL - except it isn't possible to.

I have decide if I want to work for a boss who doesn't think I am up to the job, ands thinks working overtime is an occuptaional hazard. I have a week to decide

The rehab class went well although I am now tired. Food has gone OK, but I am very stressed (can't thnk why)

I am SO glad its the weekend and a long weekend at that.

Defiing failure - or success

I might as well write about how I feel at the moment. Puttig it down in print may help me. I've just been thinking about next Saturday when Steve and i are HOPING to persuade Edna to take a little trip down the road to the cafe for lunch. I am convinced she will find an excuse not to go - and f she does I'm going to feel I've failed her. To be honest I feel I've failed so many people. I failed Alan, I failed - or disappointed - Mum, I falied Steve in some ways by not handling the divorce form Alan better. I fialed Steve by buyin g a house so close to Alan. I feel I failed the Women's, I feel like a total f****ing failure.

I can't even say today went badly at work - it didn't. I haven't had a brilliant day, food has got away from me a bit, I haven't 'moved my body' as much as I would have liked but I've tried.

I think the problem is I am convinced that Friday is going to go badly. Either they won't offer me anything decent, or they won't be repared to be at all flexible as regards my hours. The bottom line is I can do a full time job - when full time means 37 and a half hours a week. What I can;t do is work lots of extra time by staying late to finsih work in the dispensary and then try ans scrabble to take it back as TOIL. I will be exhausted. But I don't think they will be prepared to give me any flexibility under IWL. I know Emily can't understand why an 8a job at SOH should be so much less stressful than my joib at BWH.

Oh God its all so crap at the moment. I am back at the 'I want to run away' stage. Maybe it would be beter to just chuck it in at the hospital and go as a locum for a while. Then maybe I could get my head in order. But running away won't solve anything.


AARRGGGHHHHH. I am so fed up. Hope I feel better in the morning

Excercise good for you

I enjoyed my time in the gym. I did 20 minutes on the treadmill at 5.5 mph, and 5 minutes on the bike. Average HR was 105 so I feel Idid a good cardio workout as well as helping my back. Calorie counter was close to 100. I tried to use the pedal machine this machine but fixing t in place is tricky. But I will try to use it daily if I can.

I finallt got my blood taken for the cardiac assesment - but I had to go to SOH in the end.

I am going to see Maggie Vivien this morning - a 20 minute slot as she suggested.

Food didn't go TTO wel yesterday. Choclate biscuits and allsorts proved tempting and I broke the golden rules :-(. But this mornign I don't feel hungry so I haven't eaten. I'd better make sure I take some cereal with me for a late breakfast at work.

I'm still very bervous about how Friday's meeting will go. I've not heard back from Dee about metting up beforehand. But the worst that can happen is we can't agree - I retire and move on.I am still not convinced Emily understands why returning to BWH is impossible for me. I don't think se is a people person at all. I also don;t think she understands IWL. I've told her I want to see how much flexibility there is under IWL. She was adamant I couldn't drop Saturday's but I'm sure if I apply under IWL I might be able to do. But it ay be better to go for odd hours. If I could leave before 5 or at 5 I know I would be a lot less tired.

Work went OK yesterday. Today I'm going with Erika when she goes to B3 to see how she works. That will help me cover the ward better.

Who is disiplined ver a weekend anyway?

It all went to pot over the weekend. No PFM (although I did complete the diary) junk food al weekend, no rela excercise and depsite having a games weekend I spent a lot of it down because I a so worried about Edna.

I went to see her on Saturday and although my tantrum last weekend did shake her a bit she is still very down. She also doesn't seem to be taking the antbotics. I chated wit Alma and she is convince she isn't eating, but also feels she may be playing me a bit. Sadly se is capable f that. But te botom line is if she doesn't treat this chest infection and isn't eating, she isn't going to get better. Alma and I both feel she wants to die - ad if that is true there is nothing we can about it. But I have some very complex emotions about that. I think I need to talk to someone professionally (something Edna of course refuses to do!) So need to decide if I am going to include the GP in this accepting the possibility I may be depressed too and may need more than CBT. I am wondering if I am really in the best frame of mind to decide about my future. However at least at te moment the presumption is now that I will be working full time. Trouble is I am SO tired this morning I am wondering if full time work s possible? Is this genuie tiredness duew to lack of stamina or is it a sign of depression? That settles it I need to include the GP.

There is no odut blogging is a very useful tool!!

I have to starve ths morning because I am having bloods taken for cholesterol. I aalso intending to make use of the gym at work over the lunchtime. 20 minutes on the treadmill will be useful for my back, good for my general health and hopefully will release some endorphins and et me or epositive again. Actually even the thought of it is making me feel better. I am visualising myself jogging slowly on the treadmill. I am aso visulaising the pleasure I will feel when the HT monitor goes to 100 and wondering what the calories count will be. Fun!!!!

I really DO feel motivated to excercise more. Dam tha Paul McKenna - he's brainwashed me - and I'm delighted.

My mood has done a complete 180 writing this today. I got up depressed and tired wondering if I could face a full week at work, and I now feel energised and enthused - although still very worried about Edna.I REALLY need to think about that change and what it means.

I did it

I've final worked a full week. And considering I had my spinal rehab class today as well, I feel surprisingly lively. I'm quite pleased that I've been given permission to use the gym at work over the lunctimes on Monday's and Thursdays so I can get in some extra rehab work and excercise that hopefully will help to increase my stamina.

My chat with Emily went sort of OK. It looks possible that I coudl be re-deployed to an 8a post - but Emily vetoed any idea of me not working Saurdays. But she may not realise about Improving working lives. I think I can at least request it. I need to check with Dee. I still don't know how to relate to Emily. I'm not sure if she's a people person or a systems person. I suspect the latter - whhc is a shame as I really need a people person at the moment

Food managment slipped a bit today. A snickers bar got consumed. I really fancied it, and I did eat it slowly and consciously and enjoyed every lucious mouthful.

I'm going to see Edna tommorrow. Fngers crossed it goes OK.

Stress

Stress is a funny thing. I know I need a certain amount of it to work at my best. I'm a 'give me a deadline and I'll work to it' sort of person. In some ways the more I have to do the more productive I am. But nowadays I know the work needs to be more desk based than walking around wards. I am begginig to think if UHB can re-deploy me into an 8a at SOH I may be able to understake it full time. It all depends on wha Emily can offer me - if anything.

So what is my plan for today? Well I have my spinal rehab class,2 wards (including B4 ) a dispensary session and a meeting with Emily. But I am still intending to take a walk at lunchtime and take time for my reflective portfolio. Any excse to write!!!

I was so pleased with the way I managed my fod yesterday. I really do feel I am back in control after a wobble when Mum died. I now have a god visualizatio of how I WANT to lok at my ideal weight ...and its a visulaization naked oooeerrr. And last night I lstened to the CD and went right under - the firs time for ages. Rightly or wrongly I always take that as a sign that I really relaxed and at the moemt that has got to be a very good thing.

So today breakfast was 1 weetabix and a kiwi fruit Lunch will be the remains of yesterday dnner and some fruit. Dinner - well I'll make that u when I get home.

I am still a bit peckish after the cereal so I may have a slice of toast before I leave.

I am feeling very good about today, and I feel good about myself - which in some ways is more important.

Positively positive

Well I did stay positive today, depsite a really upsetting time on the wards. I reaised I had been assigned B4 the ward where Alan died. I found myself imagining what his admission notes must have said, how he must have looked as he lay dying. I left the ward and spent the next 15 minutes in the chapel in floods of tears. When I got back Becca saw I was upset and I told her what happened. Without telling me she told Renda who re-arranged next weeks rota so i don't have to do B4 again.

Apart from that it was a good day. I can put a tick against every item on the check list. In fact I couldn;t finish my lunch or my dinner today. also went for a walk at lunctime again.

Work went well even when I had a panic becasue I had been assigned to the OP dispensary and hadn't realsied. Actually t was a doddle and I had a great time. but my initial reaction was very panicky and thats not good. The moment I feel I've lost control over things, I lose the plot.

I am making a great effort to keep control on everything - including my emotions - but it doesn't always work. However its a lot better than it was!

Keeping positive

Thats what I'm focussing on now so I will list all the things tat went right yesterday - starting with the McK check list

I listened to the CD
I ate slowly and conciosly and what I really wanted and enjoyed every mouthful - with the result I didn't overeat the chinese takeaway. We have lad left for another meal
I moved my body by taking a walk during my lunch hour
I thought positive by starting to write doen what I CAN do at work rather than worrying about what I can't do. That is bound to help Emily decide what she can offer me
I rememebered to do my PFMX

On the whole I'm doing pretty well at the moment all things considered.

I didn't make an entyr in my reflective portfolio - didn't have time but I wll try and do one today

Tony loved the picture I got him, and we both got a lovely warm feeling when we heard steve take a call and say he was at 'his parents' and 'its my dads birthday' Dad - not stepdad.

My back is getting slightly more troublesome the longer I stay at work. I think I need some 'inner smile' to help deal with it - and maybe my other problems as well. Breakfast was toast, with a cocktail of Paracetamol, Ibuprofen, Lansoprazole and Movicol. The liquid doesn't leave much room for food! I may take some cereal into works with me for a midmorning snack.

I want to try and get my 3 day diary done for the inconctinence clinic starting today - I am NOT going to let my body just fall apart because I am nearer 60 than 50. I am in charge of my health - and I know what to do.

Happy Birthday Tony

That sums up what today is about. Steve will be round later and we will be having a takeaway tonight to celebrate.

Thanks to the McKenna plan a takeaway doesn't mean guilt for falling off a diet. It means I know I will not overeat.

I realised my discipline did fall in one respect yesterday, I forgot the ******pfm excercises. But I've realised I can do them sitting at the pc at work. I think I eed to get them OUT of the ome environment so when I am at home I dn't have to think about them.

I am lookin forward to work intellectually - but physically finding it challenging. This week will be my first full week in over 8 months. I guess I have to expect a certain amount of tiredness. But could I manage full time work f I was primarily desk bound? I think I could and that gives me reason to be optimistic.

Discipline

I have decided displine is the key to acheiving what I want. Today I have been disciplined. I managed my food well, I managed some quiet time, I made an entry in my relective portfolio, and I am making a second blog entry.

I did a full day at work and I am now very tired. Work went OK though.

The only thing I am NOT doing well is excercise - except I have been walking up the tairs to get to my ward, so that must count for something.

Can I keep the discipline going for the next 2 or 3 days?

A quick look back

I can't carry on with this without reflecting on the disastrous events f the weekend. I had a HUGE row with Edna when I losy my patience with her 'I don't want to bother anyone' 'Nothings to work anyway' and finally 'Well I don't think they care anyway' Implication was nobody cares - and I lost it. I realised on Sunday that she is depressed and doesn't feel she is worth caring about. Been there done that, got the T shirt. I now have to work out how to mend my fences with her and get her to get the help she needs.

I didn't listen to McK last night - couldn't settle. I've also had a bad night so I'm quite tired this morning bt I am positive about work, positive about food, and positive that I can turn my health problems round without resorting to medication.

So we will see what happens during the day!

New beggining - I hope

Well I managed a full day at work, managed to manage my food, but forgot to do my pelvic floor excercises at lunchtime. But I DID start my reflective CPD journal - so on the whole a good day I think.

I am very tired though.

I will do my PFM excercises tonight in bed -I did some this morning before I got up.
I have resitsed biscuits - becasue I am not really hungry. I was given a kick up the bakside when my BP came in at 168/89 this morning. I know its due to all the stress I have been under - but I must get control of that stress. So tonight I am going to get back to sing the McKEnna tracks. I do NOT want to end up on anti-hypetensives, OR a statin - or anyting else to correct lifetyle problems.

I AM IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE AND MY HEALTH

Memory lapse

I forgot to make any entry yesterday. The highlight of yesterday was an appointment at the incontinence clinic and the introduction of formal pelvic floor muscle excercises 3 times a day plus i have to keep a diary of drinks and loo visits for 3 days.

Anyway where are we this morning? Well I'm not at work, but today I have my first spinal rehab class which I decided to do as something positive to take control of one problem aspect in my life. I did my PFM excrcises i bed this morning, will do a second set at lucnchtime and a 3 rd set in bed this evening. I worked out the schedule yesterday and am deternined to stick to it. On Monday I have a helath check at the doctors to assess my risk of CV disease. I jst hope that doesn't end up with me on statin, ACEI etc. I know they will tell me to lose weight.

So back to the original purpose of this blog - the weight loss programme. This morning I realied I was eating breakfast even though I wasn't really hungry. So I must get control of my eating again. I know why it slipped, but now its time to get back in control.

I AM IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE.

Tonight is Denise's inauguration and I am going to it. It will be lovely to see Denise again although I had nightmares about the drive to get to Bridgenorth. I must work out my route later.

Bedtime blogging

I guess its a good sign that I'm making another entry today. I still feel crap. I am still haunted by the way I broke down yesterday at the wrong time. Really stupid. I did get around to tellig Tony what had happened. His FB status for yesteday was fantastic. It mentioned his loved ones and hoping the day wasn't too upsetting. I know he loves us, but I am still hurt that he didn't come to the funeral with us - even though I sort of understand his reasons.

I don't know yet if I am going to work tommorrow. If I feel this bad in the morning then I won't be going, A lot will depend on if I sleep tonight.

Time to move on

Well the funeral is over. It went as well as these things ever do - excet in nearly broke down at the begginin gof the bible reading. The boys managed to act as pall bearers with great dignity, Bob read his peice wonderfully and Jane managed her bt of the bible reading. Steve found it more upsetting than he thought he would - whihc was what I expected in a way.

Today I feel tired, drained, and emotionally dead again. I have to decide if I am going to try and go to work tommorrow - but I will think about that later.

I got some shocking news via FB from Matt Goyder. Graham Evans died last week and his funeral was yesterday. He was so helpful in the aftermath of Alan's death I must contact Janet and Dale and give them our sympathies. Edna will be upset about that as well.

I am going to hand over all the paperwork about Alan's estate to Steve and tell him he now needs to take the lead. will advise/help but he needs to push things along. Reducing my rresponsibilities by one will help me cope - and he has plenty of time at the moment.

I am back to coping one day at a time. Well so be it. At the moment thats how it needs to be.

F day -3

3 days to the funeral. I just want it to be over. I am having to face the fact that Tony is not willing to come with us. He is so fed up at the moment. He has said, and I beleive him, he just wants all the crap sorted out. HOW DOES HE THINK I FEEL ABOUT IT.

Not sure how to deal with this at the moment. I am in a prime mood to have a row with someone, and since I can't argue with the people I am really upset with (Tony and Jane) I must be careful I don't have a row with someone who dosn't deserve it.I am thinking of keeping out of everyone's way today.

Jane is upsetting me because she is so endlessly busy and trying to organise me as well as everyone else, and if I'm honest I hate the over sentimental tone of the funeral. It is going to be a very religious service, with 3 hymns 3 HYMNS . Who des she think is going to sing? OK part of this is gult because Alan's funeral was organised in such a different way and I feel guity that some of things I think should have been done were not done - but that funeral was for Steve and Edna. My guilt is my problem not Jane's and I musn't transfer the feelings to Jane,

I am releived that she seems to have realised she is going to need more than a week off work to deal with her feelings. I feel sorry for Bob - but he has had years to learn how to cope with her, and I am sure he will reign her in if she goes over the top. I can understand why Steve and Tony are intimidated by him - but he does love Jane and does care for her and I can forgive him for being intimidating because he does that

I just hope the tone of the eulogy will have been left more or less as I wrote it, and she has agreed to include vs 28 for the reading - and thats the bit I am doing. So I do feel I have had some inut to the ceremony.

I really wish I could just vanish for a week then come back and find everything had been sorted out. I need to do some shopping today. I want to get a new chain for Mum's cross as I want to wear it on Tuesday and I want to look for a suitable outfit. I can always wear my black suit but I'd like a new top.

I may just take all day to do the shopping, and may just go somewhere other than Northfield - maybe Redditch ? I really don't fancy the city centre - but maybe it would be good to go there.

I need to get moving or I won't do anything.

New month - new begining

I was too tired to make an entry last night - but I did manage to work until 5.30 so it isn't that surprising.

I think expecting normality with the funeral looming ahead is probably nrealistic. Yesterday I went ofor a chat with Sue one of the chaplains. I ended up in tears of course, but Sue was very good prayed over me and annointed me with healing oils.

I've finally seen the reading Jane wants for the funeral and I don't really like it, but I guess its too late to find a new one now. But I am going to try and add a erse in. She has chosen Romans 8 25 -27 then 35 to the end. I want to add in verse 28 whihc is the only verse that speaks to me at the moment. 'or we know that all things work together for good for them that love God'

This was started as a weight lss journal to accompany my use of the Paul McKenna programme. Last time I started and ended at 14st 6. This time I know was around 15st. I weighed myself this m rning (not sure why) and I am now 14st 4 and half lbs. So something IS going right for me somewhere, despite everything.

I've been thinking of starting a reflective CPD journal so something about this bloging is getting into my psyche and making me realise how useful a journal can be. Well I DO enjoy writing after all and it ght well help me decide about my future career. However that will be done off line.

I start my spinal rehab class today. I saw Rachel yesterday and she agreed I stil fitted the criteria and o and behold the new class starts today! It was obviously meant to be. It isn't the full class today but I still think it will tax my back. I will report later tonight (or maybe tommorrow??)

Restoring normality (whatever normality is)

Well I'm up at normal time, I've breakfasted slowly and conciosuly, I'm about to go and make my lunch. I' planning a whole day day at work (maybe even until 5.30 which will be the latest I've done so far!) .

I spent a quiet 20 inutes in bed without the radio on, praying and doing visualisation or trying to do visualisation.

I am making a morning entry in the blog, having spent some time on e-mails and other internet stuff (Facebook is adictive!)

I think I am getting back to normal. We'll see how it goes and I will rpeort back in tonights entry

Restoring manual control?

I suppose an entry every other day isn't too bad at the moment. I went to work today - although I didn't stay all day. I decided today wold be a good day to take the half day I am owed from working the other Saturday. I managed OK at work bt was glad to leave when I did, I got paid today -good news - but ther think I am still off sick - so they put me down to half pay with SSP. So my money was over 500.00 short. I have managed to sort it out and I will get the money I am owed on Tuesday - but it dod feel rather as if someone is getting great pleasure out of crapping on me from a great height .

However I am now determined that I am NOT going to take more than 5 days during my current problems and I AM going to work full hours - even if it means I have ti use the car every day.

Food hasn't been totally out of control - but I haven't really binged so I feel I am doing well under the circumstances. I am NOT superwoman - and I am NOT going to critcise myself.

I really am feeling better today, and I do now beleive (as opposed to know intellectually) that I will survive all this sane

On autopilot

I didn't even make an entry yesterday. I don't have anything specifically to say at the moment except that everything is still crap and I still feel numb. I'm going down to Wycombe today to help out and I'm dreading it. But I'm moving on autopilot

Yesterday I was autopilot for eating too whihc is hardly suprising, but today I am going to try to stick to the 4 rules.

I have got to feel I have control over some part of my life (food), even if most of the rest is in total chaos. If Iwas anorexic that last statement would be very worrying since all anorexics starve themselves because they want control over something. Maybe I should be worried that I feel like that. I know mentally I'm not at my best at the moment (understatemnet of the year? decade?) and I don't need unresolved mental health problems on top of everything else.

Moving forward

I've spent time thinking today about how bloody awful this year has been. I just want to wipe it out and forget it - but I know I can't. So they only way I can cope with all the bad stuff sthat has happened is to try and get some good stuff out of the experiences. That will take time.

Intellectually I know one day I will look back at this and say 'Yes it was awful - but I survived it and came out the other end sane' At te moment I can't imagine how I am going to do that. I think I need to find 'Care of the Soul' an dip into that. My soul needs something at the moment - but I'm not sure what.

People ask me 'how are you' and I say 'Doing as well as can be expected under the circumstances' Actually considering the circumstances I think I'm doing very well indeed. But I still feel very detached from everything. When that ends , then I think I'm in for a very rough time - and maybe thats what I'm scared of.

Mike is here today - and is very kindly providing a meal for us tonight. He has brought the ingredients and will do the cooking. I was really touched by that. I think its more a thank you for all the meals he's had here over the weeks, but tts nice he chose to do it this weekend when its obvious I'm not going to be at my best.

I feel so lucky to have so many good friends supporting me, who can accept that I don't feel like talking or doing much at the moment

A long day

This day seems to have lasted for ever I was up so early. As per normal Jane and Bob are mega organized . They've already thoought about the funeral, does Steve want to help carry the coffin (he doesn't) flowers and a suitable charity for non family members (Mum's beloved Donkey Sanctuary) I've even been told details of her bequests. I sense that Jane is coping by burying herself in activity and lists and orgaization.

My hardest moment today was ringing the home to thank them for the way they looked after Mum. When I saw her last week she was at such pains to tell me how happy she was at Hazlemere Lodge and I wanted the staff to know. I didn't know the woman I spoke to - but she knew Mum and said what a wonderful person she was.

She could be when she wanted - but she could be very manipulative at times. That wasa side she didn't show to the staff at the Lodge.

I've tried to imagine the funeral and can't without my stomach knotting up. I can't begin to imagine how I will get through it

I am tired, numb, have a stinking headache, can't concentrate on anything, and feel generally shitty. I am bad tempered, and lousy company. But what do I expect?

On the plus side it seems I am going to get a good legacy. I didn't know Mum had much money but the boys all get 1000.00 (verbal bequest according to Bob who I presume is executor) and he casually said there was 20.000 in one account which would come to me!! I may have misunderstood and it has to be split between Jane and I but at the very least I will get 10,000 which will pay off a lot of debts, and that isn't all her money.

I have contacted work to let them know. I am entitled to 5 days compassionate leave. I don't know what to do about work really. I wasn't myself before all this happened. I am worried I clould be an accident looking for somewhere to happen at the moment. But I may feel better once I have ad some sleep. I hate to do it, but I will have to use Zopiclone for a day or two

RIP Mum

Its stupidly early o'clock but I can't sleep. I was due to go down to see Mum today to help Jane but she died yesterday evening. I expected it, and it is to an extent a releif. But I am very worried about how Jane will cope. I am also worried about me. I am numb. I haven't really cried and I know that isn't normal. Its all too soon after Alan's death and all the grief that caused. I am dreading the funeral. I don't think Steve ought to go to Mum's funeral. He didn't know her that well, and I am worried about it stirring up memeories of Alan's funeral and stirring up emotions he isn't ready to deal with. But I am positive he will want to come to support me.

I don't know what to do about that. I also don't know what I ought to do about work. I don't know if I am capable of working or not. A lot will deend on how well I sleep. I wouldn't be fit today thats for sure but I must tell work what has happened today.

An addicition???

Blogger was down last night when I went to post. I really missed it and I'm glad its back this morning. Tis bloging lark is definitely addicitive. Imnd you if it IS, then would be a likely sufferer as I do like writing.

Anyway yesterday didn't do as badly as it could have done - but definitely wasn't a shining success. The gnawing hunger of yesterday morning did abate, but I couldn't resist some comfort eating, although I did eat everything conciously. It really has been a long time since I ate anything quickly - even a biscuit. Overall my consumtion of biscuits is still WAY done, I haven't eaten crisps for days, and haven't treated myself to a choclate bar for weeks. The days when I could buy a triple Bounty bar and eat all three while waiting for the bus to Selly Oak have totally gone. My portion sizes are still smaller than they used to be so taken as a whole I am still doing OK. Yesterday was a blip. Certainly today I am NOT feeling hungry yet so haven't eaten anyhting desite the fact that I really want some Ibuprofen and won't take them on an empty stomach. I need to time my Ibuproefen to when I have eaten - not eat soemthing becasue I need Ibuprofen as I did last night.

Talking of Ibuprofen, I am needing more painkillers. Yesterday I was starting to get marked twinges in my back, so I left about 4.00. I decided not to risk twinges becoming shooting pains. I had to take painkillers at work as well. First time I've had to that for a long time.

So how did I do with dealing with yesterdays list of stresses? Well I contacted every friend who is spiritual in any way and aksed for prayers for Mum and Jane. This meant Denise and I are back in contact and I now have her e-mail address. She had lost my new mobile number and didn't recognise my number when I texted her. She was genuinely pleased to learn it was me contacting her. I dodn't hear anything from Jane yesterday so I suppose no news is good news.

Today Steve and I are going to take the next steps to securing his estate - sending leters of administration to the many and varios people who need them. That will be a wieght off my mind. If things go well with lloyds today he may even get access to 20,000 in which case I may suddenly no longer have an overdraft. I know his priority will be to pay me what he owes me.

This morning I am going to draft loads of letters for him so all he has to do is approve them, print them off and sign them. He has no idea how to word a formal letter. I will do it THIS time then he will learn so next time he can do it himself. Unless he formally asks me to look after that side of things for him - be a sort of secretary. Bottom line is he is only 19 and a student. He doesn't have the time or the experience to do a lot of the stuff he needs to do in relation to the house. But I must resist the tempation to become an interfering mother , and I must resist coddling him. In the end its his house, his business and I don't to force him to involve us (me and Tony) in the business. I think he wants us involved - but our roles need to be defined the way HE wants.

I am really looking forward to this break from work. I don't go back until Monday. My back will be glad of the rest. I am looking forward to re;axing, doig what I want , and really looking forward to going over to Rachel's tonight :-)

Doh!!!!

Tiredeness has been a big factor over the past few days, and I haven't been sleeping well. So last night I decided to take a zopiclone 3.75mg. I woke ( as I thought) jist before 7 (the time I'd set the alarm) so got up and did all the usuual things. It wasn't until I sat down with thre my breakfast (I was VERY hungry) and turned on the TV that I realised it was only just past 6.00. As Homer Simpson would say Doh!!!

I am hungrier this morning than I have been for some time, and its hit a lot earlier. Normally at 6 I'd be thirsty but not yet ready for breakfast. It is a real effort of will to eat slowly as well. Something isn't right this morning. It could be my body's reactio to yesterdays lapses, I suppose it could be due to the zopiclone, it could also be an emotional reaction to the unpleasant dream I had just before waking. I need to be very careful with food today and really go back to basics to re-estanlish my control of food. I am NOT going to let it manage me. I think the key is water and lots of it. Sadly I think I'll be needing lots of it to wash down analgesics today :-(

I've just swigged down my morning cocktal (2 paracetamol, 1 Ibuprofen, and 1 lansoprazole to prevent the heartburn caused by the Ibuprofen) with a mug fall of water. I am determined I am not going to eat anything else for at least an hour. This isn't real hunger; its that nervous hunger I thought I had got rid of. Why is it back?

This is a real blow - but maybe its a good think becasue I was beggining to get complacent - as yesterday's lapses showed. I haven't listend to the tape for days. I have plenty of time this morning before I go to work. Maybe I should use half an hour it for that? Or maybe I need to work out what has triggerred this very emotional response and decide what i am going to do about the situation to correct it.

So what is making me worried at the moment?

1) Mum - about which I can do nothing except pray.
2) Finances. Now this is one I can do something about by actually making sure I know exactly what my outgoings are and what my disposable income actually is. I need to stop being a coward.
3) The result of the meeting about my future at work. What is the absolute worse case scenario? I take early retirment, and leave the hospital completely . I'm not going to be without work because locums are still needed. I am not going to be toally reliant on a pension. I am caable of working as a pharmacist for at least 30 hours a week . I guess in a snall dispensary based job, as long as I could sit down, I would manage full time. So I am not going to be in a situation where I cannot get work. If I retire I will have 3 months to sort out new employment anyway.
4) Edna. Clearly I need to spend more time with her. But it can be at a time when Tony is in bed so it doesn't eat into family time.

Obvously my brain has been working on this already so my original Mclenna training still works.

I AM IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE - EVENTS ARE NOT IN CONTROL OF ME. THERE IS NO NEED FOR COMFORT EATING

Making this entry has been therapeutic - and if I hadn't mistaken the time I wouldn't have had the time to make it. Things do happen for a reason.

Comfort eating

Oh dear - I should never have mentioned comfort eating this morning. Today I indulged in comfort eating. Choclates in the dispensary and biscuits when I got home. But its the first time since I started this blog I've really slipped.

I'm tired, worried about Mum and Edna, wondering what options UHB will be willing to offer me about employmen, worried what I will do if I can't work at UHB, wondering what our finances will be like once I leave UHB, AARRRGGGHH.

I did take some quiet time today, did try some visualisations but I really can't concentrate at the moment.

All in all not a great day. Lets hope tommorrow will be better.

Coping with stress

I started this as a means to track my progress on Paul McKenna's weight loss programme because I had already tried , and failed, using the 90 day success journal. But as an inveterate comfort eater, changing my response to stress is a key part of tackling my weight problem. So using this to record stresses , and my response to them, IS part of this. In fact recording the stressful areas may well help me cope with them.

I was very tired yesterday. I didn't mange to stay at work until the end of the day - although luckily it was quiet so I din't need to. I've been given a second ward to do and thats OK but at the moment I feel that is definitely my limit. I did take my 15 minutes out to meditate. It didn't go well but at least I tried. All minor sources of stress. The major source of stress is my mother who not onyl hasn't improved on antibiotics, but has had a fall and banged her head. She isn't eating or drinking. If that doesn't change then she will need a drip and at that point she will have to be admitted to hospital. At least travel by train is practical if she is in Wycombe so the inevitable trip down won't be quite as tiring.Also Edna is still having problems with her breathing and she doesn't want to bother the doctor. However I've laid down the law - or tired to, I may have to rope Steve in on this.

Food went OK yesterday. I realise it has been days since I felt the persistent nervous hunger I recorded in earlier entries. I was given a choclate bar and I ate is slowly, conciously and with great pleasure. I found dinner quite satisfying as well.

I think I'm on top of the food angle but the excesise part isn't going as well. I did walk to work yesterdat but this morning it is out of question. One reason I left work before the end of the day was that I was getting definite twinges in my back I need to pace myself so its back to the car today.

This morning I tried to do some viusalisations but it didn't go well because I am tired and worried. Not exactly surpising. However the fact that I can recognise my reactions to my current situation are natural is an improvment on how I would have felt in earlier times. I do think positively about myself these days. So I think I do cope with stress much better than I did. When I wrote the title of this entry I didn't realise that - which proves how useful this blog is for me.

That Monday morning feeling

The day has started well. I woke early and managed to do some positive visualtion excercises. I imagined myself slimmer, I imagined how my day was going to go at work, I did the 'inner smile' excecise . My mind wandered a bit becasue I was still sleepy but I did it.

I got up sorted out my lnch and did myself breakfast (2 small wheat biscuits and a kiwi fruit with milk and sugar) I looked at the bowl and thught ' That looks too much' 15 minutes later I am full and I've only eaten about half of the breakfast. So I will package up the remainder to have as a mid-morning snack at work. In this day and age of rising food prices, wasting food is NOT an option.

I think I am going to manage to walk to work, but I will get the bus home. Memo to self I MUST get organised to try cycling. Its only 2 miles to Selly Oak Hospital - it should be a doddle.

Whne I get to work I must finish my e-mail to Dee (my union rep) explaining my situation. Finshing that and posing the questions I want answers to will help me focus on what I really want out of this situation.

During the day I must try to take 15 minutes for meditation/visualisations/prayer.

Clearly yesterday has energised my mind if not my body (although even that isn't too bad as I'm planning on ditching the car) Here's to having a good day.

Sunday a day of rest

Ha ha - it would have been nice if it WAS a day of rest but it ended up busier than I wanted. I rang Edna this morning to say I wasn't going to go over - but when she answered the phone she sounded so poorly I changed my mind and said I'd go over in the afternoon . I left at 1.00 and got back about 3.45. She was a lot better than she had been thankfully. She was well enough to talk for qite a long time anyway!

Apart from that it hasn't been a bad day. A lie in ,a chance to use the X-box, a chance to watch some TV and a bath.

I still feel really tired. I don;t feel as if I've had a real break at all so I am dreading going to work tomorrow. If I dodn;t already have Thursday and Friday booked off I'd be booking some leave first thing anyway. My stamina is still quite low, and I still have grave doubts about my ability to work a 37 1/2 hour week.

On the food front things have gone really well. I ate what I wanted when I wanted it, ate slowly, and stoped when I was full. My dinner portion was msh smaller than normal and I couldn't eat it all. I still feel full now 4 hours later. Edna asked if I'd lost weight - and she didn't know I was trying to lose any so aLl the signs are that I am geting thinner - which is good. I still clearly need to work onthe stamina as I don't feel full of energy - but that will proably come when I have less stress. I really enjoyed my porridge with sugar this morning. Ditching the artificial sweetener powder still feels like a good move. And I onyl ate about ha;f the amount I ormally would have done.

That Paul Mckenna guy really HAS messed with my head. i just can't as much as I used to.

Anyway I need to et soe sleep as I have to get up for work tommorow. I am debating whether to walk, use the car or use the bus. I'll decide in the morning.

Positive reflections

Well I'll try to be positive. Things could have gone al ot worse today than they did. Work was OK, Food has gone OK - no binges, no huge meals, and I've mianly had healthy food. I looked at yself in the mirror today and liked what I saw. I do think I look better (and thinner) than I did. But I am too tired to really be psoitive about anything.

Hopefully a good nights sleep will give me a new perspective

Saturday musings

I am tired. Fact. I would give a lot not t have to go to work today but there is no use crying over spilt milk. I would have been too tired to be good company at Darren's wedding, even if Tony had felt like going. I suspect I wouldn't have gone to the gender balance meeting either - but then I didn't plan for the trip to Wycombe when I signed up for that.

This mronign blog is seful to focus my thoughts on what needs to be done and what my priorities are. This weekend my priority is to relax. I know Monday morning will be here al too soon. I think Stephen (wh is coming over today) may find he has less time on the X-Box than normal as I intend to get in some serious time on Lost oddyssey. He'll survive!

I have noticed that I do automatically think about how my relationship with food is changing. One big thing I have noticed is that I no longer autmatically do myself some breakfast when I get up. If I'm not hungry I do other things (like this blog, or the washing up) first. Before I would always do breakfast first thing because I know its important to have breakfast. I haven't yet not felt hungry at all before I have to go out.

I have spent a lot more time thinking about my ideal job, and I am sure that teaching in some way (whether its teaching patients ,nurses,doctors or colleagues in the department) is part of it. I ennoy communicating. I am GOOD at communicating. But I have to beleive in what I am saying. I know I have to be clear about what I want when I go into the meeting with Emily and HR. They can't help me if I don't help them by being clear about my needs.

I also need to think long and hard about travel to work.For health finincail and environmrntal reasons I must set a limit to the days I use the car, and stick to it. I really would like to make use of my bike but I need more confidence - and some safety equipment. So I need to find some time to practice -once I can rescue the bike from the garage!

15 minutes of peace

I kept my romise to myself and took 15 minutes to sit in peace in the chapel and meditate/pray/focus on the future. I don't think I got any definite answers - but I felt better taking the time out. I've heard from Jane and Mumis going to start on antibiotics tommorrow for a presumed UTI. If it IS a UTI then they were slow to spot it and act.

I managed to stay at work till 4,30and I only left then becasue there was no work to be done. Next week I have said I will work full days. I wonder how I will cope. But I do have 2 days off to hel Steve sort out some legal issues with the estate.

Food is going OK. I still think I am eating too fast - but I am NOT comfort eating. If I'm not hungry I don't eat. Mt consumtoion of biscuits and crisp has plummetted. As long as I am eating a healthier diet, getting some excercise, and eating smaller meals than I used to I mst be on the right lines however fast I eat. And I am eating slower than I used to.

The programme is all about changing your relationship with food. I feel I am succeeding in that.

I did get one definite idea dring my 15 minutes , I want to do what I enjoy and am good at - and that means a job that gives me lots of communication chances. I must contact John Marriot again about lecture opportnities at Aston

The morning after the day before

Last night I was surprised by te fact that I was knackered - but didn't feel the total exhaustion I have felt after previous visits to Mum. I optimistiaclly thought I ight even leave the car behind today. This morning I have radically revised this view. I am TIRED and getting though a day at work is going to be challenging. But its a challenge I am up to. However not using the car is not an option. Even the bus isn't an option as the walk through the park on the way home would be too daunting. Anyway the weather forecast is appalling and I don't fancy getting soaked.

I have decided I need to set myself specific goals each day for positive action. I probably ought to do Paul's 'negativity fast' for the next week and I will try.

So today my goal is to make time for meditation,visualization,prayer whatever. I am going to MAKE time to focus on what I want to acheive and find ways to acheive it. 15 minutes out of a day sholdlnt' be too difficult to find. I will go to the chapel during my lunch break.

Aftermath

Well I'm back, knackered after driving 184 miles . I am distinctly upset by Mum's state, but in a strange way I am comforted by the feeling that Mum is accepting of what I feel is her inevitable fate in the near future.

She has deteriorated a lot since I last saw her. She slept for about the first hour I was there, and after lunch it was clear she was ready for another sleep. She said she thought about asking me to cancel going down, but in the end didn't. I would have gone down anyway - and I told her so. She asked me what I thought was going on with her, whihc I found incredibly to answer. I said her age was a factor, but that she was probably more sensitive to the morphine tablets than she used to be. This is probably true since her liver a kidneys will not be metabolising it as well as they should, and she is probably slowly accumulating it in her body.I am so glad I found something true I could say to her. Jane has just been on the phone to me, and apparently the home think Mum may have a UTI. That could explain why she is so poorly - but I don't quite buy it. If she has got a UTI she has had it since her birthday 2 weeks ago whihc is when the home first noticed she was worse. I do hope I am wrong. Jane asked if we should get the GP to review her meds. I did actually point out that there comes a time when you can't tinker any more. Intellectually I know Jane accepts that Mum may not live much longer, but in her heart she doesn't beleive it.


I predicted to Tony that within a month I will get a call telling me Mum has passed away. Am I being overly dramatic in feeling that? In a months time ( 17th August - just after Tony's birthday) am I going to look back at this entry and think what pretentious twaddle I wrote? I realy hope so,

Getting metaphysical

I have spent a lot of this morning wondering about how Mum will be, and looking for the strength and ability to cope with what I suspect is going to be a difficult day. Inevitably I ave looked to my spiriual resources such as they are. I realise I started this 2 days ago when I wrote in the prayer request book in the chapel at work. My request to Tammy and Rachel that they include Mum in their prayers was of course also a request for help for me.

I have realised this morning that I can't tackle any of the issues that worry me, without looking at the spiritual dimension. Essentially I can't change my external circumstances without changing me as well. This goes to the heart of 'Change your life in 7 days' which is about changing the way you perceive things. And the key is knowing who you really are. This is at the core of all the major religions. Until you know yourself, you cannot be true to yourself. And you cannot be truly happy unless you ARE being true to yourself Do I really 'know' myself yet?

I don't know - but I suspect I am on a journey where I will find out. Getting mastery over food is as much a part of this journey as deep philosophical meditation. One reason why I am dreading today's visit is that I feel Mum implanted my negative self image by always worrying so much about my weight. They say the best compliment you can pay your mother is to want to be just like her. I cannot imagine anything worse. I feel my Mum, and Edna, both made fundamental mistakes that I in no way wanted to repeat with Steve. It doesn't mean I don't love Mum, but it makes me wonder if I've been as good and caring a daughter as I should have been.

Lets be honest I feel guilty. I feel guilty I haven't kept in touch with Mum more, I feel guilty Jane has shouldered the burden of caring for Mum, I feel guilty that Jane and I are not close, that I've drifted out of contact with my nephews. I don't really feel part of the family any more and its my fault................or is it? Is ths just my poor self image surfacing?

I am going to feel a proper fool if this visit goes well, and Mum goes on to get a telegram from the Queen on her 100th birthday. But I clearly need to confront these isses whatever happens. And unless I DO confront these issues, I'm not going to deal with the more superficial issues like my weight and decding about my future job. Or am I just taking psychobabble and trying to sound wise?

It is so sad that all I can think is in 6 hours time I should be on my my way back home. I hate myself sometimes.

Still making progress

I'm going to start with Pauls checklist today
I haven't listed to the tape for some days now
I ate when I was hungry
I ate conciously
I ate what I wanted
I stoped when I was full
I didn't move my body as much as I would have liked
I have drunk water
I liked what I saw in the mirror

I didn't pig out on the chocolates, I resisted the cookies in the dispensary and I couldn't finsh my chips tonight at dinner.

At work I was able to provide help to some f the juniors, and I've told Bindi I feel I can cope with another ward next week. I know I was useful in the dispensary and I've got a lot more confidence with the dispensary procedures.

I should be feeling good - butI am down because I am dreading my visit to Mum tommorrow. I am so worried about Mum. I almost feel as if she is waiting to see me, then she will die. I have even thought that it is possible she will diie while I am there. How ridiculous is that. How self centered of me.

I am also worried that the drive down and back will tire me out - and I am worried how I will cope with work on Friday and then Saturday morning.

Progress!!!!

Today I got a compliment. A friend walked up behind me, and said ' Have you lost weight Sally?' I felt great. If other people think I have lost weight, then I am looking good. Whether I have lost weight or not it meeans I am projecting a good image. Something is working.

I am trying to follow Paul's rules - but I know I don't stick to them all the time. I still probably eat too fast, but I am eating what I want, when I am hungry, and I know I am not eating as much as I used to. The pizza experience on Sunday proved that. I am 'moving my body' more than I have done simply by being at work.

But I am still trying, I haven't given up. I recon that is worth something.

I am becoming convinced my best option workwise is to retire, and probably leave the NHS. I don't think there is going to be enough flexibility in the system for me to stay on terms that I like. Following yesterays meeting Emily wants to set up a meeting with HR when I can take a rep with me. So I have contacted my union rep. I want a discussion with her before the meeting. I need to be clear what is available and what I want.

A definite down

I din't even post yesterday becasue I didn't get the time before I went ot bed to post, so 'm doing this early in the morning. I didn't get tie to post because it was Monday and we had the game, ad I starte feeling poorly so went o to bed as soon as I had taken Robert home. I still don't feel right now;last night I felt I was in the early stages of a cold. This morning I stll feel a bit like that but my pain rpoblem is I am so stiff and creaky and my back really hurts. I don't know whether to go to work or not.

I thought I did well at work yesterady because I worked until 4.30, and I didn't use the car.I'm now wondering if I pushed my limits again. Maybe using the car would have been more sensible. I certainly intend to use the car today if I go.

On the food front things are not too bad. I had a revelatio on Sunday when we honed in for a pizza. I could only manage 4 clices when normally I would eaten all 6, and chips with gusto. My appetite is smaller than it was - or I am listening more to the signals it is sending me more. We ate 1 portion of chips and 1 xl pizza between three adults. Yesterday I was unable to resist some mini mufins, but on the plus side this morning I am sitting here drinking coffee but not eating because I am not hungry. hats probably yttr ebiggest change since I strated Paul's programme. I no longer autmatically do myself a bowl of cerela when make my coffee.

Anyway I need to try and get myself movingand see if I can get to work.

More worries

I am worried about my Mum. She is 92 and lives in a care home 100 miles away. I rang her today and she sou ded very frail and ill, so I've decided I ned to go down and see her. i have the aweful feeling that if I don't go soon it will be too late.

Although I have made some acheivments today with positive thinking, I've not really stuck to the golden rules of the weight loss programme. I am comfort eating.

I am also concerned that for 2 pins, I would phone in sick tommorrow and not go to work. I really don't feel like it. I don't know if its worry about Mum or because I am tired as I haven't been sleeping well lately but it is going to be a monumental effort to get into work tommorrow.

I think I have to say that tommorrow is a new day and a new start and that I will forgive myself for this lapse and try to do better tommorrow.

Is anyone reading this apart from me? Please comment if you are - I'd welcome all feedback and encouragment at the momen

End of the day

Its now 10.30pm, and I've had a busy day. Got my hair done, been to see Edna and doe some shopping. Dinner and a glass of red wine and I am tired and ready for bed.

I've also started re-wroing thought the 'Change your lif ein 7 days' progamme. i've started by writing out what I would see if a magic wand was waved and everything was as I wanted it. I need to focus my efforts on deciding what I want, then concentrate on how I am going to get it.

I haven't binged - but I haven't stuck to the golden rules today - excpet I have eaten conciosuly and slowly - even the huge peice of cake Edna cut for me without asking! My dinner portion was small too - but I have felt hungry quite a lot and have been 'grazing'.

I am yawning and can hadly keep my eyes open so I am going to bed

Time to review

Its 7.00 am on Saturday morning and no-ne should be up so I'm not. I got up at 6.30 fed the cats, made myself a coffee (but no reakfast becasue I wasn't hungry) grabbed the laptop and came back to bed.

Paul encourages a reviw every 2 weeks in his 90 day journal, so thats what I'm going to do. I've just re-read all my previous entries. I see that I twice thought I had passed the tipping point for eating slowly. That bit of the prgramme really is beggining to stick. And if I'm honest its the bit I know I needed to work on. I have always eaten fast. Its the bit Tony noticed most that I didn't do so doing it is a psoitve sign to him that I am sticking with programme.

A lot of people may write off Paul's programe as mumbo-jumbo. I'm a long way from being convinced by the TFT tspping excercise to reduce cravings to be honest. It has been given less than enthusiastuc reviews in scientific/medical journals. But as a pharmacist I know the rules for good nutrtion and weight loss. The ony way to lose weight and keep it off is to change your eating patters sp you eat healthier food in a healthier way. Also years ago it was discovered that you would lose weight without cuttng down on food intake if you just spread it out through the day in several small meals rater than 3 larger ones. So scientifically I know that if you follow Paul's programme you will lose weight. The trance track is to get you in the correct frame of mind to stick to it as are all the visualization techniques.

Also since I first embarked on weight oss programmes ( way back in the 1960's when Mum started worrying about my weight) so much more has been learnt about healthy eating. The very first diet Mum put me on was low carb way before the Atkins diet was even thougt of. I've seen the F plan diet come and go, and even used meal replacments (Limmits) 30 years or more ago. To be honest when I was young I didn't have a problem with my weight - Mum did. So I always thought of myself as fat . Its no great surrpise that I ended up fat really. I wasn't fat when I was at home. It really started when I left home becasue I had no idea about healthy eating becasue I was fed up of being on diets. Its a good job my Mum will never read this but she laid the foundations of my weight problem. However I am responsible for the food I have put in my mouth since I left home, so its not her fault - its mine. My failure to lose weight over the years stems from too many crisps and biscuits, too much alcohol possibly at one point, and a poor self image which saw me as 'fat' and meant comfort eating was always a possibility.

Now however my goal is NOT weaight loss - its good health - whch I can 'visualise' very clearly. The wieght loss will be an added bonus

I do actually eat a relatively healthy diet since my BP was went up. Pies and pastry generally figure far less than they used to, ready meals are a rarity, I cook more with fresh ingredients, and I eat fresh fruit. I've even excercised more since I first became an official cardiovascular patient. When I think of what my luncjes used to be at work I shudder. I often clouldn't be bothered to make a lunch or would rebel against the croispberads I though I should take, and would head for the coffee shop. Sandwiches sausage roll and a huge muffin was my favourite. Now with Paul's programe I understand why I rebelled against the crispbreads, but also I couldn't manage the sandwich sausage roll and muffin.

I think the key to me getting healthy (and losing weight) is dealing with the emotonal side and stopping the comfort eating, and keeping up the walking.

I am still not maing much progress with making decisions about my job - but that isn't surprising since managment are not really asking me anythign yet. Its too soon. But O do need to be clear about what I want when I do see them - and that measn I need to have confidence that my decison will not leave the family finincially worse off. I am certain I want to take retirment - but a lot depends on what my options are at UHB. I am regaining the confidence in my ability to work as a pharmacist, and I think that away form the NHS I would be under a lot less stress. I feel that stress is a key factor reposnsible for my lack of energy so far. I need to work on my stress capacity maybe? Need to remember to relax properly maybe?

Memo to self. I must get 'Change your life in 7 days' back from Martin.

Today could have been worse

but could also have been better. I walked to work (good) and had the good intentio of trying to work until 5 ish. (good) However at work I had to deal with changing syringes in 2222 boxes because of possible faulty syringes (bad) and then mid-morning I found out that I may be on graded return to work but I still have to work Saturdays - 19th July to be precise. However since it suits THEM for me to work at SOH thats where I will do it. Otherwise I think they would have expected me to go QE. This left me feeling that managment have little understanding of or sympathy for me situation. (very bad)

Clnically I coped OK . I managed my one ward and the dispensary OK. But psycholigically I felt drained - and didn't even make it till 3.30.

Then when I got home Tony was ill with a very bad stomach.

I have found a surveyor to look at the house - at least if he answers my e-mail I've found one - and at a very reasonable price. I must check out that he is reputable!

Breakfast was a revelation. I had cereal, ate it really slwoly - and couldn't even close to finsihing the bowl. In act I took the rest in to work to have as a mdimorning snack. I am reluctant to waste food in this day and age! At lunch I couldn't finish my sandwich, at with Tony ill I didn't cook and I wil admit to a packet of Doritos - but I still feel I've done reaonably well with food today. No water though.......

I am looking forward to a nice relaxing weekend - althugh will hve to do some shopping, I need to go and see Edna and I'm still catching up with the laundry from when the machine broke.....

ARRRGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Hard work does pay off

Today I have had a massive confidence boost! We went to the probate office today to sort out Steve's father's estate. There was no will so we had to go though the intestacy forms. which we did without any rifessional help. As Steve was the only heir, and the estate fairly simple, it didn't seem worth aying anyone to sort it out. So today we had the formal interview when Steve swore an affidavit that the information he (we) had supplied was correct. In two weeks we will get the letters of administration and Steve can claim the house and the money. I worked out that a professional executor would have charged us around 5000.00. I'd rather Steve had the 5000.0 to spend on the house thank you very much.

So I feel VERY good that I did that all on my own really.

So how have I got on with Paul's programme today? Well I haven't listened to the tape but I've realised I seem to have reached the tipping point with eating slowly and conciously. Its easier to do it than not to so it now so I guess I'm doing something right. I conciously and slowly chewed and enjoyed 2 ginger biscuits this afternoon - but the majority of my food has been healthy and my dinner portion was smaller than I would hav eaten 2 weeks ago.

I'm back at work tommorrow. We'll see hwo it goes

Accentuate the positive

I am going to start by listing all the positive things from today.

I walked to work
I looked at myself in the mirror and thought that I did look better -slightly slimmer
I managed to resist the urge to binge on choclate fingers at work
I have eaten relatively healthily and have attemoted to stick to the golden rules.

I also had an insight as was walking to work while listneing to the wieght loss track. While sticking tot eh 4 golden rules will undoubtedly help you eat less and lose weight, a lot of the programme is about increasing self confidence and improving your self image. This is familiar territory to me from 'Change your life in 7 days' And at the moment self confidence is what I need - not oonly to help with losing wieght, but also with the challenges I face in my life and career. So the most important thing to happen was that I looked in mirror and thought I looked good.

I am not going to list the negative things I will just say its been a bad day, and I am glad I have a day off tommorrow. Friday can only be better at work than today has been.

Good intentions?

They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. My very good intention of yesterday sadly came to nothing today. In fact today has been pretty awful. But I am going to try and find some positive aspects if it kills me!

It started off with the washing machine breaking down witha full load in it. That was NOT a good start at all but I did manage to act rather than moan. I rang the engineer and he is coming on Thirsday morning.

Woek did not go well, I made some silly mistakes, one of which may have led to some CD's going missing. I also made some silly syetm errors - mainly with blister packs - but ended up feeling more laibility than anything else, On the lus side I did make an intervention on CCU. So I haven't totally lost my touch. But my doubts about how well I can cope under stress are not getting any less - and that is a key factor in any decision I will make about my future career.

So on to the real reason fro this blog - a replacment for the 90 day success journal - success there's a laugh.

OK I haven't listend to the tape, but I have folowed the 4 golden rules to the best of my ability. I used the car so didn't 'move my body' as much as I would have liked. I did drink some water, I managed to smile at myse;f in the mirror.

I haven't eaten cripss for days and have only had 2 biscuits today. I have resisted sweets as well over the past 2 days. I have enjoyed what I have eaten, felt full and on the whole have only eaten when I was hungry. I haven't taken a snack to bed with me for several days now.

I should feel good - but I don't. My worry over work is just too great. Hope tomorrow will be better. It can't be any worse

Longest day at work so far

Today I worked from 9.00 until 3.30 ish, and did 1 ward visit - to the CCU which has 9 patients. It felt very strange to be back on a ward. And I was struggling a little with technology as I had to try and use the PICS system. I spent the rest of my time in the dispensary and I know I've done it. I've tried to envisage coping with the 32 bedded NNU and at the moment its laughable.

On the plus side food wasn't a problem. I stil need to slow down a bit more while I'm eating, but I'm eating when I'm hungry and not overeating. I aso drank water today in the dispensary. I relaxed and listend to the tape last night, and I felt good when I looked at mysefl in the mirror first thing this morning. I do feel positive about how I am coping not only with the golden rules but with work and I feel I have a lot to be proud of. I did use the car today so the excercise was down - but I have learnt I need to be aware of my limits and I felt walkign would be a bit to much. Anyway I had to take the car to get petrol so I would have driven it at some point today.


I've resisted the temptation to weigh myself - mainly becasue I'm so convinced I won;t have lost any and I don;t want to get discouraged. SWven if I don't lose much weight it will stil be a success if I feel better in myself.

I don't really feel THAT psotive if I'm honest - but a lot of that is due to tiredness - and nerves about Thursday when Steve goes to the probate office.

Tommorrow I am going to make an effort to find one thingI can eb relaly positive and confident about and concentrate on that.

A moving day

Excuse the pun but today HAS been a moving day as Steve moved into Dawlish Road. Somehow this feels like a more permanent move than when he went to Opal. Its probably jst me being tired - and a bit emotional after yesterday though. I do suspect that we will see a lot less of him now than we used to. I suspect there will be fewer times when he stops over here - but we'll see.

I am still VERY tired but not feeling that work is going to be one exhausting drag and that I can't face it. But don't bet on me walking to work tommorrow. I knw my limits and that won't be on my agenda.

Food today has been yesterdays leftovers. I bought WAY too mich food so there is quite a lot left - bioth cooked an uncooked. I haven't done brilliantly with the golden rules today. I probably haven't eaten slowly enough and although I have avoided a binge, I haven't thought consciosulyy about what I am eating. But I still haven't stuffed myself they way I might have done before. Diets and eating plans always tend to fall aprt at weekends. I am confident tommorrow I will still be in control of food......not it in control of me. And that is what 'I can make you thin' is all about

A very busy day

I am SO tired. Today was the BBQ - and on the whole it went OK, but the house has been full of people and quite noisy and I am now very tired. But I don't want to let the disciline slip, so I am going to make a quick entry

I dsicovered that eating slowly has become a habit. I seem to have gone past the tipping oint when its easier to do it than not. Ia ctually didn't eat as much ay the BBQ as I normally would have done. certainly this evening when normally I would have picked at the remains, I realised I wasn't hungry and didn't have anything to eat. Somethig is sticking somewhere.

The plus for today is I didn't binge in a party situation . I'll settle for that as a postive factor

The end of a good day

Depsite discomfort and needing to where the TENS machine it HAS been a good day. I didn't drink much water but I managed the rest of the 'golden rules' quite well. I even cooked pasta for mysefl when I did Fish and Chips for the men. I didn't WANT the fish and chips. I really enjoyed the pasta - and all the food I ate today.

I managed to empty my e-mail box at work. I didn't feel especially inspired by anything I read - but nothing really tied my stomach in knots either. I also managed to be the sole pharmacist in the duspensary for the lucnh hour. I worked from 9.15 to 2.16 and next weel I am going to try orking 9.00 till about 4.00 and see how I go on. But I still find myself quite content to be in the dispensary.

I've had a busy day because after work Steve and I went shopping for the BBQ suppies, and then we built the BBQ. We were in bits by the time we finished.... well YOU try having a sensible conversation when you keep talking about screws, nuts ,holes and R's - even when it IS your son you are talking to (or in his case your mother) It was hysterical.

But despite doing so much, I feel quite energetic. It is now past 10.00pm and although I will be going to bed soon, I am much less tired than I have been.

It has been a good day - and I hope the start of a good weekend

Two posts a day?

It may seem ecessive but I find it useful. I can clarify my thoughts as I make my morning entry. And recording how I feel at the beggining of the day put my entry later into perspective. Also my previous McKenna training (Change your life in 7 days) trained me to plan the day ahead as I want it to go. Thats probably one reason why when I take that first loo in a mirror, I can nearly always see something positive. Also one insight from this morning is that the 'I can make you thin' programme is also about helping you to accept yourself as you are, while instilling healthier eating habits.

This morning I found myself considering why I hae a weight problem. I do know the good nutrion rules better than most. I throughly enjoy fresh fruit and vegetables. But I know I have eaten too large protions, and I have eaten too many crips and biscuits. If I can learn to listen to my bodies 'full'signal I will eat smaller portions (and this is already happening) . The crips and biscuits are emotional eating - and there is no dout at the moment there are a large number of issues payng havoc with my emotionas and making large demands on my emotional equilibrium. So I think I need to concentrate on my emotional needs.

Undoubtedly my job situation is a large part of the emotional stress I am under. I have now been back at work for one week. And already I have developed a new pain (right shoulder) that I can directly attribute to work (reaching up to put the paperwork in the trays on top of the pigeonholes).

Tday I am going to go in early and clear my e-mail box. I think that will provide some useful insights into whether working at BWH is a realistic option. But I MUST keep an open mind.

However Yvonne made an off the cuff comment that I have been unable to forget. She took the 'retire for one day' option and says its the best thing she ever did. She says she is enjoying her life NOW becasue you can't take it with you. Steve doesn't need a legacy from me apart from the house so I don't need to have any guilt about using MY money for MY benefit.

Coping with ups and downs

Well after an inspired start this morning, its all gone a bit 'pete tong' Between pain in my back and shoulder, and some unfortunate news that affects my financial situation, right now I'm feeling pretty fed up. I know my reaction to the financial news was probably not warranted and was probably a refelction of my tiredness. So I want to try and use this entry to emphasise the positive.

So lets concentrate my weight loss efforts. I have ried with the golden rules but not really succeeded briliant. I listend to the track, I ate what I wanted, when I was hungry - although stemming my appetite at work was tricky. I did eat consciously but not as slwly as I should have done probably. I didn't drink water, and because I used the car I didn't move my body as much as I would have liked. To be fair my back is preventing me from doing as much excercise as I want to so I don't really blame myself for that. In fact I don't really have anything to balme myse;f about. I am trying to follow the programme, and just because I can't get it completely right every day, doesn't mean that I am a failure.

I think I have to work harder on workig out what I really want to eat. I;ve made a start with ditchnig the sweeteners and realising sandwihes for lunch are much nicer than crispbreads. I've had two biscuit todayc -and some gorgeous cake at work. But I ate it slowly - and very nice it was too. I haven't binged on biscuits. I am worried that if I can't walk far it will make losing weight harder - but I trust that if I don't do as much excercise. my body will still tell me how much food it need. All I have to do is listen to what it tells me.

Last night and this morning I asked for some sign about what I am suosed to do about work. Should I stay at the hospital or just retire? This news may just be the sign that I should retire.

I got my work e-mail account re-activated today. I was told I have a new accoutn when I started back but they've ust re-activayed my old one. I oend it to discover over 650 emails i my in box. My reaction to tat, and my reaction to seeing some of the senders of the e-mails- was a revelation. I felt no desire to read any of the mails, no desire to bring myself up to speed with anything tat had been going on. I just felt like running away.

I have also realised that I can totally selfish about my ension and lump sum. Steven won't need anything from me financially at all. I can use the money to enjoy life now. The idea is evry tempting..............................

I am really very lucky. I do have options that other people would give their eye teeth for. I need to count mt blessings