Thursday 24 February 2011

I had a positive day yesterday. I got paperwork done because I felt motivated to tackle it. I walked to work. I had a good life coaching session with :Lindsey Gilpin - the chair of the English Pharmacy Board. To be honest all I did was listen and ask a few questions. I don't think it was really life coaching because I ended up giving advice which I shouldn't do. However Lindsey herself felt it helped her and in the end that is all that matters.

Work was OK because I was only there until 12.30 I spent most of the day helping to show a new locum the ropes. She is there today and tomorrow as well so there is a good chance I will be able to leave early. Dear God please let the hospital stay as quiet as it has been this week.

I am tired this morning, I could cry if I am honest. I am beating myself up about feeling this way when I know some of how I feel is perfect;y justified by the circumstances. I need to keep in touch with my higher self and try to keep some perspective.

Yesterday I spotted a new patient who had her op on her birthday and wondered if that was an omen for me. Then when I got home Tony told me he had mediated again. He meditated the day before that I got shown a bunch of flowers and got the message all will be well. I suggested it would have bene nicer if they had given a hint about the date of my op. Yesterdays meditation was to ask that question and he got the numbers 10 and 15 when he asked when I would be going in and when I would be coming out. Those dates are feasible for March and May - but not April. as I can't see myself being admitted on a Saturday. Fingers crossed it is this month. I am thinking of ringing up to see if anyone has any more information,

If I am honest I dont want to work today. At least not a whole day. i think I will see if a really early finish like 3 could be possible.

Still not really even thinking about food. If I fancy something I eat it. I do try to eat it slowly. I am actually following Paul's rules sort of but I dont think I will make much progress until after my op,

Wednesday 23 February 2011

I am so tired all the time. I don't know if it is due to my thyroid function (which is not impossible) or whether the cancer is in some way taking some energy for its growth (which again isn't totally impossible ) or whether its just due to the stress of this waiting game. It could be a combonation of all three. Whatever the cause I am struggling.

I can almost feel the weight piling on me and its a horrible feeling. Probably all in my imagination but I can't even begin to tackle that at the moment

H (Darren's Dad) has taken a personal interest in my situation. he apparently has taken it as a personal affront that someone who is nice enough to help Gill and Darren the way I did when she had her operation is now having to cope with this. He is very concerned that I don't concentrate so much on the physical that I lose touch with my higher self and my spiritual self. In a way this blog is to help me keep that contact as sometimes it almost works like automatic writing and helps me work out answers to problems. But today I am going to try and do a proper meditation before I go to work.

Tuesday 22 February 2011

What is 'normality'

I desperately want things to be normal - if only I knew what 'normal' was. I think what I have at the moment IS normal given my circumstances

I worked yesterday. I wasn't fantastically busy and I coped OK. What I didnt cope with well was the fallout from the agency debacle. Anita rang me (putting me into a situation where I had to lie again) to explain the HCL version of events and to tell me there should be a 6 months cooling off period during which neither ROH nor any other agency should be booking me for there. Oh really - a hospital so close to me that I can't work at because the hospital is in dispute with an agency? I don't think so. Then HCL found out I was working there today. And I have rejected 3 calls from unkown numbers on my mobile. The caller didn't leave a message. I am betting it was anita. I think today I will leave the phone off and see who leaves messages on my voicemail. The hospital will leave a message.

But the stress of all that is getting to me and I really don't need that on top of everything else. I found it really hard to cope with Pam without getting upset and/or angry. Also Emmeline wants to sign me up for their bank and that means paperwork which I don't feel I can cope with at the moment. The idea of 3 months feeling like this is horrendous . I am so tired this morning despite a good nights sleep. I don't care what the blood tests show I am sure my thyroid isn't working at full pace.

I am also beginning to feel I should have walked away from this weeks work when Carl rang me.

I have confirmed HCL are under investigation by the NHS fraud squad. Although Anita said it is a subsiduary company and nothing to do with the pharmacy section at all. Is the ROH decision to stop using them going to spread? The news actually broke a month ago so I wonder what prompted the manager at ROH to take action now?

Would I be better able to cope with being in the middle of this if I wasn't still getting my head round my health problems? Don't know - and reality is where I am now. I have to love 'what is' as Byron Katie would say.

I feel almost sick at the thought of going into work today - that isn't good. My instincts are screaming at me to run away and hide. But I can't hide for 3 months and I can't afford not to have ANY work for 3 months and that is what may happen if I tell both agencies and ROH what I really think about them at the moment. I should have walked away the moment I was asked to lie to HCL. But I didnt and I am now paying the price for that.

But I know I am not reacting normally to this situation. I need to avoid HCL but be available to the hospital if they ring. I will keep my phone off but check my voice mail regularly. Anita may leave a message - but the hospital WILL leave a message.

I will give work another day. I still reserve the right to back out if I can't take the stress.

Saturday 19 February 2011

work

I went to work today. Only half a day at Little Aston, but I am really re-considering whether I should go to work next week or not. I am finding it quite hard to concentrate.

I was meant to be at an animal healing workshop tomorrow - but I have pulled out. I am going to pull out of going down to see Jane next weekend too . Even if I am not in hospital I think the journey will be too much. I don't want to turn myself into an invalid. I want to carry on as normal until I go in for the op. But not knowing when that will be leaves me in a horrible kind of limbo - and it is playing havoc with my emotions - and that in turn plays havoc with how I feel physically and mentally.

It is very ironic that I have had to tell one agency that I felt I couldn't work next week because I was having problems getting my head round the diagnosis and didn't think I would be safe working. I only told them that because ROH have been told they can't book through that agency due to it being under investigation for fraud. They needed me to pull out of the booking so ROH didnt get stuck with a charge for giving less than a weeks notice. I felt uncomfortable to put it mildly but the alternative was no work next week. However right now I am wondering if I wasn't actually right - and maybe I would have been better to back out.

Work today was OK - but that was in a quiet department on a Saturday. But I had to really concentrate at times - and I found my attention wandering.I am truly not sure how I will cope at ROH on Monday. I guess all I can do is go and see.how I cope, I am trying some focussing /cosmic ordering and imagining myself getting a phone call on Monday giving me a date for my op. The thing is I know they want me in sooner rather than later so if I get a call Monday it could be op on Tuesday.

I am not worried what will happen if I get a quick admission - its how I will cope if I end up waiting 3 months............................

If I do have to wait I guess tine will help as I will get used to the situation. At the moment I am still in a state of shock. In a couple of weeks I will have my head round it all and be able to get on with life more normally. Mind you in a couple of weeks I may not ave any work to worry about. If HCL are in trouble the booking at Good Hope has never been confirmed so I guess it won't happen.

I forgot to eat breakfast this morning. OK I wasn't that hungry but I forgot. I wetn out without even thinking about it. What I was thinking about was the logistics of making sure there was enough food in ,if I DO get admitted next week. Argghh my head is spinning with trying to work everything out

One piece of good news is that I got some great advice from rebecca about helping my scar heal quicker. the Environ products are really good for that apparently.

I was really touched when Julie came in on her day off to give me a lovely pot plant to wish me well. It was from all the girls in the department. its nice to know I am so well regarded. Rebecca said there is only oner other of their regular locums to get that sort of treatment.

We have booked to go on a ghost hunt at the Cauldron on Friday. It is a sponsored ghost hunt in aid of Comic Relief. Dave is happy for me to pay on the night so if I DO get the call - at least we haven't lost any money.

I am not making any sense really - but this entry does very adequately represent how I feel at the moment. Which leaves me with the question - to work or not to work..................

Friday 18 February 2011

Mixed messages

Yesterday was an odd day. The course went well. Nick did a session on practice building which didn't send me into full blown panic mode. In fact he gave some information about the sort of arrangements they make with practitioners who want to use their premises and it is very affordable and reasonable. 10.00 per hour although it comes down to about 7.50 an hour if you book a full session. I am now sure I will be working from there at least one day a week.

I took both my Paul McKenna and Thomas Moore books with me to show to anyone who was interested and ended up reading some of Moore's book for my own benefit. The bodies poetic of illnesses seemed appropriate. And as a result I have booked myself in for a massage today when the course is over.. This will also give me a chance to see what their consulting rooms are like and chat to someone who uses the facilities and see what they really think. I am sure the massage will also be very therapeutic.

When I got home Tony was in a much more open mood and was able to admit he is still getting his head round my problems. But he was in a happier frame of mind so that cheered me up a lot, I couldn't be bothered to cook so we had kebab meat and chips. I paid the price for that with a very bad nights sleep. I feel bloated. And as a result I am up at stupid o'clock today. I decided I might as well get up and do things .

One disturbing thing that happened yesterday was a call from Sensible locums. I couldn't understand why they were calling me as I had specifically said I wasn't in the market for any bookings at the moment. I almost decided to ignore them but didn't - and I am glad I didn't - at least I think I am. They were contacting me to ask if I would be willing to do next weeks dates at ROH for THEM instead of HCL. Apparently HCL are under investigation for fraud and ROH have been told they cannot use them as an agency at the moment. So I either agreed to work via Sensible or I wouldn't be working. Carl told me I needed to speak to Emmeine before confirming. Luckily I was able to do that last night and she confirmed that she cannot use HCL locums at the moment. What bothers me about this is that I have had tell HCL I can't do next week , so ROH don't end up paying a penalty for giving less than a weeks notice of cancellation. I have done so but I feel uncomfortable lying to them. I have no dount they are in trouble of some sort. Apart from a text from Anita asking me if I had submitted a time sheet for last week at ROH I haven't heard anything from her. In particular I have ad no follow up on a booking at Good Hope to start on 7th March. So I am wondering if all the hospitals have decided they can't use them. And I a wondering what this means for my future work. But then maybe I am due a break so I can have my op without having to cancel any bookings. And maybe I am due a break so I can put in some serious time to practice building for Krystalwolf.

When I got home I decided to put out an appeal for volunteers for life coaching. As that can be done by pone I just put it in my status. I got inundated with reponses. Paula from the salon is interested, as is Lindsey Gilpin, Rachel, and Jen. I didn't expect such interest . And I found myself thinking that if the session with Lindsey goes well, maybe I could get some work for the Pharmacy establishment. And I spotted a niche market by advertising myself to pharmacists., After all I know their stresses only too well.

Jane is home and has not gone over the top in her response to my situation, All being well I will be seeing her in a weks time for her hypnotherapy session and we can talk then.

One other thing that happened yestertday was I got a call from the thyroid co-ordinator des McGire. Apparently I should hav eseen him on Monday but he wans't available. His job is to answer any questions and explain things in laymans terms. I told him my background and said I thought I had a good idea of what I was in for. However he has been able to tell me I am in the category where they could well give me a short ntice booking. I was right to keep my phone with me this week. And I will be in the new hospital. He also says there is a good chance I will be in a single room which is great news

I did go swimming yesterday morning, and there is a chnace I will go again this morning. Not having to pay does make it more inviting. Next week I will have to brave going with Maggie - but hopefully she won't want to go on about Tony's behaviour on Monday. Now I can see signs of him calming down I could cope with that better anyway now. Plus she now has her own problems as David has been laid off.

Food feels very out of control at the moment - the biscuits at the college are always a temptation. Plus I haven't been too motivated to get my own lunch. But I wasn't too bad yesterday. i took fruit and some crisps and got some soup and a samosa from the deli. Not brilliant - but not ott with carbohydrates.

My plan for this morning since I am up so early is to head over to the triangle to hit Sainsbury and also see if I can get a microphone for my DVR. Then go for a swim before heading to the college. I will get some lunch while I am in Sainsbury. Cheaper than the deli and it gives me the option to get something healthy.

I feel quite optimistic this morning - in fact make that very optimistic. I am still scared about the operation, and now a bit concerned about my futrue locum work prospects if HCL are going down. I have just remembered that the PAYE umbrella company they used also went under a few months ago so I really can believe the company is in trouble. But then maybe I wont be needing much locum work? That is a very pleasant prospect.

Thursday 17 February 2011

I am discovering a diagnosis of cancer (well to be honest pre-cancerous cells highly suggestive of cancer) plays havoc with the emotions. My logical brain knows thyroid cancer is curable. But I am scared. As Bob (on of my fellow students on the course) said the other day. 'But how does the little girl inside feel?' That was an easy and automatic answer. 'Scared to death'

Tony and I are not exactly communicating well at the moment. Having said he would come with me to the hospital on Monday he funked out at the last moment. I was really really hurt and stormed out saying saying it was good to know how much he thought of our relationship and I would text him the news. Of course I didnt. I went back home afterwards and found him in the bath very contrite. He had made a huge public apology and declaration of love for me on FB. And when I got home from the course I found he had bought me a valentine card and a box of cadbury's Heroes. But when I reminded him he had agreed to cook dinner that night as part of his apology to me, the look that went across is face was - annoyed? reluctant? I am not sure. But I AM sure he didn't willingly step up to the plate. And of course I am worried about what it will be like when I come home from hospital and really really NEED him to do things like that because I won't be capable of it. I am sure he remembers what he felt like after his op so he should know.


Tony has gone into 'shut down' mode. I know he is coming to terms with the diagnosis just as I am. And I know e has issues. I suspect in a way he knows (even before I told him) that how he reacts to this will define his commitment to our relationship. So I suspect as well as dealing with the emotional issue of the diagnosis, he is also dealing with the emotional issues that I think have stopped him actually acting on the marriage proposal he made 3 years ago. I know he needs support - but I can't give it to jim because I need HIS support. It is a horrible situation to be in. He didn't go to Wolf's last night . I did but there wasn't any rp because I was too busy crying on Gill and Kate's collective shoulders about all this.

The good thing is I know Gill and co will be there for HIM as well as me. They are all confident that he WILL be there for me and support me post op. And given the levels of spiritual communication in that area I feel it was more than just platitiudes that in some way this a message to me from spirit.

H came in as well. Darren suggested it but I got the impression it wasn't HIS idea if you know what I mean.

I know we will get through all this. But this morning as I was in bed being triple teamed by the cats, I did wonder - what the hell am I going to do post op if they do that. How will I alert Tony? Will I be able to alert Tony? I just wish I KNEW how we would get through it

Tony has pulled out of the Falstaff Factor because of all this. His audition is on March 26th and because we have no idea when my op will be he feels he can't take the risk. I can sympathise with that view as I am looking at all the dates in our diary and wondering which of them are going to have to be cancelled at short notice. But I am annoyed he has pulled out- and I think he is annoyed and there is only one person he can take that annoyance out on - me.

I can't just opt out of life and social events while I wait for my op. Its unrealistic and unhelpful. But how do we get the balance right?

I am on a roller coaster emotionally at the moment. The effect on my eating and exercise can be easily imagined. I filled up with petrol on the way home from Gill's last night - and I bought a triple Bounty bar which I ate as I drove home.

On the plus side I did go swimming yesterday morning. And if I got my skates on I could go swimming again today. But not with Maggie. I want to avoid Maggie until I know she won't show her support for me by ranting about Tony's behaviour on Monday.

I am also nervously waiting for Jane to come back from holiday and get my email.

And yesterday on the course - whihc I am enjoying so much - when we were discussing how to market ourselves I went into a total panic of negative thoughts because I can't see myself being able to do that.

Being rational I am not reacting rationally to anyhting at the moment and I need to remember that.

I did do an instinctive but of positive re-framing tho. II suspect my illness is connected to the stresses of 2008/9. And I found myself thinking. I went through all that and the worse the universe can do to me is give a cancer that is so easily curable? Wow I am stronger than I thought.

I will try to keep that thought with me today

Monday 14 February 2011

Cancer

I got the biopsy result today and as I suspected they found abnormal cells suggestive of cancer. So I need a total thyroidectomy and then may need radio iodine treatment depending on what they find when they examine my thyroid.

So I could be in for two spells in hopsital. One for the op and one for the iodine. The op will be sometime in the next three months (the fact they can delay that long shows how unaggressive this type of cancer is) but it could be anytime from now on. They have my mobile and landline numbers. Watch this space.

I have been so touched by the support I have had Facebook. I am scared - but I know I will get thorugh this OK

Thursday 10 February 2011

The plot thickens

I got another letter from the hospital today. Dated 28th Jan - but postmarked 8th feb - it was a copy of a letter from the consultant to my GP saying they had some of results - all of which were normal - but specifically saying they were still waiting for the results of the biopsy. It also said they would contact my GP with those results. So that kind of gives the lie to the suggestion that the result would be given to me at the clinic. Surely if my GP got a letter with a result they must expect them to contact the mme?



I did specifically ask for the biopsy result - so I don't think that letter is what the secretary was talking about.

But something has prompted them to send for me sooner rather than later - the the something has GOT to be the biopsy result that I am convinced the secretary and I were talking about.

I got a call from the agenccy today - wanting to conform some dates for ROH with me. I have told them any acceptance has to be subject to the caveat that I may be having surgery and don't know when............Interestingly the dates INCLUDE all the March dates that they thought they had booked Sultana for......................

Uncertainty

I have kept on a sort of even keel since my last entry but there is no doubt waiting for the biopsy result has been trying to put it mildly. I have been very up and down and rationalising the situation doesn't help. Rationally I know what is going to happen. But not knowing what sort of op I would ned and when I would be having it is playing on my mind. And it has just got a whole lot worse.

It is now more than 3 weeks since the biopsy with no sign of a result. I rang the GP after 2 weeks and they didn't have anything. They advised me to ring the hospital. Initially I thought I won't bother. If they have the result it will be on its way. If they don't ringing won't make any difference.

Finally on Tuesday this week I rang and spoke to the consultants secretary. It was an amazing conversation. 'Oh they will give you the result at your next clinic appointment. Would you like me to make one for you?' As I already had an appointment for March 24th I declined this offer, but said had been told the result would be sent to me 'Oh they say all sorts of things in clinic' was the reply. She did say if I wanted her to she could send the result to my GP which I asked her to do. She took my details and was able to assure me the result WAS back .

I was annoyed. Did I misunderstand or was I misinformed at my last appointment? I suppose I can understand why they want to give the news in person especially if its bad news - but since Thyroid cancer isn't life threatening as far as I know, I felt I couldn't take comfort from the fact that my clinic appointment was still a long way off. But I felt at least I would know something soon.

Yesterday I got a bombshell. I got home from work to find a letter from the hospital giving me a new appointment for next Monday. I am now in turmoil. It can't be coincidence that the letter was sent the same day I rang. Did my call make someone look at the result and think 'oops' we need to see her sooner? There are only two reasons for that. Either it is bad news or it is non diagnostic. I cannot believe they would re-arrange things that swiftly for a normal result.

In one way I am relieved. I now really WILL know what is going on Monday. Nightmare scenario is the result is non diagnostic and I have to have another biopsy. REAL nightmare scenario would be the appointment on Monday is just to tell me that. The appointment is for the ENT clinic - and I am fairly sure a biopsy under ultrasound guidance would need to be done in X-Ray - but maybe they will send me to X_Ray on Monday for the biopsy. I don't know.

But I am fairly sure she warned me at my last appointment that the biopsy would probably not be able to be re-done until the appointment 10 weeks later.

So I am not happy - and have been left less than impressed with the unfathomable workings of the NHS. If I didn't know my way round the NHS and its systems I would still be waiting for a result that was never going to turn up..

I am not at work between now and Monday - the first day of the last module of the hypnotherapy course . While having work to do would be a useful distraction I wouldn't be able to focus properly and wouldn't be safe really.


Losing the 3 weeks booking for Emmeline's holiday did concern me - but the thought has occurred to me that maybe I've lost it because I will be having my surgery then. If I am to be told on Monday I have cancer an op in March would be feasible.

Last night was the last night of the mediumship development course and one of the things Chris Butler ,who runs the course, said last night was his guide was telling him to tell us to have faith. He meant faith in our medium abilities and our guides. Maybe it has stuck in my mind because I need to have faith that everything will work out for the best.

As for food and exercise I have been swimming more with Margaret, but have been using the car to get to ROH as I have been too tired to face the walk back after a day on my feet at work. But I reckon work counts as 'moving my body' especially when I don't use lifts. The kinect and the wii fit have bene left off tho. Food - lest not talk about it. Chocolate and carbs are good comfort food. But I haven't abandoned cooking, or fruit and vegetables completely.

I can't focus on that until I really know what is going on with my thyroid - and I think I have to forgive myself for feeling like that.