Who am I

A very deep title - and it is inspired by my idea for a simple New Year resolution - to be the best possible 'me' that I can. But that means I need to be sure who 'I' am and be confident about what the universe needs from me. Yesterday one of those 'copy and paste' statuses was going round on FB. It was along the lines of I don't care if you are fat or thin rich or poor if you are my friend I accept you as you are. I copied and pasted it - and found myself DO tempted to comment underneath that I was grateful for being accepted as fat, not intelligent.....etc etc. I didn't because I realised I would be doing it only to get re-assrance that none of things mattered - and also I knew it would upset Tony. OK I was feeling down yesterday because I had a cold - but it still shocked me that I had that impulse. And it was THAT, that inspired my simple - but all encompassing' New Year Resolution. So who am "I" This is really CYLI7D territory at 101 level - but lets roll with it. As I type the news is showing a montage of famous people who have died this year - so lets start with the question 'What do I want as my epitaph' 'She cared' sums it up I think. I want people to know that I care about my work, my family, the world. But to truly care about others - I need to care for myself as well. It would really upset me to be thought uncaring - and thats a good sign that I worry I am not caring enough. It is also a sign that I am defining myself too much in terms of how other people see me. I need to care for them if they are going to care for me. I am sure there is some fruitful regression material there if I chose to use it. But knowing why I feel a need to be cared for doesn't help me change my behaviour.So lets focus on the solution rather the problem. I need to be confident I AM a caring person. What can I do to enhance that image in my mind? It says a lot for reiki has come to dominate my life that I am also thinking in terms of the 5 principles and asking' what do I worry about' what makes me angry' Am I honest and hardworking' Am I humble and respectful' 'Am I compassionate' Its really quite simple - to be the best 'me' I can - all I have to do is really put the reiki principles at the heart of my life - and the rest will follow. I thought this blog entry would be rather long - but it has suddenly crystallised. I need to live them so it becomes automatic. I remember a consultant once telling us that clinical governance wasn't something you did as a tick box exercise - it was something built in. If you had to think abut it you were not doing it. That memory has been with a lot lately in relation to some of my pharmacy experiences - but I now think it has been brought to my mind for this purpose to show me the next step on my journey. Reflection is always prevalent at New Year - but of course this a significant new year for me as in about 2 month I will turn 60. and the big '0' birthdays always promote reflection. What have I done, what am I going to do that sort of thing. So this new year I am not going define success next year in terms of weight loss,how much and how well I meditate, whether I can see and feel the energy, whether I become a master reiki teacher, whether.....but I think I have made myself clear. But if I am going to define success in terms of being the best 'me' I can I still need to know who 'I' am. I am a carer. How long have been that? How long have I been saying I am a pharmacist by profession - but a healer/carer all my life? Does it matter WHY I need to see myself as a healer/carer? No. All that matters is that every day I what I can to be the best possible healer/carer that I can be. And that starts with caring for myself and loving myself enough to care for myself properly. So although I have HOPES for 2012 in terms of my personal health ,work and family, they will only happen if I RESOLVE to follow the path the universe and I have laid out for myself. Happy 2012 to anyone who reads this entry. I hope the New Year brings you everything you hope for

Its blog as meditation this morning. I am back at work today after the holidays and not feeling too bright as I have a slight cold, and we have a major problem with Tony's laptop - made worse because he has lost the link to the log-in for the psychic tv station as a result of the problems. He knows that is his OWN fault -and it made him very grumpy while we attempted to sort his laptop out. Its not a major problem - but it FEELS like a major problem - like the fact that I feel so fat at the moment FEELS like a massive problem. But at one level I know neither of them are. So I need a plan to deal with them.I need to feel 'in control' As an aside the principle of 'do not anger' is all about control. Its funny I like to feel I am 'in control' but don't want to be the one taking all the decisions. Now that is something to think about. OK lets deal with feeling fat first. Its quite simple I need to ELMM. That doesn't mean ignoring all the Christmas leftovers. It means eating when I am hungry, eating what I want and eating slowly. Thats the EL bit. MM? Well I am back at work. I will naturally move more. So that just needs some common sense. The laptop......hmmmm I do feel the need to get Tony back to the tv station asap. Once he has the link sent to his email he can log in on my laptop. Do we need to rush around and buy him a new one? Probably not. Maybe this is the excuse I need for an iPad!!! NNNOOO that would be silly!. Do we really NEED 2 laptops? DShould we just buy Tony a cheap low spec laptop JUST to use for the 886 log-ins? I can't decide about that by myself. I need to know whether his laptop can be mended and that means contacting the engineer. But do I do it or leave it to Tony? I need to leave it to Tony. In fact I have just made sure Tony has access to both the phone numbers. So apart from feeling fat, a bit off because of my cold, and a bit off because of the laptop issue, what else am I feeling this morning? I am not especially hungry so haven't eaten. I can't say I am looking forward to work - but I am not shying away from the thought of it. I am even thinking of using the CPD website and doing a new PDP for 2012 during my lunch. I guess that is another sort of meditation - but one focussed on work. I have to start at 9.30 now Pritti has gone on maternity leave. So I need to get into a new routine. Will this include using the gym and treadmill at work? Well that would take care of the MM bit! But part of me is thinking - not today. These are strange days between Christmas and New Year. Not normal. My brain seems to be using the time to take stock, make plans, make sure 2012 works out as it should for us. Hunger intruded as I was writing. I have breakfast of one shredded wheat, a fresh orange and fromage frais. My body doesn't want the high carbohydrate load its had over the past few days. I think thats the knack - listening to my body about food and exercise. I am really enjoying the breakfast - but not really eating it slowly. Thats partly because I am suddenly very aware I have to get showered and dressed to be ready to go out in less than 45 minutes. I need to get moving

I was really chilled about Christmas, christmas cooking and all the preparations for the big day. I decided if if we hadn't got it we didn't need it. And if it wasn't done it didn't matter. Dinner got perfectly cooked, with nothing forgotten or burned. Triumph!!! The only slight fly in the ointment is I seem to have a slight cold. Nothing too bad tho. So here I sit half way between celebrations, contemplating the reality of life in 2012, feeling fat. feeling really RALLY fat in a way that only someone who struggles with their weight will understand. But amazingly still positive! I don't feel a failure, I don't feel I am bad person, I am just trying to work out how to get on top of the issue in a sensible way. I haven't jumped on the scale I have NO plans to go 'on a diet' I am thinking about how to increase my exercise. I did 30 minutes step aerobics on the wii fit yesterday much to my surprise. And I am thinking about fitting the treadmill at work into my routines more - for running not walking. It would mean leaving home half an earlier( or leaving work half an hour later which isn't an option at this time of year) Maybe fitting in the gym on the days I DON'T work at the hospital would be more useful. After all I do 'move my body' quite a lot on hospital days already. Back to my thoughts on how to stop feeling fat. I am sitting here looking at 3 bowls of fruit and thinking I need to detox with a fresh fruit and water for a day or two before New Years Eve. I am actually hungry so I have grabbed a banana and a satsuma for breakfast. The trouble is bananas last less than a minute . Eating slowly isn't really an option. And I know when I've eaten both pieces of fruit I will still feel hungry. Eating a satsuma slowly is easier. And I am enjoying it. But was the fruit really what I WANTED to eat? OR since Paul's method hasn't been a spectacular success for me, am I being an idiot for trying the same thing and expecting different results? How motivated am I REALLY to lose weight? And why? Now there's an interesting couple of questions. Maybe I need a good therapist to help me sort out my thoughts! Or maybe I just need to look inside me for the answers. I never expected this entry to be so deep and thoughtful. i thought it was going to be an upbeat entry on the plans I was making to exercise more. It isn't downbeat by any means. i do feel optimistic. I do feel in control- but optimistic about what? And in control of what? I guess the answer to that is I feel in control of my life - and ultimately that is the most important thing.

Gosh over a week since I posted anything. It has been so busy - and I had some 9.00 am starts whihc robbed me of the time to blog and meditate. 9.30 is my default start time - not 10.00. Pritti has gone on maternity leave early since she is at risk of giving birth early they think. Work are hoping I will do 9.30 until 4.30. I will see how it goes. If the 4.20 finish is too much I will pull it back to 4.00. I haven't meditated properly for a week either. I am as ready as I can be for Christmas - and have even managed to fit in getting the car serviced and getting my hair cut as well as the shopping. I was meant to giving Anne reiki on Wednesday morning. Sadly she was too ill - and departure for Cornwall has been delayed again. I have a horrible feeling that Cornwall isn't going to happen. Even worse I have a horrible feeling she may well die over the holiday period. I do hope I am wrong. There is a lot of sadness about at the moment. Tyler's Dad died totally unexpectedly on Wednesday. We had arranged to go and see them tonight - and that is still going ahead. Rachel says it will do him god to see us - but I won;t be wishing them 'Happy Christmas' I heard 'In the Bleak Midwinter' on the radio on Wednesday . Luckily I was just pulling into park because I was reminded about Edna - and I found I was very close to tears. On brighter note I have heard from denise (the chaplain) and from Rachel Sprason. I lost their numbers when I lost my phone . It is so good to be back in touch. I hope we can find a way to meet up in 2012. Tony is doing well as a tv psychic - an occupation Jane has sadly decided to ignore. I sent her an email which included that piece of information. The return email came quickly - but commented on all the OTHER bits and ignored that entirely. I need to think what I want to do about my relationship with Jane - but that is for the new year. But that is for later. For the moment I am just so pleased Tony is enjoying so much - even tho there are times when he logs on and doesn't get a single call. We now have a phone with a headset to make things easier for him. Life is changing again as we approach the end of 2011. That means I am changing again. I need to make the changes positive and healthy. But am I changing in response to the changes in my life - or the changes happening because I have changed? Hmmm And as far as food is concerned - well I haven't spent fantastic amounts of money on Christmas food - but we do have a lot of less than healthy But it is a holiday after all. I am actually quite confident I won't over indulge and put on loads of weight. I will enjoy my food however. last night I had crusty bread and brie - but I found I only wanted one slice - not the 2 or 3 I would have had in the past. Apart from dreading work today - which could be manic if lots of patients need to be discharged today - things are good and positive. 2011 is ending well I think

Today I have done a hypnotherapy session - and she will be coming back for more. her Mum is interested in reiki, and Monday I have another reiki client over in Solihull. I have eaten moderately and slowly today -and last night I was told I looked as if I had lost weight. I have all the Xmas - just need to do some wrapping. It feels as if everything is working out............... :-)))))))

Unwanted baggage

I have had a number of indications that I have a lot of unwanted baggage I need to identify and dump. This includes my thoughts about the causes of my IBS and bladder issues, my hypnotherapy session with Clare, and today I pulled the 8 of cups from my deck. Of course this could be an indication I am leaving my pharmacy role behind - but my immediate thought was I need to leave behind unhelpful thoughts and attitudes. So can I identify this excess baggage? Lets see My excess weight My lack of self confidence My quest for perfection My guilt about Alan/Edna My guilt about Steve My guilt about my relationship with Jane and the Tuckers My automatic assumption that if anything goes wrong it MUST be my fault And probably a lot more but.......... They all stem from my lack of self confidence - which in turn comes form my self image. It would be easy to say that my excess is the cause of my poor self image - but is it? Its more likely its a symptom of my poor self image. Why am I having these thoughts now? Well things are looking up from Krystal Wolf - and this could be preparing me for greater things in the new year - opportunities which I won't take advantage of if I don't clear up my self image? Clare gave me a key word I think. She was talking about my inner strength. So I need to see my strength in situations . I do not have a poor self image because I am fat - I am fat because my poor self image made me feel I wasn't worth bothering with. It doesn't matter where my poor self image comes from - all that matters is that I deal with it. Weak = failure - strong = success. Weak = being scared to do things because of fear of failure - strong = having the courage to act in confidence. Weakness = failure - strength means using the feedback! On one level I know I am strong - look back at everything that has happened over the past 3 years. I survived it intact. That took strength. Why am I scared to be strong? Is it because I can only tap into that strength in times of trouble? Now there's an interesting thought. I equate strength with trouble. LOTS to think about there.............

WOW

Yesterday goes down as a red letter day. Tony is now employed by Psychic Today on channel 886. Tony also got paid for a private email reading he gave via FB. And I have a hypnotherapy client booked for Thursday evening. All I can say us wow!!! Steve hasn't heard about the job - they have more candidates to interview today. But he feels the fact he knows about locum agencies and pharmacy helps. He also knows he was a lot faster on the typing test they gave him thatn the girl who went in before him. he did his best - and all he can do is wait. An additional wow comes the fact that the form finally got sorted out to get me on the right pay scale at the Orthopedic Hospital. I have been underpaid by 4.00 per hour since I started there in July. The back pay will be nice. - around 1000.00 I think I won't get it until the new year - but I may get the proper rate on the pay slip I will get before Xmas. Another wow comes from the fact that the hypnotherapy client found my card at the surgery - and the GP told her hypnotherapy would be good for her problem. So I sit here this morning feeling good - if fat. For some reason I feel REALLY fat today - but I don't care. My IBS is OK ish, my cystitis is OK , Krystal Wolf has taken a huge step forward, Tony is on cloud 9 - and hasn't yet come down. I know this euphoria can't last - but I do feel a HUGE corner has been turned. We were discussing weight and health at work yesterday = and I got a chance to et on my soapbox about the obesity epidemic really being a lack of exercise epidemic and that being thin doesn't mean being fit. There was general agreement I was right. That is clearly on my mind this morning - OK I am not at what this culture would regard as my 'ideal weight' but for my age I am very healthy. In fact I wander if the actuary tablets that insurance companies use are based on the wrong thing. they are based on weight. maybe they should be based on exercise patterns!! Today I am meeting Jane in leamington. Steve is coming with me - something I am quite relieved about since that will preclude me probing exactly what I have done to upset the Tuckers. I feel I have turned into Aunt Angela from Outnumbered. The embarrassing relative that the kids dislike but the Mum feels she has to support because they are sisters. But what I AM going to make sure gets mentioned is our psychic work - something I suspect Jane is unsure about. I have the perfect anecdote to tell her, about the devout christian I gave reiki to at the hospice. I just hope we find the shops this time. I need to finish my present shopping. I have just realised I have spiritual work every day apart from today this week now. Hospice tomorrow, hypnotherapy on Thursday and on Friday I am giving an extra home treatment to one of my hospice patients. That feels good.

That Monday morning feeling

This could be an important Monday for us. Steve has a job interview, and Tony has a test reading to see if 88g want him for option 0. But I have woken with IBS discomfort - and have resorted to Movicol. Its the longest spell I have had on Movicol for some time. I need some positive visualisation to help it sort itself out. The christmas tree is up and decorated - but I still haven't finished the cards or the wrapping. I had good intentions - but it didn't work out. However I am more organised than I normally am. And I already know I am not going to be rushing around tiring myself out with too much xmas food shopping. This year we are keeping thing simple. Apart from IBS - well I am feeling OK. My cystitis seems to be as under control as it ever is. I can face wearing trousers this morning anyway. I am looking forwrad to the walk across the park - although it will be cold. Its VERY cold this morning - but at least its dry. Must check the weather forecast before I go tow work tho. Food is under control . I am eating mainly healthy stuff. I am exercising on a reasonably regular basis - and trying to do some on the days when I don't go to work. I am still rather in a holding pattern - I don't feel I am making huge strides forward - but I am not going backwards. I wonder if it would be helpful to find out if there are any food triggers for my IBS? I don't think there are - but it may be worth doing in the new year.

I exercised yesterday again. Only 20 minutes on the wii fit - but it was 20 minutes more than I had been doing. This morning I feel energised mentally. I am full of ideas for how to grow Krystal Wolf. Also at the moment I am aware of a number issues making it plain to me why I am so disenchanted with Pharmacy. I only did one treatment yesterday at the hopsice - ad it ended up being a home visit to a lady who has pancreatic cancer. While I was there her husband was sorting out her tablets into a medidose type of container. She is on SO many tablets. She is also on chemo. And she feel rotten. And today the big story on the news is a letter from a woman who went to Dignitas to die. She is berating politicians for cowardice in not amending the law here to allow assisted suicide. There were some shots of her taking medication - and it looked as if she had lots too. It isn't pharmacy I am fed up with - but the way modern medicine treats people sometimes. Polypharmacy has become a way of life - and I don;t believe it always helps. Yesterday my patients husband told me he had been very sceptical about reiki - but now he swears its the only thing helping Anne. There is a real chance her family will continue to pay for reiki once her 12 free treatments are over. I just hope she survives that long. Pancreatic cancer can be vicious. But if reiki is playing any part in helping her - I will carry on giving her reiki to support the medication. Its the only way I CAN see it.

I had hypnotherapy from Clare yesterday - to try and help me unblock myself. When she had gone I used the wii fit for the first time in 22 days. Cause and effect?

Its Ultrasound day. I have to drink a litre of water/squash from 10.45. I think I will do my drinking at the hospital and take a good book to read to while away the time. I don't fancy travelling with a full bladder. Apart form that I am back on the Movicol - which is having minimal effect, and dreading dressing because it is freezing and I want to wear trousers but am afraid it will irritate the cystitis. But do you know what? I am feeling so upbeat and positive it is untrue. I don;t even mind that I feel the size of a beached whale this morning! I have set up a new FB account in the name of Krystal Wolf. I am using that to post availability for readings publicly - i.e. not just to friends. That way we can reach people we don't know. Tony did 2 free readings yesterday, is doing (or has done overnight?) another one - and that person wants to see him for a face-to-face paid for reading in the future. It just shows the power of positive thought. Still no sign of reiki or hypnotherapy clients for me - none of the nibbles I have had have turned into bites - but I don't care. It will happen when the time is right. I am even quite cool about the fact I am probably not going to hit my two targets. I may have my portfolio done by Christmas - but I don;t think i will hit my weight loss target - but then I haven't weighed myself so I don;t know. Do I have any serious intention of stepping on the scales? I don't know. I may . But I am not going to be ruled by a number. Is this 'failure 'relevant? I my present state no. I feel as if a huge corner has been turned - except I didn't know it was blocking the way until I turned it. I feel at peace with myself. I know I need to focus on what I can learn from the fact I set the target - and didn't hit it. "There is no such thing as failure - only feedback"

Its been a turbulent 36 hours for me - probably 48 hours or longer for Tony. The first I knew about it was when Tony sent me an email at work saying he was giving up psychic work because he wasn't getting anywhere. So he pulled out of the psychic fair we were going to yesterday, left krystalwolf on Facebook, and even told me he had 'fired' his guides. I went to the fair without him, had an amazing reading done for me, did one reading myself (it was really quiet so I was grateful for that one) The reading I had (asked for by me for me) was about us - and how intertwined Tony is with me. Anyway while I was away Tony went public on FB about what he was doing, got some good advice, got told what I already knew guides can't be fired, and has not only rejoined Krystalwolf (as the only admin left I had to agree to let him join) but submitted an application to Psychic TV to become one of their option 0 team. When I got home we even discussed an idea I had about both of us doing a special up at Paula Jaynes. We haven't discussed it but I am presuming he will be coming with me to the psychic supper Karl has asked us to be at on Thursday. I always knew there was a better than even chance he would be their even while I was having a bit of cry about the whole mess sown at The Witch. What can I learn from this? What can I do to help Tony have more belief in himself? I need to think about it carefully. If he had been getting the feedback from me he probably wouldn't have put himself - and me- through this. I really need to work on this. On another topic I have looked at the links given to me by Beachbody. I can't see me doing anything more about it. A 90 day fitness programme isn't the sort of thing I would use. It isn't aimed at fitness - its aimed at getting a 6 pack - and that isn't my idea of 'fit' Anyway I sit here this morning with IBS playing up, back on Movicol, having had cystitis bug me most of the night. I will be relieved to get the ultrasound over tomorrow - and very glad I am not back at ROH until Thursday. Roday I want a nice relaxing day with Tony.

I did the paperwork, pciked up my prescription from the GP, and dropped it off at the pharmacy all in the smae swimming trip. We went o Cocksmoor Wood - and I took a walk down memory lane - not always a happy one either. But I enjoyed the swim . Apart from that I didn't do much yesterday. I didn't go anywhere near the portfolio. I feel my food and water intake was OK. Not brilliant but OK. I avoided coffee until the evening - and then I had decaff anyway. I was drinking decaff tea most of the day. I still had a slight cystitis issue last night. Last night I had lots of issues tho. i couldn't sleep. It must have been at least 2 before I finally got to sleep. I slept through until nearly 7 tho so I dn;t feel too bad this morning. I just don;t know why I couldn't sleep. So this morning I am tired, but I have done my spiritual 'workout' including my phone call to the cosmos. It was interesting - details are in the other blog. I am ready for a day at work - although I would much rather be doing a day of reiki

I have a day off today - but I will be using it to sort out paperwork, write christmas cards, do some more work on my portfolio. I am also going swimming with Maggie. yesterday at the hospice was a good day - and I may even have a paying client as a result of it. Time will tell. I drank loads of water yesterday, and my food was ok. No biscuits at all. And I didn't grab a late night snack to take up to bed with me. I have had tea to drink rather than coffee this morning. I have identified coffee along with sugar as two things which may tend to irritate my cystitis so I am going to see if I am better on tea. I had an intriguing email the other day from a company who have spotted my blog and want to know if I will include a link to mention their products. I will take a look at the link they have sent me. It isn't a british company so I know nothing about the product. I am unsure about this. I am not making the mistake of thinking they have picked my blog because it especially good - although I have no doubt I am meant to think that. They have done a search on blogger for words like 'diet' 'food' 'health' and are probably talking to thousands of other bloggers. Well thats ok. But if I DO decide to talk about their products, it will only because I genuinely feel they offer something to fellow marchers on the long and difficult journey to a healthier lifestyle and better life. I feel good this morning. I am still on a high from yesterday at the hospice -and even the game being unexpectedly called off (much to Tony's annoyance) didn't dampen things. I wrapped presents, wrote cards and did some work on my portfolio instead while Tony and Richard played on the XBox. I have eaten a healthy breakfast - and left some in the bowl. I have had water and tea. I am going swimming, and I have a plan for the day.

Cystitis decided to attack me yesterday. It went wrong almost from the ward go. I put trousers on and quickly realised I was in pain. So reverted to a skirt and tights. The tights came off when I reached the hospital. Luckily it is well heated because it was cold yesterday - and no weather to be wandering outside with bare legs. By 3 it had got to the stage where I was uncomfortable sitting down. At 3.45 I gave up and went home - barelegged walking across the park. So no meal out for me yesterday. A bath worked wonders. This morning I have slight IBS discomfort, very very slight cystitis discomfort and I know I will be fine to go to the hospice. I don't think it is co-incidence that both have flared up at the same time. I am even wondering if there is some more esoteric reason why I have these issues at the moment. I am mentally 'holding on to' something I really need to get rid of?? Anyway I did one imaginary phone call at work in the toilets yesterday, And I have done one this morning as part of my spiritual exercises. There is a good practical reason to practice taking a call like that. I want to sound confident and professional - not give the impression I am falling down with excitement. If I have practiced taking it it will be automatic. OK so where I am with health and fitness? Apart from the above I am OK. Food went OK yesterday - but I have realised I am not drinking enough water. I have managed to slip out of the habit. It won;t be a problem today. I drink a cup of water per patient. That should be 4 today. I am finding work at the Orthopaedic more and more frustrating. The lack of system and process is annoying me more and more. Funnily enough its partly because management won't let pharmacists do their job properly because they will cave in if consultants won't stick to the rules. I do miss the kind of clinical involvement that saw me as part of the team discussing things with the consultant - and having my opinion respected and acknowledged. I do recognise that was also highly patient related if not directly patient facing. I am really looking forward to today at the hospice. I wonder if I will have any new referrals? So what am I setting as my food and drink goals for the day? Well water water and more water for starters. ............................................. My next statement was going to be 'eat when I am hungry' which made me realise I was. So I am having breakfast. Porridge with sharon fruit and honey - and a mug of water on the side. To be honest porridge wasn't my first thought - but then I realised we had 2 more sharon fruit - which I had intended to cancel - in my fruit and beg box. Since I remembered one serving suggestion was mushed up in porridge I thought I'd give it ago. They have to be eaten - and Tony won't try them again.He really disliked them! Its not making my taste buds dance with delight - but its pleasant, Eating what I really want is always a problem when I have to rely on someone else's menu options. Luckily the hospice has good food choices. The hospital much less so. I know I will enjoy my lunch when I have it today. I know one thing I need to try and put into practice a lot more - leaving something on my plate. My big food problem is I am eating when I am NOT hungry. And that is the most important thing I need to tackle.

I have a plan..........

I have decided I need to focus on one aspect of desired wonk. I know generally I want to work as a reiki practitioner and hypnotherapist with some psychic fairs thrown in for good measure. But I need to build up my client list before I can realistically cut down my pharmacy hours, AND look seriously at some nice premises. So I am focussing my attention on one bit of all that. I am focussing on getting a client that I can treat up at Paula Jayne's How am I doing this? Well laugh if you must but I have decided at least once a day - and probably more often I am going to stand in front of a mirror and answer an imaginary phone call on my mobile, from an imaginary client who I will book for an imaginary appointment at the salon. I have done it for the first time this morning. I reckon that gets my intention out there to the universe loud and clear. It is achievable . I feel so amazingly positive now. I am looking forward to the walk across the park. I am going out for a meal tonight with the girls from work and I am confident I'm not going to feel embarrassed by how fast or how much I eat. I have eaten a delicious healthy breakfast. I have a healthyish lunch packed. I didn't have any biscuits yesterday - but there was some wonderful chocolate cake at work - and I did over indulge in that. I suddenly feel in control of things - I know I am the only one responsible for my thoughts and actions. Have I turned some sort of corner here?

Feeling a bit adrift

I am not sure what this blog is about this morning. I think I will just left is develop and see where it takes me. The accountant has filed my accounts Hooray!!! There is still another step to do as HMRC will send me some information I need to send to HIM but then it will be done. And then presumably he WILL send me his bill. How did things go so wrong with this relationship? I lost trust in him when I couldn't contact him at one point - I believe he was ill. And then there was the issue of the file they suddenly couldn't pen less than 24 hours after telling me my accounts had been filed. And there was the issue of his bill. He said he would attach his bill the next time he emailed me - and I then didn't hear anything from him. I know I need to reflect on why it went wrong . Communication is vital in my healing work. This is the classic failed communication and I need to know what I did wrong. I had a good weekend - but it was rather spoiled by a combination of IBS and cystitis discomfort. A rather unpleasant combination. But it didn't stop me relaxing, going to church, and doing some work on my portfolio. It didn't stop us going over to Wolverhampton last night either. The game went on until 11. I didn't get to bed until nearly midnight, and as a result I am bit late up this morning. It was gone 7 when I woke up. Thank goodness I am back to a 10.00 start. I have had time to meditate this morning - and of course to make this blog entry. Why am I feeling adrift? I am not sure. After the high of Wednesday - its all been rather downbeat I suppose - not helped by the accountant issue of course. A couple of my friends have had amazing results with asking the universe for things and getting them. I am pleased for them - but very jealous. If they can get things why can't I? But lets be fair I haven't really tried to do what they have done -but they had clear ideas of what they wanted. I don't. I don't have a direction so I AM drifting. Now thats odd because I do know clearly what I want to end up doing - but I don't have a concrete plan for how to get there. I have realised since I qualified as a hypnotherapist, I have been trying to favour that over reiki. But all the patients at the hospice I have tried it on, I now think will respond better to reiki. Why don't I trust reiki? I had the thought this morning that my scientific side is too dominant. I know I need science and spirituality to be in balance to progress. I need to get back to spirituality - back to reiki. Maybe thats why I ended up in church yesterday morning. I have done my spiritual exercise this morning - but it really has been some time since I did a proper meditation. OK so where does this leave me? I have been focussing on getting hypnotherapy clients - which needs me to take rooms at Kings Heath. I already have a place to do reiki. I am going to focus on getting a client I treat up at the salon. So I feel better for having worked out what my next step needs to be. Both IBS and cystitis are grumbling along this morning.I feel tired - but quite ready to cope with a day at the hospital. I haven't eaten yet but I am a bit hungry - but I need to get a move on as I have less than an hour to eat and get ready to go out. I have packed my lunch (home made soup) . I am thinking about using the technique I was taught at the Paul McKenna day to help me chose my breakfast so I pick what my body really needs. I am looking forward to the walk through the park. I am doing as well as I can be I think.

So this morning I am slightly less tired than yesterday - but my sleep was very disturb due to a fair bit of discomfort from my cystitisy thing. This makes decisions about what to where very difficult. I can't go bare legged its too cold so that means I either have to wear tights or trousers both of which will make the problem worse. If I could stay home I could wear a long skirt - but that isn't practical for work. Today it will have to be trousers - but I am not looking forward to putting them on and walking around in them. Another stress issue is I had a bill from HMRC for a 100.00 fine because my 09/10 accounts haven't been filed. Thanks to lousy communication with the accountant I didn't understand why he was still asking for information when as far as I was concerned 09/10 accounts were done and dusted and I had a new accountant. Anyway I have sent him a LONG email this morning so hopefully it will be sorted out and then I can forget all about it - and him. I must say the relationship with him has made me think about communication a lot - and the importance of rapport. We had no rapport - I felt he didn't listen to me and it made me distrust him. Maybe I have a metaphor to use in my hypnotherapy........ I don't know yet if I will try to get HIM to pay the fine - and pay it myself and chalk it up to experience. After all communication is a 2 way thing - and maybe I didn't listen hard enough to him??? I really enjoyed - and needed - an afternoon off yesterday. But today I am feeling fit for work - and am going swimming with Maggie afterwards. I should also be meeting Helen for lunch so I have a lot to look forward to.

I feel much MORE tired this morning than I did yesterday - having had a very bad nights sleep for some reason. But I am still very upbeat after an AMAZING afternoon at the hospice - and a very good evening. The morning wasn't bad either as I got most of the christmas shopping sorted. The pamper day at the hospice was SUCH an affirmation for me that I am the right path. My first patient was Dave whose first question was 'Is this based on a religion because I'm a christian and I don't want something that is against my religion. I said it (and I) were spiritual, pointed out my cross, said the other reiki healer was a very devout christian. I did say some factions within the church DO disapprove of reiki, but that reiki healers were welcome at the Raphael Guild which is part of the church of england. Ge deiced to give it a go and at the end his first comment was 'wow' He REALLY enjoyed it and obviously got some benefit from it. Then I treated Margaret's friend Heather - who has health problems of her own and she ALSO really enjoyed it. I also treated Margaret and we have agreed she will have more reiki from me - which was exactly what I wanted to do with her anyway. She kept saying how she could feel heat in her neck (she has swallowing problems) I also treated a lady called Julie who really enjoyed her treatment but during the pre treatment chat admitted to an alcohol problem. I am hoping both Heather and Julie can get referred for further treatment as carers. Margaret gave me the most wonderful moment tho. She said that of all the people she sees at the hospice I am the one she she feels has done most for her, and I am the one she trusts most. I have managed to draw stuff out of her that others haven't. It just shows I should have taken more notice of the fact she kept coming back even tho I felt the sessions hadn't gone as I thought they should have. Nicky bumped into me after my second session with her and said she thought I had been really helping her - and I was sceptical. And I have realised if someone is having reiki, I can maybe still talk to them with a few positive suggestions. The game last night was MUCH better than the old Monday game. Keeping Rob out was a good idea sad as it sounds. Tony enjoyed running it, Paul Mark and Richard (and I) enjoyed the game, and I a looking forward to maybe RUNNING a game. The downside is Mark will also want to run a game - but he may be better without Rob in the group. So I sit here feeling tired, bloated, and having cancelled my visit to Maura this afternoon, but still full of ideas. I have part 2 of my core training this morning so another trip to solihull, then home via the supermarket to relax - and do some more on my portfolio. I feel in control - and when I feel like that I seem to be in control of everything - including food. Although to be fair I had to grab whatever was available at the time during the day yesterday - and that meant biscuits and cake. But It was what I really fancied - and I did eat them sowly and REALLY enjoyed them. Ditto dinner whihc was ravioli and baked potato. This morning I haven't eaten - and won't have time to before I go out. But I am taking healthy finger food with me.

I feel tired - but strangely upbeat this morning. Despite my niggling health issues, the continuing flare up of my IBS into 'shut down' mode, feeling the size of a bloated whale , the on going issues with my bladder, and some rather disturbing dreams, I feel in control of things. I have done at least an hours work on my portfolio in the evening after work on Monday and Tuesday and I feel I am making real progress with it. I have even sorted out psychodynamic, humanistic and cognitive behavioural approaches. I am finding two books I bought recently SO helpful. Magic and Practice and Wordweaving. I know as I learn and understand more from the work I am doing, I learn more about me. I have also realised I still have a LOT to learn about communication with patients and writing a good script. But I feel challenged and uplifted. I must be doing something right I also have plans to go swimming. I am going to meet Maggie on Friday. It will be good to get back into that routine - although with Northfield baths closed it will mean more traveling for me. Today we also have a game at out house. The Monday game is being re-vamped and re-shaped. Funnily enough the one exclusion has been Rob - who is a much better roleplayer. But I feel more relaxed about the game with Mark , Paul and Richard as the other gamers and NO Rob. I know Tony is looking forward to running a game again. And this is a group I can run for as well. The game at wolverhampton is great - but Wolf does ALL the dm'ing. This morning I have to go to Sheldon yo get my smartcard for the hospice PAS system - and then this afternoon is a pamper day at the hospice. I also intend to fit in some Xmas shopping in Mell square - and maybe some ordinary shopping as well. So I have the prospect of a good day ahead.

Work was OK yesterday. Despite having no technicians available to go on the wards, I lucked out because ward 1 only had about 8 patients. Someone was looking after me! I wonder if its any coincidence that I was drawn to my Archangel Michael deck this morning and pulled a card all about protection? And genuinely that thought only came to me as I started typing. My IBS is still in full on static mode. This doesn't help anything. I did some self healing this morning and I am hoping that will help things resolve. I did some work on my portfolio last night as well as finishing the script I need to record for one of my patients at the hospice. In fact I spent nearly 2 hours that I would previously have just wasted being productive. This has got to be hood. AND I managed to cook a proper tea with real vegetables. I am optimistic I will manage the same tonight as well. Things seem to be improving in my mind. I am currently reading a wonderful book called wordweaving which is all about how to construct the best script to help your client. It examines how clients think, and inevitably gets you thinking about how YOU think .Its useful self development as well as CPD. I was marginally disturbed by a bizarre incident yesterday when Sandy - who I always thought was a nice friendly person played a track on her iPod she said made her think of me. It was an awful sickly sweet thing. I can't as yet work out if it was meant a joke, if Sandy has a nasty side to her or if that really is the image I project. I can't ask her about it - unless she decides to mention it again. But it has disturbed enough that I am sure there is some message for me. I just need to work it out.

AAARRGGGHHHHH

The title kind of sums it up. I am sitting here this morning, feeling heavy and lethargic after an evening of bingeing last night.It doesn't help that my IBS is swinging round into a 'bunged up' phase. So this morning I feel hungry and bloated at the same time, and I have dosed myself with some Movicol. This is NOT a good start to a week, and made worse by Maggie telling me she has put on 5lbs over the last 5 weeks. I KNOW Maggie has her strategy wrong - but really I am not sure mine is any better. However on the plus side, my card pick this morning was 'Ask' and the text was all about how the angels cannot help us unless we do ask because we have free will. So in my meditation I asked for some insight into why I keep blocking my efforts to get healthy. My actual question was 'Why am I scared' to be healthy?' Immediately the thoughts that came to my mind were of work at the Orthopedic. The insight I got was that being unhealthy gives me excuse NOT to work all the hours they want. If I saw myself as 'fully fit' what reason could I give them for my 10-4 hours on a maximum of 3 days a week. I need to sort out what is cause and effect here. Is work at the ROH making my unhealthy because I am fundamentally 'unhealthy'? Or is that my defense so I don't have to work there more than I do? I found myself thinking that I need to take more positive steps to getting my hypnotherapy and reiki set up . Its getting the balance right being being active and sitting at home relaxing. There is also a psychological aspect. I believe a lot more in hypnotherapy and reiki than in my work as a pharmacist. Somehow I need to get my subconscious to understand that I can do more than I do at the moment, as long as its focussed on my new clients. Claire is going to give me some hypnotherapy on the 6th. I think I need some regression and I think it could be VERY enlightening. Because I do still need to find out why I cannot see myself as anything but 'fat' I do try to be consistent in my goals for getting healthy. I have always tried to see it as a journey to health, rather than journey to be thinner. But there is no doubt being thinner would a major boost. And losing weight IS a major boost to health. So clearly if I want to be unhealthy on one level, keeping myself fat is a great way to achieve that. Oh what complex things we humans are!!

Yesterday was good. 5 raiki treatments - and one session with a lady who just likes to talk - so I let her while trying to get some relaxation exercises. This morning I am tired - for some reason I slept badly. But ready for another session at the hospital. I am taking some of my cards with me - just in case. Food has been okayish. Some mince pies found their way home with me from shopping. They were on BOGOF offer so one pack has gone in the freezer. Out of a pack of 4 I had one - and had no desire to eat another one. I drank LOADS of water yesterday - I always do at the hospice - partly because it is easily available. But I feel a strange sense of relief that I don't have any appointments next week as its a pamper day. I wonder why I feel like that? I do find the work at the hospice tiring. I wonder if there is a message for me there? Its the drive probably. WHY do I find driving so tiring now? Its less than 20 miles - about 30 minutes drive. It should be EASY. Maybe Claire can help me sort out what's going on with that I am so looking forward to tomorrow and not working. I have things to do - taking Steve to his interview for one thing - but NO WORK and a ghost hunt in the evening. AND Tony and I have permission to take our cards and do readings. So we may well actually make a profit on the evening!! My appointment for the ultrasound on my bladder and kidneys came through yesterday - December 5th. I hadn't had any cystitis type feelings for several days - but as if on cue they were back last night - that could be one reason why I didn't sleep well I suppose. They didn't last long though so it can't have been all due to that. I am determined to have my Christmas presents and cards sorted by December 1st. Luckily I will have some shopping time next Wednesday - and maybe Thursday as well. I seem to rambling about nothing this morning - but I guess this is helping me focus on something - darned if I know what though.

Its just as well I can accept that my life is in a period of change - because after yesterday at work if this was my long term prospect for work I would be climbing the walls. It was horrible, really busy even with Pritti and another locum in (Emmeline is on leave till December). Poor communication and poor management just make things worse - and they are going to lose both their really good medicines management technicians because they are so fed up. Luckily for the 16.5 hours a week I am expected to be there I can just keep my head down and get on with my job as best I can. But it is giving me a spur to get another day when I cannot work for them because I am doing hypnotherapy and/or reiki. But I would like to try and some way to improve things at ROH if I could. I have the experience to be able to manage things better myself if I WAS in charge. Maybe I can drop a few ideas in the right ears. I managed the walk, and the walking round OK yesterday. Food was OK . I still don't feel I making massive strides towards a fabulously healthy food intake - but I am enjoying my food and I am not eating crisps or chocolate. I don't MISS crisps or chocolate . But I did enjoy the chocolate cookies we had yesterday evening. We have some sausage rolls in the fridge left over from our ghost hunting picnic. The old me would have HAD to have had one yesterday - maybe taken on in for lunch. But I am happy to leave them there until I think 'mmmmm I fancy one of those' The pre Paul McKenna me would NOT have thought like that . The days when I would go and buy a chocolate bar or 2 to sustain me on the way home have LONG gone - as have the days of my lunch being an sandwich, a sausage roll and a muffin washed down with hot chocolate. Looked at like that I have made HUGE progress over 3 years.

I found myself thinking last night about this blog and what it is for.I found myself wondering should I use this blog to help me set goals, or should I use it record simply what happens? Should I use it to keep myself honest about my progress towards my goals. Am I using this blog in the best way I can? Is it helping me? I started it to help me record how - or whether - I coped with everything that was going on in my life at the time - which was a lot in the year we christened two thousand and hate. At that point I imagined a time when life would be settled again - but that hasn't happened. I no longer have a regular routine of work, and I am still working very actively towards a very different type of work than I could ever have imagined 3 years ago. Why are these thoughts coming now? Because today I start back at ROH, for a much more acceptable 3 days a week with a 10.00 am start. It SHOULD be an indication of some stability returning to life - and in a way it is. But I can't plan around this being my routine until I want it to change. I have all the time been waiting for life to return to 'normal' But I don't think its ever going to do that. It can't because 'normal' now encompasses psychic fairs at evenings and weekend, ghost hunts , and reiki/hypnotherapy given when clients are available - which is mainly at weekends and evening. I need to think had about why I pulled out of the activities I had planned on Thursday and Friday last week and what that MUST mean for future decisions. But I can't use the excuse of life being up and down for me to avoid my food and exercise issues. Going back to ROH does help me with exercise. I will be walking to and from work .........3 days a week. That still leaves 4 days when I need to get myself organised. Sharon hasn't blogged about her weight issues for some time. But yesterday she turned 40 - and blogged about her battles with her weiight and how dieting hadn't worked for her. She feels she did best when she was doign intuitive eating - which is what Paul McKenna strongly advocates. She has stated she is determined to put the scales away and not be ruled by them. She is determined to stop counting calories or points or anything else. O know that is a good approach for her. I need to take it as a reminder that its the approach I have been trying to take. In fact how strange that we have BOTH been prompted to recall our battles and have an impetus to make a new resolution. Sharon - I am right there with you girl - as you are here for me. As for this blog - well this entry shows what it is best at - helping me sort my thoughts out.

What an amazing day I had yesterday. At the hospice I did 3 reiiki treatments 1 hypnotherapy - and one session where I just chatted really. Then I did two more private hypnotherapy sessions. I had to cope with 4 abreactions in total . One of these came after a reiki session. I was getting the strong feeling I needed to only give a short session to reduce the risk of a healing reaction. Just as I 'sealed' her reiki blanket at the end, she burst into tears. I got back home really tired - but feeling I had really done some good. In fact Nick Food was tricky yesterday. I ended up with appointments at 11,12,1, and 2 yesterday. Lunchbreak?? Well there wasn't one (I've sorted that out for next week by moving the two afternoon patients two 1.30 and 2.30) I managed to get 10 minutes to eat a jacket potato with tuna. Eat slowly? Ha!! don;t make me laugh. I then didn't get to eat again until I got home about 7.30. I had soup and toast, but then did snack (mainly healthy snacks tho) on fruit, the stuff in the graze box, but my final snack WAS cheese and biscuits. I am very tired today - mainyl due to 3 days travel to Solihull and back. I am meant to be going over again today and tomorrow. Today to give some healing at SIMTR for a cancer support group meeting in the evening, and tomorrow for another computer course - plus getting my system one smartcard sorted out. I am NOT going tonight, and to be honest may not go tomorrow either. Drakelow is more important to me than the hospice. Not sure what that says about me tho. I had to turn down 3 requests for me to do pharmacy work as well. Little Aston need emergency cover today and Friday, and ROH wanted me to work Saturday. I have said no to all 3. And I don't feel at all guilty. As well as having the wedding sorted out, my holiday with Steve in January is confirmed. a week at Trenython Manor. We will both just CHILL, and I intend to keep driving to a minimum. I will probably terat myself to some of the tours they organise. Eden Project here I come!!! As its self catering I wont be faced with a huge bill for eating out all the time. Steve will just chill , swim and use the gym - but I bet we go on some expeditions together. Anyway Having had a very lazy start to the morning, I must get going. My plan is to do soem serious work on my portfolio today - and I must get going on it

Yesterday morning I did a card pick for myself from Angel Therapy - and got Solar Plexus Chakra. the message on the card are 'It is OK to be powerful and take control of your life. I thought 'Wow' because it really fitted with the tone of yesterdays blog entry. I am trying to get control of things.

So I am delighted to say that after 3 frustrating attempts to get through to them, I managed to make the arrangements for us to take our documents (1.45 Feb 6th) in to the Registry Office and the wedding is pencilled in for 2.50 pm on Thursday 1st March 2012.

Then when I got home I discovered I'd already had a potential client as a result of the cards I left at the surgery - maybe 2. Tony spoke to them and its a mother and daughter ( weight loss???) and said I would ring them back. Down side is I have tried to but no-one answered. It was a mobile so I left a text as it didn't go to voicemail.

Like how cool is THAT to happen on the day I decided to take control? How cool is it that I got the message it is SAFE for me to take control?

Dinner last night was a DISASTER. I didn't enjoy it at all - and in fact I only ate half of it - if that. I tried to make creamed cabbage - and it went wrong. But I am already p[anning how to rescue it by making bubble and squeak . But art of the reason I didn't enjoy it was because I did quickly feel full. That is a GOOD sign

I drank water again yesterday. I was on another course for the hospice - and again every cup of coffee (bar one) was accompanied by water. And in the mornings my coffee is now always followed by water. So I am making progress on the small things. I need to make progress on the larger ones like food choices and mindful eating.

I know there is something in my mind that is scared to lose weight and be healthy and that is why I am not making the progress I want.

I need some mind /life laundry and I think I will ask Claire to help me.

Gosh four days since I last posted. Its almost taken me that long to get over the hunt on Friday night - which was a-ma-zing!! But life has been a bit up and down since then. Tony has been VERY tired since the investigation. he did some channeling and it took it out of him. So we didn't get the bonfire on Saturday - and cried off the game on Sunday too. Partly becasue we were bth still tired but also because it was going to be a ;ate start when I needed an early finish to make sure I got to my computer course on time yesterday morning. Then Steve fell ill and ended up at the docs yesterday. Luckily my hypnotherapy patients for last night had to cancel due to illness. TBH I was quite happy to have a quiet night in last night.


On the plus side, the practice manager at my GP is VERY happy for me to leave some cards there - and they are right at the front of the reception desk.

I haven't really meditated or done any of my spiritual exercises much. Although I did try to use cards to get guidance for Helen and Patrick. But today I have a late start. I am on a manual handling course at the hospice which doesn't start until 10.30 so I have PLENTY of time to get ready to go out today.

I am NOT on track with either my portfolio or my weight loss, and I haven't yet managed to get the wedding booked. I will start that today. The portfolio is on the agenda for Thursday. And the weight loss? Well I am still trying to make healthy meal choices, and keep the snacks down. I am still trying to increase my water intake and move my body. Sp pretty much where I have been for the last x months to be honest. I did drink water during the computer course yesterday. For every cup of coffee I had a cup of water.

Life feels 'disordered' at the moment. I am in a time of change I know that. I need to roll with the changes, maximise my chances for development, and believe in myself

Its 8.15 and I have only just got up. And I am looking forward to not going back to pharmacy work until 14th November.

Today I am going to chill - after a visit to the doctor and a trip to Sainsbury. Tonight is our long delayed return to Creaky!!!! So I want to be rested and refreshed for it. I am so glad I slept well last night. I had my normal wakeful spells - but the fact that my wakeful around 6 ended with me going back to sleep speaks volumes. That really IS late for me.

I may have no pharmacy work - but I have 4 hypnotherapy clients - some of whom may need more than one treatment! I also have 2 potential reiki clients who could if they becoem actual clients may well need more than one session.

So I would have worked 16.5 hours for about 360,00 less tax next week. Instead I will be working for 3.5 hours for 160.00 less tax..... and some driving.

So today I will be spending some time putting scripts together. My nody will be relaxing - my brain won't. @ of the sessions (a combined one for a mother and son) are about weight loss. Now THAT is going to be interesting . it will concentrate MY mind wonderfully on my issues. But I must be careful not to project MY problems onto THEM.

I am really looking forward to next week.

Yesterday was an interesting day at the hospice. I have realised the patients who are referred to me where I think hypnotherapy is the best option, are totally different to the people who have come to me before. they don't buy in to it in the same way. I don't think I have got either patient into a proper trance - and certainly the sessions are less successful from the viewpoint of results for the patients. This has been a wake up call to me that different patients need different approaches. I need to write a generic eriksonian induction .

Food went OK ish yesterday - but not as good as I hoped - and I didn't drink as much water. But I did do 10 minutes on the wii fit when I got home yesterday. I am not bingeing on biscuits chocolates or crisps so I am still in control - sort of. But game nights are a nightmare.

We have another booking to give reading. Karl is having a psychic supper and he's offered a table for free to do readings - with the proviso that we make a donation to the British Legion if we make loads. So we do both have work trickling in.

Things are actually looking pretty good for us - so I have no reason to be comfort eating because of that. I wonder why I am eating so much of the wrong stuff? I am certainly eating what I want - but I am eating when I am not hungry - and thats what I need to work on.

Things seem to be taking shape as far as work is concerned. The Othopedic want me 3 days a week (Monday Tuesday and Friday) until.......well for some time. I recon its good until this time next year. They will also let me drop back to my ten am start. So I will be doing a basic 18 hours a week. for them. They know Little Aston is important to me and as long as they know in advance when they have booked me - they accept that I am not 100% available to them. Since the only days LA have so far booked me is Thursdays so far it all fits together rather well.

Also on the work front 2 possible hypnotherapy clients have turned into 2 definite bookings, and I have a possible reiki client that I hope to sort out tomorrow.

What is NOT happening so far is any work on my portfolio. I am so tired when I gey home from work I can't get motivated. But I now have days with NO work - so I can still get it done by the end of the year.

As for my other goal. Oh dear all I can say is my eating pattern and food choices have been unbelievably bad. I feel totally adrift. I know what I should be doing - but can't do it. I have realised I still have a large dose of dislike for myself that is stopping me. Is this linked to the angst I was feeling over last weekend? Maybe. But I need to love myself , and love this body, to be able to adopt healthy eating and drinking patterns.

After a bad nights sleep I am VERY tired this morning - but looking forward to my day at the hospice. However it is tinged with sadness because Stephen dies on Monday - and he was on my list reiki patients today. I was so touched that Marie let me know - not long after she herself had found out.

I can't face the wii fit this morning - but I will use it when I get home. Today will be my 1000th day on it! Thats a landmark I can't miss!

Yesterdays organisation has spilled over into today. So I have done housework and paperwork this morning. I've haven't used the wii fit but I ache from yesterday and I found work VERY tiring yesterday too. So I am taking it easier today. After all I get a lot of exercise getting to and from work - not counting all the walking round the hospital during the day.

BUT I am seriously wondering how viable it is for me to do much work at ROH. There are some things going on there that I am not happy about in the way they work - and I am worried it is starting to make ME work in a less safe way. I need to think about this VERY carefully - but I am not going to rush to a decision.

I have lots of thoughts racing through my head about this but I need to meditate on it - literally as well as figuratively I think. One thing is sure I am going to take as much work at Little Aston as I can.

I did my spiritual exercises with just a candle downstairs this morning. I decided I need to be able to get 'in the zone' wherever I am and I need to practice that.

I need to get moving or I will be late for work. I just hope Mudge doesn't decide to follow me they way he did yesterday! He didn't come into the park luckily - and did make his way home afterwards. I suspect we would be really surprised if we knew how far out cats REALLY go when they go out

Not a lot in this entry about weight loss and health. I am ticking along really. Still got lots of things I know I need to address - but for now to be honest I am content to just tick along. BUT I need to take action if I am to stick to my christmas weigh-in goal. So maybe I need a kick about THAT as well

A spiritual kick up the backside

Well it was what I needed - and frankly it was what I got. The details are in the other blog so I won;t repeat them here.

Despite not getting to bed till midnight last night after the game went on till nearly 11, this morning I feel bright eyed and bushy tailed. And more importantly ORGANISED.

I have meditated and exercised this morning, as well as feeding the cats and tidying the kitchen, I have nearly an hour before I need to go to work to fit in breakfast, showering and dressing.I am eating breakfast as I type this.

I have surprised myself with my exercise . Having mot used the wii fit for nearly 2 weeks, when I used it , I went straight in with 30 minutes step aerobics. And this morning I have moved up to jogging. Not a short or long run but an island lap. I felt no psychological need to build up . Which is interesting. Visualising the walk across the park this morning I am thinking 'bring it on' so I am clearly over the lurgy. But I am wondering how I will feel after a day at ROH. I think I need to use the walk to visualise the day going really well. I WILL ask for some angelic help - indeed I have already done so as part of my meditation.

Today the job on my 'must do' list is to fill out the forms for the UK Reiki federation. I am not sure I will get anything else done as I am meant to be going to the stargazy party for 'Frankie' - one of the pharmacists I got to know through Locumvoice who sadly died of pancreatic cancer earlier this year. As I probably live closest of any of the forum members (it is in Stratford) I should go. I am not sure I will have the energy for the drive - but maybe I should just visualise myself getting there and getting back with no problems.

Having felt very negative yesterday I feel much more positive today.

Memories

Yesterday didn't go as I had planned. Not a major problem as I didn't really HAVE any plans. But for some reason yesterday I got sent back to unpleasant memories. For some reason this year Hallowe'en has just reminded me of Alan's drinking. And then one of my FB friends posted a status about the hell of watching a relative with dementia. No prizes for guessing where THAT took me. And I found myself thinking about David .

Inside I am more more upset that I should be - and more upset than anyone round me knows. In fact Tony doesn't realise what's going inside me. And I can't talk to him about it. No correction I COULD but don't want to. I was a real bore about Alan in my pre Paul McKenna days. I know I was.

Ironically these memories have been pushed to the front on the day Steve showed that he is undoubtedly going to be a success in life. He's got a job interview. OK its not the same as getting a job but it shows he's putting his CV about - and clearly people consider his CV shows promise.


I should be happy - but I can't shake off those bad memories. So this morning I am feeling demotivated, somewhat tired (but thats partly due to the clocks gong back I think) and definitely doing a lot of 'ruminating'

I need to make sure thr ruminating is productive not destructive

Not sure what's got into me today! I had a lie in till nearly 8, then got up . Having 4 cats is not compatible with staying in bed in the morning! My intention was to chill use the laptop, watch tv for a bit. But I got the urge to use the wii fit. 30 minutes and 3450 steps later I am having breakfast and my second cup of coffee. For some reason the wii fit is my friend at the moment

OK I wrote that a little under 2 hours ago. In the meantime Steve has been over to tell me he has a job interview, and then asked for a lift to do some shopping. I have just got back from that.

The job interview is quite a feat as he has only been looking for 2 months. Its for an assistant manager at a new Sue Ryder shop that will be opening in Kings Heath. Of course having an interview isn't the same as having a job - but clearly his CV isn't putting people off.

So I have been shopping - including laying in some treats for the inevitable trick or treaters. I dislike trick or treat - its an american holiday that has only made its way over here because we see so much american tv. I am just a bit of a Grumpy Old Woman about it to be honest. But Like so many other people I give into the gentle blackmail. Thank heavens Steve never wanted to go trick or treating. Hallow E'en was always a difficult time in our family because it was Alan's late brothers birthday - and always drove him to drink.

I sometimes wonder if a medium could ever bring David through. I never met him because he died in 1964 - but his death had a massive impact on me thanks to its effect on Alan and Edna.

But that is stupid thinking. I am feeling inspired today. I am going to do some home cooking - we have lots of fresh vegetables that I can do some wonderful stuff with. I am thinking some home made soup could be delicious - and healthy. Cooking is very therapeutic. But I do need to find some meditation time as well - and the portfolio may be a lost cause today :-(.

For a day when I intended to chill and do my own thing how come I feel I don't have enough time to do everything?????

I AM TIRED. I am SO glad its Friday and I will NEVER commit to doing a fullweek again. Sorry Little Aston. 3 days a week is my maximum for EVERYONE.

I overslept, well to be honest I was awake but couldn't get out of bed. I have meditated VERY briefly but I've made the effort, and I am blogging VERY briefly, but again I am making the effort.

I really haven't been sleeping well this week. I've had a letter from my consultant telling me my thyroxine levels are still a bit too high - which could be why my sleep has been a problem - but I don't think so. Officially I need to wait for my GP to tell me what my new doses are - but knowing what I do about my drugs I've jumped the gun and I've only taken 100mcg today. I will take 150 tomorrow which works out at 125 a day. I will ring my GP and see if I can find out what I should be on.

And my sleep problem? I suspect NOT driving 40 miles a day will solve that problem.

Next week I am going to get going with my portfolio. In fact I will work on it over the weekend. I want to focus on my hypnotherapy and reiki as much as possible. Its MUCH less stressful than Pharmacy!

I overslept yesterday - so no entry . I didn't even have time to meditate. However this morning I was up on time, and have meditated as well as eating breakfast.

I am coping OK - but BOY do I know I have done a full week. I could NOT do this on a regular basis. But I will survive this week OK I am sure about that. I will even be ok for my 4 days at ROH next week - but I am glad we don't have any events this weekend - I will need to chill!

I have kept up with drinking the water - but thats about the only positive I can say about my habits this week. I still need toe at a LOT slower. But I am getting there.

I feel so RUSHED this week and I don't like it.

Day 2 of my unusual week - and so far so good.. Work was good. It was great to have dinner cooked when I got home - but today I am organised and I have already cooked some vegetables for tonight. I am eating my breakfast as I type this. I have an hour to eat dress and meditate - and fees the one remaining cat that hasn't appeared yet. Thats the main reason I didnt do my normal thing and meditate first thing. Plus I was hungry so in true Paul McKenna fashion I am eating.

I did well for snacks yesterday - like I didn't have any biscuits. Everyone at Little Aston commented on how much weight I had lost - which is always good. Even if part of me thinks its just due to a better fitting bra, that wouldn't account for my face looking thinner - which one person commented on.

I drank water yesterday - Yay!! Must keep that up.

On the whole I am in a buoyant mood today - and I am DETERMINED to make it last

A very different week ahead

5 days work at Little Aston coming up - and that means a different routine. As I type this I have 30 minutes to eat, shower and get dressed. Bt I have meditated - and had some very insightful ideas. I woke at 6.30 with no problem having had a good nights sleep. In the last 45 minutes I have fed the cats, emptied the washing machine and done my spiritual stuff.I am now eating (cereal with kiwi fruit and fromage frais) while I make this entry and keep one of on the clock. Facebook and TV are banned!!! But as I have the dongle with credit on it I am taking the laptop to work and will use it at lunchtime.

OK eating with one eye on the clock and the other on the laptop isn't exactly giving my full attention to food - but I am chewing each mouthful slowly - slower than I have done for a while at any rate. And yesterday I drank more water than I have done for some time. Slow eating and more water are two habits I really REALLY need to get into, Since exercise is off the agenda this week (unless I turn on the wii fit when I get home?) I need to focus on what I am eating rather than what I am using.

Tony surprised me last night. As we were on the way home from Gill and Darren's I reminded him I wouldn't be home until 6 all this week and he said he would start raiding the freezer about 5.15 to get dinner ready. I wasn't expecting that at all.

This week I may well have a new hypnotherapy client from Little Aston. Exciting!!! I must take my cards and certificates in with me.

I can't finish the cereal - so the remainder will get packed in a plastic box and taken to work for me to eat in a bit. It feel like a good start to what I think will be a good week

So the laptop issue has been resolved. there was nothing wrong with the laptop so I gritted my teeth and rang Sky customer support. the nice man in the asian call centre was very patient - and even resorted to calling me back when he relaised it was going to take some time. Steve showed up at just the right time to solve the problem of how to connect the laptop via a cable. At the end of an hour after my nice little man in India had talked me through various things that seemed to have no effect suddenly I was back on line again. So although it hasn't been resolved the way I expected 'it has been resolved ; even though no-one has a clue what was wrong. Thats computers for you

Anyway I also took the chance to have my feet done at Happy Feet again so the trip to town was not wasted by an means.

Throw in a quick trip round Sainsbury and I had a busy few hours - and don't I know it. I am very happy to just chill with mindless tv and the laptop. I am definitely still not totally clear of the lurgy My priority is I MUST be OK for work on Monday - and I am confident I will be.

I am doing battle with the lurgy again. I sould have realised when I felt I needed to use the car to get to work. I ended up leaving work at lunchtime - and am not going in today.

I MUST be fit for next week at Little Aston - and I will be fit. The work at LA is much less stressful than at ROH. I am sitting down most of the day and it is much slower paced, much less walking, and much less pressure. I actively WANT to go to Little Aston. Plus I can see possibilities for getting hypnotherapy and reiki clients via Little Aston.

I have told Emmeline I am NOT working more than 3 days a week in future. I can't do it.

Interestingly in my meditation yesterday morning I saw Jonas and he led to sit down on the bench in my glade - and I got the idea he was advising me to take things easy. I didn't remember that until after I got home from work yesterday.

What mistake did I make to end up in this situation? I let ROH talk me into booking more days than I really wanted to do. I overestimated my ability to recover from the lurgy. I underestimated the physical stresses of working at ROH.

Basically I overestimated my physical capacity to do things. I AM nearly 60, I HAVE had cancer and surgery this year.

I have been focussing so much on 'moving my body' to get healthy. I need to turn my focus from that to what I eat. That means dealing with my snack habit. Can I use self hypnosis for this? Of course I can. I just need to work out what images to use.

Time to put my thinking cap on

I have one word to say today - blyurghhh. Thats how I feel. Yesterday was more tiring than I thought it should be. I am thinking the lurgy still has me in its grip. So I reckon I could be using the car to get to work today.

On the plus side I have discovered I can pay 112.00 pcm to have a weekly 4 hour slot at Nicks. 3 patients a month and I've covered the fees. It looks like a no brainer - but I'm scared to commit. However I MUST commit if I am ever going to get anywhere.

But I am coming to the realisation that I really CANNOT work 4 days a week at ROH without making myself ill. I need to tell them ....... somehow

Today has started well. I slept well, I am up in time to do everything. I have meditated - and I have the prospect of a good day at the hospice - including one hypnotherapy referral.

Work post lurgy has been tougher than I thought it would - it has re-enforced the idea that 2 days a week is my ideal situation. I need to warn ROH that from the New Year that is what I want to do

I don;t really have any stunning wisdom for this blog post if I am honest. I am blogging simply to keep myself focussed on what is important I think.

My main concern seems to be my health. Not moving to a healthier lifestyle/ weight - but my day to day health. That bug has hit me hard. I need to focus on things that are NOT good for my day to day health - and increasingly ROH is a source of bad health. Do I need them at all? Is thw ork they offer a safety net that is keeping from committing to my other work properly? This was something that got discussed on LV the other day. Maybe I need to take my own advice. I need to review what being a registered pharmacist does for me and why I am clinging to it.

Now THAT is a turn of thought I was NOT expecting in this blog post.

Back to work

Today I am going back to work. I still have a cough - but I feel much better than I did. And the strange this despite a busy weekend with a ghost hunt and a trip to Wolverhampton - and too little sleep if I am honest- I feel able to cope with a full week.

Yesterday I did 20 minutes on the wii fit and clocked up nearly 2400 steps - which is the target for 30 minutes. And I didn't feel as if I was pushing it. The prospect of the walk to work is not daunting this morning I am happy to say. In fact I am looking forward to having some regular exercise in my life again. Being ill really sucks.

I have told Tony to nag me about doing at least an hour on my portfolio each day. I WILL get it done and submitted by the end of the year.

Last night we were at Wolverhampton - and it turned into a snack fest. I AM going to deal with my snacking.

I have made my lunch (sandwiches and fruit). I have meditated, but haven't had breakfast yet. However it is only 7.35.I have plenty of time provided I don't get distracted by the laptop or the TV.

One of my cards today was the Knight of Pentacles - slow and steady progress. That feels right for my situation at the moment - and I feel is a good omen that I am on the right path -in all sorts of way.

Wow - what is this unaccustomed sensation? Oh yes - its me being able to breathe through my nose most of the time. I think I am getting better. In fact I KNOW I am getting better. I'm not going to work today - but the walk through the park would be enjoyable not a chore.

I am still tired, still got a cough, and am still sniffing lots - but I am on the mend. In fact I think I will use the wiifit today.

So the plan today is some gentle exercise (20 minutes) maybe do some work on my portfolio, maybe go back to the garage and decide if I AM going to buy a new car. But I WILL sort out the documents that are needed for the registry office to confirm we are who we say we are, and are NOT married to anyone else so we can book our wedding. The plan is that we celebrate my 60th birthday next year by getting married.

Tonight I at least will pop over to Dudley to a 'business meeting' for spiritual/holistic workers to network and get cards out there. I hope Tony will come with me. I've also had another offer to take some cards so the word is getting out there. I have also had some business cards done just for me, just for the reiki and hypnotherapy. I reckon I can leave those in places like doctors and dentists where I wouldn't want to even HINT at the readings and mediumship side of things!

Well I can't just sit here all day - I've got things to do . You have NO idea how good it is to feel some motivation back at last!!!!

I have been feeling rather poorly this week. I have caught Tony's cold . So I haven't been doing much of anything apart from resting. I tried 10 minutes on the wii fit 2 days ago - and it knackered me. Yesterday I walked to the post box and back - a round trip of just over 600 steps (I counted my steps one way) and it knackered me. The mere thought of the walk across the park to work fills me with horror. My legs just don't want to hold me. So I have to accept my limitations. However I also don't have a huge appetite so I guess it all works out. Frankly I need to focus on getting fit enough to go back to work next week - and anything else is unimportant. Normal service will be resumed NEXT week

I had my first hypnotherapy client yesterday. And I may have 2 more hypnotherapy clients and one reiki client. And today I am going to the college for a CPD day.

I have lost some weight !. I stepped on the scales yesterday and I have lost another one and a half pounds. And that knowledge gave me the impetus to resist biscuits last night. Mind you I spent a fair portion of the evening in the treatment room with my patient.

I have also remembered by certificates are only valid for 6 months - so I need to get a m,ove on with the portfoilio. I am off on Tuesday so I will make a start then

Things feel good. But I know I am facing a day of temptation with the biscuits at the college. I think some cereal bars in my bag may be a good idea.

But on the whole things STILL feel good :-)

I have been very productive this morning. As well as the normal kitchen sort out, I tidied the living room . I have a client coming for hypnotherapy and while she will only be passing through the living room, I want to make a reasonable impression on her. So the floor by the bookcase is clearer, and the coffee table has a visible top to it,

The area round the pc is still pretty um........ chaotic is the best word I think.

OK so how am I feeling this morning? Well I am hungry - so I am eating breakfast as I type this. This is good because I eat slowly, but bad because I am not giving the food my full attention, But it is very nice. One weetabix with a kiwi fruit and fromage frais. I am so glad I found fromage frais. Its much healthier than yoghurt.

The weather has turned very autumny over the past 24 hours - and a complete contrast to the heatwave we had on Monday and Tuesday. It isn't raining - but it has been - and more rain is forecast. It is going to take discipline to walk in future I think. But at current petrol prices, using the car would be ridiculously expensive for a drive of less than a mile. And the parking problems at the other end are ridiculous. So I am sure I will be good and walk - even in the snow.

I am full of plans. Plans for running a weight loss group session, plans for getting in touch with DAT's, plans to contact local surgeries to see if having a tame hypnotherapist is something they would like. And the bid one - plans to book a room at the college and see how much work I can get.

I can enquire about that one tomorrow.


I haven't stepped on the scales - or used the wii fit for days. Part of me wants to, the other part of me is scared t incase I have put on weight. But I know if I am sensible about what I do I WILL be losing weight . I need to work on not eating when I am NOT really hungry. Biscuits and coffee in the evenings are very nice. I must think about why I feel I need biscuits. If I wasn't eating biscuits I would be really confident about my eating.

I must dash or I will be late to work. I have 35 minutes to meditate shower dress and get out - and I haven't made my lunch yet. Time to stop talking and start doing!

I have a new accountant - I met her and finalised the details last night. I am going to wind up "Sally Haynes Ltd' I only created it because the agencies gave me no option. So form mow on 'Krystal Wolf Holisitc Care' will take all our income from spiritual work and hypnotherapy - plus my occasional locums at Little Aston.

AND and and and .........I have a real live hypnotherapy client as a result of the psychic fair on Saturday. She heasn't baulked at the fee I quoted.

So despite oversleeping this morning I am in a very upbeat mood. I only have one reiki referal at the hospice - and a home visit to boot so my table will get used.

I feel tired and achey - there is no doubt work at the hospital is very tiring. But today is hospice day which is always good.

I feel slightly hungry so I will eat. I really need to meditate before I go out - but I a, not sure I will have time. My discipline is slipping - and I must NOT let it

Yesterday was back to the grindstone with the hospital - and it was VERY busy. I didn't leave till 4.45. As I walked to work, and walked a lot round the hospital I can certainly say I 'moved my body'

I only ate one of my sandwiches at lunchtime. I wasn't hungry for the other one. But I did eat it later when I was hungry. I also went for a walk round the outside of the hospital . I decided it would help me clear my head. Also we are approaching the time when I hardly see daylight. So if I can get inot the habit of taking a stroll outside at lunch it will be good for me in so many ways. I tried that tactic at Russels Hall - but it felt awkward because I didn't have a badge and always had to wait to be let into the department

I have bene thinking about the group 'weight loss' session I am hoping to do. Trying to think about the most common mistakes people trying to lose weight make. I think it has to be eating when they are not hungry, and not really listening to want their body is telling them it wants. Now is that because those are MY main mistakes? I know I want to therapise myself too but I must be careful to listen to what my clients tell me as well.

I need to design a questionnaire for such clients to fill in. I also found myself wondering how much Sarah would charge for me to use that downstairs room at her Bournville salon. Its great feeling creative.

So I am feelign upbeat - but rather achey this morning. I am hungry so I will eat in a bit, then all I have to do is my meditation and then get ready for work. O have just over an hour to get it all done. Its all such a rush at the moment. But it feels like a good rush.

Changes changes

This blog isn't JUST about weight loss and a journey to a healthier lifestyle - it is also about me managing the changes in my life . When I started it, it was in response to to the trauma caused by Alan's death. I was still in full time work at the hospital - and hadn't even HEARD of reiki.

If I had been told then where I would be NOW, I would have laughed and assumed it was all a huge joke. But here I am over 3 years later, a reiki practitioner, hypnotherapist, psychic reader, developing medium, and a locum pharmacist. I have also survived a REAL cancer problem, as opposed to the low level false alarm I had at the start of my year of two thousand and hate.

For the first time I have a realistic chance to earn money doing something else apart from pharmacy. And yesterday I had an amazing experience when I did a favor for the organisers of the psychic fayre. One of their regular clients was very distressed, had a horrendous headache, and Karl asked if I would give her some reiki. I did, I also gave her the benefit of my counseling skills, and advised her she could do with some regular counseling to help her sort herself out. By the end of 15 minutes she was much calmer, her headache had gone, and she was asking for my card so she can make an appointment with me for some more reiki and/or maybe some hypnotherapy to help her with her problems.

That has shown me I AM on the right course. I needed ALL my skills to help her, including my pharmacy skills as she is on anti-depressants. And strangely I am going on a CPD course on Friday all about hypnotherapy with mental health issues. So if she DOES feel hypnotherapy would be useful, I will be more confident about NOT causing problems because of her mental health issues.

Of course she may never ring up - but there is a realistic chance she will. Also Shaz ha said she has been considering hypnotherapy - so she is an almost guaranteed client if she goes ahead.

So there are a number of signs I am in for some changes in my life again - but this time they are planned, managed and WANTED.

I haven't been a disciplined as I should be last week with exercise, eating or with my HPD portfolio. But next week I am back to work - that always makes more disciplined.

But I have seen things that make me realise I have absorbed Paul's golden rules. Last night at dinner I couldn't finish my main course. And I didn't even think about a full english breakfast at the hotel. I wouldn't have enjoyed it.

So I am thinking much more about my eating decisions. And I have a chance to do some hypnotherapy with people who want to lose weight. So I know that will help me focus on my own eating issues.

I am very tired this morning. I didn;t sleep well last night and I am not sure why. I suspect its becasue I am not doing the amount of exercise I normally do. I am thinking tomorrow I will have a spell in the gym either before or after work tomorrow morning.

After going over our portfolios with Clare, I feel a lot better. I can now see what I need to do. I am confident I can get it all done ready for second submission - and have to only tweak it for 3rd submission.

I treated myself yesterday. I got my feet nibbled. I went to mooch around the Pallasades before Clarre arrived. I did some Christmas shopping - and found a lovely place called Happy Feet. 35 minutes for 20 minutes. 2 more treatments like that and I will be entitled to 15 minutes free - and its easier to get to than Feet retreat. I must drag Maggiue there.

So I am sitting here feeling tired - but optimistic. I know I have a patient at the hopsice - but I was so late getting up I really have to rush if I am going to meditate and shower before I go out - and I haven't had breakfast yet.

I really REALLY need to get to the roots of why I am not sleeping. I need time in the mornings - and this morning I haven't got it. But as ever blogging has enabled me to pinpoint the problem by helping me clear my thoughts

So here I sit this morning eating my very healthy breakfast of kiwi fruit, bran flakes and and fromage frais. I am looking back at yesterday with mixed feelings

Food was mixed/ I did bacon bagels for breakfast. But I did them as a treat for both of us. I wasn't hungry when I woke up, but by the time Tony woke up I was - and bagels really appealed to me. And to be honest yesterday morning we were both still zonked from the psychic fayre. We needed and enjoyed the treat. And I really DID need to use up stuff from the freezer. I WILL defrost it this week!

Exercise was non existent - unless you count the bits and peices of housework like saorting out the laundry and cooking. I looked at the wii fit - and decided I was WAY too tired. I really MUST do something different next weekend in Alcester. We are doing an all day fayre then helping on an investigation in the evening. We've booked a hotel to stay overnight as I will be in NO state to drive back after all that. I even know what I need to do I think. I must drink some water between each reading to help me ground myself. And it won't do my health any harm either. Its the universes constant message to me., DRINK MORE WATER

I did put in an hour on my portfoilio - and have realised what my major fault was. I am not putting in enough detail. I am making my usual error of assuming something is so obvious I don't need to say it. The assessor is looking for proof that I know HOW to do things not just WHAT I should be doing.

Today I am meeting Claire if all goes to plan. So I will be walking, and I have just done some cleaning in the kitchen. Literally down on my knees scrubbing really dirty parts of the floor. I have also given the whole kitchen a good clean - even cleaning the inside of the microwave. So I am 'moving my body' well today. And if I can keep on track with my food choices I will be a very happy person.

Today feels like a good day

Its monday, the day after the psychic fayre and the first day of my week off (apart from Thursday morning that is)

I am determined I am going to make good use of this week. I have already started on getting banking and accounts sorted out, and am now waiting for other people to contact me to take it to he next stage.

I am still on a high from yesterday, looking forward to next weekend, and have just arranged for Tony and I to do readings at the ghost hunt at the Station Hotel in November.

I must make progress this week on my portfolio - and I must must MUST fit in some exercise on the wii fit or kinect

I've had a rather 'off' week. I felt poorly a lot of the time. But today feels like a new start. We are at the psychic fayre today. I have a week off next week ( well all bar Thursday morning) And we are at another fayre NEXT Saturday too. This could be a start for Krystal Wolf!!

I had melon for breakfast this morning. I am about to have a bath, meditate and get ready for the fayre.

Next week I will put in some serious work on my portfolio. I am going to make progress with my gaols

I am feeling more positive today. It is 7.50 and I am up, have meditated, showered and dressed, and am now blogging. I haven't eaten yet. I am not sure I am hungry or what I fancy, My munch is ready in my bag for me to take to work,

I know things have gone off track this week - but I really haven't been feeling that well. I am getting over it - and next week when I am off work I will get back on track again,

I am really looking forward to the psychic fayre on Sunday and that is what is keeping me going at the moment.

I am very blearily getting on with things this morning despite feeling yuck. Having come form work early on Tuesday, I was relieved when Jean rang to cancel my session at the hopsice due to a lack of patients. So I spent yesterday in my peejays all day and din;t really do anything. Nothing physical mental or spiritual.

However this morning I have gone through the motions spiritually - but thats about as far as I would go. I have also sorted out the kitchen, put some laundry in and still haven't put the tv on. I have about an hour and twenty minutes to blog, eat, shower and dress.

I am doing too much. I need to lay down the law at the hospital about the hours I do. I am starting at 9 intead of 10 so my default time leave must be 3 not 4, Well I will try,

Next week I am not working at all except they really do need me for a half day on Thursday. I am actualy quite pleased i ine way that the Alcester Ghost festival has been cut back due to Karl and Sha'z problems. So we are only needed on the Saturday. I can cope with that. And from then till the end of the year I am working 3 days a week for half the time, 4 days the other half and I have one 5 day week at Little Aston - but that is a doddlle - almost like a holiday. So I think I will be Ok until the end of the year

I have shocked myself by how physically tiring I am finding things in a way.

I need to get started on my HPD work if I am to stick to my goal. When I get home I WILL put in a couple of hours each night.

My diet has been dire over the past couple of days. And this morning I am sitting here wondering what I want to eat - and not being sure. I am hungry - but not massively so. Today I will get back on track with food.

Yesterday was a strange mix of good and bad. I walked to work then did 10 minutes on the treadmill before I started.We were down to a skeleton crew but luckily the hospital was quiet so we coped well. But I have managed to lose my mobile, and last night I ended up snacking on chocolate brownie bites last night.

Steve popped in to tell us about his first visit to the job centre, and he wasn't feeling well. I am now not feeling well either so I am wondering if I have caught it from him.

This morning I feel TIRED and I ache . My eyes are a bit watery, I have the beginnings of a headache and I although I feel hungry I don't really fancy anything. I have a couple of slices of toast in front of me which I don't think I am going to finish.

The ache could be from the treadmill. The other symptoms could be my imagination looking for an excuse not to go to work. But the tiredness is very real. I have been pushing myself over the past month. I think I am doing too much.

So do I go to work or not? My instincts are to stay home - but I am concerned my desire to stay home, and all the symptoms prompting me to stay home, are psychological rather than physical.

I have done my spiritual exercises this morning. I did the same as yesterday and did them before I did anything else. The card I picked was 2 of swords - a conflict. Well I do have an internal conflict this morning.