I was really chilled about Christmas, christmas cooking and all the preparations for the big day. I decided if if we hadn't got it we didn't need it. And if it wasn't done it didn't matter. Dinner got perfectly cooked, with nothing forgotten or burned. Triumph!!! The only slight fly in the ointment is I seem to have a slight cold. Nothing too bad tho. So here I sit half way between celebrations, contemplating the reality of life in 2012, feeling fat. feeling really RALLY fat in a way that only someone who struggles with their weight will understand. But amazingly still positive! I don't feel a failure, I don't feel I am bad person, I am just trying to work out how to get on top of the issue in a sensible way. I haven't jumped on the scale I have NO plans to go 'on a diet' I am thinking about how to increase my exercise. I did 30 minutes step aerobics on the wii fit yesterday much to my surprise. And I am thinking about fitting the treadmill at work into my routines more - for running not walking. It would mean leaving home half an earlier( or leaving work half an hour later which isn't an option at this time of year) Maybe fitting in the gym on the days I DON'T work at the hospital would be more useful. After all I do 'move my body' quite a lot on hospital days already. Back to my thoughts on how to stop feeling fat. I am sitting here looking at 3 bowls of fruit and thinking I need to detox with a fresh fruit and water for a day or two before New Years Eve. I am actually hungry so I have grabbed a banana and a satsuma for breakfast. The trouble is bananas last less than a minute . Eating slowly isn't really an option. And I know when I've eaten both pieces of fruit I will still feel hungry. Eating a satsuma slowly is easier. And I am enjoying it. But was the fruit really what I WANTED to eat? OR since Paul's method hasn't been a spectacular success for me, am I being an idiot for trying the same thing and expecting different results? How motivated am I REALLY to lose weight? And why? Now there's an interesting couple of questions. Maybe I need a good therapist to help me sort out my thoughts! Or maybe I just need to look inside me for the answers. I never expected this entry to be so deep and thoughtful. i thought it was going to be an upbeat entry on the plans I was making to exercise more. It isn't downbeat by any means. i do feel optimistic. I do feel in control- but optimistic about what? And in control of what? I guess the answer to that is I feel in control of my life - and ultimately that is the most important thing.