Another scorcher

I did sort of get myself sorted out yesterday.

I did go for a walk and I used the wii fit yesterday evening for 10 minutes free stepping.

Food sort of went OK ish - but not brilliant. I did start to get a handle on the emotional issues (the 'head' stuff lol) I am being foolishly worried about how things are going to work out with Steve so close. I am being ridiculous and I have realised that now. I am also worried about Edna - bt I can't really do a lot to help her except keep in touch either by phone or visit. I will probably go and visit her tonight after work. I am also worried about Tony's nephew having finally met his fiancee. No he didnt give me the money he owed. he didnt even mention it. Neither Tony nor I took to her and Tony feels she has Steve under her thumb. Whats worrying me isnt Steve but the efect on Carol (his Mum) and Tony if they stay together. It woerd becasue I should have things in common with Emma. Motherhood, spirituality (she is into druidism as is Carol) and of course Steve. I tried to like her but couldnt. Steve suggested they might come over to see us one day. I sent a 'thanks for the hospitality' message via facebook when we got home. I said they were welcome and when they came over maybe Steve could sort out the money he owes me. It was implicit - no money no visit. So far no reply - and I'm not holdoig my breath waiting for a reply. Tony is very hurt by his behaviour.

My other worry is my car which is playing up. I cannot be wothout a car - but fonding time to buy a new one is proving tricky. I nearly bought one on Sunday but it just didnt have the 'wow' feel about it so I didnt call them back to confirm the deal. I dont know what it was that put me off but something made me feel it wasnt the car for me. I pass a couple of garages on my way to work so I'll stop off and take a look at what they have on offer.

So I am getting my emotions under control. We noe have the house improvmenets going on again and two lovely new doors on the ktichen and downstairs toilet.

I didnt sleep well last night - but given the heat last noght I wont be alone. I listened to Tony Stockwell this morning and am practicing his excercises hoping to improve my meditatation technique.

I have had breakfast - which I managed to eat fairly slowly even though I woke hungry.

I am going to go for a walk in a bit.

I am still focussing on keeping myself healthy - which is the key to coping with lifes little problems.

I dont hate my life any more - that was only a momentary burst of depression. I dont think I am coming down with anything. I did feel a bit 'coldish' over the weekend but it has passed now. I was able to sit down part of the time at work and I made regular trips to the staff room for water to keep myself hydrated. I know I am quite dry though. Anyway time a drink and then out for a walk. I am lucky the park is so close.

Coping in the heat

The met office have issued a warning about the heatwave we are going to have over the next few days. Luckily it isnt going to be as hot here as in the southeast. We are expecting temperatures of 25 and 26. In London its going to be in the 30's.

I am wondering how this is going to affect me at work. Trying to strike the balance between clothes suitable for work and suitable for the heat is tricky. I know I am going to have to vanish for lots of water breaks. I hope they dont mind.

I already feel very lethargic this morning. I didnt sleep brilliantly, and I ache. Last night I decided I eeded to do some exercise so put on 20 minutes on the Wii fit ftreestepping. It was hseer willpower that got me through the last 5 minutesd. My legs felt very odd indeed and I was really sweating. I could really do with a swim in this heat.

Food fell apart last night although I had done OK till the evening. The emotional hunger never really went away yesterday, and I think its still with me today - although I am physically as well so I will go and make myself some breakfast

Muesli with strawberries and yoghurt - sweetend with some sugar. Yum. And my drink this mornig is green lemon tea. Steve has been drinking green tea so I am experimenting with it as well. I am hoping it will give me a bit of a lift better than the caffeine in my normal morning coffee does.

I dealt with the emotional hunger yesterday by kick starting my spiritual batteries by going to church before I went to see Edna. I've recorded my feelings about the visit in the other blog. The only Edna issue I will raise here and now is my concern about she will cope in this heat and whether she will drink enough.

Two paragraphs later and my breakfast is finished - and I still feel hungry. Some of it could be thirst as I do feel very dry. This is not a good start to the day. Ggggrrrrrrrr.

I think the heat is addling my brains. I can't work out what the roblem is or what to do. I dont really want to do anything - but if I dont go to work I know I wont fgeel any better. In fact I will feel worse because I will be worried about what work think about me not me turning and worried about the money I will be losing.

Right now I agree with one of my son's sayings when things are going wrong. 'I hate my life'

Sunday morning

Its 7.00am and I am already up thanks to the cats. I was very hungry when I woke up so I dont mind getting up. I thought about what I fancied for breakfast and so I sit eating toasted waffles with a banana. Trying to eat it slowly and managing better with that today than I did yesterday.

I didnt eat a lot yesterday but what I did eat I didnt eat slowly enough. I am Ia te what I wanted though, and I certainly 'moved my body' I walked to Selly Oak to do some shopping- including looking for a new car - and got the bus back. I walked over 2 miles most of it uphill.

Last night I didnt feel well and since I know I have been in contact with contacts of flu patients paranoia immediately made me worry I was coming down with flu. The disease is officially uncontttoilable in Birmingham so its not impossible. But this morning after a reasonable nights sleep I feel much better. I dont think I would feel this hungry if I had flu, So Ithink last night I was feeling the effects of the walk and all the running around I have been doing recently. I cant even relax today. I have to go and see Edna and then later we are going to see Tony's nephew Steve and his new fiancee Emma. This relationship is the subject of much controversy and has led Steve to behave in a very erratic manner. Tony is angry with him and I'm not mucb better becasue he still owes me 40.00 that he should have paid me in January. This invitation from him is the first sign in months that he still thinks we are relevant in his life. I just hope it goes off OK.

I still ache a lot this morning. I'm not going to do anything physical until later in the day. It isnt my body that needs attention at the moment its my soul. I've realised the hunger I felt was mainly emotional becasue I have eaten my waffles fairly slowly and I still feel ravenously hungry.

I havent done my meditation recently, and I havent listened to any trance tracks of any kind for a couple of days. Mind you blogging is a kind of meditation and I have certainly been doing that. But I dont think it is enough.

Ihave been concentrating very much on the physical recently with all the walking. I need to get the balnce betterbetween physical and mental.

8 weeks until Tony and I go away for our weekend. I think I need a break before then so I will find out when it would be convenient for me to have a couple of days off work. I might take the day before or after Edna's case conference.

Morning after the night before

While you work to be a spark for your loved ones, don't forget that your light is only as strong as the fuel you supply it with. That means food. Good food. Eating plenty and eating right keep that flame from dying out. When you're at the top of your game, your body uses up nutrients as fast as you can put them in. Starving yourself, even for a little while, takes your flame down a notch or two and is a very bad idea for your health. And without real nutritional value, junk food is just as useless as no food at all. A healthy, balanced diet is like a constant power boost for your pregnancy. Replenish your energy before you wear out, and your fire will burn brighter and brighter every day.

The above reflection is an interesting one for me. It re-inforces the neccesity to make sure I eat healthily and eat enough. OK not everyone does want to a 'spark' for their loved ones - at least not conciosuly. But any carer - and that is what I am - does.

I went to a hen party last night. Half a bottle of red wine .pizza and nibbles LOTS of nibbles. I think I can say I didnt stick to the rules well yesterday. But in retrospect I didnt eat anywhere NEAR as much as I would have done before. I only had 3 slices of pizza. I was by far the oldest person there by at least 10 years - but I was actually a lot slimmer than some of the others. That dfid make me feel good. I wore the red dress Tony likes - and when I looked at my reflection the wirght loss was obvious.

Its 8.15 on a grey Saturday morning and I am up becasue the cats wouldnt let me stay in ned any longer and becasue I do have things to do today. I may go and buy a new car today. I am wondering about going out for a walk this morning. I may jjst walk to Selly Oak intead and kill two birfs with one stone. Do the shopping, get the excerciser and save the planet by not using the car!!

I do not feel the slightest bit hungry at the moment so breakfast is NOT on my agenda at the moment. But I am very thirsty. Apple juice and coffee so far and I am sure some more apple juice will be consumed before I go out.

I havent dealt with the strange emotions yet. I need time to sort it out.

Very sluggish

I had a bad nights sleep last night, and this morning I feel totally 'blah' Tired, stiff and achy. I probably should just go out and do my walk to loosen up but cant at the moment. So I ma sitting here tv on with a cup of coffee blogging.

Steve is now officially living at his new house :-) He (and Judy!) slept there last night and all his stuff is now out of Warwards lane. Thats one reason why I feel tired and achy. We had to load the car at Warwards then unload it at Chedworth. And then we had to go shopping so they had some food in. The shopping trip had been on the agenda anyway as they asked me if I could take them to Sainsbury before common sense (and Judy) persuaded him that as I was offerring to move him last night instead of Saturday. It means he has his first official days in the house with Judy rather than on his own or with Phil (one of his freinds who will move in over the weekend)

Its very starnge. Even though he is living closer now than he has for 2 yearss, I feel a sense of grief. Its almost like empty nest syndrome again. I need to work out why becasue it makes no sense. But something is trying to tell me something.

I hardly had time to eat yesterday so food went well as did moving my body. Didnt drink as much as I should have done though.

I have decided I am going to go out for a walk. The coffee seems to have revived me - and I need to get away from the wall-to-wall coverage of Micheal Jacksons death. I do feel for the fans - but I wasn't a fan and all this is bringing my cynical side out. I wonder if his 'comeback' concerts would have been a true comeback or been a terrific disappointment to the fans who paid astonomical sums of money for tickets? . We will now never know - and his legendary status is now totally assured................

Later

Taking two steps forward

Slow and steady has not always been an inspiring concept. It's not as sexy as speed and sharp turns of direction. But it may be just the thing to keep you from running out of gas, while still moving you forward. Abe is telling us that the most important thing is to keep walking forward, no matter how slowly. Sometimes slowness can be frustrating. You might become impatient; you might get discouraged with a setback. But a setback doesn't have to set you back. Simply using it as a learning opportunity can leapfrog you ahead again. From now on, try paying attention more to your direction and less to your speed. Be patient, focus on a little bit at a time, and soon enough, you'll be further than you ever thought. Besides, it's a good bet that by always looking forward, Abe rarely looked back in regret.

The Sparkpeople reflection spoke to me today very personally. It affirms that my slow steady approach is valid.

I went for a walk - the same route as yesterday plus walking round the lake. It took me about 20 minutes and I enjoyed it very much. I do feel less stiff now. I think I have also identified the emotions I am feeling about Steve moving in. It is fear that it wont work out. I dont know how I would cope if he was living that close but we fell out.

I also think I have identified why my food management is great first thing but falls apart later. First thing in the day I am in total control of everything. It is total 'me' time. Later on in the day I have so many competing prioroties I lose 'me' under the pharmacist, the wife ,the mother, the carer, the friend etc etc. My FB status some weeks ago stated that I needn't some help with time management. I still think I need to work on that.

Getting back into a routine

Part of being a good leader and good example is holding people accountable to their promises. To reach your goals, you need to be a strong leader of yourself. That means making sure you live up to the promises you made to yourself and to others. Your goals are important to you. They'll also require some work. If you could put one person in charge of your most personal, most precious goals, would you hire someone who looks for the easy way out or just talks a good game? Or would you entrust them to the person who willingly takes action and does whatever is needed to make it happen? You can handle the job. Prove yourself trustworthy by showing up every day with your sleeves rolled up.

I really like that reflection from Sparkpeople. I have had to work hard to get to where I am from where I started 3 years ago. And even even when you look at how far I have come since I started this blog nearly a year ago. I just checked and my frst entry was 30th June last year. Wow. Doesnt time fly. But it hasnt happened easily, it has needed determination and effort from me.

Yesterday went well with food, and excercise. Howver my idealistic thought yetsreday of taking a walk/jog every morning doesnt look as if it is ging to happen. I may surrpise myself tho.

I am very tired and achy after all yesterdays work. Cleaning furniture and fitings that haven't been cleaned in years is hard work. But It was worth it. I was particularly proud of the way the windowsill in the living room came up. Shifting the rubbish was hard even tho Steve did most of the legwork. But the most staisfying and turing thing was breaking up the old drawer table that had been cluttering uo my garage for months. We c,eared a lot of rubbish out of our garage as well as out of Steve's.

Jim is back as well so I know the bits of work that need finishing will get done so the end really IS in sight to all the work and the end result will be a house that is much closer to how I would like it to be as regards decoration. Hoorah!

I have done a short work out this morning. I have eaten breakfast fairly slowly -but not left any. I have done myself an interesting lunch (sandwiches and fresh fruit salad) I could just take fruit - but a fruit salad is much more interesting to eat - and I know the key is to have interesting food.
Also I can take fruit in a salad that I couldnt take as whole e.g. Kiwi fruit and pineapple. Its amazing how even an ordinary apple is nicer and tastier chopped up as part of a salad or in breakfast cereal. Time psent in food preparation is NOT wasted. I am standing and moving, I am using my brain to think of how to prepare the food, and the food tastes much nicer so is easier to eat slowly. It certainly helps me to stick to the 'Eat what you really want' rule.

So after yesterdays day off I am back at work today - and quite looking forward to it if I am honest. I do enjoy RHH - but would still prefer work nearer to home. I wonder if I should contact Emmily to let her know when I will be available again?

Later.

I emailed Emily - but she is on leave today so I wont get a quick answer. I never get quick replies from Emily anyway!

I also surprised myself. I DID go for a walk, and combined it with listening to some of my meditation music. I think it is called killing two birds with one stone. I was out for 20 minutes and I walked to the park down to the stream, across the bridge then over to the other bridge and walked out back out then took the long route home (turning left on Corvedale rather than right which is the direct way home. I have seen a track called walking meditation (and even one called running meditation!) so I may download that to my MP3 player and use that instead. 4 tracks worth of walking cant be bad though. I will try to stick to this - but I am not going to make extravagant claims about doingit every day. When its cold and wet I am sure the prospect will be much less appealing. But I did it today - and I feel good as a result.

I am sure the meditation time is helping in all sorts of ways. I know it wont work for everyone - but it works for me and that is all I care about. The whole idea of theis blog is to give my experiences in the hope that others may benfit or get other ideas about how they can manage their weight and personal issues. If there are any other readers apart from Sharon a) can you introduce yourself and b) please feel free to take what you wish from my experiences. And give me your experiences - If I had all the answers I would a be svelte size 12 instead of a curvey size 18!!

A day off

I ma helping Steve with things to do with his house - inlcuign soem cleaning and rubbish removal. So the Wii fit is staying off at the moment. After a an off the cuff comment on Sharon's blog - I am actually seriously considering includinh jogging in th epark in the fitness activiites. I cant beleive it - but on a lovlet sunny day the idea does appeal.

Food went OK yesterday. The visit to Edna went as OK as I culd have expected. Yesterday I had to have my lunch early before I was really hungry so I only ate one of my sandwiches. I ate the other on the way to Moseley. So I wasnt hungry when Tony had his salad - and made myself a sausage sandwich a bit later. With a side serving of tortilla chips. A couple of biscuits also crept in. So I feel I followed the rules pretty well yesterday. Ate what I want, stopped when I wasnt hungry any more.

This morning I did myself some breakfast and more than half of it is sitting in the bowl uneaten. I'm not hungry any more.

I always feel much more in control of food first thing in the morning. If I could work out why, I could be in control later in the day which is normally when it all goes wrong.

Something for me to think about.

Judy is coming up today - much to Steve's delight. She is a lovely girl. I made a passing comment that I would like to see Hairspray. She has it on DVD and she is bringing up her copy for me to borrow. I dont feel jealous of her place in Steve's life - I am secure enough in our relationship to know that it would take something cataclysmic to shatter our bond. And the moral of this tale is to let your kids go. It isnt easy to do and it hurts like hell. Empty nest syndrome was dreadful for a week. But because I was able to do that, we are friends more than mother and son.

I think I can tick ' parenting' as something I have succeeded at. Interesting that I think I have suceeded by good communication with him. And communication is something else I am good at. It gives me the hope that I will find the way to communicate with Edna.

30 minutes later

I have been out for a walk - just round the block. I tried some running but my knees just dont like it at the moment. My knees - especially my left knee - are not happy at the moment. But I feel good for being out in the fresh air and sunshine. And I am now hungry and finishing my breakfast. Because I am hunrry I have finished it rather faster than I should have done. But maybe that was because toast was what I fancied -but I went for the easier option of not wasting food.

Another plus point was I looked at myself in the mirror while I weas washing and noticed I have a definite waist. I reckon that counts as doing the mirror excercise!!

Could do better

The classic put down on school reports. Maybe I am being harsh in applying that to myself but that is my feeling about yesterday.

It all started well - but went down hill rapidly. Work did not go well. I made some silly mistakes - nothing serious but annoying all the same. But the lunch cover didnt work out the wau it normally does and despite everyones best intentions I didnt get a break until 2.00pm. So much for eating when you are hungry! I didnt eat lunch as slowly as I should have done and that kind of set the pattern for the rest of the day as far as food went.

And I was too tired to do anything that even resembled excercise when I got home.

I cheered myself up by booking a hotel for the Pendle Hill ghost hunt. We are making a weekeknd of it driving up on the Friday and back on the Monday. We need a break and deserve a treat.

I have changed my meditative listening. I bought a CD at Tony Stockwell's show that is designed to help train you to release your psychic power and I am working through that. It is spooky how some of his words and phrases link back to phrases Paul and Kelly and other meditation tracks I have listened to have used. I take the recurring themes as a signal that I am on the right track. Whether I end up with a 'psychic ability' or not I am certain this study is important for the care of my inner self.

I dipped into 'Care of the Soul' during my mch delayed lunch break yesterday and I did get some interestiung insights. Philosophy and crackers - what a combination!

Today has started OK ish. I wa sup well before the alarm and I cleaned the oven as well as doing some basic tidying in the kitchen. I have had breakfast already. I woke hungry (despite cheese and crackers last night) and as a result I have eaten it faster than I should have done. But I am feeling motivated so I am aiming to do half an hour onthe Wiifit this morning.

I will be going to see Edna tonight after work.

I hope today goes better than yesterday

A new week

The weekend went to plan! Except neither of us got a message from Tony Stockwell last night. But Tony actually GOT there. Tonight I am going to book a hotel for the Pendle Hill trip in August.

Food was OK yesterday although I had quite a few wine gums at the theatre. I get so thirsty.

Tonday is going to be a funny day as I have to be at Steve's student place at 8.00 this morning to help him with some transport before I go to work. The game tonight has already been cancelled and I am already happy because I quite tired after my fun but tiring weekeknd. Th tempation to not go to work is large - but I know they have some key people on leave this week.

I definitely need the prospect of a day or two off work soonish. My lack of stamina continues to worry me a little

I am feeling hungry this morning - and it doesnt feel like physical hunger so I'm not sure what is going on in my head. It could just be that I am tense becasue of the early start and worrying how I will cope at work. I probably need to meditate and relax a little.

I didnt take my body test on Saturday - which was my goal day for the Wii fit. Sheer cowardice because I was worried I would have put weight on. I will try to have a really good week and be brave next weekend.

So all in all not a brilliant start to the day or the week. But it will get better . I have a feeling some of my head problems are linked in to Edna, I am already wondering about when I will get to see her and how it will go. Plus she is due for some shopping this week and sorting that out has been difficult on the previous two occasions and I am anticipating trouble this time as well.

I know from my previous bouts of depression how the mind can sobotage the body. I need to keep my mind under control - and that means listening to and respecting the emotions. I think I need a dip into 'Care of the soul' - and a chat with Denise would help as well but that is not possible as she is now too far away.

I have a plan - I am in control.

A big chnage is near

We really are on the final run in to Steve moving in. He now has bedding and is going to make a final push to remove all the building and decorating stuff. The only majoe items left to be sorted are curtains and the gas supply. When that is done, he can move in. It will be such a huge life change for him, and is bound to affect us as well. This change will set the pattern for my future relationship with my son. I think a few nerves are allowable.

Food and excercise wasn't brilliant yesterday - but there were no major transgressions or broken rules. I certainly didn't binge or snack excessively. I only did 15 minutes on the Wii fit - but I did a lot of running aorund shopping yesterday - and I certainly felt very tired by the end of the day ; tired enough to find a solution for one of Steve's problems that leaves me at home today - but gets him up VERY early on Monday morning. The alternative was a lot of tooing and froing today.

I have done half a workout this morning . I stopped to have breakfast but I will do soem more later.

I was up far too early today thanks to the cats. I tried to get some more sleep downstairs by listening to Kelly Howell. It failed - but I now know the last 25 minutes are just music. That is no doubt why I find it so soothing and dont wake up.

So far the weekend is working out to plan. I am really looking forward to seeing Tony Stockwell tonight - and I am cautiously optimistic that nothing will intervene to prevent Tony going.

So far so good.

Step one of my good weekend worked - we got to Rachel and Tyler's last night. So far so good. Its a shame my eating went totally to pot yesterday - and I dont really have an excuse. It started when I needed to chnage a 5.00 note to get change for the car park and bought a chocolate bar. Chocolate biscuits followed when I got it, although I didn't have a huge dinner because I knew I wasn't hungry. So it wasnt all bad.

I listened to the CYLI7D track last night for a change - not that I remember most of it. I didnt even wake up when he did the fimal countdown at the end.

This morning I have a busy day ahead. I need to try and get the paint off the back seat of the car incase the lovebirds want to sit together inthe back. If I can't Steve will have to sit behind me or in the front. The paint is totally dry - and its all Steve's fault anyway. I was tranporting paint for him and didn't realise it had spilled until it was dry becasue Steve took it out of the car.. I also want to measure his windows so curtains can be among the items we buy on the shopping trip today. I have already done a bit of cleaning round the house - and its not even 8.00 yet. I even cleaned the perspex door on the catflap and the cats can now see through it for the first time in years!

I have been good and done 15 minutes on the Wii fit (step plus and got a record score) I wasn't hungry when I got up but I decided I was hungry when I made my second drink - but didnt fancy cereal so I am having toast - and I'm not sure I am going to finish both slices. I am still listening to my body .

I so want Judy to like us. I want to impress her. I look aorund at the house and all I can see is how far it falls short of the ideal look I have in my mind. But I know Steve and Tony look at out cluttered home and see it as 'home' - and I know Steve would be outraged if Judy made snide comments on the state of the house . So I know I am being ridiculous.

Time to get on with the work. In two hours I need to be at Steves ready to go and pick Judy up. Watch this space for a full report later!!

LATER

We got on OK. I liked her and she liked me. Steve was SO relieved...........

General musingd

'The secret to reaching your goals may rest in the written word. Writing is a common theme through every stage of successful goal achievement. The act of writing creates a promise, and having that visual promise in front of you every day won't let you forget it. Got a problem remembering what goals you met last week? Start tracking them on a daily basis. No more guessing and fooling yourself. The only way to get a really accurate picture of your progress is to record what you've done when you do it. Got something to say or a breakthrough to announce? Write it in a journal. Journals can show you what works and what doesn't. And the stories of your success can be great motivators in the future, right when you need help the most. From pregnancy start to pregnancy finish, you can help your memory and your goals by putting ink to paper. It can make up for fading memory and keep motivation from fading at all.'

Sparkpeople could be talking directly to me with this - even more so than with other daily reflections that have struck such a chord with me. Mind you they are posted to give you something to reflect on in your daily journal on their site so its natural they will promote the value of a journal

I think the one thing my journal has led me to realise is that if you have a goal - be it losing weight or running a marathon - you have to be doing it for right reasons. If having a goal was all that was needed to succeed no dieter would ever fail. Your goal has to be realistic and has to be something you truly want to do for YOU. I spent years thinking 'if I lose weight I'll feel better about myself' But nothing external can ever make you feel good about yourself - that has to come inside. So now I feel good about myself - I am succeeding in losing weight. Its not an easy conundrum to solve tho.

Food went OK yesterday. No major breaches of the rules. I certainly moved my body, I was on my feet all day at work. I am sure I underestimate the excercise value of a day at work. But I also did my wii fit workout.

I havent said much about my meditation recently. I have been doing it and Steve has lent me two CD's of meditation tracks - all about 5 minutes long. They are now on my MP3 player so I can listen during my lunchbreak and relax. No huge breakthorughs yet but I am practiciding tenaciously as Paul would say. I am also still lsitebign to Kelly every night when I go to bed.

I am sleepoing better and I am no longer getting up every night to visit the loo so I am making slow but steady progress in a number of areas.

I do also feel that my empathy is increasing - although telepathy would still be magically useful.

I have small psychic twinge about Steve's relationship which I am going to record so either I can look back and remind myself what rubbish I sometimes think - or maybe look back and wonder how I knew. Steve has told me a little more about her background. He is not her first serious boyfriend. She did have one prior relationship at least, which ended becasue he was very manipulative. We often project onto others thngs we dont like ourselves so I am wondering excatly who was the manipulative one? I am still excited about meeting her tomorrow tho. I do hope we like each other. I dont want his first serious relationship spoiled by family problems.

This has the potential to be a fantastic weekend - and I am going to do all I can to make sure it is fantastic for everyone.

Morning has broken

I had a good nights sleep and I do feel mch better this morning. What ever horrible place I went to last night I have now left it.

This morning I have done some more cleaning, done 10 minutes step plus on the Wii fit, Made my lunch (last nights veg left overs with grated cheese that I will microwave) had 2 cups of coffee and eaten my breakfast of one weetabix with a plum and a kiwi fruit and plain yoghurt. I havent eaten that as slowly as I would like and I haven't left any. I am not full and I will probably have something else before I leave for work. But like myself this morning. I'm not yet back at the place where I am loving myself but I am back to being proud of myself and what I have done and am doing.

I even managed to listen to one of Paul's motivational CD's this morning before I got up

I've had a wobble - but I'm getting back on course

Memo to self - jst read Spark people before blogging

History is written all around you every day. It may not be history that makes the college textbooks, but it's your history just the same. Do you make your own history? Or do you endure the life that others make for you? When you choose a direction and dedicate yourself to it, you make history. When you listen to naysayers who convince you that it can't be done, you endure history. When you set your priorities and stick to them, you make history. When you get distracted by things that you find useless, you endure it. When you decide to have a good day, you create a life you want. When you allow outside forces to dictate your mood, you get the life that's given to you. There are an infinite number of possible histories out there, waiting to be lived. Whatever your life has been up to this point doesn't matter. What counts is the history that awaits you in the future. Which do you choose?

Me I'm choosing to make my history the way I want it

Chocolate

I am typing this in bed, feeling tired, fed up miserable and frankly not liking myself very much. I have not had a good day. But food was going well until after dinner.Then emotional eating took over and the chocolate biscuits were irresitible. I even brought a chocolate bar to bed with me. I just let it all go to pot and I am angry with myself, angry with life, and angry with Edna. But its no-one fault except mine however angry I feel about other people.

I dont want to have to deal with all this tomorrow morning. I want to start tomorrow with the slate wiped clean.

OK so I broke the rules big time tonight. And to make it worse I havent used the Wiifit at all. I was going to do some free step - but I was too tired.

No doubt tiredness is part of the problem. Hopefully Kelly Howels will put me to sleep tonight and I will sleep better than last night.

I know I am not being rational tonight, and I know I need to get my transgressions tonight in perspective. Hopefully tomorrow I will like myself enough to get back on track.

Mind games

My mind games dont seem to be working and I am starting to descend into panic again. This is not helpful. What am I panicking about?

Will I be able to fit in a visit to Edna over the weekend?
Will she need any shopping?
Will she go to Moseley Hall on Thursday?
Will I cope with my weekend schedule which now reads Friday evening visit to Rachel and Tyler, Saturday shoppping with Steve to get curtains and soft furnishings for his house - a trip whihc which is now likely to include Judy so we will be meeting her for the first time. Sunday evening we have tickets to see Tony Stockwell. And Steve may come over on Sunday again as he has a Ftaher's day gist for Tony - it will be the first time he has EVER acknowledged Fathers Day since he was a small child and they made cards at school.
Can I get the house and car in a state fit to be seen by outsiders? Jusy may or may not be a permananent fixture in Steve's life - but I want us to like her and her to like us.

I slept very badly last night and feel crap this morning. I am stiff coming downstairs was a difficult process with both my knees and my back twinging.

Food didnt go too badly yesterday in the end but the Wii fit didnt see as much of me as normal. Part of my problem overnght was I lay there feeling ravenously hungry - but knowing it was emotional not real. I feel leaden stomached as I type this. I feel hungry but its not real hunger. And I feel so fat its unbelievable.

Anyway I have decided I am not going to work out on the Wiif fit this mornign I am going to work out with housework and take the first steps towards getting the house presentable.

Before I finish I mus just say how priviledged I felt to read your blog yesterday Sharon. You have clearly overcome many hurdles in your life. You must have a very strong character.

I must go and start dusting and tidying

Sugar

Our exchange of views on sugar yesterday got me thinking about the whole ethos of Paul's programme and why I know we can both carry on with small amounts of sugar without feeling guilty. Diets fail because of boredom,and/or cravings and the guilt trip you go on when you know you have broken the rules. 'Eat what you want' eliminates the boredom and the guilt trip. But you wont lose weight if eat what you want means you snack all day on chocolate. Ultimately the only way to lose weight is to take in less eneragy than you use. Carried through to its ultimate aim,'Eat what you want' relies on your body giving you the desire for the right sort of foods. Paul metions an experiment with toddlers allowed free access to a range of foods over several weeks who all eneded up eating a balanced diet over those weeks. His theory is if you listen to your want you will WANT the healthier options. There is a lot of xcience to support Paul's programme - I'm not sure how robust that theory is. But I do know that eating a balanced diet with all the food groups is the best basis for good health. So I know we need carbs including sugar. But sugar (glucose) only provides 4 calories per gramme. Fat provides 9. So in calorie terms our 'spoonful of sugar' isnt going to massively increase calorie intake. So enjoy your sugar - in moderation - but dont forget pasta provides better carbs for your running!

Yesterday 4 chocolate biscuits got eaten when I wasnt really hungry - may as well own up. But apart from that I did well with food. My water intake wasnt brilliant but I did clock up 40 minutes on the wiifit. So all in all not a bad day

Yet again I slept almost till the alarm went off. It seems to be happenning more since I started listenign to Kelly Howells regularly. I must listen to the track without attemting to go into trance and find out what the whole of the track says. There is at least 30 minutes of it I have never heard - and I'd like to know what she is telling me.

I have done my morning workout and cocked up over 20 minutes on the Wii fit already today. Lunch is ready, and really all I have to do is get dressed and get off to work - and I have an hour to do that.

I realised I was being stupidly panicy yertsreday. I got Edna's invoice paid at 8.45 (before I left for work) and was able to ring Edna to remind her about the appointment with little difficulty. No plates fell off and really there were not that many plates to keep in the air. I was being incredibly silly and negative. I think subconciously I have concerns about Edna that I am suppressing. I need to try and get the concerns into the light of day so I can deal with them.

I am bit down because I stepped on the bathroom scales and the figure was not as low as I hoped - in fact nowhere near the Wiifit figure. Its silly becasue I know the figure is 7 lbs less than it used to be. I have still lost the weight. But I am sitting here feeling fat and bloated. So I am going to have a quick bath and meditae in the bath. Its a sure way to make myself feel good about me. I wish I didnt have to play psychological tricks on myself to make myself feel good!! Still at least I know I can make myself feel good. Self knowledge can be a double edged sword at times tho.

That Monday morning feeling

I haye to admit it but the predominant feeling is very slight panic wondering how I am going to get all the necessary phones calls done. I have to pay Edna's Meals on wheels invoice (which she had filed away without doing anything with it) Ring her to remind her to go to Mseley hall and I probaly need to ring my dentist to let him know about the filling that has fallen out. All this when making calls with my mobile is diffciult to impossible between the hours of 9 and 5.

However I will cope..........

I have made a good start today. The yoga went well and I was very energetic in the step plus. I havent listened to any of Paul's tracks becasue I slept almost until the alarm went off - although I did have some disturbing dreams that were heavily inflenced by Schindlers List I think. A very powerful film. So I didn't have an undisturbed nights sleep.

I am eating breakfast as I type this (muesli with a fresh orange with yoghurt and some sugar) and it tastes wonderful. I have realised denying myself sugar is probably the most pointless dieting manoutvre I have ever made. Using zero calorie substitiutes is a quick fix to reduce your calorie intake - but they dont taste as good. I'm not going to suddenyl stop buying the sugar free versions of lemonade and other fizzy drinks or even staop heading for the healthier low salt low sugar versions of food like baked beans. But a spoonful of real sugar on my cereal isnt going to hurt me. And adding a bit of sugar to my coffee as well as the artifiial sweetener isnt going to hurt me.

Eating as I type slows down my eating . I have my lunch prepared ( the other half of the sandwich I made on Friday and a fresh fruit salad) so all I have to do is shower and dress. As itsd not yet 8.00 and I dont have to leave until just after 9.00 I should have time to meditate and get some phone calls in (if they open before 9,00 that is )

I feel like a plate juggler at the moment - a feeling I remember all too well from my days as a wrking Mum with a young child at school. But this time I know which are my priotiy plates - and if some of the others fall off I dont care.

New day new week

OK my aim today is to get back into routine with exercise because I know that is the key to consistent weight loss. Also I feel good about myself when I am exercising regularly. Yay for serotonin.

I ache this morning. I may not have worked out but I can feel the effects of helping Steve move furniture. We were trying to find the best arrangement for his new 3 piece suite and the only way was to shift the bits around. thena bit later I helped him put together a divan bed whihc involoved manhandling the bits of the base into the correct position. I did excercise yesterday so when the balance board reminded me it had been 3 days since I last worked out with the Wiifit I wasnt too worried.

I felt like showing the balance board 2 (or maybe only 1!) fingers but making rude signs at an inanimate object wouldnt excatly be a sign of mental stability lol

I didn't sleep well last night so I am tired this morning. I could have gone back to bed after feeding the cats but decided getting back into routine was more important.

So I have worked out (yoga and step plus) and boy were my scores hit by the two day break. I was much stiffer than usual. But as long as I am doing them regulalry I know I will stay flexible. And I know it will pay off long term. It has been weeks since I needed to come downstairs almost crabwise becasue my knees hurt. Although losing wieght will help my knees I haven't lost enough to make a huge difference to them yet. Its been the excercise thats made that change. I can even get up from doing the downward facing dog without having to hold onto something and without going ouch. It ets worse as I go through the day - but at least I am starting from a better platform than I used to

Food was OK. I didnt have time to snack with all the running around - and I stuck the the 4 golden rules when I did eat. Given my stress levels I am impressed with myself for not giving in to snacking in the evening - but the pizza filled me up.

So overall I am tired, but concentrating on keeping on track, and not letting stress win.

Pizza and wine

Thats what we had for dinner. After a busy day moving and shopping , Steve opted to stop over with us so we phoned out for a Pizza and Steve opened one of his bottles of wine to go with it. I regret to announce I am NOT completely sober.

Food has gone fairly well today - and went OK yesterday as well. Excercise as in Wiifit workouts has been non existent - but I will get back to that. I have done a lot of running aorund and walking oveer the past couple of days so I do feel I have 'moved my body'

I am highly stressed over Edna - but I am determined to keep this blog an Edna free zone so I am NOT going to go into details. But she certainly isn't making my life easier However I am NOT going to resort to bine eating. I am not resorting to alcohol eaither. if Steve hadn't suggested it I wouldn't ave had anything to drink .

Hopefully tommorrow will be a better day

In a rush

I am not going to have a very relaxing weekend . I am helping Steve move some of his stuff to number 6, but before then I have to go and see Edna for what I know is going to be a tricky conversation. The gory details are in 'Dementia and how I coped' at alzheimersandme on blogger.

My guts have still shut up shop, I dont feel at all hungry and I am so tense you would not beleive it. I am going to have a bath and meditate and hope for inspiration about howto handle a very tricky situation. I need my empathy at full power to deal with Edna this morning.

Gut instinct

Yesterday morning on only the vaguest of symtpoms I put myself back on Movicol. This morning my guts are in total shutdown despite a second dose yesterday. So this morning I have doubled the dose . So my instinct yesterday morning was right.

I think my other 'gut instinct' was also correct. I think I was waiting for Edna . Having sene her and realised I need to do more for her I have lost the 'waiting' feeling.

I need to pay close attention to my instinctive feelings. Clearly I am now more in tune with my body and that is great news.

Food was a kind of ' blah' day. I sat too close to the tuck shop in the tea room yesterday at lunch. I had crispbreads with me (first time in ages just to make a change) and ended up with a packet of crisps and a chocolate bar as well. Thnaks to visiting Edna I was late having dinner . And I seem to have rejioned the clean plate club - but the dinner I did myself was smaller than I would have had pre Paul.

I haven't listened to any of Paul's CD's for a couple of days due to lack of time - but I still feel in control of food. That is probably a sign that the rules are now totally ingrained in me.

One plus point from yesterday is that I did a lot better drinking than I have been. I took 2 very short breaks each session.

I hurt this morning - definite back pain and I feel stiff. I actually did less exercise yesterday than I normally do because I didnt do my normal freestep session yesterday evening. So I'm not sure what the pain is due to. But I am not ignoring it and I think I may give the workout a miss this morning. Resting is the worst thing for back pain - but I move around so much at work that I can;t be considered to be resting it by avoiding the workout. My body is talking to me and I am listening.

I have a shopping list for Edna and I am debating whether to do the shopping (for her and me) this morning or tommorrow morning. Always so many decisions to make!!!!


Just found this from Sparkpeople

We all know people who just like to complain. It seems that no matter how good they have it, they're always spreading negative energy. Even the best, most painstaking listener can have trouble with someone who finds fault with everything around them. You can shine even in the worst situations if your character is strong. If you're starting to see the "dark side" too often and find yourself blaming your circumstances on other people, take another look. If you think a change of scenery will solve all your problems, think again. Change can be good. Moving on to new things can be an exciting chance to stretch yourself and break a rut. But it's important to start with yourself when you're finding things to improve. No matter where you live, work or play, the only constant is you. You can't escape yourself. Change on the outside will have no effect on your happiness or fulfillment unless you change on the inside, too.

There are a few people I would LOVE to see this. I know a LOT of moaners. I used to be one myself. I wouldn't be where I am today if I hadn't changed on the inside.

Happiness is journey not a destination

I had this as my FB status the other day. i can't claim credit for it- I found it on status shuffle. But it is very true. We chose to be happy or to be unhappy. 'Happy' means being content with our lot in life and making the most of it. 'Unhappy' is constantly wishing thngs were different without doing anything to change things. What most people dont realise is they have the power to change things if they really want to.

I've been thinking a lot about Alan over the past few days. It all started at the weekend when I was at the convention and being reminded how he introduced me to role playing. I said a few days ago I realised I had a certain charisma. That charisma meant a lot of men on the convention circuit knew me and liked me. I found myself wondering whether Alan felt threatend by the fact that all these men (who were his friends too) would say hallo to him - but give me a huge hug. I also found myself wondering if he was secretly annoyed that I took to both playing and running games so well and became higher ranked than him. He was already insecure - thats why he drank - so I am wondering if I inadvertently added to his insecurity by my success. I dont know where all this musing is going to end but I am sure I need to be at peace with Alan's memory to truly move on in my life. I did lose weight during my marriage. In fact I was at my lightest (about 10st) when Steve was about 3. I had wieghed over 15 st by the end of my pregnancy. It wasn't until his drinking got totally out of control that I started piling on the pounds...........

Back to the plot now. I did well with food and excercise yesterday. I resisted biscuits with my welcome home cup of tea yesterday - becasue I wasnt hungry having eaten half an apple while driving home (I left the other half because I wasnt hungry) I did my usuall morning workout and then 20 minutes freestep after dinner.

This morning I feel tired and achy and very very thirsty. I always wake thirsty but this morning it was worse than normal. I do worry that I am not drinking enough and if I am honest I feel a bit miffed that I can't have a bottle of water with me in the dispensary. Oh well I will just have to vanish twice during during a session not once as I do now. I need to drink water for all sorts of reasons and work will just have to lump it!

I feel sluggish as well and my IBS is playing up slightly , and I think I am going to have to put myself back on Movicol I hate the taste of that stuff .

I feel as if I am marking time for some reason at the moment. Maybe its just a natural calming after the high of the weekend. But I do feel as if I am waiting for something or someone.

Work however won't wait so I must stop writing and start doing or I will never get there!

Time for a review I think

Things are much more normal this morning although yet again I didnt wake until the alarm went off so havent had time to listen to any of the trance tracks. But I have worked out (yoga and step plus) and am now eating breakfast.

As I am so close to acheiving one of my targets (to weigh less than 14 st) it seems lke a good idea to review how I have got here and what I have hearned about my relationship with food.

'Eat what you want' is probably the rule most seriel dieters look at and say 'goody that will be easy' It is but it gets more complicated as you realise what you like. Grabbing a chocolate bar (or biscuit!!) is quick and easy. Preparing a fresh fruit salad takes time. And I have realised that I like my food to be interesting with flavour and good texture.

'Eat when you are hungry' is tricky when you have to stick to defined break times at work - but once you learn what your body needs and when you can prepare. So I have breakfast about 7.00 but will have a selection of 'finger food' (cereal bars fruit that sort of thing) so that I can have something just before I start work (I always have at least 10 minutes to spare after I arrive) But that can be one of the rules get bent.

'Eat slowly' takes practice and is hard when you dont have a lot of time to spend eating.

'Stop before you are full' is made eaiser by restricted break times - but like sow eating takes tractice. I am getting better at both of these- and both are easier when you have put the time in to prepare something you really want to eat.

I have realsied a lot of my bad eating habits came from rushing and not having time and not really enjoying my food. I still maintain the biggest change I have made is in y lunches at work. No more crispbreads - unless of course I want them (lol) and I do enjoy crispbreads at times. But snadwiches are much more enjoyable. Interestingly I can't eat a whole round of sandwiches any more so my intake is automatically cut in half.

I think the main thing I have learnt recently is that I enjoy food much more than I thought I did. I now take great pleasure in cooking in my new kitchen - and I cook healthier meals that we both enjoy. I think before I felt as a fat person it didnt dare really enjoy food. Now I know I can.

Maybe this journey has been easier for me than for others becasuse I understand the science behind what Paul says in his book. I also have to promote the healthy eating rules when I talk to patients.

I think one other major thing I have learned is that you need to be happy with who you are to lose weight and keep it off. I am happier with who I am than I have been for a long time.

Keep on going

Thats what I plan to do keep on going with all the things I am doing at the moment because it all seems to be working. That doesnt mean life is going to be all sunlight and roses from now on. Things are bit thorny this morning because I needed the alarm to wake me up (never a good sign) I woke feeling very hungry and my back is playing up.

I am tired because I had a busy weekend and I do take longer to recover from those sorts of things than I did. I am hungry because I didnt do any late night snacking yesterday I suppuse - but it may be emotional hunger because I am planning to see Edna tonight. My back is playing up because of 20 minutes free stepping on top of a days work and that jog I was so pleased about yesterday.

I do need a touch of realism. I may not look it but I am 57 - nearly an OAP and I csn't ask my body to do too much. Thats why I have given up trying to work full time. My excercise is needed to help me lose weight and stay flexible - not prepare me to run a marathon. I need to focus what I am doing on what I need NOW.

Food went OK yesterday although my snack intake was higher than I would like. Biscuits really are a problem and I think I need to do the craving buster to reduce my fondness for them. I may do that if I get time to listen to a track before I go out. My morning listening is normally done before the alarm goes off . But clearly I needed the sleep today.

I feel fat today - you get days like that. I dont feel 100% but I will get over it. I am slightly paniccy becasue I have paperwork I need to do this morning. But I will get things done that need to be done and everything else can wait and I will still feel positive about myself. Thats the big difference between how I am and how I used to be. I will still feel positive about myself.

Not such a good day

Food reallly didnt go well yesterday. I found myself snacking much more than the previous day - but still for a convention it was pretty good. I'm not proud of myself for that but I'm not ashamed either, Yesterday is gone and today I get back to normal

I realised yesterday I do look slimmer. I saw my reflection and realised by bum didnt stick out as much as it used to. I didnt think ' I really need to lose weight' I thought ' That looks quite good'

I really think I have made a m,ajor brealthrough with my self image this weekend.

I\m not even up yet. I use my laptop to listen to the new tracks so I can blog in bed now. How decadent is that.

I have listend to a weight loss track already. I feel hungry so breakfast will be first move when I get up in about 10 seconds

1 hr 40 minutes later

I have had breakfast - and only just finished it (Thats what you call slow eating) In between I also did a workout. Having eaten rather badly yesterday I decided to be more energetic than normal so 5 minutes of step plus and an island run later.............. here I sit sweating and a bit breathless but energised and feeling good about myself. I havent done any the jogs for ages so mentally it is a big boost to have completed an island run with no real problems. 11 minutes of jogging has GOT to be good for the system!

So new week, new start, new energy ...........things are looking good. And I do feel I have passed some sort of huge tipping point with my self image. All I havr to do now is lose 2 lbs and I will be through the psychological 14st barrier and I do feel that will be a HUGE boost.

If only every day could be like that

After that good start ,yesterday got better. I had a fantastic day all round. I got Tony to the convention with me with no argument just a little psychology. When we got there we had a great time, bumped into lots of old freinds, and took part in one of the best gaming sessions I can ever remember. I got reminded LOTS that people remember me and think of me very positively. And I am now back in touch with some long lost friends. The pleasure of that is slightly tempered by the knwoledge that I will no doubt have to discuss Alan - but I can cope with that

Best of all was food was a dream. OK my diet was positively unhealthy but I stuck to the rules quite well. Lunch was a huge bagguette, dinner was from the chippy but no crisps no sweets none of the normal convention overeating. I feel positively proud of myself.

I am so looking forward to another good day today.

Yetserday had an added bonus. Steve has told me he is going to give Tony a bottle of scotch for Father's day. He has never EVER done anything for Father's Day before - and I know Tony will be so touched by the significance of the day as well as the gift.

D-Day

In more ways than one. I didn't notice when I selected my time goal on the Wii-fit that it was 6th June. I did my body test this morning and.......... I have lost 2lbs My Wii fit age is crummy 53 - byt as it acidly told me balance tests are not my cup of tea. But I dont care. I have lost weight with really no dieting. Look at all the snacking I have owned up to in the blog. I know the main difference is my meals are smaller than they used to be - but I am still eating food I really like.

And as if that wasn't enough todays Sparkpeople reflection also spoke to me and said 'you are on the right track

Take a look at your priorities and your goals. Where did they come from? Are they the products of soul-searching, self-analysis, and careful planning? Or are they a reaction to pressures from other people? Did you find them within yourself or within the pages of a magazine? The answers to these questions are important because they tell you if the person you're becoming is someone you want to be. Here's another way to look at a goal: do you want it, or do you just think you should want it? It's not easy to follow your own direction in life. But it's more possible than you may think. Question everything. Every priority in your life needs to justify why it's there. If you can't come up with a good reason that actually comes from YOU, maybe it doesn't belong.


I know my current goals come from me - and that means everything I am doing -including the way I am dealing with my weight - should work out OK in the end.

I wanted to set a really long target time with a really low weight loss goal - but the best I could do was set a 1lb weight los with a 2 week goal. At least I will be sticking to Paul's maximum 2 weekly wweigh ins. And If I can reduce the snacking and up the excercise a bit..............

I listened to Kelly Howells track last night - and only woke up when one of Pauls tracks came on. I will try her 6 week programme. Basically it feels as if it is taking me back to the basics of CYLI7D and definitely fits in with my personal exploration of any psychic potential in me. (I can hear you groaning Sharon lol) Maybe I ought to explain where all that comes from.

One of the fundamental things in CYLI7D is to find your true self - and Paul comments in the text that this is at the core of all major religions. It also led me to un understanding of the value of meditation. Then add in 2 recent paranormal experiences that I cannot debunk and find a rational explanation for. I saw what I can only describe with the code word 'ghost' not a shadow not a visual trick of the light but something my brain saw as 3 D becasue the words that went through my head were 'freaky mannequin' except a matter of moments later it wasnt there. Then on another occasion a medium told me some facts about myself that only I knew . It was unsolicited unscheduled with no payment. And the information she gave me came out as 3 statemens one after the other with NO comment from me. So I dont know what the paranormal is but things do happen that science cannot explain- and that appeals to me. So Kelly's use of of the terms God and universal mind fit well with my personal experince of how the world works for me. I believe the human mind is amazingly powerful. And so does Paul

'What you focus on you get more of' (Paul's phrase) So if you are focussing on trying to make the right decision about your future then whether you sit down and write out a list of pro's and cons , or go and have your tarot cards read yous are assimilating information that helps you to make the decision. the key fact is that YOUR mind is focussing on YOUR issue. The answer comes from within you - it cant come from anywhere else. The list or the cards are just the tools you use to help your subconsious mind deal with the information.

Anyway that is the world view according to Sally. Cooky eh?

Back to the plot now

Food went OK ish but gaming nights I snack. But I only late half my lunch at work and we only had a very light diner of omlette and bread and butter. I havent eaten yet today becasue I am not hungry . I've done 5 minutes of step plus - but that may be all I do today. We are at a gaming convention all weekeknd and frankly I dont feel in the mood to do to much physical excercise. I do SO much walking at work!! So I am resting on my laurels a little . I will not however use the convention as a licence to forget the rules - far from it. My diet wont be healthy - but whatever I eat I will eat slowly (way past the tipping point on that - I couldnt eat fast if I wanted to now) and I will not stuff myself to total a bloated state.

I feel very confident, very positive and ready to deal with whatever the weekend throws at me.

Sleeping

I'vw woken up feeling very achy and stiff today. But I didnt really excercise at all. I did a quick trip round the supermarket for Edna, spent a day on my feet at my work, took the shopping to Edna, and went home. We did walk the half mile to the polling station and back - which is really the only extra excercise I got. I am wondering if the problem is my bed. Once Steve has hos huse sorted and all his stuff is out of our house, I intend to get a new bed. That isnt a new plan its been there for some time. It was originally a 'luxury' idea. I now think its a necessity.

Food went OK yesterday

I tried to listen to Kelly Howells track - but was too a bit taken aback by the fact that its an hour long! I wasnt sure there was enough battery in my laptop and I hadnt got the power cord. The inital ideas within the trance seem very like CYLI7D

I did better with drinking and did manage to do my PFM excercises (God what we women have to do to keep healthy!!)

Steve is here this morning so peace and quiet and meditation are not on the menu at the moment. I think I'll turn the Wiifit on and do some yoga.

PS Just spotted this on Sparkpeople and thought i'd post it as reminder to me that I CAN solve problems

t's been said that some of the smartest people around would make lousy entrepreneurs. How can that be? The fact is, some people are so smart they can easily see all of the problems, roadblocks, and snafus that they'll need to overcome to succeed. They can think of all kinds of reasons why their idea won't work. This knowledge can overwhelm any thoughts of possibilities or dreams. When you think of your goals, do you focus on the positives of making it happen, or the negatives of potential barriers? To reach your goals, you gotta really want them. More importantly, you gotta really believe that you can do it. Think more about why you CAN make it happen instead of why you can't. No more excuses.

Aneven more intersting post - I hope

I listened to another of the new tracks last night. I dont remember much about it. I was out of it for at least 10 minutes. So I guess I relaxed quite well!. I found the instruction to visualise my slimmer self whenever I becasue aware of not counting a very good idea.

Food went pretty well yesterday and I certaonly did well on the 'move your body' front as well. But this morning I ache and I nearly overselpt. I was quite late to bed so was late geting to sleep by the time I had doen the meditation. I diont know why I ache. 40 minutes on the Wii fit (20 minutes yoga and step plus yesterday mronign and 20 minutes free step while watching tv last night) is normal for me. And I'm notaware of running aorund a lot at work so I dont understand that.

Mentally I am rushing around already. I have to do Edna's shopping , get it over to her, fit in my hair appointment and go and vote (European and local elections) . Plus I have to work and I still want to spend some meaningful time with Tony tonight. The shopping will be done this morning beffore I go to work. I may cancel the hair appointment - but its only for a dry trim so shouldnt take too long - and the hairdreser is on my way from work to Edna's. I knwo I'll do it all, I am just wondering how tired I will be tonight

I have realised I am not drinking enough either for Paul's programme or to help my bladder. I could drink a well dry this morning. And I woke in the night really thirsty. Yesterday I felt very dry mouthed at work and had to leave the dispensary a couple of time to get myself some water.I have also realised I have got out of the habit of doing my pfm excercises. Can I do them while driving? I'll find out this morning

So far this morning I am not really hungry so I haven't had breakfast. Despite feeling a bit panicked I have got the radio of TV on. I am enjoying the silence whihc is actually very relaxing.I am looking at the wii fit and wondering if to turn it on. With the shopping and a day at work I will be doing a lot of steps anyway. I can always do a quick 15 or 20 minutes this evening when I've stopped rushing. And that means I will have time to listen to a trance track before I go to work. I think I;ll listen to one of the non Paul tracks.

I am still meditating on the last comment in yesterdays entry. No real conclusion yet.

Mutual support

Reading the comments on this blog are so helpful. Its good to know you have bad days too . Its alos good to know you cant work what really lies behind your weight issues.

I know when my fast eating first started - it was at school.where a crowded canteen meant you only had about 15 minutes to eat. But thats about it as far a self discovery goes.

I also have days when I know I will eat good stuff and some days when I know I wont. But is any food really 'bad stuff'? We get bombarded with healthy eating messages over here in the UK. 5 portions of fruit and veg a day, Reduce your fat and salt intake. Reduce your intake of unrefined sugar. Eat whole grain foods. But the truth is our bodies need a mixture of ALL foods. We NEED salt, we NEED fat, we NEED sugar, like we need protein and carbohydrate. So if you are having a 'bad food day' it could be becasue your body knows you need that food. That isnt a licence to eat chocolate every day of course. But if all you ate was protein (the ultimate good food) you would be just as unhealthy as if you ate nothing but chocolate.

The major rule to avoid breaking is 'stopping before you are full' Eating when you are not hungry is a sure way to put on weight however healthy the food you out in your mouth is.

And that is today 'gospel according to Sally' lol

Food did go better yesterday - but I am still breaking the major rule and snacking when I am not truly hungry. I am not however ever stuffing myself with food the way I used to.

It is good to know I have a friend out there who is going thought the same battles - even though we fight them in very different ways. I will never run a marathon - my back wouldnt cope. I am quite happy with my silly Wii fit workout whihc I can fit into the time I have available.

But then probably Sharon you would never decide you wanted to see if you coudl train your psychic abilities. You may be one of those people who thinks the paranormal is total rubbish. You may mentally cringe when I write about the 'cosmic power' and show my spiritual side.

Running is YOUR route to self discovery - the spiritual is my route, What matters is that we are BOTH trying to discover out true selves - and lose the need for the armour of fat we both carry because we are secretly afraid our true selves are totally naff and unloveable. And mutual support helps - even if it is at a distance like this. Thanks to the internet I know you will still be there for me when you move back to Australia.

I still havent got a satisfactory answer to why I got into all my bad eating habits. But I am still trying hard to break them. I do know time is a huge factor - mainly lack of time. I always seem to be in a rush . I am also a carer (some would say a busybody lol) tryig to make sure everyone else is happy leaving little time to cater for MY needs. I learnt from CYLI7D that my biggest fear is that I am selfish. I wonder if I spend so much time caring for other needs that that food was the quickest way to care for mine becasue I didnt want to appear selfish and self centered by taking time for me?

Hmm - something to think about.

Breaking habits can be difficult

Yetsterday did go OK in some ways. I got half the leaflets done and will do the rest this morning. Work went OK. Meditation went OK ish but could have gone a lot beter ; and I got a parking space OK at the hospital. But food ....oh dear. It was a very VERY bad food day. There was a bag of little chocolate bars at work - and I had some. Then when I got home it was too hot to feel hungry so I didnt have a meal - and snacked on all the wrong things.

I have listened to the CD this morning and my thoughts were all over the place - but I suppose that isnt such a bad thing. I have realised that deep inside I cant shake off the image of myself as a fat failure. Its the image I got of myself from my Mum bless her. I know she didnt mean to make me feel like that - but how on earth can I undo programming that well entrenched?

I know Paul says that understanding how you came to be how you are is the boobly prize - but all this was triggerred by a phrase in the CD. ' I know your old eating habits served a purpose' I found myself wondering what purpose they had served me? Until I know I cant put in place alternative strategies.


Arrgghh and other similar words. But interestingly this revelation isnt making me feel like giving up. Instead I feel challenged to explore the idea and learn more about myself.

I am typing this in silence with no TV or radio. I am enjoying exploring what silence offers me.

I will be off out in a bit to deliver the rest of the leaflets. And this morning I will be visualising a car parking space very hard. Tuesdays are always bad at the hospital.

So on the whole I am feeling good - but I am hoping I manage food better today. Its not gettong off to a good start. Breakfast was slowly eaten but I am still hungry. But I am NOT giving up.

Breaking habits

I am a creature of habit - far more so than I realised until I started exploring my inner self with Mr McKenna.

Bad eating habits me put on weight. I am learning to break those habits by practicing eating slowly and all the other rules. But I have also realised I have some other habits as well that may need changing.

One of my problems is relaxing - although I am getting better at that. But I think one reason why I cant relax is becasue I never really have silence around me in the house. I habitually put the radio or tv on wherever I am. Its almost as if I am afraid of silence. So this morning I deliberetaley didnt put the radio on either upstairs or in the kitchen.

I had already changed my listening habits in the car on the way to work. I listen to Classic FM rather than radio 4 becasue it is more relaxing. So silence is just another step on from that.

No major food disasters yesterday. I have realised I look better in some clothes (and nightwear!) and I really dont care what the result of my Body test is on Saturday (goal day) Wven if I have put ON weight I know I have made amazing progress over the lasr few weeks.


I have listened to the CD this morning already - and tired some unguided meditation. I'm not using the Wii fit thismorning. I have some leaflets to deliver so I am going to do that before I go to work so I will be walking in the fresh air .

I am really positive this morning.