AAARRGGGHHHHH

The title kind of sums it up. I am sitting here this morning, feeling heavy and lethargic after an evening of bingeing last night.It doesn't help that my IBS is swinging round into a 'bunged up' phase. So this morning I feel hungry and bloated at the same time, and I have dosed myself with some Movicol. This is NOT a good start to a week, and made worse by Maggie telling me she has put on 5lbs over the last 5 weeks. I KNOW Maggie has her strategy wrong - but really I am not sure mine is any better. However on the plus side, my card pick this morning was 'Ask' and the text was all about how the angels cannot help us unless we do ask because we have free will. So in my meditation I asked for some insight into why I keep blocking my efforts to get healthy. My actual question was 'Why am I scared' to be healthy?' Immediately the thoughts that came to my mind were of work at the Orthopedic. The insight I got was that being unhealthy gives me excuse NOT to work all the hours they want. If I saw myself as 'fully fit' what reason could I give them for my 10-4 hours on a maximum of 3 days a week. I need to sort out what is cause and effect here. Is work at the ROH making my unhealthy because I am fundamentally 'unhealthy'? Or is that my defense so I don't have to work there more than I do? I found myself thinking that I need to take more positive steps to getting my hypnotherapy and reiki set up . Its getting the balance right being being active and sitting at home relaxing. There is also a psychological aspect. I believe a lot more in hypnotherapy and reiki than in my work as a pharmacist. Somehow I need to get my subconscious to understand that I can do more than I do at the moment, as long as its focussed on my new clients. Claire is going to give me some hypnotherapy on the 6th. I think I need some regression and I think it could be VERY enlightening. Because I do still need to find out why I cannot see myself as anything but 'fat' I do try to be consistent in my goals for getting healthy. I have always tried to see it as a journey to health, rather than journey to be thinner. But there is no doubt being thinner would a major boost. And losing weight IS a major boost to health. So clearly if I want to be unhealthy on one level, keeping myself fat is a great way to achieve that. Oh what complex things we humans are!!