I am discovering a diagnosis of cancer (well to be honest pre-cancerous cells highly suggestive of cancer) plays havoc with the emotions. My logical brain knows thyroid cancer is curable. But I am scared. As Bob (on of my fellow students on the course) said the other day. 'But how does the little girl inside feel?' That was an easy and automatic answer. 'Scared to death'

Tony and I are not exactly communicating well at the moment. Having said he would come with me to the hospital on Monday he funked out at the last moment. I was really really hurt and stormed out saying saying it was good to know how much he thought of our relationship and I would text him the news. Of course I didnt. I went back home afterwards and found him in the bath very contrite. He had made a huge public apology and declaration of love for me on FB. And when I got home from the course I found he had bought me a valentine card and a box of cadbury's Heroes. But when I reminded him he had agreed to cook dinner that night as part of his apology to me, the look that went across is face was - annoyed? reluctant? I am not sure. But I AM sure he didn't willingly step up to the plate. And of course I am worried about what it will be like when I come home from hospital and really really NEED him to do things like that because I won't be capable of it. I am sure he remembers what he felt like after his op so he should know.


Tony has gone into 'shut down' mode. I know he is coming to terms with the diagnosis just as I am. And I know e has issues. I suspect in a way he knows (even before I told him) that how he reacts to this will define his commitment to our relationship. So I suspect as well as dealing with the emotional issue of the diagnosis, he is also dealing with the emotional issues that I think have stopped him actually acting on the marriage proposal he made 3 years ago. I know he needs support - but I can't give it to jim because I need HIS support. It is a horrible situation to be in. He didn't go to Wolf's last night . I did but there wasn't any rp because I was too busy crying on Gill and Kate's collective shoulders about all this.

The good thing is I know Gill and co will be there for HIM as well as me. They are all confident that he WILL be there for me and support me post op. And given the levels of spiritual communication in that area I feel it was more than just platitiudes that in some way this a message to me from spirit.

H came in as well. Darren suggested it but I got the impression it wasn't HIS idea if you know what I mean.

I know we will get through all this. But this morning as I was in bed being triple teamed by the cats, I did wonder - what the hell am I going to do post op if they do that. How will I alert Tony? Will I be able to alert Tony? I just wish I KNEW how we would get through it

Tony has pulled out of the Falstaff Factor because of all this. His audition is on March 26th and because we have no idea when my op will be he feels he can't take the risk. I can sympathise with that view as I am looking at all the dates in our diary and wondering which of them are going to have to be cancelled at short notice. But I am annoyed he has pulled out- and I think he is annoyed and there is only one person he can take that annoyance out on - me.

I can't just opt out of life and social events while I wait for my op. Its unrealistic and unhelpful. But how do we get the balance right?

I am on a roller coaster emotionally at the moment. The effect on my eating and exercise can be easily imagined. I filled up with petrol on the way home from Gill's last night - and I bought a triple Bounty bar which I ate as I drove home.

On the plus side I did go swimming yesterday morning. And if I got my skates on I could go swimming again today. But not with Maggie. I want to avoid Maggie until I know she won't show her support for me by ranting about Tony's behaviour on Monday.

I am also nervously waiting for Jane to come back from holiday and get my email.

And yesterday on the course - whihc I am enjoying so much - when we were discussing how to market ourselves I went into a total panic of negative thoughts because I can't see myself being able to do that.

Being rational I am not reacting rationally to anyhting at the moment and I need to remember that.

I did do an instinctive but of positive re-framing tho. II suspect my illness is connected to the stresses of 2008/9. And I found myself thinking. I went through all that and the worse the universe can do to me is give a cancer that is so easily curable? Wow I am stronger than I thought.

I will try to keep that thought with me today