work

I went to work today. Only half a day at Little Aston, but I am really re-considering whether I should go to work next week or not. I am finding it quite hard to concentrate.

I was meant to be at an animal healing workshop tomorrow - but I have pulled out. I am going to pull out of going down to see Jane next weekend too . Even if I am not in hospital I think the journey will be too much. I don't want to turn myself into an invalid. I want to carry on as normal until I go in for the op. But not knowing when that will be leaves me in a horrible kind of limbo - and it is playing havoc with my emotions - and that in turn plays havoc with how I feel physically and mentally.

It is very ironic that I have had to tell one agency that I felt I couldn't work next week because I was having problems getting my head round the diagnosis and didn't think I would be safe working. I only told them that because ROH have been told they can't book through that agency due to it being under investigation for fraud. They needed me to pull out of the booking so ROH didnt get stuck with a charge for giving less than a weeks notice. I felt uncomfortable to put it mildly but the alternative was no work next week. However right now I am wondering if I wasn't actually right - and maybe I would have been better to back out.

Work today was OK - but that was in a quiet department on a Saturday. But I had to really concentrate at times - and I found my attention wandering.I am truly not sure how I will cope at ROH on Monday. I guess all I can do is go and see.how I cope, I am trying some focussing /cosmic ordering and imagining myself getting a phone call on Monday giving me a date for my op. The thing is I know they want me in sooner rather than later so if I get a call Monday it could be op on Tuesday.

I am not worried what will happen if I get a quick admission - its how I will cope if I end up waiting 3 months............................

If I do have to wait I guess tine will help as I will get used to the situation. At the moment I am still in a state of shock. In a couple of weeks I will have my head round it all and be able to get on with life more normally. Mind you in a couple of weeks I may not ave any work to worry about. If HCL are in trouble the booking at Good Hope has never been confirmed so I guess it won't happen.

I forgot to eat breakfast this morning. OK I wasn't that hungry but I forgot. I wetn out without even thinking about it. What I was thinking about was the logistics of making sure there was enough food in ,if I DO get admitted next week. Argghh my head is spinning with trying to work everything out

One piece of good news is that I got some great advice from rebecca about helping my scar heal quicker. the Environ products are really good for that apparently.

I was really touched when Julie came in on her day off to give me a lovely pot plant to wish me well. It was from all the girls in the department. its nice to know I am so well regarded. Rebecca said there is only oner other of their regular locums to get that sort of treatment.

We have booked to go on a ghost hunt at the Cauldron on Friday. It is a sponsored ghost hunt in aid of Comic Relief. Dave is happy for me to pay on the night so if I DO get the call - at least we haven't lost any money.

I am not making any sense really - but this entry does very adequately represent how I feel at the moment. Which leaves me with the question - to work or not to work..................