What is 'normality'

I desperately want things to be normal - if only I knew what 'normal' was. I think what I have at the moment IS normal given my circumstances

I worked yesterday. I wasn't fantastically busy and I coped OK. What I didnt cope with well was the fallout from the agency debacle. Anita rang me (putting me into a situation where I had to lie again) to explain the HCL version of events and to tell me there should be a 6 months cooling off period during which neither ROH nor any other agency should be booking me for there. Oh really - a hospital so close to me that I can't work at because the hospital is in dispute with an agency? I don't think so. Then HCL found out I was working there today. And I have rejected 3 calls from unkown numbers on my mobile. The caller didn't leave a message. I am betting it was anita. I think today I will leave the phone off and see who leaves messages on my voicemail. The hospital will leave a message.

But the stress of all that is getting to me and I really don't need that on top of everything else. I found it really hard to cope with Pam without getting upset and/or angry. Also Emmeline wants to sign me up for their bank and that means paperwork which I don't feel I can cope with at the moment. The idea of 3 months feeling like this is horrendous . I am so tired this morning despite a good nights sleep. I don't care what the blood tests show I am sure my thyroid isn't working at full pace.

I am also beginning to feel I should have walked away from this weeks work when Carl rang me.

I have confirmed HCL are under investigation by the NHS fraud squad. Although Anita said it is a subsiduary company and nothing to do with the pharmacy section at all. Is the ROH decision to stop using them going to spread? The news actually broke a month ago so I wonder what prompted the manager at ROH to take action now?

Would I be better able to cope with being in the middle of this if I wasn't still getting my head round my health problems? Don't know - and reality is where I am now. I have to love 'what is' as Byron Katie would say.

I feel almost sick at the thought of going into work today - that isn't good. My instincts are screaming at me to run away and hide. But I can't hide for 3 months and I can't afford not to have ANY work for 3 months and that is what may happen if I tell both agencies and ROH what I really think about them at the moment. I should have walked away the moment I was asked to lie to HCL. But I didnt and I am now paying the price for that.

But I know I am not reacting normally to this situation. I need to avoid HCL but be available to the hospital if they ring. I will keep my phone off but check my voice mail regularly. Anita may leave a message - but the hospital WILL leave a message.

I will give work another day. I still reserve the right to back out if I can't take the stress.