I might as well write about how I feel at the moment. Puttig it down in print may help me. I've just been thinking about next Saturday when Steve and i are HOPING to persuade Edna to take a little trip down the road to the cafe for lunch. I am convinced she will find an excuse not to go - and f she does I'm going to feel I've failed her. To be honest I feel I've failed so many people. I failed Alan, I failed - or disappointed - Mum, I falied Steve in some ways by not handling the divorce form Alan better. I fialed Steve by buyin g a house so close to Alan. I feel I failed the Women's, I feel like a total f****ing failure.
I can't even say today went badly at work - it didn't. I haven't had a brilliant day, food has got away from me a bit, I haven't 'moved my body' as much as I would have liked but I've tried.
I think the problem is I am convinced that Friday is going to go badly. Either they won't offer me anything decent, or they won't be repared to be at all flexible as regards my hours. The bottom line is I can do a full time job - when full time means 37 and a half hours a week. What I can;t do is work lots of extra time by staying late to finsih work in the dispensary and then try ans scrabble to take it back as TOIL. I will be exhausted. But I don't think they will be prepared to give me any flexibility under IWL. I know Emily can't understand why an 8a job at SOH should be so much less stressful than my joib at BWH.
Oh God its all so crap at the moment. I am back at the 'I want to run away' stage. Maybe it would be beter to just chuck it in at the hospital and go as a locum for a while. Then maybe I could get my head in order. But running away won't solve anything.
AARRGGGHHHHH. I am so fed up. Hope I feel better in the morning
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