F day -3

3 days to the funeral. I just want it to be over. I am having to face the fact that Tony is not willing to come with us. He is so fed up at the moment. He has said, and I beleive him, he just wants all the crap sorted out. HOW DOES HE THINK I FEEL ABOUT IT.

Not sure how to deal with this at the moment. I am in a prime mood to have a row with someone, and since I can't argue with the people I am really upset with (Tony and Jane) I must be careful I don't have a row with someone who dosn't deserve it.I am thinking of keeping out of everyone's way today.

Jane is upsetting me because she is so endlessly busy and trying to organise me as well as everyone else, and if I'm honest I hate the over sentimental tone of the funeral. It is going to be a very religious service, with 3 hymns 3 HYMNS . Who des she think is going to sing? OK part of this is gult because Alan's funeral was organised in such a different way and I feel guity that some of things I think should have been done were not done - but that funeral was for Steve and Edna. My guilt is my problem not Jane's and I musn't transfer the feelings to Jane,

I am releived that she seems to have realised she is going to need more than a week off work to deal with her feelings. I feel sorry for Bob - but he has had years to learn how to cope with her, and I am sure he will reign her in if she goes over the top. I can understand why Steve and Tony are intimidated by him - but he does love Jane and does care for her and I can forgive him for being intimidating because he does that

I just hope the tone of the eulogy will have been left more or less as I wrote it, and she has agreed to include vs 28 for the reading - and thats the bit I am doing. So I do feel I have had some inut to the ceremony.

I really wish I could just vanish for a week then come back and find everything had been sorted out. I need to do some shopping today. I want to get a new chain for Mum's cross as I want to wear it on Tuesday and I want to look for a suitable outfit. I can always wear my black suit but I'd like a new top.

I may just take all day to do the shopping, and may just go somewhere other than Northfield - maybe Redditch ? I really don't fancy the city centre - but maybe it would be good to go there.

I need to get moving or I won't do anything.