Getting metaphysical

I have spent a lot of this morning wondering about how Mum will be, and looking for the strength and ability to cope with what I suspect is going to be a difficult day. Inevitably I ave looked to my spiriual resources such as they are. I realise I started this 2 days ago when I wrote in the prayer request book in the chapel at work. My request to Tammy and Rachel that they include Mum in their prayers was of course also a request for help for me.

I have realised this morning that I can't tackle any of the issues that worry me, without looking at the spiritual dimension. Essentially I can't change my external circumstances without changing me as well. This goes to the heart of 'Change your life in 7 days' which is about changing the way you perceive things. And the key is knowing who you really are. This is at the core of all the major religions. Until you know yourself, you cannot be true to yourself. And you cannot be truly happy unless you ARE being true to yourself Do I really 'know' myself yet?

I don't know - but I suspect I am on a journey where I will find out. Getting mastery over food is as much a part of this journey as deep philosophical meditation. One reason why I am dreading today's visit is that I feel Mum implanted my negative self image by always worrying so much about my weight. They say the best compliment you can pay your mother is to want to be just like her. I cannot imagine anything worse. I feel my Mum, and Edna, both made fundamental mistakes that I in no way wanted to repeat with Steve. It doesn't mean I don't love Mum, but it makes me wonder if I've been as good and caring a daughter as I should have been.

Lets be honest I feel guilty. I feel guilty I haven't kept in touch with Mum more, I feel guilty Jane has shouldered the burden of caring for Mum, I feel guilty that Jane and I are not close, that I've drifted out of contact with my nephews. I don't really feel part of the family any more and its my fault................or is it? Is ths just my poor self image surfacing?

I am going to feel a proper fool if this visit goes well, and Mum goes on to get a telegram from the Queen on her 100th birthday. But I clearly need to confront these isses whatever happens. And unless I DO confront these issues, I'm not going to deal with the more superficial issues like my weight and decding about my future job. Or am I just taking psychobabble and trying to sound wise?

It is so sad that all I can think is in 6 hours time I should be on my my way back home. I hate myself sometimes.