Doh!!!!

Tiredeness has been a big factor over the past few days, and I haven't been sleeping well. So last night I decided to take a zopiclone 3.75mg. I woke ( as I thought) jist before 7 (the time I'd set the alarm) so got up and did all the usuual things. It wasn't until I sat down with thre my breakfast (I was VERY hungry) and turned on the TV that I realised it was only just past 6.00. As Homer Simpson would say Doh!!!

I am hungrier this morning than I have been for some time, and its hit a lot earlier. Normally at 6 I'd be thirsty but not yet ready for breakfast. It is a real effort of will to eat slowly as well. Something isn't right this morning. It could be my body's reactio to yesterdays lapses, I suppose it could be due to the zopiclone, it could also be an emotional reaction to the unpleasant dream I had just before waking. I need to be very careful with food today and really go back to basics to re-estanlish my control of food. I am NOT going to let it manage me. I think the key is water and lots of it. Sadly I think I'll be needing lots of it to wash down analgesics today :-(

I've just swigged down my morning cocktal (2 paracetamol, 1 Ibuprofen, and 1 lansoprazole to prevent the heartburn caused by the Ibuprofen) with a mug fall of water. I am determined I am not going to eat anything else for at least an hour. This isn't real hunger; its that nervous hunger I thought I had got rid of. Why is it back?

This is a real blow - but maybe its a good think becasue I was beggining to get complacent - as yesterday's lapses showed. I haven't listend to the tape for days. I have plenty of time this morning before I go to work. Maybe I should use half an hour it for that? Or maybe I need to work out what has triggerred this very emotional response and decide what i am going to do about the situation to correct it.

So what is making me worried at the moment?

1) Mum - about which I can do nothing except pray.
2) Finances. Now this is one I can do something about by actually making sure I know exactly what my outgoings are and what my disposable income actually is. I need to stop being a coward.
3) The result of the meeting about my future at work. What is the absolute worse case scenario? I take early retirment, and leave the hospital completely . I'm not going to be without work because locums are still needed. I am not going to be toally reliant on a pension. I am caable of working as a pharmacist for at least 30 hours a week . I guess in a snall dispensary based job, as long as I could sit down, I would manage full time. So I am not going to be in a situation where I cannot get work. If I retire I will have 3 months to sort out new employment anyway.
4) Edna. Clearly I need to spend more time with her. But it can be at a time when Tony is in bed so it doesn't eat into family time.

Obvously my brain has been working on this already so my original Mclenna training still works.

I AM IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE - EVENTS ARE NOT IN CONTROL OF ME. THERE IS NO NEED FOR COMFORT EATING

Making this entry has been therapeutic - and if I hadn't mistaken the time I wouldn't have had the time to make it. Things do happen for a reason.