Next move

I had my ultrasound scan on Monday afternoon. Yesterday (Wednesday ) I got a phone call from my GP asking me to make an appointment to go in and see her. This is obviously so she can tell me officially that I am being referred to the thyroid clinic for a biopsy. I do find it significant that she a) wants to discuss it with me in person and b) felt it needed phone contact rather than waiting for a letter to reach me. It implies a level fr urgency.

I have sinced done a little more research about thyroid nodules and have found out they are very common. At age 50 50% of the popluation will have them, By age 60 that rises to 60%. So I would be unusual if I didn't have any nodules at my age. But they can be a problem in 3 ways. They may produce thyroid hormone. If large they may press on other structures an cause problems. And in 5% of people they may be malignant.

So almost exactly 2 years after my episode of post menopausal bleeding sent my rushing off to the GP I am back in a similar position of being rushed through 'in case its cancer'

I always cite that thankfully short lived scare as the start of our two thousand and hate problems. I think the similarities between the two episodes are really getting to me. Part of me thinks this could be the full stop - ending the bad times in the way it began. Part of me wonders if I can be lucky again.

If it is malignant it is very very curable (not just treatable) and I am not going to be facing anything horrendous. But not knowing is getting to me and I really hope they give me an early date. All thsi could well interfere with my course, and of course keep me off work for a bit.

I have a huge feeling of unfairness about all this. Just as things were going well THIS has to happen.

Part of me knows I am really overreacting to this. The other part of me just wants to curl up and scream

Health issues

A few weeks ago I noticed a lump in my neck. Following blood tests that were all normal I was sent for an ultrasound. Yesterday I had the ultrasound. Luckily for me instead of being done a radiographer , when the results would have to be seen on and reported by a radiologist, yesterdays clinic was being run not only by a radiologist - but a radiologist who knew me through my time at QE. So I got the result then and there instead of having to wait for my GP to tell me.

I have nodules on my thyroid. Apparently about 50% of the population do. But the lump I spotted is caused by a large nodule. Because of its size I have to have a needle aspiration biopsy 'to look at some of the cells' My guess is that depending on what they find I may be facing at least a partial thyroidectomy.

Could it be cancer? I guess it can't be ruled out -although Julie Olliffe was very direct to re-assure me it wasn't anything 'dire' (my word) when I tired to get a little more information out of her. Pre-cancerous cells is a possibility I guess.

I am not going to sit here and say I am totally unconcerned about this. But I am not panicking and not totally stressed out about it. I hope I get a quick referral. If I am right and this is all about catching problems early I shouldn't have to wait too long.

If I am facing surgery I need to be in the best possible health physically , mentally, and spiritually so have no excuse for not still sticking to me food and exercise priorities.

thinking yourself thin

I know from personal experience how powerful our thoughts and imagination are. It has always been a source of frustration to me that after CYLI7D helped me so much, ICMYT really didn't help as much. I still feel keeping my weight stable during my two years of disaster was as much of a triumph as the fact that I stayed sane, focused and didn't go back on anti depressants. And I know ICMYT has changed my attitude to exercise. But I have been disappointed that I will not have kept one of my new year goals - to lose 7 lbs.

But since doing that 'inner child' exercise and realising I really WAS thin in those days something has happened to me. My biscuit consumption is down. I am eating slower than I was (but still not slow enough) and I have been better motivated to exercise. A few days ago I had the idea of exercising during ad breaks when I was watching tv. I haven't done it much - but may do it more today. Also I know I will be moving my body more in the new year when I am back at work - especially as I will be walking to and from work. And I feel more optimistic than ever before that following Paul's rules will become easier and that I really WILL lose weight. I am actually expecting to lose some weight BEFORE Christmas - which I would have regarded as an impossibility before.

I have even been motivated to cook a bit more. Yesterday the idea for dinner was tinned ravioli and chips. What we actually had was some gournet tortelline I had in the freezer, with some fresh vegetables stir f ried with italian seasoning, and chips. I always intended to cook last night instead of having a takeaway - but normally I would have just opened tins and packets.

Something feels very different. It must be as I am also blogging - something that I haven't been doing as regularly.

Hypnotherapy

Last week I was on a course doing the first of four modules that will enable me to work as a hypnotherapist. I was worried when I first signed up for it that a week of study would turn my brain to mush so I didnt book the other 3 modules . I wanted to guage how much time to leave between each one. What happened was I felt so inspired and so enjoyed it that I have booked up to do the last three at the earliest opportunity . It wasn't study - it was a week of thinking 'Thats what Paul McKenna did/said' or 'Now I understand why Paul did/said that sort of thing' The other students I worked with all complimented me on my voice and delivery when I was taking them into hypnosis. When I have the full qualification I will be working with people to help them and using my counseling skills, my intuition, and my spirituality. What more could I want?

As if to affirm that I am on the right track, the universe has just given me the perfect locum booking starting in the new year. 22 hours a week, on a schedule that doesn't interfere with my voluntary reiki work at the hospice, at the Woodlands - so I can walk to work. And it is ongoing until they fill a vacancy (I presume the one left by Emma leaving) If I could have ordered the perfect locum I couldn't have done better!! It will be for at least 3 months - because whoever they appoint will probably have to give 3 months notice.

So I am on a high. Simultaneously I am also coping with some 'issues' Inevitably when training in a therapy to help people deal with their issues, you end up during the training exploring any issues you have. Nick (the trainer) did a session with a real patient -who happened to want help with a weight issue. That got me thinking and I did in fact ask Nick if he could suggest some help for me out of what I now believe is my stumbling block. I cannot 'see' myself thin. As a child Mum was always telling me I was fat so I don't have an image of myself as thin when I was young. And the only recent photo I have of myself at a reasonable weight was taken when Steve was a toddler. Alan is in the photo too and I know how unhappy I was then so I don't WANT to step into that person. Shortly after I had that conversation with Nick we did an exercise to meet our inner child - and I was very surprised by who I met. I was teenager, wearing an outfit I remember quite well (because there was a photo of me wearing it) but I saw myself as thin. This gives me hope that I may be on the verge of a breakthrough. If I can see past Mum's vision of me (probably fueled by own poor image of herself) I may just start to get somewhere. The interesting thing is the day AFTER that, I felt motivated to go swimming before the course started. And I am seriously considering going swimming again today.

being self aware and self critical

Yesterday I read a Spark People article that said that working long hours causes people to gain weight. I disagree. It isnt the long hours it is the probably unhealthy lifestyle and possibly the persons response to stress that causes them to put weight on. At least that is how I see it.

I spent some time thinking about that, and then thought back to something that was said on my one day hypnosis course 'taster'. Unless the patient co-operates with the hypnosis - and with the techniques suggested to combat the problem - the treatment won't work.

I am currently NOT working, I am beginning to realise that money is NOT going to be a problem - and have actually turned down a 30.00 an hour booking because I didnt want to drive to Burton to work. I would have been exhausted. So I dont have those stresses - but I am NOT losing weight - because I am NOT sticking the rules that I know will help me.

This is MY fault - and I am not passing the buck. I felt the Sparkpeople piece was giving permission to pass the buck and blame their work for their weight problems.

Yesterday I did 15 minutes jogging and 30 minutes swimming . I have been doing better with exercise recently and I am swimming a lot more. I am drinking more. but I am still not eating slowly. I am still not listening to what my body is really telling me about food.

What are the stress points in my life?

Krystal Wolf isnt progressing
I still have the lump in my neck
I am still a bit anxious about money especially now I am about to have my Wednesdays taken up with volunteering at the hospice

Am I being sanctimonious in my response to the Sparkpeople article? What right do I have to be critical of others when I am not a shining success myself?

Am I getting anywhere?

It doesn't feel like it at the moment. I am still trying hard to eat slowly and drink more water. I am certainly doing better with both but still feel I am not doing as well as I can.But it takes time to get into habits- and I am determined these are going to become habits.

The lump on my neck isn't due to a normal type of thyroid problem according to my GP. My thyroid finction tests were normal - but the lump is probably a euthyroid lump and may be caused by reduced iodine intake due to me using a salt substitute that isn't iodized. My BP is fine so something is going wright - but how ironic is it that a move I make for health reasons has possibly CAUSED a health problem. Its all a question of balance I suppose

I am at work today in Leamington so am up earlier than normal. I am having some breakfast - and I know I am not going to finish tje bowl partly becasue of time constraints but also because I am no longer hungry - but I wasn't that hungry to start with. I just know I will hungry later if I DON'T eat now.

In fact I feel over carbed this morning - and I didnt eat much fruit and veg yesterday I have to admit. Toast, cheese on toast and cous cous were my main foods. On the plus side I didnt do any snacking.

I think I need a nive vegetarian meal tonight to provide some balance (and fibre!!)

Why I don't lose weight

I have been thinking since Sunday about why I dont stick to Paul's rules and why I don't lose weight. This has of course been triggered by Sundays course. (And I have booked myself on the full 4 module course !!) when we discussed why hypnosis DOESN'T always work. I have experience of both. It worked when I did CYLI7D, it hasn't worked to kelp me lose weight, with the same hypnotist using the same techniques (techniques I will soon be in a position to use professionally! )

Hypnosis isn't a passive therapy - it is an active therapy. The client HAS to co-operate both with the hypnosis and with their actions afterwards. Clearly I am not co-operating with actions afterwards. Which means I am getting something from my unhelpful and unhealthy choices like eating too many biscuits - as I did last night. Part of me doesn't WANT to lose weight. I have to find out why.

Something to think about as I continue to stick with my attempts to drink more water and eat more slowly.

Hypnosis

I went an a course about hypnosis yesterday and it ended up as a very bad eating day for me. Too many biscuts at the course and when I got home Tony was unwell and didnt feel like eating a proper meal so we just had baked pototo. Since this was what I had an saturday night too - followed by a late night pertion of chips picked up as I drove home form a bonfire party - I think I am suffering from carb overload. I feel very sluggish this morning.

I certainly haven't had much fruit or veg.

I am sitting here feeling simultaneously full and hungry. The top bit of me feels hungry - the bottom bit feels full. But I have no idea what I want to eat - and I don't think it is real hunger. So I am drinking coffee, water and fruit juice.

Yesterdays corse has got me thinking about why CYLI7D worked for me but ICMYT didn't. I have no doubt something useful will come out of this process.

In the meantime the day when I will get the results of the blood tests and find out what the lump in my neck is is now very close. It will be this week. I can't deny I am anxious. Its not paralysing anxiety. I am still functioning very normally. But I am constantly aware of the lump mentally. Physically I can see and touch it but but am not aware of it physically unless I do see and /or touch it . It doesn't hurt .But it is always there at the back of my mind.

I am determined to continue with my goals of eating slowly and drinking more. I am doing better with water, and I am eating slower than I was .

I just have to keep going.

I am feeling pretty grumpy today - but trying to work through it without having an argument with anyone.

I am doing MUCH better with drinking water and yesterday evening I ate my meal much slower than I have been doing. I guess practice does make perfect. Well not perfect but I feel I am moving in the right direction.

I am trying to be very constructive in what I do and how I think. But its tricky when at the back of my mind I am wondering what is going to happen if the blood test does NOT indicate a thyroid problem

Safety valve

This blog is really the only place where I can own up to exactly how fed up I am at the moment. Well moaning on here is much better for me than comfort eating. All I can think is about the things that haven't happened

I still havent done my accounts
I am still not drinking enough water
I am still not eating slowly enough
I still haven't got any reiki clients
Exercise was going OK - but the wii fit board decided to play up and I switched the whole system off in disgust after doing 2 yoga exercises very badly.

I am worried about Tony because he didnt feel up to going out last night. Yesterday should have been our return to Wolverhampton and Gill and Darren. But he did 20 minutes on the wii fit (grr the board worked for him of course) and ended up really tired. He also didn't look well and I am worried his wound isn't healing as it should .

I am also worried about the lump in my neck. This morning I feel listless, lethargic, fed up. I didnt sleep well and one point my right hand felt the way it used to when I had carpal tunnel syndrome. Of course that is another symptom that fits the hypothyroid diagnosis I have made for myself. But that could well be a psychosomatic reaction so I dont trust it.

My IBS is still grumbling along. No pain but some discomfort. I have the feeling I should be taking Movicol on a more regular basis. But that could just be my mind playing tricks on me about what my guts actually are doing..

I am scared of life at the moment - and I think I am building walls around me to protect me. But those walls are cutting me off from people. I can feel myself retreating into myself, not wanting to bother anyone.

I have GOT to get to grips with how I am feeling and deal with it sensibly.

Waiting

Yesterday food went OK ish but not brilliant. Having done 25 minutes on the wii fit I got an unexpected extra half an hour of walking when I made a quick trip to the GP

I was washing my hands in the cloakroom where we have a mirror and suddenly thought 'It looks as if I have a goitre' Then another look and I realised the lump was on the side of my neck. I have too much knowledge to ignore a lump on my neck which is why I ended up going to the GP. She sent me for blood tests which I had at the Katie Road walk in clinic. Reassuringly she didn't rule out a thyroid problem despite the position. But she did mention the Neck Lump clinic at the QE depending on what the blood results show. As well as Thyroid she is checking liver, renal bone(?) and the normal markers of infection plus a general blood count. This lump could be anything from an infection through to lymphoma with a lot of things in between. I am hoping my initial reaction was a psychic one .

If I do have an under active thyroid it would explain the poor sleep, and the weight gain.

Despite worries about the lump and me wondering if Tony has a wound infection I did make a start on my accounts.

I am still not eating slowly enough but I am doing a lot better with water. I also still tend to snack when I am not really hungry inthe evenings when I am tired. I think I am I am wondering if that is the key to this. If I am less tired I will be more thoughtful about what I eat.

Feeling fed up

Yesterday wen't fairly well I suppose. I did 20 minutes wii fit jogging, and some 'down on my hands knees moving furniture' cleaning. Cleaning wasn't on my list for yesterday, but I spotted much at the edge of the rug and ended up cleaning under the rug , the settee and one armchair, That not only gave me some exercise but did contribute to my desire not to fritter away these days when I am not working.

I did also put in some work on getting my business account sorted out ready to send to the accountant. However I didnt do as much as I hoped.

I gave up on being dynamic early afternoon as I was quite tired, and to be honest fed up. I was overwhelmed with dissatisfaction at my lack of success recently.

I didnt drink as much water as I intended - but this morning I have already drunk almost a 1 litre. I woke very thirsty again this morning,

Food was ok ish. I did manage to eat slower - but I know I still need to slow down even more. I still did some mindless snacking - but it takes time to break these sorts of habits and today is another day.

I didnt meditate - and that is something I know I need to deal with

This morning apart from thirsty I feel sleepy - but not tired. I did sleep better last night. My IBS is still registering - and i am not sure what I should do. I feel quite bloated as well. I have the normal pain in my thigh. I do still feel a bit fed up - but I am determined. I have a few things going for me to keep me focussed. One of the things keeping me focussed is that I have lots of fresh vegables aorund that need to be sued before they go off - and another box will be dleivered tomorrow. So I have the excuse to get very creative in the kitchen and produce food that is healthy and nutritious. I think a vegetarian stew could be on the menu later in the week.

So today I am going to focus on - and do better - with drinking water, and with eating slowly.

Post wii fit entry

I did 25 minutes on the wii fit including an island lap in 10 minutes. I did a body test before I began and according to the wii fit I have put on a pound since my last test a couple of days ago. This shows how meaningless daily weighing is . I have no doubt that extra pound was due to the large amount of water I drank this morning. I drank 20 ounces of water in one go ( a pint) . So I don't feel worried. In fact if I hadn't drunk all that water just before I did the test it may well have shown a slight loss.

So I actually feel quite encouraged. My weight is going in the right direction and my wii fit age which was registered as being over 70 due to problems I had with tests - is down to 46 again.

keeping focussed

Today marks a watershed in a couple of ways. It is the first weekday of my long run with no planned pharmacy work. It is also the first weekday or more or less normal functioning for Tony after his op. Tonight we are having our normal game, and we are going over to Wolverhampton on Wednesday. Also last night for the second night in a row it was past midnight when he went to bed.

So the next few weeks should now be focussed on building up reiki/card clientel. The trouble is I dont feel up to doing it. I feel crap this morning. I am also acutely aware of a number of things I need to focus on with regard to me and my health.

I am not sleeping well at all. Last night I woke with a very dry mouth and a coughing fit. This is a sign of rampant hiatus hernia believe it or not. I presume this is another signal of the weight I have put on.

I am doing better with exercise now. The wii fit is back in daily use - and I can avoid the vagaries of the board by doing things like jogging that dont need it.

Water drinking has been a disaster - and I hope the memory of last night will keep me focussed on that. Npt only will it help prevent the dry mouth but it will also help me train my bladder. As part of the coughing fir episode I headed to the bathroom feeling as if I needed the loo and I only passed about 250ml. This is half what a full bladder should be able to contain. Drinking lots of water will train my bladder to et used to holding larger amounts

My eating is out of control. I am not bingeing but I am eating far too fast and as a result eating far too much.

Yesterday I meditated for the first time in days

Basically I feel as if I am out on control and I know I have got to do something about it.

As I am typing this I have a glass of water that I am drinking. Listening to my body it feels bloated and I am aware of some IBS pain. My stomach feels full - but I feel hungry - which is absurd. I feel very tired, I am aware of discomfort in my right thigh (this was also part of what kept me awake last night) I wish I knew what this pain was. It has been happening for more than a year now. I am 90% sure it is muscular but why THAT muscle and never another one? And why does it only ever start in bed?

I need to break down the task facing me into bite sized chunks so I dont get overwhelmed - which is rather how I do feel. As well as my health issues, I also have to do get my business accounts sorted out - and I am scared something horrible is going to show up. "Scared' eally resonated with me as I typed it. I am scared about the future - another sign that I have lost control - or feel I have lost control - of my life.

So I have got to GET control of my heath issues and my fears.

Today I am going to drink lots of water, and eat slowly. In fact I will focus on those two things for the next two weeks.

Today I will make a start on getting my accounts onto the spreadsheets.

I will use the wii fit (That is already becoming a habit again)

I will take 30 minutes to do my spiritual thinks like meditation and prayer

That all feels manageable for today.

Skin

Yesterday I think I did OK. I drank 6 cups of water and my normal amount of hot drinks. But I avoided sugar.I ate lots of fruit and vegetables. Lunch was a cheesy baked potato followed by a banana and a small apple. I will own up to also having a 'coffee kisses' cake - only a small oneDinner was sliced beaf with vegetables and gravy Dessert was fresh pineapple and kiwi fruit with fresh lime juice and some yoghurt

No biscuits, no choclate.

I also did a second wii fit session of 20 minutes free step in the evening while watching tv.

During the day at work they kindly gave me a mini makeover with their Jane Iredale make up. the results were good - and I think I am going to treat myself to some.

It matters how we look on the outside - and one of the most visible signs of my improved self esteem is that I do take toruble over my clothes and facial skin care is now part of my routine. The skin on your face is the most visible part of you so I knwo ti makes sense to care for it.

Its the skin on my feet that is casing problems tho. For some reason I have cracks on both feet whihc makes walking painful. Feet take a lot of battering especially when you are overweight. I have been a bit lax caring for mine recently and I haven't moisturised them. Its really only been since Tony was taken ill - it doesn't take long.I am concerned tho. I ahve never had both feet affected so badly at the same time. It skewed by wlaking test on the wii fit - and gave me a wii fit age of 71!!

This morning I started with god intentions. I have drunk some water I have dine a body test - which showed my weight has gone up. I was then working through a wii fit plus routine when the board 'lost communication' Grrr. I will NOT be deflected.

Time to stop fooling myself

Yesterday I used the wiifit and did a body test. I also stepped o the scales. Reality is I have put on over half a stone since I last weighed myself.

Intuitive eating and listening to your body is what I have been trying to do. In reality I have been listening to my head. Recently I have been eating chocolate bars, and too large portions of food. I also haven't been exercising as much I used to. I suspect the rot set in once I was no longer training for the Race for Life.

The uncertainty over work and finances , the lack of progress with getting my reiki going, and in the last week Tony being ill have not helped.

What I do NOT need to do is go on a starvation diet, start counting calories, try to do a tough work out every day, or panic. What I DO need to do is get back to basics and concentrate on Pauls 4 golden rules again. I ned to remind myslef that I am in control of my life, my health, and me.

There is no diet I lack energy at the moment and that tiredness has been a factor in my lack of exercise as well as lack of time. I also have not been meditating as consistently as I used to for the same reasons. I am tired so I dont get up early enough so I run out of time...............

A healthy mind and a healthy body are symbiotic-they depend on each other. I will never get my body in order if my mind s all over the place.

Being brutally honest my mind set is set for failure again. I think it has been set that way for some time. I think that is what I need to addressmost urgently

The aftermath

Well its Monday again. Tony was actually home on Thursday so I had hardly any time on my own. But he hasn't felt like eating normally. This has been quite good for me because I have been inspired to cook things to tempt him and as a result have eaten fairly healthily. But I have eaten biscuits and chocolate too.

But I still have the image of the woman I saw in the waiting room.

Yesterday I used the wii fit for the first time in 11 days. Only 20 minutes step aerobics but its a start. Today I am at work and will be walking to and from work - but this is the last couple of days of this booking. Wednesday and Thursday I am at Sutton Coldfield so its back to the car.

I am feeling more motivated - but caring for Tony has left me totally knackered!

Sometimes you just need chocolate

Tony got admitted to hospital yesterday as an emergency with appendicitis. Yesterday I ate porridge, a peanut butter sandwich, 4 chocolate digestive biscuits, a plum and 4 squares of fruit and nut chocolate. I didnt really have time to eat - and for four hours I was sitting in the ward with Tony who was not allowed to eat or drink because of his surgery . I was hungry and thirsty but wasn't going to torment Tony by doing either in front of him

When I came home to collect some stuff for him I had very little time so grabbed something quick. I also needed the comfort factpr of the chocolate

I am now facing 2 or 3 days on my own - and this is going to be a HYGE challenge for me to eat healthily. If its just me I never bother to cook properly.

But yesterday when we were in the waiting room at the Doctors the patient before us was an elderly overweight woman who needed a zimmer frame to walk with and had very swollen legs . When she was out of earshot I actually said to Tony' There is no way IO want to end up as overweight and immobile as that woman'

I must keep that in my mind over the next few days and remember I AM worth taking time over to cook meals and eat good food

On the positive side I didnt eat ALL the biscuits or ALL the chocolate which I would have done a few months ago.

I have just had breakfast (the second portion of porridge I made yesterday that Tony didn't eat) I have sorted out some laundry and have plans for today before I go to to visit Tony (I should be at work today but am NOT going.

It is this evening I am worried about. That is when I will be at risk of comfort eating

Being accountable

I have a blogger friend who has recently found herself in a very bad place and is feeling very down. She re-started her blog the other day so that she will be accountable to any readers. But she commented she didn't even know if she cared if anyone was reading. Blogging forces you to think about what you are doing, and why. Reading it reminds you where you have been and where you are going. If you don't get to where you wanted you then have to work out why. Having it all down in black and white (or whatever colour scheme you have chosen) does male it more real, more official.

I guess I can relate to my friends situation and reason for blogging. I feel as if I am in a rut not making progress with the things that I think are important. Blogging reminds me what I am trying to do and why. I have to account to myself - not always a comfortable process - even if no-one else is reading.

One of the hardest things to accept is that if you want something in your life to change YOU have to take action. Being accountable for your life means accepting that you have responsibility for it. No-one else made me fat. I put the food in my mouth. OK I can list psychological issues that made me take refuge in food but I was the one who comfort ate.

As I write this I am watching the rescue of 33 chilean miners who have been trapped underground for nearly 10 weeks. Their situation puts my gripes into perspective. So being accountable for your actions isn't the only important thing. IMO we are also accountable for the choices we make and our priorities. Is it really worth getting stressed out because the house isn't as tidy as you would like? Is there REALLY no time in the schedule to meditate, go for a walk, or do something important for your mental and spiritual health?

I am accountable for these choices in my life. Blogging helps me keep things in perspective

New week new start

I haven't blogged for ages. But today my FB status was all about the new week being a blank canvass that I wanted to make special. I obviously am feeling motivated.

I know my eating has sipped - and certainly my exercise routine has slipped although I am currently working within walking distance so that is what I am doing. But that will only be the next 2 weeks.

I feel I need a review of where I am and where I want to go so I can get back on track with my health goals - although my health is quite good. My weght however is stuck Mind you I haven't weighed myself for weeks - but I feel fat - and I am sure many people can relate to that feeling.

I still know that Pauls programme will work if I stick to the rules. I just need to work out ahy I can't stick to the rules. they are not hard really.

I will do a review of where I am with my goals later today.

Out of the rut?

For the past four weeks I have been stuck in 'survival' mode. My priority was working out a strategy to survive full time working until the booking at Solihull ended. I mad efforts to keep up with the wiif fit -often thwarted by the board breaking down. But however good my intentions on Monday by Wednesday I would be feeling too tired and lethargic to do more than 10 minutes.

'Eating what you want' was a breeze. Biscuits, chips, chocolate. But to be fair I haven't binged or gorged. Breakfats have bene generally healthy. Lunch has varied depending on whether I managed to prepare my own to take to work. Dinners haven't been home cooked - or cooked by me - as much as is necessary to make them as healthy as I would like.

But to be fair listening to my body has become a habit. If I wasn't hungry in the mornings - as has happened more often recently - I didnt have breakfast. I would make sure I had some fruit toast or a cereal bar handy to munch when I did get hungry.

But now the contract at Solihull is finished and I am taking a break from pharmacy. I am going to give myself time to focus on getting a reiki practice built up. It hasn't happened until now for all sorts of reasons. Inexperience at advertising a service, lack of time to advertise it but mainly because I haven't been giving it my full attention. I haven't really focussed on it. And one of the first lessons I learned four years ago is if you want something you have to focus on it.

So for the next 3 to 6 months that is exactly what I am going to do.

I realised during the past 7 weeks I find hospital pharmacy as it is practiced now soul destroying. I use the term deliberately. Destroying my soul is very bad for my mind and body.

During the past 7 weeks I have also forged a link with the hospice I hope will become permanent, discovered I have more of a talent for oracle cards than I thought I had, realised oracle card readings are a way of healing with words.

Sadly I still have bouts of self pity, self hatred, and self doubt. But what I also have is confidence that my plans for the next few months are practical helpful and right for me - my soul my mind and my body.

So here I sit tired after 7 weeks of full time work, with no timetable for the first time in weeks. I feel tired, but hopeful that I am out of the rut and that I am still on track

Trusting the scales

The scales are a very deceitful peice of equipment because 'weight' is such a nebulous thing. Fluctuations of less than 2lb (!Kg) are meanigless. Except they can have a devestating effect when you are watching the figure on the scale. Thats why I dont weigh myself regulalry. I am also afraid of what the scales may say.

On Saturday I needed to weigh a cat so I had to step on the scales - and to my amazement it registered half a stone ( (about 3Kg) lighter than I was expecting. Not only through but well below the 14st barrier . I am not sure I believe it. I did a body test on the wii fit and it showed I had stayed static - but interestingly below the 14st barrier still.

But at the very least my poor food management and lack of exercise hasn't caused me to puy ON weight - and that is a big boost.

This morning I used the wii fit - and jogged. I did an island lap -something I would have been unable to face last week.

I may not trust the scales on a day to day basis - but over the long term they show trends - and the ternd is in the right direction

Feeling better

This morning I had the energy to exercise and use the wii fit. I not only exercised but I did 20 minutes. I am confident my food management will be better today too. I am feeling mUCH more positive. I do hope it continues

First steps

Yesterday I officially volunteered as a reiki therapist at the hopsice. There is a long way to go. I will need a CRB check (unless I can retrieve mine from the agency gggrrrr) But I have taken the first step. Unless they tunr me down at some point I will giving reiki in the hospice this year. I need to find out how many other Marie Curie hospces there are I could get to. Wolverhampton would be possible.

This doesn't override the overwhelming feeling of tiredness I have tis morning. I have had no response to my request to drop my hours to 30 a week. Probably because Natasha isn't there. Oh well its only a few weeks more.

AHP contacted me yesterday to ask how things were going at Solihull. I have told them I am only looking for short term sporadic work like the week at Leamington which was fine. So they will know the news this morning. I dont think they will too worried. I suspect that soon they will have too many locums on their book anyway.

Keeping positive at the moment is tricky because I am so tired.I know I am eating emotionally and it is doing me no good at all. And I am too tired to use the wii fit regulalrly.

If I am to change me so I can lose weight I ahve got to change my life so I can do it. Its as simple as that

I have a dream

not as big as Martin Luther's dream of course but I have a dream for my future. It involves me = slim and energetic, working as a reiki therapist. Working with people not pieces of paper. One of the CYLI7D questions is 'What do you love to do so much you would pay to do it?' I realised after some soul searching over the weekend 'helping people' comes into that category. But at the moment Pharmacy isn't letting me do that in a way I can relate too. But my efforts to build a reiki business are so far foundering. But I want to use my reiki - so I have decided to volunteer to provide it at the hospice.

I have also decided I will never build a reiki business until I comit to it - so this booking will be my last. I am still happy to do odd weeks to cover but generally I dont want to be working 5 days a week.

Financially we can survive on my pension and the money in the bank. I would rather try and fail than regret never trying at all. I think my lack of commitment is one of the reasons for my lack of progress.

If I start making progress with that, who knows what will hapen to my eight?

The weekend is in sight

Only one more day to work this week - and I am SO glad. I am SO tired this morning. I can't face the wii fit, my attempts at meditation last night were a disaster and frankly food was also a disaster yesterday.

But one of the beauties of Pal's training is that after a day like that I dont feel like throwing in the towel, I just think I will try to do better today.

One of my cards yesterday was 'God Box' and I did spend my lunch time writing down all the things I am worrying about so I can put them in a 'God Box' and in theory stop worrying about them.

My CYLI7D training is still working even if' I can make thin' seems out of reach at the moment - but hey all I have to do is follow those 4 rules.............................

4 weeks of full time work has convinced me I can't do full time work any more. I just hope I have a chnace at this job at Worcester . 30 hours a week in a private hospital will be enough for me. I will be happier when I get some sort of response from them to say tey have received my application. I must try and get through to them today

Being realistic

This is something us people on journey's to health and fitness sometimes have problems with. Setting realistic goals, setting realistic exercise targets, actually being honest with ourselves about how much we DID eat and drink . Understanding why we do this can be useful in working out how we got to where we are in the first place - which may help us move on.

But sometimes the universe just gives you a message that is too clear to ignore and you have to face up to the hard facts.

My attack of realism is the fact that I am so very tired at the moment. I physically cann't work full time . I can short hours on a longe term basis or long hours on a short term basis but going back to full time work is not on the cards for me.

The universe has stepped in to teach me this lesson - by taking away the trip we were going to make to Leicester this weekend for a BBQ. The prospect of a weekend with nothing to do is very VERY appealing. However the universe is also waving a carrot under my nose of a permanent 30 hours a week job at a small private hospital in Worcester. It was put on the groups Intranet the day I turned up to work at another of the groups hospitals. So I have applied for it. Having some certainty of income will make my life much easier and help me to get to grips with all the issues I mentioned on Monday. I have finally reaslised I have been so focussed on work issues I havent focussed on the other issues hence the lack of progress. There is also a self image issue that I perceive myself to e a failure - when I may not be.

This morning I am so tired I can't face the wii fit at all. I am wondering if I am actually safe to try and cary on at Solihull seeing how tired it is making me. I may ask Natasha today if she has a cut off date for me yet.

Knowing how much longer they want me for will help me decide what to do

Three days in a row now I have needed the alarm to wake me up.

Yesterday food went MUC better and I did 30 minutes on the wii fit in the evening.This morning I have done 10 minutes and will do some more tonight.

I wonder if I will have the guts to do a body test soon?

Tuning in and listening

This morning for the second time in 2 days I needed the alarm to wake me up. I feel stiff, achy, have a twinge of sciatica.

Physically I am NOT good this morning at all. I am very VERY glad I am out at Little Aston for the next two days which is much less stressful than Solihull. My body is telling me a number of things. The first is don't go near the wii fit this morning. I have time to exercise tonight.

The second thing is that working full time is no longer on my agenda. When this stint at Solihull is over I am not accepting any more long term full time bookings.

Food yesterday went well until I got home. I had a biscuit fest last night. The four rules broke down when I had my dinner. Is it because I am tired? Was it because Richard was already here when I got home so I had an audience? And once the discipline had gone it was as if I thought oh what the hell.

A case of frustration

It is no comfort to know that every person on the journey to improved health and fitness will feel frustration at times.

Knowing other people have been where I am now doesn't help me get out of it.

I think it may help to list the sources of frustration so I can either see a common factor or can by listing them get some ideas for how to deal with things So here goes

I am not losing weight - but that is because I am not actually sticking to the 4 golden rules.
I am not making anu progress with my reiki
Although I have finally finished my OU course I am frustrated that I didn't do better. I know I want to go on and learn more but I don't think I have passed this course

I could go on but won't. And I dont have time to realy go into things now if I am going to get to work on time. Lack of time is another source of frustration.

My task for today is to work out if tere is a common factor to all these - and then blag about it.

One posaitive factor is I am looking at my bowl of cereal and thinking I can't possibly eat that much.

Reflection

I found myself looking back through my blog today to remind myself when Mum died. I knew the anniversary was very soon but I couldn't quite remember the date.

I have just found myself thinking about my reflective activity for my OU course ECA - in which I said I found reflective activity for learning hard to do.

This morning I went for a walk in (or rather ROUND) the park during which I found myself rather a lot of reflection about things.

I am doing rather a lot of reflecting at the moment. Which is interesting when I don't think I am that good at it.

So what has been the outcome of all my reflection? Well reading back through my blog has shown me I haven't made as much as progress as I would like. My life now is much MUCH better than it was 2 years ago or even a year ago. I have made progress in building a new life for myself. I have found a new direction for myself with the reiki. So WHY do I feel I am making no progress?

Well I still weigh the same, I still look the same and sadly I realise I still FEEL the same. I still have the same self image problems that have dogged me for years.

I need to work on this because I think this is what is stalling my progress with reiki .

Getting some discipline back

I am now in my third week of full time working. And I feel I am now into a routine. I have imposed some discipline on myself in the mornings. I realised Facebook was FAR too alluring and wasted far too much time. So I just dont go onto FB in the mornings.

So yesterday and today I have done a 20 minutes workout using the Wiifit plus routines, meditated and did my spiritual things. I organised all my sandwiches at the weekend so all I have to do is grab them in the mornings. In short I have got control of my life again.

Here's hoping I will see some improvement in my food management and maybe maybe even some weight loss?

Today is the day

Today is the Race for Life. I am committed to 'walk jog or run' 5K today on what is going to be the hottest day of the year so far. The temperature is predicted to hit 28 degrees. I have woken up in one those stiff moods with slight niggly back ache. Could there be worse omens for the race?

Except of course it is NOT a race. No-one but me cares about my time. I want to jog all of it - but have no intention of making myself ill by being too energetic if it gets too hot. Just 'moving my body' for the whole 5K will be an achievement.

So in a bit I will be putting on my green shorts and my bright pink Race for Life T shirt and covering myself with Factor 25 .

Wish me luck

New regime

OK so this is my first week of full time work. And I am having real problems fitting things in. Both the wii fit and the park are only sporadic, Meditation is down to nothing and even my card pics dont happen every day. Part of the problem is the early start at Leamington combined with the a busy week in the evenings. Things will be better next week when I will have a later start.

Also next week will be AFTER the Race for life so I wont be 'training' But that shouldn't be an excuse for not keeping up with my exercise plans.

I have looked at the weather forecast for Sunday and it is going to be REALLY hot. 27 degrees. I think that is going to have an effect on how much jogging I can do. I have no intention of making myself ill through the race. So if I walk most of it, I walk most of it.

I am getting in to the swing of things slowly - but things are not going as smoothly as I would have liked.

But I am moving a lot at work, lots of walking up and down stairs and food is good on the whole . Not totally bad news then

New me asked some questions

1. What would my perfect day consist of?
A lot depends on my mood. Sometimes it will be a day out with my partner in the sunshine looking at the countryside or an old building. Other times it will be a scary ghost hunt!.

2. How would you describe yourself if you were an item of clothing?
That comfy cuddly old mishapen jumper that you wear when you are relaxing at home

3. What hobbies are you currently working on?

Role playing games and paranormal/psychic stuff

4. Walking in the woods in wellies or barefoot on the beach?
Barefoot on the beach

5. Have you ever hugged or sang to a tree?
No

6. Growing your own veggies or nipping to supermarket?

Nipping to the supermarket :-(

7. Have you found anyone exciting in your family tree?
A formidable lady called Anne Halfacre my great great grandmother

8. Slap up meal in a posh restaurant or fish and chips from the wrapper?
Posh restaurant

9. Which element do you most resonate with, Earth, Air, Fire or water?
Water with a strong affinity for earth.

10. Do you believe in fairies?

Thats tricky. I can believe in nature spirits - which may just have wings.......

Good questions!

Your new life starts here

Well thats how it feels. Today is the day of the Natural Health Fair where I have a table and will be promoting my reiki services. Tomorrow I am back to work full time for the foreseeable future. No more lie ins. Lots of driving - certainly next week when I will be doing 60 miles a day . Finding time to fit in my OU, exercise ,meditation, and so on will be challenging. I can't even have a real rest next weekend because its the Race for Life.

I am very nervous about the health fair, whether I will get any bookings. I am concerned about how I am going to cope with full time work. I have got rather used to a sedate pace.

But I feel excited and challenged - and that must be a good sign. Things have been stagnant for so long.

When I had my massage Steve thought I had lost weight - in fact he was definite I had lost . He does seem to have a good memory for how my body feels when he massages it. I am not stepping on the scales however. I will not be bullied by a number. I much prefer to be bullied by a wii balance board that keeps very accurate account of how often I use it. I will do some aerobics before I go to the fair. My back sadly isn't yet up to a longer expedition to the park. It should have settled down by Tuesday and then I will be able to go jogging before I go to Leamington. Things will be MUCH easier when I am only going to Solihul - only 10 miles away - but the race will then be over. Will I have the same impetus to keep jogging? It is still going to be a health priority. Maybe I need to find other short races I can do to keep some momentum going.

Food is going OK on the whole. I am eating slower. Probably not slowly enough but things are moving in the right direction. And when I am back at work I know my food intake will go down and my exercise levels will go up. I will be on my feet at least 3 hours a day and probably a bit more.

So although I am sitting here thinking I really could have done with a lie in today as it is the last one I will get for nearly a week, on the whole I am happy with how I see things developing.

I must start to give my OU top priority. My final assessment needs to be done and posted by the 9th of July. That will be my lunchtime occupation when I am back at work.

As new lives go this one has quite a bit going for it. Things could be a LOT worse. But the important thing is I am in control. If Solihul really doesn't suit me I can leave.Nothing is written in stone. There is still a lot of flexibility.

Why am I more motivated now?

I am more motivated now. I know that because yesterday was a much better food day. I ate slowly and it does make a huge difference. I also achieved more generally. I got some much needed housework done and have the intention of doing some more today. In fact this morning as I was coming downstairs to feed the cats I found myself thinking that all I need to do is spend half an hour a day on specific area in the house that bothers me. After all its 30 extra minutes exercise if I do that.

So something has clicked in my mind - and I don't have a clue what.

Yesterday food went quite well. I did snack a bit during the game - but it was cereal bars. I did have some biscuits but a lot fewer than has been normal recently.

My official exercise went well too and included 20 minutes of jogging.

And almost as if to give me a pat on the back for being so motivated I also got some bookings for work. An extra day from the hospital in Sutton Coldfield and a massive surprise for next week is a full weeks work via the agency at a different private hospital - at a very satisfactory rate of pay.

A few weeks ago I had a tarot reading at a psychic fair. One of things she told me was that I will never be fabulously rich - but the money will keep coming in and will be there when I need it. This does feel like confirmation of that prediction.

My vision for my future was always a couple of days of week in a community pharmacy and some reiki work. I am now beginning to see a different future with occasional relief work in hospital supplementing my pension.

I am sure reiki will be there in my future - but I may need to rethink how I intend to offer it.

This isn't a case of feeling more motivated because things are going better. I was feeling better BEFORE I got the emails about the extra work. Things are going better because I am more motivated.

Does it matter that I don't know what as flipped the switch in my mind? I dont think it does.

Motivation

This is probably the hardest thing to do. Its certainly what I have been having problems with recently. But today for some reason I feel motivated to get on top of my food issues. I hope it lasts. No lets re-phrase that. I hope I can keep the motivation going.

But I am not sitting here thinking 'right that's it 1000 calories a day and no more biscuits' I am sitting here thinking. 'Right that's it I am going to listen to my body and I am going to eat SSSLLLLOOOOWWWWLLLLYYYY'

That is were I have been falling so badly to stick to Paul's rules.

One of the things that has been a recurring theme for me recently is that good health is more about a good diet and exercise than it is about weight loss. So the scales don't come into it. I don't have to cave in to the wii fits demands that I do a body test.My recent poor food control have been making me feel bad on the inside. I want to feel good on the inside. I actually don't need to know what I weigh to feel good.

Is it a coincidence that this new motivation has appeared when I feel I am making progress spiritually and psychically? No of course not.

Part of it is also that I am adjusting to my new life routine and am re-gaining my feeling of self worth.

I know from reading other blog posts that everyone on this kind of health journey goes through the sort of doldrums I have been through. Its nice knowing I am not alone - and will have the support of people who can say "been there done that got the T shirt . I got through it and so can you'

You all did it and so can I!!!!!

Change is horrible

At least this sort of change is. It feels horribly as if this could be how life is for the foreseeable future, and I can't see anyway to wrench back control and get my life how I want it.

I have big plans - a reiki business a couple of days a week plus some work as a community locum ,losing 3 stone in weight. And at the moment I am getting NOWHERE with ANYTHING.

It s so difficult to motivate yourself to do things when you have no real reason. About the only thing that is going well at the moment is exercise. I have done 30 minutes today. 10 minutes step plus, and island lap and 10 minutes free step. Jogging is now very regularly on my schedule - and I am really pleased. I can look at what I am doing with exercise and see success and improvement. But I can't help wondering what I will be like when I have done the Race for Life and have nothing to train for?

Yesterday my FB status was 'I am visualising success' I am indeed doing just that but I have realised I am visualising in a dissociated way rather than really getting inside the picture. At least that is something I can work on.

I never envisaged the sort of life I have now. But this is where all my plans seem to have put me. I just hope I can start making some sense of it soon and then maybe I can get moving again.

Juggling life

Today is the last day of my first stint at Little Aston. It has been an interesting week and I really REALLY know I have done all the driving.

I have managed to do some exercise every day and yesterday was a triumph as I managed some significant jogging. Food has been OK on the whole.

But generally my feeling is I am stagnating. Not losing weight, not making significant progress with work.

But this morning as I opted for a gentle walk on a short route rather than a longer route with some jogging I realised this is one area where I can see tangible progress. The first time I decided to use the park for exercise I did a really short route. I don't think I went round the lake at all. And it was a herculean effort. This morning I did a gentle walk that included a circuit of the lake for relaxation!!!

I have had problems fitting everything in round a full days work . I have been out of the house from 8 until 6. I have exercised, done my cards, and basic spiritual exercises. But I haven't done any real meditation at all.

Bt next week I am back to being one of the unemployed so I will have plenty of time then to catch up.

Why?

Why haven't I posted for nearly a week?

I am not sure who I am writing for - me or a probably non-existent audience
I haven't had anything to report
I am ashamed of the fact that I don't have any major progress to report in anything.

I certainly don't have any weight loss to report - but then that is partly because I am too scared to step on the scales/ do a body test

In other words things are stagnating. But I have realised this morning that may be because I am stagnating spiritually

I have just realised the title I picked for this post (and I honestly didn't think about it) is the most profound spiritual question depending on the word(s) put after after it.

I need to think carefully about the words I am putting after it at the moment

Changing minds

The key to success and failure in almost anything is the mindset in which you approach it. I have thankfully developed a lot more positive mind set recently but this morning I have realised I still have a problem.

Today I have the first of my bookings at the Spire hospital. Its only half a day 1.00 until 5.00 this afternoon. And part of my mind is thinking 'Woohoo something close to normality!!!'

Until I adjust to the fact that I am probably not going to have a regular 9-5 job again EVER I am still going to have problems with food. I have relied on work physically removing me from the chance to eat. Then there is the self esteem issue -which still lurks in the background.

At least having identified this I can try to sort it out.

I ave been to the park this morning. I was out for 25 minutes and 10 minutes of that was jogging - very slow jogging but I did manage to jog all the way round the lake. And it was a huge effort.

I am intending to get my TMA started this morning. I only have a week to get it in. I also need to concentrate on my spiritual exercises so I do have plenty to do before I go to the hospital.

But for now I am sitting here thinking I am hungry - so its time for breakfast.

When you are hungry EAT

Eat what your REALLY want

Eat it SLOWLY

Stop BEFORE you are full

If I follow those rules when I am not at work I will lose weight.

Mind over matter

One thing I have become very aware of over the last few years is the amazing power of the mind. Positive thoughts, visualizing success, belief in yourself..........it all comes down to mind over matter.

This morning I went to the park - in shorts and my pink Race for Life T shirt for whihc I dont think the world was ready - and I started running almost as soon as I left the house. I had two things fixed in my mind. The fact that I have jogged for 30 minutes using the Wii fit and Jack Sh*ts amusing tale about the first day he was supposed to run for 28 minutes.

With those two things in my mind I managed to run to the park, to the lake and round the lake .........TWICE. I ran for 15 minutes. The distance was just under 2K.

Mind over matter kept me going.

An inspiration

http://newme-freshstart.blogspot.com/2010/05/i-am-not-mia-just-pondering.html

I do hope the above link works - I'm not really that good with techy internet type stuff. This blog contains a You tube video that really spoke to me.

I would like to say a huge 'thank you' to New Me (aka Wendy) for posting this video which has suddenly reminded me that my quest for health can be successful even if I don't lose as much weight as the actuary tables would like me to.

Cancel Clear delete

'Action is the only way anything ever gets done. Sitting around and waiting for life to happen to you will only guarantee one thing: that you're not going to end up with a life you love.'

The above quote if from Sparkpeople - and on a day when I have taken action towards getting some sort of work, it makes me feel quite good about myself.

Yesterday I did well with exercise. I did another 20 minutes wii fit jogging.

Food is still a big issue. I am not sticking to Paul's golden rules - but I am eating fairly healthily.

One of my oracle cards today was 'Cancel Clear Delete' The explanation in the book is that this indicates I need to keep my thoughts and words positive. If negativity does creep in then suggested action is to 'dry wash' my hands to clear the negativity away while saying 'Cancel Clear delete' to 'reboot' my positivity.

I do think it is significant I got this card today - and it is the first time I have ever picked it - to remind me now I am in a more positive mindset I need to stay that way.

Another card I got was simply 'Business' Since I had already decided what actions to take to increase my chances of getting reiki patients it felt like confirmation I was on the right track.

It does all feel as if suddenly things are going my way. And that does help me do better with Paul's rules

When you are hungry eat - I do that

Eat what you really want not what you think you should eat. Normally that is OK

Eat slowly - I am struggling with that but still eating alower than I used to

Stop before you are full - that is the biggest porblem. I must end my membership of the 'clean plate' club

I will 'cancel clear delete' my food issues eventually

Good vibrations

After my mental spring clean yesterday I had a very interesting experience when I made my daily picks from our collection or oracle cards. Including one that when I read the interpretation in the book used the words 'Acknowledge your ever expanding waistline and work out what is eating you'

My waistline isn't really expanding - but it isn't reducing either. But getting that card was one of a number of very pertinent messages I got from the cards yesterday. Including a clear message that what I started doing yesterday was right.

Having identified my mistakes - and I hope worked out how to correct them, Iwant to put down on paper (well you know what I mean!) what I see as the main issues I need to tackle,

I need to tackle my self esteem problem. I wont get anywhere until I do

I need to focus on the Race for Life to keep me exercising

I need to do one thing every day towards one of my major goals. That could be getting myself set up with a reiki business, or sorting out the house/garden, or OU .

Having galvanised myself into a positive frame of mind, I sort of got a reward from the universe yesterday. I got a call from an agency saying Solihul hospital was after a locum. I have said yes I would like to be put forward. It is the first realistic and most commutable offer of pharmacy work I have had for over 2 months. I am trying not to get my hopes up too much - but this does ave a good feel and could be my lucky break.

Exercise went well yesterday. I went to the park although I didn't jog as much as I intended. But later on I did 20 minutes wii fit jogging. I covered nearly 4 'virtual' km in 20 minutes. Jogging is harder in the real world - especially on the calves. I also think when I am jogging outside I am very conscious of the fact that I still have to get home. On the wii fit my chair is just behind me. But the 20 minutes shows I have the stamina to keep going. I am hopeful I will be able to jog enough on the day to do at least half the distance jogging and complete the distance in under 45 minutes.

I think I may have a change and go swimming today. Boredom is the death of many exercise/diet plans.

My biscuit consumption was down yesterday and my water consumption is going up. I am sitting here now thinking I am not hungry, but I am thirsty so I will be having some more water in a bit - and wont be having any breakfast yet.

Something feels as if it is working for me again.

Learning from my mistakes

I have made so many mistakes since the beginning of April. I really need to learn from those mistakes.

Mistake 1

When my regular work came to an end my first thought was 'I am no longer standing/walking for five hours a day. How am I going to burn those calories another way' I never gave any thought to the possible mental problems lack of work would cause me.

Mistake 2

When I realised I needed to set myself goals to get some organisation and structure back into my life I felt I had to be doing 'proper' things (OU work, stuff for the reiki business etc) by 9.00 am to try and do a proper working day.

Mistake 3

I stopped listening to my body - which was telling me all sorts of things about needing more sleep, needing more water etc

Mistake 4

I wrongly put my spiritual time into the category of .non essential' so it needed to be done BEFORE 9.00.


The result of all these mistakes was that I became very tired, very depressed, felt I was a failure, wasn't able to focus an anything.

Why did I make those mistakes? One very simple reason really. I totally failed to recognise the massive loss of self esteem caused by not having regular work. I know I did blog about that at one point - but even as I was blogging about it I felt wimpish for feeling like that.

Over the past few days I have given up on the idea of a 9.00 start to 'work' I am making an effort to make LOTS of time for my meditations. When the alarm goes off at 6.30 I am turning it off and staying in bed. I get up when I properly wake up again - usually about 7.30.

And I feel much better much more relaxed and much happier.

I really don't have timetables to work to - apart from my OU work. I was putting unrealistic pressure on myself to get things done - then feeling bad when I couldn't live up to my own unrealistic expectations.

So from now on my motto is 'get real'

I need to realise a lot of things

The world will not fall apart if I take the time I have been given to relax and enjoy myself.

I can go to the park after 8.00 or 8.30 or even 9.

Meditation is not a luxury - it is an important part of my mental/spiritual support system

I am still useful even if no-one is paying me to do things

I have repeatedly pulled the Ear Chakras card from one of our oracle decks. It tells me to listen to things going on around me. I think -no I KNOW - one of the things I need to listen to is what my body is telling me.

OK so now I need to make some more realistic aims - and remind myself I am still on track to fulfill all my new year resolutions!

That will give me something to think about today - maybe even the focus of my meditation

I can do this

I have wondered about deleting the last few entries in this blog - bit have decided I need to keep them in. I need a reminder of how low I got so in future I will have a better perspective

I have not been adjusting well to this change in my life - unemployment - because it was never something I visualized. I have also been gradually realising that my vision of my future (2 or 3 days a week in community pharmacy and 1 or 2 days a week as a reiki practitioner)isn't going to happen unless I put some effort into getting the skills I need. That is the reality the rejection by Asda has shown me.

But I had doubts about the Asda situation -and that probably contributed to what happened.

I made mistakes - and I need to learn from them.

I have called this entry 'I can do this' What is 'this'

This is a number of things

get some pharmacy work
get some reiki work
keep exercising
get better control over my food
lose weight

Yet again Spatkpeopel pritn the right thing at the right time

Overcoming obstacles one at a time

Your goals may not come easy. There is no accomplishment without work, and no "win" without something to beat. It's easy to get discouraged when roadblocks appear--in fact, it's only natural. You've invested time and emotion into creating the perfect plan, and then something has to come along and muck it all up. Sometimes, though, all you have to do to beat that barrier is to get back up and move forward again. Obstacles are like the Wizard behind the curtain--they're a lot less intimidating once you see them up close. Next time you take a step back, don't let guilt pile it on top of your previous "stumbles." Just take two steps forward and you're still farther along than you were before. It doesn't matter how many walls you face. You only have to get the better of that last one.

Out of the pit

When I was depressed - and I mean REALLY depressed on anti-depressants - I felt as if I was on a pit and trying to climb out. It is a common enough analogy - not that clever. I have been in a pit for the past few days and I think I finally worked out why.

If I still have any readers left I apologise for the incredibly self pitying tone of this blog recently. I have now got myself into a much more positive frame of mind and can see that both my life and me are really both doing quite well.

Sometimes you need to go down into the depths to learn the lesson that takes you out of the other side of the pit so you go onwards and upwards. I truly believe that has happened over the past really black and bleak days

I have often spoken in this blog about the importance of knowing yourself and being true to yourself. I have learned some important things about myself as a result of this bleak episode.

I just hope I can build on that and get myself back on track with my health and fitness journey

No more dilemma

I didn't get the job.I feel simultaneously relieved and deflated.

I am back to feeling totally crap about myself. I am looking at what I have tried to do over the past few weeks - and I can't see a single success.I am sitting here, watching an item on the tv about eating disorders, and thinking 'I have an eating disorder - I am a fat cow because I am greedy'

I want to curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out.

I really hate myself at the moment. This blog is the only place I can really let these feelings out.

I can't think of a plan to get myself out of this horrible place. All I can think of is that everyone round me is talented in some way - and I don't seem to be able to do anything right. I can't even get a job in the profession I have been in for over 30 years.

I feel unwanted, unvalued, unloved, and unnecessary. I also feel incredibly wimpish and self pitying.

I hadn't realised how much I relied on affirmation from others to make myself feel worthwhile. I don't have anyone giving me that affirmation at the moment.My plan to sort that out seems to have failed miserably.

Nothing is working and I don't know what to do

work dilemma

I went for the interview at Burton yesterday. I am not sure it went well enough for me to offered a job there. But I am still nor sure if I want a job there. The traveling would be a problem, and I still have reservations about the whole corporate conglomerate identity of Asda. Plus I am not sure how I would do with the business aspect of the job there. The pharmacy and team work side would be a breeze.

But this morning I got an unexpected booking from Little Aston for an additional half day of work they need me for.

Is that a sign that I will get more work from the group and dont NEED the security of the regular work from Asda?

In a way I am hoping Asda don't offer me a job - it would relieve me of the dilemma. But I cluld sort out all the issues I have with Asda - even the traveling could be sorted if I went by train - more expensive but less tiring.

I need to make sure I am sure what I will say if I DO get a job offer from Burton. I need to go an consult my crystal ball!

Appropriate reflection from Sparkpeople

Are you afraid to try or are you afraid to fail?

A well-lived life is not for the timid. The world was never meant to be approached with extra caution and fear of making mistakes. Kids know that you have to jump in feet first and be willing to take some lumps on the head if you're going to have any fun. When did we stop trying new things? Why did we stop taking risks? In large part, we're afraid of messing up. We've settled into our comfort zones and don't want to look like a fool to ourselves or others. What's the price we pay for our pursuit of perfection? No growth, no sense of discovery, few real experiences. The sacrifice isn't worth it. Are there points in your life that you wish you could have back because you didn't pursue an idea or a new interest? Those chances are gone forever--but you'll have more in the future to take full advantage of. It's been said that most people don't learn much that's new past their 20s. That's an awful long time to stay stagnant. The only mistake you should be afraid to make is not trying.

On the day I have an interview for a job that has lots of potential - but also lots of problems - I am afraid of messing things up. Either I will fluff the interview, or they will offer me a job and I will turn it down when I should be brave and take it.

I am going to really try hard on this today

Inspiration from Sparkpeople

Living according to your true values

The best intentions matter little if your daily life doesn't reflect those values. How can you make sure that your thoughts and actions match? Good or bad, your values are shaped by your actions just as much as they do the shaping. Actions that are true to your values build a stronger personal foundation that others can see. Why are the memories of our greatest personal and public heroes so powerful and timeless, long after they're gone? They stood for something. They were living, breathing examples of the values they prized. It takes courage, a belief in yourself and strong determination. But it can be done. Do one thing today that shows the world what you believe. Do one thing that you know is right. Do one thing that would make your hero smile.


This is what I call 'pure McKenna' This sort of thinking is one of the ideas that CYLI7D promotes. The idea that you must be true to yourself in your day to day life.

I haven't been giving myself credit for the fact that I am trying harder than ever to live and work in accordance my beliefs

Looking for inspiration

I don't feel well at the moment. I also feel very fat and I know I am not doing well with food and exercise at the moment.

I have an interview tomorrow for a job I am not sure I want.

I am not making much progress with anything at the moment.

To be honest the lack of blog posts says it all. I haven't had anything to blog about.

I still have a perfect record on the wii fit - nearly 6 months without missing a single day.

I went to he park on Monday and managed to jog from the entrance to the lake, round the lake and all the way back to the entrance. Next time I go I want to try and jog from the corner of the road that leads to the park.

I did also manage to get the desk top publisher programme to produce something that looked vaguely OK yesterday. Maybe I am doing a bit better than I think.

But sitting around feeling sorry for myself isn't going to get me anywhere. I need a plan for today.

Normal service will be resumed...........

I had a fascinating weekend - but very little sleep - due to a paranormal investigation that lasted from 9.00 Saturday night until past 5.00 Sunday morning - and then I had to drive home. So I got in time to feed the cats before I went to bed

Food was a disaster, but being up all night must have given me some exercise.

But my bad food habits and choices carried over into yesterday.

This morning I feel tired and sluggish and generally totally 'blah' But I have a lot to do both for my interview and towards building up a reiki business.

So I have decided even tho I am not going out to work, I need some discipline and need to designate a time when I will be 'at work' to get things done. So at 9.00 this morning the lap top and TV will go off and I will be 'at work'

Before I start 'work' I want to meditate and get some exercise and have some breakfast so I need to get on with things as it is already 7.30.

Election fever

Well what a night. I dozed with the radio on so I could keep up with the election results. I am knackered now. That's the price you pay for being a political animal I suppose.

I hit my exercise goal,I drank more water and I did OK on eating only when hungry - but the dorito's and dip did come out while we watching TV last night.

Yesterday at Little Aston went OK. I calculated I only need another 67 days work this year on top of the 17 days I already have booked to stay solvent. If I do OK at Little Aston the buisness manager may well be happy to put me in touch with other hospitals in the group. So that may give me enough work.

Yesterday I crossed a small rubicon. I got a call from an agency telling me that Selly Oak want a locum and would I be interested. On reflex I said yes - but with a bit of a sigh. Later I got an e-mail asking me to send a certificated copy of my passport and CRB check to them as my CV cannot be submitted without it. I decided I didnt want or NEED the hasle that involves. So I replied saying I didnt think it was worth it because if Selly Oak REALLY wanted me back as a locum they have had ample opportunity to. So I told them NOT to submit my CV. That may lead to an interesting email from the agency. I dont need or WANT full time work.

That is especially true as Fosters have given me permission to advertise my reiki services to their residents.

So today I need to get a poster and some leaflets sorted out on the desk top publisher.

I think my goals for today are going to be work orientated. After so little sleep the idea of jogging fills me with horror. But I will do some walking. I need to go to Northfield to sort out my portfolio for Thursday. I also need a new outfit - or at least a new top - and maybe some shoes. So I think sorting out my portfolio and getting ready for the interview is a priority. If I get that job I don't need the agencies to find me any work and I will have the time to develop my reiki.

Day 4 - beginiing to gain momentum

I really do think my new goal orientated approach is making a difference. I feel so much better in myself now I regularly have a reason to pat myself on the back.

I met yesterdays goals OK. I did my 10 minutes of jogging, on top of 2 hours of leaflet delivery. The really good thing is my back seems to be relatively happy.

My food choices were reasonable but the major achievement is I didn't have ANY biscuits!!

Having added meditation to my goals I ended up changing my plan for the day to a much more sensible one that didnt have me aking 2 trips to drop leaflets. I meditated and it was very helpful.

I noticed yesterday I wasn't feeling as hungry as I ad been. I have also noriced I am eating slower.

Today I am out at the the private hospital to learn about their systems. Sadly it is unpaid but I am hopeful it will pay dividends

I am unsure how long I will be at work so I dont ave nay idea how much free time I am going to have. So my goals today are slightly tricky.

I think the safest thing is to keep it simple and aim for 10 minutes wii fit jogging, and only when eating when I am hungry. But today would be a good day to add in drinking water. I haven't been drinking enough lately.

Day 3

I did 20 minutes free jogging on the wii fit ,after at least 90 minutes - and probably closer to 2 hours so I hit that goal.

I am still struggling with emotional eating at the moment. But I am thinking before I eat, and I am not eating unless I am hungry. I think some of the 'hunger' I feel isnt real tho. But my biscuit consumption IS down. And I do feel more confident and positive.

We went to a psychic fair last night and both ad readings.Mine certainly gave me food for thought - but also a boost as the message was clear I am on the right path - but interestingly may move on from reiki to something else.

OK my goals for today are at least 10 minutes jogging, only eat when I am genuinely hungry, to make healthier food choices and to meditate. I need to deal with my mental and spiritual health as well as physical health

Day 2 of a new approach

So did I hit my goals for yesterday? Well sort of.

I didn't jog round the lake - in fact I didn't go to the park at all BUT I DID do 10 minutes free jogging on the wii fit followed by 20 minutes free stepping. So this means I not only hits the 30 minutes exercise target tat I have had for a while but I did the continuous jogging I want to do on the Race for Life. So I did do what I set out to do which was a longish spell of continuous jogging.

And as for the eating. Well my diet wasn't the healthiest but at no point did I eat anything just for the sake of eating. I was helped by the Monday game being brilliant and really enjoyable thanks to two new players we have found. Because I am concentrating on whether I am really hungry, I have also noticed I am slowing down my eating too. So I think I can say I did what I set out to do yesterday.

I also sorted out the paperwork for the Natural Health Fair, and registered a domain name for the websits.

Steve was able to find the missing OU file on the pc - so I have been able to read the detailed comments on my essay. I am a bit down about that - and to be honest not really looking forward to the conversation with my tutor today but I am also determined to do better on TMA02.

So what are my specific goals for today?

I am delivering a load of leaflets today, so I will be walking for at least an hour I imagine. We also have visitors this afternoon and are going out tonight. Going to the park will not be possible. But I will do 10 minutes free jogging.

My food goal is the same as yesterday. To only eat when I am hungry.

Have I found the way out? Day 1 of a new approach

I am not going to repeat here all the events of yesterday. They are in my psychic journey blog. But yesterday I went to he park for the first time in days and managed to jog - very slowly - from the entrance to the park to the lake and all the way round the lake. I jogged close to 1k.

The difference was the speed. I have realised that is a fabulous object lesson for other areas of my life. I am expecting results from my advertising too fast. I am eating too fast.

I have also realised I currently have no positive feedback from ANYONE or in any area of my life at the moment. When I was working even if it was dire, there would always be something that gave me the signal I was doing a good job and was valued.

So my most urgent task is to find ways I can get positive feedback that I can give to myself.

I think at the moment the easiest way is to use the blog to set myself goals for the day (realistic goals) and review them the following day. I think I need one goal in each key area .

My exercise goal for today is to jog all the way round the lake again.
My food goal for today is to only eat when I am truly hungry.

Learning from the past

I have been re-reading my last few entries trying to find a key to help me break out of where I am at the moment. I think I am the only one reading my blog now - and to be honest its probably as well. It is not pretty reading - but its been honest.

I had a psychic reading the other day in relation to work and the psychic used the word 'stagnation' to describe my current situation. Spot on. But as the blog clearly shows I feel I am stagnating in other areas as well. In fact I am going round in circles.

I was listening to the radio this morning and being Sunday it had a spiritual tone. I can't remember now what triggered the thought but I found myself thinking that I really don't love myself much at the moment. Certainly the conversations I have with myself are not complimentary.

A new report has shown that 'green exercise' in a park, farm, garden etc, especially by water is a great boost especially to self esteem. It has been days since I went to the park. Maybe that is where I need to start?

Something to celebrate?

This came into my in box this morning from the ever reliable Sparkpeople

Finding and celebrating the joy in life

Each day is a new chance to find joy and to dance. If you let it pass or think it useless, the chance is gone and you'll never get it back. When was the last time you played? Or just did something for the sheer fun of it? Joy is not found in the world around you, it's within yourself. You can make your own joy, especially during those dark times when you need to really feel alive again. Fun and play are healthy antidotes to taking life--and ourselves--too seriously. They're proven boosters of immune systems and mental health and make life worth the trouble. So do the twist. Sing in the shower. Learn a magic trick. Watch a cartoon. Challenge some kids to a game. Don't let a single day go to waste.

After yesterdays doom and gloom my FB wish for something 'magical' to happen actually came true. With the result that I feel a lot more positive - realise how much I really DO have to celebrate.

So I do feel I have more control over things now. I think a lot of yesterdays panic was being caused by self doubt about whether I was doing the right things.

I still feel my weight is out of control - or rather food is out of control.I am not sitting here binging on chocolate and crisps but I am eating too many biscuits. And tonight Tony and I are going to have a chill out evening in front of the TV with what I described to him as 'unhealthy food' So we have some Pringles and I bought a couple of Pizza's as an option for dinner. Mind you I can tell I have rejected the idea of a takeaway so that is one unhealthy option out of the way.

I am still exercising. Yesterday I clocked up 23 weeks on the wii fit without missing a single day. OK some days I only clocked 10 minutes - but on a lot of days I have clocked up at least 40 minutes exercise. I may not be doing as well with food as I would like but I have the exercise bit nailed. And that just shows that if you practice something it becomes second nature. You get to what the fabulous Mr McKenna calls the tipping point where it is easier to do something than NOT to do something.

The key to my food is still to eat slower. I am so sure of that. So all I have to do is practice that as hard and eventually it will be second nature. Then I may start to make some progress

I think the main thing is that I have been reminded there is no such thing as a magic wand that can solve my problems. Intellectually I knew that - but for some reason I was looking for that to relieve me of some decision making I think.

30th of April and no sign of regular work - warning primal scream

I never anticipated this situation - and I am quite scared. The locum position at Selly Oak hasn't materialised so I guess they have given it to someone else - or had to admit they don't have the funding for it. But Selly Oak are too well organised not to have funding so they obviously gave it to another candidate - which is a huge blow to my self esteem.

And the one thing you need when attempting to sell yourself as a potential employee is loads of self esteem - so from any view, this is a pretty bad situation to be in.

I still have the interview at Burton - but I have reservations about whether that really is the best option for me. I sent my CV off to Lloyds and have heard nothing. And my phone is not off the hook with people wanting me services as a reiki therapist.

I haven't been exercising as rigorously as I should be either, and I can almost feel the fat settling in my hips as the weight creeps up.

In other words I am in a crap place - and that is why I put a health warning on this entry that it is a bit of a primal scream. But this blog is about the only place I can admit how awful I feel about things. I can't tell Tony. I need to talk to someone but I can't think who I can talk to.

What is getting to me is the feeling of not being in control. But worse I don't feel capable of getting back in control.

There is a vicious cycle emerging. My lack of motivation means I am not doing things I think I should be doing, so I feel bad about myself, and that just demotivates me even further.

The way to break the cycle is obvious - do something constructive. But I can't think of anything I can do that will yield the sort of results I want. What I have been doing so far hasn't been that successful so it looks as if I need to change tactics - but I don't have any other ideas.

Yesterday my FB status said I wanted something wonderful and magical to happen. It is possible it did. 2 unexpected things happened. I got a message from Carolyn inviting Tony and I to a very exclusive paranormal investigation on 8th May - the day we SHOULD have been going to the Station Hotel. This puts us back in touch with Carolyn which may be useful for both of us. Also there was a primal scream type post from a reiki therapist in Coventry having problems getting established. I sent her a private message and suggested as we are quite close we might be able to team up or at least brainstorm some ideas together. To my surprise she said yes. So two unexpected contacts. What they may provide is unknown - but networking is the key to getting thorough in this sort of situation - and anything that increases my network has got to be good.

Why am I in such a panic about the lack of work. Financially we can survive for a lot longer than a month? I guess like 99% of people I define myself by what I do and at the moment I dont seem to be doing anything. But I am still me. I am still Tony's fiancee, and Steve's Mum and they still value me. Why can't I value myself as a companion, a homemaker, a friend?


A part of me recognises I am being very unrealistic about my expectations. It takes time to build up a client base. But it is depressing when you don't hear back from people. The lack of response from Fosters is very depressing. I had high hopes of that. But I am sure David would let me know even if the answer was 'no' so maybe he hasn't had the chance to put it to the trustees yet.

I have GOT to get myself into a more positive frame of mind or this is going to be a disaster. I am setting myself up to fail and whether it is psychical or psychological that is not good.

I need to focus on what I CAN do, do what I can to increase my network and be ready to take any opportunities that appear.

I have spent an hour making this entry. While part of me feels it is an hour wasted the other part of me knows I needed to get these feelings out by expressing them.

Lets hope I can now make today a little more constructive.

A small success

I have some work booked!! I did some cold calling and as a result have 17 days work booked a private hospital. The hospital is part of a group which has other hospitals in the area so I may get other bookings from them to.

Apart from that everything is a bit blah and I don't feel like doing anything. That is partly because I ave no pressing need to do anything. My first dates with the hospital are the first week in June. So I have lots of time to do...........well to do what? That is what I can't decide.

I still have to do list - and I know I will get motivated to deal with it. But maybe not today. Maybe today I need to chill .

Charting success

Yesterday I was very dynamic.

I went swimming
I did my CRB check documents
I got Tony's passport application done.
I bought some paper so I can print more reiki flyers
I found a box for my crystals
I found another shop willing to display a flyer
I sent my cv off to Lloyds
I contacted local hospitals to see if they needed any bank pharmacists (as a by product of that I found there really IS a vacancy at QE and they really haven't decided yet - so I may still have a prospect of work very soon)

But I ended up having a biscuit fest yesterday evening during the game.

Thinking a LONG way ahead, I have GOT to find a way to cope with inactivity /not working or when I finally retire properly I am going to have a big problem. I so need structure in my day if I am going to avoid the biscuit trap.

I think when I am at work I have an agenda for what needs to get done that day. Yesterday I had a mental list of things I wanted to get done - and did it. That's clearly something I need to remember and act on.

So why did I hit the biscuit tin? I think mainly because the game last night wasn't that enjoyable compared to Sunday's. So between now and next Monday I need to think what I can do to try to make the game more enjoyable for me - and I would guess Tony as well. I know his heart wasn't in the game either.

I really ache today. I swam for 20 minutes continuously - and boy do I know I have done it. I know what I need to do is actually get back in the pool today - and I will try to do that.

Right so on the to do list for today

breakfast
meditation
Find out if I need a new colour print cartridge
go swimming
get a new cartrude if I need one
Print off some flyers
distribute some flyers
Look at TMA02

What are blogs for?

All of us in the blogosphere blog for a variety of reasons. Some blog so other people can follow what is going on in their life. Others are driven by the need to record specific events in their life - like coping with disease.

I started this blog when my life was totally chaotic partly as an outlet to help me cope, but mainly as a replacement for the 90 day weight loss journal that is part of the Paul McKenna programme.

That was 22 months ago.

In those 22 months I have changed my job, and now find myself without work. My Mum died, Edna needed increasing support as her dementia worsened and then she died.I have sorted out 2 estates -one with a will one without. I have become a reiki practitioner.

I have even lost some weight - albeit only about 7 lbs

Exercise is now a regular part of my life - even if I end up walking the whole of the Race for Life.

I would not have achieved all that without this blog. Originally I intended to keep this blog private but decided to put a link on a Paul McKenna FB page. That got me my first follower (Hi Sharon!) and through that I found all the other bloggers. Reading their blogs - and getting supportive comments on mine - has made a world of difference.

Although I may not have achieved much in the way of weight loss there is one other thing I haven't done during this 22 months - got depressed and needed medication. As I didn't blog during the previous 10 years the scale of this achievement cannot be seen in its proper perspective. But believe me - its huge.

I have re-read parts of my blog today - and it has been illuminating to compare myself now with myself on 30th June 2008 when I made my first entry. At a time when I feel stuck and a bit despondent I can actually see how far I have come. Even if the plans I had 22 months ago didn't all work out. We certainly didn't go into the house rental business.

I can see how far I have come -and that gives me the impetus to keep going even though at the moment I feel stuck.

Confession is god for the soul

Yesterday I ended up with a bad case of emotional eating. Things havent been going well lately.

Still no sign of work
Two events I had been looking forward to cancelled
Still beating myself up a bit about not getting as much work done on the house as I would have liked

Apart form the work issue tho nothing really major. Yesterday I should have been on one of the events that got canceled and it was yesterday I found out the other event was also canceled.

Tony was happy with a takeaway for dinner and I went for the most unhealthy option I could. And I knew I was eating emotionally. It was like last Sunday's chocolate bar episode.

The redeeming feature is I didn't eat it all. I couldn't eat it all. So I guess there is some hope for me after all.

I am not blogging regularly and that is always a bad sign that things are not on target for me.

On the plus side I have now clocked up 22 weeks without missing a day on that bully of a wii fit machine!

I am going to have some quality 'me' time today. Go and soak in a bath, take some time to meditate and try to reframe my perspective on things from negative to positive.

Having a wobble

This is an exercise for my OU course which I meant to do a few days ago.
When was I at my best? What do I feel proud of as I look back over what I have done both in work and out of it.

Organising the production section at Dudley Road
My time on the Liver Unit especially starting the self medication system.
Setting up the topping up system at QE
Becoming one of the top DM's in Europe in my RPGA days
The way my relationship with my son has stayed strong as he has matured
Beating depression and getting control over my life.
Dealing with individual patients and their problems
Doing my best for Edna
Being a shoulder to cry on for friends/colleagues with problems

So who am I at my best?

Innovative
Well organised
Focused
Caring
Good communicator
Good listener
Hard working
Reliable

So why am I posting all this on THIS blog? I had a major wobble yesterday. I started the formal process of applying for a job at Asda, and yet again I had an agency ring me up and say Selly Oak want a locum are you interested? They rang at 12, said they would get back tome within the hour. Four hours later I rang them and they said they were about the ring Selly Oak to find out what was going on. They said they would get back to me and didn't

The Asda application is making me focus on what I really want - and the agency incident is feeding my paranioa about how Selly Oak see me and undermining my self confidence.

I am scared about the future.

I need to deal with that fear and I can't do that if I am a quivering blob of jelly in a corner. Working through that exercise has reminded what I can do at my best, that I do have a lot to be proud of. I can do this