I never anticipated this situation - and I am quite scared. The locum position at Selly Oak hasn't materialised so I guess they have given it to someone else - or had to admit they don't have the funding for it. But Selly Oak are too well organised not to have funding so they obviously gave it to another candidate - which is a huge blow to my self esteem.
And the one thing you need when attempting to sell yourself as a potential employee is loads of self esteem - so from any view, this is a pretty bad situation to be in.
I still have the interview at Burton - but I have reservations about whether that really is the best option for me. I sent my CV off to Lloyds and have heard nothing. And my phone is not off the hook with people wanting me services as a reiki therapist.
I haven't been exercising as rigorously as I should be either, and I can almost feel the fat settling in my hips as the weight creeps up.
In other words I am in a crap place - and that is why I put a health warning on this entry that it is a bit of a primal scream. But this blog is about the only place I can admit how awful I feel about things. I can't tell Tony. I need to talk to someone but I can't think who I can talk to.
What is getting to me is the feeling of not being in control. But worse I don't feel capable of getting back in control.
There is a vicious cycle emerging. My lack of motivation means I am not doing things I think I should be doing, so I feel bad about myself, and that just demotivates me even further.
The way to break the cycle is obvious - do something constructive. But I can't think of anything I can do that will yield the sort of results I want. What I have been doing so far hasn't been that successful so it looks as if I need to change tactics - but I don't have any other ideas.
Yesterday my FB status said I wanted something wonderful and magical to happen. It is possible it did. 2 unexpected things happened. I got a message from Carolyn inviting Tony and I to a very exclusive paranormal investigation on 8th May - the day we SHOULD have been going to the Station Hotel. This puts us back in touch with Carolyn which may be useful for both of us. Also there was a primal scream type post from a reiki therapist in Coventry having problems getting established. I sent her a private message and suggested as we are quite close we might be able to team up or at least brainstorm some ideas together. To my surprise she said yes. So two unexpected contacts. What they may provide is unknown - but networking is the key to getting thorough in this sort of situation - and anything that increases my network has got to be good.
Why am I in such a panic about the lack of work. Financially we can survive for a lot longer than a month? I guess like 99% of people I define myself by what I do and at the moment I dont seem to be doing anything. But I am still me. I am still Tony's fiancee, and Steve's Mum and they still value me. Why can't I value myself as a companion, a homemaker, a friend?
A part of me recognises I am being very unrealistic about my expectations. It takes time to build up a client base. But it is depressing when you don't hear back from people. The lack of response from Fosters is very depressing. I had high hopes of that. But I am sure David would let me know even if the answer was 'no' so maybe he hasn't had the chance to put it to the trustees yet.
I have GOT to get myself into a more positive frame of mind or this is going to be a disaster. I am setting myself up to fail and whether it is psychical or psychological that is not good.
I need to focus on what I CAN do, do what I can to increase my network and be ready to take any opportunities that appear.
I have spent an hour making this entry. While part of me feels it is an hour wasted the other part of me knows I needed to get these feelings out by expressing them.
Lets hope I can now make today a little more constructive.
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