Ending on a positive note

Who is standing in your way?

Imagine someone regularly tying small weights around your ankles as you try to climb a mountain. Doesn't sound fair, does it? But that's exactly what you can do to yourself, a little bit at a time, if you don't watch out. When you think of who and what is standing in the way of your dreams, it's easy to forget your own responsibility. Even the best of us can be guilty of unknowingly hurting our own progress. Procrastination, lateness, being disorganized, pessimism, not being honest with yourself, severe self-criticism, downplaying achievements, focusing only on weaknesses while ignoring strengths, keeping goals a secret, demanding perfection, giving up after a small setback--these are all ways you can make it tough to be (and do) your best. Smart systems, the right attitude, and a promise to keep going no matter what will make a world of difference.

I realised my own ability to sabotage myself several years ago. Sometimes you are person it is hardest to be honest with about whether you are doing well or badly.

I didnt go to qo work yesterday and I am not going today. As well as the niggly back , I started feeling a bit tight in my chest and have developed a cough. I realised i was also TIRED. I think all the stress of the past few months with Edna finally caught up with me.

Anyway I didnt exercise properly yesterday and dont intend to do so today. I think I may need to rethink some of the exercises I do. I think my back maybe playing up because of the choice of exercises.

We have friends coming round tonight to help us see in the new year and I am looking foreward to that especially as some of them will be people we haven't seen for some time.

I am still listening to my body and the messages it is giving me - and as long as I continue to do that I know I will get over this little health hiccup.

And I am going to make 2010 a good year for me and mine in all sorts of ways

Back to earth with a bang

Having euphorically committed myself to an exercise goal last night -this morning I haven't even done my 30 minutes exercise. I have done 10 minutes (2 reps of step plus which is 52 calories) Doing a beyond choc tune in physically I felt tired and my back and leg are niggling. Not hurting but niggling. Mentally I feel tired and de-motivated. Thought or question - I am fed up of work.

My conclusion is I need a break from work to re-motivate myself. I must book myself a few days off so I survive my frantic few days at the end of January (TNA Paul McKenna and Most Haunted in the space of a few days. In fact Paul and MH are on consecutive days at the weekend) But do I go to work today? I really DO need to give my back a break - and I really can't sit down at work without causing chaos.

I have started the day very hungry and treated myself to some porridge. But I have eaten it and STILL feel hungry. I have had problems with heartburn for the last couple of days and I think that is part of the problem - but this does feel like genuine hunger. So toaster here I come

There is no doubt this is a definite down blip - but I will come through it OK as long as I listen to - and act on - that little inner voice of wisdom.

What have I done...............

I have registered my interest in taking part in Race for Life in 2010. It is a 5K run/walk in aid of cancer research. Getting fit for that will be an incentive with my exercise routine. It will be quite goal to aim for. I am not comitted to doing it - except I would feel like a heel if I backed out now I have blogged about it.

Comitted? Maybe I should be lol

Ho hum back to work

Actually I am quite pleased to be getting back into a normal routine because I am so concious of how much sitting down I am doing at home.

Anyway today has started well. A healthy breakfast and a wii fit workout that was 2 minutes and 20 odd calories short of my goal. But 10 minutes free step tonight will sort that out.

I watched people eating at the party last night and was horified ay how much one of them ate. I found I couldn't even eat a whole slice of a delicious chrustmas cake one of my friends had brought down with him.

I had 3 examples last night. Rob - who has lost a lot fo weight on the Cambridge diet - but admits he has put on 2st since he stopped. Tyler who really needs to ,ose weight - and had 2 platefuls of food last night that I could not have faced, And Tony who has lost weight by trying to stick to the same rules I do and by using the wii fit. I know who I want to copy.

An award for my blog!!

I am so pleased. Francesca has made my blog one of the recipients of her' superior scribbler award' I am supposed to display the link on my blog and pass the award to 5 more bloggers. Trouble is I am technically challenged and can't work out how to do that.

But I am very VERY pleased and proud that my blog is being read by other people who appreciate my style and my story.

Visitor

Yesterday our visitor Darren arrived to stop with us for a few days. Last night he treated us to pizza (I ate 4 slices) and tonight we are having a party here for any friends of his to pop in a say hi. So more party food.

But I am still doing OK. I still havent od'd on mine pies or chocolate - or sausge rolls (one of my other weaknesses) nd if my diet hasn't been the healthiest out there it hasn't been horrendously unhealthy either.

I have hit my exercise goal EVERY DAY over the holiday

I have been thinking again about my goals for 2010. My son reminded me about a sotry I had been writing. I would like to have something properly published one day (not through a vanity publishing house ) I do enjoy writing (as my blogs show!)

The more I think about it the more my goals for 2010 come down to one single thing - to be ME in 2010 not to be who others NEED me to be. This doesn't mean being selfish - because that wouldn't be acting in accordance with my core values. It means valuing me as well as everyone round me. And doing things that express that value I put on myself.

Does this makes sense or am I talking drivel? No I think it makes sense.

I wont succeed in ANY goal unless I can reach it in a way that is true to who I really am.

And the holiday continues

Yesterday we had Tony's Mum round. Steve came over as well. So we had a running buffet going. Food yesterday wasn't brilliant - but I grazed. No big meals - just lots of little snacks.

Today Darren is coming to stop with us until Wednesday. Tomorrow we have a party for any friends of his that want to pop in. So that will be MORE party food. But I am happy that my consumption of mince pies and sweets has been very VERY much less than normal. So something is working.

I have done free step and enough other other exercises to JUST hit both my targets this morning.

OK so what about my goals for next year?

Well one is very clear. I want to achieve level two reiki. By the end of 2010 I want to have given at least 5 reiki sessions for which have been paid.

I will set aside at least 15 minutes every day for meditation. And once a week I will do self healing. I need to get into a routine with both of these if I am to make progress with reiki.

My third goal is to take the time to visit the hairdresser and beautician. I will keep up with the waxing . It sounds a small thing but knowing my legs are not horrible and hairy makes me feel better about myself and my appearance. By taking the time (and money) to keep myself looking good I affirm my beleif in myself. I remind myself that I matter.

And that leads on to my next resolution to keep on with my exercise routines. They are doing me so much good. I feel much better and I am sure they will help me to lose weight.

OK so where is the massive goal - where do I say I want to lose 4 stone ? Or the 5 st 7lbs the wii fit tells me I need to lose to acheive my ideal weight? Its not there. I would LOVE to lose weight - but I am not setting myself for an unrealistic target. I want realistic targets - that I can hopefully exceed. I want to be an over achiever not an under achiever.

So yes weight loss is one of my goals. I would like to end 2010 7 lbs lighter than I start it. I would be really pleased if I ended it 14 lbs lighter. And totally ecstatic if I lost 21 lbs. But as long as the general trend in my weight is down I will be happy.

This is a first draft of my resolutions . I need to think about them a little more - but so far they feel right.

New Year resolutions

Well I survived Christmas. I didn't overeat - but my diet was VERY festive. I drank more alcohol than I normally do. My dinner was the same size as normal - although I had starters main meal and pudding.

When I felt full - I stopped eating. But I ate what I wanted - and enjoyed what I ate.

OK I ate more than I normally would have done.but I didnt pick midlessly at chocloates and biscuits the way I normally would have done. So I feel quite pleased

This morning I worked out. (37 minutes 175 calories).

I know I am not as active as I normally would be - I am sitting watching TV not on my feet at work. But I have been working in the kitchen this morning .

2010 is nearly here and I feel the need to make some commitments to myself for goals to reach in the next year. I'm just not sure what yet.

I do know I need goals. I know I need focus. But for the first time in nearly 2 years I have freedom to do almost as I like. So I feel I need to chose my goals wisely to reflect MY true vales and aspirations .

It needs some thought before I commit them to paper for the world to read.

Christmas Day

Its 7.30 and I have worked out on Christmas day. And hot both my targets.

I am siting here gathering my thoughts and getting ready to tackle the dinner preparations . I am confident it will be a good day. the food will be good - and I wont overeat.

Not a diet - a way of life

And life does not stop at Christmas. So i have been good. I have used the wii fit and done a much delayed body test.

My wii fit age is 51 - not bad as I am 57 - nearly 58. And one if the exercises was a new one and I wasted 15 aseconds or more just getting the hang of what I was supposed to do - so got a poor score.

And the all important weight and BMI scores? Well they were the same as last time - which was at least 3 months ago. This may not sound too good - but I know in between times I did put on wieght. So I have managed to lose that at least.

I trust the wii fit figures much more than my bathroom scales. I can 'cheat' too easily with the scales. You can't cheat with the wii fit.

So I am satisfied. And feel I have good springboard for 2010.

I am 4 minutes and 34 calories shy of my wii fit goal - but that can be remedies tonight. This morning I have to do the final christmas shopping and then go to work. I am hoping I will be able to leave early so I have time to fit in another 10 minutes inbetween preparing the dinner for tomorrow and wathcing muppet chriustmas carol in the company of my 20 year old son and his 21 year old house mate. My partner will do his normal 'bah humbug' and play on the computer - but I know he'll be crying about Tiny Tim lol

As I will be up way before he is or before Steve and Phil get over I see no reason NOT to to use the wii fit tomorrow. What better present to myself than to keep up with a routine that is working and is good for my health.

A very merry christmas to all my fellow bloggers

A reflection perfect for me

Taking two steps forward

Slow and steady has not always been an inspiring concept. It's not as sexy as speed and sharp turns of direction. But it may be just the thing to keep you from running out of gas, while still moving you forward. Abe is telling us that the most important thing is to keep walking forward, no matter how slowly. Sometimes slowness can be frustrating. You might become impatient; you might get discouraged with a setback. But a setback doesn't have to set you back. Simply using it as a learning opportunity can leapfrog you ahead again. From now on, try paying attention more to your direction and less to your speed. Be patient, focus on a little bit at a time, and soon enough, you'll be further than you ever thought. Besides, it's a good bet that by always looking forward, Abe(Lincoln) rarely looked back in regret.

The quote was - I am a slow walker - but I rarely walk backwards.

OK so I am not making fast progress - but I AM making progress

one day to go

One day until the end of the 90 days. Tomnorrow I will bite the bullet (not many calories in it!!) and do a body test. Whether I have lost gained or stayed the same that will be a starting point for 2010.

5 minutes and 34 calories shy of my targets this morning.but I did a new set of exercises aimed at my tummy and I can feel I have done it.

Shopping is on the agenda for this morning before I go to work. I still feel a bit overwhelmed by Christmas preparations - but I will cope. I always do

The first party

I survived the first party. I ate VERY moderately compared with other people - and compared with what I would have eaten before I learned Paul's rules.

There was party food at Rachel's tonight - and I ate very moderately.

The highs of coping with food well - and getting a lovely pashmina from my secret santa Dean - was offset by finding a card and letter from Gordon when I got home. I hate crying - it makes me feel crap.

I have hit both my exercise targets with 10 minutes of free step tonight.

Just the basics

I am 1 minute and 11 cals short of my exercise goal this morning. I tried some new exercises. Boredom with a workout is a killer

I have manage to increase my water intake .

I am a little in rabbit in headlights mode with things that I feel I HAVE to do - but I am honest enough to admit the world wont come to an end if they don't all get done before the holiday. Prioritise girl!!!!

So here come Christmas

Am I going t have time to blog? Am I going to have time to exercise? How am I going to cope with all that festive food?

These are the questions going through my mind this morning. I will be working everyday until Christmas. I have to fit in two thankfully short trips to deliver Christmas presents. I still have some shopping and wrapping to do. I have the work Christmas party tomorrow and we have a party here next Monday as well as Christmas day itself.

Blogging may well stop but I am confident I will keep up with exercise - although whether I will do 30 minutes a day is debatable.

And food ....... well I am reasonably confident I will avoid overeating. 'Eat what ypu want' is easy over Christmas. I am sure what I wont do is stuff myself as full as the turkey. I am confident I wont constantly pick at things like biscuits and sweets for no reason.

Is this confidence misplaced? Time (and this blog) will tell !

This morning I have hit BOTH my exercise targets in one session. I did a version of the 10 10 10 routine= but the final 10 was one of the wii fit routines . This meant I did 15 minutes of step plus. I feel pleased I have hit the targets - but BOY do I know I have done it!

Food yesterday went OK. I didnt overeat, I didn't snack, and my diet was healthy ish. I did in the end hit both exercise targets.

One thing I have realised is I am not drinking as much water as I should. And I am still not eating as slowly as I would like. Maybe I should start listening to Paul's meditation tracks again. Trouble is I use meditation for other things now and I can only spend so much time meditating. I know its a good thing to do but you can have too much of a good thing.

I am as ready as I can be for the next four days at work given the awful weather. We are lucky because the heavy snow has missed us so far. Can we stay that lucky?

10 random facts about me

1 I am the younger of two daughters. My sister is 5 and half years older than me - so when we were growing up I often felt she was more like a second mother rather than a sister. Sadly this does not mean we are close

2 I grew up an a council estate in leafy Buckinghamshire - which was nothing like the council estates portrayed on TV in programmes like Z Cars. The house came with my Dad's job. He was the housing manager for the council

3 I love singing and sang a solo for the school choir in the Carol concert in my final year

4 I enjoy role playing games - Dungeons and Dragons and that sort of thing. I was one of the first female Dungeon Masters in the UK and was once ranked in the top 3 in Europe

5 My most embarrassing childhood memory is wetting myself in the middle of rehearsals for a school show when I was a primary school.

6 I nearly died from pneumonia when I was 4. I think I may have been one of the first patients to be treated with penicillin.

7 My history with personal relationships is so bad that I am too embarrassed to put all the gory details down on paper. But for the past 15 years I have had a wonderful relationship. We have had our ups and downs of course but we are still together - and I am confident we will remain together.

8 I am a wannabe writer and have had a children's story published through a vanity publishing house.

9 I didnt learn to drive until I was in my thirties. I stared learning in my twenties but kept giving up when I failed my test. I took 3 driving tests in 10 years and passed on the third attempt

10. My worst memory as a parent is when my son was 3. We were camping in France . He was playing about 20 foot from the tent one minute - and the next he was out of sight. The 15 minutes until he was found were the longest and worst of my life

Changes

This blog - and many other weight loss blogs - are all about the changes we have made, want to make,or want to see. Often the most fundamental change we need to make is in us and our attitudes.

Yesterday I was brought face to face with the reality of how lucky I really am. I got the cheque through for the final part of Edna's estate and was able to go to Fosters to pay the final bill and also give Alma Barry and Sue their legacies. The stunned look on all their faces as they looked at the cheques said it all. And I found myself confronting the reality that my view of what a thousand pounds means is very different to theirs. And I found myself wondering if I had become greedy and arrogant. I do hope not.

Handing over the cheques was an emotional experience. It was hard going back to Fosters. Her flat is empty - no curtains at the windows. I automatically looked in as I walked down the path the way I always did when I went to see her. We all ended up in tears in the office - even Barry. I was surprised because Alma said they had never EVER been left anything in a will before. I suppose not many of the residents had estates the size of Edna's. They will be raising a glass to Edna over Christmas -once they have recovered from the shock. I need to raise a glass to Doug who ensured she was so well provided for. And I need to remember every day to be thankful that I am in the position where a thousand pounds is an every day sum of many. Not small change - nowhere even CLOSE to small change - but the sort of sum I am used to dealing with.

I , and every other weight loss blogger , have realised that trying to change one bit of your life -how you manage food- without changing OTHER bits of your life and how you think and feel about yourself is doomed to failure. Thats why diets dont work in the long term. If you are a comfort eater, you need to change how you react to stress so you can stop comfort eating. Then you can KEEP the weight off.

I need to remind myself every day that a lot of the things that stress me are minor and tirvial. I need to prioritise things and get a proper perspective on things. My stress points are largely historical.

15 years ago I left an alcoholic husband and became a single mother with a mortgage. Then I got made redundant - partly because I had a lot of ill health due to my back and had surgery on it. It isn't surprising that I became obsessed with my ability to earn money and keep a roof over our heads. I always thought of myself as poor . I certainly had financial restrictions but even then was lucky to have a way of earning good money.

I still have the same mindset today. But the reality is I have a pension as big as some peoples salaries, still earn more than the average salary and now have a large sum of money in the bank.
A few days ago we all looked at the picture of a model who had been sacked for being too fat - at a size 12 - and our reaction was unanimous. We would ALL love to be 'that fat' I suspect some people will be reading my blog and thinking. My god I would love to be that poor'

I AM LUCKY and I need to remember that. I need to change my mindset RADICALLY.

Food and exercise yesterday were both very out of my normal routine. I did a 15 minute routine then went out to do shopping and the run to Fosters. I ate while I was out (a sausage roll yum) . After I got back from Fosters I started wrapping presents and finally had a snack of bread and peanut butter. Then in the evening all we had was soup and toast because Tony was poorly and didnt want to eat much. O also had a pear and a cherry bakewell tart. But I ate when I was hungry. ate what I wanted (my diet yesterday may have been low in calories - but was about as unhealthy as you can get) and managed to eat slowly. I did do some freestep in the evening and hit both my time and calorie targets.

This morning I have had a cup of coffee - but I must eat soon as I am feeling hungry. I have not exercised yet - but will turn on the wii fit in a bit. I have a house full of christmas food - but dont feel tempted to nibble. So I am confident I am not going overdo the unhealthy food. I have made a healthy choice for breakfast ; porridge made with half skimmed milk and half water sweetened with sugar . Yum!

The rets of today will depend on how Tony is feeling when he wakes up

Talking positive

'New me' got me thinking with her blog appeal to end negative thoughts. I know that what you focus on you get more of. So am I being positive or negative?

Lets see how many positive things I can say about me and what I am doing today

I have clocked up 4 weeks of exercise with the wii fit with no missed days

I have decided on spending money (but less than 20 pounds a month!) to keep my hair styled and my legs waxed. I am also going to get a lip and chin wax next time. Its what I call a L'Oreal moment 'because I am worth it'

I have a 'dream' that gives my life purpose - I am not just drifting.

Compared with many people my age I am in VERY good health. I am certainly in better health than my sister and brother-in-law.

I have a LOT to be positive about.

This morning I have hit BOTH targets with my routine. I was 10 calories short so just did a couple of extra yoga exercises. Now will I still do some free stepping tonight? Normally I do it to hit my calorie target. I probably will because Its now a habit and I think I am past what the guru calls the tipping point. Its easier to do it than NOT to do it

Food yesterday was OK ish. Lunch on the run is never good - but it it saved me from snacking later.

But I cooked pasta for dinner - healthy. I ate fairly slowly - but probably not slowly enough. But I am trying .

I havent commented specifically about how I think I look. I know when I take the trouble with my clothes I look good. I still can't look at myself naked and think I look good. I need Gok I think lol!

I do feel positive this morning.

Eating what I want

Boy did I do that yesterday. Most of my choices were healthy - but I REALLY enjoyed the dorito's we ate last night. A big bag shared between 3 of us. And this morning I don't feel lethargic - infact I woke really hungry.

I have worked out. I did different exercise by accident so am no where NEAR my calorie target - but I can do some free step tonight to make up the defecit

The wii fit asked me today what I thought I weighed. I put in my figure - fairly accurate but higher than I would like and got the the response that I was way out again. Now having stepped on the bathroom scales the other day I know I haven't put ON lots of weight - but I know the wii fit and my scales fo not agree. Maybe I have lost some after all.

The 90 days is nearly up. I will do a body test on Christmas Eve.

The value of blogging

'The secret to reaching your goals may rest in the written word. Writing is a common theme through every stage of successful goal achievement. The act of writing creates a promise, and having that visual promise in front of you every day won't let you forget it. Got a problem remembering what goals you met last week? Start tracking them on a daily basis. No more guessing and fooling yourself. The only way to get a really accurate picture of your progress is to record what you've done when you do it. Got something to say or a breakthrough to announce? Write it in a journal. Journals can show you what works and what doesn't. And the stories of your success can be great motivators in the future, right when you need help the most. From pregnancy start to pregnancy finish, you can help your memory and your goals by putting ink to paper. It can make up for fading memory and keep motivation from fading at all.'

I didnt really need to be reminded of the value of my blog - but since I have been, I've included the reflection here. So what are my goals?

Lose some weight - no lets change that to get into habits that will keep me healthy
Complete my reiki training
Look at ways to use that training

I did complete my time and calorie goals for exercise yesterday. I considered raising my calorie goal - and decided against it. This goal is still a bit of an effort at times.

Food went quite well. I didn't snack much but I know I am still not really following the golden rules properly. Dinner was a disaster because I did a risotto - and the rice stayed rock hard. Its not often I have a cooking disaster thankfully

Work lunches are improving. I am regularly only eating one sandwich instead of 2 - and its not will power its listening to my body

Listening to my body tells me I am tired. I really am finding RHH difficult because I spend so much time standing up.But I have confidence I will find a way through the problem .

I did 36 minutes and 161 calories this morning on the wii fit. So I wont need to do any more tonight. Just as well as Rob is coming round so I wont have the time. I sometimes wonder how much my workouts are adding to my tiredness - but they are not that vigorous.

I still feel emotionally fragile - not helped by a bad nights sleep last night . I feel I am stagnating. there are things I need to do and I'm not doing them.

In a way this blog is a distraction because I coudl do some things in the morning - but dont have time. I need to be more disciplined.

How do I get out of this place??

The Sparkpeople daily reflection

History is written all around you every day. It may not be history that makes the college textbooks, but it's your history just the same. Do you make your own history? Or do you endure the life that others make for you? When you choose a direction and dedicate yourself to it, you make history. When you listen to naysayers who convince you that it can't be done, you endure history. When you set your priorities and stick to them, you make history. When you get distracted by things that you find useless, you endure it. When you decide to have a good day, you create a life you want. When you allow outside forces to dictate your mood, you get the life that's given to you. There are an infinite number of possible histories out there, waiting to be lived. Whatever your life has been up to this point doesn't matter. What counts is the history that awaits you in the future. Which do you choose?

Normally when I read a reflection that means something it motivates me. I understand todays very well - but it just emphasises how stuck I am.

Yesterday was a bad day for food. It wen wrong the moment I got home when Tony offerred me the biscuit barrel with my cup of tea. I said yes - and that started the rot. It turned into a biscuit fest. Why?

I was tired all day yesterday and this morning I still feel lethargic. I have done about 15 minutes workout with light routines . Pat on the back time - I turned the wii fit on and used it. But I am not motivated this morning. I am sitting here with the tv on and al lights blazing when normally I would only have one light on and have the news programme running on my lap top to save power. This morning I need comfort.

I think one problem is that I am 'enduring' RHH at the moment. Can I take any action that will put me back in charge of that bit of my life?

One good thing from yesterday was the Rob - who sadly is experiencing a lot of pain at the moment - jumped at the suggestion of some reiki. So he is having a second treatment tomorrow.

One good thing to counterbalance what feels like a whole day of bad. I really AM in a very bad place at the moment. I need to deal with how I am feeling as a priority - and that means trying to understand why I feel the way I do. Lets hope I can do a fruitful meditation this morning

Still in the doldrums a bit

I DID take action yesterday, and I have taken action this morning - but I still feel down and frustrated by lack of progress. I have come to the conclusion that emotionally I still have a long way to go after Edna's death. Part of me wants to go a howl in a corner - and that is possibly exactly what I should do but can't.

I know I WILL deal with it. That is probably what I need to take action about it. But at the moment I can't decide what to do.

But I haven't given in to comfort eating, and I have kept up with my exercise routine.

So I am doing something right.

I am one minutes and 11 calories short of my target this morning. I will rectify that after work. I have time to meditate this morning before I go to work without rushing.

Today has started OK . This week has started OK. Thats a lot better than having a bad start .

Taking action

I normally ignore the team brief digest from Sparkpeople. Something prompted me to look at todays and I found these words in the featured post

'By taking action we are taking control of our lives. No one else is driving the car. We are the driver! SparkPeople tools are the ideal means to helping us take action toward our goals. They help us not just to lose weight and get fit; they are the tools to help us transform our lives.

It seems like such an easy thing to do, but there have been times I have been paralyzed by frustration, fear, and plain ol� tiredness of putting in all the hard work and not getting the results I wanted or expected. But since there are some aspects on this journey that I could never control, the scale being one of them, I did take control over those areas that I could and this was all done via that one tiny word--ACTION.'

It was that bit about driving the car. It was words similar to that that set me off on my journey 3 years ago. I took action then my working through CYLI7D. Also I feel frustrated at the moment becasue I am not getting the results I wanted in my weight loss jorney or in my development as a reiki therapist..

I needed to read this post the re-assure me that I am on the right track in both areas. I just need to keep on the way I am going and have faith that things will happen.

You can tell how out of sorts I was. I didnt post yesterday. And blogging is part of the action because I so often blog myself into a positive frame of mind.

So yesterday food went well all things considered. i went to meet Jane and Bob to swap presents and cards. We have a meal together - and I finished my meal AFTER both of them. I wasn't conciously thinking 'I must eat slowly' I just did.

We had a chinese meal last night and I couldn't eat all mine and only had about half the rice the restaurant allow (we never have a portion of rice per person) . No biscuits, no mince pies and Steve was highly surprised to discover I dont keep crisps in any more.

I didnt quite hit my calorie goal for exercise yesterday but did hit 32 minutes. But I have over acheived every day this week so my weekly target has been met easily.

I have exercised every day for 3 weeks too. The wii fit was quite impressed!!

I was in the doldrums and I dont know why. But I am coming out them now. The word is 'ACTION'

Finding the calm place within

I realised that what went wrong on Wednesday wasn't that life got very rough but that I wasn't calm. So yesterday I concentrated on staying calm and finding that calm space within me - and yesterday was a much better day with fewer hassles. I think my bad decisions were made because I was NOT calm .

I really need to practise my meditation so I stay calm more

Food yesterday went well. I hit my exercise goals, and when I got a glimpse of myself in a glass door I felt I looked slimmer.

I may not have it got it all right yet - but I seem to be on the right track

The day of bad desicions

Yesterday did NOT go well. I made 2 bad desicions both of which came back to bite me up the @rse!!

I paid the cheque from Edna's estate into the bank before work. I paid it in over the counter as I didnt want a cheque of that size getting lost. So I was a little late on my journey to work. To avoid being late to work I decided to park in the hospital car park. Bad move!! I spent 20 minutes driving round looking for a space so was later to work than I would have been if I had parked in my usual (free!) place and walked. Then to make up the time I was late leaving (15 minutes) and walked to my usual place before realising I had put it in the car park (another 15 minutes) then found I had lost the ticket and had to wait for a security guy to xome out and take my payment manually( 30 minutes) So I didnt get home till nearly 6.

The second bad decision was when I started snacking laste yesterday when I wasn't really hungry. As a result I feel bloated this morning and not hungry leaving me with the dilemma of knowing if I dont eat before 9 I can't eat until 12.30 at the earliest - and probably it will be 1.00 before I get to eat.

I have done a work out (28 minutes 141 calories) and that has made me feel better so I am reasonably optimistic I feel like eating something. I can always eat in the tea room before i go to the dispensary so I ave until 10 really.

Anyway I have drunk this morning. Water coffee and apple juice.

Food was going reallly well until yesterday eveing as well. The hassle getting home upset my equilibrium more than I realised. never mind. Today is a new day and it has started well. I got a good nights sleep - didnt wake up once in the night and woke up about 15 seconds before the alarm went off anyway.

Lets face it you need the lows to realise how good the highs are. And if my aprking decision was bad one the reason I had to make it was a good one. Our family is within touching distance of financial security.

Yesterday at work Geoff wanted to see me and I wondered if I was about to be given my 20 weeksa notice. but no he wanted to know how I would feel about being asked to keep out patients under control leaving the others to do tto's and in-patients. It suits me . They woudnt be makink arrangments like that if they were going to get rid of me in the near future.

I asked Anthony at the agency to let me know if UHB are on the look out for a locum. he seems to think he could get me in there in the new year. I am tired of the travelling to RHH. But it seems as if wherever I am working my medium terms prospects of employment are good.

Life could be a LOT worse than it is - and I am very thankful

Why is notjing working?

Yesterday blogger played up and I lost a post. This morning the balance board was playing up so I could only so 15 minutes of exercise . Sometimes you just feel the universe is against you.

I am not in a good mood this morning.

Food went well yesterday. My biscuit consumption was ZERO!! But I didnt eat dinner as slowly as I could have done. But pizza and chips was delicious.

I have received a cheque from one of Edna's banks so we are half way to having the estate wound up.

Work was OK yesterday. I managed to improve my relationship with a very well meaning but abrasive new resident pharmacist at work. If I am honest one reason why she anoys me is she reminds me a little of me at the same stage - ecxept she is far worse than I ever was. It doesnt help that she is completely scientific and mechanistic in her approach to everything and everyone - including patients! I can't imagine her buying into the idea of the healing arts at all.

OK today hasn't started that well - but I HAVE worked out a bit. I HAVE had a healthy breakfast eaten slowly.

I am stuggling to concentrate on the positive today for some reason and I dont know why.

At the end of the day.......

After a rather dodgy start the day did get better.

I have racked up 42 minutes and 220 calories of exercise. I actually hit both targets this morning but forgot - so I did the normal 10 minutes of free stepping tonight to make sure I met my goals.

I have realised that 161 goal a day target (which equates to 125g a week of fat) adds up to a pound a month or nearly a stone ina year . i could live with that!!

And I know that exercise with increase my BMR. So if I can JUST follow the rules of eating I may just start to lose sigificant amounts of weight

Blogging thing!!

Blogger is playing up - I seems to have lost two days of posts. I spent 20 minutes on this mornings entry. Mind you I had just relaised my blog entry today was not helping me resolve probelms -but making them worse. So I am not going to try and repeat it. I am going to go away and think and hope my self image issues begin to resolve

A productive day

I am very late posting today . It is nearly 6pm and I am cooking dinner.

Yesterday I had a good day - but not a great one. I went out to do some bits and pieces. I took some stuff to the charity shop as part of my pre-xmas tidy - and that reminded me of Edna. I popped into the opticians to make my appointment and took in Edna's old glasses to put in their collection box for the charity tat re-uses them. Again Edna was in my mind. Then getting ready for christmas reminded me of last christmas when Edna came round for the first time ever. I think you can get my drift.

Food went OK but not brilliantly. We had pizza for dinner - an extra large between us with garlic bread (one portion each) and a portion of potato wedges between us. Out of 12 slices of pizza we both only ate 3 - so 6 slices are in the fridge and no dount will do me for a lunch or two.

I did exercise - but just did a boring 30 minutes free step - and failed to reach my calorie target. Oh well at least I tried.


Today has been very productive. I have sorted out and binned some paperwork. Written some christmas cards paid some bills and finally got my business account ingernet banking sorted out and been ablew to pay myself for my work. We have also put the christmas decorations up. In utting them up I have done some cleaning and tidying that has been very good for the soul. We watched 'How clean is your house' this afternoon - and it made me feel guilty.

I still haven't sorted out whether my desire to have a house that looks like a show home is something really in me - or imposed by guilt because Mum was so tidy (as is Jane).

But I'm not going to worry about it too much

I did a 32 minutes 163 calorie exercis routinee on the wii fit plus this morning . I LOVE the combine function. No time to get bored.

I have eatne very little today. I had weetabix pineapple and yoghurt abotu 1.00 (after my bath) and a toasted bagel with peanut butter midafternoon. I haven't felt hungry. I am cooking gamon butternut squash and savoy cabbage for dinner - and its nearly time to go and start the final preparation. I am looking forward to the meal - and I am sure I will be able to eat it slowly

A lazy weekend

Its strange - I still haven't got used to having weekends totally free of responsibility. I have nothing I MUST do today. Plenty of stuff I need to do but no fixed timetable. No rushing to fit it all in.

So here I am in bed with the laptop. Luxury!!!

So I haven't exercised or had breakfast yet. But I am hungry so I must make a move soon. I will exercise at some point today. I have no doubt food will be its usual mix of triumph and disaster - but I will do my best not to slip back into my old bad habits as a practise new healthier habits.

Today Christmas starts. The decorations will be going up. Its early for us but I need Christmas as an antidote to the grief and stress of the past few weeks. Plus Christmas marks the end of this year - and the start of our new life full of opportunity. Maybe what I should be saying is today the new life starts. Now that is a VERY positive thought to end on.

Back to 10 10 10

I did the 10 10 10 rooutine this mornign and clocked up 32 minutes and 175 calories. Its not as much over the 161 target as I thought it might be . So I dont feel I MUST aim for that every day. I enjoy combing the routines on wii fit plus. It gives some variety. And the main thins is that I do exercise a bit every day. Remember the mantra USE IT OR LOSE IT.

Yesterday food was never going to be easy. My emotions were all over the place. They still aren't too good today to be honest. But I didnt over eat at the buffet after the funeral. Dinner at home was ravioli and baked potato. But the biscuit barrel did take a bit of a hit in the evening.

I do think I have a much better sense of when I am full than I used to have. So I am getting better at this slowly.

I think I will enter the Race for Life next year and run in memory of Lindsey. I may try to galvanise some support from the QE and get a group running.

Goals that fit with your values

The lesson from CYLI7D was that if your goals are not being set by your true self you will not find them satisfying. You will probably struggle to achieve them and even if you do you will not feel that sense of achievement you should feel. Today's sparkpeople reflection was one I had seen before - but one the basically re-iterated this point.

The thought that popped into my mind was 'Where does the desire to have a house that looks like a show house come from' I need to think about that.

Today I am going to Lindsey's funeral. My fourth funeral in 18 months and the second time the deceased was younger than me. Thats thought concentrates the mind wonderfully on what your priorities really are.

I have worked out using the 'combine ' option on the Wii fit. 29 minutes and 147 calories. I must do my 10 10 10 routine and check how many calories that uses.

I am eating a very healthy breakfast of 1 weetabix, 1 kiwi fruit half a banana and yoghurt washed down with a mug of apple juice. (The other half of the banana will go in the fruit salad I intend to prepare in a few minutes) So whole wheat, 2 of my 5 -a-day fruit and veg - and the apple juice may help to reduce the risk of dementia. Is this what I want? Yes breakfast has never been an issue. I just wish I could get my other meals as well sorted out. But I am making progress with lunch now I have realised real bread is much nicer than the normal pre-packaged sort. Dinners are OK when I have the energy to cook properly. But Tony's rather whimish taste bugs still provide me with a problem. If I really fancy curry and rice - and he wants sausage and instant mash..........Never mind I am making progress.

Yesterday wasnt a brilliant day for food - and with Chalkie round last night there were biscuits and mince pies on offer. Today is going to be a bitty day with the funeral at 11.30 and then the wake afterwards.

In a srtoke of serendiptious timing , the letters of administration arrived from the court yesterday so I can use part of today to go to Lloyds to get those accounts closed down. I suspect that will be a useful distraction after the funeral.

Healthy mind in a healthy body

I guess everyone knows the above phrase. For some reason I found myself thinking about it this morning. I found myself wondering did Alans unhealthy mind cause him to neglect his body or did the fact that was was unable to get his body healthy make it impossible for him to deal with the problems in his mind. I decided both are interdependent - and that it is important to work on both. I am quite sure that keeping your body healthy is vital for keeping your mind healthy. So the 30 minutes I devote to my exercise routine is as improtant for my mental health as my physical health.

This mornign I recahed both my time a calorie goals -so I dont need to do anythign tonight. But I will still try to fit in 10 minutes free step. After all what do I have to lose? Weight thats what!

I have made a very healthy start this morning with food as well 2 kiwi fruit on my cereal. Some apple juice on the side and I aslo have a large mug of water. I drank a large mug of coffee during my workout.

Lunch at work went well. One sandwich and a piece of fruit. I didnt eat dinner as slowly as I should. And I did do some biscuit munching late on in the evening - but I was hungry.

I do feel things are improving with food. I do feel I am getting a better understanding of Paul's rules and what they really mean. I just hope I soon start to see a difference in how I look and feel.

Yesterday the wii fit told me my ideal weight was 8 st 7 lbs. All I can say is get real. I got told I looked unhealthy when I weighed a little over 9 stone. If I can get down to 10 st I will be ecstatic!

Variety is the spice of life

I am really enjoying my new work out framework. I use the combine function on the Wii fit plus and do a variety of exercises - including some I have never done before - and at the end I get a calories count as well as a minute count. After this mornings efforts I am 4 minutes and 14 calories short of my two targets (30 minutes and 161 calories )

Food yesterday went really well. At lunch I had one sandwich (1 slice of bread) instead of 2. And I had a cereal bar rather than fruit AND a cereal bar. I did have one chocolate biscuit on on quick break. I ate a banana on the way home. At home I didnt have a single biscuit. I managed to eat dinner fairly slowly and when I did have somethign to eat (cheese and biscuits) I was hungry and that was what I wanted. I didnt eat it as slowly as I could have done though

Now if only I can keep up the momentum and build on yesterdays success I will be getting somewhere.

I had a phone call from Gordon yesterday to tell me Lindsey had died a few days ago. The funeral is on Thursday. I am so grateful to him for telling me. No-one from work has bothered to let me know - which is a bit upsetting. She died at home with Gordon and the girls beside as she wished. She died very quickly in the end too. I get the feeling she decided that id she was going to die she just wanted it over and done with. She was that sort of person. There is no doubt it has been easier on Gordon and the girls this way - although Christmas is going to be a nightmare for them.

Here comes Christmas

Tomorrow is December 1st - and we are on the run down to Christmas. That is what will keep me going at work over the next 3 weeks. I really dont want to go to work today. I am in a strange mood and I dont know why. I feel very emotional.

For once I didnt get up when the alrm went off. I lay there trying meditation - which was partially succesful - but I wasn't downstarirs until 6.55. It is now 8.20 and I have
Fed the cats
Made my lunch
Eaten cereal - slowly
blogged in my other blog
done a work out and clocked up 28 minutes. I used the routines on the wii fit whihc are a fun way to do things. I have set myself a daily calorie burn target of 163 calories - and after my 28 minutes I have 24 to go. I can do that tonight with 10 minutes of free step.
And I am now doing this blog while eating toasted waffles and drinking frut juice.

So I have been productive this morning - but it has been a bit of a rush - so I am eating the waffles a bit too fast so I can go and shower and still have time for a proper meditation before I leave for work.

Time management

I often do feel as if I have too much to do and not enough time to do it in. But a conversation yesterday when I found myself advising someone to say no sometimes has got me wondering how many of my time dilemmas are self inflicted

For instance why do I feel I MUST do a 30 minutes workout each day? And why MUST it be in the morning? I know I need structure to what I do, and I am the kind of person who works best to a deadline but the structure and the deadline need purpose. If they don't then they are pointless and just cause stress as you try to work within them and guilt when you fail. Thats the whole idea behind Paul's plan. You can't cheat so there is no need for guilt . The only rule is to follow the rules.

Did I follow the rules yesterday. Well i didnt too badly. I did fine until I got to Jenny's huse for the circle. I bought some sandwiches to eat as I drove down. I ate one and realised I wasn't hungry so left the other in the packet - and it is now in the fridge. But jenny supplied us with biscuits and then liquorice allsorts. I am afraid I succumbed to too many. And I can't honesty say I was hungry when I ate them. But when I got home things went OK. I coked rather than have a takeaway. I had an apple probably an hour after I finished the chilli - but I did have a couple of biscuits . Also I was hungry when I went to bed so I took a cereal bar up with me - but I really WAS hungry.

I even did 20 minutes free step while watching tv yesterday evening.

So all in all not too bad. Today has started OK. I am staring at the wii fit (I had a tidy uop yesterday so there is more room to use it now!) and thinking 'shall I or shan't I' I have had breakfast (a toasted bagel yum) some water some fruit juice and a large mug of coffee . I have stuff to put down in my other blog and I am undecided whether to do that or 'move my body'

Tuning in I am still a bit sleepy and have a few niggles here and there. My stomach is still telling me I am hungry but I dont really fancy anything to eat. Emotionally I feel focussed which is good. The thought or question in my mind is how can I make progress with my meditations.

I can excercise later. The other blog is my priority at the moment.

Road blocks to success

Todays reflection was about imaginary monsters that impede your progress and how a confident approach is best. Grasp a thistle timidly and it pricks you - grasp it firmly and the spines crumble. Roadblocks can be beaten if you make a confident approach even if you only progress an inch at a time.

I have decided to see if I can identify my roadblocks in my weight loss programme and in life generally .

Eat when you are hungry - my lunch break at work is taken to suit the department not me so sometimes I get hungry before I can take my break. More rarely I have to have my lunch before I am truly hungry

Eat what you want - preparing my lunch in advance and what Tony doesn't want to eat at tea time make this tricky at times

Eat slowly - this is down to practice mainly - but a 30 minutes lunch break doesn't encourage slow eating especially when I know I wont be able to eat again until I am out of the dispensary so I feel I have to eat enough to stop me getting hungry. This also impacts on ...........

Stop before you are full. Again this is down to practice - but see above

Drink water - I can't have water with me in the dispensary so have to keep vanishing to the tea room so I have to wait until it is convenient to vanish for a minute or 2

Decluttering and getting the house better organised - its the scale of the task that defeats me.Plus the fact that I think Tony doesn't really see the problem the same way I do. But I HAVE made a start and am trying to tackle it small chaotic area at a time. I must pick my area to this weekend!!

Earning money other than by going to RHH every day. I need to make sure I have the skills necessary to work somewhere else whether that is in the community, or working as a reiki practitioner. I have to be thankful that work at RHH is quite congenial even if it is not excatly what I want.

But making sure I have the skills means practicing the necessary skills - and that takes time

I think time is my biggest problem . Maybe that is what I REALLY have to organise.

Feeling tired

You cannot hope to build a better world without improving individuals.

The past few days at work I have been very frustrated by the way the junior pharmacists manage things when they are in charge. This quote has made me wonder if there is some way I can help them improve the way they do things without being confrontational about it. Trouble is one of them gives me the impression that as a locum I am lwoest of the low - just a pawn to be shuffled about. Well today at wotk I will keep this quote in mind and take any chance I see to improve their management skills!

I am demotivated this morning. Can't find the energy to turn the wii fit on so I am sitting here typing this and chatting on MSN. I have eaten a small breakfast fairly slowly - but will almost certainly eat again before I go out.

Yesterday food went OK. At one point in the evening I knew I wanted something but instead of hitting the biscuit barrel thought about what I wanted - and did us both some buttered malt loaf. It was much more satisfying than the biscuits would have been. It has taken a long time but finally I am beginning to experience what eating what you want really does. Better late than never.

I am very tired at the moment and I am not sure why. It could be that I am doing too much. It could be I am a little anaemic. It could be all in the mind. It could be a combination of all those and maybe other factors as well. Tiredness is as much in the mind as it is in the body. I suspect part of it is lack of daylight. Since the holiday I have seen very little daylight because there is no natural light at work. I may try to get out of the department at lunchtime just to get some daylight today. I may also decide to treat myself to lunch from the coffee shop.

I need to go out twice over the weekend. Once tonight to the game - and tomorrow is the psychic circle. At the moment I only feel I have energy for one - and I know its the circle I really want to go to - but I can't duck out of the game without causing chaos. I am really REALLY hoping that it gets called off without me doing me anything. But my instincts are telling me a lot of my lethargy is in my mind not my body. So maybe going to both will be the best thing. I am not sure - but I am sure if I relax and open up my instincts will guide me - the way they guide me to the right food. Now there's a thought. That could be at the bottom of my current failure to lose weight - that I am not really listening to my body and my instincts yet about WHAT to eat. Food for thoght indeed!

How will I be remembered?

Are you a lion or a lamb?

How will your life be remembered? Will your story be lost among the millions who were afraid to take a chance? Or will you leave something noble behind? There's nothing to gain by following the crowd or doing what you've always done. You may as well put yourself out to pasture. But there's everything to gain by believing that you're king or queen of the jungle, even if just for a day. (Go ahead and roar if you want to.) Each of us has an amazing opportunity to live large if we allow it. It takes leaving the comfort of our familiar meadows and walking into the unknown. Once you take that chance, you've made your days worthwhile. Even if you have few resources, adventure is around every corner, and life is waiting to be devoured. If you were to write the book of your life, would you want to read it?

This reflection did make me think. That is probably a good thing because I am feeling very tired and a bit down this morning. But as I read this I fund myself remembering how I DON'T follow the crowd. I really annoy some of my fellow pharmacists because I refuse to condemn homeopathy. I am sure a LOT of people would think i had gone nuts by trying to train my 6th sense. And I am positive my fellow professionals would be aghast at the idea that I want to find a way to combine my professional skills with the reiki skills. They would probably be aghast at the idea that I use reiki and dont condemn it is phoney. And as for the idea that I once saw a ghost - well a lot of people would think I am ready for a straight jacket.

But I do wonder if I will be remembered as a bit of a looney. Anyway I came to the conclusion that I could not be accused of being a lamb and following the crowd - even if I dont roar like lion much.

I woke up this morning feeling very tired and very down. I have already decided I will have to cancel the visit to Rachel tonight because I am just too tired at the moment. My mind still has more stamina than my body sadly.

But I DID turn the wii fit on - even if I only did 14 minutes. And thinking about yesterdays food intake although it wasn't very healthy I ate when I was hungry. I grazed yesterday off some delicious food in the tea room including some stollen which I love. At lunch I only ate the sandwiches. I ate the cereal bar in the car on the way home. I didnt snack last night at all really. So not a brilliant day - but not a total failure.

The mirror tells me I look OK - even if my mind tells me I could look better.

I am plodding away doing my best to eat properly and get exercise. I can recognise my achievements and acknowledge my failures - and I do try to learn from them.

I am not sitting here blaming everyone else for my situation - I am doing what I can to change things.

When I woke this morning I was very down. But reading that piece has got me into a more positive frame of mind. Also I know exercise is always a good antidepressant. I am still going to cancel the visit to Rachel. Its the 30 minute drive to get there that I can't face. And I do know my limits. But I am going into the day feeling good about myself - and that always helps keeps food under control.

Step Aerobics

I did a lot of that in Cornwall - and I did a lot more yesterday . I ended up parked on the 10th flor of the multi story car park on my trip to the probate office. So I walked down the starirs, and the half ile to the court building. Then I walked back, got the lift up as far as I could then walked from floor 6 to floor 10. Realised the pay machine was on the ground floor so walked down again then walked back up ALL 10 FLIGHTS because the lifts are the type that make me most nervous. On top of my work out yesterday morning and 4 hours at work with no break I ended last night very tired. The letters of probate should arrive next week . Hurrah!

Food started well yesterday with breakfast but lunch was eaten on the run on the trip from work to the probate office. Dinner was not eaten as slowly as I would have liked - but I did resist the mindless snacking reflex. I drank lots of water too - especially as I gave Steve a reiki treatment and that always makes me thirsty. I woke up VERY thirsty this morning too.

So yesterday was not too bad. Today it is a more normal day with a full day at work. This is the first week of me as a limited company too. Exciting times!

I do feel more positive about myself when I look in the mirror so I am ignoring body tests for the moment. The wii fit reminded me this morning that eating slowly is a good idea. Hmm am I in for a barrage of messages from the cosmos about slow eating? It is a habit I need to get into - so I just need to practice

I still feel quite tired this morning and my back is definitely unhappy after all the stairs .yesterday I have only done 14 minutes on the wii fit. I used two of their routines. Warm up and over indulged. I goofed on one of the warm up routines -bird bullseye- so didnt rack up as many minutes as I could have done - and re-try isn't an option when you are running through a routine. But I had no intention of doing a full 30 minutes. I have my limits and I know when I am pushing myself beyond them. My back s giving me a clear message - and I am listening to it.

So I am not full of energy - but I don't feel lethargic. I am optimistic even though I have a lot of paperwork to face. I think I can say with some confidence things are not going too badly at the moment.

The run up to Christmas

That is what I am on now. That is what will keep me going as I get back to work today. I am glad it is just a half day though, I am leaving it 2.00 so I can get to the court for the interview to get the letters of probate on Edna's will.

Yesterday I did get going as I wanted. I even did 39 minutes on the wii fit as I played with the customisable routines. Not sure I've got to grips with them yet - but I had fun. Food was OK - but not as healthy as I would like. I sucumbed to cheese on digestive biscuits.

This morning I did 30 minutes on the wii fit. I am still playing with the customisable routines - I used one this morning. But I can't ut together a routine that uses my favourite excercises which is a nuisance.

I found myself adding up the calories I had used (the wii fit now gives you the at information) and converting that to grams of fat. 10 minutes free step uses about 50 calories - which is about 5g of fat (Ig of fat provides 9 calories) 450 grams (about a pound) equates to 4050 calories - which sounds a lot to use up - but divide it by 7 - to get a daily calorie use - and you end up with 578 calorie use extra. Which sounds a heck of a lot of excercise. BUT it isn't just the excercise its the reduction in food intake and the increase in BMR tat all adds up to wieght loss. So I musn't get too stuck on the figures.

I haven't done a body test since I got the Wii fit plus. I wonder if I should?

Winter

It is very definitely wintery now and I am feeling quite low and unmotivated again. I am so glad I am not back at work until tomorrow. I am also feeling daunted by the amount of stuff I have to do at the moment.

Food wasn't too bad yesterday although I didnt eat my dinner very slowly. But then I didn't really enjoy it very much either. I think that was the difference on holiday. All the food was delicious. I think I need to look at my cooking techniques .

I did well with water yesterday and in terms of quantity of food I know I did well yesterday. So in old terms my calorie intake was down.

Winter does bring on the urge for comfort food though. And I must guard against that. Not all comfort food is bad though. Porridge (one of my favourites) is about as healthy as it can get. I need to listen to my body - and hope my mind doesn't scramble the message. I suspect that happens a lot.

I havn't put the wii fit on yet - and suspect I may not till a bit later. I feel lethargic this morning. I dont WANT to do anything. But I am hungry and I may well feel more energetic once I have eaten something.

I am going to set myself a target that by 10.00 at the latest (and it is now 8.30) I will be dressed and actually doing things - not sitting here feeling sorry myself .

Come back tomorrow to see if I managed it

Hello wii fit

Today I tried to get back into a more normal routine so it was on to the wii fit before I did anything this morning. I only did 20 minutes - but it was a tough 20 minutes and I tried some of the new yoga and muscle routines.

I cooked us bacon sandwiches for breakfast - and I can't finish mine. This is partly because I did myself a slice of granary bread and butter before I went for meditation . I was hungry so I ate. Then I cooked the sandwiches - becasue I was still hungry. Now however I am full.

I have drunk a lot of water this morning as well.

So I feel I have a good start to getting back into a healthy routine.

But I am stil physically very tired from the drive back.

The run to Christmas begins now

Are you creating your own life?

Take a moment to look at the circumstances of your world. Is it what you want to see? What could you do differently to take one step closer to your ideal vision? We're all dealt different hands in life. That's how things are. To change things, you have to first accept that fact, then figure out where to go from here. We should all be able to count on each other for help, but in the end, we can't expect anyone to change our lives except ourselves. Nor should we want it that way. It's natural to feel powerless and give up in the face of hardships, but complaining and blaming do nothing except prevent action. Without positive action, you're giving up your power and asking for more of the same--a world you did not create. Where you start may not be your fault, but the course you run is still your choosing.

Today's reflection was a good one for me. Not only did it remind me that I do have a plan - but it also reminded me how far I have come in the 3 years since I first read CYLI7D. It reminded me how much I genuinely do have to feel proud about in terms of what I have done to turn things round for myself.

I am very down about being back home. It isn't that I want to be on holiday 52 weeks a year but there was spmething about Cornwall that appealed to me. I could be very happy living and working there. Maybe that is something to aim for in the future? At the moment Christmas needs serious consideration - and I know the preparations for that will soon cheer me up.

I really would like to lose some weight before Christmas - but I am not going to stress over it. I am happy that my whole relationship with food is much MUCH better than it was. last week proved that. So I no longer have to fear putting lots of weight on over the holiday season. I need to concemtrate on sticking to the 4 rules - and the rest will follow.

That end of holiday feeling

We are home and I am fed up and depressed about the holiday being over. I have really bad heartburn, I am really tired from the drive home and I just want to curl up in a corner and howl.

I am also far to tired to cook - so we are expecting a pizza delivery any moment. But I have only ordered a large not an extra large. So we will have 4 slices each - more than enough.

I only used the wii fit once on holiday - but we did LOTS of walking and this holiday will be remembered as the holiday of all the stairs. We seemed to climb so many!

My diet on holiday was not healthy - no fruit, and no breakfast cereals. BUT compared with other holidays I ate far less than I would have done pre Paul. I didnt have starter main course and pudding once. And if the main course was too much I didnt even have pudding. I didnt eat loads of sweets and biscuits. I didnt really snack much at all.

So I dont feel I have totally 'ruined' my weight loss progress - but I dont feel I did a lot to advance it either.

But I didnt abandon the rules.

Food is so much easier now

I have never had a holiday where I have found food so easy to manage. Today we had a brunch. I had a panini - and could only manage half of it. So I wrapped the other hald up and ate it later when I was hungry. I was still quite full when we popped in for a cup of tea - and I didnt even think about having a snack with it.

But the triumph was dinner tonight. Normally I would have starter mains and dessert. I knew I wouldnt manage that so we didnt have a starter. I couldn't eat all my main course - and we didn't have any side orders like garlic bread that normally I would have had. I did eat all my dessert - but it was totally delicious. I know I am eating FAR less this holiday than the old me used to - and I am so pleased!!

On holiday

Fo0d is not going too badly at all. I have been following Paul's rules quite well. So today we had 'brunch' of a sausage and egg sandwich, an afternoon tea (cream tea with scone clotted cream and jam) and in a bit we will be having pizza. We have biscuits sweets and a packet of bakewell tarts in out room. I have been able to resist the urge to binge and eat juts because they are there.

Yesterday I couldm't wat all of the lovely meal we had in a local pub.

So far so good. I am quietly confident that even though my diet is not as healthy as usual, I am not going to put weight on this week.

PS We are having a fabulous time

The holiday starts here

I believe that anyone can conquer fear by doing the things he fears to do, provided he keeps doing them until he gets a record of successful experiences behind him.

- Eleanor Roosevelt, human rights advocate

OK thats a strange quote to start this entry with - but it is apt because yesterday I set myself up as a limited company and got a business bank account. It was opening the account that was the point of no return for me. This something tat scares me because I dont feel I have a good record when it comes to making these sorts of decisions. I am always nervous when making financial decisions, always sure I will make the wrong choice. But I haven't let it put me off making decisions - although I do still probably take too long to make them. All I can say is the decision to set myself up this way feels right for all slrts of reasons. Hopefully I will be reporting it as a succesful experience in the end.

Yesterday food did not go well at all. The main reason was I was so busy I couldnt eat when I was hungry - so when I DID eat I was so hungry I ate too fast. Interstingly my biscut consumption was way down. What i ate was fairly healthy.

Paul's rules are so ingrained into me now , I dont have to worry about overeating this week - however delicious the food on offer. But I do know when we stop for a cup of tea or coffee the temptation to treat ourselves to some cake will be quite high.

I know I will have wii fi access in Cornwall - but I'm not sure how easy it will be access it so I am not sure how regular my entries will be over the next week.

Confession time

Food yesterday went badly, a double twix bar at lunctime -and I ate both bars. Ginger biscuits in the evening - I think it ended up at 8 over a few hours. This morning doing a 'beyond choc' tune in physically I am aware of pain in my leg and IBS pain,and I am hungry. In fact I am munching a piece of toast as I type this. Err make that munched as I just finished it. Emotionally I am nervous bizarre as that sounds. And the thought or question is will we get away on holiday OK with everything sorted out? This is clearly what I am nervous about,

I am up way too early for a holiday day -and I can't even blame the cats because they stayed downstairs. So why am I downstairs at 7.00am? I guess its the feeling that I have lots to do before we go tomorrow.

One advantage of not dieting is that you can take bits and pieces from other systems that seem helpful. So I do the tune -in. One of the beyond choc rules is that you must put all food on a plate. I am wondering if this would be helpful for me. I am wondering if I would have eaten so many biscuits last night if they had been on a plate. Well all I can do is try it and see what effect it has.

Beyond Chocolate also produced this
FOOD FOR THOUGHT

For most of us, Christmas and New Year involve some kind of party, socialising or get together. How do you feel about the coming festive season? Are you busy calculating how much you could lose in the next 6 weeks? Or are you feeling confident and happy about how you look? What small step can you take to ensure that you look forward to the celebrations without worrying about your weight and the size and shape of your body?

At one level I have been calculating excatly that. My 90 days (look back a few weeks and you will see the start of that) ends on Xmas Eve. The goal was to get below 14st for Xmas. Part of my thinks 'I could stll do that. In 6 weeks I could lose 12 lbs'

I not only have the holiday season - I have a holiday as well.

The beauty of Paul's system is that holidays don't make a difference. As long as you follow the rules thats all you need to do. The rules automatically stop you binging and overeating. And it does work. I have seen time and time again how different my approach to food is. No longer do I eeat a full cooked breakfast, and have cereal and toast and ask for extra toast in a hotel. I can leave mince pies IN THE BOX. That bar of choclate is still in the fridge UNTOUCHED and I have no desire to open it.

My relationship with food is much MUCH better. So why am I not losing weight?

Lets be honest I don't know if I am losing weight or not because I am not weighing myself. Well lets be honest I did step on the scales a couple of days ago and was releived to see the numbers had changed from the number that so scared me a few weeks ago. It once again told me I am nearer 14st than 15st. But what I haven't done is do a body test on the wii fit which is what I regard as my 'real' weight. Too much of a coward after the shock it gave me the other week - but even then I didn't do a body test so I dont know exactly what it thought I weighed. And I have no idea how good the correlation is between the wii ft and my bathroom scales.

There is clearly something odd going on in my head about this whole issue and I really need to work it out.

But the bottom line is I am not that unhappy with how I look when I make an effort with my clothes. Clearly not only has my attitude to food changed - but my attitude to ME has changed.

The one thing I have never been able to do effectively is visualise a thin me. I have a photograph of me weighing about 10 and a half stone and my family have suggested I could use that image. But that image doesn't work because in the photo I am with Alan - and I know the me in that picture is very unhappy. And I don't want to go there. Maybe that is my real problem. I dieted very succesfully - with support from Alan - and got down to 10st. But Alan destroyed my self image. I wonder if I subconciously think a thinner me must be an unhappier me?

Any weight loss system that doesn't recognise the effect of the mind on the body is doomed to failure in my opinion. I am convinced I have had a 'eureka' moment in that previous paragraph. Food for thought - the sort of food that won't give you any weight problems!

Sometimes the message is too loud to ignore

How do you keep everything in perspective?

Is there anything that Ziggy doesn't know? In the cartooning universe, he's often placed in hopeless situations, pitted against a world that doesn't make sense. He's an agreeable punch line for the quirks of human nature. Yet he's able to brush off his mishaps and focus on the opportunities that today brings. He can also look to the future with hope, knowing full well that more struggles may lie ahead. Most of all, he can look at himself and have a good chuckle. Do you make yourself anxious about things that might happen or stew over mistakes you've made? Don't let a preoccupation with tomorrow or yesterday rob your ability to face that crazy world with a smile. For Ziggy, today is today. It's not a good day; it's not a bad day. It's a day. And he knows that it's important to give that day the value it deserves.

Yesterday was a dreadful day at work. I left angry and upset feeling undervalued by my fellow pharmacists - well the junior ones practising their management abilities at least. I found myself wondering even harder if RHH was the right place for me. I found myself considering using my pendant to try and get an answer. In fact I WAS going to use the pendant this morning. But first I decided asking now before the holiday would be foolish. I don't need to know. then I decided using the pendant at all would be frivolous. And then I saw the above piece from Sparkpeople. I realised I had got the situation out of perspective - and more importantly I am wondering if today will give me an opportunity to show my doubtless well meaning -but managerially inept - colleagues in training what I am worth. I may even be able to teach them something. I have confidence I will get through today - which I didn't have earlier.

Amazingly yesterdays angst didnt cause a splurge of comfort eating - but I did indulge in some snacking.

Lunch felt rushed - but I have realised I do eat my lunch much slower than I used to. I was too tired to cook last night so Tony heated up some ravioli. So dinner was quite small as he did one tin between us instead of a tin each- and eaten quite slowly. I did have some biscuits and some cheese and crackers. I also had some more crisps - which I really didnt enjoy. It is a large sharing bag of sweet potato crips. I have decided the throw the rest away as neither of us like them.

I stopped to fill up with petrol on the way home. To my pleasure I had no real desire to buy a chocolate bar to munch on the rest of the drive. Once the chocolate bar would have been an automatic purchase with the petrol. Despite all the angst the chocolate bar in the frisge remained untouched - with no effort. When I think about things like that I realise how far I have come in developing healthy eating habits

This morning initially I couldn't face exercise but then realised what I couldn't face was the new exercises. It was my mind not my body that was having a problem. So I went totally simple and did 20 minutes free stepping. Nto a record breaking effort - but at least I did it.

This morning I have drunk lots of water, a large mug of coffee (with sugar) and have a large glass of apple juice. I am eating my breakfast slowly - and considering what to make for my lunch today. At the moment I don't have a clue.I may go mad and buy something from the cafe as don't have any dinner leftovers I could take in. Whatever I have I suspect it will not be healthy - but it will be what I really want!

Hmm I know but...............

A light supper, a good night's sleep and a fine morning have often made a hero of the same man, who, by indigestion, a restless night and a rainy morning would have proved a coward.

I know how important sleep is - but the bottom line is I don't sleep as well as I would like. I am an inveterate early riser who finds it impossible to sleep after 6.30 most of the time. I have Paul's I can make you sleep - and it still doesn't help.

Anyway despite a broken night last night I feel OK this morning. I have exercised. Most of it wasn't counted by the wii fit because I had to end one exercise before I finished. But I still know I've done it. And I have still used the calories up!

Food went OK until 10.00ish last night when the snack gremlin jumped into the works . I didn't even really enjoy the crisps. How barmy is that? Why did I eat them? I am my own worst enemy sometimes

I did drink a lot yesterday. I got through a litre of water at work. It was quite qarm and I had to keep swigging. This morning I have had 300ml of water, 300ml of apple juice and 400ml of coffee. That's more in the hour since I've been up than I used to drink in a whole day at one point. I guess that is one habit I can tick and say I am past the tipping point.

I probably didn't eat my lunch yesterday as slowly as I could have done. But I was hungry - and I only have a 30 minute lunch break.

I am beginning to think quite hard about whether I want to stay at RHH. It has an unhappy atmosphere at the moment and I don't know why. Also daft as it sounds I don't feel really welcome there any more. I don't really feel valued. Locums are being excluded from the flu vaccination programme. How stupid is that. if they need locums surely they want us to stay healthy? As with everything else I will give it until the New Year to decide. Maybe the decision will be taken away from me by circumstances.

I honestly think its only the knowledge that I only have to work 2 more days that is keeping me going this week. I do need this holiday. I suspect everythig will look very different when I have had a good break.

Countdown to the holiday

Three days at work - then I am off for 11 days!! Anyone would think I was looking forward to it lol

Food was OK ish yesterday but I didn't eat as slowly as I could or should have done. And in the evening I had a bit of a biscuit fest. I wasn't feeling well and it was pure comfort eating. The sdilly thing is I didn't really enjoy the biscuits that much. When will I learn to stick to the rules

This morning I have only done 15 minutes on the Wii fit but I have played with some of the new routines. It does make it more interesting. part of the time when I dont do the full 30 minutes its a bit of boredom with the routine.I think my basic 10 10 10 idea is still good (10 minutes slow aerobic like step plus, 10 minutes cardio like jogging and 10 minutes of anything else) but I need to find a selection of different excercises that will do that for me.

The day has started well. I am eating my breakfast (1 weetabix a kiwi fruit some grapes and natural yoghurt) slowly - and enjoying it. I pre-prepared my lunch sandwiches yesterday (how organised an I?) and grabbed a pack from the freezer this morning together with an orange and a cereal bar. I haven't drunk any water today yet - and thinking about it my water intake was nil yesterday. That was silly of me. I am on my second cup of coffee tho.

Yesterday I was full of positive thoughts. I still am, despite the fact that I am struggling with Paul's rules, feel I am not losing weight, and feel I am making very slow progress with my meditations.

I guess that is because I know I am not going to give up. I have proved to myself that I am NOT a quitter. I know I am healthier than I was when I first started Paul's programme and that has always been my primary goal . I can tell I am healthier because of how my knees and back feel - basically neither gives me much of a problem now. And I know my blood pressure is OK. No-one is suggesting I need medication of any sort.

Just found this in my mailbox. !!

Are you afraid to try or are you afraid to fail?

A well-lived life is not for the timid. The world was never meant to be approached with extra caution and fear of making mistakes. Kids know that you have to jump in feet first and be willing to take some lumps on the head if you're going to have any fun. When did we stop trying new things? Why did we stop taking risks? In large part, we're afraid of messing up. We've settled into our comfort zones and don't want to look like a fool to ourselves or others. What's the price we pay for our pursuit of perfection? No growth, no sense of discovery, few real experiences. The sacrifice isn't worth it. Are there points in your life that you wish you could have back because you didn't pursue an idea or a new interest? Those chances are gone forever--but you'll have more in the future to take full advantage of. It's been said that most people don't learn much that's new past their 20s. That's an awful long time to stay stagnant. The only mistake you should be afraid to make is not trying.

I am trying!!!

And for a 57 year old overwieght woman - that is quite an acheivment

How true

iving according to your true values

The best intentions matter little if your daily life doesn't reflect those values. How can you make sure that your thoughts and actions match? Good or bad, your values are shaped by your actions just as much as they do the shaping. Actions that are true to your values build a stronger personal foundation that others can see. Why are the memories of our greatest personal and public heroes so powerful and timeless, long after they're gone? They stood for something. They were living, breathing examples of the values they prized. It takes courage, a belief in yourself and strong determination. But it can be done. Do one thing today that shows the world what you believe. Do one thing that you know is right. Do one thing that would make your hero smile.

the above reflection is pure CYLI7D. And I think I have just done something that fits the bill. I gave a friend Paul's 4 rules to help her with her weights problems.

I am really enjoying my weekend. I managed not to overeat yesterday. And I felt enegetic enough to cook - becasue none of the normal takeaway options really appealed to me. Plys cooking meant I was moving. I did 30 minutes free step yetsterday

I have bene up for 4 hours thanks to the cats! I have eaten - but feel hungry again - but it is 2 hours since I ate!. I have played with the new porgrammes on the wii fit - and boy can I feel it!! So I have moved my body.

I am relishing the thought that I only have to work 3 more days before my holiday WWOOOHOOOO. This time next week I will be in Cornwall!!!! Can you tell I am looking forward to it??

Tony suggested taking the wii fit with us. It isn't that big - so why not? It is horrible when it sneers at you and says it hasn't seen you lately. Bullied by a balance board - whatever next lol.

I am feeling good, positive, optimistic and lots of other good things. I am going to do everything I can to keep things that way

Time to relax and think

Are you paying attention to how your time is spent?

Days don't get shorter. Our attention spans do. How can summer be over in a blink while it seems like the weekend will never get here? Because we're not paying attention. Five days out of seven, we're waiting for something else to happen in the future, and we don't take advantage of the day that we hold in our pocket. Have you ever had someone ask what you did last week--or even yesterday--and had trouble coming up with an answer? You probably wouldn't have had any problem at all if your time were spent on something meaningful for you. Don't wait for tomorrow! Ignore the calendar and work with one day at a time. Fill that one day with stuff you'll pay attention to, the stuff that memories are made of. A little bit of focus will help you get rid of that hectic blur.

Its strange but this week at work has got me thinking about whether I really want to stay at RHH. It isn't patient facing enough for me. It doesn't give me the opportunity to teach others which is the other satisfying thing. It has been a hectic blur this week. The above reflection (if you haven't found them yet they are at Sparkpeople .com) has the feel of confirmation that I dont have to put up with the way things are - whihc I always knew. But more importantly it may be telling me I shouldn't be putting up with it and that maybe a change is needed.

It is Saturday morning and I am IN BED with the laptop. I am planning a day of doing NOTHING really except what I find enjoyable or chose to do.

LUXURY.

Doing a beyond choc tune in Physically I am tired but no major aches and pains. Emotionally I am calm despite the sad news of Rachel's miscarriage yesterday. Thought or question is How can I enjoy myself today?

Food yesterday went well. The amount I walked at work meant I can say exercise ALSO went well.

I have found myself thinking this morning about why I am so fixated about the number on the scales. I read a piece the other day entitled 'why the scales lie' I know from my brief experiment with daily body tests that body weight isn't a fixed number. The piece I read followed Paul's thinking about how your clothes feel are your rings lose, how do you think you look. I used to llok at myself in a full length mirror and see a dumpy Queen Victoria type of image. Now I see an iamge that is NOT dumpy . It is still not as thin as I would like but it is acceptable. I actually look at other people and think they may be bigger than me!!

I think you DO need to step on the scales once every month or so - but I think other assessments are better than the scales. I hate the way I look in the changing room mirrors when I go clothes clothes shopping . I somehow look 10 times worse than standing in front of the bathroom mirror after my shower. I am not too keen on that reflection either - and that is what keeps me motivated to lose weight - plus my desire to be healthier than fitter. So I dont need the scales ....but I do still care about what they say .

I seem to be in a strange mood this morning. It must be the efect of all this time and nothing to do. Normal service will be resumed tomorrow

The weekend is nearly here

It is sill strange to approach the weekend without thoughts running through my head about fitting in Edna. In fact this weekend for the first time in ages I have NO PLANS. There is nothing I have planned. I will just be spending the weekend with Tony. I can clear up remaining bits and peices to do with Edna like send of cheques to pay some bills, I can get momento's off to June and ring Len to let him know we will be popping in a week today. But that will take very little time. I can chill, get in some serious PS3 time - maybe finish FF12!! I can get some paint for the hall. I can go and buy a new bed. I can do some serious de-cluttering. But the point is I dont HAVE to do ANY of them. if I want to stay in bed or just watch mindless TV I can. Its wonderful.

But the one thing I am NOT going to do is turn my back on Paul's rules. OK so how did things go yesterday? Actually pretty well

I didn;t do any more on the wii fit yesterday - but work was VERY busy and I can tick 'Move your body'

Lunch went well -I enjoyed the sandwich and didnt eat eat any of the cereal bars I had with me in case I fancied something crunchy.

Dinner went well. We had pizza (cooked at home) Originally I was going to add a baked potato but then changed my mind because I knew I would be full without it - and I was right. I ate the pizza slowly and had room for a little more when I finished it. The only snacking I did was a mince pie - but I was peckish when I had it. And I only ate one. Once I would have had 2 but 1 was enough.

I drank lots of water yesterday.

This morning I have not done a full workout. I am still playing with the new wii fit. That is something I will do over the weekend - put together my own routine. Obviously I have to try the exercises out - but that will be fun.

I did half an hour extra at work yesterday . It was very busy . I reckon I can work till 4.30 on a more regular basis - but not every day.

For a moment today, don't worry about being better. Just be.

'For a moment today, don't worry about being better. Just be.'

It was just the last line in the daily reflection that made me go 'thats good' In the context of the journey towards a healthier body and lifestyle, 'just being' is important. 'Just being' accepts that you have your place in the world as you are now. 'Just being' enables you to enjoy where you are NOW. 'Just being' gives you the chance to celebrate the good NOW.

The journey to a healthy body is liely to be long and tricky. If you can't enjoy the journey you will give up. 'Just being' may just keep you travelling in the right direction.

I havny done a proper workout this morning. I have played around with the Wii fit plus - but did NOT do a body test as it didn't insist I did. Am I a coward? The new exercises look good and mayb be good for the mind as well as the body. Jogging plus asks you questions about what you saw along the way. I am looking forward to customising a routine that utilises the new and old exercises.

Food wasn't too bad at all yesterday. But I did some snacking in the evening. I really do need to apply the CYLI7D lessons to my eating habits and work out how I can improve things. I am sure getting my lunch right is a key factor. So that means no more cheap bread - I dont enjoy it when I eat it in a sandwich.Really it means just crusty bread - REAL bread. OK it costs about twice as much as the basic sliced bread but I am never going to get anywhere with Paul's progarmme if I dont eat what I REALLY want.

Doing a beyond choc tune in physically I am aware of very niggly IBS discomfort. Emotionally I am motivated at the moment. Thought or question is what will today be like at work?

Work has been dreadful and I think I worked out why yesterday. Monday and Tuesday when I got in the work was out of control and we seemed to be firefighting all day. Yetsreday it was quite calm when I got in but got in the afternoon. The common factor was that it started to go out of control when the other pharmacists on with me where the newly qualified ones. Yesterday Bab asked my advice about a porblem and I said. ' If I was processing that prerscription I would just let it go' She then spent another 10 minutes tryig to get some more information and then did what I had suggested anyway!! 10 minutes wasted. Mutliply that by 3 for the number of pharmacists and mutliply by it LOTS for the number of prescriptions - and that is a LOT of time wasted. OK it wont always be 10 minutes it may only be 1 or 2 minutes but it still adds up.

Positive thoughts

Is your worrying holding you back?

Once film negatives are exposed to the light of day, they're ruined. In the same way, once you see your worries for what they are--self-inflicted doubts--their power disappears. If you give your doubts and fears too much development time, they'll take hold and start to color all of your thinking in a negative light. Pessimists have more health problems, are less productive, and are generally unhappier than optimists. People that don't worry as much spend more time coping with the realities of life and less time occupied with would-be problems. To get rid of worry, think more confidently. Know that you can handle anything that comes along. Know that with loss comes opportunity. Know that things generally have a way of working out. Stay out of that dark room and picture something better.

I have to say I think I have learned to stay out the darkroom. In the 3 years since I did CYLI7D my health HAS improved, I DO achieve more, and I am a LOT happier.

And I have been assailed by positive thoughts this morning - without really trying. I have realised it has been a long LOBG time since I felt I couldn't bend my knees without lots of pain, I am posiitve my cholsterol is down because the fat depostis under my eye are smaller. I did a good workout this morning (step plus x 2, island lap, 2 mucle and 2 yoga excercises) and found myself thinking 'How man=y other 57 year olds do you know who could do that?'

Actually the question isn't how many other people do that but how many are bothered. I am taking responsibility for my own physical and mental health. Thats the big step most people don't take

I have also realised I am no longer ashamed of my figure.New Me got me thinking yesterday. A few years ago i woudl NEVER have put full length photos of me on FB. I dont mind being in pics now. I look at them and think I am not satsfied with my apperance - but I still think I look OK. I guess I have learned to love myself.

Food yesterday went much better. Lunch was a positive experience. I really enjoyed the chip butty I had for lunch (only a few chips) and as a result I snacked a lot a less. I didnt feel as hungry. That is a lesson I MUST remember.

I have got the wii fit plus set up - but not used it yet because it wants to do a body test - and cowardice is making me put it off. I don't want to have conclusive proof that far from losing weight since I began my 90 day initiative I have put it on.I am being ridiculous. Avoiding it doesn't change the facts. And so what if I have put on weight? I have been through a LOT of upset recently. I should be able to forgive myself for being human. I WILL use the new programme tomorrow morning

Mix and match

I recommended CYLI7D to a young friend of mine the other day and that prompted me to dip into my copy again. Not to fo all the excercises but just to remid myself of the core principles. I have realised there is one thing Paul says that can be applied very easily to my current weight loss issues.' Most people realise that if they carry on they way they are they won't acheive their goals'
The answer to that is clearly NOT to carry on but to make the necssary changes. I clearly need to apply the same principle to how I am tackling my weight loss.

I know the rules - I need to be honest about how I am NOT following them , work out WHY, and then work out what changes I can implement.

I have done a good workout this morning including an island lap and yoga. I need yoga to keep felxibility I think.

Wii fit plus arrived yesterday. I am not going to do anything with that until the weekend.

So how did food go yesterday - well not TOO bad although I did have some dorito's yesterday evening. I also had some biscuits at work. I had one each time I went in to grab a drink of water. But I WAS hungry when I had them.

I do have a better attitude to biscuits than I used to. I never ate a whole packet at one go but I could easily eat 6 or 7 in a session and I could NOT do that now. I DO eat them slowly.

My lunch yesterday was pate sandwiches. To be honest I didnt really fancy them when lunch tme came round - but it was all I had. I did manage to eat them slowish but I am sure my taste demanded the ceral bar instead of the piece of fruit in compensation! I always take a variety of things in so I do have a choice . Trouble is sometimes I end up eating ALL of them - but not yesterday. And I am confident it wont happen today either. Trying to work out what you will want at lunchtime before you have worked out whether you are really hungry for breakfast is tricky. Maybe one day I should be difficult and go to the canteen. I dont go out because I have to have someone to let me back in and I dont want to be a nuisance.

Work was really REALLY busy yesterday - and I ended up very tired. Still on the plus side it means I am moving my body a lot!

So todays goal is to work out what I am going to try and change in how I am tackling my wieght loss