Time for some honesty

I am struggling at the moment. Everything is a massive effort. I overslept again this morning and after 5 minutes on the Wiifit I decided I had had enough . I dont feel like going to work. I am stiff and ache and I am overwhelmed with emotional hunger.

Lets be honest and admit at the moment I am a mess. What I need to do is work how to untangle the mess. I paused there to do myself some breakfast. So I am now fortifying myself with decaf coffee (skimmed milk ome sweetener and a little sugar) and Malties with a fresh orange and some organic yoghurt on them - oh and a little sugar too. So healthy enough. And I am looking at the bowl and thinking it looks too much to eat so on some level my eating rules are still hotwired into my brain.

But even though I am not eating mindlessly I am still eating it too fast and I know it. Damn. Partly that is becaause I overslept and I feel as if I need to rush. I am thinking about all the things I MUST do before I go to work. In fact all I MUST do is get dressed. I SHOULD do myself some lunch - but I can buy lunch at the hospital.

I also SHOULD ring Edna about now to remind her to take her weekly tablet - but I have decided not to. I dont think she needs it - and I know she doesnt need to feel lousy due to the side effects she will get. I really do need to pop over and see her though so I will do that straight from work. Thankfully now she is home I CAN go straight from work.

I have just finished my bowl of cereal and I still feel hungry :-(. I know its emotional - I just dont know how to deal with the emotion.

I cant even really identify the emotion.I guess anxiety is the best description. I am anxious about Edna of course - but I am also anxious about me and how I am going to cope with competing demands on my time. I could cope with being anxious. What is causing the problems is the desire to sit in a corner and tell the world to f*** off while I howl my eyes out. Maybe I should - I might feel better. Maybe ackowledging I feel like that way will help me start to deal with it. I hope so.

It is truly terrifying that Edna's discharge has caused such turmoil in my life. I am NOT a full time hands on carer so it shouldn't have this devastating effect on me. But I am her next of kin and when anything goes wrong it is me that will get the phone call. I am 'on call' 24/7.

While she was in hospital I could relax. Now she is out again I cannot - and I think THAT is the real issue I need to deal with.

OK thats enough psychology. I hope I have got enough of a handle on my head issues so that I can get body issues under control. I clearly needed the sleep so oversleeping isnt a bad thing. And at least I did turn the wii fit on and do something. Plus I will be 'moving my body' all day at work so its not as if I am not doing ANY exercise.

Yesterday evening when I was tired my eating went to pot. Tiredness is clearly a big factor. I need to pace myself so I dont get tired - if I can.

I also need to recognise I am in a VERY difficult situation, and not beat myself up about not coping like superwoman. I haven't turned into a quivering ball of jelly sitting in a corner going 'wibble' I am still functioning, and still going to work . Time for a little credit I think.

On that upbeat note I will end this entry. I need to et dressed and ready for work.