The quest for health

I got frustrated and annoyed with myself yesterday when my reiki meditation didnt go well. With some help I worked out that a bit of me was angry that I was giving myself something else to do. Do I really have time to learn about reiki when I have to work, do things for Edna , want to spend quality time with those I love....................

The answer is reiki is all about good health and balance. It is SO much more than just the mystical laying on of hands to treat an illness. It is also all about the health of the practitioner. In a way I have been trying to carry out the 5 principals of Reiki for 3 years without realising it.

This blog has been about my health - both physical and mental - during challenging times. Times are still challenging. I have to go and see Edna today and already I can feel my stomach tying itself up in knots as I wonder what I will find when I get there.

I need to be healthy to cope with everything.

So apart from failed meditation how did yetserday go?

A bit iffy. I didnt go for formal excercise. Instead I did some maojr tidying and cleaning so my bderoom is now avaliable for meditation. It was very VERY therapeutic. OK not cardio - but it was still exercise - and I was hard at it for a couple of hours.

Food was OK ish - but food always goes a bit off at holiday times. The days when I would binge at a weekeknd are long LONG gone. OK biscuits are crips were part of my diet - but I was hungry when I ate them.

So I dont have anything to feel guilty about. I haven't broken any of Pauls rules.

Tuning in today I feel a bit tired - a bit of niggle in my back and with my IBS but nothing serious. Emotionally I feel motivated - which after yesterdays frustration is great. The thought however is downbeat. How will Edna be.

But I feel ready to cope with whatever the day throws at me

The day after reiki

I had a great day yesterday. Food was mainly under the control of somone else yesterday. I Sue kept me going on tomato soup with crusty bread (yum) and chocolate hobnobs (double yum) I didnt OD on the biscuits. In fact I didnt OD on food yesterday at all. My diet wasnt that healthy - but it was moderate in quantity.

What I didn't do yesterday was any exercise :-(

Tuning in today I dnt feel like doing any exercise today either . I have had a bad nights sleep - but I am not going to allow that to interfere. And I am going to give myself a gentle kick up the backside and I will either go for a walk or a swim today.

Inevitably I ended up discussing my CYLI7D experinence with Sue (my reiki teacher) . And of course my wieght loss struggle. Sue was very supportive - and said given the stress of the past few months to have not put wieght on is close to miraculous. I have to say she made me feel very good about myself.

I am very exited about the reiki .It has given me a lot to think about. So I do feel quite motivated today to get to grips with my problems. Thats why although I dont feel like moving I know I will .

My first problem is I am very hungry - so I need some breakfast before I do anything else

Reiki Day

Today I am going for my first day Reiki training. This could be either the opening of a whole new option for me or at worst it will still be another step on my psychic journey. I am exited.

Better still barring an emergency - I have a whole Edna free day!! I did some shopping for her yesterday after work - but Steve is going to deliver it for me today.

Everything re food and exercise was OKish yesterday. No horrible disasters - but no major successes.

This morning I am sitting here yet again in discomfort with my back, and still sleepy - but not really hungry. Emotionally I am feeling muted excitement. I cant quite forget all about Edna and wondering if someone will need to reach me on the mobile. And my thought is what will today be like?

The Wiifit can go hang itself today. I am concerned by the niggling back problems even though I havent done any jogging for days. I di NOT need my nack to start giving me major problems.

I know that both my current niggly problems (my back and IBS) are both sensitive to my stress levels. Edna;s crises always have a physical effect on me. Its all about stress managment.

Whatever else today will be, it should be relaxing as meditation is going to play a part. Thats why cancelling today was the last possible option when I was trying to work out my priorities for the weekend.

Today is about finding me and loving me. And you cannot lose weight or get healthy until you DO know and love yourself,

Looking forward to the weekend

Its Friday morning and I am looking forward to the weekend even though I am working out how best to juggle my various priorities so I fit everything in a still have a decent stretch of quality time with Tony. Tony's night owl habits help here. It leaves me my mornings free to do things. But the key point for THIS weekend is my first day of reiki training whihc will take effectively all day. I wont be home until 5.30. And I somehow MUST fit in a trip to purchase and deliver food to her.

So I have a challenging weekend ahead - but its a long weekend - Monday is a bank holiday so no work! I really want to do some of it tonight - but that causes problems with getting to Andy's on time. Still this sort of logistical problem is what I am good at. I will solve it.

I didnt leap up the moment the alarm went off today - but I did get up 15 minutes after. Thats an improvement on the last two days when I didnt wake up until 45 minutes after the alarm went off.

Tuning in - I feel tired and have niggling discomfort in my back and with my IBS. I am also hungry but not sure what I want to eat. Emotionally I am anxious - about Edna about how I will manage everything over the weekend. Thought /question is will I manage everything I want to do?

I have used the wiifit this morning. Only for 10 minutes but I used it. Only step plus which isnt that energetic but at least I was moving. Part of me is thinking about taking a short walk before I go to work . Watch this space later to see if I did! So it seems exercise is still in my psyche.

And not eating mindlessly is still there as well - thats why i havent had breakfast yet becasue I dont know what I want.

I did do some snacking yesterday evening - but it was concious - and I didnt just wolf the biscuits down. I do savour what I put into my mouth.

I am still content with the idea of maintaining the status quo while life is so disrupted with Edna. My mantra while frestepping last night was 'BMI of 34' which divides nicely into 4 for a complete 4 step sycle.( BM - I of - thirty - four) OK daft I know - but at least I am keeping my goal in mind.

Positively postive

It is almost exatly 12 hours since I made my last entry. In those 12 hours I have

Been to work
Been to see Edna
Cooked dinner from real ingredients when I got home
And (drum roll please) done 30 minutes free stepping and clocked up 3597 steps counted by the board.

Work seemed to play to my strengths today - lots of chances to talk to patients - and a difficult doctor to talk to. I played a key role in sorting out supplies of a very crucial drug for one lady - who was extrmely grateful for my efforts - even if her doctor wasn't too impressed. The stores manager when he heard the tale said he was going to email the doctor and let her know how unreasonable her bahviour was - and he thanked me for my efforts with the problem. That felt good

See the other blog for details of my visit to Edna - it could have goen better - but could have gone a LOT worse.

Dinner was a triumph . fresh ingredients ,real food and I enjoyed being in the kitchen. I reminded myself I ama pretty good cook.

I feel tired after the free stepping - but the serotinin is having its effect and I feel pretty good at the moment.

All tis diesn't mean all the problems I was ithering about this morning ave gone - but I have had reminders about things I am good at - and I no longer feel like a failure - whihc was how I felt this morning.

The emotional hunger seems to have gone. I am still not eating as slowly as I should - but I am regainign control.

I am confident I am not going to give in to massive comfort eating - and put on loads of weight. I may not lose much - but I will settle for not putting weight on and count it a success in the present circumstances

Time for some honesty

I am struggling at the moment. Everything is a massive effort. I overslept again this morning and after 5 minutes on the Wiifit I decided I had had enough . I dont feel like going to work. I am stiff and ache and I am overwhelmed with emotional hunger.

Lets be honest and admit at the moment I am a mess. What I need to do is work how to untangle the mess. I paused there to do myself some breakfast. So I am now fortifying myself with decaf coffee (skimmed milk ome sweetener and a little sugar) and Malties with a fresh orange and some organic yoghurt on them - oh and a little sugar too. So healthy enough. And I am looking at the bowl and thinking it looks too much to eat so on some level my eating rules are still hotwired into my brain.

But even though I am not eating mindlessly I am still eating it too fast and I know it. Damn. Partly that is becaause I overslept and I feel as if I need to rush. I am thinking about all the things I MUST do before I go to work. In fact all I MUST do is get dressed. I SHOULD do myself some lunch - but I can buy lunch at the hospital.

I also SHOULD ring Edna about now to remind her to take her weekly tablet - but I have decided not to. I dont think she needs it - and I know she doesnt need to feel lousy due to the side effects she will get. I really do need to pop over and see her though so I will do that straight from work. Thankfully now she is home I CAN go straight from work.

I have just finished my bowl of cereal and I still feel hungry :-(. I know its emotional - I just dont know how to deal with the emotion.

I cant even really identify the emotion.I guess anxiety is the best description. I am anxious about Edna of course - but I am also anxious about me and how I am going to cope with competing demands on my time. I could cope with being anxious. What is causing the problems is the desire to sit in a corner and tell the world to f*** off while I howl my eyes out. Maybe I should - I might feel better. Maybe ackowledging I feel like that way will help me start to deal with it. I hope so.

It is truly terrifying that Edna's discharge has caused such turmoil in my life. I am NOT a full time hands on carer so it shouldn't have this devastating effect on me. But I am her next of kin and when anything goes wrong it is me that will get the phone call. I am 'on call' 24/7.

While she was in hospital I could relax. Now she is out again I cannot - and I think THAT is the real issue I need to deal with.

OK thats enough psychology. I hope I have got enough of a handle on my head issues so that I can get body issues under control. I clearly needed the sleep so oversleeping isnt a bad thing. And at least I did turn the wii fit on and do something. Plus I will be 'moving my body' all day at work so its not as if I am not doing ANY exercise.

Yesterday evening when I was tired my eating went to pot. Tiredness is clearly a big factor. I need to pace myself so I dont get tired - if I can.

I also need to recognise I am in a VERY difficult situation, and not beat myself up about not coping like superwoman. I haven't turned into a quivering ball of jelly sitting in a corner going 'wibble' I am still functioning, and still going to work . Time for a little credit I think.

On that upbeat note I will end this entry. I need to et dressed and ready for work.

Its all gone OK

Well food has - and I went to work and survived!

I havent snacked - although I admit I haven't eaten as slowly as I would like. I have drunk water - lots of it.

Robert came round tonight and he had cooked one of his lovely cakes. I thoroughly enjoyed my piece - which I ate fairly slowly

I seem to have got on top of the emotional hunger a bit. I am still hungry - but nowhere near as bad as it was.

I meditated today before I went to work.

I have done all the right things - and I hope it will start paying off

D day + 2

The second day since Edna's discharge and I am trying to get back into a healthy routine. If ever I need god health it is now!

I made a bad start by oversleeping. I didnt get up until 7.15. But I have used the Wii fit. 10 minutes step plus and 4 minutes boxing.

I havent eaten yet. I am not sure what I am going to eat and I am not sure if I am going to work . I also noticed I came downstairs crabwise for the first time in a LONG time.

I feel lousy. I am stiff, half asleep and I feel FFFFAAAATTTTT. I dont want to talk about yesterdays eating. It was dreadful - snacking and emotional eating ruled. And on my head I have put on half a stone. I know I haven't really - but thats how my body feels - becasue thats what my head feels.

I know its my head I have got to get right. I know its my head making me feel so lousy and tired and hungry, I just can't get my head under control at the moment.

But 14 minutes of exercise is a start.

Am I going to go to work? I know it would help me psychologically (and financially!) to get back into routine and to be involved in something totally unrelated to Edna. I am just not sure how good my concentration will be. But I also know part of the reason I dont want to go to work is I am trying on one level to find a hole to hide in and tell the world to f............ go away.. I have to decide if I need to acknowledge my feelings - or just give myself a kick up the backside.

I will decide after breakfast.

Establishing the new routine

So day 1 of the new routine is here - and I am not sure I am going to work yet. I feel physically exhausted. I know part of that is the due to the drive back yesterday - but not all of it by a long way. Part of the tiredness is due to worry over how Edna's discharge is going to go. Also some of it is sluggishness due to yesterdays food and lack of excercise. I can still feel pie and chips sitting like lead in my stomach - pure imagination of course.

So 'tuning in ' I feel tired stiff and sluggish . Emotionally I am anxious and nervous about how the care package is going to work. And my main thought is about how Edna is reacting to the new care package. It doesn't really make sense for me to go to work. My mind wouldn't be on work and I would be more of a hindrance than a help.

I need to get back on yrtack with food and exercise. We did a lot of walking over the weekend , and until last night I was really pleased about food went. OK I was doing a lot more snacking than normal but I found that when I was fcaed with a meal, I could not eat everything I was given. I think dinner in the hotel on Sunday night was the best example of this. I left at least a quarter of the beef and didnt attempt to eat all the vegetables. OK I had desert and ate all of it - but the old me would bave eaten ALL the main meal.

Whatever else I do today - and it seems clear I am going to be spending a fair amount of time on Edna today - I MUST do something for me.and get myself back on track with food.

I have been sat staring at that last statement for about 20 minutes without coming to any decision about the specific action I ought to take. I cant think. Also in the back of my mind I know what I should do - go for a gentle walk round the park. The peace and fresh air will be good for me. But I can't motivate myself to move.

I have eaten. I grabbed a banana. I managed to eat it fairly slowly - but I satill feel hungry so I need to get up and get that organised. Hopefully once I start moving I will feel better.

I think today is going to be a struggle

Back home

Well I am home and Edna is back home, and I am very stressed after my wonderful weekend away. I am physically tired after the drive - and very nervous about whether the care package will click into place the way it should.

Food tpoday has been bad. It went wrong on the drive home when I started eating sweets and biscuits, and continued wrong when I had pie and chipps from the chippy for dinner and ate it all without really thinking. And I still feel hungry

I KNOW this is emotional hunger. I think I just have to be patient while I wait for the Ednba situation to settle down

Normal service will be resumed tomorrow I hope

IBS

I paid a painful penalty for my lovely meal. IBS kicked in over night. It was quite painful and I was in need of Movicol. But I managed to think my way out of it and this morning all seems to OK.

I didnt test my resolve over breakfast. I was using my DS as a clokc and didnt realise it was an hour slow. So I went down 15 minutes after breakfast finished. They would have cooked me something - but I just had cereal. But I was so embarrased at being late I ate it fast just to get out of there.

Nota good start really as I know still feel very hungry. I will drink lots. I will survive !

Good news and bad news

The good news is I couldn't eat all my dinner. It was just too much. The bad news is I had dessert even though I was full - and I now feel stuffed - and we finished the meal 2 hours ago. But it WAS delicious, and I ate it much slower than I would have done and ate less than I would have done so I dont feel I have totally borken the good habits I am getting into.

I also ate far less on the drive up than I would have done. I didnt eat loads of sweets.

And the restaurant was about half a mile away so I got some exercise as well.

Tomorrow we are going to explore Clitheroe properly so we will be walking again -and of clourse tomorrow night we will be walking a lot as well.

I dont fell I am doing too badly

HOLIDAY !!!!!!!!

Well it WILL be a holiday once I have popped over to Edna's flat, told the wardens she is coming home, payed her rent, and arranged for delivery of the items from the NHS loans service. If the wardens cant help with that I am stuffed - well THEY are stuffed cos they can't delive it till I am back.

The hotel we are going to has Wifi access so we will be sad and take the laptop with us I have no doubt. So I will be able to carry on blogging.

I did over 30 minutes this morning on the Wiifit. step plus boxing and free step. I had forgotten how tough the boxing is. I must remember that for future morning. I certainly worked up a sweat and got my heart pumping with it.

I did the body test and have a wiifit age of 45. And my weight had dropped a pound so I am back to having to lose 6lbs to reach my goal. And my goal date is next week. I clearly wont maker my goal - but I hope I will at least register some weight loss from my previous goal day weight. I do seem to be stuck at the moment.

I will be interested to see how I manage with food over the weekend. The hotel provides a full english breakfast . I just cant imagine eating that much now. This will be the REAL tets of whether my eating habits are now ingrained.

I have no idea what I will do about exercisae over the weekend - but the ghost hunt will include a lot of walking.

I have spotted a new DS pragramme that includes an activity meter. I plan to buy that. It will be good to have something I can wear all day to help me assess how active I really am.

Taking responsibility

Do you accept responsibility for your choices in life?.

Do you feel in control of your life? No matter how negative events or actions may become, you are the only force that is able to determine the reaction. Often we fail to do this and instead blame the world for our feelings of sadness, rejection, and hopelessness. The reality is that your actions are a choice, and you must claim those feelings and choices. We can be our best cheerleader or worst enemy when it comes to determining the health of our emotions. Do some pep talks with yourself each morning. This will help you develop positive, self-affirming thoughts that will enhance your personal development and growth.

Spark people do it again. It was a remark by my counsellor 3 years ago that started me on the road to recovery. 'I see you as a passenger in your own life ' At the time it didnt register but a little while later when I first read CYLI7D and he started talking about taking responsibility it resonated.

So I know I am rresponsible for what I eat and drink, how much I exercise, how much I chose to do for Edna, how I earn money. I think my eureka moment was the realisation that I always have choices. My depression happened becasue I felt trapped . Now even when circumstances push me in one direction - as they have with Edna - I dont feel trapped because I have choices in HOW I do it. or how MUCH I do.

I got up this morning feeling lousy with a niggly back,and little motivation. I didnt intend to come anywhere near the blog because I haven't exercised and I am not sure I will do much beyond some yoga. And I felt guilty.

But that Sparkpeople piece took my right back to my epiphany and reminded me why I blog - and how far I have come. It showed me I dont need to guilty for making a choice I feel is right.My back is clearly telling me I have done too much recently. My general lethargy is a sign I have been doing too much running around with Edna in hospital. I need to slow down a little at the moment.

I felt guilty because I felt I 'should' be sticking to my healthy living regimen. That if I didn't I would in someway be a failure. But the only person calling me a failure would be me. And what good is that going to do me mentally?

My metal health is just as impoetant as my physical health and there is no dount I have been under stress with Edna's situation. I dont think I have recognised quite how much stress. Well I have now and this driver is taking her foot off the accelerator and is happy to cruise for the moment.

Sometimes chocolate is what you need

At least thats my excuse. But I haven't gone too mad.

Food has gone ok today. I have been eating slowly, I didnt eat all my lunch, I didn't eat all my dinner, I have drunk lots of water. But I couldn't resist the chocolate biscuits tonight. I am in wind down mode for the weekend I guess.

I'm not abandoning the programme or my goals - but I dont feel motivated to do anything more than the bare minimum . I haven't exercised tonight - I just dont have the energy - or the motivation.

I have a LOT on my mind with Edna's imminent discharge from hospital, and I know from experience I get flustered if I try to concentrate on too many issues at once.

I am not going to beat myself up over not doing 30 minutes formal exercise today. I am not going to beat myself up over chocolate biscuits. I am giving my mind and my body what they want at the moment. And that is a bit of down time and relaxation.

Yoga is good for you

I have just realised I didnt post about food last night. Thats becasue yesterday evening my mind was suddenly full of Edna and her problems having found out she is being discharged next Monday. It should have been tomorrow but someone is watching over me! So that took my mind off food and exercise.

OK food yesterday went great - until yesterday evening. I ate slowly, I didnt eat all my lunch, I ate all my dinner but finshed after Tony, I had drunk plenty of water. It was going great until the chocolate biscuits came out. And it was me that got them out. I didnt binge - but I wasnt really hungry. And to cap it all I had a couple of chocolates too.

But I didnt binge, I didnt totally abandon the rules. I ate the biscuits slowly . My visit to Edna got quite emotional. I wasn't conscious of walking away with a chocolate craving - but I geuss at a subconscious level I did.

This morning I feel tired and a bit stiff. I I woke feeling very hungry and thirsty. I couldn't face the idea of going out for a walk and even my 10 10 10 routine felt a bit too much. So I went back to yoga. I got reasonable scores considering its been weeks since I did any. Then I did 2 reps of step plus and then called it a day - well at least until this evening. There is always free step time while watching TV

Despite feeling hungry I am not wolfing down my breakfast at double speed. I am drinking. I had a glass of water first thing and I now have a mug of coffee.

Eating slowly this morning is a total triumph in my opinion - and I think it shows it is now becoming a habit. It isnt yet at the subconcious level. It isnt automatic (roll on the day that it is) but it issoemthing I feel impelled to do.

I\m not going to try and think of a new habit to add until after the weekend. Or maybe until after Edna has been home a week or two. It is going to be difficult when she comes home. Keeping the status quo is mt most practical goal.

Walking before you can run

I did try a bit of jogging this morning - but it felt uncomfortable so I stopped. I dont think that is cowardice or laziness. I am not planning on becoming a serious runner. I am trying to get into the habit of taking regular excercise for health reasons. A 30 minute walk every day is a very good habit to have. And I enjoyed being in the frsh air. And maybe when my back is a bit better, or I have lost a significant amount of weight jogging will be a regular part of my lifestyle. Its not impossible

So I didn't stick to last nights slightly grandiose plan - but I did go out and get some excercise, and do at least 3000 steps. Its better than a lot of people do.

I have had 2 glasses of water and a mug of coffee - but no breakfast yet as I dont feel hungry.So I feel I have made a good start today.

I just hope work is better today.

Time for bed said Zebedee

Its has been a tough day at work. Me (the locum who has only been there for 3 months) was the most experineced pharmacist in the dispensary this morning. There were loads of pharmacists in their - just none of them experienced and only one other pharmacist who could verify TTO's and the other pharmacists not even able to professinally check on their own. Joy

But despite that food has gone really well. I ate slowly, I've drunk loads of water, I have resisted snacking for the sake of it. I am very pleased with the way it has gone.

And at the moment I feel tomorrow morning I could go for a walk/jog and leave the Wii fit alone.

But I'm making no promises.............

Ready for a break

I only have to work 4 days this week. On Friday we are off to Pendle and I can't wait. I am SO ready for a break.

Yesterday was a bad day. A disagreement with Glenn left a bad taste in my mouth. And then I managed to upset Edna when I went to the hospital. This healthy reflection is a very timely reminder NOT to gold a grudge against Glenn - and not to stop helping people. I think I needed it. Maybe I also need to remember in relation to Tony's nephew . I would like to think we might see him again one day
Magnifying small sacrifices

How do you treat people who cannot (or choose not to) repay you for the good things that you have done for them? Do you hold a grudge, speak ill of them, or constantly keep score? Think about a homeless man in need of a hot meal, the elderly woman who cannot open the door by herself at the store, or a lost child. Probably none of these individuals could equally compensate you for any sacrifices you make on their behalves. There remains but two choices--help or ignore. Our minds easily jump to putting them out of our minds and going about our days. But imagine the good you could do if you took a small moment of your time or the change out of your pocket. Such a small sacrifice (from your perspective of course), could have a 10-fold positive impact!

Food was almost perfect - just bery unhealthy. I grazed a;; day. We d ecided to have salad for dinner so we always fix our own when we are hungry.

I did also do 30 minutes free step yesterday evening so excercise went OK as well.

This morning I have done 10 minutes step plus and been for a walk in the park. I still have a lot of niggly aches. Slight sciatica in my right leg, slight discimfirt in the back, slight pain in my left achhilles tendon. Jogging is out at the moment. I'll have to find asnother way to do cardia. Maybe the boxing programme? As long as I am getting excercise thats the main thing.

Tuning in Physical - see above, Emotion nervous and I am not sure why. Thought /Question Are my physical problems an indication I am doing too much?

That Sunday morning feeling

Itrs 7.30 on a Sunday morning - and ere I am in bed with my laptop, toast and coffee. Should I be worried that I am not up and excersising? Tuning in physically I have a lot of very minor niggles in my back, my left knee, my left acchilles tendon, along with a slight headache. I am also hungry . So food comes first. My emotions are calm - or do I mean still half asleep. And the queation on my mind is should I be excercising rather than lying here? I think the answer to that is no.

I did a LOT yesterday. My workout, an hour walking and shopping and some serious tidying upstairs. I am at last starting Steve's old room the ide being to clear it out so it can be used as a bedroom again (Mike is in their right now!) but more importantly as storage. I want my bedroom to LOOK like a bedroom - and be a calm place where I can meditate. I also want the living room to be less cluttered. I spent an hour starting that yesterday. So its not surprising I feel tired today. I can always excercise later anyway. Maybe go swimming, or just do some balance games or yoga. So to answer the question I orinially asked no I don't think I should be worried. I am in the habit of building exercise into my day and that is the habiy I need. Getting up early to do it is NOT a neccesity. Right now I am doing what my body and mind what me to do - whihc is not a lot

I drank a glass of water before I did anything today. I was very thirsty. I think my next new habit (now exercise and eating slowly) may be drinking more water. It will be good for me on so many levels.

It took me 20 minutes to finish my toast. I think I am getting the hang of slow eating. I am not past the tipping point yet though - but I am getting there.

I think I can say I feel confident about things today.

An early second post

I am over the moon. I bought myself a new pair of jeans - a size smaller than I really thought I should be able to get into. I bought them from a supermarket so I couldn't try them on. I expected them to be to small .THEY FITTED!!!!!!
Also we have just had a chinese takaway for Tomy's birthday. And I could only manage about half of mine. I dont feel unpleasantly bloated, I feel pleasnatly satisfied. I know I will want something to eat later but I know I am not going to feel totally stuffed when I go to bed.

I feel SO pleased with myself.

2 posts in one

I didnt make an entry last night about food. All in all yetserday went OK. In the end I cooked for us both before I went to see Edna - and I couldnt eat all mine. yet again about a quarter of it ended up on a plate in the frisge. And I had a fruit and cereal bars during the game. A couple of biscuits di get eaten when we got back here though.

The eating slowly bit is getting better.

This morning I have done 19 minutes on the Wii. my useal 2 reps of stpe plus then I did the islnad lap. I did it in 8 minutes and got a burn rate of 294. We rocks. I did a body test too and got a wii fit age of 43. I can't maon about that. No change in weight tho - but did I really excpect anything in 4 days???

The bottom lie is I am eating what I want - and I'm not gainig weight. How many women would love to be in my position? I am aware I am not always hnugry when I eat - mainly when I snack. Once I have mastered the slow eating I will concemtrate on that and then hopefully I will see weight loss.

I havent eaten yet. I dont really feel hungry - and I certainly dont have any particular fancy for food.

I will be going out shopping later and I will be walking. Northfield is about a mile away - and its uphill all the way there. Which of course means its downhill on the way back with the shopping.

Tuning is (as Beyond Chocolate would say) Physical slightly hungry and still a bit breathless; emotion positive ; thought will I manage to eat slowly when we have the take away tonight (part 2 of the birthday celebration)

Sue left a message on my mobile yesterady. She wants to arange dates for my reiki training. That could be a sigificant step i my changing life.

Red red wine

Thats what I drank last night. One and half very small glasses - probably not even one unit of alcohol, But this morning I felt dreadful. Part of that could be that I didnt sleep brilliantly again, but I feel the alcohol was part of the reason. So I drank a mug of water and decided today was a god day to try walking outside. 25 minutes - and about 3000 steps - later I got back home feeling much better. I decided to try and top my excercise up to 30 minutes and get a bit ir cardio in as well so I went for a short jog with the Wii fit. I kept the Mii on his toes he had to keep speeding up. I ended up clocking up a dissappointing 3 minutes and a burn rate of 74%. The Island lap normally takes me 11 minutes and ther short run took me 2 so I can't understand why the longer run took me 3. I thought it would be about 5. Maybe I should try the Island lap next time. I dont suppose I got my pulse up very fast at all. I kept catching the Mii up - I guess I am fitter than I thought - and after all fitness IS the mian reason I do the excercise. It seems to be paying off. I just hope it also pays off in wieght loss.

The walk did me a LOT of good. I came back feeling much more alert - and hungry. So I am now eating breakfast - and concentrating on eating slowly.

I am worried about food later on. I will be going to see Edna tonight - and tonight we also go to Andy's for the game so I can see myself rushing aorund a lot and snacking. I guess all I can do is make sure they are healthy snacks.

I am full

Not unpleasantly stuffed full but full. And the good news is - I left half of my dinner. I cooked a spaghetti bolognaise tonight, and I couldn't finish it.

Biood went okish during the day. I didnt eat lunch as slowly as I would have liked - but I had to have lunch earlier than I wanted - and to be hoenst I didnt really fancy what I had taken. But I ended up eating it all of it. But I did eat cake and a couple of chocolates slowly.

I was hungry on the way home - so I ate a couple of ceral bars on the move. Again not as slowly as I would have liked

But dinner was a triumph. I ate slowly - and as I said I couldn;t finish it.

I have had food since then - fresh fruit sald and a couple of biscuits with my coffee - but on the whole I feel pleased. I am not eating as slowly as I need to - but I will stick at it tomorrow and soon I will have a new good habit

This gives me encouragment

've spent my entire life being overweight. I've spent it dieting and failing. In January I topped the scales at 410 pounds, and I had resigned myself to always being fat. To always being left out. To always being the butt of jokes. I had resigned myself to the fact that one day my obesity was going to kill me. I was tired of my failures.

Then I found SparkPeople, and I realized an important thing. I wasn't going to find happiness in being thin. And, that the best I could do for myself was to become healthy. In achieving that goal, weight loss would be a side effect. I've lost almost 20 pounds since then. It doesn't seem like a huge number for 8 months, but I started small. I started with one thing. Drinking water. Once it became habit I added another thing. As long as it took, I stuck with it.

Today, the weight is starting to come off faster as I have many new habits. I...
- drink 8-12 glasses of water
-eat 5-9 servings of fruits and vegetables
-get at least 8 hours of sleep every night
-eat only lean meats
-exercise everyday
-take vitamins to supplement where my diet fails (I don't like fish)
-get 2-3 servings of calcium everyday
-do not eat junk food, fast food, candy, or soda
-take time everyday to breath and meditate
-eat only whole grains
-quit smoking!!!!

And, guess what. I feel great! I feel better than great. I feel alive. So, I went to the doctor and guess what.... I'm healthier than I've ever been in my life. My cholesterol is great, my blood pressure is normal (which it hasn't been in quite some time), my blood glucose is normal (which means I am NOT diabetic), and my triglycerides are normal.

AND, I FEEL ALIVE!!!!! And, I'm started doing things that I never thought I would ever accomplish. I even climbed a mountain. And if I can do it, so can you. Pay more attention to being healthy than being skinny.

It is from Sparkpeople of course

For some time my goal has been to get healthy. I dont want to have to take drugs for high blood pressure or diabetes. Pharmacists are very bad at taking drugs!! I have added several habbits. Eating what I what when I am hungry, and moving my body. My new habit is going to be eating slowly. I like the idea of ading one habit at a time.


I ahve only done 10 minutes excercise this morning - but my back is a bit tetchy and I have had a lousy nights sleep so I feel zombified. But I will be going for a walk as it is Tony'sbirthday and I want to get hima birthday card so I will walk to the newsagent in a bit.

My knees are still benefitting from all this. OK I was slow coming downstairs this morning but I comign down properly not 'crabwise'

Rule 3 ' Eat slowly '

I have really concentrated on this today. I've alos been trying much harder to 'tune in' as beyond chocolate would say and work out if I am hungry or not.

I feel I've made a good attempt at this today. I ate much less lunch than I expected. I felt hungry on the way home so I slowly ate some finger food I had with me. I RESISTED THE LURE OF THE BISCUIT BARREL WHEN I HAD MY WELCOME HOME DRINK.

It all fell apart a bit with dinner tho. I was very hungry when I ate and although I concentrated on eating slowly I had a job. I also ate everything on my plate BUT I was still hungry

I was in 'post hospital visit' mode - and it was a stressful visit. (Memo to self I must use one of the meditation techniques I was taught on Sunday before I visit Edna. It will keep me calmer) I didnt come out with a chocolate craving and I still haven't hit the biscuit barrel. However coffee is on te way and I am still hungry.

Some of the girls were discussing their weight watchers diet at work today. There is no point is telling them about Paul;s methd or Beyond Chocolate. They wouldn't beleive me. But I felt sorry for them. Me I had a small - VERY small piece of the choclate cake that had been left in the tea room, ate it slowly, enjoyed it and walked away feeling quite content. Thats better than ANY diet!

Keeping the balance

The easiest way to identify what our heart wants is to examine the feelings that surface when we relate to that subject. Do you find solace when picking up your journal to write a daily reflection? Does time spent with your family thrill you to tears? What feelings arise when you chase down the things that make your heart flutter? True happiness comes when we routinely engage in positive activities that we love. Take a look at your life as a whole. Pursue the things that make you feel alive and fill you with joy and healthy balance.

The above reflection is in essence what CYLI7D does. It helps you identify who 'you' truly are and what makes 'you' truly fulfilled and happy. I truly enjoy writing.In my head I am always writing books. Getting paid for writing is another matter. In my imagination one one my blogs gets published. Reality is another matter. I do need to earn a living

It is important to keep a balance. I think I have let my health plans get a bit out of balance. I am not losing wieght. I did a body test before my workout today. It said I had put on a 1lb and needed to lose 7 lbs to reach my goal. I did another test afterwards and it said I had lost a pound and needed to lose 6lb to reach mu goal.

That does graphically illustrate how your weight can vary - but it is clear I am not loosing weight , I have been focusing on exercise. I think I am doing well with that. I did my 10 10 10 routine today an despite aching from yesterdays walk to Northfield, I didn't struggle with it. I was confident I could complete it.

So I think I need to focus on food now. then maybe the wieght will start to shift. If I am honest I know what I need to focus on. Eating slowly and stopping before I am full.

Watch this space

I survived the day

One home visit, one hospital visit and a walk to Northfield and back later - I am quite tired and glad to be sitting watching TV

Food has been OK, I know I;ve done the walking (I ache) and I dont feel stressed out and wanting to comfort eat.

Home visit day

The home visit is quite crucial. Where ever Edna goes from here things will enter a new phase because she will need a more robust care package than she had before if she goes back to Fosters. So this morning I am tense.

I have exercised. 2 reps of step plus and a short jog I clocked up 2 minutes and a record burn rate of 143% whatever that means, Plus my pulse was just over 100 as I stopped. (Memo to self consider getting a wrist monitor!)


I keep 3 blogs. This one, a blog primarily about Edna her illnes, and a blog about my psychic and paranormal experiences. Today is a day when it is very tricky to keep all my 3 blogs separate. Because today is definitely a life chnaging event, it concerns Edna and her dementia, and I feel I need all the external help I can get to ensure the outcome works for everyone involved - so I will be trying to harness my intuition and will be meditating and praying about all this in a very serious way.

I dont feel hungy and I think that is significant. I will make sure I have some finger food with me (fruit and cereal bars) so I can eat when I DO get hungry. I intend to do some more excercise later and try to clock up 30 minutes today - but if I dont I dont.

I dont want to be blogging about how I have failed and how mch I dislike myself at the end of today. I do not want to give myself the excuse to comfort eat. Putting wiegth on through stress isn't going to hekp anyone.

A good day

After my good start - the day carried on fairly well. Food went OK.Not brilliant but OK. I managed to eat fiarly slowly - but I was so hungry when I got home that I couldn't resist the biscuits. But I WAS hungry.

I tried hard with water today as well. I had at least 5 glasses of water while I was at work. Not had much this evening but it was a game night.

I am tired now - but I have a day off tomorrow because of Edna's home visit.

I intend to meditate tonight before I go to sleep and hopefully that will help me sleep well

The benefits of serotonin

Serotonin is a wonderful chemical. We all feel better when wh have enough of it around. It has been scientifically proved to be released when we eat chocolate, and when we exercise. It can a,so be triggerred during meditation and I think yesterday I got a major serotonin high at the psychic development workshop. I also came home with a headache. which has now receeded thankfully, but I am starting this week full of god resolutions

I did my then ten ten workout. I clocked up over 2800 virtual k on the jogging, and (allowing for steps not counted) I clocked up over 1200 steps on the free step. Add in the 672 steps from 2 reps of the step plus (I calculated from the points at the end) and the minimum of 1200 steps I will take getting too and from the care and I can safely day I will clock up over 6000 steps today with no difficulty at all.

I checked my pulse immediately after the jogging and immediatley after the free step. Afer the joggin it was over 100 and after the free setp it was still around 100 so I reckon I can count todays routine as cardio.

I have had a healthy breakfast, but am still hungry - and thirsty.It was a smallish breakfast so I will have somethign else to eat and wacxh it down with some apple juice - which will be my third drink of the day.

The day is off to a good start - and I am going to keep things positive today

Wow what a day

I did do my 30 minutes of exercise. I did it when I got home after a totally awe inspiring but tiring day at a psychic development course. So headstuff is good beyond belief. Food has been a bit iffy - but not a total disaster. It could have been better - but it could have been a lot worse.

I can't focus to make more of an entry than this today. I have a headache and feel very tired

Oops

I dint post about food yesterday. Actually it wasnt too bad. Unfortunately a stressful hospital visit brought on chocolate craving. I bought some triple chocolate muffins.

I have a busy day today so I dont think I am going to get any excercise done - but we will see what happens. I will make an effort to post tonight.

Excercise goals

I decided on the simple approach today. 30 minutes free step. I know I couldn't do 30 minutes jogging at the moment. And if I did 10 minutes of each (since 20 of each would be too much) I would be left with a 10 minute deficit.

I got to 3357 steps according to the Wiifit - but I know it wasn't counting all my steps. I actually counted (I'm going OCD again!) for a couple of 100's and I reckon it missed on average 25% of my steps. So I did around 4200 steps.

There are so many potential goals I can use to measure success or failure with my excercise.

Do I come close to 10,000 steps a day? Well on a workday I probably dont do too badly. When I do 30 minutes on th Wiifit I will do 4000. The walk too and from the car at work is 1200 at least. How much do I walk at work? I must clock up at least 2500. So I probably do 8000 steps. That could be one reason why I am so tired of course!

How about 30 minutes vigorous excercise 3 times a week? Do I do enough on my routine for it to cout as cardio? Well I get breathless. I checked my pulse immediatley I finished my session today. I reckon I got it up to 100. But I could feel the rate slowing during the 15 seconds I was taking my pulse. 8 beats in the first 5 seconds ended up with 20 beats during the full 15 minutes. A pulse rate that quickly returns to normal is of course a good sign. Maybe I ought to invest in on eof those wrist monitors then I would know. As with the 10,00o steps a day I think I get close ish.

What about Paul's goal of 2500 steps a day well I pass that by miles.

I think I can say with some justification I am probably as fit if not fitter than a lot of women of my age.

What is the point of all this excercise? Well I want to keep fit, reduce my risk of heart disease and diabetes, reduce my risk of osteoporosis, and hopefully lose weight. It should at least ensure I dont gain weight. Also there is my 'use it or lose it' mantra. I dread the thought of ending up as immobile as Mum or Edna. I am NOT trying to become super fit, or athletic, or a marathon runner!

I am now really in the habit of building excercise into my daily routine. I am past the tipping point. I feel pleased

Will I ever get my stamina back

Work was tough today. Yet again I was very glad to be leaving at 4.00. We dithered over whether to call the game off as Robert was away, and decided we would go. Then Richard didnt make it in the end- and I was very glad to come back home . I sometimes wonder if I will ever regain the stamna I used to have. if I will ever be able to work full time again when Edna doesn't need me any more.

Food has gone OK ish. Breakfast was brilliant. lunch was good and dinner OK. But I have ad crisps and biscvuits this evening. Thta was annoyanve over Richard leaving it so late to tell us he couldnt make it.

Edna has a home visit on Tuesday - and I have taken the chance to have a day off. And despite what I sadi in my previosu post about NOT feeling I needed a day off - I am quite glad to have a day off. Didn't even consider just taking the morning and going in afterwards!

I do feel a bit of an old crock at times - and this is one of those times.

I know a lot of my issues are 'head' rather than 'body' Its the unkown factor od what is going to happen to Edna.

I know I will get though it, but tonight I am just tired - and can't think beyond getting some sleep. Normla service will be resumed (I hope) tomorrow

Giving it some 'umph'

The motivational thought on Sparkpeople for August is ' The difference between try and triumph is a bit of 'umph'

I decided I was going to put some umph into excercise and aim for 30 minutes a day - minimum 30 minutes 3 times a week.

I felt the ten ten ten workout would be a good route to do this. And I think I was right. This morning I did the ten ten ten workout and got record scores on both the jogging and freestep. Over 2.6 virtual K on the jogging and over 1300 on the free step. Counting the steps in the step plus and the 1200 steps I know I take to get from the car to the department and back again by 10.00 I will have done at least 5500 steps.

Add in the fact that the workout left me breathless I reckon it counts as a bot of cardio as well.

I feel this week has been a triumph for excercise. I can say with confidence' Mr McKenna I have moved my body '

Work was dreadful

We have had about 6 new pharmacists start at the hospital. 4 of them have only just qualified and none of them know our systems or processes. So they are about as much use as a chocolate teapot. It is also the time when a lot of new doctors start - and of course none of them know the systems or processes - or the computerised prescribing system. So more than the ususal number of presacriptions need to be queried -if you can find the doctor which is tricky because switchboard dont have a list of names and bleep numbers yet. So into this mix throw a crisis whihc meant a lot of exra patients needed discharge medication supplied dso we got swamped with work.

I was SO glad to leave at 4,00 today. I felt like a rat on the Titanic - but it was wonderful to feel no-one could moan about it.

I am tired, I only did 20 minutes of the Wiifit this morning (freestepping) and I dont feel like doing any more tonight. From work I went shopping, then to the hospital and didn't get home until 7.00. Then the shopping had to be put away. Tony had done dinner and mine was in the microwave so I didnt have to cook.

Food was going well until after dinner - I have succumbed to biscuits and I wasnt hungry. I now feel somewhat bloated.

I also feel emotional because today I got the 'adoption' pack from the donkey sanctuary that Mum supported. I re-adopted one of her donkeys in memory of her. And I have shed a few tears.

I didnt sleep well last night - I hope I sleep better tonight. But depsite the fact that I have a lot on my plate - I dont have the feeling thast I really MUST have a quiet day or a day off work. So something is improving

A good food day

I really do feel food went well today. I haven't eaten as slowly as i would have liked - but I have slowed my eating down a lot. All my meals were healthy, and I got my 5 portiosn of fruit and veg in as well. I have to admit I have had biscuits this evening tho. - but only when I was hungry.

I feel better in myself than I have felt for several days. I think it is a combination of being disciplined about excercise, and looking forward to things coming up over the weeks ahead. The holiday in Cornwall (November) The weekend in Clitheroe and the ghost hunt (just over 2 weeks away) The Hay on Wye ghost hunt/training night (October) and the psychic training day whihc is this Sunday.

There is a lot going well in life at the moment. I need to remember that.

I haven't forgotten the way I felt this morning - but I am dealing with it.

Sparkpeople Philosophy

You can't turn on a country music station without hearing a song about someone down on their luck. But what about those around you? Think about how much it means to you to receive a note in the mail from a caring friend when you're going through a hard time. Use those warm feelings to compel you to spread the love to others. We all need such encouragement and often we forget that it's okay not to be the pillar of strength when life has us by the tail. Throw your arms around someone today who might need a good squeeze, send a card to a co-worker who needs cheering up, or bake a special treat for your ill child. Friends are precious, not just in the sunshine of life, but especially in the shade.

Normally I read the healthy reflection and am either neutral (doesn't mean much) or positive . I post those on here.

This one I feel almost hostile about because I feel as if I do more than my fair share of helping others in need of support. I know its worse today because of Edna's situation, but my reaction to the above was to think. 'What about me? I need someone to do those things for me?

I think I am more down than I realised - and I need to recognise that and take appropriate action.

I do feel fairly good about myself this morning because I managed my ten ten ten routine - and clocked up over 2500 virtual K on the free jogging.

I am also having a healthy breakfast - fruit and fibre with kiwi fruit, skimmed milk and a glass of apple juice - whihc I am eating slowly.

Hopefully tonight proper blog entry will be a positive one

Not such a good day

I overslept after having bad dreams. The alarm was welcome actually as it woke me out of a very unpleasant dream. So I got off to a bad start and it kind of went downhill from there.

I onlt did 10 minutes on the Wii fit this mornign and havne't had the energy to do the other 20 minutes tonight.

I seem to have been rushing all day - and that always plays havoc with food, Brealfast was OK, but I spent my lunch time driving home, then went straight to the hospital, then helped Steve with some shoppping, then came home. So I snacked . A banana, rice cakes and cheese, buscuits etc.

The hospital visit was stressful (see other blog) and I left with the normal chocolate craving.

Dinner was quite healthy (pok kebas, vegetables and noodles, followed by strawberries and ice cream - but the biscuit barel has been hit tonight, and I still feel hungry

tomorrow can only be better

Ten ten ten

Thats my name for the new Wii fit routine I have worked out. 10 minutes stpe plus, 10 minutes free jogging and 10 minutes free stepping. I managed to do it this morning before I left for work. I only managed a little over 200o on the free jogging and just over 1200 on the free step - but I am easily doing more than the 2500 stpes that is the average difference between normal wirg and overwieght peopel. And the jogging also clunts as cardio.


I am wondering if it is a good idea to do it every day though, This morning at work I felt light eaded and wobbly - almost as if I was about to faint so I am wondering if I shoudl try that every other day ad maybe just do a walk on the days in between.

But the main thing is I am getting back in the habit of doing excercise.

Food went well - until the game in the evening when I hit the biscuit barrel. I have felt quite hungry all day and it seems to be real not emotional - but I am not sufre. I had some worrying information from the hopsital which got me a bt uptight and the chocolate craving was back.

At the moment tuning into my body physically - I am tired and hungry, emotionally I am worried and the question is ' what will happen at the hospital tomorrow when we start planning Edna's care package

An inspiring thought to start the day

There are natural consequences that accompany every choice we make in life. Some opportunities inevitably pass us by, but we can take advantage of others. Many people feel powerless, but this is rarely the case--some opportunities just require a little thinking outside the box. Today, reflect on the doors you are opening in your world and which ones are closing. You have the power to create the life you want if you are willing to set goals and take steps toward them. Rarely does fulfilling our hopes and dreams happen overnight, but you can take one tiny move towards them each day.

I am moving - sometimes its 2 steps forward and one back - but I am moving

End of a long hard day

I did an impressive 30 minutes on the Wiifit this morning , 2 reps of the step plus, 10 minutes of free jogging, and 10 minutes free stepping. I also did some gardening this afternoon. That ws more for therapeutic reasons as stress release but it was still excercise I reckon I did close to 4000 steps just on the Wiifit today. If I coudl do that every day I would be well pleased.

Food went well this morning. I had breakfast of shredded wheat and banana, then later (an lot later when Tony got up) I made bacon butties. Then the phne went and it was the hospital telling me Edna was unwell - and that was when the chocolate craving cut in and the stress levels went up.

I was actually OK until after I visited her at the hospital, and the gardening did help reduce the stress -but I have hit the biscuit barrel (chocolate chip cookies) quite hard this evening. I did manage to eat dinner slowly and then had a healthy desert but the cookies were feeling suicidal all evening. Its the closest I've come to a binge for months.

My head and my emotions are in turmoil at the moment. Its silly becasue whatever is wrong with her is treatable - but I have a bad feeling about the situatiom.

I dont think blogging tonight is going to be that helpful in helping me sort out my thoughts and get some sleep - but at least I have still made an entry.

A kick up the backside?

The reflection from Sparkpeople was VERY timely. Despite my good intentions I didn't exercise yesterday. In fact yesterday turned out to be a very bad day foodwise as well. So I am sitting here this morning feeling very ashamed and guilty full of resolve to do better.

I am going to be honest about the food disaster. We had fish and chips for dinner from the chip shop. It was an enormous portion. I didnt eat as sowly as I should, and I ate it ALL. Tony left some of his and normally so do I. I dont know what went wrong. I really felt hungry. But this morning I can feel that dinner lying sluggish in my guts like a lead weight.

I feel hungry but haven't eaten yet - like yesterday I dont know what I want. And I think that means I am not REALLY hungry at all.I think I misread things yesterday as well.

My IBS is playing up and I have taken a double dose of Movicol this morning. I know that is contributing to the lead weight feeling.

It is a lovely day - but apparently rather chilly. I could go for a walk, or I could just turn on the Wii fit. Yesterday I felt a bit shaky when I was out shopping . I think I will opt for the wi fit as a safe option since I can stop and sit down if I want to.

I am probably going to change my blogging routine and do this blog before I go to bed. I have a feeling it will help me clear my mind and help me get to sleep. So I am going to turn the laptop off, and turn the wiifit ON and 'move my body'

From Spark people

Exercise can be extremely uplifting! Marathon runners often talk about a "runner's high." Not only does working out help your physical body become stronger and more resilient, but it also has many pluses for your mind. Taking time out of your day to exercise gives you a chance to let go of your worries, calm your mind, and concentrate on one thing--which seems impossible to most moms! Running works for most people, as you can set the pace and distance to suit your skill level. Start slowly by doing a combination of stretching, walking, and light jogging. Then gradually work up to a routine that elevates your heart rate. Be careful not to start out too fast--it might lead to discouragement and muscle soreness that will make you never want to put on your running shoes again. Pretty soon you'll be able to intensify your workout to incorporate quicker paces and longer sessions. Endurance and setting a healthy pace are keys to long-term success. Just the kick I needed to get my back on track after a day when despite good intentions I didn;t excercise. Time to turn on the Wii fit I think

Just the tonic I needed

I have booked 2 holidays this morning - and the euphoria I feel is fantastic. I hadn't realised how much I needed a holiday. We are going to Cornwall in November and to Scotland in the first week of March - which means I will be on holiday for my birthday. 5 star accommodation courtesy of the holiday club we joined. I am really looking forward to both breaks .

I solved the conundrum of whether I was hungry and what I wanted. I went out to do some of the shopping etc and when I came home I made myself some porridge. I had a smallish bowl and ate it fairly slowly - but sloppy food like that is tricky to eat really slowly. But it was JUST what I wanted. 2 hours later I am hungry again - but it is real hunger and I want something crunchy. The texure of food is so important to me.

I wil go and see Edna this afternoon, and do the rest of the shopping on the way home.

For excercise I have been rushing round the shops and banks this morning, but that isnt enough. It is wet grey and rainy today so dont feel like a walk in the park - and in anycase I feel I need the flexibilty to stop if I need to after 10 minutes - soo I will be using the Wiifit later.

I really DO feel positive today - for the first time in a several days (weeks maybe??) Things feel as if they are finally going my way for a change.

The weekend

I have the usual range of weekend chore to do plus some extras. A package to pick up from the Post Office , a vist to the RSPCA with Steve to look at kittens, a holiday to book, and a cheque to pay in.

So my plan is to go out very soon to try and get most of the shoppping done early, then I will have plenty of time to phone the holiday club and book the holiday. That leaves lots of time for the kitten hunt - and of course the hopsital visit this afternoon.

I used the Wii fit last night before we went out and did 20 minutes free stepping - clocking up 30 minutes in one day for the first time in several days. (I did 10 minutes step plus before I went ot work) I know the key s get myself back into a routine where excercise is a natural part of my day.

Tuning in to my body (as Beyond Chocolate would say) what do I hear. Physical - I am slightly hungry but my IBS is an issue and I feel bloated and constipated.. Emotional -I am OK not down not up . I think the word is 'positive' And the question? What can I do today that is fun?

Thats a good start to the weekend. There is one more wuestion though. Am I going to eat something before I go out anmd if so what. That I am not sure about at all. I want to get moving asap, and there is nothing I feel I really WANT to eat - but I feel hungry and it is real hunger. But there is nothing I can imagine eating without feeling very slightly nauseous. Dont want ceral, don't want toast, don't wamnt waffles, don't want biscuits or cereal bars . Maybe I'll take a banana with me to eat on the run. Very bad from a Paul McKenna viewpoint but I really do not know what I want to eat - and that makes me question whether I should eat.

At least I am not eating becasue its breakfast time and I 'should eat something'