Taking things one day at a time

That's really the only way for me to tackle things at the moment. So how did yesterday go in the end?

I think the answer is not too bad. I ticked off things on my 'to do' list and managed to manage food without any huge lapses. I only ate 3 slices of my Pizza for dinner. But I did have a bedtime snack of 3 Jaffa cakes.

The one thing I didnt really do yesterday was meditate. I sort of did some as I was walking but I didnt make a constructive attempt to meditate at all. I think the reason I am not doing so well with that is becasue I dont have a structured appraoch the way I do with my physical excercise routine. Also I tend to leave it until I go to bed - and frankly I am then too tired to meditate (or pray) properly .

N Powere reared its head again yesterday. Tony went over to check the post at Steve's and there was a letter from NPower not addressed to Mr Luck or Steve but to someone else who has informed them (apparently!) that they are moving into number 6. After consulting me by text Tony rang them and hopefully that is the last we will hear of that. We will tell Steve when he gets back from Bournmouth

Its stupidly early o'clock for a sunday - but then cats dont know what day of the week it is. So I am sitting here blogging having done a body test (weoght no change, balance better Wii fit age 33) and eating breakfast (2 pieces of toast and a cup of coffee) I ate the toast fairly slowly - but I still feel hungry.

I am contemplating the day ahead and apart from a visit to Edna, cooking Sunday dinner, and making sure I am ready to run Monday's game are the only items on my 'to do' list. I will do some excercise of some sort - but I might just use the Wii fit - or I might go swimming. Change is as good as a rest . I might even be energetic and walk to the baths - its only about a mile aweay. I sort of meditate when I am walking. I am sure I could meditate while swimming too.

I seem to be fixated on the fact that I am not meditating. Maybe I need to go back to basics and work out why I feel I need to meditate. In fact this blog is a form of meditation. It heps me structure my thoughts and feelings about things.

I still feel horribly anti-social. I dont want to talk to people so in one way I am dreading work tomorrow. The game will be OK because the talk wont be social chit chat - it will be game focussed. But there is no doubt socialising is something I dont want to do because I can't give an honset answer to that most benign of questions 'How are you?' I can't give an honest answer - and somehow that exposes the hypocrisy of so much social exchange. Any anser other than 'Fine thanks' or something similar causes consternation. But I dont really WANT to talk about the situation to people who dont know the full circumstances about how I have ended up caring for Edna - and as I found out when Martyn was here - talking about Alan's death still upsets me a lot.

I guess thats why the blog is so helpful. I can tell the blog all my feelings so when people say 'How are you' I can give a socially acceptable response becasue I have already told the blog (and followers!) excatly how I am.

The blog definitly helps to keep me on track with my eating. I can't lie in the blog strange as it seems. So not only does it keep me honest with myself, but by giving me a vent for my feelings it helps reduce the urge to 'comfort eat'

I have a new mirror in my house. The mirror is finally up in the downstairs loo which is the one I use most during the day. So every time I wash my hands I see myself in the mirror. I have realised I like the person I see reflected back at me. I dont see a copy of my mother. I dont see someone with supermodel looks either! But I dont look at myself and think 'what a mess' or 'I look old' I feel pride about who I see in the mirror.

It may not be loving myself - but at least I am not hating myself.