Lets make a plan

I am tired but determined this morning. I am going to plan things. I am going to get some control over the situation I am now in and I am not going to go under. I am determined I will be back at work on Monday.

Food yesterday was a total disaster - pure comfort eating. And the results are not good mentally because I feel ashamed of myself for being so undisciplined. So I am going to make a plan to help restore some discipline and self respect.

I am going to start by focusing on the good things that have happened. I sometimes wish Tony was more romantic and demonstrative. But he just isnt the type. Yesterday while I was out visiting Edna he started work on staining the new doors we have downstairs. And it looks fabulous. A coat of clear varnish and it will be done. I realised that is his way of showing he loves me and showing his comitment to our home. I didn't have to nag him or remind him. In fact latel he has been really getting into the home improvment thing - whihc is something he knows matters to me. Its all been since we got the downstairs loo done - a room whihc I know he hated when it had that huge old sink and taps that didnt work., Its almots as if now that is sorted out he feels inspired to sort out the tings that bother me. I am so lucky to have him in my life. And I am sure he has done that work because it is something concrete he CAN do to support me.

Rachel has been so undertsanding about us not going to the wedding. I nearly cried when I read her text and the comment on my very self-loathing FB status. That is another good thing. Rachel is still my friend.

So having proved to myself that I am still lovable I need a plan to cope with things while Edna is in hospital. I can't think of one at the moment - so my plan today is to get myself in a frame of mind where I can make a plan about the bigger issues.

So how am I feeling at the moment? Tired, IBS playing up a bit (could this be the result of the comfort eating) and I do feel a little bit like a rabbit in the headlights not sure where to start with the things that need to be done today. But in fact only two things MUST be done today. Shopping and visiting Edna. If they get done .it doesn't matter if nothing else does. the sky wont fall in, the world wont come to an end if the laundry waits until tomorrow, if I dont get the stuff I need for Monday evening sorted out until Monday.

What do I need at the moment? I said in a previous post I couldnt help anyone if I was ill so what do I really need , to feel that I am control of the situation? I guess the answer is self respect - to feel I am capable of being in control of the situation. And I dont do anything to increase my self respect when I sit and mucn crisps and biscuits as I did last night. But self respect means respecting my limitations and not trying to be superwoman.

So what am I going to do today.

I am going to go for a walk round the park. It will only take 30 minutes and I know it will set me up for the day. Then I am going to get the shopping done. And this afternoon I will go and visit Edna.

That is a gentle schedule that shouldnt leave me rushing around so I dont have time to eat properly. I have had too many snackish meals over the past few days.

I have also realised I have ignored the spiritual aspect to all this. I havn't seriosuly meditated for days now. I didnt listen to a trance track the other evening when i said I would. I havn't prayed in a structured way. So I am going to take 30 minutes today to re-charge my spiritual batteries.

My 'to do ' list for today comprises walk (30 minutes) meditation (30 minutes) shopping (90 minutes including travel too and from) and hospital visiting (2 hours ish including travel too and from) I can reduce my travel time by doing the shopping and the hospital in one round trip so that will shave 30 minutes off the schedule. My 'to do' list will take me about 4 hours. It will be at least 14 hours before I go to bed . I can manage all that without feeling rushed or overwhelmed.

It also means I will have ample time to eat properly, to prepare good nourishing healthy food that will give me the stamina I need to cope.

I have a manageable plan for today and I already feel much more positive about things

Later

I have just had a lovely walk right round the perimeter of the park - and it took me 40 minutes. I have just got back - and with perfect timing I have just heard Tony wake up. So I am back in time to spend some time with him.

I feel that is a good omen for the rest of the day