Please can I have my energy back?

Food went OK yesterday until the evening. I ate more biscuits than I should have done - but I wasn't eating for the sake of it. I was hungry.

I managed to 'move my body' OK. I went for a walk before work - in the rain -it was quite pleasant. I also kept up with making excuses to walk at work. I am standing most of the day anyway but I used every opportunity to walk to pick things up or take prescriptions to be dispensed.

I am not going to do a body test this morning, I am not sure I am going to go for a walk this morning. In fact I am not sure I am going to work today. I feel totally knackered.

I did sleep last night. In fact I needed the alarm to wake me. In my first half hout today all I have done is feed the cats, sort out a little bit of laundry - all Edna's , make a cup of coffee and then spend 10 minutes drinking it and doing this blog. My brain feels fuzzy and I am writing at about half the speed I normally do. I cant focus my brain on what I want it do.

I feel a total wimp being in this sort of state but I am frightened. I am frightened about Edna's future, and woried what they mean for my future and my ability to work. It has taken me a nother 10 minutes just to get those last couplde of sentences down. I keep getting distracted. I wasn't focussing at work yesterday. I made loads of stupid errors - mainly to do with paperwork. But I could eaisly make a clinical mistake in my current state. I think I have to admit I am not fit for work today.

Its the rushing that does it. I normally rush in the morning making time for the walk, doing bits and pieces of work like loading or unloading the dishwasher. Then I have to get to work, and work is often a rush. But all that is controlled rushing that I chose to do. Adding in the trip to the hospital and back to see Edna is a rush too much it seems. Its so awkward that I have to go hoem and then go out again becasue of West Heaths very strict impostion of visiting hours. They dont let you in even a minute before 6 . Adnission an hour before is unthinkable.

A lot of my problem is psychological. I am upset by Edma's state, I am very aware of the rushing issue . I need to give my brain a workout and maybe get some things into perspective. I know I will do that better if I can take one bit of rush out of the equation - and that means work - at least for today. I also need to look at how I amanaging the things I need to do for Edna.

I will get it sorted out. What I am NOT going to do is let my eating degenrate in comfort eating. A lot of other issues in my life may be out of control but I can control my diet - or rather manage it. To talk about 'controlling' my food intake is uncomfotably close to an eating disporder!! I am going to manage my food sensibly by following the rules that Paul - and other experts in nutriton- reccomend. Smaller more frequent meals making sensible food choices.

Yesterday breakfast was one weetabix and orange segments with yoghurt. Lunch was a bagel filled with mackerel and a fresh fruit salad. Dinner was pork pie with some sald followed by an orange. And I did have some biscuits - and a tot of scotch.

I havent eaten yet this morning - and it is now over an hour since the alarm went off. But I am aware of feeling hungry - but also slightly nauseous whichI know is nerves - but the hunger IS real. So I will go and do myself some breakfast and see how I feel afterwards