Clearing the mind

I went swimming - but drove there rather than walked. Not only would the expedition have takne a lot longer - but I would have been SO tired when I got back. I am tired enough as it is.

But I enjoyed the swim. I did 200 metres almost non stop in 15 minutes, then did zig-zag lengths with mo re frequent natural breaks to change direction for the last 15 minutes.

There was something about the repetitive motion of swimming that cleared my mind and enabled me to think constructively. I guess walking can do the same but you have to be a bit more alert to your environment.

I feel much better . I came home hungry and have just had a second breakfast. Prepared a fresh fruit salad for our dinner and am planning on having a bath.

One thing I noticed in the showers at the pool. I wasn't the most overweight person there. In fact I shared the shower with a group I think were a family. Very overweight dad, More overwight than me mum and 2 kids who a clearly part of the obestity time bomb we have ticking away in this country. It did make me feel good about myself.

My thinking during the swim did make one thing clear. Despite the fact that we are coming up to the anniversary of Mum's death, it is memories of Alan that I need to deal with. I guess this is becasue the huse is now part of my life again with Steve living there.

I need to find a way to forgive Alan or be at peace with his memory. I dont know how to do this at the moment - but I am sure I will be given some ideas. I have realised I can't forgive myself for 'failing' Alan , and through that 'failing' Steve. Of course all the things I am doing for Edna at the moment are things Alan SHOULD have been doing. There is a large dose of resentment to be dealt with as well.

I have alo realised that during my childhood I picked up the message that to be loved I needed to be thin - hence my feelings about being unlovable when I am overweight now.

I have a lot to think about