Excercise - making progress

I am etting back into a more normal routine at last. I feel more able to get back into my old routine .

This morning I got up fed the cats, made my lunch , made myself a drink and turned on the Wii fit. 10 minutes and 2 goes on Step Plus and I know I have done it - but I did it. Ok the 600 odd steps that represents is a lot less than the 3000 steps I would take on my walk - but I dont have the energy to do te walk AND work at the moment.

Whether it is stress due to Edna's situation, a bug, or just tiredness - and most likely it is a combination of all three - I don't have the energy for a 3K walk and a full day at work at the moment. But I will get back to there at some point. I feel better just for getting back into any sort of excercise.

I didnt sleep that well last night and I do still fel tired this morning. I am also quite hungry. I went to bed very hungry and took a late night snack me with me (3 rice cakes 2 with cheese and one with pate) This feels like real hunger this morning (and gelt like real hunger last night)

I didnt get my lunch ready before I went ot work so bought it from the shop I pass from where I park the car. A samosa an apple and an iced muffin. Not very healthy - and not a sustainable source of energy. So I ate biscuits last naight. 2 at home and 2 at the hospital. Then had salad when I got home. I suspect my hunger was an indication of an inadequately balanced diet. I will try to do better today.

Breakfast includes whole wheat, fruit and fromage frais, lunch is a ham sanwich with lettuce and chutney - and an apple for dessert. Dinner will be - I dont have a clue at the moment - I think I will ask Tony to cook for us as we will be going out just after 7 and its a bit of a rush to get home just before 5 and cook a meal and eat it before 7.00 And its a gaming night so I must be caerful to avoid snacks. As I am running the game and its at Andy's I should be too busy to snack - and can avoid snaking by not taking any food with us when we go. Marion wont offer us anything apart from drinks. So I SHOULD get through today with a reasonably healthy and balanced intake.

But even as I sit here, my mind is reveiwing my 'to do' list for the weekend. Edna's laundry has to be washed and dired and returned to her either tomorrow or Sunday depending on when I got os ee her (or do I got both days?) We have nothing in for sunday lunch so I will need to go shopping - so I need a shopping list to mae sure I get everything that is needed. I want to book a holiday and unless Tony can ring them up today (and he HATES the phone) I will need to do it tomorrow (or maybe today during my lunch break) I need to make sure I am ready to run tongiths game. Steve wants to geta kitten tomorrow so will need me and the car (mind you I volunteered) And that doesnt include the stnadard things like OUR laundry, the decorating, etc. And all this is for my supposed 'days off work'

As I typed my list, I could feel a bit of panic creeping in and decided I needed to get Edna's laundry in now. I then dscovered Tony had done a load of our laundry yesterday -which is now on the dryer. The downside is the dryer is full - so the load I have just put in is going to have to be tumble dried. But hey who cares. Tony may sometimes be so laid back he is horizontal, but when the chips are down he is always there for me and I would be lost without him.

Back from work

I did make it to work - and survived until my normal leaving time. I have just got home and had the pleasure of catching up with your comments Sharon. It does help having another persons perspective.

I am stressed - and tired - and fed up at the moment. Its horrible the way Edna's situation has taken over so much.

I am not doing as well as I should do with food, and I still can't see how to turn things around. Its all about getting the mind in order - and there is too much going on at the moment.

I am doing quite well in keeping things to reasonable levels. OK I am eating biscuits - but not binging on a whole packet. There were chocolate bars in the tea room today. I only had one. I caugtn sight of myself in a mirror and was pleasantly surprised by how dumpy I DIDN'T look.

I haven't lost the plot - it is on hold while I work on a different plot line at the moment.

Good to have you back Sharon :-)

Later

I've used the Wii fit. 10 minutes step aerobics - over 1100 steps. Not much but its a start. Feel much better in myslef now I feel I am excercising again

To work or not to work

I am very unsure about going to work today. I haven't done anything physical this morning and I don't feel 100% but I am a lot better than yesterday....I think. But I am worried about getting a reputation for unreliability if I dont go in especially as I now have to leave at 1.00 next Tuesday. They are starting to discuss a care package for Edna after she is discharged and I have to meet the social worker at 2.00. But I will get a worse reputation if I make lots of mistakes because I am not feeling well. Maybe another day off won't hurt. I dont want to do anything to jeapordise them keeping me on after Linda comes back.

Food was a disaster yesterday. Illness does that to me. And this morning I am eating breakfast - but I am not really hungry. I feel bloated this morning. Thats my IBS playing up again. On the plus side I am eating slowly, and it is healthy ( one large shredded wheat with a peach and plain fromage frais)

Yesterdays dinner was healthy (chicken, rice and stir fried vegetables) I just didnt eat it slowly enough, but it was a smaller portion than I used to eat before I started following (or trying to follow) Paul's programme. But the choclate biscuits I ate during the evening were pure snacking. I wasn't really hungry - just 'fancied something'

I know the rules - I know they work - why can't I follow them????

OK you dont need to be a genius to work out I am highly stressed at the moment. I need to deal with that stress and get myself back on track. Will not going to work today cause more stress than it relieves or will a day off do me the power of good? Or will getting back into my routine increase my self esteeem and make me feel in control?

I dont have a clue what is going on in my brain at the moment - and I need to find out. How many of my worries are real and how many are imagination? My imagination is a useful tool - but is also my worst enemy at times when it runs out of control.

I will go and have a shower and see how I feel afterwards

Have I been doing too mucc?

I feel cr@p this morning. Last night I felt slightly shivery and wrapped myself up in a blanket. This morning I feel heavy eyed very tired and slightly snotty (can't think of another word sorry) . I clearly have a slight cold and I hope that is all that it is.

But I do feel VERY tired and I am wondering if I have been trying to do much? Maybe I shouldn't have aimed for walks every morning. Maybe I should have tried to build up gradually. It is typical of me to get really enthusiastic something and go at it hell for leather without really thinking.

I have to decide if I am going to go to work today. I have already decided I am not going for a walk.

Food didn't go as well yesterday as I hoped but I did feel more in control. I ate slower at lunchtime certainly. But I ate dinner too fast. But whatever I ate last night I wouldnt have really enjoyed it - and enjoyment is the key to eating slowly. I certainly dont fancy anything this morning for breakfast, But then I dont really feel hungry.

OK lets 'tune in' as beyond chocolate would say (I've started following them on Twitter)

Body - I feel sluggish ,slight IBS discomfort. Mood - dissappointed and worried. Question - What should I do?

Do about what? Edna, work today, food at the moment, my excercise regimen...........the list could go on and on if I'm honest.

What do I WANT to do at the moment? Not a lot if I'm honest. But am I ill or just tired? I don't have streaming eyes, a really blocked nose and the coughs and sneezes that would be the mark of a real cold . If I am just tired I have to admit it may be self inflicted and review accordingly.

OK I am on a downswing at the moment no doubt. but I will swing up again. I always do. Maybe a review of this blog would be useful to see if I can chart the swings and what triggers them. 'Know thyself' is alwyas good advice.

And I am trying hard to love myself as well

I need to decide how best to love myself today. Go to work and have pride in my earning capacity/ reliability or stay at home and relax ?

Its no contest really. Whatever the cause, I am NOT fit for work today. I think I am running a slight temeperature.

Back to bed I think

Mind over matter

Well I am starting today in a much more upbeat mood than yesterday. After the way I managed my lunch yesterday I feel rejuvenated.

Food went OK the rest of the day. I did a lot of rushing so my dinner was quite small simply so I had time to eat it in the time available.

I have started off this morning with a walk in the park, I have had breakfast - which was eaten at a pace I am happy with, and here I am blogging away.

The downside is my IBS is really playing up and I am back on Movicol. Finding out Russels Hall will almost certianly keep me on has releived a lot of stress - but by no means all. I do know I am feeling better because the game last night went well but IBS will strike when it wants to - and I am sure this attack is the result of the stress of the past week or so.

I am really enjoyiong my walks - although I feel guilty about not using the wii fit. I am sure it will come into its own in winter when the park will be a much less practical option.

Hopefully by winter I will be at least a stone lighter . Now there's an interesting an practical goal.

Mind and body

Yes a seconf post today - becasue I had a eureka moment today. This morning I was alble to clarify how ,ong my current locum placment will last. originally I had been told I was covering for a pharmacist out in Afghanistan with the TA. She returns at the beginning of September. But Geoff made it clear that unless I WANT to leave they are happy to keep me on. They are going to let other locums go at Corbett and Guest Hospitals. But they both want to leave - and are both full time. I am part time and so cheaper for them.

I felt a as if a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I hadn't realise wuite how worried I was about the work situation.

That conversation was in the morning.

I managed to eat my lunch slowly - and couldn't eat both sandwiches.

I never cease to be amazed at the amazing power of the mind over the body.

Malt loaf and biscuits

Thats what I was eating yesterday at Glenn's - mainly because that is all that was on offer. I did try to eat them slowly, and I was genuinely hungry. But yestreday really wasn't a good day for food. And because Steve went down with us, we went in the car so I didnt even get the walk in. I did no real excercise yesterday at all.

However this morning I have been for a walk in the park. In fact it was the first thing I did after feeding the cats. So I am off to a reasonable start today.

I am still plagued by emotional hunger. Except I am not so sure it is just emotional. I was describing to a psychic how I am often used as an agony aunt by people. She used an interesting phrase in describing how they can affect ypeople. 'Psychic vampires draining you of energy' That would certainly describe the effect last years events had on me.

But whatever the cause I am aware of hunger a lot of the time at the moment. It has started since Edna's fall and admission. I am also aware of my IBS being more troublesome. Nothing major - just a vague discomfort in my lower abdomen - but it is there all the time.

Undoubtedly this can all be categorised as stress. I just need to find a way to deal with the stress - which may well be easier said than done.

I have no doubt regular walks will help in sorts of ways - so I am going to concentrate on that.

And food? Well I will just try to make sure that when I eat I eat healthy food, and eat it slowly. So I will take lots of healthy snacks into work with me. Fruit and cereal bars are all I have to hand. I will have to try and make sure I have other healthy snack options around for variety.

'Eat when you are hungry' is shorthand for 'listen to what your body is telling you and honour its feelings' Eating when you are hungry is a physical way of showing you love your body (and yourself)

I know Paul's programme works. I am not losing weight at the moment because I am not following the programme. How many times have I commented recently that I am eating too fast? That is the bit I am failing on at the moment. That is what I MUST concentrate on.

And finally.............

No matter how hard you try, no matter how many hours you spend pondering and planning, and regardless of how hard you try, you absolutely cannot please everyone. It is impossible. So do yourself a favor and stop now, before you drive yourself farther toward insanity. There are many drawbacks to being a people-pleaser. A big one is that you often put yourself in a position of subservience. Sometimes you even put yourself last, which helps no one. Remember that helping yourself and doing what you feel is important should be valued. Find worth in your own opinions and viewpoint, and don't let your desire to please others compel you to keep yourself in the background. Falling short of perfection only proves that you are a normal human being.

That DOES make me feel better

Time

One of Aesop's most famous fables is about an encounter between a grasshopper and some ants. All summer long the ants had been toiling away, saving up grain for the long winter. All the while the grasshopper merrily--yet foolishly--squandered his time without a care in the world, without making any provisions for the cold season to come. When winter came, the grasshopper found himself starving and begged the ants for food. They replied, "If you were foolish enough to sing all the summer, you must dance supper-less to bed in the winter." While leisure time is important for rejuvenating an overworked mind, idleness is just a step away from foolishness. Think about the future that you deeply desire for yourself and your family. Chart and take wise steps towards it. There's nothing wrong with stopping to smell the roses, as long as you keep moving along the path.

The above from spark people was very timely. There is no doubt at the moment lack of time is my main problem. This is why I feel pulled and stressed.In fact even before I read that, the thought going through my mind was which of my activities (even blogging) could be regarded as a waste of time rather than genuine relaxation.

So what are my main priorities? What are my goals?

A happy family life with Tony
Caring for and supporting Edna for whatever life span she has
Supporting Steve as he embarks on an adult life with adult responsibilities
Being useful to other people who may need help from me.

Maybe I need to sit and think who 'I' am? There are certainly aspects of me that my work colleagues and internet friends know nothing about. I would expect certain FB friends to totally ridicule me if I put anything up about the psychic development course I have just booked myself on. I know a lot of my pharmacy friends would think I had gone totally barmy.

I have realised that there are aspects to everyone -even our closest friends and family - that we can never know and understand so I dont think I am unusual in this.

But knowing and loving yourself is the key to real happiness because until you know who you are, you can't make the right choices.

OK Philosophy over (for the blog at least!) One thing that is sure is that I need to be healthy to do everything I want /need to do.

I stil dont have the courage to turn on the Wiifit. Paul;s golden rules seem to have fallen into a black hole. I havent been binging or aything totally stupid like that. But I am still eating too fast and that is what I am going to concentrate on. I am still eating a lot slower than I used to but still too fast.

I feel fat today. My diet yesterday wasn't as healthy as it could have been. But today I am going to teach Tony how to cook rissotto. If he is more confident in how to do things in the kitchen he will be able to cook more .And his options will be extended beyond instant mash and beans with something grilled or spag bol. So he can cook healthily for us and can do more of the cooking for us. Of course that means I will be eating HIS choice of food more - but 'Eat what you want' really means 'Eat normal food not diet food'

I will be walking today because we are going to Worcester to see Glenn and Angie by train so will be walking the mile and a half from the station to the house. So I am not planning on doing any other excercise today. I am still tired from yesterdays gardening.

I feel more confident today about managing the priorities in my life than I have felt for a long time. I am sure part of that is because I have booked that training day.

So I am looking forward to a good Sunday, doing what I want to do, recharging my batteries for the week ahead .

The weekend

Its 8.00a, on Saturday and I am looking forward to not going to work. Doesn't mean I am not going to be busy though. But at least it is is busy-ness of my own choosing.

This morning I feel quite sluggish. I also feel fat with a capital F. I'm not sure why because food wasn't too bad yesterday in terms of Paul's golden rules. But it was less good in terms of eating healthily. I also had a bad self image moment when I realised Rob - and friend of ours who has had a BIG weight problem - now weighs less than me. I know I am not making any progress on losig weight at the moment. I am too scared to step on the scales or Wii fit becasue a weight gain would be totally destroyng. But I am not going to get back on track by ignoring the problem.

I have received the same message recently from a large number of sources - slow down, you can't do everything. I know I need to take that advice - but I dont know how to do that and loose weight at the same time.

My emotions are in control of me and my eating at the moment. If I can deal with the emotional issues the eating will get back on track and I will start to lose weight again.I have just eaten breakkast - and I still feel hungry. It is gnawing emotional hunger - I know its not real. I just can't find te right way to deal with it at the moment.

My main emotion is worry about how I can do everything I 'need' to do. I also feel I am failing at things when I do them. I need to get some perspective on that, and that is what I am going to concentrate on today.

Nearly the weekeknd

Today is the first anniversary of Mum's death.

I am tired this morning. I am so glad it is Friday. I am quite seriously wondering if I will work a full day today. I may ask to leave at 1.00.

Food was OK yesterday although I did hit the biscuit barrel - but I was hungry when I ate them. This morning I know I am not going to get any excercise done. I feel too tired and too sluggish. But I have eaten a healthy breakfast - and eaten it fairly slowly. I still feel hungry - but it feels emotional rather than real. I managed to ignore the emotional hunger yesterday. I didnt have anything to eat after my breakfast .

I have a long 'to do' list in my mind - but most of it doesn't need to be done now or today. Yesterday I was given a very strong message to slow down. And I am going to do just that. I have no doubt Tony will be delighted.

Stamina

This is my real problem at the moment - a lack of stamina. I start the day full of bounce normally, with great plans and good intentions. This morning I have been for a walk round the lake. I counted my steps (how OCD!) and my regular route is just a shade under 3000 steps. So only 7000 more to fit in to make the 10,00 steps a day target. (in my dreams!) I do quite a few at work. I reckon I must easily do 3000 at work.

Fit to the finish yesterday showed me I was on the right route by sticking to my walking every day. Now if only I can keep control of my eating.

Yesterday was a bad food day. I didn't binge- but I didn't eat healthily. I have just had breakfast - eaten slowly - and I am still hungry. I KNOW its emotional though. But I can't see a way to defuse the emotions

I got so frustrated last night. I have a flat pack cupboard for the bathroom - and I can't put it together. I am normally OK with flat packs but this one has me defeated. I also got very crabby at work. I can normally juggle several issues at once but at the moment I can't.

I am depressed about how I am feeling. My emotions are in control of me at the moment and I can't find the way to get back in control of them. I guess all I can do stay focussed on the big issues and hope the details sort themselves out.

Later

How timely and apt was this healthy reflection?

Breaking the world's control over your emotions

A lot in our past can be chalked up to inexperience, youth, and happenstance. But now, as an adult, you must claim your choices and their consequences as your own. Negative attitudes affect your life by creating cynicism, a pessimistic outlook, and often a lack of confidence. Take note of the ways you are escaping responsibility for your attitude. Do you continually blame situations, friends and family, or life in general for your poor mindset? The world has influence, without a doubt, but growing into a mature person means taking control of your emotions and attitude. Own them!

I guess I do won them. I am not blaming anyone else for them. I just cant see how to deal with them. Maybe tomorrows reflection will give me a clue

Start as you mean to go on

Well I have managed that this morning. It is 7.45 -much later than when I normally sit down to blog. But I can list all the things I have already done today

Been for a walk
Used the Wii fit
Loaded the dishwasher
Made my lunch

Yesterday ended up being a disaster foodwise. I am not surprised when I did the body test my BMI was up a touch and my weight was just over the dreaded 14st mark. But I am eating my breakfast fairly slowly and feel fairly good about myself this morning.Unfortunately I feel hungrier than I would like so slow eating is a bit of a problem. I woke hungry in the night - but I know that was emotional.

I slept badly last night, and had weird dreams again. I will have to try and write some of them down if I can and see what the symbols in the dreams may mean. I am dreaming for a reason I am quite sure.

The bad news is that 10 minutes in, my breakfast bowl is empty and I still feel hungry. I still have the emotionla issues from yesterday around. (see other blog) I did have some useful insights while I was walking but nothing that has given me that 'eureka' moment that shows me how problems can be solved. The bottom line is I am facing an unkown situation that is totally out of my control and I am scared. I still have to deal with the hunger tho. My breakfast was quite small (I weetabix and a kiwi fruit) And I have done some excercise . The hunger feels real, so I will have something else to eat before I go to work

So many thigns are NOT under my control at the moment. But that is no excuse for not controlling the things I can. If I can't control the hunger I can at least make sure what I am eating is as healty as possible.

Fracture clinic day

But it could also be kitten day - as Steve has asked if I can take him to Barnes Hill to find a kitten.

I am tired. I know I am tired because its 8.00 and I have only just woken up. I turned off the alarm at 6.30 and turned on the radio. Next thing I know I am deep in a weird dream about NOT finding Edna at the fracture clinic until something I heard made me realise it WAS a dream and I woke up.

I feel horribly sluggish at the moment - and its just as well I am not at work today.

Yesterday was spent with my stomach in a not worried about Steve. But he is home and is as OK as can be expected under the circumstances. Now all I have to do is tell Edna that the great romance is over . Food wasn't a total disaster although I didn't eat as slowly as I should have done. It also went slightly to pot yesterday evening when I hit the biscuit barrel - but that was before I knew Steve was home.

I dont have energy to excercise this morning - and it is far too wet to go for a walk in the park anyway. I may put the wiifit on later. I am just starting to feel hungry but dont really have any idea what I want to eat.

I amy as well be honest and own up to huge self image issues today. I feel totally helpless to really help Steve or Edna. Totally irrational but the only way I know how to counter this is to run around doing things for them, whihc takes time that I dont have and energy that I dont have and will make me even MORE tired.

I have to find a way yo get some balance. I have to convice myself that people will love me even if I am NOT being endlessly helpful to them.

Monday morning

And what a Monday morning it is. I have acheived one of my weekend goals. I am going to work with confidence that I can manage a full day. But my anxiety about Edna has been slightly sidelined by my anxiety over Steve. However he will be home tonight. I will text him in a bit just si he knows we are thinking of him. To be honest I am positive work is just the distraction I need from that situation. If I stayed at home the time would drag and I wuld get so uptight worrying about him - almost certainly totally needlessly.

I was more disciplined this morning than I have been for a little while. I did some spiritual reading before the alarm went off. I am considering setting the alarm half an hour earlier to make sure I have the time in the mornings.

I have sored out the kitchen and prepared my lunch already before sitting down to eat . I normally try and use the Wii fit before I eat but I was hungry so I ate.

Food was by no means a total disaster yesterday despite my chocolate craving after seeing Edna. I havent had another muffin, but I did have a couple of choclate eclair toffees, and I had a bedtime snack of 3 Jaffa cakes.

I will do some excercise this morning - but it may just be the Wiifit rather than a walk. I still ache from the swimming.

I have a very active imagination which at the moment is working against me rather than for me. It is causing me to imagine all kinds of disasters and see danger where there is none. It is something I have always has a tendency to do - but I am sure it worse now than it has ever been. Nothing I imagine stops me doing anything so it is an annoyance rather than a problem. I need to deal with it rhough. I think it is back to CYLI7D and some of the excercises in there.

I know I am not quite myself this morning. Depsite all the brave words I could esily sit here and dissolve into tears. I have a ot f little things to do this morning and part of me is in 'rabbit in headlight' mode. I am probably close to having panic attacks or maybe even depresseion. Given the circumstances at the moemnt, these feeling smay not be very surprsiing, but they are not helpful. I really need someone to talk to - who could listen to me rant on for about an hour get it all out of my system and then I would feel better and have it all in perspective.

I avoid involving Tony in all this normally. I dont want to become a burden to him. But I have realised I iften make incoreect assumptions about Tony's reactions to things. Maybe I could talk to him tonight?

A bad day

The visit to the hospital was very stressful. I came away with the most tremendous urge for chocolate. I had to do soem shopping on the way home, so I decided I would give in to the urge and I bought some double choclate chip muffins. I have only eaten one. 6 hours later the other 5 are still in the packet.

This is an amazing feat because the stress levels went up massively when I learned that my son's girlfirend had decided to end the relationship while he was staying at her home down in Bournmouth. He is coming back tomorrow (he shouldl have been staying till Friday) . I am so upset thinking of HIM so upset miles away in a place where the only person he knows is her.

I feel aboslutely helpless

Clearing the mind

I went swimming - but drove there rather than walked. Not only would the expedition have takne a lot longer - but I would have been SO tired when I got back. I am tired enough as it is.

But I enjoyed the swim. I did 200 metres almost non stop in 15 minutes, then did zig-zag lengths with mo re frequent natural breaks to change direction for the last 15 minutes.

There was something about the repetitive motion of swimming that cleared my mind and enabled me to think constructively. I guess walking can do the same but you have to be a bit more alert to your environment.

I feel much better . I came home hungry and have just had a second breakfast. Prepared a fresh fruit salad for our dinner and am planning on having a bath.

One thing I noticed in the showers at the pool. I wasn't the most overweight person there. In fact I shared the shower with a group I think were a family. Very overweight dad, More overwight than me mum and 2 kids who a clearly part of the obestity time bomb we have ticking away in this country. It did make me feel good about myself.

My thinking during the swim did make one thing clear. Despite the fact that we are coming up to the anniversary of Mum's death, it is memories of Alan that I need to deal with. I guess this is becasue the huse is now part of my life again with Steve living there.

I need to find a way to forgive Alan or be at peace with his memory. I dont know how to do this at the moment - but I am sure I will be given some ideas. I have realised I can't forgive myself for 'failing' Alan , and through that 'failing' Steve. Of course all the things I am doing for Edna at the moment are things Alan SHOULD have been doing. There is a large dose of resentment to be dealt with as well.

I have alo realised that during my childhood I picked up the message that to be loved I needed to be thin - hence my feelings about being unlovable when I am overweight now.

I have a lot to think about

Taking things one day at a time

That's really the only way for me to tackle things at the moment. So how did yesterday go in the end?

I think the answer is not too bad. I ticked off things on my 'to do' list and managed to manage food without any huge lapses. I only ate 3 slices of my Pizza for dinner. But I did have a bedtime snack of 3 Jaffa cakes.

The one thing I didnt really do yesterday was meditate. I sort of did some as I was walking but I didnt make a constructive attempt to meditate at all. I think the reason I am not doing so well with that is becasue I dont have a structured appraoch the way I do with my physical excercise routine. Also I tend to leave it until I go to bed - and frankly I am then too tired to meditate (or pray) properly .

N Powere reared its head again yesterday. Tony went over to check the post at Steve's and there was a letter from NPower not addressed to Mr Luck or Steve but to someone else who has informed them (apparently!) that they are moving into number 6. After consulting me by text Tony rang them and hopefully that is the last we will hear of that. We will tell Steve when he gets back from Bournmouth

Its stupidly early o'clock for a sunday - but then cats dont know what day of the week it is. So I am sitting here blogging having done a body test (weoght no change, balance better Wii fit age 33) and eating breakfast (2 pieces of toast and a cup of coffee) I ate the toast fairly slowly - but I still feel hungry.

I am contemplating the day ahead and apart from a visit to Edna, cooking Sunday dinner, and making sure I am ready to run Monday's game are the only items on my 'to do' list. I will do some excercise of some sort - but I might just use the Wii fit - or I might go swimming. Change is as good as a rest . I might even be energetic and walk to the baths - its only about a mile aweay. I sort of meditate when I am walking. I am sure I could meditate while swimming too.

I seem to be fixated on the fact that I am not meditating. Maybe I need to go back to basics and work out why I feel I need to meditate. In fact this blog is a form of meditation. It heps me structure my thoughts and feelings about things.

I still feel horribly anti-social. I dont want to talk to people so in one way I am dreading work tomorrow. The game will be OK because the talk wont be social chit chat - it will be game focussed. But there is no doubt socialising is something I dont want to do because I can't give an honset answer to that most benign of questions 'How are you?' I can't give an honest answer - and somehow that exposes the hypocrisy of so much social exchange. Any anser other than 'Fine thanks' or something similar causes consternation. But I dont really WANT to talk about the situation to people who dont know the full circumstances about how I have ended up caring for Edna - and as I found out when Martyn was here - talking about Alan's death still upsets me a lot.

I guess thats why the blog is so helpful. I can tell the blog all my feelings so when people say 'How are you' I can give a socially acceptable response becasue I have already told the blog (and followers!) excatly how I am.

The blog definitly helps to keep me on track with my eating. I can't lie in the blog strange as it seems. So not only does it keep me honest with myself, but by giving me a vent for my feelings it helps reduce the urge to 'comfort eat'

I have a new mirror in my house. The mirror is finally up in the downstairs loo which is the one I use most during the day. So every time I wash my hands I see myself in the mirror. I have realised I like the person I see reflected back at me. I dont see a copy of my mother. I dont see someone with supermodel looks either! But I dont look at myself and think 'what a mess' or 'I look old' I feel pride about who I see in the mirror.

It may not be loving myself - but at least I am not hating myself.

Afternath of a hospital visit

I have just got back from visiting Edna and it was very upsetting (see other blog) As I drove home I became aware of the desire to OD on chocolate.

So far I have managed food well today. I made time specifically to have some lunch while I was doing the shopping. I realised I was hungry so I went into the cafe at the supermarket and had a decaf cappuccino with `a sweetener, a tuna panini and and a very chocolaty homey bake cake (small portion) I couldnt eat all the panini and half of it is still in my bag. I savoured every morsel of the cake and throughly enjoyed it.

I didnt feel hungry when I was driving home from the hospital so I know the desire for chocolate was emotional. I have put awy the shopping, am about to make a drink, and have had one (and only one) chocolate eclairt sweet whihc I have sucked and savoured. That seems to have laid the demon and I am fairly confident I will not be OD'ing on choclate or anything else really really unhealthy. But I AM peckish and I am going to have something to eat.

Lets make a plan

I am tired but determined this morning. I am going to plan things. I am going to get some control over the situation I am now in and I am not going to go under. I am determined I will be back at work on Monday.

Food yesterday was a total disaster - pure comfort eating. And the results are not good mentally because I feel ashamed of myself for being so undisciplined. So I am going to make a plan to help restore some discipline and self respect.

I am going to start by focusing on the good things that have happened. I sometimes wish Tony was more romantic and demonstrative. But he just isnt the type. Yesterday while I was out visiting Edna he started work on staining the new doors we have downstairs. And it looks fabulous. A coat of clear varnish and it will be done. I realised that is his way of showing he loves me and showing his comitment to our home. I didn't have to nag him or remind him. In fact latel he has been really getting into the home improvment thing - whihc is something he knows matters to me. Its all been since we got the downstairs loo done - a room whihc I know he hated when it had that huge old sink and taps that didnt work., Its almots as if now that is sorted out he feels inspired to sort out the tings that bother me. I am so lucky to have him in my life. And I am sure he has done that work because it is something concrete he CAN do to support me.

Rachel has been so undertsanding about us not going to the wedding. I nearly cried when I read her text and the comment on my very self-loathing FB status. That is another good thing. Rachel is still my friend.

So having proved to myself that I am still lovable I need a plan to cope with things while Edna is in hospital. I can't think of one at the moment - so my plan today is to get myself in a frame of mind where I can make a plan about the bigger issues.

So how am I feeling at the moment? Tired, IBS playing up a bit (could this be the result of the comfort eating) and I do feel a little bit like a rabbit in the headlights not sure where to start with the things that need to be done today. But in fact only two things MUST be done today. Shopping and visiting Edna. If they get done .it doesn't matter if nothing else does. the sky wont fall in, the world wont come to an end if the laundry waits until tomorrow, if I dont get the stuff I need for Monday evening sorted out until Monday.

What do I need at the moment? I said in a previous post I couldnt help anyone if I was ill so what do I really need , to feel that I am control of the situation? I guess the answer is self respect - to feel I am capable of being in control of the situation. And I dont do anything to increase my self respect when I sit and mucn crisps and biscuits as I did last night. But self respect means respecting my limitations and not trying to be superwoman.

So what am I going to do today.

I am going to go for a walk round the park. It will only take 30 minutes and I know it will set me up for the day. Then I am going to get the shopping done. And this afternoon I will go and visit Edna.

That is a gentle schedule that shouldnt leave me rushing around so I dont have time to eat properly. I have had too many snackish meals over the past few days.

I have also realised I have ignored the spiritual aspect to all this. I havn't seriosuly meditated for days now. I didnt listen to a trance track the other evening when i said I would. I havn't prayed in a structured way. So I am going to take 30 minutes today to re-charge my spiritual batteries.

My 'to do ' list for today comprises walk (30 minutes) meditation (30 minutes) shopping (90 minutes including travel too and from) and hospital visiting (2 hours ish including travel too and from) I can reduce my travel time by doing the shopping and the hospital in one round trip so that will shave 30 minutes off the schedule. My 'to do' list will take me about 4 hours. It will be at least 14 hours before I go to bed . I can manage all that without feeling rushed or overwhelmed.

It also means I will have ample time to eat properly, to prepare good nourishing healthy food that will give me the stamina I need to cope.

I have a manageable plan for today and I already feel much more positive about things

Later

I have just had a lovely walk right round the perimeter of the park - and it took me 40 minutes. I have just got back - and with perfect timing I have just heard Tony wake up. So I am back in time to spend some time with him.

I feel that is a good omen for the rest of the day

Drained of energy

I feel totally drained of energy at the moment. Despite my brave words this morning everything feels as if it falling apart. I have just got back from a visit to Edna which has does nothing to make me feel better. Details of that are in the other blog.

Between tiredness and depression (not clinical depression!) I feel very lethargic and find it difficult to focus on things. That is why I have not gone to work today.

Tonight I was supposed to be running a game for the role playing group - but that means I have got to be mentally alert - plus the game is at Andy's (not here) so I have got to move. I have decided I cant face itand have called it off. I dont have the energy to move, and to be honest I dont feel like being sociable and talking to people.

And that is the main reason why I dont want to go to Rachel and Tylers's wedding tomorrow. Plus the fact that I was planning on getting my outfit on Tuesday - and of course in the end didnt have the time or energy to.. My idea of hell at the moment is a large social do where I have to talk to people. I dont want to talk to people.

I did go for a walk this morning, and I have actually made moves to sort out some the things I mentioned this morning were on my mind. But I have been sitting here eating chocolate and biscuits since getting home from the hospital.

So at the moment I am in full on 'I hate myself' mode. Not just because the sensible eating has gone by the boeard -but because I am worried how other people will feel about me pulling out of things - especially Rachel and Tyler.

But if I have a quietish weekend just doing what I really NEED to do, I should get some of my energy back and at least be able to cope with work next week.

Self love is the only weight loss aid that works in the long run

Like Martha Graham, who said that "The body is a sacred garment. It's your first and last garment; it is what you enter life in and what you depart life with, and it should be treated with honor," Jenny Craig seems to know a thing or two about caring for your body and your self. In the Garden of Eden, eating was modeled as one of life's most pleasurable experiences. But then Eve took a bite out of that apple (so much for the low calorie, low fat, high fiber theory), and women (and men) have been at war with food ever since. Both of these quotes reflect this fact. Are your weight issues really a symptom of something else--boredom, depression, regret, or rejection? At the root of many issues is our self-loathing at worst, our self-indifference at best. Food is not the enemy. We are. Break the cycle of dieting and replace it with loving yourself enough to make good choices about your diet. Examine your eating habits this week. Are you honoring your body with your food choices? How can you love yourself back to a healthy relationship with eating? Take steps towards defeating the natural compulsion or craving that might take you down a path of regretful eating. Remember the sacredness of your own skin.


I've never heard of Jenny Craig (the author of the quote in the title) but she is described as a 'diet guru' She may or may not be be - but I understand what she means with every fibre of my body.

Once I used to feel everyone disliked me , only put up with me. It took CYLI7D to get me to realise that the problem was I dislked me. Right now I dislike me a lot - but I now have the self awareness to realise it is because I am bone tired,and stressed. I am not going to work today. I need to stop rushing and concentrate on the important things . And one of those important things is my health and well being becasue I will be no good to man or beast if I sink back into depression.

Food was a disaster yesterday.

Breakfast was OK but lunch was (I think) crispbreads and peanut butter and I grabbed a banana to eat in the car as I drove to the hospital. I drove from the hospital to Edna's flat to pick up some things for her and had a couple of chocolate biscuits. I got home and finally sat down and had biscuits with a cup of tea. Dinner was a leftovers meal, Fairly healthy stuff on the whole - and to be fair I didnt finish all ine. I recognised I was getting full so I stopped eating. But later on I raided the biscuit barrel very seriosuly and I had a bedtime snack of crispbread and peanut butter.

That finishes the confession about food. Excercise was also a bust becasue I was too tired /too busy to fit anything in. I didnt drink mch water and guess what? I didnt do anything that resembles the mirror excercise.

The problem is I have lost 'me' in the rush to try and sort out Edna and make sure she is OK. "I' don't matter any more - at that is how I feel. Ironically I keep having the thought that I am going to develop some horrible health problem (flu,cancer,heart disease) which means I am going to die. I keep thinking that I need to make sure my will is in order and that I have made arrangments for Tony to receive my pension after my death.

So having confessed all that what am I going to do about it? I am NOT going to ignore the feelings. I need to honour them and hear the message tney are giving me, because by doing that I will be loving myself.

Thanks to Mr McKenna's training (and the message from Beyond Chocolate and Sparkpeople) I am not going to feel that having had one bad day and messed up I might as well forget abut trying to lose weight. I couldn't go back to my old eating patterns . I hae practised Paul's rules too long now and they are habit now - as yesterdays dinner showed. OK I indulged in some confort eating - probably because I didnt eat when I was hungry. And I didnt eat when I was hungry becasue I was rushing. But the thing is Edna wouldnt have sufferred if I had taken the time to sit an eat something a little more substantial. All that would have happened would be that I would have been about 20 minutes later getting to the hospital .

I need to get my priorities right. So the first thing I am going to do is go for a walk, get some freah air and some calm. I have had a large mug of coffee but don't really feel hungry yet. Maybe the walk will give me an appetite?

Please can I have my energy back?

Food went OK yesterday until the evening. I ate more biscuits than I should have done - but I wasn't eating for the sake of it. I was hungry.

I managed to 'move my body' OK. I went for a walk before work - in the rain -it was quite pleasant. I also kept up with making excuses to walk at work. I am standing most of the day anyway but I used every opportunity to walk to pick things up or take prescriptions to be dispensed.

I am not going to do a body test this morning, I am not sure I am going to go for a walk this morning. In fact I am not sure I am going to work today. I feel totally knackered.

I did sleep last night. In fact I needed the alarm to wake me. In my first half hout today all I have done is feed the cats, sort out a little bit of laundry - all Edna's , make a cup of coffee and then spend 10 minutes drinking it and doing this blog. My brain feels fuzzy and I am writing at about half the speed I normally do. I cant focus my brain on what I want it do.

I feel a total wimp being in this sort of state but I am frightened. I am frightened about Edna's future, and woried what they mean for my future and my ability to work. It has taken me a nother 10 minutes just to get those last couplde of sentences down. I keep getting distracted. I wasn't focussing at work yesterday. I made loads of stupid errors - mainly to do with paperwork. But I could eaisly make a clinical mistake in my current state. I think I have to admit I am not fit for work today.

Its the rushing that does it. I normally rush in the morning making time for the walk, doing bits and pieces of work like loading or unloading the dishwasher. Then I have to get to work, and work is often a rush. But all that is controlled rushing that I chose to do. Adding in the trip to the hospital and back to see Edna is a rush too much it seems. Its so awkward that I have to go hoem and then go out again becasue of West Heaths very strict impostion of visiting hours. They dont let you in even a minute before 6 . Adnission an hour before is unthinkable.

A lot of my problem is psychological. I am upset by Edma's state, I am very aware of the rushing issue . I need to give my brain a workout and maybe get some things into perspective. I know I will do that better if I can take one bit of rush out of the equation - and that means work - at least for today. I also need to look at how I amanaging the things I need to do for Edna.

I will get it sorted out. What I am NOT going to do is let my eating degenrate in comfort eating. A lot of other issues in my life may be out of control but I can control my diet - or rather manage it. To talk about 'controlling' my food intake is uncomfotably close to an eating disporder!! I am going to manage my food sensibly by following the rules that Paul - and other experts in nutriton- reccomend. Smaller more frequent meals making sensible food choices.

Yesterday breakfast was one weetabix and orange segments with yoghurt. Lunch was a bagel filled with mackerel and a fresh fruit salad. Dinner was pork pie with some sald followed by an orange. And I did have some biscuits - and a tot of scotch.

I havent eaten yet this morning - and it is now over an hour since the alarm went off. But I am aware of feeling hungry - but also slightly nauseous whichI know is nerves - but the hunger IS real. So I will go and do myself some breakfast and see how I feel afterwards

The morning after

I was so tired I went to bed at 9.00 last night and didnt bother listening to anything. I went off fairly quickly but woke about midnight. I woke once more during the night but basiacally didnt wake again properly until just past 6.

I do feel better in myself - but the body test showed I am not at my best. The results on both tests were 10% worse than before. My weight was 1lb up - but I am wearing heavier clothing this morning whihc probably accounts for most of it.

I did have a couple of biscuits as well as a small whisky last night - but I dont hate myself so I feelno urge to just throw caution to the winds this morning.

I havent eaten yet - I'm not really hungry. I dont know what I fancy to eat at the moment.

It is a horrible grey day today -quite wet. But I am going to go for a walk in a minute (when I have finished my coffee and am properly awake)

Morning is MY time when no-one else needs me. So this is the time I can dedicate to myself and my health and well being. And I am going to make the most of it.

Two posts in one day tells its own story

I had a very upsetting vist to see Edna today. I am sitting here feeling very tired and dispirited, wondering if I can face work tomorrow. The temptation to hit the biscuit barrel is HUGE - but I have managed not to so far. I did us vegetable omlette for tea and for pudding we will finish off the crumble from Sunday with some custard.

I can see myself having something alcoholic tonight though. At least its fewer calories than biscuits and I wont hate myself afterwards .

I have a headache which I know is caused by stress. I dont feel ravenously hungry at the moment - but I can feel it building. At the moment I feel slightly sick - the way I did this morning before my appointment.

Emotion plays havoc with eating - but I am going to try and keep things under control. Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow - if I get some decent sleep. If I dont sleep.......................


I need to make sure I do sleep so I MUST listen to a trance track tonight.

A sleepy start

I am an over an hour late getting up today. I have a planned day off work today so when the alrm went off I didnt get up and I dozed off again. I didnt sleep very well so I guess I needed the extra time. But I am stil very sleepy

This morning the most important item on my health agenda is having my blood pressure checked. I dont know what I am going to do if the recommendation is that I need medication. But I will cross that bridge if I come to it

All things considered food and excercise went well yesterday NO BISCUITS. I enjoyed my walk before I went to work. I am considering walking to the doctors - but I really need to scoot straight off from there to do various errands - so I probably wont.

At the moment I dont feel like doing amy excercise at all so I am not going to turn the Wiifit on . I am aware of feeling slightly sick and I know its due to nerves about my check up . Edna's situation is also having an effect on my stomach. So I dont really feel hungry and there is nothing I can think off that I really feel like eating at the moment. Logic tells me I should eat before I got out. I think I need to be sensible and come back here after my appoitnment when I will undoubtedly better. Its fear of the unknown that is affecting me . Good or bad I will know the situation after my appointment and will then be able to eat something hpefully healthy that wil set me up for the tasks I have to do. If I dont eat now and rush aorund this morning I will end up snacking on the worst sort of food.

So I wont do that - and I will walk to the surgery - which means I need to leave fairly soon

Later

Walked there and back (well walking back was the only option once I had walked there lol) and the good news is I have received a clean bill of health for a year! No medication needed and as long as I continue to live a healthy lifestyle (which means keeping up with the excercise) I should be able to stay off medication.

OK the white toast with marmalade I am now eating for breakfast probably isn't the healthiest choice I could have made - but it was what I wanted.

I now have a bisy day ahead - so I must get on

Getting into a new routine

With Edna in hospital I have to get a new routine established. OI've already told Tony to sort himself out with dinner tonight and that I will eat when I come in from seeing Edna.

Food and excercise went OK yesterday. The memory of the pleasure I got from the walk yesterday will I hope motivate me to take a walk this morning - not as long a walk though.

I had fun with dinner yesterday. I did a roast for the first time in weeks using up some beef I had in the freexer and the organic vegetables I had delivered. I even made a pudding - rhubarb crumble. My portion of dinner was quite small and I didnt eat it all. I did eat quite a bit of the crumble tho. Steve ate with us yesterday which was nice.

I do feel motivated by the wieght loss recorded by the Wiifit. I have never really been an obsessive weigher. I wonder if Paul's 'no weigh-ins' rule is aimed at the obssesives? I think the whole of Paul's programme is meant to get you thinking in a new way about food excercise and weight loss and to find the way that works for you. I find the graph very helpful so I think I DO need regular weigh ins - maybe twice a week at the moment. I didnt do a body test today but did do some muscle excercises

All in all I feel cautiously positive about things and I dont think the current crisis is going to cause me to pile on the pounds.

Waiting

That's what I am doing at the moment - waiting to see how things are going to develop - and in the meantime just get on as best as I can with other things.

I feel much better after a good nights sleep - although my instinct is to batten down the hatches on anything social like the games and Tylers wedding because I just dont want to talk to people. However I am very happy to talk to the blog.

My immediate problem is the time for hospital visits. It will be OK today - but I am going to have to go direct from Russels Hall to Selly Oak to visit her if I can. Going home then going out again will be too disruptive. But it means long days. I may have to consider cutting back to 5 hours a day and leave at 3.30. I need to have some idea of how long she is going to be in for before I can make any long term plans.

Another concern is long term effects of the fracture. If it reduces her mobility even more staying at Fosters may be totally impossible. I need to know what the orthopaedic opinion is - which hopefully I will get today.

So I am waiting. Lots of 'what if' scenarios keep floating into my head and I can't help trying to formulate plans but I know that most of them are a waste of time until I know more.

I need to prioritise my concerns, and concentrate on what is needed most.

1) My health - I cant do diddly squat for anyone if I am not healthy so making time for excercise and meditation is vital.
2) Family life - another top priority. I need support from Tony and Steve (and Steve still needs some support from me)
3) Money - I dont need financial worries on top of everything else so I carry on working unless my health means it is unwise to do so.

Everything else is unimportant at the moment until Edna is out of hospital.

Am I being a wimp to consign everything else to the back burner? Well if I am too bad.

I am going to give myself a pat on the back for the way food went yesterday. Paul's rules are clearly well ingrained in my psyche now. I did a bit of comfort eating in bed last night ( a choclate biscuit and a cereal bar) But the rest of the day I never felt out of control of my food. I didnt do any formal excercise yesterday - but I think I will go for a walk this morning as I am feeling much more energetic.

Later

I went for a walk round the perimeter of the park. It was a lovely sunny day and I thoroughly enjoyed my half hour in the fresh air.

I decided I would record the activity on the Wii fit - and decided I would do the body test since logic said there was no way it could record a weight gain. I was delighted when it showed a 3ilb weight LOSS taking me down to 13st12lbs. And my Wiifit age came out at 29.

I know I am not defined by these figures - but they do affect how I feel about myself - and the boost has come at just the right for me.

Also this healthy reflection - which is so Paul McKenna has been posted at very helpful time for me

Life is like a marathon. We run and run, not knowing where (or how far) the finish line lies. We focus so intensely on prolonging the race but sometimes--despite our best efforts--the race is cut short. Too often we don't relish the path of and enjoy the details instead of just pounding the pavement of life. What personal boundaries can you expand to help you enjoy your life? Today meditate on the simple joys: a warm bath, reading a book to a sleepy toddler, or spending quality time with your family and friends. All of life contains bumps in the road such as losing your job or an unforeseen illness. But it is up to us to determine the quality of our lives. Remember, we don't always determine the distance, but we can determine the path.

I will determine my path.

At the end of the day.......

I am still exhausted. I am not going to go into details about Edna - its all in the other blog - but that situation is highly stressful to put it mildly.

But there has been some good newes today. My new phone has arrived and I have worked out how to use it - with some help from Steve. It even has a hands free kit so I can sue ti in the car. I now have another 90 minutes when I can make phone calls.

Steve has the money from the insurance policies, has bought some new curtains for his house in a sale, and best of all the problem between between him and janet and Dale about his sky dish has been resolved. A Sky engineer turned up unexpectedly today - and solved it by the simple expedient of moving the dish to the otjher side of Steve's house so it can't be seen from Janets garden. So all is harmonius between Nos 4 and 6 now - and Dale has even offerred to make him a new back gate.

Phil is away for a month so Steve is on hs own so I suspect we will be seeing a bit more of him than we used to.

But somehow food has gone OK today. I did munch on some biscvuits this afternoon - but I was hungty. But I wasn't able to eat even half of my chicken tokka and chips. I just couldnt eat it.

Partly thats because I am so tired - but I managed to eat conciosuly and slowly and I stopped before I was full.

I seem not to be giving into comfort eating.

OK take a deep breath..............

It is 8.30 am and I am knackered from lack of sleep. I had to get up to pacify the cats - and anyway I am expecting my new mobile to be delivered this morning anytime between 8.00 and 1.00.

I am sitting here wondering what to do and where we go from here. I am also wondering what sort of w/e I will have and if all this is going to affect my work.

I didnt resist bsicuits last night at 2.00am but I havent binged or done any serious comfort eating. Breakfast was 2 pieces of toast and marmite.

I know formal excercise is going to be off the agenda today- but I anticipate expending a lot of nervous energy on running around doing things. I am supposed to be going over to keep Rachel company tonight as it is Tylers stag do. I am really not sure if I will make it or if I am in the mood to make it.

I am determined not to let this lure me into comfort eating - but I am going to abandon body tests . The last two days have shown me that daily wiegh ins are as futile as Paul says. I ate the toast faily slowly - and I do still feel hungry but I really dont fancy anything to eat - the thought makes me feel slightly sick.

I knew these kinds of episodes were likeley to occur with Edna . I have arranged my life so I can cope with them. There is no need for me to go into a panic or get into the sort of state that causes emotional eating. I am just so tired at the moment.

I survived the day

Actually I did quite well. I got all the shopping done before I went to work, I sorted out the mobile phone problem when I got home.

I did the body test and a short workout - but didnt go for a walk. And I have apparently put on another pound so I am back up to 14st 1lb. But doi I care about that - not really becasuse there is no way my core weight has increased by 2 lbs in 2 days. The bodies normal fluctuation and the sensitivity of the board to weight changes really makes daily bosy tests meaningless. I had to laugh at the barrage of suggestions it gives you as optios to explain the weight gain.

My wii fit age went up to 41 which is dissappointing - but I was tired this morning.

I told Sharon not define herslef by figures - I need to take my own advice.

I need a chill out weekend - as much as I can anyway. Apart from taking shopping over to Edna I have no jobs I MUST do.


Much later - 3.00 am

Alll my plans have gone awry. Edma had a fall and has been admitted to Selly Oak Hopsital. So my weekend is going to be anything but relaxing. I have a horrible feeling of deja vu about this

Who am I?

This philosophical question has been prompted by the pestering of both the cats wich has been going on since just past 5.00 this morning. But it is also prompted by the fact that I am slightly in 'rabbit in the headlights' mode feeling I have so much to do.

I had the laptop in bed as I used it to listen to Kelly Howell last night so I have decided to use the time to do some blogging since I am refusing on principal to get up before the alarm goes off.

Who I am defines what I have to do. So I am the pharmacist and breadwinner, the mother, the partner, the carer, the only driver in the family, the person trying to keep mind and body healthy. Oh and the person who has to feed the cats in the morning!

My 'to do' list at the moment includes getting tiles for the bathroom, shopping for us and Edna, clothes shopping for the wedding on the 18th, sorting out my tax situation now I am no longer employed by the NHS, chasing up why my the mobile phone that should have arrived yesterday didnt arrive, and getting ready for the game tonight that I am running. Plus I would like to find time to help Steve with his garden.

Food went OK yesterday, excercise went OK as well. I am still not eating as slowly as I would like - but my portions yesterday were smaller.

I am not sure if I am going to do a body test today or not. I dont know if I have the energy to go out for a walk or not. I will use the wii fit this morning though.

I feel today is not having a good start. I just hope it will get better.

I just found this from Spark people. It is very apt for how I feel today

Often our days are busied with worry, stress, complaining, work, and a general wasting of time. Once we finally realize the value of our time, often for many of us it is too late. While your life might seem like a long time in the midst of it, truly it is a blink of an eye. Today, make more time to be present in your life. Even small moments--enjoying a cup of tea, calling a friend, reading a favorite book--should be enjoyed. Restructure your day so that you can get all of your work done, but allow for extra time to be spent on personal matters. Stop procrastinating!

Back to earth

Afer the euphoria of yesterday it was inevitable I would have a bit of a bump down today. As I preditec my BMI went up again very slighlty and my weight was back up to 14 st - but not OVER 14 st.

Food yesterday was not good. I had a cereal bar in the tea room before I went to the dispensary - but I alo had a piece of ginger cake left over from yesterday. And I also had some biscuits last night - but I was a bit hungry when I had them. My dinner was also bigger than normal becasue Tony cooked and served it - and I failed to leave any on the plate. But we were late eating because I had been to see Edna after work.

Its amazing how many good excuses I can find for why things didnt go according to plan.

But today things have started well. I have done the body test , I have done some yoga and I have been for a walk (no running today) I have eaten my breakfast fairly slowly - but I am still hungry.

Having been right in my prediction that my BMI would be up today, I can understand why one of Paul's rules is not to weigh yourself more frequently than once every two weeks. To talk about your weight as if t was a fixed entity is a mistake. We have a core wieght about which we vary at any one by anything up to three pounds. But it is the core weight we need to reduce - and that onyl shows up over longer periods.

Having acheived my 13st and 13lbs goal I now need a new one. A BMI of 34 sounds good to me. Doesn't quite go into a mantra though does it!

There is no doubt I am doing better at moving my body than I am with sticking to Paul's golden rules. I am chuffed that I am getting into a routine with a morning walk. Even though it isn't very long (probably about a mile - I must try and check it out) its better than nothing. The main limitation is time. I know I can walk further but I dont have the time. What I cant do consistently is run.

Sharon the other day in your blog you expressed dissappointment that you had only run 6K instead of the planned 8. From my viewpoint, running 6K would be a HUGE acheivment. It is only disappnting from your viewpoint becasue your goal is to run further than that. I dnt know how long you have been running, but think back to when you started. Could you ever imagine running 8K and I know you have run much further than that.

I just wanted to hug you when I read what you wrote about hating what you saw in the lift mirror. I am sure your self image was skewed because you feel you are failing in your running. And you are not. You CAN run much further than other people can. I know you feel you have failed becasue you haven't run a marathon. Why did that become such an important goal? You are still you even if you never run marathon. Macey and Mat will still love you. And running 6K a day is still very good for you and your health.

Us ladies with body image problems can be very good at finding excuses for why things havent worked out the way we hoped. But we can also be very bad at recognising and celebrating real acheivment. And unless we DO recognise what we have acheived we wont be motivated to acheive anything else. Carrots work better than sticks on the whole.

Anyway I need to stop writing and start doing. Dissappointingly I am stil hungry so some toast will be on the menu in a bit. I am tired becasue I have had some lousy nights sleep lately. I haven been listenign to trance stuff and I think I need to get back obnto the habit. You can deduce I haven't carried through my plan to listen to Kelly Howell for 6 weeks!

Memo to self - must listen to something tonight - masybe Paul's weight loss track would be apprpraite since its the food side that isnt going too well

I've done it!!!

What have I done? read the blog and find out.......

Food was OK yesterday. I ate breakfast slowly, I did munch on a cereal bar just before I went into the dispensary. I ate lunch too fast. Lunch is always a problem because I have to try and decide in the morning what I will enjoy at lunchtime - and sometimes it changes. Dinner was a salad and I ate it slower than on previous days. Desert was fresh fruit and salad and ice cream. The only slight spoiler was some ginger biscuits. But on the whole not too bad.

I kept up with the startegy of taking every opportunity to walk round the dispensary to fetch files, take prescriptions to the labelling bench etc.

I picked up the new car - and the first porper trip in it was to pick up stuff for Jim to fit the new shower. Typical!!. Tonight will ne the first time I really test the difference between a 1.6 and 1.1 when I am coming home UP Mucklow Hill.

I didnt sleep well but I dont feel tired this morning. But I was awake quite early. And I decided I needed to make the outdoor excercise my first priority. So I changed my routine. Got up, fed the cats, had coffee, and w ent out for a walk/jog. I did the long route and I did 'scouts pace' )100 walking steps 100 jogging steps) from the back do to halfway round the lake. I walkled the rest of the way (including the long way round Corvedale). By 7.16 I was back ready to sort out breakfast and use the Wii fit.

Breakfast is ebing eaten slowly as I type this.

I didnt do much on the Wii fit - but I did coupeof muscle excercise and got good scores considering I was still recovering from the walk. My Wii fit age has gone up to 39 - but ads long as it is below 40 I'm happy.

And when I did the body test - for today at least - my weight was


13 st and 13 lbs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am braced for the fact that tomorrow it will be up again but that is SUCH a psychological boost.

I feel fantastic . Bring it on world. Whatever you are going to throw at me I can take it!!!

A nothing sort of day

I cant really think of an interesting title for the blog because yesterday was an OK day on the whole . nothing really good or bad.

Food went OK. I am still not eating as slowly as I would like - but I am slowing down again. One big imrorvment was NO BISCUITS!!!!

Lets go through the whole check list.

I ate what I wanted not what I thought I should I eat. So I had sugar on cereal and in coffee. Not a lot - just a bit

I ate consciously - but not slowly enough

I didnt stop before I was full tho. I must work on that

I sort of ate when I was hungry - but there is no dount work DOES get in the way of that a bit. It can be managed - but I am not doig it very well at the moment

I moved my body. Yes Wii fit and a walk

I drank water - lots

Did I send myself love? Well yes I think I managed than I have been doing. I feel better about myself

I cant remember the other items on the checklist. That shows it has been too long since I did it. I need to go back to basics.

One of the things Paul says is sometimes people complain the programme has stopped working. When they think about it - it means they are not following the programme

My mind is being concnebntrated on this by me decision to do a daily body AND an appointmnet that has just been made for me at my GP surgery for a BP check. I have a week to try and make a big step towards my goal weight since I know they will weigh me - and I want to know in my own mind I can convince them I dont need medication of any sort. I want to show I can make the lifestyle changes and dont need the medication.

The body test not much to my surrpise showed I had gone back up to the BMI I had on Sunday. It will be intetesrting to see what happens to the grapgh over the next 12 days. If I think I am beggining to obsess about the figures I will stop the daily tests.

I didnt sleep well last night and was late to bed becasue I ended up having to take Andy back to Pineapple Road after the game after Robert accidently took Andy's coat instead of his. And Andy's coat has has money AND his medication in it. So when Andy's taxi got to the hosue to pick him up his stuff was at Robs and I was just setting out to retrieve them. So we sent the taxi away. In then end it didnt take me that long to take him home and get back but I could have done without it

Anyway it is a wet grey day - but I am still going to throw some olf clothes on and go for a walk in the park. yesterday I broke into a job for part of it p and got remnded why big boobs dont go well with running!!!

New week new me

Well thats the idea anyway. I changed my priorities when I got up. So I turned the Wii fit on as soon as I had finished my kitchen chores. So I have done some yoga ,step plus and one muscle excercise.. I have also done another body test.

I have decided for a bit I will do a daily body test even though it is against Paul's ethos. I do get a kick out of seeing how my Wii fit age goes (down 2 years this morning!) goes. The test can also give me an idea of the sorts of excercises I need to concentrate on to keep fit. Plus I will be honest and say when I saw my BMI had dropped a bit from yesterday it was nice. I have a BMI of over 35 at the moment. It is well hidden because I am naturally well endowed up top. In act I sometimes think if I had a boob reduction I would lose at least 7 lbs and not look any different lol. But the bottom line is my BMI shows I have significant health risks that I cant ignore. Thats why I am trying to reduce it. I want to see if I do better when I am keeping closer track of how I am doing. I MUST et my BMI below 30.

Food yesterday wasnt brilliant. I ate alower but was I still in the clean plate club. However this morning I seem to have resigned from it. Breakfast was one weetabix with an orange and yoghurt. I have managed to leave some of it and certainly ate it slower than I have done for some time. But I know I will have to have something else to eat before I start in the dispensary

Yesterday I moved my body with the Wii fit and 20 minutes gardening at Steve's.

I drank a lot - you have to in this heat. It is cooler now thankfully but still a ong way from being cold. I am sitting here weaing only a baby doll nightie sweating.

I havent been sending myself much love recently I realise. I think I am so used to blogging it doesnt work like that any more. I dint hate myself - but I am kind of neutral and I think maybe that is something I need to work on.

I cant finish this entry without commenting on the fact that today would have been Mum's birthday. It is the first one since she died. I am sure Jane will e having a bad day today. I hope my late anniversary present to them (It was their 40th anniversary yesterday) will cheer her up.

Steve was in a negative mood yesterday . I pikced up on it and I ascibed it to his illness. It was Tony who later commented that he is undoubtedly missing Judy. No doubt we are both right and it is combination of the two.

I have to allow for the fact that my negative mood is due to my external stress points. Hopefully I will feel better once today is over.

A useful life lesson

Awareness through downshifting

Often our first reaction to a stressful situation is to overcompensate and overwork to overcome whatever it is. Sometimes though, the best thing you can do it step away, take a breath, and come back to tackle the problem with a clear head. Replacing important things in your life with work only causes anxiety to build up--not to mention that it takes the joy out of life. Vacation does not have to mean physically leaving your everyday life and jet setting to the beach. Whatever relaxes you, brings more clarity, or calms your mind during times of stress can certainly be enough to rejuvenate! When logic tells you to quicken your pace and pile on the extra work, yet your heart is reminding you of the meaningful time you are neglecting with family, friends, and yourself, it's time to slow down. Often letting off on the gas for a period of time can compose and refocus your mind.

This sparkpeople reflection could almost have been written personally for me the way I feel at the moment. I have a number of stress points at the moment and if I dont deal with them properly I will resort to comfort eating - or should that be even more comfort eating?

I listed the anniversaries I face this month. Add to that Edna (see other blog) also Steve is unwell again.

I didnt do any formal excercise yesterday. Food was OK ish but not brilliant. I seem to have forgotten how to eat really slowly and am unable to leave anything on my plate. And lets not talk about the biscuits. But compared with howe I sued to be I know I managed better

I think the problem is I am eating what is convenient rather than wat I really want, So I had a salad last night. Sauasge roll with lettuce coleslaw, cucumber, beetroot, and mustard pickle. It was nice. It certainly couldnt be construed as 'diet food' but just didnt quite inspire me. And I think that is why I couldnt really savour it and eat slowly.

So I need to think about that.

I also think I need to bet the Wii fit out again (not that it got put away!) I think a workut could be a god stress releiver as well as helping me keep active. I also think I need to face my fears and do a body test. If I am putting on weight I need to know sooner rather than later.

Oh dear I think Paul would despair of me with that atitude? And there was me telling Sharon not to define herslef by the figure on the scales? I think I need to take my own advice.


I also need to think abot the healthy reflection and work out how I can downshift.

On the plus side yesterday I made great steps forward with some isseus in the hosue. The coat hooks, toliet roll holder and towel rail are now up in the downstaors toilet and I have cleared the pile in front of the video shelves. I also got the flooring for the upstairs bathroom and the shower which is going to be fitted next week.

The pace may have slowed a bit but I am still moving forward.

Later

I took the plunge and used the wii fit. My body test was a mxiture of good and bag news. My Wii fit age is down to 39. whihc is -18 years. yay for me. My BMI was up very very slightly and although it said my wieght had increased it couldnt actually actually measure it. So I havent gained or lost. I've set my next goal at 7 lbs in 8 weeks. But as long as its actually a loss in 8 weeks I will be happy. I wont be happy if I've stood still again.

The year of first anniversaries

First anniversaries of events can be painful and I am approaching a run of them.

Tomorrow would have been Alan's birthday. Of course he wasnt with us last year - but that was they day we held a barbecue in his memory. Monday would have been Mum's birthday and on the 24th it will be the first aniversary of her death. I've been re-reading my blog entries and its upset me.

Maybe its just as well I have a lot to do to distract me.

It is stupidly early oclock for a Saturday but the cats dont know about weekends. However I am in bad with my laptop, and breakfast contemplating life the universe and everything.

Food went OK yesterday not brilliant but no major disasters. I may not be losing weight - but I'm not piling on the pounds -at least I hope not. Maybe I ought to do a Wiifit body test soon. I havent used the Wiifit for a few days, It has been far too hot to think about excercise in the evenings after work - but it is cooler now so I dont have that excuse. I am seriously thinking abiut going for a walk in a bit. It may be several degrees cooler than yesterday but the sky is blue and clear this morning and the park would be lovely.

And I have been moving my body at work, One day I must wear a step conter at work. Its amazing how easy it is to add extra steps to what I do at work. I am making a concious effort to keep moving. I ertainly spend a fair amount of time standing up at work and that uses more energy than just sitting. there is no way i could be described as 'sedentary' in this job.

I am feeling resentful that I never really get a weekend to just relax - but thats for the other blog because its part of the Edna dimension. But I have to go and get a shower for it to be fittted next week, and Martyn a friend we havent seen for ages is coming to see us today. I have a lot of things buzzing round in my head to do and I need to prioritisw them. I think the house needs to be my top priority at the moment. And house work is great excercise!!

As I hinted at the start of this entry my emotions are a big factor at the moment. I need to deal with my emotions. But above all I need to ackmowledge the emotions and recognise what they are trying to tell me.

its getting cooler

I know its cooler this morning - I actually feel hungry - bit not too hungry to eat slowly I am happy to say

Yesterday I drank a fruit smoothie for breakfast - and did go for a walk although a shorter walk than normal. I ate all my lunch but not really as slowly as I should done. Dinner was rice cakes with pate and cheese. I really wanst hungry. But during the evening an eccles cake, strawberrie sna dice cream and biscuits crept in. And I took a snack of cheese to biscuits to bed with me. I was hungry when I ate - but not massively so . It sounds bad bt really I was grazing - whihc is what Paul's programme encourages.

I still feel sluggish this morning and not quite right. I feel as if I have a mild summer cold. Eyes a bit heavy, a bit sniffy - nothing serious just not quite right. I dont think its flu - although I cant rule it out. They are predicting we could be seeing 100,000 cases a DAY by the end of August. That will make our current count of 5000 ish look pathetic. Personally I think that is a worst case scenario. It is worrying that this pandemic is not behaving as predicted. It should be worse in Australia in the grip of winter not Britain in the grip of a heatwve.

I am not sure why I dont feel right but I am sure fatigue is part of it. I am so glad it is Friday and I have two days off work to come. A year on from realising huge changes were inevitable it seems I still havent got it right. I cant go through life feeling this tired all the time. I havent even got the axcuse of running over to see Edna. I havent been over this week. But I will have to go over at the weekend of course. At least it will ve cooler thank goodness.

I need to revamp my wardrobe and get a couple of really cool summer dresses suitable for work. I am sure that is the part of the problem - all my work clothes make me feel so hot.I need to buy an outfit for Rachel and Tyler's wedding. Maybe I should have a bit of a spurge and treat myself to a coupele of new outfits.

I am having huge problems motivating myself to do anything this morning. Its grey and damp outside so I am not sure about a walk. I am not sure I have the energy for any sort of excercise - but I feel I have to try and do something.

Dealing with the heat

I'm not dealing with the heat any better than I've been dealing with emotion lately. At the department at work does have some air conditioning but its not up to american standards.

The heat stops me sleeping, takes away my appetite, and makes me very crabby. As I found out yesterday it also makes me very sensitive. there was a tricky prescription to deal with just before lunch. I called it the only way I could having discovered the consultant who wrote it a few days ago was on leave and had no designated cover. Then when they gave it out to the parent (it was for a child) it got bounnced back with the comment from the senior technician ' the child hasnt had any medicine for three weeks so hurry up' Like it was MY fault they hadn't had any. I was probably misreading Debbie's attitude but I felt as if she was criticising me for my decision and unfairly expecting me to have knowledge of the situation which I couldnt have. Anyway the end result was a banana muffin that I didnt need as part of my lunch that wasnt eaten slowly enough.

I didnt do any excercise yesterday. Didnt go for a walk didnt use the wii fit. I will do something this morning though.

I feel very tired and sluggish this morning. My guts dont feel right I am verging on needing the movical again but I think that is heat rather than my IBS.

Steve popped across yesterday evening to grab some paracetamol as he isnt feeling well and thinks he may have a chest infection. And he hasnt registered with a local GP yet. Another young freind of ours has a chest infection and I inevitably I am wondering swine flu - except Steve hasnt had any other systems to date. Thank goodness he is now only 20 seconds away from us. If he is ill I can get there quickly.

At least I got my car sorted out yesterday. I finalise the details today and pick it up at the weekeknd. I must make sure my cash in the right place today. Thank goodness for internt banking!!

I am sitting here feeling fat today. I may not eat much in the eat but what I want is unhealthy. My fruit and veg intake was way down yesterday - although I did have fresh fruit salad as part of my lunch and had a banana yesterday evening. But quiche and pork pie are not healthy options along with bread and butter.

I dont really feel like eating this morning - but I am slightly hungry. I think I need a walk before I do anything else today.

Just spotted this which I think contains an important message for me and Sharon

our smallest actions add up to something big

Everything you do makes a difference. Even if you're not on the front lines leading the effort, you have a contribution to make. Without your contribution, no matter how small, so many other things would never happen. The world needs what you have to offer. You have no idea how the simplest of your everyday actions can effect your child, and even people you've never met. Chances are, you'll never know. But if you're looking for a purpose to work toward, all you need is the desire and the right perspective. Define yourself as your task, and that's all you'll ever be. Define yourself as your contribution to your family, and suddenly you're a very important part of a bigger picture. The biggest pictures are the ones where there's room for everyone to be seen.

Dealing with emotion

Ignoring emotion is a sure way to let the emotion take over your life. Thats why talking things through is such a useful thing. It enables you to deal with the issue. So I need to deal with the issue of Tony's nephew.

I saw he had updated his FB status - ot was nothing in particular but it showed he had been n FB - and he hadn't re[pled to my message. So I sent him anothermessage that basically said until the issue of the money was resolved he and Emma were not welcome at ours. I also told him to grow up. No wthat DID get a response - a tirade at me. So he and Emma are off my FB friends list and Tony has replied on my behalf. Sadly he has also reported Emma to the benefit fraud hotline since we are sure she is still claiming single parent benefit despite the fact that Steve is living with her. In fact as Steve has a job she isnt entitled to ANY benefits.

I dont feel happy about any of this but I am not going to be a doormat. I dont expect to get the money back. I dont really NEED the money back - but I am not going to be used. In fact if by some chance I do get the money back I will probably donate it to charity. I just want Steve to stop hurtng his family.

When I went for a walk yetsreday I wore a pair of shorts I hadn't worn for some time that always used to be quite tight. they are not tight any more. So even though food did not go brilliantly yetserday I still feel good about myself. I have lost weight.

What d I mean by food not going brilliantly? It means I didnt eat as slowly as I would have liked but I managed to avoid any bingeing. I am still eating too many biscuits but crips have been off the menu for a long time . But even my numbers of biscuits is down. And once choclate bars were onthe menu every day. Now they are a rare treat.

I no longer eat unless I am hungry. Sadly work makes eating when I am hungry tricky but if circumstances force me to have a lunch break before I am truly hungry I will only eat half my lunch. And my lunches are a lot smaller than they used to be. Excercixe is now part of my daily routine.

I have been blogging for a year. When I think about where I was a year ago I am pleased. I have lost a bit weight - but the big acheivment is that I havent put wirght on in an emotional eating binge.

I am not quite where I intended to be when I started blogging, but I have moved towards where I want to be - and discovered lots of things about myself on the way.

I have also discovered a new friend. Thank you Sharon for your support.

Blogging itelf is incredibly helpful so although I have survived the major chnages I faced a year ago, my life is still very fluid. So this blog will go on.