Restoring normality (whatever normality is)

Well I'm up at normal time, I've breakfasted slowly and conciosuly, I'm about to go and make my lunch. I' planning a whole day day at work (maybe even until 5.30 which will be the latest I've done so far!) .

I spent a quiet 20 inutes in bed without the radio on, praying and doing visualisation or trying to do visualisation.

I am making a morning entry in the blog, having spent some time on e-mails and other internet stuff (Facebook is adictive!)

I think I am getting back to normal. We'll see how it goes and I will rpeort back in tonights entry

Restoring manual control?

I suppose an entry every other day isn't too bad at the moment. I went to work today - although I didn't stay all day. I decided today wold be a good day to take the half day I am owed from working the other Saturday. I managed OK at work bt was glad to leave when I did, I got paid today -good news - but ther think I am still off sick - so they put me down to half pay with SSP. So my money was over 500.00 short. I have managed to sort it out and I will get the money I am owed on Tuesday - but it dod feel rather as if someone is getting great pleasure out of crapping on me from a great height .

However I am now determined that I am NOT going to take more than 5 days during my current problems and I AM going to work full hours - even if it means I have ti use the car every day.

Food hasn't been totally out of control - but I haven't really binged so I feel I am doing well under the circumstances. I am NOT superwoman - and I am NOT going to critcise myself.

I really am feeling better today, and I do now beleive (as opposed to know intellectually) that I will survive all this sane

On autopilot

I didn't even make an entry yesterday. I don't have anything specifically to say at the moment except that everything is still crap and I still feel numb. I'm going down to Wycombe today to help out and I'm dreading it. But I'm moving on autopilot

Yesterday I was autopilot for eating too whihc is hardly suprising, but today I am going to try to stick to the 4 rules.

I have got to feel I have control over some part of my life (food), even if most of the rest is in total chaos. If Iwas anorexic that last statement would be very worrying since all anorexics starve themselves because they want control over something. Maybe I should be worried that I feel like that. I know mentally I'm not at my best at the moment (understatemnet of the year? decade?) and I don't need unresolved mental health problems on top of everything else.

Moving forward

I've spent time thinking today about how bloody awful this year has been. I just want to wipe it out and forget it - but I know I can't. So they only way I can cope with all the bad stuff sthat has happened is to try and get some good stuff out of the experiences. That will take time.

Intellectually I know one day I will look back at this and say 'Yes it was awful - but I survived it and came out the other end sane' At te moment I can't imagine how I am going to do that. I think I need to find 'Care of the Soul' an dip into that. My soul needs something at the moment - but I'm not sure what.

People ask me 'how are you' and I say 'Doing as well as can be expected under the circumstances' Actually considering the circumstances I think I'm doing very well indeed. But I still feel very detached from everything. When that ends , then I think I'm in for a very rough time - and maybe thats what I'm scared of.

Mike is here today - and is very kindly providing a meal for us tonight. He has brought the ingredients and will do the cooking. I was really touched by that. I think its more a thank you for all the meals he's had here over the weeks, but tts nice he chose to do it this weekend when its obvious I'm not going to be at my best.

I feel so lucky to have so many good friends supporting me, who can accept that I don't feel like talking or doing much at the moment

A long day

This day seems to have lasted for ever I was up so early. As per normal Jane and Bob are mega organized . They've already thoought about the funeral, does Steve want to help carry the coffin (he doesn't) flowers and a suitable charity for non family members (Mum's beloved Donkey Sanctuary) I've even been told details of her bequests. I sense that Jane is coping by burying herself in activity and lists and orgaization.

My hardest moment today was ringing the home to thank them for the way they looked after Mum. When I saw her last week she was at such pains to tell me how happy she was at Hazlemere Lodge and I wanted the staff to know. I didn't know the woman I spoke to - but she knew Mum and said what a wonderful person she was.

She could be when she wanted - but she could be very manipulative at times. That wasa side she didn't show to the staff at the Lodge.

I've tried to imagine the funeral and can't without my stomach knotting up. I can't begin to imagine how I will get through it

I am tired, numb, have a stinking headache, can't concentrate on anything, and feel generally shitty. I am bad tempered, and lousy company. But what do I expect?

On the plus side it seems I am going to get a good legacy. I didn't know Mum had much money but the boys all get 1000.00 (verbal bequest according to Bob who I presume is executor) and he casually said there was 20.000 in one account which would come to me!! I may have misunderstood and it has to be split between Jane and I but at the very least I will get 10,000 which will pay off a lot of debts, and that isn't all her money.

I have contacted work to let them know. I am entitled to 5 days compassionate leave. I don't know what to do about work really. I wasn't myself before all this happened. I am worried I clould be an accident looking for somewhere to happen at the moment. But I may feel better once I have ad some sleep. I hate to do it, but I will have to use Zopiclone for a day or two

RIP Mum

Its stupidly early o'clock but I can't sleep. I was due to go down to see Mum today to help Jane but she died yesterday evening. I expected it, and it is to an extent a releif. But I am very worried about how Jane will cope. I am also worried about me. I am numb. I haven't really cried and I know that isn't normal. Its all too soon after Alan's death and all the grief that caused. I am dreading the funeral. I don't think Steve ought to go to Mum's funeral. He didn't know her that well, and I am worried about it stirring up memeories of Alan's funeral and stirring up emotions he isn't ready to deal with. But I am positive he will want to come to support me.

I don't know what to do about that. I also don't know what I ought to do about work. I don't know if I am capable of working or not. A lot will deend on how well I sleep. I wouldn't be fit today thats for sure but I must tell work what has happened today.

An addicition???

Blogger was down last night when I went to post. I really missed it and I'm glad its back this morning. Tis bloging lark is definitely addicitive. Imnd you if it IS, then would be a likely sufferer as I do like writing.

Anyway yesterday didn't do as badly as it could have done - but definitely wasn't a shining success. The gnawing hunger of yesterday morning did abate, but I couldn't resist some comfort eating, although I did eat everything conciously. It really has been a long time since I ate anything quickly - even a biscuit. Overall my consumtion of biscuits is still WAY done, I haven't eaten crisps for days, and haven't treated myself to a choclate bar for weeks. The days when I could buy a triple Bounty bar and eat all three while waiting for the bus to Selly Oak have totally gone. My portion sizes are still smaller than they used to be so taken as a whole I am still doing OK. Yesterday was a blip. Certainly today I am NOT feeling hungry yet so haven't eaten anyhting desite the fact that I really want some Ibuprofen and won't take them on an empty stomach. I need to time my Ibuproefen to when I have eaten - not eat soemthing becasue I need Ibuprofen as I did last night.

Talking of Ibuprofen, I am needing more painkillers. Yesterday I was starting to get marked twinges in my back, so I left about 4.00. I decided not to risk twinges becoming shooting pains. I had to take painkillers at work as well. First time I've had to that for a long time.

So how did I do with dealing with yesterdays list of stresses? Well I contacted every friend who is spiritual in any way and aksed for prayers for Mum and Jane. This meant Denise and I are back in contact and I now have her e-mail address. She had lost my new mobile number and didn't recognise my number when I texted her. She was genuinely pleased to learn it was me contacting her. I dodn't hear anything from Jane yesterday so I suppose no news is good news.

Today Steve and I are going to take the next steps to securing his estate - sending leters of administration to the many and varios people who need them. That will be a wieght off my mind. If things go well with lloyds today he may even get access to 20,000 in which case I may suddenly no longer have an overdraft. I know his priority will be to pay me what he owes me.

This morning I am going to draft loads of letters for him so all he has to do is approve them, print them off and sign them. He has no idea how to word a formal letter. I will do it THIS time then he will learn so next time he can do it himself. Unless he formally asks me to look after that side of things for him - be a sort of secretary. Bottom line is he is only 19 and a student. He doesn't have the time or the experience to do a lot of the stuff he needs to do in relation to the house. But I must resist the tempation to become an interfering mother , and I must resist coddling him. In the end its his house, his business and I don't to force him to involve us (me and Tony) in the business. I think he wants us involved - but our roles need to be defined the way HE wants.

I am really looking forward to this break from work. I don't go back until Monday. My back will be glad of the rest. I am looking forward to re;axing, doig what I want , and really looking forward to going over to Rachel's tonight :-)

Doh!!!!

Tiredeness has been a big factor over the past few days, and I haven't been sleeping well. So last night I decided to take a zopiclone 3.75mg. I woke ( as I thought) jist before 7 (the time I'd set the alarm) so got up and did all the usuual things. It wasn't until I sat down with thre my breakfast (I was VERY hungry) and turned on the TV that I realised it was only just past 6.00. As Homer Simpson would say Doh!!!

I am hungrier this morning than I have been for some time, and its hit a lot earlier. Normally at 6 I'd be thirsty but not yet ready for breakfast. It is a real effort of will to eat slowly as well. Something isn't right this morning. It could be my body's reactio to yesterdays lapses, I suppose it could be due to the zopiclone, it could also be an emotional reaction to the unpleasant dream I had just before waking. I need to be very careful with food today and really go back to basics to re-estanlish my control of food. I am NOT going to let it manage me. I think the key is water and lots of it. Sadly I think I'll be needing lots of it to wash down analgesics today :-(

I've just swigged down my morning cocktal (2 paracetamol, 1 Ibuprofen, and 1 lansoprazole to prevent the heartburn caused by the Ibuprofen) with a mug fall of water. I am determined I am not going to eat anything else for at least an hour. This isn't real hunger; its that nervous hunger I thought I had got rid of. Why is it back?

This is a real blow - but maybe its a good think becasue I was beggining to get complacent - as yesterday's lapses showed. I haven't listend to the tape for days. I have plenty of time this morning before I go to work. Maybe I should use half an hour it for that? Or maybe I need to work out what has triggerred this very emotional response and decide what i am going to do about the situation to correct it.

So what is making me worried at the moment?

1) Mum - about which I can do nothing except pray.
2) Finances. Now this is one I can do something about by actually making sure I know exactly what my outgoings are and what my disposable income actually is. I need to stop being a coward.
3) The result of the meeting about my future at work. What is the absolute worse case scenario? I take early retirment, and leave the hospital completely . I'm not going to be without work because locums are still needed. I am not going to be toally reliant on a pension. I am caable of working as a pharmacist for at least 30 hours a week . I guess in a snall dispensary based job, as long as I could sit down, I would manage full time. So I am not going to be in a situation where I cannot get work. If I retire I will have 3 months to sort out new employment anyway.
4) Edna. Clearly I need to spend more time with her. But it can be at a time when Tony is in bed so it doesn't eat into family time.

Obvously my brain has been working on this already so my original Mclenna training still works.

I AM IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE - EVENTS ARE NOT IN CONTROL OF ME. THERE IS NO NEED FOR COMFORT EATING

Making this entry has been therapeutic - and if I hadn't mistaken the time I wouldn't have had the time to make it. Things do happen for a reason.

Comfort eating

Oh dear - I should never have mentioned comfort eating this morning. Today I indulged in comfort eating. Choclates in the dispensary and biscuits when I got home. But its the first time since I started this blog I've really slipped.

I'm tired, worried about Mum and Edna, wondering what options UHB will be willing to offer me about employmen, worried what I will do if I can't work at UHB, wondering what our finances will be like once I leave UHB, AARRRGGGHH.

I did take some quiet time today, did try some visualisations but I really can't concentrate at the moment.

All in all not a great day. Lets hope tommorrow will be better.

Coping with stress

I started this as a means to track my progress on Paul McKenna's weight loss programme because I had already tried , and failed, using the 90 day success journal. But as an inveterate comfort eater, changing my response to stress is a key part of tackling my weight problem. So using this to record stresses , and my response to them, IS part of this. In fact recording the stressful areas may well help me cope with them.

I was very tired yesterday. I didn't mange to stay at work until the end of the day - although luckily it was quiet so I din't need to. I've been given a second ward to do and thats OK but at the moment I feel that is definitely my limit. I did take my 15 minutes out to meditate. It didn't go well but at least I tried. All minor sources of stress. The major source of stress is my mother who not onyl hasn't improved on antibiotics, but has had a fall and banged her head. She isn't eating or drinking. If that doesn't change then she will need a drip and at that point she will have to be admitted to hospital. At least travel by train is practical if she is in Wycombe so the inevitable trip down won't be quite as tiring.Also Edna is still having problems with her breathing and she doesn't want to bother the doctor. However I've laid down the law - or tired to, I may have to rope Steve in on this.

Food went OK yesterday. I realise it has been days since I felt the persistent nervous hunger I recorded in earlier entries. I was given a choclate bar and I ate is slowly, conciously and with great pleasure. I found dinner quite satisfying as well.

I think I'm on top of the food angle but the excesise part isn't going as well. I did walk to work yesterdat but this morning it is out of question. One reason I left work before the end of the day was that I was getting definite twinges in my back I need to pace myself so its back to the car today.

This morning I tried to do some viusalisations but it didn't go well because I am tired and worried. Not exactly surpising. However the fact that I can recognise my reactions to my current situation are natural is an improvment on how I would have felt in earlier times. I do think positively about myself these days. So I think I do cope with stress much better than I did. When I wrote the title of this entry I didn't realise that - which proves how useful this blog is for me.

That Monday morning feeling

The day has started well. I woke early and managed to do some positive visualtion excercises. I imagined myself slimmer, I imagined how my day was going to go at work, I did the 'inner smile' excecise . My mind wandered a bit becasue I was still sleepy but I did it.

I got up sorted out my lnch and did myself breakfast (2 small wheat biscuits and a kiwi fruit with milk and sugar) I looked at the bowl and thught ' That looks too much' 15 minutes later I am full and I've only eaten about half of the breakfast. So I will package up the remainder to have as a mid-morning snack at work. In this day and age of rising food prices, wasting food is NOT an option.

I think I am going to manage to walk to work, but I will get the bus home. Memo to self I MUST get organised to try cycling. Its only 2 miles to Selly Oak Hospital - it should be a doddle.

Whne I get to work I must finish my e-mail to Dee (my union rep) explaining my situation. Finshing that and posing the questions I want answers to will help me focus on what I really want out of this situation.

During the day I must try to take 15 minutes for meditation/visualisations/prayer.

Clearly yesterday has energised my mind if not my body (although even that isn't too bad as I'm planning on ditching the car) Here's to having a good day.

Sunday a day of rest

Ha ha - it would have been nice if it WAS a day of rest but it ended up busier than I wanted. I rang Edna this morning to say I wasn't going to go over - but when she answered the phone she sounded so poorly I changed my mind and said I'd go over in the afternoon . I left at 1.00 and got back about 3.45. She was a lot better than she had been thankfully. She was well enough to talk for qite a long time anyway!

Apart from that it hasn't been a bad day. A lie in ,a chance to use the X-box, a chance to watch some TV and a bath.

I still feel really tired. I don;t feel as if I've had a real break at all so I am dreading going to work tomorrow. If I dodn;t already have Thursday and Friday booked off I'd be booking some leave first thing anyway. My stamina is still quite low, and I still have grave doubts about my ability to work a 37 1/2 hour week.

On the food front things have gone really well. I ate what I wanted when I wanted it, ate slowly, and stoped when I was full. My dinner portion was msh smaller than normal and I couldn't eat it all. I still feel full now 4 hours later. Edna asked if I'd lost weight - and she didn't know I was trying to lose any so aLl the signs are that I am geting thinner - which is good. I still clearly need to work onthe stamina as I don't feel full of energy - but that will proably come when I have less stress. I really enjoyed my porridge with sugar this morning. Ditching the artificial sweetener powder still feels like a good move. And I onyl ate about ha;f the amount I ormally would have done.

That Paul Mckenna guy really HAS messed with my head. i just can't as much as I used to.

Anyway I need to et soe sleep as I have to get up for work tommorow. I am debating whether to walk, use the car or use the bus. I'll decide in the morning.

Positive reflections

Well I'll try to be positive. Things could have gone al ot worse today than they did. Work was OK, Food has gone OK - no binges, no huge meals, and I've mianly had healthy food. I looked at yself in the mirror today and liked what I saw. I do think I look better (and thinner) than I did. But I am too tired to really be psoitive about anything.

Hopefully a good nights sleep will give me a new perspective

Saturday musings

I am tired. Fact. I would give a lot not t have to go to work today but there is no use crying over spilt milk. I would have been too tired to be good company at Darren's wedding, even if Tony had felt like going. I suspect I wouldn't have gone to the gender balance meeting either - but then I didn't plan for the trip to Wycombe when I signed up for that.

This mronign blog is seful to focus my thoughts on what needs to be done and what my priorities are. This weekend my priority is to relax. I know Monday morning will be here al too soon. I think Stephen (wh is coming over today) may find he has less time on the X-Box than normal as I intend to get in some serious time on Lost oddyssey. He'll survive!

I have noticed that I do automatically think about how my relationship with food is changing. One big thing I have noticed is that I no longer autmatically do myself some breakfast when I get up. If I'm not hungry I do other things (like this blog, or the washing up) first. Before I would always do breakfast first thing because I know its important to have breakfast. I haven't yet not felt hungry at all before I have to go out.

I have spent a lot more time thinking about my ideal job, and I am sure that teaching in some way (whether its teaching patients ,nurses,doctors or colleagues in the department) is part of it. I ennoy communicating. I am GOOD at communicating. But I have to beleive in what I am saying. I know I have to be clear about what I want when I go into the meeting with Emily and HR. They can't help me if I don't help them by being clear about my needs.

I also need to think long and hard about travel to work.For health finincail and environmrntal reasons I must set a limit to the days I use the car, and stick to it. I really would like to make use of my bike but I need more confidence - and some safety equipment. So I need to find some time to practice -once I can rescue the bike from the garage!

15 minutes of peace

I kept my romise to myself and took 15 minutes to sit in peace in the chapel and meditate/pray/focus on the future. I don't think I got any definite answers - but I felt better taking the time out. I've heard from Jane and Mumis going to start on antibiotics tommorrow for a presumed UTI. If it IS a UTI then they were slow to spot it and act.

I managed to stay at work till 4,30and I only left then becasue there was no work to be done. Next week I have said I will work full days. I wonder how I will cope. But I do have 2 days off to hel Steve sort out some legal issues with the estate.

Food is going OK. I still think I am eating too fast - but I am NOT comfort eating. If I'm not hungry I don't eat. Mt consumtoion of biscuits and crisp has plummetted. As long as I am eating a healthier diet, getting some excercise, and eating smaller meals than I used to I mst be on the right lines however fast I eat. And I am eating slower than I used to.

The programme is all about changing your relationship with food. I feel I am succeeding in that.

I did get one definite idea dring my 15 minutes , I want to do what I enjoy and am good at - and that means a job that gives me lots of communication chances. I must contact John Marriot again about lecture opportnities at Aston

The morning after the day before

Last night I was surprised by te fact that I was knackered - but didn't feel the total exhaustion I have felt after previous visits to Mum. I optimistiaclly thought I ight even leave the car behind today. This morning I have radically revised this view. I am TIRED and getting though a day at work is going to be challenging. But its a challenge I am up to. However not using the car is not an option. Even the bus isn't an option as the walk through the park on the way home would be too daunting. Anyway the weather forecast is appalling and I don't fancy getting soaked.

I have decided I need to set myself specific goals each day for positive action. I probably ought to do Paul's 'negativity fast' for the next week and I will try.

So today my goal is to make time for meditation,visualization,prayer whatever. I am going to MAKE time to focus on what I want to acheive and find ways to acheive it. 15 minutes out of a day sholdlnt' be too difficult to find. I will go to the chapel during my lunch break.

Aftermath

Well I'm back, knackered after driving 184 miles . I am distinctly upset by Mum's state, but in a strange way I am comforted by the feeling that Mum is accepting of what I feel is her inevitable fate in the near future.

She has deteriorated a lot since I last saw her. She slept for about the first hour I was there, and after lunch it was clear she was ready for another sleep. She said she thought about asking me to cancel going down, but in the end didn't. I would have gone down anyway - and I told her so. She asked me what I thought was going on with her, whihc I found incredibly to answer. I said her age was a factor, but that she was probably more sensitive to the morphine tablets than she used to be. This is probably true since her liver a kidneys will not be metabolising it as well as they should, and she is probably slowly accumulating it in her body.I am so glad I found something true I could say to her. Jane has just been on the phone to me, and apparently the home think Mum may have a UTI. That could explain why she is so poorly - but I don't quite buy it. If she has got a UTI she has had it since her birthday 2 weeks ago whihc is when the home first noticed she was worse. I do hope I am wrong. Jane asked if we should get the GP to review her meds. I did actually point out that there comes a time when you can't tinker any more. Intellectually I know Jane accepts that Mum may not live much longer, but in her heart she doesn't beleive it.


I predicted to Tony that within a month I will get a call telling me Mum has passed away. Am I being overly dramatic in feeling that? In a months time ( 17th August - just after Tony's birthday) am I going to look back at this entry and think what pretentious twaddle I wrote? I realy hope so,

Getting metaphysical

I have spent a lot of this morning wondering about how Mum will be, and looking for the strength and ability to cope with what I suspect is going to be a difficult day. Inevitably I ave looked to my spiriual resources such as they are. I realise I started this 2 days ago when I wrote in the prayer request book in the chapel at work. My request to Tammy and Rachel that they include Mum in their prayers was of course also a request for help for me.

I have realised this morning that I can't tackle any of the issues that worry me, without looking at the spiritual dimension. Essentially I can't change my external circumstances without changing me as well. This goes to the heart of 'Change your life in 7 days' which is about changing the way you perceive things. And the key is knowing who you really are. This is at the core of all the major religions. Until you know yourself, you cannot be true to yourself. And you cannot be truly happy unless you ARE being true to yourself Do I really 'know' myself yet?

I don't know - but I suspect I am on a journey where I will find out. Getting mastery over food is as much a part of this journey as deep philosophical meditation. One reason why I am dreading today's visit is that I feel Mum implanted my negative self image by always worrying so much about my weight. They say the best compliment you can pay your mother is to want to be just like her. I cannot imagine anything worse. I feel my Mum, and Edna, both made fundamental mistakes that I in no way wanted to repeat with Steve. It doesn't mean I don't love Mum, but it makes me wonder if I've been as good and caring a daughter as I should have been.

Lets be honest I feel guilty. I feel guilty I haven't kept in touch with Mum more, I feel guilty Jane has shouldered the burden of caring for Mum, I feel guilty that Jane and I are not close, that I've drifted out of contact with my nephews. I don't really feel part of the family any more and its my fault................or is it? Is ths just my poor self image surfacing?

I am going to feel a proper fool if this visit goes well, and Mum goes on to get a telegram from the Queen on her 100th birthday. But I clearly need to confront these isses whatever happens. And unless I DO confront these issues, I'm not going to deal with the more superficial issues like my weight and decding about my future job. Or am I just taking psychobabble and trying to sound wise?

It is so sad that all I can think is in 6 hours time I should be on my my way back home. I hate myself sometimes.

Still making progress

I'm going to start with Pauls checklist today
I haven't listed to the tape for some days now
I ate when I was hungry
I ate conciously
I ate what I wanted
I stoped when I was full
I didn't move my body as much as I would have liked
I have drunk water
I liked what I saw in the mirror

I didn't pig out on the chocolates, I resisted the cookies in the dispensary and I couldn't finsh my chips tonight at dinner.

At work I was able to provide help to some f the juniors, and I've told Bindi I feel I can cope with another ward next week. I know I was useful in the dispensary and I've got a lot more confidence with the dispensary procedures.

I should be feeling good - butI am down because I am dreading my visit to Mum tommorrow. I am so worried about Mum. I almost feel as if she is waiting to see me, then she will die. I have even thought that it is possible she will diie while I am there. How ridiculous is that. How self centered of me.

I am also worried that the drive down and back will tire me out - and I am worried how I will cope with work on Friday and then Saturday morning.

Progress!!!!

Today I got a compliment. A friend walked up behind me, and said ' Have you lost weight Sally?' I felt great. If other people think I have lost weight, then I am looking good. Whether I have lost weight or not it meeans I am projecting a good image. Something is working.

I am trying to follow Paul's rules - but I know I don't stick to them all the time. I still probably eat too fast, but I am eating what I want, when I am hungry, and I know I am not eating as much as I used to. The pizza experience on Sunday proved that. I am 'moving my body' more than I have done simply by being at work.

But I am still trying, I haven't given up. I recon that is worth something.

I am becoming convinced my best option workwise is to retire, and probably leave the NHS. I don't think there is going to be enough flexibility in the system for me to stay on terms that I like. Following yesterays meeting Emily wants to set up a meeting with HR when I can take a rep with me. So I have contacted my union rep. I want a discussion with her before the meeting. I need to be clear what is available and what I want.

A definite down

I din't even post yesterday becasue I didn't get the time before I went ot bed to post, so 'm doing this early in the morning. I didn't get tie to post because it was Monday and we had the game, ad I starte feeling poorly so went o to bed as soon as I had taken Robert home. I still don't feel right now;last night I felt I was in the early stages of a cold. This morning I stll feel a bit like that but my pain rpoblem is I am so stiff and creaky and my back really hurts. I don't know whether to go to work or not.

I thought I did well at work yesterady because I worked until 4.30, and I didn't use the car.I'm now wondering if I pushed my limits again. Maybe using the car would have been more sensible. I certainly intend to use the car today if I go.

On the food front things are not too bad. I had a revelatio on Sunday when we honed in for a pizza. I could only manage 4 clices when normally I would eaten all 6, and chips with gusto. My appetite is smaller than it was - or I am listening more to the signals it is sending me more. We ate 1 portion of chips and 1 xl pizza between three adults. Yesterday I was unable to resist some mini mufins, but on the plus side this morning I am sitting here drinking coffee but not eating because I am not hungry. hats probably yttr ebiggest change since I strated Paul's programme. I no longer autmatically do myself a bowl of cerela when make my coffee.

Anyway I need to try and get myself movingand see if I can get to work.

More worries

I am worried about my Mum. She is 92 and lives in a care home 100 miles away. I rang her today and she sou ded very frail and ill, so I've decided I ned to go down and see her. i have the aweful feeling that if I don't go soon it will be too late.

Although I have made some acheivments today with positive thinking, I've not really stuck to the golden rules of the weight loss programme. I am comfort eating.

I am also concerned that for 2 pins, I would phone in sick tommorrow and not go to work. I really don't feel like it. I don't know if its worry about Mum or because I am tired as I haven't been sleeping well lately but it is going to be a monumental effort to get into work tommorrow.

I think I have to say that tommorrow is a new day and a new start and that I will forgive myself for this lapse and try to do better tommorrow.

Is anyone reading this apart from me? Please comment if you are - I'd welcome all feedback and encouragment at the momen

End of the day

Its now 10.30pm, and I've had a busy day. Got my hair done, been to see Edna and doe some shopping. Dinner and a glass of red wine and I am tired and ready for bed.

I've also started re-wroing thought the 'Change your lif ein 7 days' progamme. i've started by writing out what I would see if a magic wand was waved and everything was as I wanted it. I need to focus my efforts on deciding what I want, then concentrate on how I am going to get it.

I haven't binged - but I haven't stuck to the golden rules today - excpet I have eaten conciosuly and slowly - even the huge peice of cake Edna cut for me without asking! My dinner portion was small too - but I have felt hungry quite a lot and have been 'grazing'.

I am yawning and can hadly keep my eyes open so I am going to bed

Time to review

Its 7.00 am on Saturday morning and no-ne should be up so I'm not. I got up at 6.30 fed the cats, made myself a coffee (but no reakfast becasue I wasn't hungry) grabbed the laptop and came back to bed.

Paul encourages a reviw every 2 weeks in his 90 day journal, so thats what I'm going to do. I've just re-read all my previous entries. I see that I twice thought I had passed the tipping point for eating slowly. That bit of the prgramme really is beggining to stick. And if I'm honest its the bit I know I needed to work on. I have always eaten fast. Its the bit Tony noticed most that I didn't do so doing it is a psoitve sign to him that I am sticking with programme.

A lot of people may write off Paul's programe as mumbo-jumbo. I'm a long way from being convinced by the TFT tspping excercise to reduce cravings to be honest. It has been given less than enthusiastuc reviews in scientific/medical journals. But as a pharmacist I know the rules for good nutrtion and weight loss. The ony way to lose weight and keep it off is to change your eating patters sp you eat healthier food in a healthier way. Also years ago it was discovered that you would lose weight without cuttng down on food intake if you just spread it out through the day in several small meals rater than 3 larger ones. So scientifically I know that if you follow Paul's programme you will lose weight. The trance track is to get you in the correct frame of mind to stick to it as are all the visualization techniques.

Also since I first embarked on weight oss programmes ( way back in the 1960's when Mum started worrying about my weight) so much more has been learnt about healthy eating. The very first diet Mum put me on was low carb way before the Atkins diet was even thougt of. I've seen the F plan diet come and go, and even used meal replacments (Limmits) 30 years or more ago. To be honest when I was young I didn't have a problem with my weight - Mum did. So I always thought of myself as fat . Its no great surrpise that I ended up fat really. I wasn't fat when I was at home. It really started when I left home becasue I had no idea about healthy eating becasue I was fed up of being on diets. Its a good job my Mum will never read this but she laid the foundations of my weight problem. However I am responsible for the food I have put in my mouth since I left home, so its not her fault - its mine. My failure to lose weight over the years stems from too many crisps and biscuits, too much alcohol possibly at one point, and a poor self image which saw me as 'fat' and meant comfort eating was always a possibility.

Now however my goal is NOT weaight loss - its good health - whch I can 'visualise' very clearly. The wieght loss will be an added bonus

I do actually eat a relatively healthy diet since my BP was went up. Pies and pastry generally figure far less than they used to, ready meals are a rarity, I cook more with fresh ingredients, and I eat fresh fruit. I've even excercised more since I first became an official cardiovascular patient. When I think of what my luncjes used to be at work I shudder. I often clouldn't be bothered to make a lunch or would rebel against the croispberads I though I should take, and would head for the coffee shop. Sandwiches sausage roll and a huge muffin was my favourite. Now with Paul's programe I understand why I rebelled against the crispbreads, but also I couldn't manage the sandwich sausage roll and muffin.

I think the key to me getting healthy (and losing weight) is dealing with the emotonal side and stopping the comfort eating, and keeping up the walking.

I am still not maing much progress with making decisions about my job - but that isn't surprising since managment are not really asking me anythign yet. Its too soon. But O do need to be clear about what I want when I do see them - and that measn I need to have confidence that my decison will not leave the family finincially worse off. I am certain I want to take retirment - but a lot depends on what my options are at UHB. I am regaining the confidence in my ability to work as a pharmacist, and I think that away form the NHS I would be under a lot less stress. I feel that stress is a key factor reposnsible for my lack of energy so far. I need to work on my stress capacity maybe? Need to remember to relax properly maybe?

Memo to self. I must get 'Change your life in 7 days' back from Martin.

Today could have been worse

but could also have been better. I walked to work (good) and had the good intentio of trying to work until 5 ish. (good) However at work I had to deal with changing syringes in 2222 boxes because of possible faulty syringes (bad) and then mid-morning I found out that I may be on graded return to work but I still have to work Saturdays - 19th July to be precise. However since it suits THEM for me to work at SOH thats where I will do it. Otherwise I think they would have expected me to go QE. This left me feeling that managment have little understanding of or sympathy for me situation. (very bad)

Clnically I coped OK . I managed my one ward and the dispensary OK. But psycholigically I felt drained - and didn't even make it till 3.30.

Then when I got home Tony was ill with a very bad stomach.

I have found a surveyor to look at the house - at least if he answers my e-mail I've found one - and at a very reasonable price. I must check out that he is reputable!

Breakfast was a revelation. I had cereal, ate it really slwoly - and couldn't even close to finsihing the bowl. In act I took the rest in to work to have as a mdimorning snack. I am reluctant to waste food in this day and age! At lunch I couldn't finish my sandwich, at with Tony ill I didn't cook and I wil admit to a packet of Doritos - but I still feel I've done reaonably well with food today. No water though.......

I am looking forward to a nice relaxing weekend - althugh will hve to do some shopping, I need to go and see Edna and I'm still catching up with the laundry from when the machine broke.....

ARRRGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Hard work does pay off

Today I have had a massive confidence boost! We went to the probate office today to sort out Steve's father's estate. There was no will so we had to go though the intestacy forms. which we did without any rifessional help. As Steve was the only heir, and the estate fairly simple, it didn't seem worth aying anyone to sort it out. So today we had the formal interview when Steve swore an affidavit that the information he (we) had supplied was correct. In two weeks we will get the letters of administration and Steve can claim the house and the money. I worked out that a professional executor would have charged us around 5000.00. I'd rather Steve had the 5000.0 to spend on the house thank you very much.

So I feel VERY good that I did that all on my own really.

So how have I got on with Paul's programme today? Well I haven't listened to the tape but I've realised I seem to have reached the tipping point with eating slowly and conciously. Its easier to do it than not to so it now so I guess I'm doing something right. I conciously and slowly chewed and enjoyed 2 ginger biscuits this afternoon - but the majority of my food has been healthy and my dinner portion was smaller than I would hav eaten 2 weeks ago.

I'm back at work tommorrow. We'll see hwo it goes

Accentuate the positive

I am going to start by listing all the positive things from today.

I walked to work
I looked at myself in the mirror and thought that I did look better -slightly slimmer
I managed to resist the urge to binge on choclate fingers at work
I have eaten relatively healthily and have attemoted to stick to the golden rules.

I also had an insight as was walking to work while listneing to the wieght loss track. While sticking tot eh 4 golden rules will undoubtedly help you eat less and lose weight, a lot of the programme is about increasing self confidence and improving your self image. This is familiar territory to me from 'Change your life in 7 days' And at the moment self confidence is what I need - not oonly to help with losing wieght, but also with the challenges I face in my life and career. So the most important thing to happen was that I looked in mirror and thought I looked good.

I am not going to list the negative things I will just say its been a bad day, and I am glad I have a day off tommorrow. Friday can only be better at work than today has been.

Good intentions?

They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. My very good intention of yesterday sadly came to nothing today. In fact today has been pretty awful. But I am going to try and find some positive aspects if it kills me!

It started off with the washing machine breaking down witha full load in it. That was NOT a good start at all but I did manage to act rather than moan. I rang the engineer and he is coming on Thirsday morning.

Woek did not go well, I made some silly mistakes, one of which may have led to some CD's going missing. I also made some silly syetm errors - mainly with blister packs - but ended up feeling more laibility than anything else, On the lus side I did make an intervention on CCU. So I haven't totally lost my touch. But my doubts about how well I can cope under stress are not getting any less - and that is a key factor in any decision I will make about my future career.

So on to the real reason fro this blog - a replacment for the 90 day success journal - success there's a laugh.

OK I haven't listend to the tape, but I have folowed the 4 golden rules to the best of my ability. I used the car so didn't 'move my body' as much as I would have liked. I did drink some water, I managed to smile at myse;f in the mirror.

I haven't eaten cripss for days and have only had 2 biscuits today. I have resisted sweets as well over the past 2 days. I have enjoyed what I have eaten, felt full and on the whole have only eaten when I was hungry. I haven't taken a snack to bed with me for several days now.

I should feel good - but I don't. My worry over work is just too great. Hope tomorrow will be better. It can't be any worse

Longest day at work so far

Today I worked from 9.00 until 3.30 ish, and did 1 ward visit - to the CCU which has 9 patients. It felt very strange to be back on a ward. And I was struggling a little with technology as I had to try and use the PICS system. I spent the rest of my time in the dispensary and I know I've done it. I've tried to envisage coping with the 32 bedded NNU and at the moment its laughable.

On the plus side food wasn't a problem. I stil need to slow down a bit more while I'm eating, but I'm eating when I'm hungry and not overeating. I aso drank water today in the dispensary. I relaxed and listend to the tape last night, and I felt good when I looked at mysefl in the mirror first thing this morning. I do feel positive about how I am coping not only with the golden rules but with work and I feel I have a lot to be proud of. I did use the car today so the excercise was down - but I have learnt I need to be aware of my limits and I felt walkign would be a bit to much. Anyway I had to take the car to get petrol so I would have driven it at some point today.


I've resisted the temptation to weigh myself - mainly becasue I'm so convinced I won;t have lost any and I don;t want to get discouraged. SWven if I don't lose much weight it will stil be a success if I feel better in myself.

I don't really feel THAT psotive if I'm honest - but a lot of that is due to tiredness - and nerves about Thursday when Steve goes to the probate office.

Tommorrow I am going to make an effort to find one thingI can eb relaly positive and confident about and concentrate on that.

A moving day

Excuse the pun but today HAS been a moving day as Steve moved into Dawlish Road. Somehow this feels like a more permanent move than when he went to Opal. Its probably jst me being tired - and a bit emotional after yesterday though. I do suspect that we will see a lot less of him now than we used to. I suspect there will be fewer times when he stops over here - but we'll see.

I am still VERY tired but not feeling that work is going to be one exhausting drag and that I can't face it. But don't bet on me walking to work tommorrow. I knw my limits and that won't be on my agenda.

Food today has been yesterdays leftovers. I bought WAY too mich food so there is quite a lot left - bioth cooked an uncooked. I haven't done brilliantly with the golden rules today. I probably haven't eaten slowly enough and although I have avoided a binge, I haven't thought consciosulyy about what I am eating. But I still haven't stuffed myself they way I might have done before. Diets and eating plans always tend to fall aprt at weekends. I am confident tommorrow I will still be in control of food......not it in control of me. And that is what 'I can make you thin' is all about

A very busy day

I am SO tired. Today was the BBQ - and on the whole it went OK, but the house has been full of people and quite noisy and I am now very tired. But I don't want to let the disciline slip, so I am going to make a quick entry

I dsicovered that eating slowly has become a habit. I seem to have gone past the tipping oint when its easier to do it than not. Ia ctually didn't eat as much ay the BBQ as I normally would have done. certainly this evening when normally I would have picked at the remains, I realised I wasn't hungry and didn't have anything to eat. Somethig is sticking somewhere.

The plus for today is I didn't binge in a party situation . I'll settle for that as a postive factor

The end of a good day

Depsite discomfort and needing to where the TENS machine it HAS been a good day. I didn't drink much water but I managed the rest of the 'golden rules' quite well. I even cooked pasta for mysefl when I did Fish and Chips for the men. I didn't WANT the fish and chips. I really enjoyed the pasta - and all the food I ate today.

I managed to empty my e-mail box at work. I didn't feel especially inspired by anything I read - but nothing really tied my stomach in knots either. I also managed to be the sole pharmacist in the duspensary for the lucnh hour. I worked from 9.15 to 2.16 and next weel I am going to try orking 9.00 till about 4.00 and see how I go on. But I still find myself quite content to be in the dispensary.

I've had a busy day because after work Steve and I went shopping for the BBQ suppies, and then we built the BBQ. We were in bits by the time we finished.... well YOU try having a sensible conversation when you keep talking about screws, nuts ,holes and R's - even when it IS your son you are talking to (or in his case your mother) It was hysterical.

But despite doing so much, I feel quite energetic. It is now past 10.00pm and although I will be going to bed soon, I am much less tired than I have been.

It has been a good day - and I hope the start of a good weekend

Two posts a day?

It may seem ecessive but I find it useful. I can clarify my thoughts as I make my morning entry. And recording how I feel at the beggining of the day put my entry later into perspective. Also my previous McKenna training (Change your life in 7 days) trained me to plan the day ahead as I want it to go. Thats probably one reason why when I take that first loo in a mirror, I can nearly always see something positive. Also one insight from this morning is that the 'I can make you thin' programme is also about helping you to accept yourself as you are, while instilling healthier eating habits.

This morning I found myself considering why I hae a weight problem. I do know the good nutrion rules better than most. I throughly enjoy fresh fruit and vegetables. But I know I have eaten too large protions, and I have eaten too many crips and biscuits. If I can learn to listen to my bodies 'full'signal I will eat smaller portions (and this is already happening) . The crips and biscuits are emotional eating - and there is no dout at the moment there are a large number of issues payng havoc with my emotionas and making large demands on my emotional equilibrium. So I think I need to concentrate on my emotional needs.

Undoubtedly my job situation is a large part of the emotional stress I am under. I have now been back at work for one week. And already I have developed a new pain (right shoulder) that I can directly attribute to work (reaching up to put the paperwork in the trays on top of the pigeonholes).

Tday I am going to go in early and clear my e-mail box. I think that will provide some useful insights into whether working at BWH is a realistic option. But I MUST keep an open mind.

However Yvonne made an off the cuff comment that I have been unable to forget. She took the 'retire for one day' option and says its the best thing she ever did. She says she is enjoying her life NOW becasue you can't take it with you. Steve doesn't need a legacy from me apart from the house so I don't need to have any guilt about using MY money for MY benefit.

Coping with ups and downs

Well after an inspired start this morning, its all gone a bit 'pete tong' Between pain in my back and shoulder, and some unfortunate news that affects my financial situation, right now I'm feeling pretty fed up. I know my reaction to the financial news was probably not warranted and was probably a refelction of my tiredness. So I want to try and use this entry to emphasise the positive.

So lets concentrate my weight loss efforts. I have ried with the golden rules but not really succeeded briliant. I listend to the track, I ate what I wanted, when I was hungry - although stemming my appetite at work was tricky. I did eat consciously but not as slwly as I should have done probably. I didn't drink water, and because I used the car I didn't move my body as much as I would have liked. To be fair my back is preventing me from doing as much excercise as I want to so I don't really blame myself for that. In fact I don't really have anything to balme myse;f about. I am trying to follow the programme, and just because I can't get it completely right every day, doesn't mean that I am a failure.

I think I have to work harder on workig out what I really want to eat. I;ve made a start with ditchnig the sweeteners and realising sandwihes for lunch are much nicer than crispbreads. I've had two biscuit todayc -and some gorgeous cake at work. But I ate it slowly - and very nice it was too. I haven't binged on biscuits. I am worried that if I can't walk far it will make losing weight harder - but I trust that if I don't do as much excercise. my body will still tell me how much food it need. All I have to do is listen to what it tells me.

Last night and this morning I asked for some sign about what I am suosed to do about work. Should I stay at the hospital or just retire? This news may just be the sign that I should retire.

I got my work e-mail account re-activated today. I was told I have a new accoutn when I started back but they've ust re-activayed my old one. I oend it to discover over 650 emails i my in box. My reaction to tat, and my reaction to seeing some of the senders of the e-mails- was a revelation. I felt no desire to read any of the mails, no desire to bring myself up to speed with anything tat had been going on. I just felt like running away.

I have also realised that I can totally selfish about my ension and lump sum. Steven won't need anything from me financially at all. I can use the money to enjoy life now. The idea is evry tempting..............................

I am really very lucky. I do have options that other people would give their eye teeth for. I need to count mt blessings

Early morning inspiration?

Its 7.10 am - and I've been awake since 5.30 thanks to my back and the cats. I was hungry and thirsty so I got myself some water and quickly did some Ryvita and peanut butter( eat when you are hungry!) and took them back to bed. But I still couldn't settle so I've done some tidying in the bedroom . I am now up properly and having a proper breakfast after having something of a revelation.

I've realised I haven't been following Paul's programme in one important way. One of Paul's instructions is to get rid of all the low fat, low sugar, and sugar free foods. I didn't. I still have sweetener in my coffee and sugar substitute on my cereal. But if I want sweet things, could this be my bodies way of tellig me I need the sugar for some energy? Maybe I will feel less tired if I have sugar ? Could it be that simple?

So I am going to ditch the sweeteners and subsitutes for a time. Weetabix with strawberries and sugar tasted better and had a better texture than the same breakfast with Canderel.

I will stick with this and see how it goes and how I feel. Looking it at from the old viewpoint of calorie counting, the extra sugar isn't a massive amount of calories.

Watch this space!

Know your limits

That is the lesson I leant today. I overdid it yesterday - and paid for it today. Walking both ways was not such a good idea after all.

OK first things first. How did I manage the food issue today? Lets do Mr McKenna's check lict

I listened to the CD - check
I ate when I was hungry - check . I still had some problems with nervous hunger but not as bad as yesterday
I what I wanted. - and the piece of flapjack was WONDERFUL!!! check
I ate conciously - check.
I stopped when I was full - check
I drank water - lots of it. I keot a mug of water on the bench at work check
I moved my body - well as much as could (see later in teh post for more about this)
I did the mirror excersise .....well sort of.

S overall I feel I did well with food today. I know I am eating smaller portions, and my con sumtion of biscuits has droped drastically. I've also realised that eating what I want not what I think I should have means eating bread instead of crispbreads most of the time. I really enjoy bread. Crackers and crisbreads still have a place - with cheese and pate mainly. But I will never again take crispbreads for my lunch as work.

I would love to feel full of energy - as per the guru's predictions for following this programme - but I know there are other factors affecting this.

Work went OK up to a point. I was rostered to be there from 11.30 - 2.00. I got there about 9.30 full of enthusiasm and good intentions. But despite sitting down as much as I could my back and leg began to remind me they have issues! And I felt really tired too so I gave up at 1.30.

So no more walking both ways - and for the moment I will stick to the 3 hours of work I know I can cope with.

So the physical side of work was a problem. The clincial and professional side went well. I enoyed talking to patients at the hatch, I was able to advise junior pharmacists, I still have knowledge in my head that I can use. I can still function as a pharmacist in some capacity. I have no intention of trying to decide in what capacity at this stage.

I thoroughly enjoyed my after work trip to Rachel's - and a truly scrumptious tuna bagel. It was great to get such an affectionate from the boys as well. Thanks Rachel. You're a real friend hun xxx

Progress!

I walked to work and walked back. That is my big success. I feel knackered after doing it - but I did it. I know the walking is good for me for all sorts of health reasons so that is one achevment that makes me feel good about myself.

I managed to sit down a lot more at work today so I found it less tiring and less stressful. But I know sitting down isn't something I can do when am in my 'proper' job. I found my proper job tiring even before all this happened.

So how has the food side gone? I have felt hungry all day today - but it wasn't real hunger -it was nervous hunger. But I haven't made any huge slips. 1 biscuit and an ice lolly on the way home were the only indulgence foods I had - s0 I feel reasonably happy about that.

On the minus side I couldn't settle to listen to either of my McKenna tracks. But I am managing to keep on track without them at the moment.

New day new beggining?

So I sit here facing another day at Selly Oak, wondering how I am going to cope. I have knots in my stomach and I am not due in for another 4 hours offcially. Why am I so anxious? Is this a signal that returning to work at the hospital is a total non starter? Ort is it just because I am tired and not thinking rationally. Time wll tell.

I tried to use the McKenna track last night but gave up half way through as I couldn't relax at all. I'll try to listen to one of them this morning before I go out.

On the plus side I do feel positive about managing food at the moment - although it is tricky fitting eatig when you are hungry round work lunch breaks. Even if I dn't always stick to the rules I know the ed result is that I am eating less and excersisng more so overall that is good for me. I do think I need to increase my water intake though so tat is my goa foir today to drink more water. On the basis of 'eat what you really want ' I had sugar on my cereal this morning. It gives a crunchy texture that canderel and other subsitiutes just don't give. I really did enjoy the cereal much more. I am still eating what I think I should and not what I want to an extent. Hmmmm..I need to think about that.

Anyway time for me to get ready to go greet and the world.