A verbal 'primal scream'

You have been warned. Emotionally I am a mess at the moment and it is playing havoc with food. I did try to stick to the rules but I know I wasnt eating slowly enough, and I certainly didnt leave any of my deliciuos pie and ships on my plate.

This morning I feel both hungry, and sluggish as if yesterdays food is still wieghing me down. It feels as if I shouldnt feel hungry - but I do.

I am also sleeping badly at the moment which means I feel very tired and that just makes everything worse. Lets face it the emotional upheaval is playing havoc with every aspect of my life and so I need to deal with it. 'Dealing with it' means identifying the issues and getting some sort of plan.

Is it just Edna that is causing this? I think so but I'm not sure. Thats how much of a mess I am at the moment. Cant even thnk clearly about what the issues are.

Edna certainly is an issue. I am worried about her at the momemnt because her medication supplies have gone wrong and as a result she is not as well as she should be. I cant do anything until Tuesday to sort that out.

I am worried about ME in relation to Edna because of the shopping and the possibility that I may have to take charge of her medication supplies. I am still not sure how much the increased contact time will impact on Tony Steve and work (in that order of priority)

I am also worried about me in relation to work anyway - and whether I really should cut down my hours to 27 and a half or even 25. But how will that affect my employability. I dont want to be without work completely.

I feel overwhelmed by issues at the moment . But it isnt all bad if Im honest. I did get a huge boost yesterday when Steve told me that he has a girlfriend. And they have had multiple dates. In this electronic age I have been able to take a sneaky look at her since she is of course on FB and he told me enough for me to identify her. She looks nice - and like him she has an interest in sci-fi plus she is studying creative writing which is something Steve does a lot of as well. Apart from the obvious aspect - that every mother wants her son to have a girdfriend - its part of life - this is significant on a deeper level. I think it shows he is finally getting over the trauma of last year and learining to trust people. While Alan was alive he couldnt face talking about his family to anyone - and when you get into a relationship with somone that is one of the things you talk about. I think now he can talk about his family without it causing problems. I still get a warm fizzy feeling whenever I hear him refer to Tony and I as 'my parents'

So I need to keep a sense of perspective. It isnt all bad - and I need to focus on what is going well.

But there is no doubt Edna is a huge problem at the moment. And she would absolutley hate it if she knew how much this is all worrying me. She doesnt want to be a problem to anyone, she doesnt want help from anyone - although she does reluctatntly admit she needs help. I think waht is getting to me is the huge number of unkown factors I am dealing with. If all I have to do is shopping once a fortnight and I can leave her medication to the wardens then that will be easily manageable. The problem is that little word 'if' . I dn't know and the only way I can find out is by seeing how thing develope.

So what it comes down to is my old issue of lack of control of my life. Andamazingly having realised that I do feel calmer. 'naming the demons' does help.

I havent meditated for a couple of days. I've been too tired and too busy. I may be wrong in seeing that as a cause - but I am sure it is part of the solution. Meditating is something I can do that is under my control. And I am sure it will help me relax and keep things in perspective. It may also give me some useful insights.

So having worked all this through how do I feel now? Wel sadly still hungry even though I have had breakfast.. But it does fell like real hunger so I will honour the feeling and accept that my body wants some more food. I do tend to neglect myself and my own needs at times. That is why I have a weight problem . I think all this upset and emotion is a wake uo call to take care of myself. My prayers always end with the words 'use me to help those I come into contact with today' I have a need to care for others - and to do that to the best of my ability I MUST care wel for myself.

I started this entry in a turmoil of emotion. I now have a definite plan of action and I feel better.