Chicken or Egg

So does changing your life change you, or when you change yourself do you automatically change yur life?

Answers on a postcard please to...........

I think changing yourself can have unexpected rewards when yur life changes as a result. But I alos think if you set out - as I did 3 years ago - to change your life you cannot help but change yourself.

The peraon I was 3 years ago couldnt have used ICMYT. The peerson I am now can see through ICMYT to the reality of what lies behind the rules.

Yesterday food went OK although excercise was a bit lacking - it was too hot to do too much. I didnt stick strictly to the rules - but I know I ate less than I would have done on a day like that before. Yesd a box of flapjack bites got demolished by the three of us (Micheal was round) and if I'm honet I wasnt really hungry when I ate a couple of them. But my dinner was much smaller than normal and I was staisfied by it.

I think the real message of ICMYT is 'listen to your body' . I am much more aware of the 'full' signal than I ever used to be. I know I couldnt stuff myself to bursting point the way I used to. Now when I am full I know it.

My Wiifit goal day is next Saturday. I know I wont have lost as much as I originally intended - but what I have acheived in the ast few weeks in terms of positive self image is far mor evaluable than pounds lost anyway. I can see I look slimmer than I used to.

I am also beggining to see new possibilities for myself in all sorts of areas. I really do feel good about myself this morning. So I have eaten breakfast - becasue I was hungry. I amabout to get in a wii fit workout while it still cool enough to do so, and I intend to enjoy the rest of the weekend.

Hooray for the weekend

Its stupidly early o'clock for a weekend morning but cats don't know the difference do they?

Food went OK yetserday in the end. I probably didnt eat as awly as I should have done - but I know I didnt overeat. I ended up going over to see Edna after work - and doing shopping as well. So by the time I got home I was quiye hungry. But I didnt really want a meal(it was too hot) so I had a crisp sandwich. Now thats eating what you really want. A bit later I had a done kebab - and couldnt finish it. And it wa sa small doner with no chips.

This morning I am hungry - again I've had wat I really want - a couple of croissants. Loveley but not filling so I will have to have something else to eat before I go out . Tha car is booked in for an MOT in an hours time.

I wnat to chill this weekend. I want to relax and do what I WANT to do not what I feel I have GOT to do. The last couple of days have been stressful between Edna and NPower - and I need some quality family time - and maybe some me time as well.

Good morning world!!

This blog is always a good way to start the day. Either I am recording positive things, which boosts me OR I am using the blog to vent destructive emotions. Sometimes its both - but either way I the act of blogging usually makes has a positive effect.

This is a mixed entry type of day - but as the title shows I am feeling quite chirpy.

Food was a triumph yesterday. I didnt ever feel ravenously hungry and it took me well over half an hour to eat my salad last night. I took at least twice as long as Tony ! I had one repeat one biscuit only during the day - and didnt really want any more. At no point was I fighting a craving. In fact I followed Paul's rules almost to the letter with my dinner. I decided a few crisps on the side would be nice - so I added a few crisps - and throughly enjoyed them.

I also clocked up over 45 minutes on the Wiifit with 30 minutes free stepping last night.

I slept well last night - as usual the ICMYS trance track sent me off to sleep efficiently.

I do have a couple of worry issues (Edna's carers and NPower) but I have plans for both situations. I am trying to focus on positive outxomes in both cases - but sadly the worst case scenarios keep creeping in and the movies in my mind are not pleasant. But both the psalm I read last night and the Spark people reflection this morning were VERY apt for my current situation. So somone is telling me something and I am trying to listen and take the message to heart.

But this morning I am sitting here a little tired, with the beggining of emotinal hunger pangs and with slight but nigling sciatica. I think I overdid the excercise last night. I am very glad that today is Friday and have 2 days off work to look forward to.

But I do know I am going to work today, I have no desire NOT to go and am not panicing at the thought of work. And that is why I feel as positive as I do. That is the clearest indication of how far I have come in the 3 years since I first encountered Paul's books and ideas. My journey is continuing

Back into the routine

Its 7.30 am. I am up, I've fed the cats, washed up, done myself some breakfast and have done some yoag and step plus on the Wii fit.

I am still eating the breakfast - proof that I am eating slowly. So far so good.

I have also listened to the ICMYT CD this morning and I had quite a good nights sleep last night after listening to ICMY Sleep.

I am back to work today - and hopefully will be less stressed than I was on Tuesday now I have sorted out the problem of the missing drugs. I also found an email address for NPower so I have sent them a blistering e-mail that leaves them in no doubt about how I feel . I will feel better when I can tell Steve what has happened - but that will have to wait until after this afternoon when he has his last exam.

I am planning on seing Edna after work - and I will be leaving work at 4.00 not 4.30. The extra time is much more valuable than the 13.50 I would earn!! I will have to tell RHH about my situation if I am to get any chnace of a permanaent re-vamp of these hours. They wont be much help if they think my only concern is traffic. If only!!!

So I am feeling quietly positive - but very glad it is nearly the weekend so I can relax for a couple of days. That is the clearest sign I can't continue with these hours.

Food went well yesteday. I resigmned from the clean plate club again - and I think my resignation is still in force this orning. I have only eaten 3/4 of my breakfast. So I do feel I am back on track with that. And last night I need 30 minutes free stepping to the mantra of 13 stone and 13 lbs. I clocked up over an hour on the Wii fit yesterday. And this morning my workout included the downward facing dog .

So a good start to what I hope will be a good day.

Stress management

As my second post yesterday showed - yesterday was not a good day for me. But food went ok ish. I did nibble some biscuits yesterday evening, and its just as well nothing is forbidden on Pauls programme because that means the large glass of wine I had isnt giving me the slightest twinge of guilt.

The phonecall from NPower came just at the start of a 20 minute freestep session . The remaining 17 minutes after the phone call were VERY vigorous and very thereaprutic. So in a way the call actually helped with the 'move your body' rule

But this morning I am tired, still quite stressed and very hungry. My main priority today is Edna. I have got to get in tuch with the doctor and sort out her medication - including making sure she doesnt have another break in supply. If I could receive mobile phone calls at work I wouldnt be worried but I know I cant - and this issue is unlikely to be sorted out in the window before 10 and after 4.30 . So I am not going to work. That is the beauty of being a locum - I dont have to work. Obviously I dont want to get a reputation for being unreliable - but having the freedom to respond to this sort of crisis is excatly why I decided to locum. Russells Hall dont know about my vorcumstances and my link with a dememntia sufferer - but I am going to have to tell them now.

One very good thing that happened yesterday was a chat with Steve (I didnt even hint at the NPower call - he has one more exam to do and I dont want him distracted or worried ) It was obvious fromn his first word that he was chirpy - and he said he just come back from a date with Judy. I have wanted him to have a girlfriend so much - and I am delighted he has finally got into a relationship. Of course I know at some future time there may well be heartache ahead for him but that is the downside of love. As long as the timing is OK (I can undertsand why my Mum was angry that my first boyfriend dumped me just before my GCE's) coping with the end of a relationship is part of life.

Taking care of my weight is an important part of my self care programme. The fact that I didnt have a binge yesterday shows how far I have coe on Paul's programme. At one point not so long ago I was regularly buying chocolate bars - usually a double or triple pack of Bounty bars - and eating them all myself. I havent felt the urge to do that for ages. Even though I know I am not always following the rules I actually dont want chocolate bars any more. If I did buy a pack of Bounties I know I couldnt the whoe pack at one go anymore. So there has been a fundamental change in the way I think about what I eat. And it survives even in a crisis. Do you have any idea how huge a deal that is for me?

Even though I am tiried and worried, right now I feel SO good about myself - and that is a great way to feel at the start of the day.

Stress stress and more stress

It must be bad becasue I'm making a second entry today.

I havent been able to contact the doctor about Edna's medication - they had an extra days bank holiday today.

Work was very tiring - and I had a low stress tolerance becasue I was worried about Edna's medication.

Then tonight I got a phone call from NPower about the gas /electric supplies at Steve's house. Some months ago before the renovations started on the house I spotted an NPower bill addressed to a Mr T Luck at my Steves house. I opepend it to see it was a final demand for an unpaid bill. So I ramng them to say you have the wrong address. The current owner is Mr Steve Haynes, the previous owner was Mr Alan Haynes (My ex husband) who bought the house in the late 70's from A Dr Patrick Cadigan. No Mr Luck has ever lived there. They apologised and said 'dont worry we'll sort it out' Sionce then they have threatned to send int he bailiffs, and threatened to cut off the supplies to the house - and each time when they checked their records they saw the note of my call aplogised and said they would sort it............ Tonight they rang saying that according to the natinal grid they DID supply the gas and electrivc to Steve's address. When I said that the supplies had never been changed after my ex dies and that British Gas supply both gas and electric . Yet again they aplogised and said they would sort it .

I DONT NEED THIS STRESS AT THE MOMENT!!!!!! Anyway I have contacted the ombudsman, Steve is in the middle of exams and I will not distract him from that.

I could cry -I really could. I havent felt this stressed in ages.

But somehow I havent binged - and I've made a better at thew rules today than I have for a few days now.

Now to answer a question. How did my mother ruin my self image? She had weight problems as a child and was perpetually on a diet while I was growing up. She cosntantly nagged me about my weight and I think i was put on my first diet at the age of 14 - or possibly even younger. When I look at photos of myself then I wasnt really overweight - but inside I always felt like the 'fat kid' and it stayed with me. My weight only really went out of control when I left home - because I didnt have the foggiest idea about good nutrition or a balanced diet . I couldnt even have told you what a normal healthy calorie intake was for a adult. I just new about different diets - and hated them!!

So Mum's actined damaged my self image - but in the end I was the one who put the food in my mouth so I dont blame her for my weight problems . But I still see myself as the 'fat kid' and I now beleive that is one reason why I have found it so ard ti lose weight. At my heaviest I weighed 16st 5lbs - but that was manby years ago - my present 14 st and a bit is a lot better. But I did get down to 10 stone 17 years ago - but the weight crept up again as my marriage fell apart and my self image took another pounding due to Alan's drinking.

Oh dear I really AM feeling sorry for myself tonight - and it doesnt do me any good. I am concentrating on how rotten things have been - thats because I feel out of control of 2 key problems - Edna's drugs and the NPower fiasco.

Hopefully I will feel more positive and in control tomorrow

So much to do

I dint even want to talk about food yesterday. It was a total disaster and if I am honest all the rules went by the wayside - apart from the one about eating what you want. My main 'crime' was eating when I was not truly hungry - and I re-subscribed to the clean plate club. I realised I hadn't listened to the CD for a few days . Cause and effect????

But that was yesterday this is today - and a very busy today it is too. I HAVE to get Edna's medication problem sorted out. But I have made time to lositen to the CD and to meditate. Although I woke later than usual - which meant the CD had to be fitted in as part of my dressing routine - I have managed to everything I NEED to do and still have a plan that enables me to make all the phone calls I need and et to work. Basically I am going to get to work early and make the phone calls from there.

I feel chuffed I have found time to make this blog entry- and I feel I have gained an insight into why Ghandi said once that he had so much to do he would need to meditate twice a long. The meditation focussed my thougths on problem solving rather than moaning about the problems. They havent gone away but I now have ideas how I can solve them.

The only real sacrifice that I have made this morning is my workout was just 10 minutes of yoga - but I know I can fot in 20 minutes tonight with little problem.

So I am positive about today despite the problems - and I am much more positive that I will manage food MUCH better than yesterday. To be honest from yesterday the only way is up!!

Mastering your past

'Take a moment to look at the circumstances of your world. Is it what you want to see? What could you do differently to take one step closer to your ideal vision? We're all dealt different hands in life. That's how things are. To change things, you have to first accept that fact, then figure out where to go from here. We should all be able to count on each other for help, but in the end, we can't expect anyone to change our lives except ourselves. Nor should we want it that way. It's natural to feel powerless and give up in the face of hardships, but complaining and blaming do nothing except prevent action. Without positive action, you're giving up your power and asking for more of the same--a world you did not create. Where you start may not be your fault, but the course you run is still your choosing.'



The above was of course from Spark People. It is almost pure CYLI7D. I did not chose to be where I am at the moment . I can look back at my life and identify my Mum as the main suorce of my weight problems. Without meaning to the self image she gave me of myself was of a fat person. She gave me the self image - but I put the food in my mouth. My 10 years or more of depression was due to Alan's alcohol problems. I didnt ask Alan to have a drinking problem - but it was me that chose to stay in that situation for so long.

The fact that I can understand how and why I find myself in my current situation doesnt help me manage it any better. I am the only one who can do that by recognising that I need to take action if I am not happy with something - and that includes my wieght.

The trouble is as Paul's book makes clear there is a huge emotional component to eating. So you cannot deal with weight issues in isolation from your other issues.

So this morning I am fed up to put it mildly becasue for the second day in a row I am sitting here feeling ravenously hungry. I have had breakfast which I tried to eat slowly - but failed. And 2 pieces of toast are already in the toaster . Part of the problem is that I can't take action on one of my main issues until tomorrow - as today is a bank holiday. The upside to that is that I dont have to work today either - which is just as well becasue I am tired.

I also didnt have much sucess with meditation yesterday despite my determination to try. I was so tired when I went to bed all I could manage was a short meditative reading that I didnt really meditate on.

But I am where I am and all I can do is work out how to move in the right direction from here. And the whole picture isnt black. I didnt binge yesterday, and I did my 30 minutes on the Wiifit. I also took some actions becasue I started tidying the garage and I stripped the varnish off the coat hook rails that will be going back up in the cloakroom. Home needs a lot of work done to it and we are working through the list slowly but surely. The cloakroom is our current project and although most of it is being done by a professional we are doing what we can ourselves.

Having just seen a story on the news about diet and cancers I know my overall diet is healthier than a lot of peoples. And I will give myself a large pat on the back for the toast I have just eaten. 25 minutes to eat 2 pieces. Sadly I am still feeling hungry :-(

But I know this is emotional so I will have another drink (I've already had 2 mugs of coffee) and turn on the Wiifit. If I still feel hungry when I've done a workout and had a drink I will try the tapping technique - something I have never done because frankly I've not been convinced by the supposed science behind it. But that attitude sits very poorly with my personal experiences of the paranormal -which a lot of people would write off as rubbish with no science behind it, I need to try the techniquwe consistently and see what happens. After all visualisations DO work and there is no clear scientific explanation for that either.

A verbal 'primal scream'

You have been warned. Emotionally I am a mess at the moment and it is playing havoc with food. I did try to stick to the rules but I know I wasnt eating slowly enough, and I certainly didnt leave any of my deliciuos pie and ships on my plate.

This morning I feel both hungry, and sluggish as if yesterdays food is still wieghing me down. It feels as if I shouldnt feel hungry - but I do.

I am also sleeping badly at the moment which means I feel very tired and that just makes everything worse. Lets face it the emotional upheaval is playing havoc with every aspect of my life and so I need to deal with it. 'Dealing with it' means identifying the issues and getting some sort of plan.

Is it just Edna that is causing this? I think so but I'm not sure. Thats how much of a mess I am at the moment. Cant even thnk clearly about what the issues are.

Edna certainly is an issue. I am worried about her at the momemnt because her medication supplies have gone wrong and as a result she is not as well as she should be. I cant do anything until Tuesday to sort that out.

I am worried about ME in relation to Edna because of the shopping and the possibility that I may have to take charge of her medication supplies. I am still not sure how much the increased contact time will impact on Tony Steve and work (in that order of priority)

I am also worried about me in relation to work anyway - and whether I really should cut down my hours to 27 and a half or even 25. But how will that affect my employability. I dont want to be without work completely.

I feel overwhelmed by issues at the moment . But it isnt all bad if Im honest. I did get a huge boost yesterday when Steve told me that he has a girlfriend. And they have had multiple dates. In this electronic age I have been able to take a sneaky look at her since she is of course on FB and he told me enough for me to identify her. She looks nice - and like him she has an interest in sci-fi plus she is studying creative writing which is something Steve does a lot of as well. Apart from the obvious aspect - that every mother wants her son to have a girdfriend - its part of life - this is significant on a deeper level. I think it shows he is finally getting over the trauma of last year and learining to trust people. While Alan was alive he couldnt face talking about his family to anyone - and when you get into a relationship with somone that is one of the things you talk about. I think now he can talk about his family without it causing problems. I still get a warm fizzy feeling whenever I hear him refer to Tony and I as 'my parents'

So I need to keep a sense of perspective. It isnt all bad - and I need to focus on what is going well.

But there is no doubt Edna is a huge problem at the moment. And she would absolutley hate it if she knew how much this is all worrying me. She doesnt want to be a problem to anyone, she doesnt want help from anyone - although she does reluctatntly admit she needs help. I think waht is getting to me is the huge number of unkown factors I am dealing with. If all I have to do is shopping once a fortnight and I can leave her medication to the wardens then that will be easily manageable. The problem is that little word 'if' . I dn't know and the only way I can find out is by seeing how thing develope.

So what it comes down to is my old issue of lack of control of my life. Andamazingly having realised that I do feel calmer. 'naming the demons' does help.

I havent meditated for a couple of days. I've been too tired and too busy. I may be wrong in seeing that as a cause - but I am sure it is part of the solution. Meditating is something I can do that is under my control. And I am sure it will help me relax and keep things in perspective. It may also give me some useful insights.

So having worked all this through how do I feel now? Wel sadly still hungry even though I have had breakfast.. But it does fell like real hunger so I will honour the feeling and accept that my body wants some more food. I do tend to neglect myself and my own needs at times. That is why I have a weight problem . I think all this upset and emotion is a wake uo call to take care of myself. My prayers always end with the words 'use me to help those I come into contact with today' I have a need to care for others - and to do that to the best of my ability I MUST care wel for myself.

I started this entry in a turmoil of emotion. I now have a definite plan of action and I feel better.

Can I wipe out yesterday ?

Yesterday was such a bad day from the point of view of weight management. I felt hungry all day. But because I was at work I couldn't just go and eat. I had to wait. So of course when I DID get the chance to eat it was so hard to eat slowly. Also I wasn't particularly inspired by the sandwich I made myself for lunch. So it was very diffciult to really savour each mouthful. Even dinner was decided on speed of cooking and availability of ingredients rather than primarily being what I fancied. But I did fancy rice so that was what we had.

In terms of Pauls rules the day was total disaster. I couldnt even manage to drink because I have now been banned from keeping a cup with me in the dispensary.

And just to really put the out of date icing on a maggotty cake my left knee was really painful by yesterday afternoon. I spent most of yesterday standing up. I think that combined with the more energetic workout I chose yesterday morning - including 20 reps of the lunge - was a bit too much. It did ease off once I could sit down.

But today is a new day . My aim with following Paul's rules is to develpe is a new heatlthier relationcship with food so that I lose weight and keep it off. Yesterday didnt ruin that. It has given me things to think about but despite it going badly, I didnt binge.

The bad news is I am sitting here feeling ravenously hungry again. As I have nearly finished my breakfast I know this is emotional hunger and cleasrly that is the issue I have to deal with. Trouble is I cant clearly identify what is causing the emotion.

One positive thing that I can take away from yesterday is increased faith in visualisation. I got a parking space again with very little hassle and much less stress than normal. So I am hoping my new weight loss visualisation will help. I am visualising the scales reading 13st and 13lbs. It may sound silly but I used the phrase as a mantra to meditate with. Also when I am free steping I sometimes use a 'mantra ' to keep in the rhythm. Guess what mantra I used yesterday during my 20 minutes free stepping yesterday evening?

Yesterday wasn't a total disaster. I managed 40 minutes on the Wiifit compared with less than 15 on the two previous days despite my dodgy knee.

As ever blogging is helping me to focus my thoughts and sort out issues. Right now my issue is I have to go and do Edna's shopping for her. I also may have to go and shout at her pharmacy if they didnt get her medication to her yesterday as they promised. And I know in future these things will be regular parts of my life. My life is changing . The factt that I saw this type of change coming when I started this blog (hence the title) doesnt make the changes easier to manage, doesnt make them painless. It doesnt take away the worry that even only working 30 hours a week I may not be able to cope well with Edna's probably increasing needs.

So I dont really want to wipe out yesterday. I have gained insights from yesterday. I just hope I can use those insights constructively

Visualisation

I find it very very hard to visualise myself at my ideal weight. I have sometimes wondered if this is why I havent had the dramatic success I hoped for with Paul's programme. But really I couldnt see how visualising myself would help. I may have to revise opinion.

Visualisation is something Paul uses a lot. I have alo disicovered other people reccomend the same technique. Its a kind of 'cosmic ordering'. Visualise what you want strongly enough and you somehow tune in to a cosmic awareness (code named God by religious people) and you will get what you need.

Both Paul and another writer used the example of people who had success visualising parking places. Parking my car at RHH has been a problem so yesterday I decided to visualize a parking space for me at the hospital car park. A space emptied in front of me and I was able to drive in without even having to stop and wait for the space to clear. I am going to try and visualise another space being available this morning. Yersterday may have been coincidence - but it was very spooky the way it happened. So although I cant really visualize myself 4 stone lighter, I am going to tell the 'cosmic awareness' that I want to weigh less than 14st - and see what happens.

It cant hurt and as {aul says ' you get more of what you focus on'

I did so much running around yesterday . My schedule was work, Edna,meeting then home. Eating was done on the run although there was a measl provided at the meeting. I regret to report I wasnt THAT hungry when I got to the meeting but still got a plate of food. I am however pleased to report that I left half of it.

My excercise has taken a knock over the past few days with my stomach upset and then oversleeping on my day with such a busy schedule yesterday. I've only manage 15 minutes or so on the Wiifit. But I did make sure my 15 minutes was proper workout (muscle and aerobic) rather than yoga. I am going to try and fit in more than 20 minutes this morning.

I have made time to listen to the CD this morning.

So things are not perfect but I am not giving up

Persistence is the key to success

Oversleeping

I over slept this morning. When I finally realised what the stange noise in my dream was it was 06.42. The buzzer had been going for 12 minutes!!

This is SO unusual. It isnt a good start to the day. But here I sit bleary eyed sipping my coffee with no breakfast because I wasnt hungry - although now I am more awake I am starting to realise I am getting hungry. But even half alseep Paul's rules stuck. I wasnt hungry so I didnt do breakfast. Normally when I oversleep I go onto auto pilot and I would hvae automatically fone breakfast in a bit of a panic.

Food yesterday went OK even though I noe cant have my mug of water with me in the dispensary. I have been quietly told NO drinking in the dispensary at all. Also yesterday I didnt get lunch until 1.30 - by my choice to shorten the afternoon . I was hungrier than normal before I got my lunch but I want at the extreme of hunger. I re-read some of the book yesterday and I realise I've been panicling a little about this rule. The main intent is to stop you eating when you are NOT truly hungry. It is also meant to stop you using stravation diet tactics and revelling in the hunger (bben there done that) As ong as you never go to the extremes of the hunger scale you are doing OK I think. So I will now relax a little more about this rule and the problems causes by fixed work breaks. I dont get to ravenously hungery during the working day.

Oversleeping always puts me in a bad mood - I always feel as if I am rushing all day to catch up. Luckily I now have plnety of time in the mornings so I will be able to catch up with myself.

BTW one confession. yesterday I had one biscuit. I wasnt really hungry, and I cant say I enjoyed it much. I dont really know why I ate it. I am sure if I could work out why I opened the biscuit barrell I would learn something interesting about myself. But at least it stopped at one.

I have no idea whether I am going to get my workout done this morning or not - and tonight I am going to Ed's after work then straight on to the local branch meeting so I wont be excercising tonight either.

I HATE OVERSLEEPING - and I'm not sure why it happened. Is this a sign I am more tired than I think I am?

Know thyself

I suspect a lot of people who do ICMYT discover surprising things about themselves. I have made a surprising discovery about myself . I have realised I have a certain amount of charisma -something I had never realised. People dont forget me. I realised that when 3 of the staff at RHH remembered working with me YEARS ago - in some cases only for a short time. I have known for a long time that I stick in peoples memories but I had always felt deep inside that it was because I was a bit odd, or had done stupid things. In other words I thought they remembered me for the wrong reasons. With my new Paul developed insights and confidence, I now realise it is for all the RIGHT reasons. That is an amzing reveletion for me.

Yesterday went OKish but I camer home from work early with a dodgy stomach. I'm not sure if I will go to work today.

Food went OK tho but I didnt excercise as much as normal.

I am not sure if my problem yesterday had a physical cause or an emotional cause. The symtpoms were real tho. But I am aware of being VERY tired. I am thinking seriosuly about cutting back from 30 hours a week to 27 and a half. But I'm not going to do anything until I have finished 4 weeks at RHH.

I have listened to the CD this morning but I am running late. Normally I listen before the alarm goes off and get up when it does. I didnt listen until after the alarm had gone off this morning I do still have plnety of time do everything I need to do to get to work.

I think I need a holiday - and I dont mean time off work - I mean a total break from Birmingham.

When you are hungry EAT

This probably the hardest of all the rules to stick to. Because when you know you can't drop everything and eat when you want to, the temptation is to stock up with enough food to keep you going until your next scheduled meal break. But that is so against Paul's rules.

I still feel I am not really listening to my body. I'm still not sure I really understand the signals my body is sending me at times. So I keep a cup of water with me in the dispensary at all times so I can drink and prevent dehydration. But when you are hungry at 7.30 and you know your next scheduled meal will be at 1.00 it can be somewhat challenging. I am trying to split breakfast into 2. So I have about half the cereal I used to have at 7 ish, then fit in some toast or something just before I leave at 9. Then I can have a cereal bar with me in the dispensary if the water doesnt deal with any 'hunger'. All healthy food choices, they are NOT in any way 'diet foods' so I am eating what I want and enjoy (Aldi organic cereal bars are very VERY yummy. I have no idea of the calorie content but I DON'T CARE!)

So I suppose I am showing knowledge of my bodies needs and responding to it with a bit of planning. Am I breaking Paul's rules? Am I wrecking my chances of substantial weight loss?

Of course you coudl argue that this means my current job is not the best thing for me and I should change it.........................

It really is impossible to do Paul's ICMYT without looking at the whole of your life -not just the food part of it. Food is so central to life, socialising, working and I suppose that explains it.

Yesterday went OK ish with food. I didnt snack during the game last night which. I didnt even feel the desire the snack because I didnt feel peckish. I was comfortably full. Tony was given a choice of suasages or meatballs for dinner - and suggested corned beef hash - which I made and I have to say thoroughly enjoyed.

I am doing better with relaxing - although my thoughts were racing again as I listened to the CD this morning. But at least I did stick with it and listen. But as for going right under and dozing during it? Forget it - no sign of that happening.

But I am 'listening repeatedly and practicing tenaciously' !

Hi ho hi ho its back to work I go

So at the start of week to at RHH I am a bit tired. I stayed uo later than I normally would to spend more time with Tony. I am a lark and he is night owl. It means I spend most of my mornings alone at the weekend and it leaves HIM alone when I go to bed. So I suggested I would try and stay up later if he would go to bed a bit earlier so we kind of met in the middle lol. So I didnt go to bed till after 10.30 last. I slept quite well. I did manage some meditation before I slept and waking at 5.00 meant I had plenty of time to listen to the CD. So all in all a good start

Food went OK yetsreday. I always tend to graze at weekend, whihc I know is a healthy eating pattern as long as you reaslly are hungry when you eat. I dont think an athlete or a dieticion would have approved of what I ate - but it was what I really wanted so I am happy and yah boo to the dieticians. My normal diet is a lot healthier than most peoples with fresh fruit and vegetables in it.

One clear sign that I didnt overso it yesterday with food is that I feel sleepy = but not sluggish. I also felt hungry when I woke up.

I am a little concerened about how I will manage my food at work today. I know after I leeave here at 9.00 I wont get a chnace to eat until 1.00. They way I feel at the moment I think I will be feeling hungry before then. I will definitley be fitting in some toast before I go to work as well as the breakfast (whihc I have just finished at 7.10am) I have a workout to do before I leave so I am sure I will work up an appetite.

On the whole I feel positive about things - but still with concerns about how well the placement will work out. I am suddenly driving 110 extra miles a week whihc means effictiveley I have no time outside normal working hours for Edna. With the car parking problem as well I see two possible solutions. Either I start work at 9.30 si I leave at 4.00 OR I only do 5 and half hours a day. But I will leave it another week before I decide if I need to do anything. It may be it all falls into place neatly this week.

Since I remain convinced somone is looking after me at the moment, I am sure things will work out

Frankie says Relax

And that is what I am going to do today. So here I am in bed with toast coffee, the laptop and various books - including 'psychic training for beginners' I do NOT think I am suddenly going to turn into a mindreader. But after my encounter with Carolyn I cant deny psychic powers exist. I believe the potential is there is all of us. This is something Paul alludes to in CYLI7D. So what I hope the book will do is enable to make use of whatever psychic potential I may have. Increasing my natural empathy may well be of use in dealing with Edna. But the main thing is I am getting to know myself better. And knowing yourself is the key to succesful weight loss.

Knowing what you really want to eat
Knowing when you are truly hungry
Knowing when you are full
Knowing when the hunger is emotional
Knowing how to deal with that emotion

And there is a hidden strand to Pauls programme - the bit where he gets you to feel happy with your body. That is the ultimate in self knowledge to know who you truly are. Not a bunch of figures you are inhappy with, but a person with the potential to do great things.

I have never been able to separate ICMYT from CYLI7D. For me, dealing with the unhappiness in my life due to my lack of self esteem was necessary to get me in the frame of mind where I could tackle my body image.

Losing weight is all about loving yourself enough to do it. My excursion into the paranormal is one of the ways I am loving myself.

I didnt have the binge banquet. Food went OK yesterday. I couldnt finish the dinner we had from the chip shop. I drank lots of water. I moved my body with the Wiifit. Although I did fail to do an island run. I tried but gave up at the end of the first sector. But you dont have to run to lose weight - you just need to walk an extra 2500 steps. Most of the excercise I do is more about staying flexible than anything else. But it all still uses calories and thats what counts.

So I am in a good frame of mind this morning - ready to deal with whatever life throws at me!

Good old Spark people

Your goals may not come easy. There is no accomplishment without work, and no "win" without something to beat. It's easy to get discouraged when roadblocks appear--in fact, it's only natural. You've invested time and emotion into creating the perfect plan, and then something has to come along and muck it all up. Sometimes, though, all you have to do to beat that barrier is to get back up and move forward again. Obstacles are like the Wizard behind the curtain--they're a lot less intimidating once you see them up close. Next time you take a step back, don't let guilt pile it on top of your previous "stumbles." Just take two steps forward and you're still farther along than you were before. It doesn't matter how many walls you face. You only have to get the better of that last one.

I know a lot about roadblocks!! One thing I know has changed has been the way I deal with problems and challenges. Instead of saying' why is life so unfair' I now say 'OK what can I do to solve this' Solving problems one at a time is the only way to deal with them

I am very tired today still and we havent gone to Burton. I'm not that unhappy about it. But I am worried about how tired I feel.One thing I have realised is I am VERY bad at relaxing. I listened to the CD this morning but my thoughts were racing a lot of the time. Most of it about whether I can cope with the hours I am working and what adjustments I can make to make it better.

If I cant relax properly I am always going to feel tired - so I need to deal with this. I need to keep practicing and improving my meditation technique. Find a good peice of music, find a mantra that suits me and practice practice practice......................

I ended up eating biscuits last night - bad move - but I didnt really binge - I just wasnt really hungry and I didnt eat them slowly.

I got up 6 hours ago and I have eaten a bacon sandwich a bowl of ceral and a banana. All eaten slowly all what I really wanted. I have alos drunk a fair bit - but not as much as I do at work. I still feel hungry. And that bothers me. I do feel stressed so is this emotional hunger?

I may just organise a 'binge banquet' for myself..................

The end of a tough week

I am so tired tonight. I know part of it because I slept so badly last night - but part of it is work induced. I really realised why I was so glad to give up full time work. I was so glad to walk out of the dispensary at 4.30 today.

I am a little concerned about my lack of stamina. But it is early days at RHH - and once I am more familiar with their procedures it wont be as bad. But I am beginning to wonder if 30 hours a week is too much with the traveling on top.

We are supposed to be going to Beer n Pretzels in Burton tommorrow and Sunday. Tony is very tired and at the moment doesnt want to go.Part of me hopes he doesnt change his mind becasue the thought of the 4 journeys is worrying me. I have to go to work on Monday - and I will still be tired if we go.

Unintentional sabotage

Thas what I managed yesterday - and this morning I am paying the price.

I went straight from work to see Edna, so didnt get home until 6.30. This put my whole evening activities back and disorganised me. It was past 9 when I felt motivated to do 20 minutes free stepping. Why did I chose 20 rather than 10? The net rrsult was I went to bed with my adrenaline levels still high from the excercise - and that meant I had my worst nights sleep for ages. At least I am assuming the late burst of excercise was the cause of my insomnia.

Whatever the reason I am sitting here this morning feeling totally yuck. Nothing helped last night. I couldnt even settle enough for 'I can make you sleep' to help me

So I am sitting here thinking 'Doh!' How silly of me

The good news is food went really well yesterday despite all the running around. I was hungry while driving oveer to Ed's but managed to consume an orange. I always have fruit with me to eat. I really enjoy fruit. When I got to Efna's I was offerred some cake - which I accepted becasue I was still hungry and BOY did I enjoy that cake. When I got home we had dinner but all I had was one small baked potato and a tablespoon of ravioli - and I couldnt eat all of it. Barely touched it because after a couple of moutfuls I knew I was full. A bit later on I felt hungry again and relished some cheese and krisprolls. That was about 8.00. I didnt have anything else to eat until this morning . I started my breakfast about 7.00. It is now 7.15 and I havent eaten half of it yet - and it was only a small bowlful anyway.

I didnt manage Pauls CD this morning but I have listened to two of the weight management/self image meditations on the learning meditation site.

For the first time since starting the new job I am feeling a bit panicky about finding the time to do all the non work related stuff like the letter I need to write to the DWP for Edna. This is because tonight we are at Andy's and we will be at Burton for Beer n Pretzels all weekend, then on Monday I am back at work. I am thinking - when will I get time if I dont do it this morning? But am I really in the best frame of mind to compose an official letter this morning?

The truth is the letter doesnt need to be done until next week and I am being very silly.

OK today has not had a good start - but that doesnt mean I am a bad person, and it doesnt mean I need to comfort eat. So I am not going to - so there!!

Time to turn on the Wii fit I think, OK I suspect my scores will not be brillant - but the calories dont the difference between a good score and a bad score - they get burnt up anyway.

For someone still half asleep I am being very VERY positive and dtermined. Much more than I would have expected. I think the daily meditation is showing its benefits

Control

I think 'control' is a key word for me - along with 'persistecce' Trouble is 'control' has bad connotations as in 'control freak' but a lack of control leads to disasater as in a car out of control.

I identifed years ago that I need to be in control of my life . This means any situation where I cannot control what happens - as is the case with Edna - can lead to stress. But having the maximum control where I can makes me feel good and helps me cope with the stress.

That is why I am determined to be in control of my health and that includes managing stress.

At the moment my stress managment is pretty good - whihc is why I feel chipper this morning.

Food went well yesterday
I drank water
I excercised
I meditated before I went ot sleep
I slept well

This morning I put on the wieght loss CD and relaxed so deep;y I fell asleep and only woke as Paul counted backwards at the end. In fact I woke at the count of 4;
I have done a 20 inute workout - slowly eating a banana between excercises. (I wasnt hungry when I started then realised I was and fancied a banana)
I am sending ove to myself by doing this blog - any excuse to write!

There are times when I wish the weight was visbly dropping off me - but I do take some inspiration from a fictional heroine.

Susan Howatch (one of my favourite authors) wrote a story called ' A woman of Integrity' The woman of the title (Alice) is unhappy and overweight and has a huge emotional eating problem. She is given the chance of new life and along the way gains a lot of self esteem thanks to the people in her new life. She doesnt diet - but ends up losing weight and getting a life she could never even have dreamed about.

In the book one of the other characters (a clergyman who works in a healing centre )tells her ' Maybe you dont need to diet - maybe you need to change your lifestyle ' Could there be anything more McKenna'ish?

OK silly to take inspiration from a fictional person - and there are lots of real people out there who can attest to the efficacy of Paul's method. But I cant identify with them the way I can with Alice.

So I am not going to worry about the freaky side of control and I will continue to do what works for me. So meditation gets a big thumbs up as a way to help even if it doesnt work for everyone.

Tony's sister is dreadfully unhappy at the moment and has a BIG weight problem. I have given her the link to the meditation site. I hope she will look at it because I do feel she needs some major stress relief systems or she will go under.

Now am I being (as I would like to think) a caring person trying to help or an incurable busy body who cant keep her nose out of other peoples business. I feel good when I am in a caring - role and I think I am good at it.It was one of the things I identified I wanted to do more of. So I will assume I am being caring and continue to try to help Margaret.

Anyway I am now feeling properly hungry so I must stop and go and eat.

Getting into a routine

I had a succesful meditation last night, and started my day today with the weight loss CD. The cats love my routine now because I get up and feed them before I settle down so I can guarantee they wont disturb me for that half hour.

Nothing to do with food directly - but I realised this morning as I walked downstairs that it has been weeks since I last hobbled downstairs one step at a time wincing with every step. I am not running like a gazelle - but I can walk down normally - if slowly. So the excercise routine is helping keep me flexible and mobile.

I managed 30 minutes of excercise yesterday including 3 very satsfying minutes of the boxing excercise. I am not doing so much stepping now. I reckon I get all the walking I need at work. It is at least 600 steps getting too and from the car to the department.


I did well with the golden rules yesteeday - not perfect but reasonable. I certainly drank more water both at work and overnight.

Yesterday the Wii fit asked me what I thought I weighed. I put in 14st which is too low. It told me I was almost spot on. I know the figure is too low - but it is reassuring that it isnt telling me I am massively underestimating my wwight. Next time I am going to put in about 13 and a half stone and see what it says. I think as long as you are within half a stone it will respond with being almost 'spot on' Is that cheating and breakig Paul's 'dont weigh yourself' rule?

The figures still worry me - I may as well admit that. I look at all the photos of me full body and cringe. Thats why my profile pics on FB dont show my body. I think I have to accept I dont love myself enough yet. The fantastic guided meditation I did last night may help me change that tho. I hope so.

End of day 2

My evening meditation is done with help from a website - so I have my laptop upstairs with me so I can give a quick report on the day - which apart from dreadful parking problems went OK.

Food also went OK - but sticking to the rules at work IS tricky. I take plenty of healthy finger food with me so if I get hungry before lunch I can nibble something. So I will have cereal bars and fruit . I take lunch with me - and have to guess what I may fancy. It usueally isnt too difficult as I try to vary it. Sandwiches opne day, soup and bread the next, left over dinner an another day

I think variety is the key.

But with iny 30 inutes for lunch I dont have to do much except eat!! Eatiung slowly doesnt leave time for anything else.

It would be easy to blame being at work for me falling off the prgaramme sometimes - but the programme is meant to help you chnage your relationcship with food not run your life you. I am running my life thank you very much. My weight problems and my alcoholic ex have both run my life very badly in the past - now I am in the driving deat and I am NOT moving over much as I respect Pauls programme!!

Ready for day 2

Yesterday went well. I'm not sure how long I will want to stay at RHH but I dint want to run away screaming.

I am so far maintaining my new discipline of listening to I can make you thin in the mornings. It helps that I have so much time in the mornings to do everything - but I do always wake early so that shouldn't be a problem even if I have to leave earlier than I do now.

Food went OK yesterday - until late last night when biscuits crept in again. I am still concerned how I can keep to the rules when I have a rigidly enforced restricted lunch time - but I am only in the dpeartment for 6 and a half hours a day so it shouldnt be impossible.Yetsredays triumph was my inability to finish my dinner. I left nearly a third of my portio of pizza

I know I didnt drink as much water as I should have done yestreday. I need to get a bottle and keep it with me in the dispensary.

I need to think hard about what I am going to take with me for lunch today . It is tricky predicting what you may fancy to eat in 6 hours time.

I woke very hungru this morning so I've had something to eat - and still feel hungry. But I am going to drink and work out and then see how I feel.

I feel positive about things even though I can't tick off all of Pauls questions for yesterday. I meditated before I went to sleep last night . I'm still not very good at it - but practice makes perfect. Or as I commenetd a few days ago - persistence is the key to success.

Continiuing change

Well today sees the next phase of my life - working somewhere other than QE/SOH. I am not nervous - possibly because I am not having to rush thanks to the late start time. As long as I dont waste time this morning I have to do everything I need to and still leave in plenty of time to be early. I alwasy allow more time on the first day to allow for getting lost and having trouble parking.

I listened to the weight loss CD before I got up.

I am eating my breakfast (1 weetabix with a cut up orange and plain yoghurt - all sweetened with some sugar) And I am enjoying it. My next move will be a Wii fit work out .

I feel quietly confident that everything is under control - mainly because I did so well with food yesterday - although to be fair I wouldnt have won any awards for the healthiness of the food. But that was because I didnt have a proper meal. I fancied some bread and cheese when we got in from the car boot sale - and I just never felt hungry after that.

The other reason I think I feel so confident is that I meditated last night. I think the discipline of daily meditation is one way to feel in control - and it certainly helps me to relax.

So I feel ready for whatever today is going to throw at me - and I am confident I can meet all the challenges.

Later.

I am due at work in a little under 2 hours, so I have loads of time. I have put the washing machine and the dishwasher on . My lunch and everything I need for work is packed, and I am dressed and ready (even raring!!) to go. This is GREAT organisation - and I know this is what is needed .

The power of the mind

I had a great food day yesterday - and I can only attribute that to the amazing power of the mind as Paul's CD has become of my daily routine again.

Yesterday I could not finish my dinner. In fact half of my delicious pork steak with chinese marinade is in the fridge - along with the salad I also couldn't eat.

This morning I have already had 2 drinks , done a 15 minute workout and am only now sitting down to have my breakfast - which I am eating slowly.

Next weekend is the Beer 'n Pretzels gaming weekend. Gaming conventions always mean one thing - junk food. I can now contemplate without thinking 'Thats going to ruin my diet' I have the confidence that as long as I stick to Paul's golden rules I wont sabotage my goals.

I've got X-weighted on in the background and just seen how devastated the girl was when she had put on 3 lbs for one weigh-in - despite the fact that she knew she looked good and had a lot more confidence. She is now struggling with the final fitness and is now devastated because she hasn't reduced her time to complete it by much. Despite the fact that she does now weigh as lot less and looks and feels much better than when she first started the programme. That is a graphic illustration of why Paul advises us not to let ourselves be rules by numbers.

I will give the trainer credit. he has jst told her not to let one day wipe out all the progress she has made in 6 months.

She has just said 'I am sick of worrying about the number on the scales' QED

According to actuarial tables, and the Wii fit ,my ideal weight is 8st 7 lbs. My answer to that quite rude, 2 words the second being 'off'. Yes I would be delighted if I got down to that weight - but I know exactly what I want to do. I want to lose the fat round my hips. I want to be able to look in the mirror and NOT be reminded of a beached whale when I look at my hips.

Being in control

I finally feel as if I am back in control of my life - and that measn I will be more in control of my food.

I have a permanent booking from Monday. 30 hours a week at Russells Hall Hospital. The downside is the traveling and the hours. It is 17 miles away from me and they want me to do 10.00 until 4.30 with a half hour lunch. Of course this means I will miss the worst of the rush hour - but it does mean the whole of the day is taken with travel and work. This doesnt leave much time for Edna during the week - but I will have to see how it goes.

On the plus side the laet start will give me the me time I need to keep in control of things.

I have discovered listening to trance CD's on a CD player with speakers is much nicer than an MP3 player with earphones. So this morning I listened to 'I can make you thin' on my new DAB radio/clock/CD player . I still have problems with visualisations but I trust Paul when he says all you have to do is listen the CD and follow the 4 golden rules. So that is what I will do. I will 'listen repeatedly and practice tenaciously' As I reminded myself the other day persistence is the key to success in every area of life.

I did 10 minutes unguided meditated last night before going to bed. I managed to buy myself some prayer beads yesterday and used those as a focus for the mantra. There are some weight loss meditations on the site I found. I will probably use them sometimes. I know the CD is a sort of meditation - but it is very guided. I think some meditation at night to help me relax and sleep and Pauls CD when I wake up to keep on track with food sounds a good plan.

Food yesterday went OK. We went to Marion's for the game lasy night with a whole bag of snack food - and all I had was one cereal bar.This morning I woke hungry and have already had breakfast (eaten slowly of course) and I still feel hungry. But I will have a drink do some yoga and then see how I feel.

I went clothes shopping yesterday and was so pleased when I found I could get into size 18 skirts and size 20 trousers. And this was ordinary store sozes not Evans sizes. I could nearly get into sixe 18 trousers as well. I wasn't too happy with my reflection in the changing room mirror while I was getting changed tho. But in the clothes I looked ok. I really DO want to look great naked. Maybe that is what I should focus on.

I think its time to do something I havent done for a long time - Pauls questions from the 90 day success journal. So yetserday

I ate when I was hungty
I ate what I wanted
I ate slowly - but possibly not as slowly as I should have done
I stopped before I was full - well most of the time I did. I certainly didnt stuff myself
I moved my body (yoga and step plus on the Wii fit)
I didnt drink water .
I listened to the CD
I didnt conciously do the mirror excercise but generally when I look in a mirror I can smile at my refelction. Even in the changing room I managed to do that. That was the one time when I conciousaly DID resist the tempation to think negative thoughts.

There is one more but I can't remember what it is Oops.

I think today will be my 90th day using the Wii fit. That was one motivation to get going with Pauls programme again. And I know I have lost weight since I started it. So I guess I would deserve the round of applause Paul speaks about on the last journal entry.

I have lost half a stone in 90 days. Not spectacular - but considering for most of the 90 days I havent been at work and have been less active than I normally would its not bad. Also I know how badly I have done with the golden rules at times.

I think the one major change I need to make is to use the tapping technique to resist the urge to snack sometimes. I think the otjher thing I need to do is remind myself that half a stone in 3 months is 2 stone in a year. I coud live with that. I may never end up as a star 'inspirational' story anywhere but maybe thats because I don't need to be .

Someone is looking after me

Yesterday ended up being a good day - not perfect but good.

OK Food. I got a new copy of Paul's book yesterady. I optimisitically hoped it might contain the new improved CD I heard about - but I dont think it does. You have to pay nearly 50.00 to get the 5 CD set. I may treat myself - but I am not sure. The book has been updated - at least there is stuff in it that I dont remember. I am hoping it will re-energise me. I am also hoping the CD may have been changed as well. I will isten to that today.

As far as yesterdays food goes well I have mastered eating what you want when you are hungry, but I am really focussing again on slow eating.

It is begginig to look as if I will be back to work soon as well. I am still hoping PPLS will get back to me about this 20 hour a week placment- but if they don't I think it will be their loss becasue HPA contacted me yesterday to find out of I was working (Doh - have they given me a booking? No so how could I be working) and they have a placment at Russels Hall. I think they want full time but Iive made it plain my max is 30 hours Anthony has had chicken pox and is now on leave whihc explains why he didnt answer my e-mail. Russels Hall isnt my ideal placement - but I will give it a go if thats all that on offer and see how it goes. What do you bet Emily will also contact me and ask if I'm available too? The disafvantage of PPLS is that I dont know if I can use an umbrella PAYE firm. But my work and finance concerns are on the wain.

Edna's situation is also becomeing more stable.

One thing that didnt go well yesterday was I was so tired I went ot bed early and didnt meditate. However my life works out meditation will be a good idea . I am going to treat myself to some prayer beads to use as a focus and want to see if I can find some meditative music. Perferably it will be free and online - but I will happily pay for a CD, and I need somewhere to store CD's in the bedroom. So that is a good excuse to go shopping!

Today has had a better start . I dont feel hungry - so I havent had breakfast. My next move wil be to do a workout - then I think I may try some meditation . I think some meditation as part of my morning routine could be useful.

Although my life is getting sorted out there are still a lot of uncertainities. Having a defined morning routine that focusses on my health and well being is one way I can feel more in control and keep on top of issues like my weight.

A much better day

Yesterday wasnt perfect by a long way - but I do feel mUCH better this morning than I did yesterday - despite the continuing hunger which is still with me as I make this entry! I think the hunger may IBS related. Like a lot of people with IBS I also siffer from heartburn. I have had a lot of heartburn recently -bad enough that I have out myself back on my medication. I think the heartburn is the source of the hungry feeling. So with any luck and a following a few days of Lansoprazole for the heartburn and Movicol for the complete lack of action at the other end of my intestines will solve the problem.

Of course stress is probably a large factor in all this and I amtaking steps to deal with my stress better. Last night I decided to try classic meditation (cross legged with a mantra) with no guidance as to how long I meditated for. I did 5 minutes which delighted me. I expected only to manage 2 or 3 minutes.

I had two bits of good news yesterday. One related to Edna and the other was an email from a locum agency advertisng a 3 -6 month placement of 20 hours a week - and they want a pharmacist with hospital experience. i rang up yesterday and they were supposed to ring me back - but didnt. I will ring them again this morning because if ever a locum position had my name on it its that one - unless the agency is inundated with hospital pharmacists who are not after full time work. I am trying NOT to get my hopes up - but it would ideal for me - and the timing is just right because I havent heard anything from either my old hodpital or the other agency,

My workout yesterday focussed more on yoga yesterday - and I think I will keep that emphasis for the time being. It fits with the idea of meditation and stress relief. Also the yoga keeps me flexible which at my age is important.

Food wasnt perfect - but not a total disaster. I have decided the next time I sert a Wiifit goal I will set a realy wimpy - then it will tell me when I have reached it and tell me to set a new one. So if I set a goal of a pound in 3 months I will basically eb told every time a lose a pound. It sounds like a plan to me!

I have a busy day today. I need to do some shopping, I am seeing Edna and her psychiatrist today, and then I am going to see my new godson for the first time. (Must remember the camera). I need to ring the agency about that placement and I would like a bath and a chance to relax with CYLI7D.

The guided meditations I found online at www.learningmeditation.com where very reminiscent of the stuff in Pauls trances. they even have weight loss meditations. But if I hadnt experienced Paul's programmes I dont think i would find them very useful. So I want to gen up on Pauls stuff as a basis for future meditations both guided by the site and unguided. The site medoyayions have the advantage of being short - the longest as 10 minutes. They fit into a busy day much easier than the 30 minute trances.

Bon voyage Sharon - hope the trip to Oz goes well. I will keep trying and keep blogging and will look forward to your comments when you are back online

Later........


After a soak with CYLI7D I was reminded that failure is what happens when you stop trying . I realised this could be applied to my weight loss goal. Essentially every time I fail I learn more about myself - and this increases the chance that I will succeed in the end. I found myself thinking - the secret of success is persistence. I came downstairs, opened my mailbox and found this from Sparkpeople

We keep hearing about how persistence is often the key to success. But what do you do when you've been striving for so long that it seems like your goal is never going to see light? How do you deal with the fear that you're about to fail? Simple. Give it just one more shot. And then one more. Think about the sweat and time you've committed already. You've come this far, you'd be unfair to yourself if you quit without a fight. Even if the odds are way out of your favor and you can't see how it can possibly help, reach out and take one last swing. You never know what will happen. Big, meaningful achievements don't just happen when everything goes your way. How many times have you seen tennis players make miraculous winning shots while lunging for a ball that seemed impossible to reach? Sometimes, you can find victory in the effort.

Someone is sending me a message - and I am istening with both ears - because this lesson can be applied in so many areas of my life.

I have just rung the agency - and the person who didn't ring me back DOES know I am interested in that placemnt and WILL get back to me. I have a good feeling about that placement. If its in South Birmingham I know its got my name on it

Improving

I managed to avoid bingeing on biscuits yesterday - hooray
I manged to take some decsions and act on them yesterday - hooray
I started meditation yesterday. I have decided it could be useful in a number rof ways. I have foubd a site that provides guided meditation and used it last night. I am aiming to do 10 minutes a day at least. Big hooray

So thats 3 cheers for me yesterday then - proving I'm not such a loser/ failure after all. It also shows I am still in charge of my life.

Apart from avoiding bingeing I didnt feel good about food yesterday - but now I am more in control I should do better today. But I went o bed hungry last night and I have woken hungry this morning. Last night I think was emotional hunger. This morning its real hunger so I'd better go and do something about it.

Later.........

I've been thinking about time. Recently there was an item in the news about some people who were promoting the idea of slowing down and NOT rushing around all day. I hope they suceed. Then time is a factor in how I feel about myself. I need to take time to eat my food slowly. I know I appreciate my food more when I have put time into preparing it. I have found time to do a daily workout. I now need to find time to meditate every day. I have given up full time work so I have time for Edna.............

I realised many months ago I found rushing to do things very stressful. I think this is why I feel pulled to the idea of meditation. Paul uses a quote he attributes to Ghandi ' I have so much to do today I will have to meditate twice as long '

I'm not sure where all this is going - but I am sure it is important.

I have eaten breakfast - slowly - but am still sitting here ravenously hungry. This muct be emotional hunger. I have just had coffee apple juice and 2 weetabix with a kiwi fruit and yoghurt. It cant be real hunger. So I must try to identify the emotion driving the hunger and deal with it.

Arrgghhh

Its 3.00pm and I still feel like sh*t. Listless, demotivated and outrageously hungry. I have so far managed to avoid bingeing.

I have done a workout - but it was a struggle - and I didn't do my normal 30 minutes. I just about managed to do 25.

I've managed to sort out some of the business that needed doing - and been over to see Edna with Steve so I'm not sitting here totally lethargic - it isnt all bad news.

I can't decide if I need to kick myself up the backside - or pamper myself to cheer myself up.

A VERY bad day yesterday

There is no other way to describe my eating yesterday as bingeing. I ate so many biscuits - and I dont know why.

And boy am I paying it for today in sluggishness and lethargy, very poor self image and IBS . I am sitting here with my mug of coffee, no desire to eat at all, having had to take 2 Movicol sachets.

Hopefully that will encourage my bowels to get moving, now all I have to do is find a way to encourage myself to get moving and get back on track.

I feel so ashamed of myself becasuse I cant even use the excuse of comfort eating. I wasnt stressed yesterday - well no more than normal, What I mean is there was no unusual cause of stress. Maybe it was because I knew I needed to do things but couldnt because of the bank holiday. So maybe my best course of action is just to get those things done as quickly as possible.

I will have a better day today. I am not giving up on the programme

Trying to relax

It is diffucult at times. But I am trying to relax today. I feel tired and sluggish. I;ve eaten breakfast and still feel very hungry so I'm going to have to have something else to eat before I try doing my workout. This is NEVER a good start to the day. And I think its because I broke one of the golden rules . I was toying with the idea of cooking myself an egg for breakfast - fried egg on toast to be exact. But I had my usual ceral with a healthy smoothie as an appetiser. (Apple juice, fresh pinapple and pear). I enjoyed it very much.But maybe I would have been better with the egg!

I'm so glad I dont have to face work tomorrow - but I do hope something turns up soon.

A new way to make money?

I am really tired this morning depsite being in bed and asleep by 10.00 last night and not getting up until 7.00 this morning.

We has a succesful car boot yesterday and cleared 50.00 profit. At a time when I am concerend about my potential for an income from pharmacy to top up my pension, maybe I need to think about other ways of earning money.

Regular car boots would be one thing we could both do - and give Tony some sort of income stream as well - which would please him. I do sometimes worry about his lack of a job. But he is getting a kick out of the tiny amounts he earns on line. As long as we have internetless friends, Tony will continue to buy stuff on line for them - and make a mark up. usually only a couple of pounds a time but it all adds up. And he was well pleased with his 25.00 yesterday.

But realisticaly I would like more than that . But maybe I need to prioritise my wants and needs and decide excatly how importantt the money I can earn is. I do know we can't afford to live on JUST my pension while I have a mortgage, so for the next 7 years I need to earn enough to enable us to live and maybe stash away something to increase my income when I fully retire. Lcoumming would do that and more....much more! But in my grand scheme I did flirt with the idea of finding other ways to earn money.

All this has been stimulated by another reflective piece from spark people

Thinking for yourself in the face of doubt

If you accept someone else's idea of reality and personal limits, you'll have no control over your own destiny. You can only go as far as that view will let you. Do you normally accept things as they are, or do you ask "why" and "what if"? Being an individual and thinking for yourself--even while others are calling you crazy--takes courage. For many, trying a new perspective is scary. But if we always stick to the familiar, the known, we never grow and learn. Don't be afraid to go against the grain. Ask the tough questions that everyone else is afraid to ask. Try a new way to do the same thing just to see what happens. We guarantee you that the world won't end. You'll see solutions that nobody else would see if they're all looking at a problem the same way. Practice new ways to combine unrelated objects. After all, somebody had to try peanut butter and jelly for the first time.


I DO have doubts about whether I did the right thing when I retired, there is no doubt my employment prospects have not emerged as solidly as I thought they would. But this piece did jolt me into s new way of thinking. I have highlighted the relevant sentence. Maybe I am eing too scared to step out of my comfort zone?

One thing I have no doubt sbout is that I could not have continued working full time within the NHS - or anywhere else for that matter.

I believe I am being given this time without work to explore other opportunities. I need to be open to what may come along. So I have no doubts we will be doing more car boot sales!! But if locum work is offered it will be accepted like a shot.

But I may well take some of this spare time and get writing again - outside the blog .

Oh well time to turn on the Wii fit.

A busy day ahead

We are at a car boot sale this morning making another attempt to clear some of the clutter from Alan's house. I am still tired from decorating yesterday - but hooray hooray the liviing room is finished - all bar a little touching up here and there.

I am still not succedding brilliantly with food. I am trying to slow my eating right down again and failing, I am still not drinking enough water, but I reckon I am being controlled enough to at least continue the slow weight loss I have been managing so far. But I wont be putting weight on - at least I dont think so.

Psycholoigically I would love to break through the 13st barrier. I have been 14st something for years. But I am now much MUCH closer to being 13st something than ending up 15st something. It would mean so much to me to get through that barrier. I know I wont reach my Wiifit goal weight - which is 13st 6 in about 6 weeks - but 13st 13 would do me - and that IS acheivable. So I will keep that in mind . OK I know what Paul would say about having a weight fugure in my head - but that is what I need to motivate me I think. I cant visualize a thinner me.

I am not doing too bad today. I havent eaten yet becasue I am not hungry. But I am going to be busy all morning so I do need to take that into acount.

I have just under 90 minutes to get myself up a dressed ,the goods and the table into the car, get Tony up (that could be tricky!!) and get us up to the site for 9.00 so we can set up. I do not have time to sit around blogging!

Supporting family

We had some very sad news yesterday. Mark (Tony's nephew) and Caroline had a baby a year ago born prematurely who sadly died a year ago today. She had another baby 3 months ago - also born prematurely who died yesterday.

I cannot imagine the trauma and gried they must be going through. I dont know them that well because Mark has been a bit of a wild child and Tony fell out with him when he stole money from Tony's grandmother. Also he and Caroline are shall we say playing the benefit system - something I dont approve of. But I wouldnt wish this tragedy on my worst enemy.

My main role in this is to be an agony aunt to Mark's Aunty Margaret (Tony's sister) who has for all sorts of reasons got very involved in all this. Also I think the Carol (Mark's mother) and Sheila (The babies great gransmother - Tomy's mother) may well need some support. Tony doesn't seem too affected by it and I guess his man concern will be Carol.

Its a good job I am an inveterate busy body who cant resist trying to help people isnt it!

Food went OK yesterday - although I have realised my water consumtion has dropped right off. I must make a renewed effort with that today.

Today I need to sort out a problem with Edna, try to get the decorating finished in Steve's main room (including getting some more paint) and I need to sort out the stuff for the car boot sale tomorrow.

I feel very tired still and I know if I was back to work next Tuesday (Monday is a bank holiday) I would be seriously worried how I would cope. But actually I am not coping too badly with everything. I did my workut late yestertday (and got the comment form the Wii fit 'were you busy yesterday?' Yes I was!!! I've missed 1 day in 84! Its the best excercise schedule I've ever had) I will be doing my workout in a few minutes.

I have already had breakfast - I am slightly on auto pilot becasue I wasn't that hungry - but I have eaten it slowly and managed to leave some = so I've made a reasonable start today despite feeling tired - and I am certainly up early . Its not even 7.30 yet.

I have a lot to do today - but I have a plan in my head and that is always a good thing.