Keeping in touch with myself?

I have had a reccurring dream the past few days. Some sort of machine is trying to tell me something about me, but it doesn't recognise I am me. Could there be a clearer sign that I need to take time for my own needs amid my current problems? That could well be at the root of the emotional hunger I am aware of feeling at the moment.

OK I kept a food diary for yesterday and it was pretty interesting when I reviewed it.


10.30 Sultana bran and some grapefuit segments (just over 100 cals)
11.00 One slice of wholemeal toast with lighrt oilive oild sread and marmalade (150 ish)

1.40 2 breadsticks (150) (while I was waiting for lunch to be ready) then 2 smallish sausage rolls (100) 1 peaer (70)

5.00 Cherry Bakewell (205 calories)

6.00 Roast pork, roast potatos, brocoli, butternut squash stuffing and gravy. Followed by a pear,I estimate about 600 maxiumum for that meal.

9.00 Cheese and crackers (about 200 calories)

So breakfast was 250, lunch was 320, dinner was 600 and the two snacks were abut 400. That adds up to less than 1800. OK I know I haven't included which were coffes with skimmed milk of tea with lemon, some sugar free lemonade and one scotch as a night cap say another 200 calories (but half a pint skimmed milk for drinks was never counted in the old calorie counting days. It was always 'milk from allowance!)

I remember Paul saying in his book that keeping people on less than 1500 calories was regarded as 'torture' at some point because it wasn't possible to live healthily on so few calories.It was a starvation diet. The old 1500 calories a day plus treats that used to be the standard way back when was probably OK ish. But I remember I used to be so glad if my total fopr the day was under 1000 calories whihc I now know was SO wrong.

So what has this retrospective taught me about my eating habits?
1) That as long as I follow the guidelines for healthy eating I won't go far wrong calorie wise.
2) I need to be sure I am eating enough. I think my food choices are sunconciously based on trying for an intake of around 1000 calories.
3) I think I need to ensure I have enough essential fat in my diet. I certainly have room for the calories amd that may enable me to reduce my snacking on fundamentally ubhealthy foods that contain the worst sorts of fats (biscuits, cherry bakewells, cookies) I'm guessing my desire for these foods is a signal of some sort from my body
4) I have room to have sugar not sugar substitute on things .

I have just had breakfast and to be honest I didn't enjoy it much becasue the weetabix went very soggy in grapefruit juice. The tase was great. I enjoyed the sharp grapefruit taste - but it would have been better with more crunch. I should have used yoghurt instead.The textiure of food is something I never realised was important to me until I started Paul's programme. Sloppy food is impossible to munch and savour. I've noticed I now cook vegetables less sothey have more crunch in them. Mind you not ALL sloppy foods are bad. I can savour every spoonful of delicious sugar sweetened porridge with no problem at all!

I'm not doing too well with getting into a routine ready for work. I have a week to sort that out - and this week I will do it. To get to QE on time for work I need to leave about 8.15 to make sure I catch the 8.45 hospital transport from Selly Oak to QE in time for a 9.00 start. The 8.15 start will be the same whether I walk or use the car - now that is something to think about. Anyway that means I need to be ready by 8.00 which means getting up at 6,30 to allow time to wash dress excercise have breakfast and prepare my lunch. That timetable also gives me lost of slack in the system to allow for things going wrong. If I prepare lunch the night before or have lunch readfy prepared in the freezer that will allow me some 'quiet' time too.

I was awake at 6 ish today and used it grab some quiet time - but fell alseep again while doing so and didn't get up until well gone 7. Sleep is something I still haven't sorted out and really MUST deal with.

I really do stand on the verge of the newest phase of my life - and I am quite excited and feel positive about things . My role with respect to Edna may well be more radical than I ever expected in the light of her diagnosis but it was somethign I had allowed for in the vision of my new life. So the whole 'shattering diagnosis' thing isn't really forcing me into a re-think of my new life goals. I just have to adjust priorities for a bit.