Blogging for therapeutic reasons

Its a bad sign when I post twice in one day. I am very tired, still got the tail end of my cold, have slight IBS flare up and am feeling very down . I haven't been sleeping well lately and I think it is catching up with me. I may resort to medication tonight.

Work is going OK but I am so glad I leave at 3.30. I couldn't cope with working a full day. But as that is now all I get paid for ....well who cares. I don't feel at ALL guilty when I down tools and walk out of the dispensary even if the trays are full of work.

I am controlling food OK and resisting the urge to comfort eat. I have just refused a biscuit even though I am hungry. I will make myself something nce and fruity in a bit.

I am not sure I will do my free stepping today - but I have done a lot of walking at work.

I just hope I sleep well tonight and feel better in the morning.

I am definitely down - but not out. Tomorrow WILL be a better day....... I hope

The golden rules re-visited

The boost I got yesterday when I realised I HAD actually lost a fair amount of weight got me thinking abput Paul's rules again. I think I need to take a look at how well I am following them.

Eat when you are hungry - well derrrr! simple to say AND do. And even if you are resticted by break times this isn't that difficult .

Eat what you want. Again this is fairly easy. I was hungry when I had my coffee break so treated myself to a chocolate brownie. When I had my lunch about an hour later I could only eat one of my sandwiches. The other is still in the fridge for another day! And instead of the spaghetti bolognaise I had originally suggested for dinner we had corned beef and bubble and squeak. I realised I didn't really fancy spag bol. If I hadn't chnaged my mind I wouldn't have really enjoyed the meal and I would have eaten it too fast.

Eat slowly. This can be tricky when you are on a tight schedule. But although I suspect paul would say I am still eating too fast, I am eating slower than I used to - a LOT slower. But weating slowly is impossible unless you are truly enjoying your food.

Stop before you are full and leave some food on the plate. This is a tough one especially when you are NOT in a position to eat something haf an hour or an hour later due to work schedules. But I always have fruit with me as a quick snack - and I always enjoy fruit.

Monday evenings is games evening. I do have a tendency to snack so biscuits and a packet crips did get eaten - and if I'm honest I wasn't really hungry - but I did eat them slowly.

I think my feeling that weight loss will happen easier now I am back at work is right. I have been counting steps as I walk around the hopsital and I easily clocked up over a 1000. Add in the 2000 I take getting too and from the car to the shuttle bus and the 2400 I clock up on the free stepping and I am WAY over Pauls suggested 2500 steps (the difference between the average steps fat person and a thin person)

I think I am doing OK. And work is helping not hindering my drive for health.

Anway I am staring at the not quite empty cereal bowl and realising I will be late for work if I don't start getting dressed soon. So the cereal bowl will NOT be cleared and I must go and shower

A new week

I wish I could say I am starting the new week galvanised - but I'm not. My cold is getting me down, I didn't sleep well and I feel at a very low ebb.

I just hope my morning routine will energize me.

Later

I did my morning routine and DO feel better but more importantly I decided to check my BMI and weight from the first time I did them. I was delighted to find out that I have lost 5lbs in 7 weeks. OK not quite a pound a week - but pretty close. And that does make me feel better about myself. OK I know I shouldn't be obsessed with fugures, and my self belief should come from within not without but having a concrete proof of movement towards a goal is always good for the ego. I also feel I could quite eaily walk to work if I wanted to. I can't because I don't know if Edna will be sent home today or not but I know I could. I will aim to walk to work at least once a week as long as I am at QE or SOH

Coping with a cold and stress

My cold has come out full tilt over the weekend. Blocked nose, sneezes the full monty. So I haven't really felkt like excercising much. But I did do 30minjtes free stepping yesterday. And I MAY do something tonight.

The stress is the obvious source (see my OTHER blog )

But this morning I did the body test again - this time at about the same time as I did it a couple of weeks ago. I have lost a 1lb and my Wii fit bosy age is now 36. So I am doing something correct.

Food today has been funny becasue of my cold. I did myself breakfast when I got up - then decided I wasn't hungey and didn't eat it. A bit later when Tony was awake I had a bacon and egg sandwich - and loved it. I even left some of it.

I did have a larhe chocolate cookie after I got home from the hospital - but I was hungry, it was what I wanted and I ate it slowly. Dinner was beef with all the trimmings and I couldn't finish my dinner.

I have been eating slowly - but I think I have been eating when I wasn't really hungry. How much my lack of hunger is due to my cold I don;t know. But I do feel I have learned a valuable lesson over this wekend.

Having left half my dinner I am still peckish - but I dont want the dinner. When I know what I want - I will get it.

I am so glad I don;t have to work beyond 3.30 anymore. If I was still woring full days I know I wouldn;t make it tommorrow. As it is I know I will mange until 3.30. No doubt Edna's discharge will bring a new domension into my week - regiular trips toMosley (12 miles round trip) will take longer than tvisiting her in hospital. But that will be the final part of my new life falling into place I suppose.

All in all depsite the cols I DO feel in control of things - and vert pleased by both the weight loss and my falling Wii fit age. So I actually feel I am coping quite qell

Thoroughly fed up

I did the Wii fit body test today and according to it I have put ON weight. Not much but I certainly haven't lost the 4 1lb I need to have lost to acheive my goal. I could cry. OK it told me that this body test was 4 hours earlier in the day than my last and that this could affect the result. And I know that from my old dieting days anyway. The books always said to weigh yourself at the same time each day same clothes blah blah blah.

However I dress it up in 7 weeks I have stayed static Something is going wrong and I have to identify where. Obviosuly I have been dishonest with myself somewhere along the line because my calories in roughly equal calories out despite the increase in excercise so I have got to identify where the calories in are too much and how to deal with it.

I was on the right lines when I said yesterday I tought I needed to go back to basics with Paul's programme. I know the programme works. Clearly in some way I am not following the programme. What is worse I am fooling myself that I am.

The good news is my Wii fot age has come down from 46 ro 42 so the fitness workout is having an effect and I am still pretty fit for my age.

I will try the body test again tommorrow but this time at the same time as I did it before and se what sort of a difference it makes. It says it can make up to 3lb - and I know the Wii fit isn't that sensitive to small weight changes .

I am dissappointed but not giving up

Feeling lousy

The threatened cols has turned into a real one with a blocked nose and a temperature. Yesterday I ended up snacking on biscuits so I don;t feel too pleased with myself. But one bad day isn't going to ruin everything. And I am unsure where sucking thraot sweets fits into the plan - calorie wise awful - but they did help me feel better.

I have decided to go RIGHT back to basics with Pauls programme and slow my eating right down. It has speeded up although it is still nowhere as fast as it used to be. So I am going to concentrate on that aspect for a few days. I also need to drink more water. That is the other thing that has slipped. Everything else is going well.

I always knew going back to work would put a strain on my adherence to the programe. Eating when you are hungry doesn't fit well into a day when you have to have your lunch break at a set time. And I hasve scuppered mytself a little by only taking a 30 minute lunch break. But I will cope. The ggod news is QE already want me for an extra week and Emily is sure they will want to keep me on after that as well. My total income after tax now I am retired is going to be HIGHER than my income when I was working full time.

This morning I do NOT feel like rushing around. But I have done a 15 minute workout (Yoga and muscle) I am eating my breakfast SLLLOOOOOWWWLLLLYYYYY. Mind you tasting it at the moment is a bit tricky I will concentrate on doing the essentials to get myself ready for work

Jane (my sister) suprised me yesterday. She is folllowing my Alzheimer blog so she knows what is going on and knows I am under pressure. She sent me a book by Jonathon Aitken of all people called 'Psalms for people inder pressure' I was very touched .

Obliquely that gesture made me reflect on my ideas of how people see me and I realise I still have a problem with my self image - but I will deal with that in time. When I am condifent my OUTER image is slimmer I know it will be easier to get my self image into line

Getting settled in

I am getting settled in to a new routine. However things have slightly marred by me ciming down with a cold. I just hope it doesn't amount to much. I have a dry tickly throat, watery eyes and a slightly blocked nose. It seems I have been away from QE for long enough to lose immunity. This feels very like 'new starter' illness. Ah well .

I rrally do love my Macbook. It is so small and has such a long battery life it is totally practical to do what I am doing this morning. I woke early and rather than get up I have brought coffee and laptop back to bed so I can do things.

I continue to be bouyed up by the way people greet me at QE if they haven't seen me for a long time. If Emily wanted to keep me at QE I do think it would be OK. I think the depression I felt on Monday was just tiredness. Everyone seems to assume that I will be kept on in some way - but I will just have to wait and see. I am quite looking foreward to the challenge of the next 2 days - 5 wards single handed.

I did 30 minutes free stepping yesterday evening so I am keeping my average up at well over 30 minutes. I haven't missed a day in 7 weeks - and I do feel the benefit in my back and my knees. I am much less creaky. Bending down to pick up the cat bowls first thig used to be painful.Now I don't notice it.

I just hope I can use visualisations to help me deal with this pesky cold

Back to insomnia

It is stupidly early o'clock and I've given up any hope of sleeping any more so I am trying to be productive.

The insomnia wasn't worry induced. I still feel quite positive about how things are going.

I managed food well yesterday, I did 35 minutes on the Wii fit . The 20 minutes free step energised me in the evening. I looked in the mirror and thought my wasit was better defined than it had been. I have decided to do another body test at the weekend i.e. after a week back at work when I know my excrecise levels will have increased.

I am scared I still won't be losing much weight - but I know I am fitter. I no longer feel creaky when I get up in the mornings.My back has stood up very well to all the strain I have put on it recently. Yesterday I felt mentally I could have walked to work. As there are parking problems I may well get the bus today which will increase my walking anyway.

Things are ticking along OK and I am quitly confident that things will work out OK in the long term

A timely reflection

This came into my mailbox yesterday. It is quite apt and useful for me at the moment

Often in moments of discouragement or depression, it's easy to feel that your life is going nowhere or that change is impossible. But it's simply not true! Take a minute to think back over your life. Chances are, you'll see a lot of growth in all of your formative areas. From childish playing, to youthful impulsiveness and adult reasoning, life sure has taken you on a rollercoaster hasn't it? When you were young, someone probably asked you what you wanted to be when you grew up. If someone posed that same question to you now, what would you say? Let this reflection be an indicator of your dreams.

I surviced yesterday at work, managed to do everything outside work that needed to be done, and didn't lose control of food of my fitness regimen. I even did 20 minutes free stepping in the evening.

But I went o bed so depressed. I still feel down this morning

I know part of it is tiredness, part of it is anxiety about the future (Edna and my work situation) but I am worried part of it may be due to being back at QE. I am also worried about whether I actually will cope with the work QE have hired me to do. It turns out that on Thursday and Friday instead of working with another pharmacist to cover the neurology wards, I will be the ONLY pharmacist since Andrew leavses at 3 on Wednesday to fly to Australia and Rosemarie won;t be back until Monday. Well at least I know why they wanted ME to cover these 3 weeks. They needed someone who could just slot in without much training. That is a complement to me and it should give me some hope that Emily does in fact realise I AM the sort of pharmacist she needs to keep around. She is back today so I may well find out more since she is sure to come and find me.

But there is no doubt QE does have a very depressing effect on me. That was partly why I accepted this work. I wanted to find out if I could cope with ward based work, and see if I had finally laid the QE demon. I can't judge after omly 1 day. I MUST stay positive.

One good thing is that all the walking incvolved (one reason why I am so tired) means my exercise level has just invreased dramatically. As long as I don't sucumb to comfort eating and keep to a sensible diet I should see some weoght loss especually as I am doing the Wii fit stuff on top of it.

PS 30 minutes later

I actually have a little time to spare before leaving for work after managing to do my workout, have breakfast, get myself rerady for work, empty the dishwasher, and put a load of laundry in as well as doing some e-mails and FB stuff. The amazing thing is I actually felt walking to work would be a realistic option. I'm not going to because I know I made a sensible decision last week to use the car. Physically I am not sure I would cope. But mentally I am stronger than I thought I was. Clearly I am more motivated to take excercise than I realised. That is a cheering and optimistic thought to take to work with me today.

Back at work

Well I am as ready as I will ever be. I am nervous and it is a nervousness that my whole body reflects because my back and neck are twinging. But I know that is all psychological.

My morning routine is going OK. I was up at 6.30 after a reasonablish nights sleep. I have got my lunch (mixed salad prepared yesterday just taken out of the fridge). I have done my 15 minute workout (3 yoga, the 3 associated muscle at max reps) And I am now eating breakfast (2 weetabix,a kiwi fruit and yoghurt) which I am eating slowly . I had a glass of water when I got up. I often feel thirsty when I wake in the night so I think I need to concentrate on drinking more during the day and maybe take a glass of water to bed with me.

Anyway I am well on schedule to leave in good time to get to work.

I am nervous

Tonmorrow is my fiorst day at QE as a locum - and I am nervous. I need to spend today making sure I am as ready as possible so I donl;t have a rush in the morning.

Food yetsreday was OK - but was SO unheatlhy. Dinner was fish and chips, followed by tiramasu and ice cream. Lunch was a sausage roll. Somewhere alnog the way I had a snack of Ryvita and peanut butter. But fruit and veg were conspicuous by their absence I'm afraid. But I didn't overeat, didn't snack, didn't have any biscuits - and DID up the free steppping fromn 20 minutes to 30 minutes.

Today I am going to try and pre-cook some lunches for the week ahead. Cooking is very therapuetic and makes me feel very positive.

I have been up nearly an hour and havent yet had breakfast. My stomach still feels leaden from yetserdays unhealthy food. There is a lesson there for me. I haven't done my morning workout yet either but I will do it quite soon.

I feel a bit down because it is Mothers day and I know Steve is unlikeley to acknowledge that fact - even by wishing me a happy mother's day. He certainly won't be around to spoil me by cooking dinner! Ah well thats kids for you

Retail therapy

Today I am going shopping with Steve. DFS have sent us some vouchers for discounts on furniture and Steve has decided he might as well take a look and se if can anything good for his house. I may also bag a bargain if I see one. A decent coffee table maybe? Then I need to go a buy flooring for the new bathroom and a new mirror. I looked at the old wooden frames one yesterday and decided it wouldn't do for my smart new room. So I have things to look forward to. And getting the house sorted out is part of my master plan.

Food went OK yesterday although it deteriorated in the evening a bit. On the whole I am sticking to Paul's rules. I have tired looking for lunch box recipes but not much luck so far. I will probably take a filled pitta on Monday so I can prepare that on Sunday to save a bit of time Monday morning. Thanks to Abel and Cole I have a weird selection of vegetables available . Celeriac, beetroot and jerusalem artichoke. I am going to use them somehow for dinner on Sunday. I am sure using different ingredients and having to think of different to do with them is good for me in a number of ways. I am also sure the variety of taste keeps food from being boring and helps keep me on target with my eating. Boredom is a huge reason why I would quickly fall off a traditional diet or meal replacment system.

I have done my workout . Clocking up 15 minutes on the Wiifit takes just over 20 minutes so I know I have a routine that I will have time tro do on work mornings. But jogging is definitely off the menu for the moment. I will stick with doing 20 minutes free stepping in the evenings as my aerobic section.

I think I might try and get a pedometer to keep track of how much walking I do round work as well.

The reflective piece from Sparkpeople was basically saying that cheating isn't a good way to acheive anything and that anything really worth acheiving is worth the effort to do it properly. Cheating on a fitness programme is an excercise in futility . You are the only one who knows - and you are the only one that suffers. But I have other goals where I need to remember that hard work birngs its own reward. Mum always told me that a job worth doing is worth doing well. It was good advice then and its good advice now.

Too much too soon?

Oh dear I feel very sluggish this morning. I haven't attempted to get ready to a work schedule. I couldn't get out of bed until neraly 7.15. That would leave me enough time to get to work but it would be such a rush. This time next week though I will have no coice about getting up and going to work. So I need to be sensible about things.

I have done more this week than I have tried to do for some time. A lot of it has been very physical activity and I ache and I am tired. But to be fair working is not going to be as physically tiring as filling that rubbish skip was so I should be able to get through the week without too many problems as long as I am sensible.

Much as it grieves my eco friendly heart I will have to use the car and not try to walk to work. It would be too tiring. I will think about getting a bus rather than using the car; but to get a reliable bus will still need me to walk about a mile on each journey getting to/from the bus stop at each end of the journey. I will see how I feel about that when I have got over the first week. Even using the car I will still be walking nearly half a mile to get from the car to the shuttle bus . (Parking in/around QE site is impossible) . I actually counted my steps from my normal parking postion to the ward yesterday. It came out at 1000 one way. The shuttle bus stop is about 800 stpes I reckon. But that basically is ther shortes walking option I have to get to work. Even that will leave me doing 1600 steps on top of a day at work which will involve a lot of walking and standing. No the more I think about it, the more I see using the car is my only realistic option next week until I see how I cope with the work.

I need to start thinking about my lunches next week and getting stuff ready so all I have to do is grab something from the freezer. I would like to tfind things more imaganative than sandwiches or packet soup. Pre-prepared lunches is one area where 'Eat what you really want' falls down a bit. I will enjoy myself today looking for lunchbox recipes to provide a variety of meals. It will be a chance for me to have vegetarian stuff - and use the veg we are NOT currently eating because I am not cooking for dinner. Mind you I will cook tonight. 2 days of salad at the moment is probably enough!

I have just realised how much I will enjoy the recipe hunt. Food is now my friend not my enemy. Thank you Mr McKernna!!!

The Wii fit told me last night that someone (and it must have been Tony!) had told it I was looking slimmer. I just hope he really meant it and wasn't just saying it to make me feel better. But even if he WAS just trying to make me feel good - it shows how much he cares about me. Awww that gives a warm and fuzzy feeling inside.

So far this morning I have drunk a large glasss of water and a mug of coffee. I have eaten a smallish breakfast and can't finish it becasue I am full. I will turn on the Wiifit soon. I have a plan in my mind for things to do today.

I was feeling despondent when I started this entry. But making the entry has made me think about things, and I do now feel much more positive. I know blogging about Edna in my other blog helps me. And I know keeping this an Edna free blog helps me keep Edna in her own compartment and stops her invading the whole of my life.

Blogging rocks!!!!

My back

One of my constant concerns has ben to do enough excercise to strengthen my back, without doing too much so I start a flare up. Last week I was geting the odd twinge or two so I cur back on the jogging. I now know this was the right thing to do.

I have been doing a LOT of physiacla activity over the past 2 or 3 days in the form of gardening (digging lifitng bending) and rubbish removal (bending lefting,swinging lump hammersm using crowbars, throwing things) I have also been doing my Wii workouts -although I conciously decided yesterday and this morning to concentrate on yoga and mucle excercises. I have just finished 16 minutes of yoga/muscle workouts (including my 3 linked sets) and although I ache still from all the work I have been doing, I don't have any twinges of aciatica and only the very slightest touch of back pain. This is almost unbeleivably good and shows I really have managed my back problem the right way. When I think back to the way walking around the hopsital would trigger back pain less than 3 months ago I feel very pleased with myself.

Yetsreday was so warm I decided we would have salad for dinner. I really enjoyed it. Uisng Paul's system I was able to have a small porion of quiche and small portions of the accompanimnets I enjoy so much (coleslaw, potato salad, rice salad) withoyt thinking I should be avoiding them becasue of the calories on the mayo. I also didn't go for the low calorie versions. This morning I am thoroughly enjoying my bowl of sultana bran with some prunes all topped with low fat yoghurt and I don't think I will finish the whole bowl. I have also drunk a large glass water as well as a large mug of coffee. Paul would be proud of me! I am VERY proud of me.

I have an appointment at the incontinece clinic this morning. I will be able to tell them my fluid managment has improved. I am drinking more and my bladder control is better. Sadly I will also have to tell them I had a catastophic accident the other day - quite the worse I have ever had. I know my pelvic floor muscle excercises have fallen off the radar since Edna was re-admitted. I know they will tell me I need to get back to doing them - but no PFM excercises could have stopped the accident I had the other day. My bladder problems do seem to be getting worse. But compared to a cancer scare, potentially disabling back problems, and mental health issues a dodgy bladder is almost nothing at all.

Final note - I was right. I am unable to finish my bowl of cereal.

We rock lol

I have to think about whether I should do some jogging as aerobic excercise. At the moment I feel not. Walking is aerobic, and puts much less strain on my back.

A new source of inspiration

Setting goals is easy. The tough part is putting time and hard work into realizing those dreams. The energy you are willing to put forth to reach your dreams is directly related to the probability of achieving them. Above all, be patient with the situation and with yourself. Don't lose your way by being blinded by disappointment, frustrations, and failures. Ponder the goals in your life and the obstacles you might face. Make appropriate plans to overcome those roadblocks even before they occur. Think of the reward of reflecting on a goal you have reached, rather than one you failed to see through. Most big dreams involve big effort!

I came across a site the other day while searching for a list of calorie values when I did my retrospective the other day. I found a site and signed up for some of the newsletters on fitness. Today the above quote landed in my in box along with the reccomendation to ponder about it and reflect on it in the personal journal I am supposed to keep on their site.

I decided it was worth putting in here to remind myself how true it is. It is almost pure McKenns.

I have set goals, I am working towards them. This morning I am so tired and achy I haven't attempted top be up dressed and ready at a time that would get me to work. But I won't be lounging eound in my dressing gown untol 11.00 as I would have done last week. So I haven't failed in this weeks goal. In fact I acheived a lot towards other goals this week (I am juggling a lot of issues at the moment)

I am going to do soem yoga this morning. I think uscle workouts may be off the agenda though. I still have gardening and skip filling to do. I think that will give me enough of a workout today!

A very hard day

We made good progress today with both houses. I got a skip and we cleared Stevs fornt and back gardens and all the debris from the renovations at our house. BOY am I tired now. It was HARD work.

I feel tired and a bit down - even though I'm pleased at the progress made today. I am being decisive not procratinating.

I've also realised that with my two blogs ( well two and a half if I count my sleep blog!) I am also doing something I always knew I wanted to do - write, Shame I'm not getting paid for it tho.

The agency are suggesting I turn myself into a lmited company as a locum . Its standard practice and the tax breaks are better. But I donlt feel I can do that yet untol I know if I really AM going to get enough work from this agency - and if I am going to be able to continue locumming in the short term.

At least there is one good thing. I shoudl sleep like a LOG tonight. I am SO tired.

I did it!!

It is 0750 and I am up and ready for 'work' Since I got up at 6.30 I have loaded and started the dishwasher, made and eaten breakfast (and eaten it slowly!) done what I have designated for my morning workout on the Wii fit (3 yoga/muscle combos and the short jog) showered including washing my hair and got dressed. Jim is coming round early this morning so we can go to B and Q and get more tiles and stuff to finish the downstairs cloakroom.

I haven't got my lunch yet - but would have plenty of time to do it, and as its the alternate Tuesday I need to deal with the organic fruit and veg box that has just been delivered.

I even found time to surf my basic sites (3 email addresses and FB )

Ob the downside I am still hungry and thirsty (no doubt as a directe result of my workout) and fitting in time to prepare something and eat it slowly would be challenging - but then I ate before I excercised. maybe it would be better the other way round.

So still a few kinks to iron out - but I am on the right lines with sorting out my mornings. And I am sure that is the key to managing my health programme when I am working.

Keeping in touch with myself?

I have had a reccurring dream the past few days. Some sort of machine is trying to tell me something about me, but it doesn't recognise I am me. Could there be a clearer sign that I need to take time for my own needs amid my current problems? That could well be at the root of the emotional hunger I am aware of feeling at the moment.

OK I kept a food diary for yesterday and it was pretty interesting when I reviewed it.


10.30 Sultana bran and some grapefuit segments (just over 100 cals)
11.00 One slice of wholemeal toast with lighrt oilive oild sread and marmalade (150 ish)

1.40 2 breadsticks (150) (while I was waiting for lunch to be ready) then 2 smallish sausage rolls (100) 1 peaer (70)

5.00 Cherry Bakewell (205 calories)

6.00 Roast pork, roast potatos, brocoli, butternut squash stuffing and gravy. Followed by a pear,I estimate about 600 maxiumum for that meal.

9.00 Cheese and crackers (about 200 calories)

So breakfast was 250, lunch was 320, dinner was 600 and the two snacks were abut 400. That adds up to less than 1800. OK I know I haven't included which were coffes with skimmed milk of tea with lemon, some sugar free lemonade and one scotch as a night cap say another 200 calories (but half a pint skimmed milk for drinks was never counted in the old calorie counting days. It was always 'milk from allowance!)

I remember Paul saying in his book that keeping people on less than 1500 calories was regarded as 'torture' at some point because it wasn't possible to live healthily on so few calories.It was a starvation diet. The old 1500 calories a day plus treats that used to be the standard way back when was probably OK ish. But I remember I used to be so glad if my total fopr the day was under 1000 calories whihc I now know was SO wrong.

So what has this retrospective taught me about my eating habits?
1) That as long as I follow the guidelines for healthy eating I won't go far wrong calorie wise.
2) I need to be sure I am eating enough. I think my food choices are sunconciously based on trying for an intake of around 1000 calories.
3) I think I need to ensure I have enough essential fat in my diet. I certainly have room for the calories amd that may enable me to reduce my snacking on fundamentally ubhealthy foods that contain the worst sorts of fats (biscuits, cherry bakewells, cookies) I'm guessing my desire for these foods is a signal of some sort from my body
4) I have room to have sugar not sugar substitute on things .

I have just had breakfast and to be honest I didn't enjoy it much becasue the weetabix went very soggy in grapefruit juice. The tase was great. I enjoyed the sharp grapefruit taste - but it would have been better with more crunch. I should have used yoghurt instead.The textiure of food is something I never realised was important to me until I started Paul's programme. Sloppy food is impossible to munch and savour. I've noticed I now cook vegetables less sothey have more crunch in them. Mind you not ALL sloppy foods are bad. I can savour every spoonful of delicious sugar sweetened porridge with no problem at all!

I'm not doing too well with getting into a routine ready for work. I have a week to sort that out - and this week I will do it. To get to QE on time for work I need to leave about 8.15 to make sure I catch the 8.45 hospital transport from Selly Oak to QE in time for a 9.00 start. The 8.15 start will be the same whether I walk or use the car - now that is something to think about. Anyway that means I need to be ready by 8.00 which means getting up at 6,30 to allow time to wash dress excercise have breakfast and prepare my lunch. That timetable also gives me lost of slack in the system to allow for things going wrong. If I prepare lunch the night before or have lunch readfy prepared in the freezer that will allow me some 'quiet' time too.

I was awake at 6 ish today and used it grab some quiet time - but fell alseep again while doing so and didn't get up until well gone 7. Sleep is something I still haven't sorted out and really MUST deal with.

I really do stand on the verge of the newest phase of my life - and I am quite excited and feel positive about things . My role with respect to Edna may well be more radical than I ever expected in the light of her diagnosis but it was somethign I had allowed for in the vision of my new life. So the whole 'shattering diagnosis' thing isn't really forcing me into a re-think of my new life goals. I just have to adjust priorities for a bit.

Healthy eating?

Having written yesterday about how important healthy eating is to me, I have to confess yesterdays diet didn't live up to my standards at all.

Breakfast cereal and fruit shortly followed by 2 pieces of toast and marmalade without butter

lunch 2 large delicious but very unhealthy cookies - I was on the move when I felt hungry

midafternoon ham and lettuce sandwich with picalli shortly followed by a small cherry bakewell tart

Dinner from the chip shop. Tony had a saveloy and I had a battered sausage. I got a large portion of chips between us and a tub of curry sauce.

The good news is that by the time both of us had as many chips as we wanted, there was still nearly a third of the portion left. In the old days I would have eaten a whole normal portion myself, or had half of the large portion and still felt hungry. So while the food may not have been the healthiest it was still far less than I would normally have eaten before I started following Paul's system.

Desert was fresh pineapple and ice cream

Late night snack in bed of another of the large delicious cookies.

That really was an unusually unhealthy day - but to prove that to myself I think I need to report tomorrow on what I eat today - just in case I am fooling myself.

Does sticking to what I know are the rules for a healthy diet mean I am breaking Paul's rules and eating what I think I should eat rather than what I want to eat? I don't think so because I beleive Paul's system is designed to get people to listen to their bodies so they will naturally make healthier choices. I really do prefer fruit to puddings. I do enjoy vegetables when they are cooked well. But Paul's system means I can enjoy puddings (crumble,pies, cheesecake) in moderation if they are offered. I know I wont pig out on them and have second helpings.

While in old fashioned calories terms yesterdays food wasn't good (the bakewell was 205 calories I've just checked the label) I know Paul is right about low calorie diets reducing your metabolic rate so I have no intention (or the desire) to try and survive on 1200 or even 1500 calories a day. I remember a time whern I would have aimed for 1000 calories a day. But yesterday WAS a blip and all the calore counting diets used to say as long as you averaged out at your goal intake over a week you were doing OK.

I think I may just try to work out in calorie terms what I am normally eating. When I went to the incontinence clinic first I was sure I was going to be told I was drinking too much. In fact I wasn't drinking enough. Am I still unconciously thinking in calorie terms still? I think it could be a useful excercise.

A weekend to relax (I hope)

Dissappointingly both Tony and I showing signs that we may be overdoing the Wiifit. Tony has a painful knee ans my back is twinging more. So I am going to cut back a bit.

Food yesterday was OK ish. I did some snacking with garlic and parley toasts while watching Comic Relief but otherwise I was pretty good with food. I have a problem at the moment with that gmawing awful emotional hunger but I am keeping it under control - sort of. I am certainly not eating to satisfy it. It does mean I am finishing my meals rather than leaving some on the side of plate - but my pertions are smaller now anyway

I find I am still using tricks learned from calorie counting. So at the moment I am muching some toast and marmalade - but I didn't put butter on the toast. I can enjoy the taste just as much without butter (or light olive oil spread which is what I use instead). Its all very well for Paul to say throw out the low calorie low fat stuff - but more important than trying to lose weight is eating healthily. So cutting out saturated fat, eating whole grain foods and getting 5 portions of fruit and veg a day are important in my diet. But I do sometimes wonder if I am going mad on cutting out fat - which does have an important role in satiat.....sati.......argghhhh ...making you feel full!

I do beleive I can lose weight - but I suspect it will be eaiser when I am back at work - as long as I can still stick to the basic rules of eating when you are hungry. If your lunch break isn't until 1.00, you can't do much about it if you feel hungry at 12.00. But I do dtill beleive I WILL lose weight.

According to the the actuary tables (and the Wii fit) my ideal weight is 8 st 7 lb - to which my answer is 'get real' That means I need to lose 6 stone which aint gonna happen. I once got below 10 stone and had people expressing concerns that I looked ill. If I could get to aorunf 11st I would ne happy. 10 st and I would be delerious. And I beleive I can acheive that at a steady 1lb a week if I am sensble and careful. Pauls rules help me to be sensible about what I eat and put me in right frame of mind to take sensible excercise as well . Its a no braioner really.

Ok so what happens now?

Although this blog is about me coping with major changes, I am not going to use space here to detail the most major change which is Edna's diagnmosis with Alzheimers. I have started a seperate blog for that. THIS blog will be about food and excercise and health and keeping me sane . It will also help to keep me focussed on ME - which sounds selfish but if I don;t nobody else will. And the last thing I need at the moment is to be ill either mentally or physically.

So here we go. It is stupidly early o'clock but ~I couldn't sleep. I must start dealing with that tonight. Despite the early hour I was ravenous. I didn't have a large meal last night - maybe that was the problem. But I did have a late night snack of cheese and ryvita.

I have had a healthy breakfast of weetabix and banana with yoghurt. I am still very hungry having eaten it but I am going to drink a lot and hope it goes away.

I do feel overwhelmed at the moment but I am going to take it all one task,one step,one day at a time. Todays task will be to ring Sky and try to get our broadband sorted out. We should have a speed of about 6 Gb - we have about 0.8 Gb so something has gone wrong somewhere. I may also get some fresh air (and excercise) and plant some bulbs in the garden in the weather is good enough.

The wiifit is leering at me. I feel absolutley knackered and my instinct is to ignore it and take a day off. I am not going to do that however. I may not do a full wrokout this morning but I am going to do something even if its only for 5 minutes.

At the hospital

This is where this blog is very little to do with food and very much about the life the food exists in!!

I had a dreadful time at the hospital today. Edna was in an agressive mood. She knows she is to be started on a new drug that she will have a patch. But when I said I was going to talk to the doctors she said not to and implied that I might say something to them that she didn't want.

But then the OT came along to ask her about her flat , how she normally copes etc etc. Well thats was where the fun really started. I really did stay as quiet as possible but sometimes when she came out with outrageous statemnets about regularly cooking herself kippers and boiled eggs I felt I had to get the OT to realise that she hasn't sone that for a long time. But as the OT questioning wemt on Edna got aggressive with both of us and it culminated with Edna saying the doctors had told her that I wanted to dump her and get rid of her. I decided there was little point in staying and left. I didn't just storm out I did say goodbye to her but I made it plain I was leaving becuase I didn't want to upset her.

The OT decided not to continue the conversation and she had indicated earlier that she was aware I was having problems with Edna. So a few moments later I was sitting with the OT in one of the offices in floods of tears being offerred tea biscuits and sympathy and given a chance to have my say without Edna jumping down my throat.

I had this nightmare vision that the OT was unaware of the diagnosis and would beleive everything Edna said. To my relief she said even if she hadn't been able to talk to me, Edna raised enough warning bells for her to realise a lot of what she was saying was bunkum. I should have realised an elderly care ward would be used to dealing with dementia patients.

I now have confidence that nothing will happen without me being informed and consulted and that the diagnosis means they can't jsut send her back to Fosters with no care package. I beleive we really are at the end of the yo-yo admissions.

All I now have to do is work out how to deal with Edna when she is aggressive. I know the OT is right when she says it isn't really Edna saying all those hurtful things to me - but it IS still Edna on the outside - but sometimes the old Edna is still there.

I feel crap at the moment - a crying jag always leaves me feeling dreadful.I am tired but donlt think I can sleep.But I have told Steve about the diagnosis. I hope I presented it as the positive step it really is even though in a way it is the worst news we could have had.

I need to talk to so many people now to try to make sure this comes out as Edna would want and to work out how much if any of her care I may be needed for

A morning routine

I'm managing better this morning. I was up at 6.45, did 20 minutes on the Wii fit ( 3 yoga , 2 muscle and an island lap with a burn rate of 247%) and am now eating breakfast (bran flakes with fresh pineapple with virtually fat free natural yoghurt) and a mug of decaf coffee. I had coffee before I excercised and managed to fit in some chores (loading the dishwasher and some laundry stuff) as well and it is just 7.30.

If I was going to work I would be well on track for an 8.15ish departure. A lot depends on where I may end up working as to whether that would be good enough.

I am having trouble eating slowly because I am so hungry.

I did fantastically with the slow eating yesterday. In fact I left almost a quarter of my dinner uneaten last night. But I indulged in some major comfort eating yesterday evening. I think the fallout from the sugar rush is one reason why I feel so hungry this morning. I took 2 cereal bars to bed with me and ate them both while I read before going to sleep.

The reason I was comfort eating is that yesterday I was told Edna has been officially diagnosed as having dementia - and from the treatment reccomended I am sure it is Alzheimers and I am shell shocked. I will be talking to the doctor later about what this may mean in terms of her long term care . I genuinely never suspected she could have Alzheimers. I am now taking a crash course in its diagnosis and treatment so I am well armed to talk to her doctors.

I haven't told Steve yet and I am dreading it.

But I am still going to go and see Rachel today and take her out to lunch. I have been looking forward to that since Sunday. I just hope Rach doesn't cancel - but at 8 months pregnant anything is possible. Thanks to Pauls programme and eat what I want at lunch without feeling I am 'cheating' on the diet.

I have finished my ceral and I still feel dreadfully hungry. I need to work out if it is real or emotional hunger - but visions of toast are tempting me. I suspect I will be munching again within 15 minutes.

Organisation

OK I know partly its because I'm still playing with the Mac - but I really haven't been as organised this morning as I need to be. My goal for tommorrow is to make sure I am up dressed excercised and had breakfast (not necessarily in that order) by 8.00 at the latest. I need to prove to myself that I can combine work with the excercise and careful eating that I know I need to stay fit and lose weight.

This morning I was up at 7.00, did 27 minutes on the wiifit (inlcuding an island lap that I thought would be bad but got a record burn rate of 220%) had coffee and then made myself breakfast (scrammbled eggs, beans and toast) with another coffee. That took me until nearly 8 so sadly I need to cut down the time I spend on ther Wiifit or get up VERY early.

I have had no quiet time at all. This blog helps me focus my thoughts but once I start writing I find it difficult to stop and blogging in the morning is a seriously good way to ensure I end up late for everything!

I know I need organisation to make sure I can eat in accordance with Paul's rules. Rushing in the morning is not conducive to eating slowly. Rushing in the morning means if I fancy something cooked, I probably don't have time to do it so end up grabbing a bowl of cereal. And eating slowly is easier when you are eating something you REALLY want.

But I am good at organisation and systems so I know I will get this worked out.

Although I had a cooked breakfast (and enjoyed it) I still felt hungry when I'd finished it. I didn't however grab something else to eat. And as I sit here now I am aware that my stomach feels almost leaden. The 'hunger' I am feeling is emotional. So I need the quiet time to deal with my emotional needs.

I'm not at work today. I can take the time I need. When I am at work I think I need to utlise my journey time in some way either to excercise and/or to do some meditation. Walking to Selly Oak would be a VERY useful habit to get back into. And I think I need to get my old bike out and see if I can make some use of that.

Plans plans plans...................

Showing off!!

I have had a good food day today. I couldn't finish my dinner tonight. I have been really concentrating on eating very slowly and it seems to be working.

And I've just done 30 minutes free stepping - over 3700 steps. No wonder I am tired

The real reason for posting is that I am doing it on my brand new macbook. I treated Tony and I to one each today. Well I had to make sure I could find the site on the new browser didn't I?

Establishing a routine

I have decided I need to start establishing a routine that I can follow when I am working. So today I was up before 7, fed the cats (can't ignore them !) made myself a drink but no breakfast( because I wasn't hungry) an turned on the Wiifit. I have clocked up 30 minutes excercise with Yoga (I am concerned about flexibility as I get older) 1 muscle (rowing squat 45 reps) because it is good for my back (I have a rather dicey one and had surgery on it 15 or so years ago) and a short run. I think when I am back at work I need to stick to 15/20 minutes in the morning because I also want to try and find some me time in the mornings to nurture my spiritual side which I need to do to keep myself mentally in shape

Taking 15 minutes for some visualisations (how slim I am going to look, how fantastic my day at work is going to be etc) or some meditation has got to be good.

I am now eating breakfast because the excercise worked up an appetite and I am eating it slowly. Whether I will be leaving any is debatable because I am now VERY hungry but I will try.

I am looking forward to the fact that today I am not visiting Edna. Tony and I are plannig on going to town . But even if we don't go I am not going to go to the hospital. I realy REALLY need a day without trying to deal with her fantasies. Yesterday she said someone had said I was trying to do her in. I ended up almost shouting at her - in the ward. I think sometimes she has to push me away to prove to herself that I will come back and that I am NOT going to abandon her. But I am now totally unclear whether she is just very confused or very manipulative or possibly a combination of both.

Time to take a deep breath

I need to take a deep bretah and really THINK about things. This morning I am sitting here feeling thoroughly fed up. My IBS playing up to the point where am back on Movicol with no apparent effect. I feel so uncomfortable with the constipation, and I am very down because of my lack of success in losing weight.

I think I have realised where things have gone wrong with food. I am eating when I am NOT really hungry. So I guess its back to basics. I am also sneaking in biscuits more often than I should. But I am so worried about Edna's future I guess its no shock that I am comfort eating. But I am NOT bingeing. I'm not eating 3 packets of crisps during the day and consoling myself with the thought that each packet is 'only' 125 calories.

I do eat a healthy diet. I enjoy cooking and somehow in my new kitchen I produce much better meals than I used to. I love being in my new kitchen. We eat lots of fruit and veg. I cook mainy from fresh ingredients so not too much processed food. Ans I am doing more than the reccomneded amount of ecercise for health. I am getting in 30 minutes or more a day. So my general HEALTH must be improving.

I know why I feel down. Its becasue I am feeling out of control becasue of Edna and becasue I haven't yet sorted out long term employment. There is very little I can do about Edna and I have as much as I can about a job. So I need to focus on what I CAN control and thats my health both physical AND mental.

I did sleep much better last night than the night before which is a good start. I think I need a day off from Edna , so she will be without visitors one day this week in the interests of my sanity. The Wii fit is calling me - and on this very chily morning it will warm me up cheaper than putting the fire on. And I know excercise will do me good hysically and mentally

I just wish my guts would stop playing up and work normally.

I also know I musn't focus TOO much of 'control' of my food/weight and let it get out of hand. So to -re-assure myself I am not heading for an eating disorder my Wii fit goal is to lose a stone in 3 months. I need to assure myself tat fod is not the ONLY thing I have control over. I must think about today.

Hopefully tommorrow I will re-read this and think what a load of pompous twaddle - but it really is how I feel this morning.

On todays exciting episode..........................

Oh dear - well I was sort of preepared for it. The Wiifit tells me not only did I not reach my goal (10lb in 4 weeks was never acheivable!) it tells me I have out ON a bit a weight. I have done 3 tests, all at different times of the day and I am faily sure I ut in differents weight fr the clothing both times. Today I did the sensible thing and did it at a time I will remember (first thing) and with no clothes on. So I should get the nest test done with the same parameters.

Despite the early hour and lack of coffee my age still cam out at 45 (12 years uner my real age) so I am still pretty happy.

My new goal is a stone in 3 months.

I am dissappointed that despite the increase in excercise on the Wiifit I have stayed static. I think I have to take into acount that I did more excercise than I realised when I was at work and the Wifit is not a replacment for that. Hopefully I will be back at work soon.

One thing is clear I need to go really back to basics with Paul's golden rules.

I am not sure if these thoughts amount to me making excuses for myself not lossing weight, or if they are valuable insights. One thing I do know - I am not giving up.

The story so far

I have reread my blog from the beggining this morning. It has been quite illuminating. I seem to have the same 'revelation' a number of times and it reads as if I am trapped in a never ending cycle making no progress at times. But I have made progress rom the time I started it.

I do have much better control over food than I had. I proved that last night when we had a chinese meal (belated birthday celebration with Steve there) and I didn't eat all of it. In fact I only ate about half mine.

I am doing much more excercise than I used to. The Wii fit was probably the best purchase I have ever made. I have used it every day and I now do at least 30 minutes a day. I can now jog easily for 10 minutes wihtout stopping which I could not have done before. So I no longer have to agonise about how I get to work and feel gultiy about not walking. Ecoligically I still need to use the car less - but that is a different matter. However I am seriusoly considering NOT using the car to get to QE for my locum stint. The old routine of walking to SOH and getting the merry-go-round bus to QE, then getting the bus directly home from QE sounds like a workable option to me.

My weight is probably about the same as it was when I first stated this blog - maybe even a bit more by a pound or two. But despite all the stress my weight hasn't ballooned. At my heaviest (a long time ago now) I weighed well over 16 stone. I still weigh less that 15 stne now and will hopefully soon weigh less than 14 stone.

My eating habits are better, I am eating much more healthily than I used to. Also I am learning to listen to my body. I wasn't that hungry this morning. I wanted something but not cereal. So I had a couple of toasted waffles. It now goes without saying that I didn;t bolt them down the way I would have done once. I possibly didn't eat them as slowly as Paul would reccomend.

I still have 2 huge uncertainties in my life. Edna and a job. I am doing what I can a job. I am still certain I won't be without work. However it may not be exactly the work I was looking for. But I am still having to adapt to the Edna factor. I am sure the work will be more congenial than my old job and much less stressful.

I have realised I have a new driving force in my life. Having seen how physically frail both Mum and Edna got for the last year or two of their lives I am determined I am going to do everything I can to stay fir and healthy physically. Edna's rapid detrioration mentally has made me determined to keep my brain as active as ossible. The mantra is 'Use it or lose it' The Wii fit makes me 'use it' physically. Work and the DS help me 'use it' mentally.


I am facing a difficut weekend. I have to go over to Mosley to get styff for Edna today. I will aslo go and see Edna today. Tommorrow Steve and I are going to see her together. Steve says he can't cope with seeing her on his own. These visits are going to stressful . I could do without the rushing around to get to Moseley .

Tomorrow is my deadline day for the Wiifit so a body test will be on the agenda. I am expecting to have missed the goal I set by quite a long way, but am optimistic I will have losy some weight since the last body check. At least I am not expecting to have put any weight on. I may be elated or very downcast after I do te body check. But I know I will NOT be giving up.

I am proud of myself and how I have coped over the past months. It hasn't always been succesful - but I've stuck at it - even had the guts to come back to this blog after 3 months not blogging when I could have just deleted it and forgotten all about it.

I AM IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE.

Some concrete proof?

Today I put on a air of stretch trousers that always ride down my back. Well today they didn't and I can only presume I am thinner.

Wow

Giving and taking advice.

Sharon I have just given you some advice I probably need to take myself. I am spending time worrying about so many worst case scenarios with Edna - and I know they are all very unlikely to hapen. So I m going to try and take the advice I gave you and chill!!

Food is under control, I am still using the Wiifit at least 30 minutes a day. If I haven't lost much weight when I next do my body test, I know I must be healthier. None of the things I have been so stressed about are really disastrous. I will take some advice I was given a few months ago. 'Frame every so called disaster with the words ' In 10 years time will this matter'

I will control what I can and not stress about the rest.

Time for some freesteping with the Wiifit

A red letter day

Today is the first anniversary of Alans death - and Edna is still with us!! I was so worried she would lose the will to live around this time. I was determined to do whatever I could to ensure we didn't suffer a 3rd bereavment in less than 12 months - and something has worked.

Prayers ARE answered.

I'm back on track with the excercise. I didn't ush myself to hard - just did an island lap and got a satisfying record burn rate of 205%.

Food is under control more or less.

One slight problem is that my IBS is laying up a bit. Not much but hust enough to mke feel uncomfortable. Stress induced probably mind you I can't think WHAT I have to be stressed about!!

Things are more or less uner control and I feel MUCH better about myself than I did yesterday

A grey and dreary day

I had an appalling nights sleep last night - worrying about Edna - and woke up this morning feeling really tired and very down. I was SO tempted to write a long and depressing blog entry. But I retained enough cognition to realise that I wasn't really reacting appropiately to things so I decided to act rather than write, and try to get myself out of doldrums with excercise and discipline. My efforts failed dismally so I sit here tonight with my self image still in tatters. Intelectually I know I'm not a fat lump who is failing at everything. But my emotions tell me I am just that. Currently I feel I am failing to lose weight, faiing to excercise (I ha to abandon the free jogging) failing to support my son and most importantly failing to help Edna - who isn't much better today but at least she was talking to me! Yesterday she didnt want anything to do with me

I will give myself one pat on the back -I haven't binged or resorted to comfort eating. Tommorrow is another day - it is THE day - the first anniversary of Alan's death. I just hope I feel better onThursday

Its a good new bad news sort of day

In fact its turned into a right sh^t of a day.
Good news is as follows
The mump sum is in my accunt . I have paid off the one remaining big credit card bill, paid off a lump sum on the loan we had for the holiday club, gave Tony a small bonus and done my best to reduce my outgoings. The total owed for the holiay club as less than I thought so I am going to have far more money left than I thought. I wil use it wisely!!

The lcum agency think they can find lots of hosital work for me at 27.00 per hour. I can't see Lloyds coming close to that figure so it looks as if I will be locumming for the forseeable future. I'm betting QE?SOH will want to keep me on.

Bad news

I've had an argument over the phone with a doctor who tried to tell me and the nurses Edna was fit for discharge. I gave him both barrells and later when saw the sister she said she was so glad I did. She also said I was right to contact PALS about it

Edna was poorly today, on oxygen, and in one of her moods. She accused me of breaking promises, of trying to dump her, of not visitig her so I cut my visit short. He chest souned bad so I'm wondering if she has a chest infection. Thats is all she needs at the moment

Annoying news is that Tony is doing so well with the Wii fit. He looks visbly thinner - whereas I just look like a fat lump still. I'm dreading the body test this week. I'm sure I will have put weight on.

Lets face it - I'm nt happy today for all sorts of reasons - but I've tried hard with food and I've not only done a 20 minutes free jog but I did 30 minutes free step as well. And we walked to Norhfiled this afternoon.

I'm too down to be rational about things .

A landmark day

Well today is my birthday. Tommorrow I no longer have a reguar income from work - only a ension that I muct work to supplement. Tomorrow is the first day of my new life.

I've given myself a day off today, eating all the wrong things and not doing muc excercise. Of course you can't cheat on Pauls system - but I have been eating when I'm not hungry and I know I'm comfort eating. Edna is getting worse, Steve got quite upset when we visaited her today becasue almost the first thing she said to him was that his father had been there. Since he s utight about the aporaching first anniversary of his fathers death this was the last thing he needed to hear. I am worried about him. I think all we can do is take it one day at a time until we get past Wednesday. I will be SO glad when its the 5th and the anniversary will be over.

Steve was too tired to stay and eat with us today so we are going to have a takeaway on Friday.

I have to say this hasn't been the best birthday I have ever had - but I didn't expect it to be a riot of fun under the circsumstances.

So my new life isn't getting off to a very auspicious start. But I still have a clear idea of where I want to end up and I am still ready to grasp any opportunities that come my way so I may be down at the moment - but I am NOT out.