Questions but no answers

It ia 7.30 am. I am up, and I have exercised quite well. Only 28 minutes but I stepped back down to the 3 minures of boxing. My brain is too scrambled to remember the longer patterns on the intermediate. I got a fantastic burn rate of 192% on the long jog, and cocked up 1250 steps in 10 minutes of free stepping. I have drunk water and haven't eaten becasue I font feel hungry.

So the day has got off to a good start. How it will continue is of course anyones guess. I dont know if I am going to go to work. I dont know if I could concentrate. A lot will depend on what they tell me about Edna when I ring the hospital. If they tell me she is much improved then possibly I will go in. But even if they say she is sitting up in bed and chatting that doesn't mean that much. She was technically 'sitting up in bed and chatting' yesterday. It is very hampering that they wont give real information over the phone. Its OK if I end up speaking to someone who knows me and has read Edna's notes.

One thing I am sure about is I am not going to cope if I sit around moping. So even if I decide work is out - and to be honest my concentration is liable to be aweful - I intend to try and keep to a normalish routine. Hence the exercise this morning. And I will get my meditation in,

To be honest I think the meditation is what is keeping me sane at the moment and stopping me from going to pieces. Without the meditation I think it would be very tricky to adhere to the reiki principals. The first principal is 'Just for today do not worry' That is very hard to do.

I have been trying to analyze my feelings today and I am not worried - but I am frightened. I am frightened about how life is inevitably going to chage whatever the outcome of this. Either Edna will die, or she will going into a residential care home. Going back to Fosters is not on the cards. They are both HUGE changes from my perspective - both very liberating since I will be releived of a massive responsibility. I just know the journey from here to which ever end we get to is going to be emotional and difficult. It is normal to be scared when you know you have to face something unpleasant.