Report on Day 4

I\ve just worked out my 90th is Christmas Day. So as well as keeping me on track with food this blog is a countdown to Christmas.

Yesterday dod not go well with food. It started very well but I didnt eat lunch slowly. I cooked dinner before I went back to the hospital for the 6.00 - 8.00 visiting. I didnt feel hungry then so I didnt eat. I ate it when I got back - and didnt eat slowly enough. I did have biscuits and crisps and a late night snack of cheese and biscuits.

So why did it go wrong?

Partly it was emotional eating. Partly I was eating what was convenient rather than what I wanted. This is often the case. It isn't convenient to cook two different dinners. So if Tony doesn't fancy what I want we end up with what he wants. OK that wont be diet food - but it isnt what I really REALLY want. But being honest I dont often get mad fancies for food. I am rarely in the situation that I am eating something I really dont want at all. Partly I weas eating when it was convenient.

I am serisuly thinking of banishing the biscuit barrel to the kitchen and not buying biscuits. I must ask Tony how he would feel about that. if they aren't here we can't eat them.

Today has started OK. I have done a good workout. the middle section was the longest boxing whihc purports to e 10 minutes - but regsiters 13 minutes on the clock. I didnt get a brilliant step count on the free step - but the boxing left me very tired. I think it s a workout I can lve with on a daily basis.

Some years ago my GP spotted a little fat deposit under my right eye and had a little freak. She checked my cholesterol and together with other things realised I had fallen off the radar for heart checks. That was the appointment that changed our eating patterns. At one point I had little fat deposits under both eyes. i have noticed the one under my left eye has gone - and the one under my right eye is smaller. I mst be doing something right.

I feel hungry - but I don't think it is real hunger as my stomach still feel weighed down with yetserdays bad food intake - especially the cheese and biscuits I ate in bed. I am drinking water and will have something to eat after I have finished it.

As I woke about 5.30 ish I decided to use the time before I got up cosntructively and I listened to 'I can make you thin: and 'Exercise made easy' A double dose of McKenna.

Breakfast next stop

Day 3

Never giving up

Do you ever get frustrated because things are moving too slowly in your life? Many people don't realize that building a foundation for success does not happen overnight. It is a slow process in which you are constantly working and learning. After all, that foundation must remain strong, even in times of failure or crisis. This takes time! You may have to remind yourself that "failing" is only failure if you quit; otherwise it's a learning opportunity. So don't worry if your life seems to be moving in slow motion. Concentrate on building a solid foundation and learning from your back steps.

The above Sparkpeople reflection is a very good one for me and my weight loss journey. I feel I HAVE built a solid foundation by never giving up on Paul's system and his 4 golden rules. I am hoping this reminder today is a sign that I am finally going to see some real success.

Life through me a huge curved ball yesterday (see the Edna blog for details) but despite that I didn't succumb to emotional eating. Big pat on the back for me

Food yesterday went well. the half banana I didnt have for breakfast got eaten just before I went into the dispensary. Dinner was the remains of the kebab I didnt eat on Saturday plus a peice of fruit and a cereal bar. The apple I also took with me got eaten in the car on the way home. Diner was rtushed becasue I had to get the hospital - but I still only ate 2/3 rds of it. I did have a 2 biscuits and a packet of crisps during the game - but I was hungry. And I hat a lat night snack of cheese an biscuits - but all eaten slowly.

So I can tick off all four golden rules. As for the others well I drank water, and moved my body .

Today I have done etp plus, boxing and the long run - but couldn't face the free stepping. I wont be at work today as I will have to be able to get to Edna at short notice today. I can always do some more this evening

I am eating breakfast slowly.

Doing a BC 'tine in'

Physically I am OK. I know I have just done the exercise and I am hungry - which is why I am eating breakfast. Emotionally - well I have a 2 stress factors to deal with Edna and an incident at work yesterday - but I am not climbing the walls and I have plans for both. I am also concerend about how work will react to the news I won't be there today - and probably tomorrow as well if Edna has to have further surgery. Thought or question - What are the orthopods going to do with Edna?

I have only eaten about 2/3 of my breakfast ( 1 shredded wheat with raisins and yoghurt) but although I still feel hungry - the idea of eating any more makes me feel slightly nauseous - so I'll leave the rest. The stress is affecting my stomach.

Today is going to e a difficult day

Dat 2

Yesterday went OK.

I ate when I was hungry
I ate what I wanted
I did eat slowly - a lot of my dinner is on a plate in fridge.
I certainly stopped eating my main meals before I was full - bt when I was hungry yesterday evening I wasn't as disciplined as I should have been , I did some mindless biscuit consumption. But then I went to bed feeling a bit hungry so...................

I know biscuits are my downfall. I need to work at eating other things not resorting to biscuits becasue they are there. So maybe I am not really eating what I want in the evings. Thats nearly always when things go wrong.

I drank water, moved my body and last night I DID listen to the CD. That was my ony real meditation yesterday.

This morning things have got off to a good start. I have done 28 minutes on the wii fit (step plus, boxing and free step) I am eating breakfast as I type this. Interestingly as I was preparing breakfast I decided having a whole banana would be too much so the other half is in the fridge wrapped in cling film and will be taken with me for a quick snack before I start work.

Doing a Beyond Chocolate tune in

Physically I feel OK . No major aches and pains. Emotionally I am determined. Thought is what is this week going to bring?

I have realised I have three goals that coalesce. If I focus on sticking to Pauls programme for 90 days I will finally break the 14 st barrier - and should see my BMI drop 34 or less.

'What you focus on you get more off" ' I did change the focus of my efforts towards health - and it has paid off. I do feel better than I have felt for some time. Also my exercise routine is now just that routine and habit. But maybe becasuse I focussed on that I didnt lose the weight. I wasn't really following Paul's rules. If I focus on the weight loss I am sure I will succeed. And I have a clear end point - the Christmas season! A nce traditional end point for a weight loss programme.

Yesterday was a good day apart from food. Steve Young popped into see us and we may see him again this week. he has a girfriend up here now . Our Steve popped in to see him (and us!) and to my delight he has shifted his attitude on my reiki. He heard about Martyn's session and has decided he would like to try it. Yay!!

Day 1 Back to its roots

I am going to take this blog back to its roots and use it to focus on food and Paul's programme.

So lets just remind myself of the 4 rules

When you are hungry - eat. = not always easy to do at work but I am not a fan of starvation or very low calorie diets so I dont need this rule to wean me away from that. BUT I also know grazing is a good way to lose weight. So I can't ignore the rule.

Eat what you want not what you think you should eat. Not a difficult rule for me as I do like healthy food. I am watching x-weighted as I type this and the star is being told she can't eat cookies, chocolate or have wine at all. I know that is a recipe for disaster. This rules is aimed at fad dieters, weight watchers, meal replacements . Because the whole point of the programme is get you into a healthy eating routine that will stay with you for the rest of your life. I know with every fibre of my body that is the only way to lose weight and keep it off.

Eat slowly. This is the hardest rule for me becasue I am always in such a rush. But it is the most important for me. Eating slowy when you have limited time actually makes sticking to rule no 5 easier.

Stop before you are full. This is probably the rule I break most often - every time I have a biscuit with my tea when I am not really hungry. Its the one I need to work on most now.

His subsiduary rules about drinking water, moving your body etc I can manage OK. I dont listen to the CD at all - but I have my own meditation techniques and I dont NEED his CD. Anyway the 4 rules are all you really need.

So how did I do yesterday?

Actually very well. I didnt finish my kebab and chips last night, and when I had some flapjack bites I ate them slowly. And I only ate 4 of them overall. Normally have the tub would have gone.

I did clock up 30 minutes on the Wii fit. 15 in the morning (step plus and yoga) and 20 minutes in the evening (free step). I moved my body

I drank plenty of water - I did a reiki treatment yesterday and I do get thirsty when I do that so it wasn't hard to do that.

I liked what I saw when I looked in the mirror - and pursuing my reiki training is my way of loving myself. I do still have self image issues - and emotional issues .

I will repeat a little maxim I saw a few weeks ago. The difference between try and triumph is a bit of umph. I put the umph into my workouts a few weeks ago. Now its time to put the umph into Paul's rules.

Yippee its the weekend

I hoped to have a lie in this morning - but f course the cats got me up. I have made good use of the time inclduing some much needed tidying in the bedroom. It is the only place I can do reiki so it has to look presentable evn if the only people I am treating are friends.

I have realised I can sort the house out a bit at a time. Its like Paul;s anaology of the man who ate the aeroplane. ANYTHING can be done if you break it done into small enough chunks and keep your eyes fixed on the final goal.

I am still struggling with food and emotional eating. I am snacking horribly. I dont think I am putting on weight - but to be honest don't want to do a body test and find out. I am in coward mode over that at the moeent. But I am NOT going to panic. I will kepe plugging away at the 4 rules. Yesterday one of the women at work asked me if I had LOST weight.She sadi my face looked thinner - and that after I had my hair cut whihc tends to fatten your face. I know I still look better in my clothes so I dont think i have any reason to feel too worried. I am still focussed on the 4 rules and keeping them. I am also drinking more water and moving my body. I dont listen to the CD anymore - and I dont do the mirror exercise.

There is no doubt I have a self image problem at the moment - and that is all part of the emtional issues that I can't find a way to solve. Martin is coming over today. I may bend his ear a bit. He is a good listener. Its perfect timing from that point of view . I think someone is looking after me.

I have done a 15 minute workout this morning. 5 minutes step plus and 10 minutes of yoga. I did spend 30 minutes on the bedroom tidying and will do some free step later.

I have had a very healthy and delicious breakfast (banana, one weetabix a bit of sugar, fat free yoghurt) which I ate slowly - well OK slower than I used to do before I encountered Pauls programme.

The journal was originally a replacment for the 90 day success journal. 90 days takes us very cose to Xmas. Maybe I need to start a 90 day session today and really focus on food. If I coudl lsoe half a stone before Xmas that would be fantastic - and it is a very very acheivable goal if I ut my mind to it.

Its a thought isn't it....................

I just found this for Sprakpeople in my in box. How apt

What do you stand for?

Have you ever thought about the power of having a purpose? Everyone needs something that gets them moving in the morning, keeps them going through the day, and makes them continue to work toward a goal. Take some time to think about the activities you are involved in and how they relate to your personal purpose. For the activities that don't serve your purpose, ask yourself why you continue with them. Perhaps you need to reevaluate your commitments and renew your conviction toward your purpose.

Well I have renewed my conviciton towards my purpose in loosing some weight

Emotional eating

Yesterday was not a good day as far as food and health was concerned. Although I did get onto the wii fit for 20minutes yesterday evening(and did quite well) chocolate biscuits and crisps were on the menu in the evening. The rest of the day food went quite well.

I have realised it is very simple. I can't deal with the emotional eating because I can't deal with the emotion. I need to talk to someone. I probably do need that good cry I have felt like having but haven't got around to. Trouble is I dont have anyone I can talk to because it needs to be someone uninvolved so that rules out Tony and Steve. Finding the time is almost as hard as finding the person but I have got to try.

In the meantime today has started reasonably. I have done 20 minutes on the wii fit, and I am feeling moderately pleased that I have done my first full week for over a month. Mind you I know I have done it.

I am looking forward to the weekend and hope to do some more reiki treatments.

Know your limis

I know mine - and this morning exercise is NOT on the agenda.

Yesterday work was frantic. And unlike other busy days I was never on one stattion for a long time. I had to keep moving between stations sometimes every 10 minutes or so. A pedo,eter would have told an interesting tale. Then last might I did my first reiki treatment. I have discovered the hard way that bending over a person on a bed or sitting next to them with your hands touching them is tough on the back. This morning I ACHE. At the moment all I want to do is sit here and drink my coffee and try to wake up.

Tuning in I have low level sciatica , I feel stiff . Emotionally I feel on a high after last night. Despite the discomfort the reiki went well. I am also hungry;muesli and yoghurt is on the menu I think. Thought or question is 'what next?' what next at work, in reiki, on my psychic journey,with Edna, at home.................. Its quite exciting.

I can always do a session on the wii fit tonight when I get home after work,having my hair cut and visiting Edna. Hmm maybe yes maybe no. A lot will depend on how frantic work is!

So what changes are on the way now

I called this blog 'Changing life and times' because at the time I started it my life was in upheaval . Also the insights I had gained 2 year prior to those events (CYLI7D)had shown me that my life needed to change. Changing my health and my weight was only part of of picture.

I am not yet where I want to be. My weight is still an issue although my overall health is better. I am not totally happy with my options for earning money , and Edna is still needing emotional and physical support.Steve happily is more settled emotionally and financially so needs less from me but I still feel like a plate juggler.

So what changes are in the offing? Well I am about to start trading as a limited company for my locum work which will be financially much better for me. Tonight I will treat my first reiki patient and take myself a step closer to becoming a level 2 practitioner. That will then open up the option for me to work as a practitioner and have another way of earning money. Obviously Edna's situation is in a state of flux to put it mildly. There are no long term plans. All I can do is take each day, each hospital visit and each laundry load and shopping list as it comes.

Any chance that I can stop being a plate juggler? No - but then I need to juggle plates. Its the qauntity of plates - and the diffciulty of maintaining some the plates on the pole that I need to change.

Certainly my situation now is a lot better than it was a year ago. So I am making progress. OK I am not making much porgress with my weight - but I havent weighed myself for a month. Am I making progress with Paul's programme?

Exercise is now built into my daily routine
I am drinking water
I have got better control over emotional eating
I am eating slower than I used to
I am eating what I want
Eating when you are hungry is tricky - but I never was a starvation dieter so I guess I didnt need that rule as much.
I do stop and think before I put food in my mouth.

I think back to the days when I would take crsipbreads to work for lunch - look at them and decide I wasnt in the mood. I would head for the coffee shop and have

A large sandwich/ baguette
A large sausage roll
A large muffin
A Cappuccino

There is NO WAY I could eat all that now. When we had pizza I would eat my 8 slices and potato wedges and garlic bread. Nowadays I can only mange 3 or 4 slices.

So I know I am making progress with food as well as other changes I need to make.

Things could be better - but my god they could be a whole lot worse.

Emotional hunger

'Cheating to get ahead might get you the grade or promotion, but in the long run it really sets you back. Intelligence, creativity, hard work, and solid character--the things that propel you forward--are not fostered by taking the easy way out. You don't earn anything by short-cutting your work. You're only cutting your potential short. Sure you might feel relieved that a stressful task has passed, but an undeserving sense of relief doesn't compare to the gratification of knowing that you completed your own work. If something in your life is difficult, meet it head on and earn the satisfaction of earning a job well done--with honesty and integrity.'

It is good to be reminded that the worthwhile things in life are not easy especially when you seem to be struggling - whihc I feel I am at the moment. One reason why I like 'Sparkpeople' is that they recognise weight loss pursued on its own as a goal. They recognise the life changes that may be necessary - or indeed may be CAUSED by the desire to lose weight. Also the last bit about honesty and integrity fits well with the resiki principle about earning your living honestly. A small signal that my move into reiki was right?

I had a lousy nights sleep (must get the new bed organised) and as a result I feel lousy and low this morning. I also woke hungry. Never a good sign. Also the story on the news that a size 12 model is considered a 'plus size'. That is not good for my ego. I am a size 18. Oh boy.

Food went well until yesterday evening. But to be honest although my intake was very unhealthy yesterday evening, I was hungry when I ate. I am just not sure it was real hunger. The hunger feels real this morning - but again I am not sure. There is no obvious trigger for emotional hunger - unless my psyche is giving me a warning that I have been suppressing a lot of the emotions in regard to Edna. I have several times felt (and commented) that I could happily sit in a corner and cry my eyes out. In fact I haven't cried . Maybe I need to ?

I havent done my full workout this morning. 10 minutes of step plus and 10 minutes of yoga was what I did this morning. I will do some more tonight.

I have eaten my breakfast - which was bigger than normal - and I still feel hungry. I think this is going to be the theme of the day. I need to find out what is causing this.

OK deep breath - time for a beyond chocolate 'tune in'


Physically I am tired and my back is protrsting about the bed.
Emotionally I am nervous.
Thought or question Will everything go smoothly when I start working as a limited company? I have the papers ready to post off today.

I wasn't sure what I was nervous about until I worked out what the question was. Am I THAT worried about this change? I guess I am worried about how it will work, rather than the general principle.

So not the best start to the day. I guess it can only get better. Except they are anticipating a crisis at work and it may be necessary for me to work longer today if it gets very busy.

Growing your inner garden

In order to grow anything in a garden, a lot of factors must come into play--properly planting the seeds or flowers into the soil, watering, weeding, fertilizing, and ensuring adequate sunlight. Are you tending to your own goals in the same fashion? Getting that new job takes determination and positive vision to make that dream a reality. Do you believe in your abilities? Believing is a wonderful, powerful tool but it takes more than that. You've got to fight the elements, take good care of yourself, and dig down deep for courage in order for your seeds to be cultivated into success.

I like this analogy - and the words I have out in bold seem relevant this morning. You have to beleive in yourself and your abilities to keep the motivation to go for your goals. 'The watering weeding etc are just analogies for practice practice practice until you get it right. That is true of developing habits god for your health as it is of any other goal.

Today has started well. I got a decent nights sleep and my workout went well. I didnt do any jogging so it wasnt the full 30 minutes but I got a record score on the boxing and a 'well done' from the trainer instead of the normal sneering. 'I know you can do better than that'

I am eating breakfast - slowly. I have drunk a glass of water a large mug of coffee and now have a large mug of water. I am planning on doing my pfm when I have finished this blog entry. I am about to turn myself into a limited company so I will pay less tax on my income and I checked my CPD records yesterday and discovered I already have the mandatory 9 for this year. So yetserdays paperwork trawl worked out well. And on Wednesday I will be administering my first ever solo reiki treatment to another person.

I can see progress on all my goals

Not such a good day

I spent a lot of today feeling frustrated and on the verge of tears. There was no one cause - there were a number of things - but I am very glad today is over.

Food was a bit blah, But I did go another 20 minutes on the Wii fit tonight.

I am very tiredd and am in bed quite early. I suspect a good nights sleep will do a lot to restore me

A lazy Sunday?

Well being up at 7.30 isn't excatly the best start to a lazy day but then it won't really BE a lazy day. I do have things I need to do including visiting Edna. Most of the stuff I need to do is paperwork though so I will be using my head not my body.

I have exercised - 20 minutes free stepping. I have had breakfast. Tuning in my body seems relatively happy this morning. Emotionally I am relishing the mental aspect of the work I need to do today. Thought or question is what is the day going to bring?

So all in all things seem to be under control...................

Food went well yesterday. We had pizza for dinner and I only ate half my portion. I drank plenty of water - although not as much as on a normal day. The wii fit sulked all day unused . Oh well. Shopping is still a form of exercise. But I know I have to concentrate on another sort of exercise much more than I have been - and that is my PFM exercises. :-(

I have lots of things to plan for that I am looking forward to at the moment. Life seems to be sort of under control.

The weekend

Its finally here - and it feels blissful. Its 8.30 and I have only just got up. It was lovely to have a lie in.

Yesterday food went well, water was a bit iffy and exercise was a bust. I didnt manage anything apart from normal activity on top of the 10 minutes step plus I did yesterday.

Tuning in this morning I an still a bit dozy. No major aches and pain - just a continuing niggle from that mouth ulcer . I am a little hungry - and the image coming into my mind is porridge which I haven't had for ages. Emotionally I am calm and the thought or question is how to organise my tasks for today.

I dont have much to do for once. I need to do some shopping but that includes buying fun things like candles for my meditations and reiki. I will visit Edna - probably this moring. And then I will pick up Brian (who lives 5 minutes from the hospital and bring him here so we can discuss his accomodation problems. He has asked if we could manage with him as a lodger in our spare room as he will lose the sale on his house (and he needs to split the proceeds with his ex wife!) if he can't move out by the 7th October and currently has no-where to live. If (and its a big if) we help him we want to know a lot more about what is involved , how long it might be for, what would happen to his possessions etc etc before we agree. But he is one of my oldest friends and I would feel so guilty if he ended up on the streets. I know he needs help - but in some ways he has caused his problems by his behaviour and mindset. I dont know what to do. I will listen to what he says, find out if he is really doing enough to help himself, then we will decide. I will probably meditate and use the crystal as well to hep me decide. And then hope that Tony and I agree because I have decided if one of us says no that is it,

Anyway I am off to have some breakfast

A roller coaster ride

Yesterday morning I was positive and energised. This morning I am lethargic, and not exactly negative - but certainly I am not positive.

Food turned into another disaster yesterday. I gobbled my way through biscuits at Edna's flat while I was sorting out her clothes - and I do mean gobbled. I managed OK the rest of the day but I am still not eating slowly. Having said that I am eating a lot slower than I used to before I started on Paul's programme.

I'm actually not a good advert for the programme. Anyone reading this hoping to be inspired by someone elses success would get the impression the programme doesn't work; after all I am not losing weight. The programme DOES work - at the moment I am not following the programme. And its the emotional eating that is causing the damage. And its the emotinal issues that need sorting out. Having said that I am not putting ON weight either - and in the present circumstances that is still quite a triumph.

I haven't done my work out this morning. I am too tired after a bad nights sleep. I have done 20 minutes of step aerobics - but that was all I could face.

Going into 'Beyond Chocolate' mode tuning into my body I am aware of discomfort all over;very slight back miggle, annoying pain from mouth ulcers and the lethargy due to lack of sleep. Emotionally I am in upset over Edna - the visit last night was upsetting . Thought or question - How on earth am I going to cope with juggling my responsibilities?

Its the emotional issues that need dealing with . My body is telling me ' dont push it' I am listening.

My advice to myself

Take it one day at a time
Dont push yourself too hard
Remember you are NOT superwoman and no-one expects you to be.
Remember the principles of reiki

Just for today do not worry
Just for today do not get angry
Honour your parents and teachers (I have decided everyone potentially has something to teach me)
Show compassion and gratitude for every living thing
Earn your living honestly

I will be OK at work today - but boy am I glad its Friday!

And the moral of this tale is............

Yesterday began on a down beat note but ended very positively. I have begun today very well with a very good full 10 10 10 workout with very good and record scores in all the exercises. My self image issues are going and I have realised that is becasue yesterday I made 2 key decisions and they worked out well. When my self image is poor it is becasue I lack faith in my ability to make the right decisions. I felt (and still feel) that yesterdays successes were signposts re-assurring that I am going in the right direction.

I decided to check Sparkpeople before I started this entry and not much to my surprise I read it and thought 'I can relate to that

All things pass eventually

Have you ever heard the concept of "seasons" in life? It refers to an idea that nothing in life lasts forever, and with time, all things change. Do you feel like your life is in an unhappy state? Are you stuck in a rut? It will pass! Sadly, this also applies to the good times as well. The elation of a promotion, the excitement of a new relationship--all will fade with time. Think creatively about how to maximize the sweet times and minimize the sour ones.

It has been a sour season for the past weeks with Edna's falls - and I have een despondent about how it will all end. This has reminded me it can't go on forever - which gives me renewed energy to cope. But this piece is also a warning that life is almost bound to through another curved ball my way in the future. Yesterdays events remidned me I DO make good decisions which mean I can cope .

Today has started very well. I didnt sleep brilliantly but better than I have done. And when I woke about 6 I decided to do my meditation before I officially got up rather than leaving it till later. It was not nice when the alarm went off and I had to leave my peaceful meditation world - but it is noce to have PLENTY of time left to do what needs to be done.

I now retract what I wrote about food at the end of yesterdays euphoric entry . I DO care - but I actually know I am in control of food - it is not in control of me.

Food went OK yesterday. Water and exercise didnt - but I have made a good start with both this morning - and I am feelign very VERY positive about things so I am confident I will be in control all day.

I hear a little voice whispering about pride going before a fall so I will admit I am human and can et thigns wrong - but if I do I will just pick myself and get back on track

Somoen is watching over me

Today has amzingly worked out very well for me - and it feels as if something or someone was guidine various decisions I made over the last few days.

Today began with a lot of worry becasue of Edna's state yesterday evening. I didnt know what to do about work and felt I was really struggling to juggle all my responsibilites.

I decided I would work this morning - but offered to work over the lunch hour and leave at 2 if it would help. It turned out to be JUST waht was needed so work were happy and I ended up with a free afternoon - but onyl losing 90 minutes pay instead of the 2 and half hours I would normally lose with a half day.

Because I went to see Edna this afternoon I managed to be with her when she was transferred to the rehab hospital.

And I have been contacted a firm who can hep with the finance as a pharmacy locum - and it turns out if I earn moneu from no pharmacy sources e.g. as a reiki therapist it removes ANY query about my status as a limited company and my IR35 status

Today has been tiring and frustrating in some ways - but it also feel pivotal as if the decisions I have made and information I have gained are signposts to the future.

And food ? Well at the moment I DONT CARE. I will care tomorrow.

Team player

Coming together is a beginning; staying together is progress; working together is success. - Anonymous

Are you a team player?

Teamwork is the absolute foundation for many successes in business. Rarely is a goal met with just one person pressing towards it on their own. Having a partner means you have a sounding board for ideas, a support network for failures, and a cheerleader when you are discouraged. Working together with a common vision and maintaining a successful relationship holds a greater probability for achieving your dreams! Compiling your efforts gets the job done.

Todays Sparkpeople reflection does have me thinking. I am a team player. I guess I have 2 'teams' I am part of. The people I work with, and the people I live with. To be a team player for the people I work with I need to be AT work. But as a locum I am not really involved in working towards their goal. But by being there I give other regular team members the time to work towards the goal.

I need to think about the 'home' team idea. I couldn't really say what our goal is - but since we have been togather for over 15 years I guess we are at least 'progressing' lol

Why that reflection caught my eye is tat I am very unsure about going to work today and it is party because I feel the goals of my two 'teams' are today in opposition.

I do not feel well this morning. Last nights visit to Edna turned out to be very stressful. I was later getting home than I wanted, and my stress relief was too many biscuits and a glass of wine. I also slept badly again.

So this morning I feel lethargic, sleepy and in discomfort with two ulcers in my mouth. Although I have to say they are less troublesome this morning than I thought they would be. I used reiki on them last night and they have improved from when I first felt them last night. (They broke out after my hospital visit - stress induced)

I havent been able to face doing my full workout - but I have done some aerobics and some yoga and clocked up 20 minutes.

My dilemma is if I dont go into work will I increase the chance that they will end my contract? I guess a second question is if they do does it matter? I have a number of lcoum agencies telling me they could find me work.

I guess the main question is am I fit for work? In one way the answer is 'no' But part of that is because it will be eaiser for me to accommodate my 'team family' goals if I either don't visit Edna today (which after last night is not an option) or visit her in the afternoon instead of the evening. I know my stress over that issue is part of what is making me feel so bad this morning.

****************************

I have spent about 10 minutes thinking and I could go into work but explain I need to leave at lunchtime as I need to spend longer with Edna today than I can in evening visiting. Thats the middle way that keeps everyone reasonably happy and makes my goals for the day achievable.

Whatever I am going to do I need to get a move on and do it

Keeping going

I didnt sleep well last night - but I still feel energised this morning. I did a good workout especially in the cardio bit where I did 8 minutes of boxing and the long run - which took me 3 minutes. 3 minutes - its unbeleivable. When I started the short run took me 4! Its tempting to see how long the island run takes me now - it used to be 11 minutes. I winder if I could get it down to below 10. But I still feel too much jogging is not good for my back.

On the whole I feel positive. I still have the sword of damocles hanging over my head in the form of Edna - but I am working round it and not allowing it to rule my life. The reiki is going well and I hope to treat my first patient soon. I feel the routine I am in with meditation is being very beneficial in helping me stay calm both at home and at work.

I feel food is under control. No chocolate or crisp cravings. I am eating sensibly and generally enjoying my food. I am also being more creative with fod when I cook. On Sunday I cooked cabbage - and didnt serve it becasue it was frankly inedible. I dont know what was wrong. But I used it yesterday by blending it with some coked sweet potato and a diced chilli for a differnet twist on bubble and squeak. Served with sausages and baked beans it made a different healthy meal. And I thoroughly enjoyed it.

This morning beakfast was 1 weetabix one kiwi fruit and one plum -both chopped up - with plain fat free yoghurt - oh and a bit of sugar. Yumski.

And I am drinking a LOT more water, I get through at least a litre a day now.

It is all about getting into god habits. I am still having trouble with eating slowly - but I am happy with all the good habits I have managed to get into.

Oh and my self image is MUCH better than it was

I survived work

I havw made it rhough a whole day at work. I have drunk water, food has gone well. And being at work I have been much active than I have been for a week.

It feels as if something is going right

Back to normality - I hope

I am back to full time work this week - Edna permitting. I am quietly positive this morning.

I did a good 10 10 10 workout. I have drunk water. I have eaten breakfast slowly, I still have plenty of time to et ready for work - inclduign some time for meditation- without rushing.

Edna has pulled back from deaths door - but is still within a couple steps of the door.

I had a great weekend including some real quality time with Tony.

I have a breathing space to re-group and gather my thoughts and find time to be me again.

My self image has improved - that is the main thing - and I am quietly confident that I can cope with life now. I wasn't at all sure at the end of last week.

Sunday

Sunday is meant to be a day of rest - and with the emphasis on worship it is also meant to be a day of reflection . I am certainly feeling reflective on this Sunday morning.

I am honouring the concept of the day of rest by hvaing coffee and waffles in bed. I did actually get a bit of a lie in because the cats didn't get me up until 7.30. Also by coming back to bed I am not alowing myself to get on the wii fit too early. I need at least one day when I am NOT rushing - and today is going to be that day.

Food went well yetsrday. I was at Sue's for my reiki training so had little control over what was availabke to em to eat. She didn't break out the hob nobs this time so all I had during the day was soup and crusty bread. When I got home Tony was still not feeling well (although better than yesterday) so all he wanted to eat was an omlette. I will own up to some biscuits and a late snack of cheese and biscuits - but I was hungry. The fact that I woke hungry this morning (hence the waffles in bed) is na indication that I didn't eat too much yesterday.

Next week I am going to try to get back to full time work. Edna has pulled back from the brink a little but is clearly going to be in a hospital for several weeks .Whether I need to visit every day is debatable. But I don't need tto s spend 2 hours a day with her now. So an hour from 6 until 7 doesn't eat too much into normal life when she is back at West Heath. But she is still at Selly Oak where visiting is half an hour later. So I still have to play it by ear. The whole point of locum work is to be flexible. I am lucky work are so supportive with my reduced hours at the moment and are showing no sign of wanting to end the booking.

My brain is already buzzing with things I feel need to be done today including visiting Edna and visiting her flat. It sounds ghoulish but I feel I need the paperwork relating to her funeral plan to hand so I know who I am calling when the time comes. I will do some exercise today and I will be cooking dinner for us - but the veg are already prepared ready for cooking. i did that yesterday. So I can have an easyish day with Tony - although whether I will get to watch the Formula 1 grand prix is debatable. As disruptions to life go on a scale of 1 to 10 that is -25!!

Hopefully today will be a home day, quality time with Tony.

Self image issues

The best antique is an old friend. - Anonymous

Are you a good friend?

Even if you aren't an antique lover, you can probably appreciate old things. The most worthwhile, long-term investment you can make is investing in relationships. A healthy, edifying friendship can have a huge impact on your well-being, character, and even your success. Old friends have seen us through celebrations, grief, births, graduations, marriages, and so much more. They love us for who we are--warts and all! Think about the most formative friendships in your life and consider writing a note of appreciation to each of your friends. Maybe there are some buddies that you need to reach out to because they have a need, or others you just need to reconnect with. Your gratitude shows them that they are cared for, which everyone needs to know.

This reflection is timely for m. I have realised my self image is veering towards the negative. I can understand why. I am tired, and I dont seem to be suceeding in any of my big goals. I can't do anything for Edna at the moment, I haven't managed to work a full week for ages, and as for wieght loss - well I am back to seeing myself as a fat failure again.

I get bored of feeling like this - and I am convinced my friends dont want to know about this, or me, or my problems so I am feeling lonely. Tony is on eof his moods as well whihc doesn't help because it has me wondering if it is due to anythign I have done. I know he will come out of it - and by tonight he will probably be as roght as rain . But I know that with my rational side - not my emotional side. Tony is my best an oldest friend. I am wondering if I need to show him I appreciate him - and how I can do that.

Even though it is Saturday I am up early and have done the full 10 10 10 workout. I will be off to Drotwich in a bit for my second Reiki training. I am hoping that will give me the lift I know I need.

Plod plod plod

Well todays workout wasn't exactly a plod. I am sitting here typing this having just finished my normal 30 minutes still breathing heavily and sweating Ten ten ten works well however the middle carduo is made up. Today it was 8 minutes boxing (I timed it) and 2 minutes jogging.

Yesterday went OK with food. No huge amounts of unhealthy food. But I have two persistent problems with Paul's rules. I really dont feel hungry before I go to work - but I have to eat before I get to work. And lunch (when I am hungry) has to be eaten in the car on the move at the moment. Exercise also went OK as I did an extra 20 minutes free step yesterday evening on top of the 32 minutes I did in the morning.

I am drinking loads. This morning I have had well over 500ml of water, 300ml of coffee and now have 300ml of Apple juice. I have a water bottle in the staff room and normally empty during the morning at work and I now keep a water bottle in the car so I can swig on the move.

So I am plodding on with maintaining the status quo with food and exercise - while Edna plods on in hospital. I have tried to get across to the staff that however good their intentions she doesnt want to eat and drink. She said yesterday se wished she was dead. And she meant it. I just hope I dont come across to the staff as a cold unfeeling relative who doesnt care when I tell them ho I beleive she feels. I may not be psychic or telepathic - but my intuition is very good for people and their feelings. And I know I am right about Edna.

To anyone reading this who now thinks I am unfeeling to be concentrating on my own health so much at the moment by recording how I do with food and exercise, I know what I will be facing in the near future. I remember what it was like when Alan died and I had to sort out everything. It amde me physically ill. I was exhausted. I can't afford to be ill for weeks as I was last year. Me being ill isn't ging to help anyone.

Just saw this on sparkpeople and had to include it

Does change stress you out? Do you feel anxious not knowing what is around the corner in life? It is unreasonable to expect the world to adapt for you; rather you must change to fit the world. Life is without a doubt, unpredictable. While it is natural to desire stability and consistency, life simply doesn't work that way all of the time. People pass away, financial situations change, relationships end--all without our consultation! The best solution is to develop a sense of humor and flexibility. Continue to set long-term goals, but keep your options and means for achieving those goals adaptable, just in case life decides to throw a wrench in your plans.

Plodding on

Thats what it feels like at the moment - although my workout was anything but plodding. For the cardio section of my work out this morning I managed the long jog AND the longer boxing programme (It says it is 6 minutes when you select it - but it ads 8 minutes to the clock at the end -must time it and see how long it is) Anyway 6(or 8) minutes of boxing plus 4 minutes jog is at LEAST 10 minutes. I am sitting her in a post workout sweat as I type this drinking a large mug of water.

I am doing OK with water at the moment. Food went OK yetsreday too. Lunch was chicken in a pitta bread eaten on the move in the car - not brilliant but needs must. Dinner was a fresh vegetable ragout with crispy bacon. I looked at what was in the fridge and concoted it myself. It was nice. Desert was fresh pinapple and kiwi frut with ice cream. I did have cheese and biscuits as a snack - plus biscuits and a rarity for me a chocolate bar. I am comfort eating and I know I am comfort eating - but I am keeping it to reasonable levels (if there is a reasonable level) But when you ahve spent hours with someone who was halluicnating and talking to people who wre not there and apparbetly doing invisible crocheting you need some comfort.

I managed a morning at work yesterday. Thank god being a locum they can't complain about the time I am NOT there as they dont have to pay me. Unless I get a really bad report from the hospital when I ring I will be at work this morning too.

So I am plodding on and marking time until I see what is going to happen to Edna.

Back to work

I am going back to work today - but I am only planning on working mornings for the rest of this week. I will play it by ear depending on Edna's situation.

I managed to get up when the alarm went off. I can't say I leaped out of bed - but I didn't lie there 'for just a couple of minutes more' I have fed the cats, loaded the dishwasher, sorted out some laundry and done my 30 minutes on the wii fit - 10 minutes Step plus, 10 minutes boxing and jogging and 10 minutes free step.

I have realised why my back plays up more in the morning than at other times. The bed is overdue for replacement - so that is now high on my list of priorities - a new bed with a decent mattress.

Tuning in I have a niggly back and a niggly gut. I also feel bloated as well as hungry. I will draw a veil over yesterdays food intake - but I basically said to hell with everyones' rules for eating . I didnt binge - but I did a lot of comfort eating and wasn't too bothered about the lifestyle rules either. I didnt drink enough water - and really haven't botheres much with water since Edna's fall. So I can understand my physical feelings.

Emotionally - I am quite calm all tings considered - and determined is the other word I would use. I am determined to get through this without collapsing in a heap in the corner.

And thought or question - well I suppose how long will Edna be in hospital?

I am not really hungry - but I know I WILL be hungry during the morning if I dont have breakfast. But I dont really fancy anything. I guess I will just have to carry finger food with me so I can eat on the move. That is the downside of "eat when you are hungry" It assumes when you ARE hungry you can stop and eat. Work is a hard taskmistress in that respect. Eating on the move doesnt really allow you to savour the food either - but it is probably better to do that than eat just because it is breakfast time. At least I am still thinking about what when and how I eat.

I have realised the niggly gut I mentioned before is almost certainly a sign of a gut going on strike. Given the emotional turmoil and disruption in my eating I am not surprised that constipation has set in. Edna's crises ALWAYS kick off some physical problem for me. IBS is easier to manage than cystitis. I am grateful for small mercies- and am going to dose myself up with Movical

I wonder..............

What kind of emotional atmosphere are you creating?

Positive people are almost always natural leaders and motivators. People gravitate towards them, just as they avoid individuals who continually mope or complain. Take a look at your own attitude. Is it one that others would want to emulate in their own lives? Instead of jumping to throw in a negative comment, try to think of something good to say instead. By no means hold in your feelings, but remember that no one likes to be surrounded by constant pessimism. Attitudes are contagious so fill your environment with happiness, enthusiasm, and optimism!

I doubt very much if I am radiating optimism,enthusiasm and happiness this morning. I dint think anyone would expect me to under the circumstances. But that reflection is a reminder that I am having an effect on those round me. I was talking to Tony yesterday about Edna and made the comment that if she went back to Fosters I couldn't cope - and Tony added WE couldn't cope.

I am looking at the wii fit and thinking bugger it. I dont feel like doing anything this morning. I just want to sit and veg out. Forget about exercise, forget about managing my food, and just relax.

I am not going to work today. They are not expecting me in at all this week. I think I ought to go back as Edna has improved from Sunday - but I am so SO tired.

I need to listen to my body, acknowledge the emotions and then maybe I can back on track with my health initiatives

Questions but no answers

It ia 7.30 am. I am up, and I have exercised quite well. Only 28 minutes but I stepped back down to the 3 minures of boxing. My brain is too scrambled to remember the longer patterns on the intermediate. I got a fantastic burn rate of 192% on the long jog, and cocked up 1250 steps in 10 minutes of free stepping. I have drunk water and haven't eaten becasue I font feel hungry.

So the day has got off to a good start. How it will continue is of course anyones guess. I dont know if I am going to go to work. I dont know if I could concentrate. A lot will depend on what they tell me about Edna when I ring the hospital. If they tell me she is much improved then possibly I will go in. But even if they say she is sitting up in bed and chatting that doesn't mean that much. She was technically 'sitting up in bed and chatting' yesterday. It is very hampering that they wont give real information over the phone. Its OK if I end up speaking to someone who knows me and has read Edna's notes.

One thing I am sure about is I am not going to cope if I sit around moping. So even if I decide work is out - and to be honest my concentration is liable to be aweful - I intend to try and keep to a normalish routine. Hence the exercise this morning. And I will get my meditation in,

To be honest I think the meditation is what is keeping me sane at the moment and stopping me from going to pieces. Without the meditation I think it would be very tricky to adhere to the reiki principals. The first principal is 'Just for today do not worry' That is very hard to do.

I have been trying to analyze my feelings today and I am not worried - but I am frightened. I am frightened about how life is inevitably going to chage whatever the outcome of this. Either Edna will die, or she will going into a residential care home. Going back to Fosters is not on the cards. They are both HUGE changes from my perspective - both very liberating since I will be releived of a massive responsibility. I just know the journey from here to which ever end we get to is going to be emotional and difficult. It is normal to be scared when you know you have to face something unpleasant.

Struggling

Today was Daniel's christening and Steve and I went to the lunch afterwards. Steve more or less bullied me into going. I was going to duck out after the service because I didnt really feel like being sociable. But Steve told me it would make me feel better, do me good - and I finally gave in.

The luncj was a carvery - and to be honest not that impressive. But the important thing was I really couldn't eat everything - and I didn't have desert. So Something went right.

Afterwards we went to see Edna - and that was upsetting.

I am tired, and I cant really write any more

No point in pretending

I am not going to attempt to say that excercise and food are going brilliantly at the moment. I am under stress with Edna's situation - she is going for surgery in about an hour - and I am NOT superwoman.

I have been comfort eating - but my eating patterns are so irregular I am missing meals.I was at the hospital for 4 hours yesterdy and am getting ready to go there this morning so I can go down to theatre with Edna. If I could go in with her I would - but maybe its just as well I can't.

The wi fit is sulking at me - but I may turn it on later. Exercise is a breat stress releiver and soem boxing could be JUST what I need.

I can't think beyond her surgery at the moment

Just when things seemed settled

Edna has had a fall, has fractured her femur round the pin of the artificial hip inserted after a fall 8 years ago, is in hospital, and may be facing surgery.

Life is a bit disrupted today - what a wonderful piece of british understatement.

I was at the hospital until 11 last night, As I got the news about the fall when I was on my way over to see her after work, I was out from 9.00 am until 11.00pm with no break, and nothing to eat for 10 hours from my lunch at 1.00pm until I got home. So when I did get home and nuke the dinner Tony had cooked for me 5 hours earlier - all the rules went out of the window surprise surprise.

But comfort eating isn't going to help me and wont help Edna so I am not going to go there.

Tuning in ths morning I am tired, thirsty (water also went by the board as I didnt take enyhting in with me and coudnt leave Edna to get anything. Also she was so thirsty and to drink in front of her would have been so cruel) and have a pain in my neck where I slept oddly I think. (A pain in the neck - apt) I am not really hungry. Emotion is worry. Question - Is she going to survive this and if she does what does this mean for her future life?

More changes are on the way.

Body test

I did an abbreviated body test (didnt' bother with the athletic ability bit) and not much to my surprise my net weight loss is 0.

But that original weight would have been done in clothing that weighed less (light short nightie as opposed to velvety longsleeved kaftan that I know weighs 1lb) Also I would have been slightly paranoid and not drunk anything before the test whereas today (having forgotten a test was due) I gulped down a glass of water when I woke up. So I actually feel quite pleased.

My exercise routine went well. I stepped up to the 6 minute boxing programme. Made a hash of it but with pracrice I will learn and remember the patternss they way I did with step plus. It just takes persistence.

I had 2 mantra;s during the free step. BMI of 35 and I will not eat biscuits. I keep thinking how much wieght I MIGHT have lost if I hadn't eaten biscuits. Having drastically reduced the amount of chocolates and crisps I eat, with very little effort, I just need to work on biscuits. I need to work out what they give me - then work out where else I can get that with a healthier food. This actually isnt about weight loss it is about geting healthy.

Tuning in this morning I feel good. Slight back and IBS niggles but much less than they were. Emotionally I am calm. Energised but concerned. And the question is - what will happen when I see Edna this evening .

A good food day

It has gone well. I really cut down on biscuits. I drank LOADS or water, I ate slowly, and I still feel really positive about things

Reiki ROCKS

Keeping up the momentum

That is what I am trying to do today. Yesterday was a good day. OK food wasnt brilliant. I ate too many biscuits. If I could cut them out I would be losing weight I am sure. I need to really sit and think about why I cant break that habit - becasue that is what it is. It isnt a huge craving - its just habit when I come in form work.

Now I am eating slowly regularly and drinking lots of water (the two habits I have been working on) maybe that is the next habit I should concentrate on. Although to be honest the slow eating is slipping a bit too.

Tomorrow is my wii fot goal day - and I am not sure yet if I am going to weigh in or not.

But exercise went well today. 2 x step plus a log jog, 3 minutes of boxing (with a new record score) and 10 minutes of free stepping. I know I have done it.

I have drunk loads this morning. Water when I got up, lemon tea, more water when I finished the tea and apple juice with my breakfast. I have drunk over a litre already today.

I still feel energised. Given the situation I am in with Edna I am doing amazingly well. I have no qualms about going to work. I am not worried about coping at work, I feel I have Edna;s situation under as much control as it can be . In short I feel great.

And in McKenna terms I know why I feel great. With the meditations especially the self healing I am focussing on feeling healthy. Is it any wonder I am feeling healthy? And if reiki is the framework that works for me - I am not going to stop.

New season new start??

I guess 1st September means not only is it a new month but that we are now in autumn. As today is the first day of the working week I guess that is another psychological 'start' So I guess that could be what accounts for the amazing way things have gone so far today - and it is only 7.30am!!

I slept well . I woke up twice but each time managed to get back to sleep easily - wthhout having to resort to putting the radio on. Second time that wasn't an option anyway because Tony was in bed with me. I could have used my earphones but I didnt bother. The alarm woke me up and I got straight out of bed.

The Wii fit went straight on and I decided to do a odified 10 10 10 routine with the middle 10 being split between joggin and boxing. 2 reps pf step plus, 1 long run and 1 session of boxing later (got my highest score yet on the boxing) and I set up for free stepping - except I made a mistake and ended up setting it for 20 minutes not 10. I hoenstly didnt realise until the counter flew part 30 and up to 38 what I had done. And I feel great. I feel fantastic.

Doing a beyond chocolate 'tune in' I am aware of slight back niggles and slight IBS discomfort - but nothing major. The emotion is ...........well what emotion is 'bring it on world give it your best shot and I'll cope with it' confidence I guess. And my thought is 'wow something is working'

Food and exercise yesterday were a bust. I am going to draw a line under it forget it and move on.

Today has started SO much better. I have had one cup of evil caffeinated coffee, lots of water, and am now drinking decaf tea with lemon while I eat my breakfast of one weetabix with 2 kiwi fruit, plain yoghurt and some lemon juice.

I am looking forward to work - well maybe that's not the right term. I have no doubts about going to work even though there are Edna issues I need to sort out. Often part of me will think 'I wish I didnt have to go to work so I could sort that out in person rather than by phone' I am not feeling that work is going to get in the way of things is the best way to explain it.

I need to work. Not only for financial reasons but because I need the mental stimulation. I am lucky I can afford to work reduced hours. My decision to retire from full time work has been proved to be the correct time and time again. Also if I was at home all the time Tony and I would be on top of each other. We love spending time together - but we do both need time apart.

I am confident about my reationships this morning as well !!

I cant finish this entry without talking about water. I want to scream to the cosmos ' I HAVE GOT THE MESSAGE YOU CAN STOP TELLING ME I NEED TO DRINK MORE WATER'

What does Paul advocate as part of his weight loss programme? Water. What did the incontinence nurse advise me to do? Drink more water. What does the reiki manual advise me to do ? Drink plenty of water.

To be honest thats why I am drinking lemon tea rather than coffee that I know I would have milk in. Its not quite water - but closer than coffee would be.

All I have to do now is work out how to do that at work when I have to keep vanishing from the dispensary to drink. If we still have the empty bottle from the Pendle weekend I can fill that so that I can just go in and have a gulp without having to stop and wash up a cup or glass.

I must finish now - but not without recording that it is now 8.00 and I still haven't finished my breakfast.