I overdid it yesterday. Rushing around to get skirting board,then painting the ceiling at Steve's with a long handled roller was a bit too much for me. I couldnt be bothered to cook last night so we had pizza delivered .
I feel very sluggish this morning and very creaky. Yesterday I didnt do a work out, didnt have a particularly healthy diet, didnt eat the pizza as slowly as I should.
But this morning I have drunk a lot but not felt like eating - so I havent had breakfast yet. I will switxh on the Wiiifit and do a work out. If I do anything at Steve's today it will be much easier and less physical strenuous than yesterday.
This has been a real reminder that physically there are real limits gt what and how much I can do. It is no accident that my DS mental age is younger than my Wiifit body age, Thats why I want to work in a physiocally easy but mentally challenging environment.
Today I need to do some serious work. I must go over the pandemic flu stuff from the CPPE. I may not have work booked at the moment - but if the pandemic is confirmed I suspect hopsitals will be given money similar to the 'winter pressures' money they get every winter to cope with the fcat the increase in illness.. And pharmacists would be key people they would want to make sure they have around. And since I know Selly oaks admission ward well, I would be very useful to them. So I need to be sure my knowledge is up to date in case they call.
Thursday 30 April 2009
Wednesday 29 April 2009
Somoen is trying to tell me something
The healthy reflection from Sparkpeople today is almost pure McKenna. It is the central core of CYLI7D. Coming so soon after my decision to see if I can train my natural empathy up more it really does feel as if I am being told 'Yes go for it'
Feeling that I am on the right track is a huge boost.
'Limitations can either define us or give us a challenge to outwit. When you look at your abilities, do you see boundaries and limits, or do you see possibilities and potential? Obsessing about weaknesses can blind us to the untapped abilities we already have. You have talent. Everyone does. The secret to success is to find that talent, develop it and push it as far as you can. Grandma Moses might have been a lousy bowler, Einstein probably couldn't sing a lick, Michelangelo could've been unable to speak well in public. So what? They knew what they were good at and rode that pony. Your talent might be right in front of you: where do you get the most compliments? What seems to come easily to you? What do people ask your advice for? Live there. Don't let the rest get in the way. '
Feeling that I am on the right track is a huge boost.
'Limitations can either define us or give us a challenge to outwit. When you look at your abilities, do you see boundaries and limits, or do you see possibilities and potential? Obsessing about weaknesses can blind us to the untapped abilities we already have. You have talent. Everyone does. The secret to success is to find that talent, develop it and push it as far as you can. Grandma Moses might have been a lousy bowler, Einstein probably couldn't sing a lick, Michelangelo could've been unable to speak well in public. So what? They knew what they were good at and rode that pony. Your talent might be right in front of you: where do you get the most compliments? What seems to come easily to you? What do people ask your advice for? Live there. Don't let the rest get in the way. '
Tuesday 28 April 2009
Oh yes I am trying .......and how!
I hope it isn't possible to overdose on trances - because I may be at risk if it is. Last night I listened to the weight loss CD and this morning I listened to 'Change your life in 7 days'. I feel energised and very positive. I know this is mainly due to my acticity yesterday when I made a plan - and did everything that needed doing - plus a bit more.
I haven't exercised yet this morning but that will be next move after breakfast. I am eating my breakfast slowly and I strongly suspect I wont be able to finish it.
I did much better with food yesterday. I did have some biscuits - but was also able to refuse them when I was offered some. I didn't snack during the game last night. I have also realised that I HAVE LOST NEARLY HALF A STONE. 12 weeka ago when I got the Wiifit I would have been delighted to realise I would have lost so much weight in such a relatively short time - and with so little pain in the food department.
The facts in front of me are the same as yesterday. What has changed is my perspective on them. And that is what all Pauls programmes are about - changing your perspective to give yourself a different view of whatever you are trying to address whether it is weight loss, insomnia, smoking, depression or seemingly intractable personal issues. I think the story that best typifies his approach is of the man who ate an airoplane. It took him a long long time and he did it one small piece at a time - but he did it. Paul helps me break down huge unmanageable issues to little manageable tasks. So I dont sit here thinking 'help I cant possibly lose 4 stone - and I really should be trying to lose 6 stone' I sit hear dealing with THIS meal and planning my next excercise session, and my work for today. And hey in 6 weels or 12 weeks time I may suddenly realise I have lost ANOTHER half a stone.
I think why Paul's method works for me is that it speaks to something fundamental in my personaility. The side of me that refuses to write of homeopathy as bunkum despite the scorn of some of my fellow professionals. The side of me that wants to explore the paranormal and see if I have any psychic ability. I would love to see if someone who was totally materialistic could use Paul's programmes. I susoect not. I know someone who bought 'I can make you thin' but wrotw it off becasue she 'fell asleep' listening to the CD and decided it couldnt possibly work. She was a no-nonsense utterly practical type of person. Me - I am a dreamer and always have been.
Anyway as therapeutic and enjoyable as this writing is, it is time to staop thinking and start doing.
And for the record - my breakfast is unfinished.
I haven't exercised yet this morning but that will be next move after breakfast. I am eating my breakfast slowly and I strongly suspect I wont be able to finish it.
I did much better with food yesterday. I did have some biscuits - but was also able to refuse them when I was offered some. I didn't snack during the game last night. I have also realised that I HAVE LOST NEARLY HALF A STONE. 12 weeka ago when I got the Wiifit I would have been delighted to realise I would have lost so much weight in such a relatively short time - and with so little pain in the food department.
The facts in front of me are the same as yesterday. What has changed is my perspective on them. And that is what all Pauls programmes are about - changing your perspective to give yourself a different view of whatever you are trying to address whether it is weight loss, insomnia, smoking, depression or seemingly intractable personal issues. I think the story that best typifies his approach is of the man who ate an airoplane. It took him a long long time and he did it one small piece at a time - but he did it. Paul helps me break down huge unmanageable issues to little manageable tasks. So I dont sit here thinking 'help I cant possibly lose 4 stone - and I really should be trying to lose 6 stone' I sit hear dealing with THIS meal and planning my next excercise session, and my work for today. And hey in 6 weels or 12 weeks time I may suddenly realise I have lost ANOTHER half a stone.
I think why Paul's method works for me is that it speaks to something fundamental in my personaility. The side of me that refuses to write of homeopathy as bunkum despite the scorn of some of my fellow professionals. The side of me that wants to explore the paranormal and see if I have any psychic ability. I would love to see if someone who was totally materialistic could use Paul's programmes. I susoect not. I know someone who bought 'I can make you thin' but wrotw it off becasue she 'fell asleep' listening to the CD and decided it couldnt possibly work. She was a no-nonsense utterly practical type of person. Me - I am a dreamer and always have been.
Anyway as therapeutic and enjoyable as this writing is, it is time to staop thinking and start doing.
And for the record - my breakfast is unfinished.
Monday 27 April 2009
At least I'm trying
Well last night for the first time in weeks I listened to Paul's weight loss tape. Anf this morning I plucked up my courage to do the body test. I really cocked up the athletic ability test so I'm ignoring my new Wiifit age of 66. But my weight is 1 lb down. 1lb in a month isnt brilliant - but at least its moving in the right direction. With the way I havent been following Paul's rules I guess that is some sort of triumph. How much would I have lost if I hadnt given into the urge to eat biscuits?
OK so I can now start again How many times have I tried to restart? I am beggining to feel like a broken record. I need to find a way to break the viscious circle I seem to be in.
One of the things the medium said to me was that I have a terrific weight on my shoulders. I forget her exact words (I wish I could remember) but I remember the sense . She visiualised me being pushed down by this weight across both shoulders. That certainbly describes very accurately how I feel about things - mainly Edna. But is that real or is it made worse by my poor self image? I managed to cure myself of depression 3 years ago by doing excercises to help my self image. I came off anti-depressant less than 6 months after doing 'Change your life in 7 days' And that was after 10 years on and off the drugs.
No-one can get me out of this pit I am except me. I need to find the way out. I did it before - and I willl do it again.
I will start by admitting that to have lost ANY wieght over the last month is pretty damn remarkable and shows I have been doing something right. Thats 6 1lbs in 12 weeks. OK I will never be slimmer of the year - but I wasnt aming to be. I put the weight on slowly - probably half a pund a week. There is nothing wrong with taking it off slowly.
And all the other issues in my life? Well I suspoect I will cope better once I've got the correct perspective on things - including me.
So let me make a plan for today to keep myself focussed. I need to pay 2 bills, make a phonecall and go and do some painting at Steve's house. I need to go to Edna's to get the one bill (its for her) but that isnt a very difficult programeme for today - and it will acheive a lot.
I need to acheive things to feel good abut myself. I wonder what that says about me? Answers on a psotcard please to....... or as a comment on the blog!!
OK so I can now start again How many times have I tried to restart? I am beggining to feel like a broken record. I need to find a way to break the viscious circle I seem to be in.
One of the things the medium said to me was that I have a terrific weight on my shoulders. I forget her exact words (I wish I could remember) but I remember the sense . She visiualised me being pushed down by this weight across both shoulders. That certainbly describes very accurately how I feel about things - mainly Edna. But is that real or is it made worse by my poor self image? I managed to cure myself of depression 3 years ago by doing excercises to help my self image. I came off anti-depressant less than 6 months after doing 'Change your life in 7 days' And that was after 10 years on and off the drugs.
No-one can get me out of this pit I am except me. I need to find the way out. I did it before - and I willl do it again.
I will start by admitting that to have lost ANY wieght over the last month is pretty damn remarkable and shows I have been doing something right. Thats 6 1lbs in 12 weeks. OK I will never be slimmer of the year - but I wasnt aming to be. I put the weight on slowly - probably half a pund a week. There is nothing wrong with taking it off slowly.
And all the other issues in my life? Well I suspoect I will cope better once I've got the correct perspective on things - including me.
So let me make a plan for today to keep myself focussed. I need to pay 2 bills, make a phonecall and go and do some painting at Steve's house. I need to go to Edna's to get the one bill (its for her) but that isnt a very difficult programeme for today - and it will acheive a lot.
I need to acheive things to feel good abut myself. I wonder what that says about me? Answers on a psotcard please to....... or as a comment on the blog!!
Sunday 26 April 2009
Self image
Yesterday was a very VERY bad food day. But I did get an amazing boost to my self esteem = and the possibility of an interesting new option that could continue to boost my self esteem.
I went on a ghost hunt last night and ended up having an amazing conversation with one of the mediums. I am an open minded sceptic about things paranormal. I have seen something I have to describe as a 'ghost' but dont feel I have sufficient knowledge to say what a 'ghost' is. I believe in psychic powers and mediumship - but don't assume they are talking to the dead. I am also very aware of how such things can be faked in the right circumstances. Last night I was priviledged to witness an improptu reading, during a break in the main activity of the night, that was not being staged for anyone's benefit. And it was obvious from the reactions of the person receving the information that the information was spot on. The person receiving the reading had not sought one - and the medium was not gaining anything by giving it. It was totally spontaneous. Then a few minutes later I was in a private converstaion with the medium (who sought me out) and she gave me some very uncanny insights some of which could have been deduced by a clever 'cold reader' but some of which could not - and I know no-one else at the event knew the information she gave me.
I have always been fascinated by the paranormal and psychic powers. I have always wished I had some sort of power. It woudl make me feel a bit special. The medium beleives everyone has a 6th sense - and that anyone can train themselves to use it. So I am going to try since the one ability I have that could be psychic in origin (empathy) is something I would like to develop for all sorts of reasons.
Paul's programmes are underpinned by a very subtle spirituality . His core message in all his programmes is know yourself, love yourself - because until your love yourself you can't love anyone else or really achieve anything becasue all your time is spent trying to change yourself. OK in the weight programme you are trying to change something very fundamental about yourself - but part of that change is learning to love and apprecate yourself AS YOU ARE. Its all about changing your perceptions. You are not a fat failure - you are a unique human being who has something special to offer the world.But knowing and understanding yourself are at the core of all the major religions. I suppressed my spiritual side for years. I now cultivate it and I know I do best when I am in tune with the spiritual needs. Training my sixth sense is well in accordnace with that.
I am excited even though I have a horrible feeling that when I do the bosy test in a few minutes I will not be receiving good news.
I went on a ghost hunt last night and ended up having an amazing conversation with one of the mediums. I am an open minded sceptic about things paranormal. I have seen something I have to describe as a 'ghost' but dont feel I have sufficient knowledge to say what a 'ghost' is. I believe in psychic powers and mediumship - but don't assume they are talking to the dead. I am also very aware of how such things can be faked in the right circumstances. Last night I was priviledged to witness an improptu reading, during a break in the main activity of the night, that was not being staged for anyone's benefit. And it was obvious from the reactions of the person receving the information that the information was spot on. The person receiving the reading had not sought one - and the medium was not gaining anything by giving it. It was totally spontaneous. Then a few minutes later I was in a private converstaion with the medium (who sought me out) and she gave me some very uncanny insights some of which could have been deduced by a clever 'cold reader' but some of which could not - and I know no-one else at the event knew the information she gave me.
I have always been fascinated by the paranormal and psychic powers. I have always wished I had some sort of power. It woudl make me feel a bit special. The medium beleives everyone has a 6th sense - and that anyone can train themselves to use it. So I am going to try since the one ability I have that could be psychic in origin (empathy) is something I would like to develop for all sorts of reasons.
Paul's programmes are underpinned by a very subtle spirituality . His core message in all his programmes is know yourself, love yourself - because until your love yourself you can't love anyone else or really achieve anything becasue all your time is spent trying to change yourself. OK in the weight programme you are trying to change something very fundamental about yourself - but part of that change is learning to love and apprecate yourself AS YOU ARE. Its all about changing your perceptions. You are not a fat failure - you are a unique human being who has something special to offer the world.But knowing and understanding yourself are at the core of all the major religions. I suppressed my spiritual side for years. I now cultivate it and I know I do best when I am in tune with the spiritual needs. Training my sixth sense is well in accordnace with that.
I am excited even though I have a horrible feeling that when I do the bosy test in a few minutes I will not be receiving good news.
Saturday 25 April 2009
Healthy reflection
'When was the last time your doctor told you to stay home and watch "Seinfeld"? Or suggested a night out at the circus? Or told you to play fetch with a dog? It probably hasn't happened, but the day may not be far off. Laughter and fun are great ways to break down the walls of stress, preventing both mental and physical damage. Play time loosens up joints constricted by tension and poor posture. It brightens your attitude and is a healthy outlet for the most troubled thoughts. Even during our time off, it seems like we still spend a lot of time working--as a handyman, chauffer, mechanic, negotiator, therapist, cook, activist, or whatever is called for. Next time you're starting to feel the strain, think about how long it's been since you just played for the fun of it. It might be longer than you think. Then go buy yourself a toy.'
I think the answer to this one for me is probably too long - but I don;t seem to have the time to play at the moment.
Still I do take 'me 'time.
I'm feeling down again - and Tony's upset stomach isn't helping. I just hope he does make it to the ghost hunt. I\ll still go even if he doesnt, but I am very fed up of the way Tony so often ends up poorly when we are due to go out. I know it isnnt deliberate - but it does make me wonder what is going on in his subconcious.
I think the answer to this one for me is probably too long - but I don;t seem to have the time to play at the moment.
Still I do take 'me 'time.
I'm feeling down again - and Tony's upset stomach isn't helping. I just hope he does make it to the ghost hunt. I\ll still go even if he doesnt, but I am very fed up of the way Tony so often ends up poorly when we are due to go out. I know it isnnt deliberate - but it does make me wonder what is going on in his subconcious.
Friday 24 April 2009
A new day
I've made a good start today. A really satisfying workout -including an island lap. I wasnt hungry when I got up but after the workout I was and I have just had a delicious healthy breakfast, eaten slowly (although not as slowly as I would like) and I have managed to leave a token slice of kiwi fruit in the bowl. But I am still hungry so I think toast may be in the offing if I still feel hungry when I've finished my drink. I am hoping to get into the garden today and give my plants some hope of success and I'm thinking of planting some carrots if I can buy a container.
Steve has just turned up :-) That is always good for my mood. Hopefully that is a sign that I am on track today. A good day today will help me out of the doldrums even further.
Steve has just turned up :-) That is always good for my mood. Hopefully that is a sign that I am on track today. A good day today will help me out of the doldrums even further.
Thursday 23 April 2009
Still struggling
I've had a reasonably good day today foodwise and having had a stunning success today with Edna I should feel really buoyed up - but all I feel is tired.
The snacking is back to MUCH lower levels now, so I've clearly manged to get some sense back into my brain.
I've kept up with the Wiifit so I am holding my own in staying healthy - even if I am not achieving much in improving my health.
Under the circumstances I feel I am doing OK. I am coming out of doldrums - s,owly but surely
The snacking is back to MUCH lower levels now, so I've clearly manged to get some sense back into my brain.
I've kept up with the Wiifit so I am holding my own in staying healthy - even if I am not achieving much in improving my health.
Under the circumstances I feel I am doing OK. I am coming out of doldrums - s,owly but surely
Wednesday 22 April 2009
Self motivation
After pigging out last nigh on doritos, and sinking into a pit of despair over Edna I felt this morning I needed some major action to make myself feel better ....... about everything including myself.
So far this morning I have done a 30 minute workout on the Wii fit (yoga, advanced step basics twice, begginers boxing twice and for the first time in ages an island lap) So I have clokced up 30 satisfying minutes, definitley donesome cario excercise and hipefully have raised my serotonin levels - excercise is natures anti-depressant - scientifically proved.
I have also removed any need for me to go over to Mosely today to see Edna. Since we cant do anything at Steve's today either while we wait for the plaster to dry, that means I have a day to do what I want and spend some quality time with Tony
Since I dont feel hungry but am thirsty I have made myself a breakfast smoothie (milk yoghurt banana and strawberries) which I am drinking instead of breakfast, I dont think I will be able to finish it. I also dont think I have got the recipe quite right either. It lacks a bit of zing. Possibly too much yoghurt. I do know it muct be pretty low calorie though and that makes me feel very disciplined and good about myself. I also have to allow for the fact that tonight I know I know I am goig to be induslging in something chocolaty that Rob is brining round - and he told me to lay in some cream. Well I;ve gone for a substitie with 30% less fat 0- but I know that taste will be just as good.
I am looking for ways - ANY ways to prove to myself that I donlt need to see myself as a fat lump pf a failure - but basically that IS how I see myself at the moment. So control ,discipline ,excercise, and doing things I like and am good at is what I am going to concentrate on today.
I am also going to relax - since I am sure tiredness is also a factor.
So far this morning I have done a 30 minute workout on the Wii fit (yoga, advanced step basics twice, begginers boxing twice and for the first time in ages an island lap) So I have clokced up 30 satisfying minutes, definitley donesome cario excercise and hipefully have raised my serotonin levels - excercise is natures anti-depressant - scientifically proved.
I have also removed any need for me to go over to Mosely today to see Edna. Since we cant do anything at Steve's today either while we wait for the plaster to dry, that means I have a day to do what I want and spend some quality time with Tony
Since I dont feel hungry but am thirsty I have made myself a breakfast smoothie (milk yoghurt banana and strawberries) which I am drinking instead of breakfast, I dont think I will be able to finish it. I also dont think I have got the recipe quite right either. It lacks a bit of zing. Possibly too much yoghurt. I do know it muct be pretty low calorie though and that makes me feel very disciplined and good about myself. I also have to allow for the fact that tonight I know I know I am goig to be induslging in something chocolaty that Rob is brining round - and he told me to lay in some cream. Well I;ve gone for a substitie with 30% less fat 0- but I know that taste will be just as good.
I am looking for ways - ANY ways to prove to myself that I donlt need to see myself as a fat lump pf a failure - but basically that IS how I see myself at the moment. So control ,discipline ,excercise, and doing things I like and am good at is what I am going to concentrate on today.
I am also going to relax - since I am sure tiredness is also a factor.
Tuesday 21 April 2009
Geting out of the doldrums
There is no doubt I am very much in the doldrums at the moment. I know a lot of it is down to the fact that I just don't have any control over what is going on. If Edna knew she might believe I really did understand why she is so fed up - becasue I know she feels as if life is slipping out of her control. And sadly she is right - but that's because of her illness. However I don't have dementia and should have the mental capacity to use reason and logic to get myself out the situation I find myself.
So lets start with the big problem - Edna. I really don;t have any control over this and can only go with the flow. But that is an issue for my other blog.
Work or the lack of it. I need to give myself a huge kick up the backside about this one. Pharmacists are in short supply. Hospital work has dried up becasue of budgetary considerations that will hopefully vanish in May. I can always activate my PPLS registration and get some community work through them. The agency that contacted me yesterday may find me some suitable work - although that would be permanent so the salary would be lower. The work not be exactly what I would like to do - but when I am ready I am sure work will be available. I just broke off from blogging to email the agency -who gave me the impression the closest work they could find me was in Warwickshire - to ask if my details could be passed on to whoever deals with Birmingham. Its my own fault as the original advert I responded to was for positions in Wrawickshire - but then I was putting out feelers for anything even vaguely local.
My weight. I know this isn't going well. Biscuits and crisps (my normal downfalls) have been back on the menu. Paul gives some advice in his book in the Question and answer section. Apparently some people contact him and say 'Why has the programme stopped working?' His answer is always - 'You are not following the programme' and he advises them to concentrate on slowing their eating right down. Thats what I am going to do. Hopefully that will give me back the control I seem to be lacking at the moment
Steve's house is making progress. The living room should be decorated by the end of this week. And that mean our house is that much closer to being sorted out too
My problems really aren't that out of control - except for Edna - so I have no need to feel as down as I do. And I am doing what I can.
As Jim is plastering at Steve's today I will concentrate on this house - and maybe the garden since it is lovely and sunny. Some fresh air and sunshine will do me the power of good!!
So lets start with the big problem - Edna. I really don;t have any control over this and can only go with the flow. But that is an issue for my other blog.
Work or the lack of it. I need to give myself a huge kick up the backside about this one. Pharmacists are in short supply. Hospital work has dried up becasue of budgetary considerations that will hopefully vanish in May. I can always activate my PPLS registration and get some community work through them. The agency that contacted me yesterday may find me some suitable work - although that would be permanent so the salary would be lower. The work not be exactly what I would like to do - but when I am ready I am sure work will be available. I just broke off from blogging to email the agency -who gave me the impression the closest work they could find me was in Warwickshire - to ask if my details could be passed on to whoever deals with Birmingham. Its my own fault as the original advert I responded to was for positions in Wrawickshire - but then I was putting out feelers for anything even vaguely local.
My weight. I know this isn't going well. Biscuits and crisps (my normal downfalls) have been back on the menu. Paul gives some advice in his book in the Question and answer section. Apparently some people contact him and say 'Why has the programme stopped working?' His answer is always - 'You are not following the programme' and he advises them to concentrate on slowing their eating right down. Thats what I am going to do. Hopefully that will give me back the control I seem to be lacking at the moment
Steve's house is making progress. The living room should be decorated by the end of this week. And that mean our house is that much closer to being sorted out too
My problems really aren't that out of control - except for Edna - so I have no need to feel as down as I do. And I am doing what I can.
As Jim is plastering at Steve's today I will concentrate on this house - and maybe the garden since it is lovely and sunny. Some fresh air and sunshine will do me the power of good!!
Monday 20 April 2009
A new routine
OK today is the start of a at least two weeks with no paid work and I jave to keep my food and excercise programmes together. In fact I need to look actively at my exercise program to make up the fact that I am not walking the corridors and wards of the hospital.
I do have lotsd to do. Decorating at Steve's gardening here, and this house needs a spring clean. And of course there will be visists to Edna. So I won't exactly be a couch potato. But I think I need to crank up my Wii fit routine.
I have also got ot be very careful and roigorous in sticking to Pauls rules. I am sitting here, I have eaten my breakfast - not as slowly as I should have done and I still feel hungry. I'm not sure if it is emotional or real hunger. I could so easily sit here and chobble a couple of peices of toast. But I'm not going to. I'm going to findih my coffee, then have some water and turn on the Wii fit. If I still feel hungry after that THEN I will do myself some toast.
Yesterday I hit a low point - as my FB status showed when I dsimally asked if anyone would notice if I fell off the world. I know I MJUST pick myself up from there. Yesteday I felt I had failed in som many ways. Today I need to convert those failures into 'learning opportunities' and improve my self image.
One failure yesterday was in following Pauls rules. I did a fair bit of comfort eating and almost totally forgot the rules. I must get back on track.
I do have lotsd to do. Decorating at Steve's gardening here, and this house needs a spring clean. And of course there will be visists to Edna. So I won't exactly be a couch potato. But I think I need to crank up my Wii fit routine.
I have also got ot be very careful and roigorous in sticking to Pauls rules. I am sitting here, I have eaten my breakfast - not as slowly as I should have done and I still feel hungry. I'm not sure if it is emotional or real hunger. I could so easily sit here and chobble a couple of peices of toast. But I'm not going to. I'm going to findih my coffee, then have some water and turn on the Wii fit. If I still feel hungry after that THEN I will do myself some toast.
Yesterday I hit a low point - as my FB status showed when I dsimally asked if anyone would notice if I fell off the world. I know I MJUST pick myself up from there. Yesteday I felt I had failed in som many ways. Today I need to convert those failures into 'learning opportunities' and improve my self image.
One failure yesterday was in following Pauls rules. I did a fair bit of comfort eating and almost totally forgot the rules. I must get back on track.
Sunday 19 April 2009
Something to think abour
Giving It Your All
If you can do your best and forget your worst, you've already got a head start on tomorrow. As long as you lay it out there every day, you can relax when yesterday is behind you. Of course, the only way this will happen is if you give yourself permission to forget. You can use this approach in anything: Pick up a problem, do what you can with it, and then put it down. Work your tail off at the office, then leave it there (the work, not your tail). Deal with a personal crisis by finishing off one day at a time. There's a great deal of satisfaction in leaving things be for a moment. There's a great deal of freedom in knowing that you could do no more. And there's a great deal of success awaiting the person who gives it her all, no matter what.
I really REALLY need to take the advice given above and learn to forget about yesterdays mistakes. I really have enough problems today without worrying about yesterdays as well. Of course you need to learn from mistakes so you don't repeat them.
You also need the mindset that says you can learn from them and do better next time. That is waht I don't have at the moment. I can't see any way to stop repeating things I perceive as 'mistakes' and ' failures'
I am not in a good frame of mind at the moment.
If you can do your best and forget your worst, you've already got a head start on tomorrow. As long as you lay it out there every day, you can relax when yesterday is behind you. Of course, the only way this will happen is if you give yourself permission to forget. You can use this approach in anything: Pick up a problem, do what you can with it, and then put it down. Work your tail off at the office, then leave it there (the work, not your tail). Deal with a personal crisis by finishing off one day at a time. There's a great deal of satisfaction in leaving things be for a moment. There's a great deal of freedom in knowing that you could do no more. And there's a great deal of success awaiting the person who gives it her all, no matter what.
I really REALLY need to take the advice given above and learn to forget about yesterdays mistakes. I really have enough problems today without worrying about yesterdays as well. Of course you need to learn from mistakes so you don't repeat them.
You also need the mindset that says you can learn from them and do better next time. That is waht I don't have at the moment. I can't see any way to stop repeating things I perceive as 'mistakes' and ' failures'
I am not in a good frame of mind at the moment.
Saturday 18 April 2009
A day to relax
It is 9.00am, I have had breakfast and fed the cats, but not been near the Wii. I have dceided to give myself a break. I may do some fun exercises later. I have also decided I would like to try out my pasta machine today. So I am going to look for a delicous pasta recipe that I can have fun cooking.
Between now and then I am getting my hair done (trim and perm) and will be going over for a longish visit to Edna.
I did comfort eat yesterday. Biscuits and wine again. But my other food was all healthy and relatively low in calories. I feel I am at least maintaining the status quo and not putting weight on.
Between now and then I am getting my hair done (trim and perm) and will be going over for a longish visit to Edna.
I did comfort eat yesterday. Biscuits and wine again. But my other food was all healthy and relatively low in calories. I feel I am at least maintaining the status quo and not putting weight on.
Friday 17 April 2009
Thinking positive
I am managing to do that....just.
The day has started well. Breakfast of one weetabix and a banana with some yoghurt,
15 minute workout (10 minutes of yoga and 5 of step basics)
I am tired as I didn't sleep that well - but also didn't have a total insomniac night.
I have used the car every day to get to work - but I knew that would happen because of Edna coming home.
I need to make plans for doing exercise while I am not at work. (Although decorating and gardening will probably provide some!)
I need to get information about support for Edna long term and decide if I am going to become a rgeular part of her care teram - in whihc case work of any sort will probably be out. If as I hope that doesn't happen I need to put out feelers for community work during May if hospigtal work isn't available.
I have a plan ....therefore I AM in control and there is no need for me to get stressed and start comfort eating eating.
The day has started well. Breakfast of one weetabix and a banana with some yoghurt,
15 minute workout (10 minutes of yoga and 5 of step basics)
I am tired as I didn't sleep that well - but also didn't have a total insomniac night.
I have used the car every day to get to work - but I knew that would happen because of Edna coming home.
I need to make plans for doing exercise while I am not at work. (Although decorating and gardening will probably provide some!)
I need to get information about support for Edna long term and decide if I am going to become a rgeular part of her care teram - in whihc case work of any sort will probably be out. If as I hope that doesn't happen I need to put out feelers for community work during May if hospigtal work isn't available.
I have a plan ....therefore I AM in control and there is no need for me to get stressed and start comfort eating eating.
Thursday 16 April 2009
A better day - for food at least.
Food has gone well. A couple of biscuits - but everything else has been healthy. I did a lovely dinner of lamb on a bed of marinaded courgette ribbons with cous cous. Quick ,healthy and delicious.
I am stressed - VERY stressed indeed. And I can see some wine being drunk tonight. But I have no desire to pig out.
I was talking to Sam Long today about the programme. I think I may have got her interested enough to give it a go. She did raise objections - but had to accept my counter arguments.
Talking about it to someone else has renewed my cinfidence and belief in the programme. Thinking about what the programme means has been insightful for me.
I now know I have no work for the next two weeks at least - and I am SSOOOOOO glad. I think Edna is going to take a LOT of my time . Someone ids looking after me - maing sure I don't have to combine work with caring for Edna
I am stressed - VERY stressed indeed. And I can see some wine being drunk tonight. But I have no desire to pig out.
I was talking to Sam Long today about the programme. I think I may have got her interested enough to give it a go. She did raise objections - but had to accept my counter arguments.
Talking about it to someone else has renewed my cinfidence and belief in the programme. Thinking about what the programme means has been insightful for me.
I now know I have no work for the next two weeks at least - and I am SSOOOOOO glad. I think Edna is going to take a LOT of my time . Someone ids looking after me - maing sure I don't have to combine work with caring for Edna
Wednesday 15 April 2009
stress
I am so stressed tonight. And I have given in to very unhealthy eating and drinking. I have had several biscuits, and a large glass of wine. I feel totally knackered, very VERY fed up and could cry. But up until this evening today had been a reasonable food day. Breakfast got finished as part of lunch, I had salad for dinner. I clocked up my normal 30 minutes on the Wii fit. My lack of discipline this evening won't have totally ruined things.
I must find a coping strategy for the stress levels I have at the moment. Food is a bad way of coping - ut tat is what I am doing at the moment.
But I am very tires and I have no doubt that is a contributing factor .
I just hope things will look better in the morning
I must find a coping strategy for the stress levels I have at the moment. Food is a bad way of coping - ut tat is what I am doing at the moment.
But I am very tires and I have no doubt that is a contributing factor .
I just hope things will look better in the morning
Changes
Well Edna is now at home, and I am waiting with bated breathe to see what happens now. Getting her home was tiring but I'm glad I did it rtaher than leave it up to hospital transport.
I didn't have a brilliant nights sleep but it wasn't as bad as it has been so I don;t feel too bad this morning. I've done 15 minutes on the Wii fit and am now eating breakfast. Although I'm actually not that hungry. I was so thirsty when I woke up I drank over a pint slmost straight off. I may end up boxing up my breakfast and taking into work with me to finish off later when I am hungrier.
Food was pretty good yesterday. I kept to the rules on the whole and 90% of my food choices were healthy. I did have problems eating dinner slowly though. I finished some time before Tony (which is always my marker). That disporoves my idea that sow eating is easier when you really fancy the food. Sauages and chips is a huge favourite of mine!!
I've been keeper a bladder diary so I am much more aware of my fluid intake suddenly. I am not drinking enough and must do better. In particular I must keep some water with me in the dspensary for my afternoon sesssion.
Still no news of any work beyond the end of this week. And I've decided I am not available for work the week after next so that I can help get Steve's house decorated if it isn't finished.
In a way I hope no work turns up for a couple of weeks so I have plenty of time for Edna. I think she may need me at the moment. But if UHB want to keep me on I won;t refuse
I didn't have a brilliant nights sleep but it wasn't as bad as it has been so I don;t feel too bad this morning. I've done 15 minutes on the Wii fit and am now eating breakfast. Although I'm actually not that hungry. I was so thirsty when I woke up I drank over a pint slmost straight off. I may end up boxing up my breakfast and taking into work with me to finish off later when I am hungrier.
Food was pretty good yesterday. I kept to the rules on the whole and 90% of my food choices were healthy. I did have problems eating dinner slowly though. I finished some time before Tony (which is always my marker). That disporoves my idea that sow eating is easier when you really fancy the food. Sauages and chips is a huge favourite of mine!!
I've been keeper a bladder diary so I am much more aware of my fluid intake suddenly. I am not drinking enough and must do better. In particular I must keep some water with me in the dspensary for my afternoon sesssion.
Still no news of any work beyond the end of this week. And I've decided I am not available for work the week after next so that I can help get Steve's house decorated if it isn't finished.
In a way I hope no work turns up for a couple of weeks so I have plenty of time for Edna. I think she may need me at the moment. But if UHB want to keep me on I won;t refuse
Tuesday 14 April 2009
D-0day
All being well today Edna goes home and I will really start to get a flavour of how life is going to shape up for me. I feel surprisingly optimistic this morning.
I was awake early so decided to get up and make use of the extra half hour. So I have done 24 minutes on the Wii fit, got my lunch ready and am now eating my breakfast - and it isn't even 7.00 yet!
My back is making me aware it isn't 100% happy - but it isn't serious. My knees are a bit creaky - but it isn't too bad and my IBS is the very gentlest of gentle discomfort in the background. Again enough to remind me there is a problem - but not enough to make me think I need to do something about it. Considering all the work I did yesterday this is a pleasant surprise.
The Abel and Cole man has just deleivered my box of fruit and veg. This is always an interesting time if I haven't checked the contents beforehand. I have 1 item I have never cooked with before - and never knowingly eaten it. Kohl Rabi. I have yet to try anything I totally disliked . Having this box delivery challenges my cooking and my food ideas and that is good. It keeps from getting stale and using the same recipes over and over and getting bored. I also have an aubergine which I have tried to cook once before with minimal success. So that will be challenging. But I know have a pasat machine so maybe a home made lasagne could be on the cards? Or maybe Moussaka if I can find a recipe. I have no doubt inventive cooking is a large part in me enjoying my food and sticking to Paul's rules. It is the ultinate in eating what you want. As an added bonus I can make the meals healthy too! Eating what you want is a wonderful mantra, but there is no harm in making healthy substitutions like fromage frais or yoghurt for cream. Paul advises throwing away all low fat ,low sugar and low calorie foods - unless you like them. I donlt feel reducing the fat content of my cooking is breaking the rules. I know I need to work on my cholsterol level!
I suppose I am beding Paul's rules with that choice. Another way in which I bend the rules is having a smaller portion - but not leaving any. I haven't left any breakfast - and am still hungry so I suspect I will be having some toast before I go to work. But I know I ate a smaller breakfast than I would have done. Leaving some on the plate is a psychological trick to change your mindset if you are a member of the 'clean plate' club. So again I don't feel I am breaking the spirit of the rules.
All this blabber about food is really a mask for the fact that I am nervous about today. I have no control over what will happen and I know all sorts of things could go wrong and delay/ complicate her discharge. All I can do is hope it all goes well. I spend a lot of time worrying about things I can't control, that may never happen. I have a choice. I can either relax about the whole thig - or have grumbling IBS problems today. I know which I would prefer - but doing it isn't so easy.
I was awake early so decided to get up and make use of the extra half hour. So I have done 24 minutes on the Wii fit, got my lunch ready and am now eating my breakfast - and it isn't even 7.00 yet!
My back is making me aware it isn't 100% happy - but it isn't serious. My knees are a bit creaky - but it isn't too bad and my IBS is the very gentlest of gentle discomfort in the background. Again enough to remind me there is a problem - but not enough to make me think I need to do something about it. Considering all the work I did yesterday this is a pleasant surprise.
The Abel and Cole man has just deleivered my box of fruit and veg. This is always an interesting time if I haven't checked the contents beforehand. I have 1 item I have never cooked with before - and never knowingly eaten it. Kohl Rabi. I have yet to try anything I totally disliked . Having this box delivery challenges my cooking and my food ideas and that is good. It keeps from getting stale and using the same recipes over and over and getting bored. I also have an aubergine which I have tried to cook once before with minimal success. So that will be challenging. But I know have a pasat machine so maybe a home made lasagne could be on the cards? Or maybe Moussaka if I can find a recipe. I have no doubt inventive cooking is a large part in me enjoying my food and sticking to Paul's rules. It is the ultinate in eating what you want. As an added bonus I can make the meals healthy too! Eating what you want is a wonderful mantra, but there is no harm in making healthy substitutions like fromage frais or yoghurt for cream. Paul advises throwing away all low fat ,low sugar and low calorie foods - unless you like them. I donlt feel reducing the fat content of my cooking is breaking the rules. I know I need to work on my cholsterol level!
I suppose I am beding Paul's rules with that choice. Another way in which I bend the rules is having a smaller portion - but not leaving any. I haven't left any breakfast - and am still hungry so I suspect I will be having some toast before I go to work. But I know I ate a smaller breakfast than I would have done. Leaving some on the plate is a psychological trick to change your mindset if you are a member of the 'clean plate' club. So again I don't feel I am breaking the spirit of the rules.
All this blabber about food is really a mask for the fact that I am nervous about today. I have no control over what will happen and I know all sorts of things could go wrong and delay/ complicate her discharge. All I can do is hope it all goes well. I spend a lot of time worrying about things I can't control, that may never happen. I have a choice. I can either relax about the whole thig - or have grumbling IBS problems today. I know which I would prefer - but doing it isn't so easy.
Monday 13 April 2009
Breaking the rules
I have to be honest and admit I do break Paul's rules probably more often than I own up to. The two hardest are slow eating and not eating unless you are TRULY hungry. Its the second one that worries me most. There is no doubt this one is easier to keep when I am at work. Its all fallen apart over the holiday.
I haven't HUGE amounts - but I know I have esnacked more. I donlt think I've done so much damage I will have put weight on - but I have no doubt it will have slowed my rate of weight loss. This morning the Wii asked me what I thought my wieght was. I deliberately put in 2lbs under what I think I weigh. It still told me I was almost spot on - but thats the answer I always get. I don;t know how far out you have to be before it tells you you are wrong. Certainly more than 5lbs I would guess. Probably about 7 lbs. So I don't know if I can be reassured by that answer or not.
But I shouldn't fixate on a figure. I need to focus on my overall health. The one rule I DO stick to is 'move your body' I know I am doing well on that. I do worry about increased ahces and pains. My back and knees have both been very creaky recently - but that is only temporary. And I know losing weight will help both problems a lot. Can a look forward to pain free knees if I lose enough weight? Trust me THAT is a motivation to keep me going with my programme. Imagining that is more powerful than imagining a slimmer me. I must focus on that.
I do better with eating slowly when I make more of a ceremony of my food. Maybe I need to suggest more meals at the table rather than in front of the TV?
I also do far better at the beggining of the day than towards the end. Tiredness is a factor I think. I need to find ways to counteract that.
So here I am at the beggining of the week, At the beggining of a new season since spring is now settled in. We have turned off the central heating, These are all otivating factors to keep me on track with keeping the rules more often than I break them,
I haven't HUGE amounts - but I know I have esnacked more. I donlt think I've done so much damage I will have put weight on - but I have no doubt it will have slowed my rate of weight loss. This morning the Wii asked me what I thought my wieght was. I deliberately put in 2lbs under what I think I weigh. It still told me I was almost spot on - but thats the answer I always get. I don;t know how far out you have to be before it tells you you are wrong. Certainly more than 5lbs I would guess. Probably about 7 lbs. So I don't know if I can be reassured by that answer or not.
But I shouldn't fixate on a figure. I need to focus on my overall health. The one rule I DO stick to is 'move your body' I know I am doing well on that. I do worry about increased ahces and pains. My back and knees have both been very creaky recently - but that is only temporary. And I know losing weight will help both problems a lot. Can a look forward to pain free knees if I lose enough weight? Trust me THAT is a motivation to keep me going with my programme. Imagining that is more powerful than imagining a slimmer me. I must focus on that.
I do better with eating slowly when I make more of a ceremony of my food. Maybe I need to suggest more meals at the table rather than in front of the TV?
I also do far better at the beggining of the day than towards the end. Tiredness is a factor I think. I need to find ways to counteract that.
So here I am at the beggining of the week, At the beggining of a new season since spring is now settled in. We have turned off the central heating, These are all otivating factors to keep me on track with keeping the rules more often than I break them,
Sunday 12 April 2009
Easter Day
I have been busy this morning preparing the dinner for today. I enjoy cooking - and having my new kitchen has made me cook more and better. I also have 2 new gagdets to play with. A smoothie maker and a pasta machine. Not thay they will get used today. Dinner today is roast lamb with a redcurrant glaze, organic carrots and potatoes, cabbage and gravy. The guests of honour are Rdna and Steve. I just hope Edna eats and enjoys the meal.
I know I will eat and enjoy it - I always do when I have put effort into cooking something. And sunday roast is probably my favourite meal. This is the advantage of Paul's programme. I don;t have to feel guilty about enjoying a roast dinner with roast potatoes - or with lovely yummy gravy. I don;t normally put fat in that so it isn't a huge indulgence.
I had my normal cereal and yoghurt for breakfast.
My IBS is still grumbling away, and I feel as if I could burst into tears at the slightest opportunity - but that is due to nerves about Edna's visit, and tiredness from yesterday. Its also becasue I know I have to rush again today and I HATE rushing
I have found time to do a workout though so I am not letting rushing get in the way of routine. But there is no doubt i will be much happier once Edna has been safely delivered back to hopsital
I know I will eat and enjoy it - I always do when I have put effort into cooking something. And sunday roast is probably my favourite meal. This is the advantage of Paul's programme. I don;t have to feel guilty about enjoying a roast dinner with roast potatoes - or with lovely yummy gravy. I don;t normally put fat in that so it isn't a huge indulgence.
I had my normal cereal and yoghurt for breakfast.
My IBS is still grumbling away, and I feel as if I could burst into tears at the slightest opportunity - but that is due to nerves about Edna's visit, and tiredness from yesterday. Its also becasue I know I have to rush again today and I HATE rushing
I have found time to do a workout though so I am not letting rushing get in the way of routine. But there is no doubt i will be much happier once Edna has been safely delivered back to hopsital
Saturday 11 April 2009
Back to basics
OK Enough philosphising (is that a ward?) Lets get back to dealing with the basics . Yesterday was a VERY bad food day. Minieggs, chocolates, cheese and biscuits, and 2 packets of crisps none of which were really eaten in response to hunger. Peccavi. Today my aim is to do better. So I did my workout first thing - and did 30 minutes in one go. Breakfast was cereal with yoghurt. I do prefer that to milk becasue it keeps the crunch. I added some prunes because my IBS is playing up and I'd rthaer have prunes than Movicol. But I suspect the Movicol will be needed as well. I have had not bad but annoying colicky discomfort for 2 or 3 days now. I think it may be the chocolate setting it off. There may JUST be a lesson for me there.
Anyway I will do my best to stick to Paul's golden rules - and try not to use 'eat when you are hungry' as an excuse to snack.
Today Steve wants me to take him shopping for kitchen stuff so we are going to a specilaist kitchenware shop in Solihul. I've decided to treat myself as well to a new wok, Tony would like a smoothie maker, and I may buy some other gadgets if they take my fancy. I have discivered you really can cook well if you have the right tools. So I am really looking forweard to that. I pick him up in a couple of hours :-)
Being out will make it easier to avoid temptation with food. There is no doubt I do FAR better with the rules when I am at work.
Anyway I will do my best to stick to Paul's golden rules - and try not to use 'eat when you are hungry' as an excuse to snack.
Today Steve wants me to take him shopping for kitchen stuff so we are going to a specilaist kitchenware shop in Solihul. I've decided to treat myself as well to a new wok, Tony would like a smoothie maker, and I may buy some other gadgets if they take my fancy. I have discivered you really can cook well if you have the right tools. So I am really looking forweard to that. I pick him up in a couple of hours :-)
Being out will make it easier to avoid temptation with food. There is no doubt I do FAR better with the rules when I am at work.
Friday 10 April 2009
Holiday time
Its Good Friday so I am not at work. In fact I am not back at work until Tuesday. It is a measure of how right I was to retire that after less than 3 weeks back I am thinking 'I really need this break' As I sit here slowly chewing my belgian waffles (very unhealthy but its a holiday so who cares) I think I need to review the care I am giving to my soul as well as my body. Because the cry of 'I need a break' I think is coming from my 'soul'
3 years ago I started on a journey to change my life, and inevitably have ended up changing me. That was probably the thing that needed changing most. Not that there was anything wrong with me - but my perspective on life was wrong. 3 years ago I was in a full time salaried job that was making me unhappy. As a result of the journey I started then, I am now a self employed locum, with a pension to supplement my earnings, with the freedom to work when and where I want without guilt. The route I took to get here was unexpected, and I didn't anticipate the Edna factor - but life is full of surprises.
The Edna factor is giving me a chance to do something I am good at and enjoy doing - caring . It is the ultimate in 'patient focused' work - even if it does not need my qualifications to do it.
This blog which is such a vital part of all this is giving me the chance to write. And maybe one day I WILL finish that book and get it published.
So I have achieved the goals I set myself 3 years ago. What I haven't achieved yet is the confidence to believe I can make it all work. That fear is draining and is probably the reason why I am so glad of a break. So I need to look at why I have doubts about making it all work .
I guess the main reason is financial. I am worried if there will be enough work for a part time locum. So lets look at a worst case scenario. Even if I never work again, I still have a pension coming in. The chances of me getting no work are small. I am doing what I feel I was meant to do - and I need to have faith there will be enough work. I don't need to work every week. As long as I can work 2 weeks a month I will have enough money coming in.
Another reason I am worried is my ability to do the work that comes up. I need to do regular CE and CPD to give myself the confidence that I can. I need to establish a routine a regular day to record CPD.
I need to know I am doing the best job I possibly can to ensure the best 'care of the soul' . I also think my soul needs to feel I am doing the best I can for my home and family. A lot of my fear that I am not doing this has its root in my old lack of self confidence. That is the real problem I need to address .
As ever blogging has helped me to clarify my thoughts. I really must look up the etymological roots of the word 'journal'
Back to food. Having had 4 small waffles, I am still hungry so I need to do something about that. But then I have done a full 30 minute workout this morning already. But then I am also very thirsty so drink first, then maybea bath ( I sweated a lot during the workout) and then I will think about eating because I don't think this is real hunger.
3 years ago I started on a journey to change my life, and inevitably have ended up changing me. That was probably the thing that needed changing most. Not that there was anything wrong with me - but my perspective on life was wrong. 3 years ago I was in a full time salaried job that was making me unhappy. As a result of the journey I started then, I am now a self employed locum, with a pension to supplement my earnings, with the freedom to work when and where I want without guilt. The route I took to get here was unexpected, and I didn't anticipate the Edna factor - but life is full of surprises.
The Edna factor is giving me a chance to do something I am good at and enjoy doing - caring . It is the ultimate in 'patient focused' work - even if it does not need my qualifications to do it.
This blog which is such a vital part of all this is giving me the chance to write. And maybe one day I WILL finish that book and get it published.
So I have achieved the goals I set myself 3 years ago. What I haven't achieved yet is the confidence to believe I can make it all work. That fear is draining and is probably the reason why I am so glad of a break. So I need to look at why I have doubts about making it all work .
I guess the main reason is financial. I am worried if there will be enough work for a part time locum. So lets look at a worst case scenario. Even if I never work again, I still have a pension coming in. The chances of me getting no work are small. I am doing what I feel I was meant to do - and I need to have faith there will be enough work. I don't need to work every week. As long as I can work 2 weeks a month I will have enough money coming in.
Another reason I am worried is my ability to do the work that comes up. I need to do regular CE and CPD to give myself the confidence that I can. I need to establish a routine a regular day to record CPD.
I need to know I am doing the best job I possibly can to ensure the best 'care of the soul' . I also think my soul needs to feel I am doing the best I can for my home and family. A lot of my fear that I am not doing this has its root in my old lack of self confidence. That is the real problem I need to address .
As ever blogging has helped me to clarify my thoughts. I really must look up the etymological roots of the word 'journal'
Back to food. Having had 4 small waffles, I am still hungry so I need to do something about that. But then I have done a full 30 minute workout this morning already. But then I am also very thirsty so drink first, then maybea bath ( I sweated a lot during the workout) and then I will think about eating because I don't think this is real hunger.
Thursday 9 April 2009
An ouch sort of day
I am creaking this morning in a BIG way, My jnees are very painful and my back is worse than it was yesterday. This is very disappointing I didn't do any aerobics last night but did make a start on removing the curtain rail into the extension at Steve's. That involved a lot of reaching up. I guess this is a bit of a wake up call that my back has definite limits. I have no doubt the walking I have been doing at tthe hospital is a factor.
I feel thoroughly 'blah' this morning if I'm honest. I ache, I have stomach cramps, and I didn't sleep very well last night. I am seriously wondering if I will stay on at QE if they offer more work after next week. I think a lot will depend on where it is and how much walking it involves. This dispensary has also been dreadful - but I musn't judge it just by this week. Bank holiday weeks are always hellish.
But with Edna going home next week, I will have a chnace to guage how much I am gling to be involved with her. If I need to go over every day, several short days could be the best option. If I only have to go over once or twice a week, 4 longer days with days off could be better. Choices choices
Food wasn't TOO bad yesterday. I was offerred a biscuit yesterday morning. I accepted and without thinking only took one. The old me would have taken two - but I didn't even consider that. On auto pilot I took one and ate it slowly. I have changed, my retaionship with food has changed. It needs to change a bit more - I know that but I've come a long way.
There I go with the 'journey' motif again.
I feel thoroughly 'blah' this morning if I'm honest. I ache, I have stomach cramps, and I didn't sleep very well last night. I am seriously wondering if I will stay on at QE if they offer more work after next week. I think a lot will depend on where it is and how much walking it involves. This dispensary has also been dreadful - but I musn't judge it just by this week. Bank holiday weeks are always hellish.
But with Edna going home next week, I will have a chnace to guage how much I am gling to be involved with her. If I need to go over every day, several short days could be the best option. If I only have to go over once or twice a week, 4 longer days with days off could be better. Choices choices
Food wasn't TOO bad yesterday. I was offerred a biscuit yesterday morning. I accepted and without thinking only took one. The old me would have taken two - but I didn't even consider that. On auto pilot I took one and ate it slowly. I have changed, my retaionship with food has changed. It needs to change a bit more - I know that but I've come a long way.
There I go with the 'journey' motif again.
Wednesday 8 April 2009
A nice surprise
This morning for the first time in weeks I needed the alarm to wake me up. I slept really well. I woke twice but managed to get back to sleep both times and (drum roll please) I didn't get up to the toilet during the night.
So something is going right - even if I don't have a clue what.
One fly in the ointment is my back ios fefinitely not happy. I did an island lap yetserday and I don;t think it liked it on top of a day at work.
Food wasn't a runaway success yesterday. Not a disaster but not as good as I would have liked. I certainly ate when I was hungry, but I didn't always wait until I WAS hungry to eat. And I didn't eat as slowly as I know I should have done. I think the problem with the slow eating is that at the moment I seem to be in a rush all the time - and it is difficult to suddenly think 'slow' when you have been thinking 'rush'
I always knew this was going to be a problem. This week it is harder becasue the deprtment is busier. In fact I may have to work more than my planned 24 hours this week (Friday is a bank holiday) I am happy to stay after 3.30 as long as I know I will get paid - and as long as it isn't regular. Once or twice a week at absolute maximum.
I hope food goes better today. I think it might becasue I can tell I won't finish my breakfast .But I was hungry when I started it. So I must take plenty of 'finger food' with me today!
Really looking forward to tonight. Steve will be with us. And I think he will crash out here so he can get some serious work done on the house. Also Rob is coming round and we are going to watch 'Wrestlemania'
I have realised I love having guests round. Though I won;t be cooking for Rob he is on an ultra low calrie diet under the supervision of a dietician and a doctor and is mainly haveingdrink replacements. But it is only until June and he is suppmeneting it with ordinary food as directed by the dietician. Fior health freasons he needs to lose weight - and I have to say it is working and he says he is feeling the benefits. He has slimmed down visibly in the last month. I am a little jealous - but not tempted to abandon Paul's system because mine isn't just about weight loss - and the Cambridge diet wouldn't fit in with that at all.
So something is going right - even if I don't have a clue what.
One fly in the ointment is my back ios fefinitely not happy. I did an island lap yetserday and I don;t think it liked it on top of a day at work.
Food wasn't a runaway success yesterday. Not a disaster but not as good as I would have liked. I certainly ate when I was hungry, but I didn't always wait until I WAS hungry to eat. And I didn't eat as slowly as I know I should have done. I think the problem with the slow eating is that at the moment I seem to be in a rush all the time - and it is difficult to suddenly think 'slow' when you have been thinking 'rush'
I always knew this was going to be a problem. This week it is harder becasue the deprtment is busier. In fact I may have to work more than my planned 24 hours this week (Friday is a bank holiday) I am happy to stay after 3.30 as long as I know I will get paid - and as long as it isn't regular. Once or twice a week at absolute maximum.
I hope food goes better today. I think it might becasue I can tell I won't finish my breakfast .But I was hungry when I started it. So I must take plenty of 'finger food' with me today!
Really looking forward to tonight. Steve will be with us. And I think he will crash out here so he can get some serious work done on the house. Also Rob is coming round and we are going to watch 'Wrestlemania'
I have realised I love having guests round. Though I won;t be cooking for Rob he is on an ultra low calrie diet under the supervision of a dietician and a doctor and is mainly haveingdrink replacements. But it is only until June and he is suppmeneting it with ordinary food as directed by the dietician. Fior health freasons he needs to lose weight - and I have to say it is working and he says he is feeling the benefits. He has slimmed down visibly in the last month. I am a little jealous - but not tempted to abandon Paul's system because mine isn't just about weight loss - and the Cambridge diet wouldn't fit in with that at all.
Tuesday 7 April 2009
Walking
I walked to work yesterday (4000 steps out and about 2000 to and from the bus stop on the way back)
Food got disjointed yesterday bceause I ended up having to take my lunch breal earlier than I wanted, not long after I had had an apple at mid morning break because I was hungry. And last night duirng the game I was far too close to the chocolates.
BUT BUT BUT before I drown myself in an orgy of self loathing (only kidding those days are long gone) I have realised I physically could NOT pig out the way I used to. While I have never sat down and eaten a whole packet of biscuits at one go, eating 7 or 8 in a short time was common. I couldn't do that now. The thought of it makes me feel sick. The old me would have had a couple of chocolates, some biscuits and maybe a packet or two of crisps. So although I am disaapointed, its still an improvment.
And that is what this programme is about for me - improvement. I felt my life could be better so I set out to improve it. That was 3 years ago. The disasters of last year gave me a sharper focus.
But I have realised that the improvments will always be a work in progress. Once I have acheived my current goals, I am positive others will appear. So maybe the title of this entry should be 'Journey' rather than 'walking' And isnt it intersesting that one of the key things is this blog aka a 'journal' a word which must come from the same as route as 'journey'
Food got disjointed yesterday bceause I ended up having to take my lunch breal earlier than I wanted, not long after I had had an apple at mid morning break because I was hungry. And last night duirng the game I was far too close to the chocolates.
BUT BUT BUT before I drown myself in an orgy of self loathing (only kidding those days are long gone) I have realised I physically could NOT pig out the way I used to. While I have never sat down and eaten a whole packet of biscuits at one go, eating 7 or 8 in a short time was common. I couldn't do that now. The thought of it makes me feel sick. The old me would have had a couple of chocolates, some biscuits and maybe a packet or two of crisps. So although I am disaapointed, its still an improvment.
And that is what this programme is about for me - improvement. I felt my life could be better so I set out to improve it. That was 3 years ago. The disasters of last year gave me a sharper focus.
But I have realised that the improvments will always be a work in progress. Once I have acheived my current goals, I am positive others will appear. So maybe the title of this entry should be 'Journey' rather than 'walking' And isnt it intersesting that one of the key things is this blog aka a 'journal' a word which must come from the same as route as 'journey'
Monday 6 April 2009
A very timely reminder
'Too many of us worry about things that we cannot change. Although worrying gives you something to focus on, there are more productive ways to spend your time. Instead of worrying about the things you cannot control, remind yourself that worrying doesn't bring change. If it is a situation that you can control, then there is no reason to worry! Find a solution and spend your energy fulfilling it. If nothing else, just talk to someone about your concerns. Getting them out in the open tends to help put your mind at ease.'
Thank you spark people
Food was back under control yesterday. This morning I have eaten all my breakfast - but I genuinely was hungry. I felt hungrier yesterday. Some of it could have been emotional hunger so I must watch for that. I am very emotional at the moment.
I am not visiting Edna today so I am planning on leaving the car at home so I must get a move on and get ready to go.I am quite looking forward to the walk
Thank you spark people
Food was back under control yesterday. This morning I have eaten all my breakfast - but I genuinely was hungry. I felt hungrier yesterday. Some of it could have been emotional hunger so I must watch for that. I am very emotional at the moment.
I am not visiting Edna today so I am planning on leaving the car at home so I must get a move on and get ready to go.I am quite looking forward to the walk
Sunday 5 April 2009
Back on track
Food was MUCH better yesterday. And exercise was fine. Steve started using the Wii fit and I re-discovered the fun of step basics and the balance games,
My 'workout' this morning was more varied - but tomorrow time will dictate a return to the routine.
I feel calmer today and more in control of things
My 'workout' this morning was more varied - but tomorrow time will dictate a return to the routine.
I feel calmer today and more in control of things
Saturday 4 April 2009
Pride goes before a fall
Oh dear. It all fell apart BIG time yesterday. I was fine at work - although I ate the sausage roll that was meant fior my lunch at my mid morning coffee break. But I was hungry - and I had taken a lunch in bits and pieces so I could do that. But I was aware of feeling hungrier than I had been. It was when I got home and discovered to my delight that Steve had come to visit - and was staying the night. He had borought some chocolates with him and I not only couldn't resist but was unable to stick to the rules at all. I wasn't even able to stick to the rules with dinner - although I did still eat it slower than my old eating pace. I didn;t stick to the rules later when I had biscuits.
It wasn't just the lure of the chocolate. There was a huge emotional compnent to ....no I'm not going to call it my failure ......... my wobble. Becasue Steve was there I ended up talking about his gradmother and everything that was going on. And talking evidently triggerred something in my psyche. I ended up in tears at the end of a sad episode of Buffy that we watched. Now it was affecting but wouldn't normally have had me reaching for the tissues. I even cried a little when I went to bed and I haven't done that for ages.
Today Steve needs help from me to do some shopping for the house and he is going to visit Edna (with me or instead of me I'm not sure yet) I am really looking forward to a family day (hopefully weekend) .
So this morning I am sitting here trying to get my head straight so I can get back on track. Half a dozen chocolates , 4 biscuits and one meal eaten faster than I should have done will NOT have caused me to put back on the weight I have lost. OK I didn't stick to Paul's rules but I think I know why I didn't stick to them. What I have to do now is deal with the emotional issues. That may well be tricky (see other blog for reasons!) but I am sure if I apply some of my guru's OTHER ideas to that situation I will be able to get myself sorted out.
In the meantime I have been up for 30 minutes or more and I still haven't had breakfast becasue although I feel hungry I know it is emotional hunger. Also there isn't anything I really WANT to eat - not even chocolate!! So I think i will get myself a glass of water (despite a mug of coffee I am still thirsty) turn on the Wii fit and have some fun.
There is no doubt I am at a low ebb. I found myself reading 'Care of the Soul' last night trying to find and understand the message my 'soul' is trying to give me with my current emotional turmoil. Still no eureka moment - but one or two intersting ideas that have got me thinking.
But I know there is no point at ALL in starting to hate myself and giving up on Pauls golden rules. So I won't. Yesterday was a bad day. Today should be better.
It wasn't just the lure of the chocolate. There was a huge emotional compnent to ....no I'm not going to call it my failure ......... my wobble. Becasue Steve was there I ended up talking about his gradmother and everything that was going on. And talking evidently triggerred something in my psyche. I ended up in tears at the end of a sad episode of Buffy that we watched. Now it was affecting but wouldn't normally have had me reaching for the tissues. I even cried a little when I went to bed and I haven't done that for ages.
Today Steve needs help from me to do some shopping for the house and he is going to visit Edna (with me or instead of me I'm not sure yet) I am really looking forward to a family day (hopefully weekend) .
So this morning I am sitting here trying to get my head straight so I can get back on track. Half a dozen chocolates , 4 biscuits and one meal eaten faster than I should have done will NOT have caused me to put back on the weight I have lost. OK I didn't stick to Paul's rules but I think I know why I didn't stick to them. What I have to do now is deal with the emotional issues. That may well be tricky (see other blog for reasons!) but I am sure if I apply some of my guru's OTHER ideas to that situation I will be able to get myself sorted out.
In the meantime I have been up for 30 minutes or more and I still haven't had breakfast becasue although I feel hungry I know it is emotional hunger. Also there isn't anything I really WANT to eat - not even chocolate!! So I think i will get myself a glass of water (despite a mug of coffee I am still thirsty) turn on the Wii fit and have some fun.
There is no doubt I am at a low ebb. I found myself reading 'Care of the Soul' last night trying to find and understand the message my 'soul' is trying to give me with my current emotional turmoil. Still no eureka moment - but one or two intersting ideas that have got me thinking.
But I know there is no point at ALL in starting to hate myself and giving up on Pauls golden rules. So I won't. Yesterday was a bad day. Today should be better.
Friday 3 April 2009
The effects of sleeplesness
I really haven't slept well the past couple of nights. I found myself listening to the trance CD twice. Once when I went ot bed and once at about 3.00 am. I think I need to really study Paul's sleep programme again . I was relying just on the trance CD - but I clearly need the rules and excercises as well. I am sure that in time I will find the key to sleep rules - just as I found the key to food rules. I feel sluggish this morning, unable to rush. Sadly at the moment I need a little bit of 'rushability'. It is the one thing I have found lacking as I get older, and I need to think about how to deal with the situation. So that is my next priority.
As for the rest well.......................
My first thought on waking up (after feeding the cats) is no longer 'What do I want for breakfast?' but ;'do I want breakfast before I do my workout?'
I enjoyed meeting Julie yesterday for lunch. All I had was a baked potato . I admit I did eat all of it. But I didn't have cake or fruit or anything else with it. But I did have a fromage frais while I was with Edna.
I am not going to be walking to work today so I won't acheive my goal of walking at least one day every week. Walking when I have to carry Edna's clothes isn't the best idea. I also feel too tired to try the walk .What I have learned from this is that I need to pay more attention to my sleep so I feel more energized. So this is NOT a failure. I have learned soemthing my not reaching my goal. Hopefully Edna will be discharged over the weekend so I can plan my life a bit better and I will be able to walk twoce next week - but I will be happy if I manage to walk once.
The end of my second week at work seems like a good time to do a quick review about that I heave learned about myself (and food) over the past 2 weeks so here goes.
I need to work intellectually
At the moment 30 hours a week is all I can manage
I can maage to eat when I am hungry while at work
I must pay more attention to feelings and really eat what I want. especially in the evenings.
I really enjoy cooking and find it very therapeutic
One thing I have learned about excercise is that the workout really does help my back and knees. I am much MUCH less creaky than I was.
So although the week hasn't quite gone the way I wanted it, I am ending on an upbteat note
As for the rest well.......................
My first thought on waking up (after feeding the cats) is no longer 'What do I want for breakfast?' but ;'do I want breakfast before I do my workout?'
I enjoyed meeting Julie yesterday for lunch. All I had was a baked potato . I admit I did eat all of it. But I didn't have cake or fruit or anything else with it. But I did have a fromage frais while I was with Edna.
I am not going to be walking to work today so I won't acheive my goal of walking at least one day every week. Walking when I have to carry Edna's clothes isn't the best idea. I also feel too tired to try the walk .What I have learned from this is that I need to pay more attention to my sleep so I feel more energized. So this is NOT a failure. I have learned soemthing my not reaching my goal. Hopefully Edna will be discharged over the weekend so I can plan my life a bit better and I will be able to walk twoce next week - but I will be happy if I manage to walk once.
The end of my second week at work seems like a good time to do a quick review about that I heave learned about myself (and food) over the past 2 weeks so here goes.
I need to work intellectually
At the moment 30 hours a week is all I can manage
I can maage to eat when I am hungry while at work
I must pay more attention to feelings and really eat what I want. especially in the evenings.
I really enjoy cooking and find it very therapeutic
One thing I have learned about excercise is that the workout really does help my back and knees. I am much MUCH less creaky than I was.
So although the week hasn't quite gone the way I wanted it, I am ending on an upbteat note
Thursday 2 April 2009
Food gorious food
I cannot beleive how well food went yesterday!! Having not felt hungry before I left for work, I manged to eat a bit here and there all day. Lunch was a triumph. I could only manage the sandwich I didn't eat on Monday and half the fruit salad I had prepared. I had a cereal bar during my morning session in the despensary, had an orange while I was visiting Edna, and for dinner I had a qurter of a pizza with salad. While I was on my way home I decided to do some shopping and got a fancy for crusty bread, so I bought some and had some thin (well thinner than the doorstops I would normally have) clices of that bread with some thinner than normal slicces of cheese. Thoroughly enjoyed it and had no temptation to pig out.
It really worked like a dream.
And this morning I managed ro clokc up 16 minutes on the Wii fit with no problem and great enjoyment.
I do feel MUCH humgriere than yesterday though, so my cereal may well be supplemented with something else. I've finished my cereal (1 shredded wheat with some dried fruit and yoghurt) and still feel genuinely hungry .
Lunch will be interesting as I am meeting Julie for lunch all being well. We will be in the coffee shop - but I am very confident I will still stick to the golden rules.
I didn't sleep well last night which is a slight fly in the ointment - but that apart I am feeling good, focussed and ready to be productive. I may even walk to work since the chances of Edna being discharged today are almost nil. Maybe I SHOULD walk on the grounds that sods law says she will be dischargned at the nost inconvenient time for me.
On a more serious note I am a bit concerned by the way I seem to be rocketing up and down in my mood. There is undoubtedly a message for me in there and I must listen to my 'soul' to try and undertsnad what it is telling me. I suspect it is no coincidence I felt the need to dip into 'Care of the Soul' last night. My subconcious is very good at giving me messages I must keep dipping until I find the bit that gives me that Eureka moment.
It really worked like a dream.
And this morning I managed ro clokc up 16 minutes on the Wii fit with no problem and great enjoyment.
I do feel MUCH humgriere than yesterday though, so my cereal may well be supplemented with something else. I've finished my cereal (1 shredded wheat with some dried fruit and yoghurt) and still feel genuinely hungry .
Lunch will be interesting as I am meeting Julie for lunch all being well. We will be in the coffee shop - but I am very confident I will still stick to the golden rules.
I didn't sleep well last night which is a slight fly in the ointment - but that apart I am feeling good, focussed and ready to be productive. I may even walk to work since the chances of Edna being discharged today are almost nil. Maybe I SHOULD walk on the grounds that sods law says she will be dischargned at the nost inconvenient time for me.
On a more serious note I am a bit concerned by the way I seem to be rocketing up and down in my mood. There is undoubtedly a message for me in there and I must listen to my 'soul' to try and undertsnad what it is telling me. I suspect it is no coincidence I felt the need to dip into 'Care of the Soul' last night. My subconcious is very good at giving me messages I must keep dipping until I find the bit that gives me that Eureka moment.
Wednesday 1 April 2009
sticking to the rules
First rule is when you are hungry eat. So here I sit at 7,50 almost ready for work, thinking of walking to work and I don't feel hungry, so I haven't had any breakfast.
This could be an interesting challenge. But I truly do NOT want anything at the moment. I can have something at just before 9 at work, and then again just after 11 when I should get my coffee break so I have packed fruit, a snack bar and a fromage frais all of which can be eaten on the run so to speak.
The workout was a bit 'meh' as my son would say. i didn;t get fnaatstic scores and the rowing squats were a disaster but at least did the excercises even if the scores were poor.
I suspect thinking about walking to work is as far as it will get - but I may surprise myself if my MP3 players charges up in time. Can't walk without the radio on!
My cold feels better although I am still a sit snuffly. I am looking forward to the day at work so that is a good sign.
And I can nibble as I walk - if I DO walk that is. If I am going to walk I need to get going now
This could be an interesting challenge. But I truly do NOT want anything at the moment. I can have something at just before 9 at work, and then again just after 11 when I should get my coffee break so I have packed fruit, a snack bar and a fromage frais all of which can be eaten on the run so to speak.
The workout was a bit 'meh' as my son would say. i didn;t get fnaatstic scores and the rowing squats were a disaster but at least did the excercises even if the scores were poor.
I suspect thinking about walking to work is as far as it will get - but I may surprise myself if my MP3 players charges up in time. Can't walk without the radio on!
My cold feels better although I am still a sit snuffly. I am looking forward to the day at work so that is a good sign.
And I can nibble as I walk - if I DO walk that is. If I am going to walk I need to get going now
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