Ending on a positive note

Who is standing in your way?

Imagine someone regularly tying small weights around your ankles as you try to climb a mountain. Doesn't sound fair, does it? But that's exactly what you can do to yourself, a little bit at a time, if you don't watch out. When you think of who and what is standing in the way of your dreams, it's easy to forget your own responsibility. Even the best of us can be guilty of unknowingly hurting our own progress. Procrastination, lateness, being disorganized, pessimism, not being honest with yourself, severe self-criticism, downplaying achievements, focusing only on weaknesses while ignoring strengths, keeping goals a secret, demanding perfection, giving up after a small setback--these are all ways you can make it tough to be (and do) your best. Smart systems, the right attitude, and a promise to keep going no matter what will make a world of difference.

I realised my own ability to sabotage myself several years ago. Sometimes you are person it is hardest to be honest with about whether you are doing well or badly.

I didnt go to qo work yesterday and I am not going today. As well as the niggly back , I started feeling a bit tight in my chest and have developed a cough. I realised i was also TIRED. I think all the stress of the past few months with Edna finally caught up with me.

Anyway I didnt exercise properly yesterday and dont intend to do so today. I think I may need to rethink some of the exercises I do. I think my back maybe playing up because of the choice of exercises.

We have friends coming round tonight to help us see in the new year and I am looking foreward to that especially as some of them will be people we haven't seen for some time.

I am still listening to my body and the messages it is giving me - and as long as I continue to do that I know I will get over this little health hiccup.

And I am going to make 2010 a good year for me and mine in all sorts of ways

Back to earth with a bang

Having euphorically committed myself to an exercise goal last night -this morning I haven't even done my 30 minutes exercise. I have done 10 minutes (2 reps of step plus which is 52 calories) Doing a beyond choc tune in physically I felt tired and my back and leg are niggling. Not hurting but niggling. Mentally I feel tired and de-motivated. Thought or question - I am fed up of work.

My conclusion is I need a break from work to re-motivate myself. I must book myself a few days off so I survive my frantic few days at the end of January (TNA Paul McKenna and Most Haunted in the space of a few days. In fact Paul and MH are on consecutive days at the weekend) But do I go to work today? I really DO need to give my back a break - and I really can't sit down at work without causing chaos.

I have started the day very hungry and treated myself to some porridge. But I have eaten it and STILL feel hungry. I have had problems with heartburn for the last couple of days and I think that is part of the problem - but this does feel like genuine hunger. So toaster here I come

There is no doubt this is a definite down blip - but I will come through it OK as long as I listen to - and act on - that little inner voice of wisdom.

What have I done...............

I have registered my interest in taking part in Race for Life in 2010. It is a 5K run/walk in aid of cancer research. Getting fit for that will be an incentive with my exercise routine. It will be quite goal to aim for. I am not comitted to doing it - except I would feel like a heel if I backed out now I have blogged about it.

Comitted? Maybe I should be lol

Ho hum back to work

Actually I am quite pleased to be getting back into a normal routine because I am so concious of how much sitting down I am doing at home.

Anyway today has started well. A healthy breakfast and a wii fit workout that was 2 minutes and 20 odd calories short of my goal. But 10 minutes free step tonight will sort that out.

I watched people eating at the party last night and was horified ay how much one of them ate. I found I couldn't even eat a whole slice of a delicious chrustmas cake one of my friends had brought down with him.

I had 3 examples last night. Rob - who has lost a lot fo weight on the Cambridge diet - but admits he has put on 2st since he stopped. Tyler who really needs to ,ose weight - and had 2 platefuls of food last night that I could not have faced, And Tony who has lost weight by trying to stick to the same rules I do and by using the wii fit. I know who I want to copy.

An award for my blog!!

I am so pleased. Francesca has made my blog one of the recipients of her' superior scribbler award' I am supposed to display the link on my blog and pass the award to 5 more bloggers. Trouble is I am technically challenged and can't work out how to do that.

But I am very VERY pleased and proud that my blog is being read by other people who appreciate my style and my story.

Visitor

Yesterday our visitor Darren arrived to stop with us for a few days. Last night he treated us to pizza (I ate 4 slices) and tonight we are having a party here for any friends of his to pop in a say hi. So more party food.

But I am still doing OK. I still havent od'd on mine pies or chocolate - or sausge rolls (one of my other weaknesses) nd if my diet hasn't been the healthiest out there it hasn't been horrendously unhealthy either.

I have hit my exercise goal EVERY DAY over the holiday

I have been thinking again about my goals for 2010. My son reminded me about a sotry I had been writing. I would like to have something properly published one day (not through a vanity publishing house ) I do enjoy writing (as my blogs show!)

The more I think about it the more my goals for 2010 come down to one single thing - to be ME in 2010 not to be who others NEED me to be. This doesn't mean being selfish - because that wouldn't be acting in accordance with my core values. It means valuing me as well as everyone round me. And doing things that express that value I put on myself.

Does this makes sense or am I talking drivel? No I think it makes sense.

I wont succeed in ANY goal unless I can reach it in a way that is true to who I really am.

And the holiday continues

Yesterday we had Tony's Mum round. Steve came over as well. So we had a running buffet going. Food yesterday wasn't brilliant - but I grazed. No big meals - just lots of little snacks.

Today Darren is coming to stop with us until Wednesday. Tomorrow we have a party for any friends of his that want to pop in. So that will be MORE party food. But I am happy that my consumption of mince pies and sweets has been very VERY much less than normal. So something is working.

I have done free step and enough other other exercises to JUST hit both my targets this morning.

OK so what about my goals for next year?

Well one is very clear. I want to achieve level two reiki. By the end of 2010 I want to have given at least 5 reiki sessions for which have been paid.

I will set aside at least 15 minutes every day for meditation. And once a week I will do self healing. I need to get into a routine with both of these if I am to make progress with reiki.

My third goal is to take the time to visit the hairdresser and beautician. I will keep up with the waxing . It sounds a small thing but knowing my legs are not horrible and hairy makes me feel better about myself and my appearance. By taking the time (and money) to keep myself looking good I affirm my beleif in myself. I remind myself that I matter.

And that leads on to my next resolution to keep on with my exercise routines. They are doing me so much good. I feel much better and I am sure they will help me to lose weight.

OK so where is the massive goal - where do I say I want to lose 4 stone ? Or the 5 st 7lbs the wii fit tells me I need to lose to acheive my ideal weight? Its not there. I would LOVE to lose weight - but I am not setting myself for an unrealistic target. I want realistic targets - that I can hopefully exceed. I want to be an over achiever not an under achiever.

So yes weight loss is one of my goals. I would like to end 2010 7 lbs lighter than I start it. I would be really pleased if I ended it 14 lbs lighter. And totally ecstatic if I lost 21 lbs. But as long as the general trend in my weight is down I will be happy.

This is a first draft of my resolutions . I need to think about them a little more - but so far they feel right.

New Year resolutions

Well I survived Christmas. I didn't overeat - but my diet was VERY festive. I drank more alcohol than I normally do. My dinner was the same size as normal - although I had starters main meal and pudding.

When I felt full - I stopped eating. But I ate what I wanted - and enjoyed what I ate.

OK I ate more than I normally would have done.but I didnt pick midlessly at chocloates and biscuits the way I normally would have done. So I feel quite pleased

This morning I worked out. (37 minutes 175 calories).

I know I am not as active as I normally would be - I am sitting watching TV not on my feet at work. But I have been working in the kitchen this morning .

2010 is nearly here and I feel the need to make some commitments to myself for goals to reach in the next year. I'm just not sure what yet.

I do know I need goals. I know I need focus. But for the first time in nearly 2 years I have freedom to do almost as I like. So I feel I need to chose my goals wisely to reflect MY true vales and aspirations .

It needs some thought before I commit them to paper for the world to read.

Christmas Day

Its 7.30 and I have worked out on Christmas day. And hot both my targets.

I am siting here gathering my thoughts and getting ready to tackle the dinner preparations . I am confident it will be a good day. the food will be good - and I wont overeat.

Not a diet - a way of life

And life does not stop at Christmas. So i have been good. I have used the wii fit and done a much delayed body test.

My wii fit age is 51 - not bad as I am 57 - nearly 58. And one if the exercises was a new one and I wasted 15 aseconds or more just getting the hang of what I was supposed to do - so got a poor score.

And the all important weight and BMI scores? Well they were the same as last time - which was at least 3 months ago. This may not sound too good - but I know in between times I did put on wieght. So I have managed to lose that at least.

I trust the wii fit figures much more than my bathroom scales. I can 'cheat' too easily with the scales. You can't cheat with the wii fit.

So I am satisfied. And feel I have good springboard for 2010.

I am 4 minutes and 34 calories shy of my wii fit goal - but that can be remedies tonight. This morning I have to do the final christmas shopping and then go to work. I am hoping I will be able to leave early so I have time to fit in another 10 minutes inbetween preparing the dinner for tomorrow and wathcing muppet chriustmas carol in the company of my 20 year old son and his 21 year old house mate. My partner will do his normal 'bah humbug' and play on the computer - but I know he'll be crying about Tiny Tim lol

As I will be up way before he is or before Steve and Phil get over I see no reason NOT to to use the wii fit tomorrow. What better present to myself than to keep up with a routine that is working and is good for my health.

A very merry christmas to all my fellow bloggers

A reflection perfect for me

Taking two steps forward

Slow and steady has not always been an inspiring concept. It's not as sexy as speed and sharp turns of direction. But it may be just the thing to keep you from running out of gas, while still moving you forward. Abe is telling us that the most important thing is to keep walking forward, no matter how slowly. Sometimes slowness can be frustrating. You might become impatient; you might get discouraged with a setback. But a setback doesn't have to set you back. Simply using it as a learning opportunity can leapfrog you ahead again. From now on, try paying attention more to your direction and less to your speed. Be patient, focus on a little bit at a time, and soon enough, you'll be further than you ever thought. Besides, it's a good bet that by always looking forward, Abe(Lincoln) rarely looked back in regret.

The quote was - I am a slow walker - but I rarely walk backwards.

OK so I am not making fast progress - but I AM making progress

one day to go

One day until the end of the 90 days. Tomnorrow I will bite the bullet (not many calories in it!!) and do a body test. Whether I have lost gained or stayed the same that will be a starting point for 2010.

5 minutes and 34 calories shy of my targets this morning.but I did a new set of exercises aimed at my tummy and I can feel I have done it.

Shopping is on the agenda for this morning before I go to work. I still feel a bit overwhelmed by Christmas preparations - but I will cope. I always do

The first party

I survived the first party. I ate VERY moderately compared with other people - and compared with what I would have eaten before I learned Paul's rules.

There was party food at Rachel's tonight - and I ate very moderately.

The highs of coping with food well - and getting a lovely pashmina from my secret santa Dean - was offset by finding a card and letter from Gordon when I got home. I hate crying - it makes me feel crap.

I have hit both my exercise targets with 10 minutes of free step tonight.

Just the basics

I am 1 minute and 11 cals short of my exercise goal this morning. I tried some new exercises. Boredom with a workout is a killer

I have manage to increase my water intake .

I am a little in rabbit in headlights mode with things that I feel I HAVE to do - but I am honest enough to admit the world wont come to an end if they don't all get done before the holiday. Prioritise girl!!!!

So here come Christmas

Am I going t have time to blog? Am I going to have time to exercise? How am I going to cope with all that festive food?

These are the questions going through my mind this morning. I will be working everyday until Christmas. I have to fit in two thankfully short trips to deliver Christmas presents. I still have some shopping and wrapping to do. I have the work Christmas party tomorrow and we have a party here next Monday as well as Christmas day itself.

Blogging may well stop but I am confident I will keep up with exercise - although whether I will do 30 minutes a day is debatable.

And food ....... well I am reasonably confident I will avoid overeating. 'Eat what ypu want' is easy over Christmas. I am sure what I wont do is stuff myself as full as the turkey. I am confident I wont constantly pick at things like biscuits and sweets for no reason.

Is this confidence misplaced? Time (and this blog) will tell !

This morning I have hit BOTH my exercise targets in one session. I did a version of the 10 10 10 routine= but the final 10 was one of the wii fit routines . This meant I did 15 minutes of step plus. I feel pleased I have hit the targets - but BOY do I know I have done it!

Food yesterday went OK. I didnt overeat, I didn't snack, and my diet was healthy ish. I did in the end hit both exercise targets.

One thing I have realised is I am not drinking as much water as I should. And I am still not eating as slowly as I would like. Maybe I should start listening to Paul's meditation tracks again. Trouble is I use meditation for other things now and I can only spend so much time meditating. I know its a good thing to do but you can have too much of a good thing.

I am as ready as I can be for the next four days at work given the awful weather. We are lucky because the heavy snow has missed us so far. Can we stay that lucky?

10 random facts about me

1 I am the younger of two daughters. My sister is 5 and half years older than me - so when we were growing up I often felt she was more like a second mother rather than a sister. Sadly this does not mean we are close

2 I grew up an a council estate in leafy Buckinghamshire - which was nothing like the council estates portrayed on TV in programmes like Z Cars. The house came with my Dad's job. He was the housing manager for the council

3 I love singing and sang a solo for the school choir in the Carol concert in my final year

4 I enjoy role playing games - Dungeons and Dragons and that sort of thing. I was one of the first female Dungeon Masters in the UK and was once ranked in the top 3 in Europe

5 My most embarrassing childhood memory is wetting myself in the middle of rehearsals for a school show when I was a primary school.

6 I nearly died from pneumonia when I was 4. I think I may have been one of the first patients to be treated with penicillin.

7 My history with personal relationships is so bad that I am too embarrassed to put all the gory details down on paper. But for the past 15 years I have had a wonderful relationship. We have had our ups and downs of course but we are still together - and I am confident we will remain together.

8 I am a wannabe writer and have had a children's story published through a vanity publishing house.

9 I didnt learn to drive until I was in my thirties. I stared learning in my twenties but kept giving up when I failed my test. I took 3 driving tests in 10 years and passed on the third attempt

10. My worst memory as a parent is when my son was 3. We were camping in France . He was playing about 20 foot from the tent one minute - and the next he was out of sight. The 15 minutes until he was found were the longest and worst of my life

Changes

This blog - and many other weight loss blogs - are all about the changes we have made, want to make,or want to see. Often the most fundamental change we need to make is in us and our attitudes.

Yesterday I was brought face to face with the reality of how lucky I really am. I got the cheque through for the final part of Edna's estate and was able to go to Fosters to pay the final bill and also give Alma Barry and Sue their legacies. The stunned look on all their faces as they looked at the cheques said it all. And I found myself confronting the reality that my view of what a thousand pounds means is very different to theirs. And I found myself wondering if I had become greedy and arrogant. I do hope not.

Handing over the cheques was an emotional experience. It was hard going back to Fosters. Her flat is empty - no curtains at the windows. I automatically looked in as I walked down the path the way I always did when I went to see her. We all ended up in tears in the office - even Barry. I was surprised because Alma said they had never EVER been left anything in a will before. I suppose not many of the residents had estates the size of Edna's. They will be raising a glass to Edna over Christmas -once they have recovered from the shock. I need to raise a glass to Doug who ensured she was so well provided for. And I need to remember every day to be thankful that I am in the position where a thousand pounds is an every day sum of many. Not small change - nowhere even CLOSE to small change - but the sort of sum I am used to dealing with.

I , and every other weight loss blogger , have realised that trying to change one bit of your life -how you manage food- without changing OTHER bits of your life and how you think and feel about yourself is doomed to failure. Thats why diets dont work in the long term. If you are a comfort eater, you need to change how you react to stress so you can stop comfort eating. Then you can KEEP the weight off.

I need to remind myself every day that a lot of the things that stress me are minor and tirvial. I need to prioritise things and get a proper perspective on things. My stress points are largely historical.

15 years ago I left an alcoholic husband and became a single mother with a mortgage. Then I got made redundant - partly because I had a lot of ill health due to my back and had surgery on it. It isn't surprising that I became obsessed with my ability to earn money and keep a roof over our heads. I always thought of myself as poor . I certainly had financial restrictions but even then was lucky to have a way of earning good money.

I still have the same mindset today. But the reality is I have a pension as big as some peoples salaries, still earn more than the average salary and now have a large sum of money in the bank.
A few days ago we all looked at the picture of a model who had been sacked for being too fat - at a size 12 - and our reaction was unanimous. We would ALL love to be 'that fat' I suspect some people will be reading my blog and thinking. My god I would love to be that poor'

I AM LUCKY and I need to remember that. I need to change my mindset RADICALLY.

Food and exercise yesterday were both very out of my normal routine. I did a 15 minute routine then went out to do shopping and the run to Fosters. I ate while I was out (a sausage roll yum) . After I got back from Fosters I started wrapping presents and finally had a snack of bread and peanut butter. Then in the evening all we had was soup and toast because Tony was poorly and didnt want to eat much. O also had a pear and a cherry bakewell tart. But I ate when I was hungry. ate what I wanted (my diet yesterday may have been low in calories - but was about as unhealthy as you can get) and managed to eat slowly. I did do some freestep in the evening and hit both my time and calorie targets.

This morning I have had a cup of coffee - but I must eat soon as I am feeling hungry. I have not exercised yet - but will turn on the wii fit in a bit. I have a house full of christmas food - but dont feel tempted to nibble. So I am confident I am not going overdo the unhealthy food. I have made a healthy choice for breakfast ; porridge made with half skimmed milk and half water sweetened with sugar . Yum!

The rets of today will depend on how Tony is feeling when he wakes up

Talking positive

'New me' got me thinking with her blog appeal to end negative thoughts. I know that what you focus on you get more of. So am I being positive or negative?

Lets see how many positive things I can say about me and what I am doing today

I have clocked up 4 weeks of exercise with the wii fit with no missed days

I have decided on spending money (but less than 20 pounds a month!) to keep my hair styled and my legs waxed. I am also going to get a lip and chin wax next time. Its what I call a L'Oreal moment 'because I am worth it'

I have a 'dream' that gives my life purpose - I am not just drifting.

Compared with many people my age I am in VERY good health. I am certainly in better health than my sister and brother-in-law.

I have a LOT to be positive about.

This morning I have hit BOTH targets with my routine. I was 10 calories short so just did a couple of extra yoga exercises. Now will I still do some free stepping tonight? Normally I do it to hit my calorie target. I probably will because Its now a habit and I think I am past what the guru calls the tipping point. Its easier to do it than NOT to do it

Food yesterday was OK ish. Lunch on the run is never good - but it it saved me from snacking later.

But I cooked pasta for dinner - healthy. I ate fairly slowly - but probably not slowly enough. But I am trying .

I havent commented specifically about how I think I look. I know when I take the trouble with my clothes I look good. I still can't look at myself naked and think I look good. I need Gok I think lol!

I do feel positive this morning.

Eating what I want

Boy did I do that yesterday. Most of my choices were healthy - but I REALLY enjoyed the dorito's we ate last night. A big bag shared between 3 of us. And this morning I don't feel lethargic - infact I woke really hungry.

I have worked out. I did different exercise by accident so am no where NEAR my calorie target - but I can do some free step tonight to make up the defecit

The wii fit asked me today what I thought I weighed. I put in my figure - fairly accurate but higher than I would like and got the the response that I was way out again. Now having stepped on the bathroom scales the other day I know I haven't put ON lots of weight - but I know the wii fit and my scales fo not agree. Maybe I have lost some after all.

The 90 days is nearly up. I will do a body test on Christmas Eve.

The value of blogging

'The secret to reaching your goals may rest in the written word. Writing is a common theme through every stage of successful goal achievement. The act of writing creates a promise, and having that visual promise in front of you every day won't let you forget it. Got a problem remembering what goals you met last week? Start tracking them on a daily basis. No more guessing and fooling yourself. The only way to get a really accurate picture of your progress is to record what you've done when you do it. Got something to say or a breakthrough to announce? Write it in a journal. Journals can show you what works and what doesn't. And the stories of your success can be great motivators in the future, right when you need help the most. From pregnancy start to pregnancy finish, you can help your memory and your goals by putting ink to paper. It can make up for fading memory and keep motivation from fading at all.'

I didnt really need to be reminded of the value of my blog - but since I have been, I've included the reflection here. So what are my goals?

Lose some weight - no lets change that to get into habits that will keep me healthy
Complete my reiki training
Look at ways to use that training

I did complete my time and calorie goals for exercise yesterday. I considered raising my calorie goal - and decided against it. This goal is still a bit of an effort at times.

Food went quite well. I didn't snack much but I know I am still not really following the golden rules properly. Dinner was a disaster because I did a risotto - and the rice stayed rock hard. Its not often I have a cooking disaster thankfully

Work lunches are improving. I am regularly only eating one sandwich instead of 2 - and its not will power its listening to my body

Listening to my body tells me I am tired. I really am finding RHH difficult because I spend so much time standing up.But I have confidence I will find a way through the problem .

I did 36 minutes and 161 calories this morning on the wii fit. So I wont need to do any more tonight. Just as well as Rob is coming round so I wont have the time. I sometimes wonder how much my workouts are adding to my tiredness - but they are not that vigorous.

I still feel emotionally fragile - not helped by a bad nights sleep last night . I feel I am stagnating. there are things I need to do and I'm not doing them.

In a way this blog is a distraction because I coudl do some things in the morning - but dont have time. I need to be more disciplined.

How do I get out of this place??

The Sparkpeople daily reflection

History is written all around you every day. It may not be history that makes the college textbooks, but it's your history just the same. Do you make your own history? Or do you endure the life that others make for you? When you choose a direction and dedicate yourself to it, you make history. When you listen to naysayers who convince you that it can't be done, you endure history. When you set your priorities and stick to them, you make history. When you get distracted by things that you find useless, you endure it. When you decide to have a good day, you create a life you want. When you allow outside forces to dictate your mood, you get the life that's given to you. There are an infinite number of possible histories out there, waiting to be lived. Whatever your life has been up to this point doesn't matter. What counts is the history that awaits you in the future. Which do you choose?

Normally when I read a reflection that means something it motivates me. I understand todays very well - but it just emphasises how stuck I am.

Yesterday was a bad day for food. It wen wrong the moment I got home when Tony offerred me the biscuit barrel with my cup of tea. I said yes - and that started the rot. It turned into a biscuit fest. Why?

I was tired all day yesterday and this morning I still feel lethargic. I have done about 15 minutes workout with light routines . Pat on the back time - I turned the wii fit on and used it. But I am not motivated this morning. I am sitting here with the tv on and al lights blazing when normally I would only have one light on and have the news programme running on my lap top to save power. This morning I need comfort.

I think one problem is that I am 'enduring' RHH at the moment. Can I take any action that will put me back in charge of that bit of my life?

One good thing from yesterday was the Rob - who sadly is experiencing a lot of pain at the moment - jumped at the suggestion of some reiki. So he is having a second treatment tomorrow.

One good thing to counterbalance what feels like a whole day of bad. I really AM in a very bad place at the moment. I need to deal with how I am feeling as a priority - and that means trying to understand why I feel the way I do. Lets hope I can do a fruitful meditation this morning

Still in the doldrums a bit

I DID take action yesterday, and I have taken action this morning - but I still feel down and frustrated by lack of progress. I have come to the conclusion that emotionally I still have a long way to go after Edna's death. Part of me wants to go a howl in a corner - and that is possibly exactly what I should do but can't.

I know I WILL deal with it. That is probably what I need to take action about it. But at the moment I can't decide what to do.

But I haven't given in to comfort eating, and I have kept up with my exercise routine.

So I am doing something right.

I am one minutes and 11 calories short of my target this morning. I will rectify that after work. I have time to meditate this morning before I go to work without rushing.

Today has started OK . This week has started OK. Thats a lot better than having a bad start .

Taking action

I normally ignore the team brief digest from Sparkpeople. Something prompted me to look at todays and I found these words in the featured post

'By taking action we are taking control of our lives. No one else is driving the car. We are the driver! SparkPeople tools are the ideal means to helping us take action toward our goals. They help us not just to lose weight and get fit; they are the tools to help us transform our lives.

It seems like such an easy thing to do, but there have been times I have been paralyzed by frustration, fear, and plain ol� tiredness of putting in all the hard work and not getting the results I wanted or expected. But since there are some aspects on this journey that I could never control, the scale being one of them, I did take control over those areas that I could and this was all done via that one tiny word--ACTION.'

It was that bit about driving the car. It was words similar to that that set me off on my journey 3 years ago. I took action then my working through CYLI7D. Also I feel frustrated at the moment becasue I am not getting the results I wanted in my weight loss jorney or in my development as a reiki therapist..

I needed to read this post the re-assure me that I am on the right track in both areas. I just need to keep on the way I am going and have faith that things will happen.

You can tell how out of sorts I was. I didnt post yesterday. And blogging is part of the action because I so often blog myself into a positive frame of mind.

So yesterday food went well all things considered. i went to meet Jane and Bob to swap presents and cards. We have a meal together - and I finished my meal AFTER both of them. I wasn't conciously thinking 'I must eat slowly' I just did.

We had a chinese meal last night and I couldn't eat all mine and only had about half the rice the restaurant allow (we never have a portion of rice per person) . No biscuits, no mince pies and Steve was highly surprised to discover I dont keep crisps in any more.

I didnt quite hit my calorie goal for exercise yesterday but did hit 32 minutes. But I have over acheived every day this week so my weekly target has been met easily.

I have exercised every day for 3 weeks too. The wii fit was quite impressed!!

I was in the doldrums and I dont know why. But I am coming out them now. The word is 'ACTION'

Finding the calm place within

I realised that what went wrong on Wednesday wasn't that life got very rough but that I wasn't calm. So yesterday I concentrated on staying calm and finding that calm space within me - and yesterday was a much better day with fewer hassles. I think my bad decisions were made because I was NOT calm .

I really need to practise my meditation so I stay calm more

Food yesterday went well. I hit my exercise goals, and when I got a glimpse of myself in a glass door I felt I looked slimmer.

I may not have it got it all right yet - but I seem to be on the right track

The day of bad desicions

Yesterday did NOT go well. I made 2 bad desicions both of which came back to bite me up the @rse!!

I paid the cheque from Edna's estate into the bank before work. I paid it in over the counter as I didnt want a cheque of that size getting lost. So I was a little late on my journey to work. To avoid being late to work I decided to park in the hospital car park. Bad move!! I spent 20 minutes driving round looking for a space so was later to work than I would have been if I had parked in my usual (free!) place and walked. Then to make up the time I was late leaving (15 minutes) and walked to my usual place before realising I had put it in the car park (another 15 minutes) then found I had lost the ticket and had to wait for a security guy to xome out and take my payment manually( 30 minutes) So I didnt get home till nearly 6.

The second bad decision was when I started snacking laste yesterday when I wasn't really hungry. As a result I feel bloated this morning and not hungry leaving me with the dilemma of knowing if I dont eat before 9 I can't eat until 12.30 at the earliest - and probably it will be 1.00 before I get to eat.

I have done a work out (28 minutes 141 calories) and that has made me feel better so I am reasonably optimistic I feel like eating something. I can always eat in the tea room before i go to the dispensary so I ave until 10 really.

Anyway I have drunk this morning. Water coffee and apple juice.

Food was going reallly well until yesterday eveing as well. The hassle getting home upset my equilibrium more than I realised. never mind. Today is a new day and it has started well. I got a good nights sleep - didnt wake up once in the night and woke up about 15 seconds before the alarm went off anyway.

Lets face it you need the lows to realise how good the highs are. And if my aprking decision was bad one the reason I had to make it was a good one. Our family is within touching distance of financial security.

Yesterday at work Geoff wanted to see me and I wondered if I was about to be given my 20 weeksa notice. but no he wanted to know how I would feel about being asked to keep out patients under control leaving the others to do tto's and in-patients. It suits me . They woudnt be makink arrangments like that if they were going to get rid of me in the near future.

I asked Anthony at the agency to let me know if UHB are on the look out for a locum. he seems to think he could get me in there in the new year. I am tired of the travelling to RHH. But it seems as if wherever I am working my medium terms prospects of employment are good.

Life could be a LOT worse than it is - and I am very thankful

Why is notjing working?

Yesterday blogger played up and I lost a post. This morning the balance board was playing up so I could only so 15 minutes of exercise . Sometimes you just feel the universe is against you.

I am not in a good mood this morning.

Food went well yesterday. My biscuit consumption was ZERO!! But I didnt eat dinner as slowly as I could have done. But pizza and chips was delicious.

I have received a cheque from one of Edna's banks so we are half way to having the estate wound up.

Work was OK yesterday. I managed to improve my relationship with a very well meaning but abrasive new resident pharmacist at work. If I am honest one reason why she anoys me is she reminds me a little of me at the same stage - ecxept she is far worse than I ever was. It doesnt help that she is completely scientific and mechanistic in her approach to everything and everyone - including patients! I can't imagine her buying into the idea of the healing arts at all.

OK today hasn't started that well - but I HAVE worked out a bit. I HAVE had a healthy breakfast eaten slowly.

I am stuggling to concentrate on the positive today for some reason and I dont know why.

At the end of the day.......

After a rather dodgy start the day did get better.

I have racked up 42 minutes and 220 calories of exercise. I actually hit both targets this morning but forgot - so I did the normal 10 minutes of free stepping tonight to make sure I met my goals.

I have realised that 161 goal a day target (which equates to 125g a week of fat) adds up to a pound a month or nearly a stone ina year . i could live with that!!

And I know that exercise with increase my BMR. So if I can JUST follow the rules of eating I may just start to lose sigificant amounts of weight

Blogging thing!!

Blogger is playing up - I seems to have lost two days of posts. I spent 20 minutes on this mornings entry. Mind you I had just relaised my blog entry today was not helping me resolve probelms -but making them worse. So I am not going to try and repeat it. I am going to go away and think and hope my self image issues begin to resolve

A productive day

I am very late posting today . It is nearly 6pm and I am cooking dinner.

Yesterday I had a good day - but not a great one. I went out to do some bits and pieces. I took some stuff to the charity shop as part of my pre-xmas tidy - and that reminded me of Edna. I popped into the opticians to make my appointment and took in Edna's old glasses to put in their collection box for the charity tat re-uses them. Again Edna was in my mind. Then getting ready for christmas reminded me of last christmas when Edna came round for the first time ever. I think you can get my drift.

Food went OK but not brilliantly. We had pizza for dinner - an extra large between us with garlic bread (one portion each) and a portion of potato wedges between us. Out of 12 slices of pizza we both only ate 3 - so 6 slices are in the fridge and no dount will do me for a lunch or two.

I did exercise - but just did a boring 30 minutes free step - and failed to reach my calorie target. Oh well at least I tried.


Today has been very productive. I have sorted out and binned some paperwork. Written some christmas cards paid some bills and finally got my business account ingernet banking sorted out and been ablew to pay myself for my work. We have also put the christmas decorations up. In utting them up I have done some cleaning and tidying that has been very good for the soul. We watched 'How clean is your house' this afternoon - and it made me feel guilty.

I still haven't sorted out whether my desire to have a house that looks like a show home is something really in me - or imposed by guilt because Mum was so tidy (as is Jane).

But I'm not going to worry about it too much

I did a 32 minutes 163 calorie exercis routinee on the wii fit plus this morning . I LOVE the combine function. No time to get bored.

I have eatne very little today. I had weetabix pineapple and yoghurt abotu 1.00 (after my bath) and a toasted bagel with peanut butter midafternoon. I haven't felt hungry. I am cooking gamon butternut squash and savoy cabbage for dinner - and its nearly time to go and start the final preparation. I am looking forward to the meal - and I am sure I will be able to eat it slowly

A lazy weekend

Its strange - I still haven't got used to having weekends totally free of responsibility. I have nothing I MUST do today. Plenty of stuff I need to do but no fixed timetable. No rushing to fit it all in.

So here I am in bed with the laptop. Luxury!!!

So I haven't exercised or had breakfast yet. But I am hungry so I must make a move soon. I will exercise at some point today. I have no doubt food will be its usual mix of triumph and disaster - but I will do my best not to slip back into my old bad habits as a practise new healthier habits.

Today Christmas starts. The decorations will be going up. Its early for us but I need Christmas as an antidote to the grief and stress of the past few weeks. Plus Christmas marks the end of this year - and the start of our new life full of opportunity. Maybe what I should be saying is today the new life starts. Now that is a VERY positive thought to end on.

Back to 10 10 10

I did the 10 10 10 rooutine this mornign and clocked up 32 minutes and 175 calories. Its not as much over the 161 target as I thought it might be . So I dont feel I MUST aim for that every day. I enjoy combing the routines on wii fit plus. It gives some variety. And the main thins is that I do exercise a bit every day. Remember the mantra USE IT OR LOSE IT.

Yesterday food was never going to be easy. My emotions were all over the place. They still aren't too good today to be honest. But I didnt over eat at the buffet after the funeral. Dinner at home was ravioli and baked potato. But the biscuit barrel did take a bit of a hit in the evening.

I do think I have a much better sense of when I am full than I used to have. So I am getting better at this slowly.

I think I will enter the Race for Life next year and run in memory of Lindsey. I may try to galvanise some support from the QE and get a group running.

Goals that fit with your values

The lesson from CYLI7D was that if your goals are not being set by your true self you will not find them satisfying. You will probably struggle to achieve them and even if you do you will not feel that sense of achievement you should feel. Today's sparkpeople reflection was one I had seen before - but one the basically re-iterated this point.

The thought that popped into my mind was 'Where does the desire to have a house that looks like a show house come from' I need to think about that.

Today I am going to Lindsey's funeral. My fourth funeral in 18 months and the second time the deceased was younger than me. Thats thought concentrates the mind wonderfully on what your priorities really are.

I have worked out using the 'combine ' option on the Wii fit. 29 minutes and 147 calories. I must do my 10 10 10 routine and check how many calories that uses.

I am eating a very healthy breakfast of 1 weetabix, 1 kiwi fruit half a banana and yoghurt washed down with a mug of apple juice. (The other half of the banana will go in the fruit salad I intend to prepare in a few minutes) So whole wheat, 2 of my 5 -a-day fruit and veg - and the apple juice may help to reduce the risk of dementia. Is this what I want? Yes breakfast has never been an issue. I just wish I could get my other meals as well sorted out. But I am making progress with lunch now I have realised real bread is much nicer than the normal pre-packaged sort. Dinners are OK when I have the energy to cook properly. But Tony's rather whimish taste bugs still provide me with a problem. If I really fancy curry and rice - and he wants sausage and instant mash..........Never mind I am making progress.

Yesterday wasnt a brilliant day for food - and with Chalkie round last night there were biscuits and mince pies on offer. Today is going to be a bitty day with the funeral at 11.30 and then the wake afterwards.

In a srtoke of serendiptious timing , the letters of administration arrived from the court yesterday so I can use part of today to go to Lloyds to get those accounts closed down. I suspect that will be a useful distraction after the funeral.

Healthy mind in a healthy body

I guess everyone knows the above phrase. For some reason I found myself thinking about it this morning. I found myself wondering did Alans unhealthy mind cause him to neglect his body or did the fact that was was unable to get his body healthy make it impossible for him to deal with the problems in his mind. I decided both are interdependent - and that it is important to work on both. I am quite sure that keeping your body healthy is vital for keeping your mind healthy. So the 30 minutes I devote to my exercise routine is as improtant for my mental health as my physical health.

This mornign I recahed both my time a calorie goals -so I dont need to do anythign tonight. But I will still try to fit in 10 minutes free step. After all what do I have to lose? Weight thats what!

I have made a very healthy start this morning with food as well 2 kiwi fruit on my cereal. Some apple juice on the side and I aslo have a large mug of water. I drank a large mug of coffee during my workout.

Lunch at work went well. One sandwich and a piece of fruit. I didnt eat dinner as slowly as I should. And I did do some biscuit munching late on in the evening - but I was hungry.

I do feel things are improving with food. I do feel I am getting a better understanding of Paul's rules and what they really mean. I just hope I soon start to see a difference in how I look and feel.

Yesterday the wii fit told me my ideal weight was 8 st 7 lbs. All I can say is get real. I got told I looked unhealthy when I weighed a little over 9 stone. If I can get down to 10 st I will be ecstatic!

Variety is the spice of life

I am really enjoying my new work out framework. I use the combine function on the Wii fit plus and do a variety of exercises - including some I have never done before - and at the end I get a calories count as well as a minute count. After this mornings efforts I am 4 minutes and 14 calories short of my two targets (30 minutes and 161 calories )

Food yesterday went really well. At lunch I had one sandwich (1 slice of bread) instead of 2. And I had a cereal bar rather than fruit AND a cereal bar. I did have one chocolate biscuit on on quick break. I ate a banana on the way home. At home I didnt have a single biscuit. I managed to eat dinner fairly slowly and when I did have somethign to eat (cheese and biscuits) I was hungry and that was what I wanted. I didnt eat it as slowly as I could have done though

Now if only I can keep up the momentum and build on yesterdays success I will be getting somewhere.

I had a phone call from Gordon yesterday to tell me Lindsey had died a few days ago. The funeral is on Thursday. I am so grateful to him for telling me. No-one from work has bothered to let me know - which is a bit upsetting. She died at home with Gordon and the girls beside as she wished. She died very quickly in the end too. I get the feeling she decided that id she was going to die she just wanted it over and done with. She was that sort of person. There is no doubt it has been easier on Gordon and the girls this way - although Christmas is going to be a nightmare for them.