Here comes Christmas

Tomorrow is December 1st - and we are on the run down to Christmas. That is what will keep me going at work over the next 3 weeks. I really dont want to go to work today. I am in a strange mood and I dont know why. I feel very emotional.

For once I didnt get up when the alrm went off. I lay there trying meditation - which was partially succesful - but I wasn't downstarirs until 6.55. It is now 8.20 and I have
Fed the cats
Made my lunch
Eaten cereal - slowly
blogged in my other blog
done a work out and clocked up 28 minutes. I used the routines on the wii fit whihc are a fun way to do things. I have set myself a daily calorie burn target of 163 calories - and after my 28 minutes I have 24 to go. I can do that tonight with 10 minutes of free step.
And I am now doing this blog while eating toasted waffles and drinking frut juice.

So I have been productive this morning - but it has been a bit of a rush - so I am eating the waffles a bit too fast so I can go and shower and still have time for a proper meditation before I leave for work.

Time management

I often do feel as if I have too much to do and not enough time to do it in. But a conversation yesterday when I found myself advising someone to say no sometimes has got me wondering how many of my time dilemmas are self inflicted

For instance why do I feel I MUST do a 30 minutes workout each day? And why MUST it be in the morning? I know I need structure to what I do, and I am the kind of person who works best to a deadline but the structure and the deadline need purpose. If they don't then they are pointless and just cause stress as you try to work within them and guilt when you fail. Thats the whole idea behind Paul's plan. You can't cheat so there is no need for guilt . The only rule is to follow the rules.

Did I follow the rules yesterday. Well i didnt too badly. I did fine until I got to Jenny's huse for the circle. I bought some sandwiches to eat as I drove down. I ate one and realised I wasn't hungry so left the other in the packet - and it is now in the fridge. But jenny supplied us with biscuits and then liquorice allsorts. I am afraid I succumbed to too many. And I can't honesty say I was hungry when I ate them. But when I got home things went OK. I coked rather than have a takeaway. I had an apple probably an hour after I finished the chilli - but I did have a couple of biscuits . Also I was hungry when I went to bed so I took a cereal bar up with me - but I really WAS hungry.

I even did 20 minutes free step while watching tv yesterday evening.

So all in all not too bad. Today has started OK. I am staring at the wii fit (I had a tidy uop yesterday so there is more room to use it now!) and thinking 'shall I or shan't I' I have had breakfast (a toasted bagel yum) some water some fruit juice and a large mug of coffee . I have stuff to put down in my other blog and I am undecided whether to do that or 'move my body'

Tuning in I am still a bit sleepy and have a few niggles here and there. My stomach is still telling me I am hungry but I dont really fancy anything to eat. Emotionally I feel focussed which is good. The thought or question in my mind is how can I make progress with my meditations.

I can excercise later. The other blog is my priority at the moment.

Road blocks to success

Todays reflection was about imaginary monsters that impede your progress and how a confident approach is best. Grasp a thistle timidly and it pricks you - grasp it firmly and the spines crumble. Roadblocks can be beaten if you make a confident approach even if you only progress an inch at a time.

I have decided to see if I can identify my roadblocks in my weight loss programme and in life generally .

Eat when you are hungry - my lunch break at work is taken to suit the department not me so sometimes I get hungry before I can take my break. More rarely I have to have my lunch before I am truly hungry

Eat what you want - preparing my lunch in advance and what Tony doesn't want to eat at tea time make this tricky at times

Eat slowly - this is down to practice mainly - but a 30 minutes lunch break doesn't encourage slow eating especially when I know I wont be able to eat again until I am out of the dispensary so I feel I have to eat enough to stop me getting hungry. This also impacts on ...........

Stop before you are full. Again this is down to practice - but see above

Drink water - I can't have water with me in the dispensary so have to keep vanishing to the tea room so I have to wait until it is convenient to vanish for a minute or 2

Decluttering and getting the house better organised - its the scale of the task that defeats me.Plus the fact that I think Tony doesn't really see the problem the same way I do. But I HAVE made a start and am trying to tackle it small chaotic area at a time. I must pick my area to this weekend!!

Earning money other than by going to RHH every day. I need to make sure I have the skills necessary to work somewhere else whether that is in the community, or working as a reiki practitioner. I have to be thankful that work at RHH is quite congenial even if it is not excatly what I want.

But making sure I have the skills means practicing the necessary skills - and that takes time

I think time is my biggest problem . Maybe that is what I REALLY have to organise.

Feeling tired

You cannot hope to build a better world without improving individuals.

The past few days at work I have been very frustrated by the way the junior pharmacists manage things when they are in charge. This quote has made me wonder if there is some way I can help them improve the way they do things without being confrontational about it. Trouble is one of them gives me the impression that as a locum I am lwoest of the low - just a pawn to be shuffled about. Well today at wotk I will keep this quote in mind and take any chance I see to improve their management skills!

I am demotivated this morning. Can't find the energy to turn the wii fit on so I am sitting here typing this and chatting on MSN. I have eaten a small breakfast fairly slowly - but will almost certainly eat again before I go out.

Yesterday food went OK. At one point in the evening I knew I wanted something but instead of hitting the biscuit barrel thought about what I wanted - and did us both some buttered malt loaf. It was much more satisfying than the biscuits would have been. It has taken a long time but finally I am beginning to experience what eating what you want really does. Better late than never.

I am very tired at the moment and I am not sure why. It could be that I am doing too much. It could be I am a little anaemic. It could be all in the mind. It could be a combination of all those and maybe other factors as well. Tiredness is as much in the mind as it is in the body. I suspect part of it is lack of daylight. Since the holiday I have seen very little daylight because there is no natural light at work. I may try to get out of the department at lunchtime just to get some daylight today. I may also decide to treat myself to lunch from the coffee shop.

I need to go out twice over the weekend. Once tonight to the game - and tomorrow is the psychic circle. At the moment I only feel I have energy for one - and I know its the circle I really want to go to - but I can't duck out of the game without causing chaos. I am really REALLY hoping that it gets called off without me doing me anything. But my instincts are telling me a lot of my lethargy is in my mind not my body. So maybe going to both will be the best thing. I am not sure - but I am sure if I relax and open up my instincts will guide me - the way they guide me to the right food. Now there's a thought. That could be at the bottom of my current failure to lose weight - that I am not really listening to my body and my instincts yet about WHAT to eat. Food for thoght indeed!

How will I be remembered?

Are you a lion or a lamb?

How will your life be remembered? Will your story be lost among the millions who were afraid to take a chance? Or will you leave something noble behind? There's nothing to gain by following the crowd or doing what you've always done. You may as well put yourself out to pasture. But there's everything to gain by believing that you're king or queen of the jungle, even if just for a day. (Go ahead and roar if you want to.) Each of us has an amazing opportunity to live large if we allow it. It takes leaving the comfort of our familiar meadows and walking into the unknown. Once you take that chance, you've made your days worthwhile. Even if you have few resources, adventure is around every corner, and life is waiting to be devoured. If you were to write the book of your life, would you want to read it?

This reflection did make me think. That is probably a good thing because I am feeling very tired and a bit down this morning. But as I read this I fund myself remembering how I DON'T follow the crowd. I really annoy some of my fellow pharmacists because I refuse to condemn homeopathy. I am sure a LOT of people would think i had gone nuts by trying to train my 6th sense. And I am positive my fellow professionals would be aghast at the idea that I want to find a way to combine my professional skills with the reiki skills. They would probably be aghast at the idea that I use reiki and dont condemn it is phoney. And as for the idea that I once saw a ghost - well a lot of people would think I am ready for a straight jacket.

But I do wonder if I will be remembered as a bit of a looney. Anyway I came to the conclusion that I could not be accused of being a lamb and following the crowd - even if I dont roar like lion much.

I woke up this morning feeling very tired and very down. I have already decided I will have to cancel the visit to Rachel tonight because I am just too tired at the moment. My mind still has more stamina than my body sadly.

But I DID turn the wii fit on - even if I only did 14 minutes. And thinking about yesterdays food intake although it wasn't very healthy I ate when I was hungry. I grazed yesterday off some delicious food in the tea room including some stollen which I love. At lunch I only ate the sandwiches. I ate the cereal bar in the car on the way home. I didnt snack last night at all really. So not a brilliant day - but not a total failure.

The mirror tells me I look OK - even if my mind tells me I could look better.

I am plodding away doing my best to eat properly and get exercise. I can recognise my achievements and acknowledge my failures - and I do try to learn from them.

I am not sitting here blaming everyone else for my situation - I am doing what I can to change things.

When I woke this morning I was very down. But reading that piece has got me into a more positive frame of mind. Also I know exercise is always a good antidepressant. I am still going to cancel the visit to Rachel. Its the 30 minute drive to get there that I can't face. And I do know my limits. But I am going into the day feeling good about myself - and that always helps keeps food under control.

Step Aerobics

I did a lot of that in Cornwall - and I did a lot more yesterday . I ended up parked on the 10th flor of the multi story car park on my trip to the probate office. So I walked down the starirs, and the half ile to the court building. Then I walked back, got the lift up as far as I could then walked from floor 6 to floor 10. Realised the pay machine was on the ground floor so walked down again then walked back up ALL 10 FLIGHTS because the lifts are the type that make me most nervous. On top of my work out yesterday morning and 4 hours at work with no break I ended last night very tired. The letters of probate should arrive next week . Hurrah!

Food started well yesterday with breakfast but lunch was eaten on the run on the trip from work to the probate office. Dinner was not eaten as slowly as I would have liked - but I did resist the mindless snacking reflex. I drank lots of water too - especially as I gave Steve a reiki treatment and that always makes me thirsty. I woke up VERY thirsty this morning too.

So yesterday was not too bad. Today it is a more normal day with a full day at work. This is the first week of me as a limited company too. Exciting times!

I do feel more positive about myself when I look in the mirror so I am ignoring body tests for the moment. The wii fit reminded me this morning that eating slowly is a good idea. Hmm am I in for a barrage of messages from the cosmos about slow eating? It is a habit I need to get into - so I just need to practice

I still feel quite tired this morning and my back is definitely unhappy after all the stairs .yesterday I have only done 14 minutes on the wii fit. I used two of their routines. Warm up and over indulged. I goofed on one of the warm up routines -bird bullseye- so didnt rack up as many minutes as I could have done - and re-try isn't an option when you are running through a routine. But I had no intention of doing a full 30 minutes. I have my limits and I know when I am pushing myself beyond them. My back s giving me a clear message - and I am listening to it.

So I am not full of energy - but I don't feel lethargic. I am optimistic even though I have a lot of paperwork to face. I think I can say with some confidence things are not going too badly at the moment.

The run up to Christmas

That is what I am on now. That is what will keep me going as I get back to work today. I am glad it is just a half day though, I am leaving it 2.00 so I can get to the court for the interview to get the letters of probate on Edna's will.

Yesterday I did get going as I wanted. I even did 39 minutes on the wii fit as I played with the customisable routines. Not sure I've got to grips with them yet - but I had fun. Food was OK - but not as healthy as I would like. I sucumbed to cheese on digestive biscuits.

This morning I did 30 minutes on the wii fit. I am still playing with the customisable routines - I used one this morning. But I can't ut together a routine that uses my favourite excercises which is a nuisance.

I found myself adding up the calories I had used (the wii fit now gives you the at information) and converting that to grams of fat. 10 minutes free step uses about 50 calories - which is about 5g of fat (Ig of fat provides 9 calories) 450 grams (about a pound) equates to 4050 calories - which sounds a lot to use up - but divide it by 7 - to get a daily calorie use - and you end up with 578 calorie use extra. Which sounds a heck of a lot of excercise. BUT it isn't just the excercise its the reduction in food intake and the increase in BMR tat all adds up to wieght loss. So I musn't get too stuck on the figures.

I haven't done a body test since I got the Wii fit plus. I wonder if I should?

Winter

It is very definitely wintery now and I am feeling quite low and unmotivated again. I am so glad I am not back at work until tomorrow. I am also feeling daunted by the amount of stuff I have to do at the moment.

Food wasn't too bad yesterday although I didnt eat my dinner very slowly. But then I didn't really enjoy it very much either. I think that was the difference on holiday. All the food was delicious. I think I need to look at my cooking techniques .

I did well with water yesterday and in terms of quantity of food I know I did well yesterday. So in old terms my calorie intake was down.

Winter does bring on the urge for comfort food though. And I must guard against that. Not all comfort food is bad though. Porridge (one of my favourites) is about as healthy as it can get. I need to listen to my body - and hope my mind doesn't scramble the message. I suspect that happens a lot.

I havn't put the wii fit on yet - and suspect I may not till a bit later. I feel lethargic this morning. I dont WANT to do anything. But I am hungry and I may well feel more energetic once I have eaten something.

I am going to set myself a target that by 10.00 at the latest (and it is now 8.30) I will be dressed and actually doing things - not sitting here feeling sorry myself .

Come back tomorrow to see if I managed it

Hello wii fit

Today I tried to get back into a more normal routine so it was on to the wii fit before I did anything this morning. I only did 20 minutes - but it was a tough 20 minutes and I tried some of the new yoga and muscle routines.

I cooked us bacon sandwiches for breakfast - and I can't finish mine. This is partly because I did myself a slice of granary bread and butter before I went for meditation . I was hungry so I ate. Then I cooked the sandwiches - becasue I was still hungry. Now however I am full.

I have drunk a lot of water this morning as well.

So I feel I have a good start to getting back into a healthy routine.

But I am stil physically very tired from the drive back.

The run to Christmas begins now

Are you creating your own life?

Take a moment to look at the circumstances of your world. Is it what you want to see? What could you do differently to take one step closer to your ideal vision? We're all dealt different hands in life. That's how things are. To change things, you have to first accept that fact, then figure out where to go from here. We should all be able to count on each other for help, but in the end, we can't expect anyone to change our lives except ourselves. Nor should we want it that way. It's natural to feel powerless and give up in the face of hardships, but complaining and blaming do nothing except prevent action. Without positive action, you're giving up your power and asking for more of the same--a world you did not create. Where you start may not be your fault, but the course you run is still your choosing.

Today's reflection was a good one for me. Not only did it remind me that I do have a plan - but it also reminded me how far I have come in the 3 years since I first read CYLI7D. It reminded me how much I genuinely do have to feel proud about in terms of what I have done to turn things round for myself.

I am very down about being back home. It isn't that I want to be on holiday 52 weeks a year but there was spmething about Cornwall that appealed to me. I could be very happy living and working there. Maybe that is something to aim for in the future? At the moment Christmas needs serious consideration - and I know the preparations for that will soon cheer me up.

I really would like to lose some weight before Christmas - but I am not going to stress over it. I am happy that my whole relationship with food is much MUCH better than it was. last week proved that. So I no longer have to fear putting lots of weight on over the holiday season. I need to concemtrate on sticking to the 4 rules - and the rest will follow.

That end of holiday feeling

We are home and I am fed up and depressed about the holiday being over. I have really bad heartburn, I am really tired from the drive home and I just want to curl up in a corner and howl.

I am also far to tired to cook - so we are expecting a pizza delivery any moment. But I have only ordered a large not an extra large. So we will have 4 slices each - more than enough.

I only used the wii fit once on holiday - but we did LOTS of walking and this holiday will be remembered as the holiday of all the stairs. We seemed to climb so many!

My diet on holiday was not healthy - no fruit, and no breakfast cereals. BUT compared with other holidays I ate far less than I would have done pre Paul. I didnt have starter main course and pudding once. And if the main course was too much I didnt even have pudding. I didnt eat loads of sweets and biscuits. I didnt really snack much at all.

So I dont feel I have totally 'ruined' my weight loss progress - but I dont feel I did a lot to advance it either.

But I didnt abandon the rules.

Food is so much easier now

I have never had a holiday where I have found food so easy to manage. Today we had a brunch. I had a panini - and could only manage half of it. So I wrapped the other hald up and ate it later when I was hungry. I was still quite full when we popped in for a cup of tea - and I didnt even think about having a snack with it.

But the triumph was dinner tonight. Normally I would have starter mains and dessert. I knew I wouldnt manage that so we didnt have a starter. I couldn't eat all my main course - and we didn't have any side orders like garlic bread that normally I would have had. I did eat all my dessert - but it was totally delicious. I know I am eating FAR less this holiday than the old me used to - and I am so pleased!!

On holiday

Fo0d is not going too badly at all. I have been following Paul's rules quite well. So today we had 'brunch' of a sausage and egg sandwich, an afternoon tea (cream tea with scone clotted cream and jam) and in a bit we will be having pizza. We have biscuits sweets and a packet of bakewell tarts in out room. I have been able to resist the urge to binge and eat juts because they are there.

Yesterday I couldm't wat all of the lovely meal we had in a local pub.

So far so good. I am quietly confident that even though my diet is not as healthy as usual, I am not going to put weight on this week.

PS We are having a fabulous time

The holiday starts here

I believe that anyone can conquer fear by doing the things he fears to do, provided he keeps doing them until he gets a record of successful experiences behind him.

- Eleanor Roosevelt, human rights advocate

OK thats a strange quote to start this entry with - but it is apt because yesterday I set myself up as a limited company and got a business bank account. It was opening the account that was the point of no return for me. This something tat scares me because I dont feel I have a good record when it comes to making these sorts of decisions. I am always nervous when making financial decisions, always sure I will make the wrong choice. But I haven't let it put me off making decisions - although I do still probably take too long to make them. All I can say is the decision to set myself up this way feels right for all slrts of reasons. Hopefully I will be reporting it as a succesful experience in the end.

Yesterday food did not go well at all. The main reason was I was so busy I couldnt eat when I was hungry - so when I DID eat I was so hungry I ate too fast. Interstingly my biscut consumption was way down. What i ate was fairly healthy.

Paul's rules are so ingrained into me now , I dont have to worry about overeating this week - however delicious the food on offer. But I do know when we stop for a cup of tea or coffee the temptation to treat ourselves to some cake will be quite high.

I know I will have wii fi access in Cornwall - but I'm not sure how easy it will be access it so I am not sure how regular my entries will be over the next week.

Confession time

Food yesterday went badly, a double twix bar at lunctime -and I ate both bars. Ginger biscuits in the evening - I think it ended up at 8 over a few hours. This morning doing a 'beyond choc' tune in physically I am aware of pain in my leg and IBS pain,and I am hungry. In fact I am munching a piece of toast as I type this. Err make that munched as I just finished it. Emotionally I am nervous bizarre as that sounds. And the thought or question is will we get away on holiday OK with everything sorted out? This is clearly what I am nervous about,

I am up way too early for a holiday day -and I can't even blame the cats because they stayed downstairs. So why am I downstairs at 7.00am? I guess its the feeling that I have lots to do before we go tomorrow.

One advantage of not dieting is that you can take bits and pieces from other systems that seem helpful. So I do the tune -in. One of the beyond choc rules is that you must put all food on a plate. I am wondering if this would be helpful for me. I am wondering if I would have eaten so many biscuits last night if they had been on a plate. Well all I can do is try it and see what effect it has.

Beyond Chocolate also produced this
FOOD FOR THOUGHT

For most of us, Christmas and New Year involve some kind of party, socialising or get together. How do you feel about the coming festive season? Are you busy calculating how much you could lose in the next 6 weeks? Or are you feeling confident and happy about how you look? What small step can you take to ensure that you look forward to the celebrations without worrying about your weight and the size and shape of your body?

At one level I have been calculating excatly that. My 90 days (look back a few weeks and you will see the start of that) ends on Xmas Eve. The goal was to get below 14st for Xmas. Part of my thinks 'I could stll do that. In 6 weeks I could lose 12 lbs'

I not only have the holiday season - I have a holiday as well.

The beauty of Paul's system is that holidays don't make a difference. As long as you follow the rules thats all you need to do. The rules automatically stop you binging and overeating. And it does work. I have seen time and time again how different my approach to food is. No longer do I eeat a full cooked breakfast, and have cereal and toast and ask for extra toast in a hotel. I can leave mince pies IN THE BOX. That bar of choclate is still in the fridge UNTOUCHED and I have no desire to open it.

My relationship with food is much MUCH better. So why am I not losing weight?

Lets be honest I don't know if I am losing weight or not because I am not weighing myself. Well lets be honest I did step on the scales a couple of days ago and was releived to see the numbers had changed from the number that so scared me a few weeks ago. It once again told me I am nearer 14st than 15st. But what I haven't done is do a body test on the wii fit which is what I regard as my 'real' weight. Too much of a coward after the shock it gave me the other week - but even then I didn't do a body test so I dont know exactly what it thought I weighed. And I have no idea how good the correlation is between the wii ft and my bathroom scales.

There is clearly something odd going on in my head about this whole issue and I really need to work it out.

But the bottom line is I am not that unhappy with how I look when I make an effort with my clothes. Clearly not only has my attitude to food changed - but my attitude to ME has changed.

The one thing I have never been able to do effectively is visualise a thin me. I have a photograph of me weighing about 10 and a half stone and my family have suggested I could use that image. But that image doesn't work because in the photo I am with Alan - and I know the me in that picture is very unhappy. And I don't want to go there. Maybe that is my real problem. I dieted very succesfully - with support from Alan - and got down to 10st. But Alan destroyed my self image. I wonder if I subconciously think a thinner me must be an unhappier me?

Any weight loss system that doesn't recognise the effect of the mind on the body is doomed to failure in my opinion. I am convinced I have had a 'eureka' moment in that previous paragraph. Food for thought - the sort of food that won't give you any weight problems!

Sometimes the message is too loud to ignore

How do you keep everything in perspective?

Is there anything that Ziggy doesn't know? In the cartooning universe, he's often placed in hopeless situations, pitted against a world that doesn't make sense. He's an agreeable punch line for the quirks of human nature. Yet he's able to brush off his mishaps and focus on the opportunities that today brings. He can also look to the future with hope, knowing full well that more struggles may lie ahead. Most of all, he can look at himself and have a good chuckle. Do you make yourself anxious about things that might happen or stew over mistakes you've made? Don't let a preoccupation with tomorrow or yesterday rob your ability to face that crazy world with a smile. For Ziggy, today is today. It's not a good day; it's not a bad day. It's a day. And he knows that it's important to give that day the value it deserves.

Yesterday was a dreadful day at work. I left angry and upset feeling undervalued by my fellow pharmacists - well the junior ones practising their management abilities at least. I found myself wondering even harder if RHH was the right place for me. I found myself considering using my pendant to try and get an answer. In fact I WAS going to use the pendant this morning. But first I decided asking now before the holiday would be foolish. I don't need to know. then I decided using the pendant at all would be frivolous. And then I saw the above piece from Sparkpeople. I realised I had got the situation out of perspective - and more importantly I am wondering if today will give me an opportunity to show my doubtless well meaning -but managerially inept - colleagues in training what I am worth. I may even be able to teach them something. I have confidence I will get through today - which I didn't have earlier.

Amazingly yesterdays angst didnt cause a splurge of comfort eating - but I did indulge in some snacking.

Lunch felt rushed - but I have realised I do eat my lunch much slower than I used to. I was too tired to cook last night so Tony heated up some ravioli. So dinner was quite small as he did one tin between us instead of a tin each- and eaten quite slowly. I did have some biscuits and some cheese and crackers. I also had some more crisps - which I really didnt enjoy. It is a large sharing bag of sweet potato crips. I have decided the throw the rest away as neither of us like them.

I stopped to fill up with petrol on the way home. To my pleasure I had no real desire to buy a chocolate bar to munch on the rest of the drive. Once the chocolate bar would have been an automatic purchase with the petrol. Despite all the angst the chocolate bar in the frisge remained untouched - with no effort. When I think about things like that I realise how far I have come in developing healthy eating habits

This morning initially I couldn't face exercise but then realised what I couldn't face was the new exercises. It was my mind not my body that was having a problem. So I went totally simple and did 20 minutes free stepping. Nto a record breaking effort - but at least I did it.

This morning I have drunk lots of water, a large mug of coffee (with sugar) and have a large glass of apple juice. I am eating my breakfast slowly - and considering what to make for my lunch today. At the moment I don't have a clue.I may go mad and buy something from the cafe as don't have any dinner leftovers I could take in. Whatever I have I suspect it will not be healthy - but it will be what I really want!

Hmm I know but...............

A light supper, a good night's sleep and a fine morning have often made a hero of the same man, who, by indigestion, a restless night and a rainy morning would have proved a coward.

I know how important sleep is - but the bottom line is I don't sleep as well as I would like. I am an inveterate early riser who finds it impossible to sleep after 6.30 most of the time. I have Paul's I can make you sleep - and it still doesn't help.

Anyway despite a broken night last night I feel OK this morning. I have exercised. Most of it wasn't counted by the wii fit because I had to end one exercise before I finished. But I still know I've done it. And I have still used the calories up!

Food went OK until 10.00ish last night when the snack gremlin jumped into the works . I didn't even really enjoy the crisps. How barmy is that? Why did I eat them? I am my own worst enemy sometimes

I did drink a lot yesterday. I got through a litre of water at work. It was quite qarm and I had to keep swigging. This morning I have had 300ml of water, 300ml of apple juice and 400ml of coffee. That's more in the hour since I've been up than I used to drink in a whole day at one point. I guess that is one habit I can tick and say I am past the tipping point.

I probably didn't eat my lunch yesterday as slowly as I could have done. But I was hungry - and I only have a 30 minute lunch break.

I am beginning to think quite hard about whether I want to stay at RHH. It has an unhappy atmosphere at the moment and I don't know why. Also daft as it sounds I don't feel really welcome there any more. I don't really feel valued. Locums are being excluded from the flu vaccination programme. How stupid is that. if they need locums surely they want us to stay healthy? As with everything else I will give it until the New Year to decide. Maybe the decision will be taken away from me by circumstances.

I honestly think its only the knowledge that I only have to work 2 more days that is keeping me going this week. I do need this holiday. I suspect everythig will look very different when I have had a good break.

Countdown to the holiday

Three days at work - then I am off for 11 days!! Anyone would think I was looking forward to it lol

Food was OK ish yesterday but I didn't eat as slowly as I could or should have done. And in the evening I had a bit of a biscuit fest. I wasn't feeling well and it was pure comfort eating. The sdilly thing is I didn't really enjoy the biscuits that much. When will I learn to stick to the rules

This morning I have only done 15 minutes on the Wii fit but I have played with some of the new routines. It does make it more interesting. part of the time when I dont do the full 30 minutes its a bit of boredom with the routine.I think my basic 10 10 10 idea is still good (10 minutes slow aerobic like step plus, 10 minutes cardio like jogging and 10 minutes of anything else) but I need to find a selection of different excercises that will do that for me.

The day has started well. I am eating my breakfast (1 weetabix a kiwi fruit some grapes and natural yoghurt) slowly - and enjoying it. I pre-prepared my lunch sandwiches yesterday (how organised an I?) and grabbed a pack from the freezer this morning together with an orange and a cereal bar. I haven't drunk any water today yet - and thinking about it my water intake was nil yesterday. That was silly of me. I am on my second cup of coffee tho.

Yesterday I was full of positive thoughts. I still am, despite the fact that I am struggling with Paul's rules, feel I am not losing weight, and feel I am making very slow progress with my meditations.

I guess that is because I know I am not going to give up. I have proved to myself that I am NOT a quitter. I know I am healthier than I was when I first started Paul's programme and that has always been my primary goal . I can tell I am healthier because of how my knees and back feel - basically neither gives me much of a problem now. And I know my blood pressure is OK. No-one is suggesting I need medication of any sort.

Just found this in my mailbox. !!

Are you afraid to try or are you afraid to fail?

A well-lived life is not for the timid. The world was never meant to be approached with extra caution and fear of making mistakes. Kids know that you have to jump in feet first and be willing to take some lumps on the head if you're going to have any fun. When did we stop trying new things? Why did we stop taking risks? In large part, we're afraid of messing up. We've settled into our comfort zones and don't want to look like a fool to ourselves or others. What's the price we pay for our pursuit of perfection? No growth, no sense of discovery, few real experiences. The sacrifice isn't worth it. Are there points in your life that you wish you could have back because you didn't pursue an idea or a new interest? Those chances are gone forever--but you'll have more in the future to take full advantage of. It's been said that most people don't learn much that's new past their 20s. That's an awful long time to stay stagnant. The only mistake you should be afraid to make is not trying.

I am trying!!!

And for a 57 year old overwieght woman - that is quite an acheivment

How true

iving according to your true values

The best intentions matter little if your daily life doesn't reflect those values. How can you make sure that your thoughts and actions match? Good or bad, your values are shaped by your actions just as much as they do the shaping. Actions that are true to your values build a stronger personal foundation that others can see. Why are the memories of our greatest personal and public heroes so powerful and timeless, long after they're gone? They stood for something. They were living, breathing examples of the values they prized. It takes courage, a belief in yourself and strong determination. But it can be done. Do one thing today that shows the world what you believe. Do one thing that you know is right. Do one thing that would make your hero smile.

the above reflection is pure CYLI7D. And I think I have just done something that fits the bill. I gave a friend Paul's 4 rules to help her with her weights problems.

I am really enjoying my weekend. I managed not to overeat yesterday. And I felt enegetic enough to cook - becasue none of the normal takeaway options really appealed to me. Plys cooking meant I was moving. I did 30 minutes free step yetsterday

I have bene up for 4 hours thanks to the cats! I have eaten - but feel hungry again - but it is 2 hours since I ate!. I have played with the new porgrammes on the wii fit - and boy can I feel it!! So I have moved my body.

I am relishing the thought that I only have to work 3 more days before my holiday WWOOOHOOOO. This time next week I will be in Cornwall!!!! Can you tell I am looking forward to it??

Tony suggested taking the wii fit with us. It isn't that big - so why not? It is horrible when it sneers at you and says it hasn't seen you lately. Bullied by a balance board - whatever next lol.

I am feeling good, positive, optimistic and lots of other good things. I am going to do everything I can to keep things that way

Time to relax and think

Are you paying attention to how your time is spent?

Days don't get shorter. Our attention spans do. How can summer be over in a blink while it seems like the weekend will never get here? Because we're not paying attention. Five days out of seven, we're waiting for something else to happen in the future, and we don't take advantage of the day that we hold in our pocket. Have you ever had someone ask what you did last week--or even yesterday--and had trouble coming up with an answer? You probably wouldn't have had any problem at all if your time were spent on something meaningful for you. Don't wait for tomorrow! Ignore the calendar and work with one day at a time. Fill that one day with stuff you'll pay attention to, the stuff that memories are made of. A little bit of focus will help you get rid of that hectic blur.

Its strange but this week at work has got me thinking about whether I really want to stay at RHH. It isn't patient facing enough for me. It doesn't give me the opportunity to teach others which is the other satisfying thing. It has been a hectic blur this week. The above reflection (if you haven't found them yet they are at Sparkpeople .com) has the feel of confirmation that I dont have to put up with the way things are - whihc I always knew. But more importantly it may be telling me I shouldn't be putting up with it and that maybe a change is needed.

It is Saturday morning and I am IN BED with the laptop. I am planning a day of doing NOTHING really except what I find enjoyable or chose to do.

LUXURY.

Doing a beyond choc tune in Physically I am tired but no major aches and pains. Emotionally I am calm despite the sad news of Rachel's miscarriage yesterday. Thought or question is How can I enjoy myself today?

Food yesterday went well. The amount I walked at work meant I can say exercise ALSO went well.

I have found myself thinking this morning about why I am so fixated about the number on the scales. I read a piece the other day entitled 'why the scales lie' I know from my brief experiment with daily body tests that body weight isn't a fixed number. The piece I read followed Paul's thinking about how your clothes feel are your rings lose, how do you think you look. I used to llok at myself in a full length mirror and see a dumpy Queen Victoria type of image. Now I see an iamge that is NOT dumpy . It is still not as thin as I would like but it is acceptable. I actually look at other people and think they may be bigger than me!!

I think you DO need to step on the scales once every month or so - but I think other assessments are better than the scales. I hate the way I look in the changing room mirrors when I go clothes clothes shopping . I somehow look 10 times worse than standing in front of the bathroom mirror after my shower. I am not too keen on that reflection either - and that is what keeps me motivated to lose weight - plus my desire to be healthier than fitter. So I dont need the scales ....but I do still care about what they say .

I seem to be in a strange mood this morning. It must be the efect of all this time and nothing to do. Normal service will be resumed tomorrow

The weekend is nearly here

It is sill strange to approach the weekend without thoughts running through my head about fitting in Edna. In fact this weekend for the first time in ages I have NO PLANS. There is nothing I have planned. I will just be spending the weekend with Tony. I can clear up remaining bits and peices to do with Edna like send of cheques to pay some bills, I can get momento's off to June and ring Len to let him know we will be popping in a week today. But that will take very little time. I can chill, get in some serious PS3 time - maybe finish FF12!! I can get some paint for the hall. I can go and buy a new bed. I can do some serious de-cluttering. But the point is I dont HAVE to do ANY of them. if I want to stay in bed or just watch mindless TV I can. Its wonderful.

But the one thing I am NOT going to do is turn my back on Paul's rules. OK so how did things go yesterday? Actually pretty well

I didn;t do any more on the wii fit yesterday - but work was VERY busy and I can tick 'Move your body'

Lunch went well -I enjoyed the sandwich and didnt eat eat any of the cereal bars I had with me in case I fancied something crunchy.

Dinner went well. We had pizza (cooked at home) Originally I was going to add a baked potato but then changed my mind because I knew I would be full without it - and I was right. I ate the pizza slowly and had room for a little more when I finished it. The only snacking I did was a mince pie - but I was peckish when I had it. And I only ate one. Once I would have had 2 but 1 was enough.

I drank lots of water yesterday.

This morning I have not done a full workout. I am still playing with the new wii fit. That is something I will do over the weekend - put together my own routine. Obviously I have to try the exercises out - but that will be fun.

I did half an hour extra at work yesterday . It was very busy . I reckon I can work till 4.30 on a more regular basis - but not every day.

For a moment today, don't worry about being better. Just be.

'For a moment today, don't worry about being better. Just be.'

It was just the last line in the daily reflection that made me go 'thats good' In the context of the journey towards a healthier body and lifestyle, 'just being' is important. 'Just being' accepts that you have your place in the world as you are now. 'Just being' enables you to enjoy where you are NOW. 'Just being' gives you the chance to celebrate the good NOW.

The journey to a healthy body is liely to be long and tricky. If you can't enjoy the journey you will give up. 'Just being' may just keep you travelling in the right direction.

I havny done a proper workout this morning. I have played around with the Wii fit plus - but did NOT do a body test as it didn't insist I did. Am I a coward? The new exercises look good and mayb be good for the mind as well as the body. Jogging plus asks you questions about what you saw along the way. I am looking forward to customising a routine that utilises the new and old exercises.

Food wasn't too bad at all yesterday. But I did some snacking in the evening. I really do need to apply the CYLI7D lessons to my eating habits and work out how I can improve things. I am sure getting my lunch right is a key factor. So that means no more cheap bread - I dont enjoy it when I eat it in a sandwich.Really it means just crusty bread - REAL bread. OK it costs about twice as much as the basic sliced bread but I am never going to get anywhere with Paul's progarmme if I dont eat what I REALLY want.

Doing a beyond choc tune in physically I am aware of very niggly IBS discomfort. Emotionally I am motivated at the moment. Thought or question is what will today be like at work?

Work has been dreadful and I think I worked out why yesterday. Monday and Tuesday when I got in the work was out of control and we seemed to be firefighting all day. Yetsreday it was quite calm when I got in but got in the afternoon. The common factor was that it started to go out of control when the other pharmacists on with me where the newly qualified ones. Yesterday Bab asked my advice about a porblem and I said. ' If I was processing that prerscription I would just let it go' She then spent another 10 minutes tryig to get some more information and then did what I had suggested anyway!! 10 minutes wasted. Mutliply that by 3 for the number of pharmacists and mutliply by it LOTS for the number of prescriptions - and that is a LOT of time wasted. OK it wont always be 10 minutes it may only be 1 or 2 minutes but it still adds up.

Positive thoughts

Is your worrying holding you back?

Once film negatives are exposed to the light of day, they're ruined. In the same way, once you see your worries for what they are--self-inflicted doubts--their power disappears. If you give your doubts and fears too much development time, they'll take hold and start to color all of your thinking in a negative light. Pessimists have more health problems, are less productive, and are generally unhappier than optimists. People that don't worry as much spend more time coping with the realities of life and less time occupied with would-be problems. To get rid of worry, think more confidently. Know that you can handle anything that comes along. Know that with loss comes opportunity. Know that things generally have a way of working out. Stay out of that dark room and picture something better.

I have to say I think I have learned to stay out the darkroom. In the 3 years since I did CYLI7D my health HAS improved, I DO achieve more, and I am a LOT happier.

And I have been assailed by positive thoughts this morning - without really trying. I have realised it has been a long LOBG time since I felt I couldn't bend my knees without lots of pain, I am posiitve my cholsterol is down because the fat depostis under my eye are smaller. I did a good workout this morning (step plus x 2, island lap, 2 mucle and 2 yoga excercises) and found myself thinking 'How man=y other 57 year olds do you know who could do that?'

Actually the question isn't how many other people do that but how many are bothered. I am taking responsibility for my own physical and mental health. Thats the big step most people don't take

I have also realised I am no longer ashamed of my figure.New Me got me thinking yesterday. A few years ago i woudl NEVER have put full length photos of me on FB. I dont mind being in pics now. I look at them and think I am not satsfied with my apperance - but I still think I look OK. I guess I have learned to love myself.

Food yesterday went much better. Lunch was a positive experience. I really enjoyed the chip butty I had for lunch (only a few chips) and as a result I snacked a lot a less. I didnt feel as hungry. That is a lesson I MUST remember.

I have got the wii fit plus set up - but not used it yet because it wants to do a body test - and cowardice is making me put it off. I don't want to have conclusive proof that far from losing weight since I began my 90 day initiative I have put it on.I am being ridiculous. Avoiding it doesn't change the facts. And so what if I have put on weight? I have been through a LOT of upset recently. I should be able to forgive myself for being human. I WILL use the new programme tomorrow morning

Mix and match

I recommended CYLI7D to a young friend of mine the other day and that prompted me to dip into my copy again. Not to fo all the excercises but just to remid myself of the core principles. I have realised there is one thing Paul says that can be applied very easily to my current weight loss issues.' Most people realise that if they carry on they way they are they won't acheive their goals'
The answer to that is clearly NOT to carry on but to make the necssary changes. I clearly need to apply the same principle to how I am tackling my weight loss.

I know the rules - I need to be honest about how I am NOT following them , work out WHY, and then work out what changes I can implement.

I have done a good workout this morning including an island lap and yoga. I need yoga to keep felxibility I think.

Wii fit plus arrived yesterday. I am not going to do anything with that until the weekend.

So how did food go yesterday - well not TOO bad although I did have some dorito's yesterday evening. I also had some biscuits at work. I had one each time I went in to grab a drink of water. But I WAS hungry when I had them.

I do have a better attitude to biscuits than I used to. I never ate a whole packet at one go but I could easily eat 6 or 7 in a session and I could NOT do that now. I DO eat them slowly.

My lunch yesterday was pate sandwiches. To be honest I didnt really fancy them when lunch tme came round - but it was all I had. I did manage to eat them slowish but I am sure my taste demanded the ceral bar instead of the piece of fruit in compensation! I always take a variety of things in so I do have a choice . Trouble is sometimes I end up eating ALL of them - but not yesterday. And I am confident it wont happen today either. Trying to work out what you will want at lunchtime before you have worked out whether you are really hungry for breakfast is tricky. Maybe one day I should be difficult and go to the canteen. I dont go out because I have to have someone to let me back in and I dont want to be a nuisance.

Work was really REALLY busy yesterday - and I ended up very tired. Still on the plus side it means I am moving my body a lot!

So todays goal is to work out what I am going to try and change in how I am tackling my wieght loss

That new week feeling

This morning has started well.

I got up with the alarm after a not brilliant nights sleep.
I drank some water
I did a workout that I am roud of. 10 mins stpe plus 13 minutes boxing and 8 minutes yoga. I have decided free stepping can wait until the evening - and anyway I am on my feet all day at work.
I drank a pint of water
I am now eating my breakfast slowly. OK eating while I blog probably isn't quite in the rules - but it does ensure I am leaving time between spoonfuls.
And I a sitting here with no lights on, and no TV on but the news channel on the laptop - so I am saving energy as well

Breakfast is always a good meal for me. Its the one meal where I can almosy guarantee I will follow the rules. Thats partly becasue I have so much time but also because I only have me to worry about.

I sometimes dont wake hungry -but I always exercise before I eat so that normally solves the problem.

Eating what I want isn't a problem either. Cereal with fresh fruit and yoghurt (organic fat free today) The cereal is normally whole wheat, the fruit is normally fresh. And if I want extra sweetnes I use sugar - artificial sweetner has the wrong texture for me. My coffee is normaly sweetened with sweetex or something similar - but if I want more sweetness I will use sugar.

If only I was able to manage my food the rest of day as well. Tomorrow I will look at why it all tends to fall apart in the evening.

So I feel I am off to a good start today and that is a good sign. I am feeling positive and motivated - despite still having problems coming to terms with Lindseys imminent death. She is a year younger than me - its all so unfair.

Just to record that I am on day 3 of my activia trial to see if it helps my IBS at all. Ass my next move is going to be for Movicol it isnt off to a flying start but it was starting from a bad place.

A day as grey as the weather

Do something for somebody every day for which you don't get paid. - Albert Schweitzer, philosopher, musicologist, doctor

The beneficial beauty of selfless acts

Al was a smart man. He knew that generous acts benefit everyone, including yourself. The small actions you take now, no matter how insignificant they may seem, can have profound effects that you may never know about. Sometimes, just living as a good example has the power to inspire. Not quite as well-known are the physical and mental benefits that being a positive force can have for you. When you help others, stress decreases and causes less physical harm. Work and athletic performance improve. A positive attitude appears. And the mind is eased as troubles are put in perspective. Doing for others can involve a small gesture (pick up trash, write a note of encouragement, offer to mow your neighbor's lawn) or an ambitious undertaking (volunteer at a neighborhood center, mentor a coworker, work with disadvantaged youth). Make a habit of thinking "What can I do today to make someone's life easier

The weather is awful today Rain is tipping down. And that seems an appropriate backdrop for today when I am doing to be doinh something that I hope will help someone else. Trouble is the someone else is a friend who is dying and the act is to go and see her, But at least that reflection piece encourages me I am meant to go so it means I can help. I knew I would go as soon as I got her e-mail because she said she would like to see me before she dies. So I am doing something for her - but suspect my help may be more for her husband.

What were the plus sides of food and exercise yesterday. Well I ate what I wanted and did try to docus and enjoy and eat slowly. I didnt manage to finish my fish and chips. But I did have some biscuits later when I wasn't that hungry. But I did do a full 30 minute workout.

So a mixed day - but not total failure. But this morning I feel bloated and blah.

I feel like I need a thorough detox or something similar. Maybe I jiust need to eat a healthier diet. Did I REALLY enjoy the fish and chips last night???