Feeling good

Despite everything I feel chirpy this morning.I slept well having fallen asleep to the trance CD. I am looking forward to another day at the shop. I am still worried about Edna obviously but I can't do anything except pray -which I am doing. I have to trust the nurses and medics - and God to do what is right. His will be done.

I have had a delicious breakfast and done 20 minutes yoga and muscle work on the Wii fit.

Eating yesterday was not good but I am better prepared today. I ddn't drink anywhere near enough yesterday but I am taking my own decaff with me today and will make a oint of drinking water as well.

I am quietly confident I will cope with everything today - although I am concerned about how my visit to Edna will go.

First day at at work

I am shattered. I think 9 hours was too much first day back at work. Hopefully tomorrow will go better as I will know more about what I am doing. I enjoyed what I did at the shop though.

I haven't been to see Edna today. She is apparently much more confused. They have given her a CT scan but are still flirting with the idea of a UTI. They are clutching at straws. I am dreading what it will be like when I go in tommorrow evening.

Eating has been erratic today. I didn't take enough food for a LOOOONNNGGG day at work. I've messed up today with that. But I managed over 40 minutes on the Wii fit. 22 before work - including an island lap - and 20 minutes free stepping this evening. All this MUST be doing me some good.............. even if I'm not losing wieght it mus be heling my BP and cholesterol.

Time to get into a new routine

I am up early this morning - earlier than I have been for some time. But I need to get into the habit of etting up early again because tommorrow I am wotking for the forst time in a month!! I am working 9-6 at Lloyds in Moseley so I need to be out of the house by 8.15 and won;t be back until 6.30 ish. Actually leter becasue no doubt I will op into te hospital on my way home.

I have no work booked apart form that. I need to try and pin Emily down about whether they are going to offer me anything. I doubt if I will totally hate Lloyds - but you never know! I know I wont be out of work. All I have to do is register with an agency and I know I will have work. To be fair I don;t run out of salary until the end of March so I do have another month before things get critical. I can take my time to decide what to do

Deali ng with emotions

I think I have managed to deal with the emotions that caused yesterdays confort eating . Certainly today has been better both food and excercise wise.

I've sorted out my priorities. Edna, Steve's house and finding work. Those are the issues that concern me most and are most urgent. I need to concentrate on those.

Frustration and worry

I had a lot of both of these yesterday and I regret to sayy I ended up comfort eating yesterday evening. But I resisted a second helping of chocolate, and I only had 2 biscuits. Also I DID eat everything slowly one bite at a time - except the packet of crisps - which is almost imossible to nibble. But I did only have 1 packet. I am determined to take something positive from this to show I haven't lost the plot and that I am not giving up on myself. Most importantly it hasn't sabotaged my drive to get healthy because I really savoured and enjoyed every mouthful of orridge this morning. As I am still hungry I will also enjoy the toast I am about to do myself.

Today my priority is to work on the emotion that led to the comfort eating.

Positively bouncy

I feel quite Tiggerish this morning. The Sleep trance is very different to the others I have listened to - but I do wish I didn't listen to t rhough headhones which I then have to take out. I did sleep better last night. Not unbroken by ANY means but was able to get back to sleep when I woke. I a uo a bit earliee than usual (as per the advice given in the book) whihc doea mean I am looking at a busy day and NOT thinking 'How will I get everything done'

I was reminded in the sleep book about the information tat on average a slim person talks about 2500 more steps a day than an overweight one. That puts my 'free step' nto erspective since I normally do the 20 minute version and rack up close to 2000. I have always felt excercise was the key to my loss. My diet (even if I don't always follow Paul's rules to the letter) isn't to bad. I guess as a pharmacist I know all the rules for healthy eating. I enjoy fruit and vegetables, I love cooking especially in my new kitchenand I don't eat lots of cake and pastry - becasue I don;t cook or buy them. It was the excercise but that was missing - although I did start tryig to do something about that when I was diagnosed with hypertension.

Although it is tempting to think 'If I cut back on my food intake I would lose weight a lot faster' I know that would be counterproductive because I do know that your metabolic rate DOES slow down as you eat less. I was also told back in the 70's by a researcher who had worked on it, that a simple way to lose weight was simply to spread out what you eat into several smaller meals instead of 3 large ones. 'Eat when you are hungry' does that naturally. I wil do my best to kee my biscut intake down, and I am still glad I don't really fancy crisps any more - but I am eating a Thornton's chocolate a day and not feeling guilty.

I do think have to readjust my excercise schedule to fit in the step aeobics later in the day. I also have to work out how to fit it in round work.

Today is Edna's birthday and I am not sure how she will feel about it. I am going to get her a bouquet from the 3 of us -but not put anything on the card about her birthday. I am dreadiing seeing her if I am honest.

We also have the game tonght and have to tell Mark and Richard that Martin is no longer part of the game and a brief reason why. But I have no intention of telling them what he was arrested for. He is innocent until proved guilty.

Anyway I think it is time to stop writing about what I have to do and get on and DO it.

A busy day ahead

I have to get Sunday dinner ready, get the old fridge and freezer outside Steve's house to the tip,and fit in a visit to Edna (opefully with Steve) Since Steve won;t be here until 1.00 ish its all going to have to be done this afternoon. I may ask Micheal (who is stoping with us this weekend) to help and try to do the ti trip this morning.

I bought Pauls 'I can help you sleep' book because my slppe is dreadful and as been for some time. I've not listend to the CD yet but I've started reading the book and its intersting that he repeats a lot of the stuff that he says in the other books I have.

At the moment I am just happy to be holding it all together and geting on with things. I am also happy that I am still eating sensibly and I haven't resorted to comfory eating.

I am positively looking forward to my two days at Lloyds on Thursday and Friday so clearly am ready to get back to work - and that is good. It means I haven't fallen apart even if I am a bit frayed.

I am a woman. I am strong, I can cope with all this crap.

Whats going well?

I did the Wii body age thing today. The good news is my body age has dropped a year to 46. The better news is I have lost wieght. OK 2 lbs over slightly more than 2 weeks isn't excatly going to make me slimer of the year. But then I'm not AIMING to be slimmer of the year. I'm trying to improve my general health.

But the better news is I've done it almost without realising it. Biscuits have occasionally been eaten. Even 1 packet of crisps got consumed. I have enjoyed the box of Thorntons chclates I got given as part of my reitrement present. 1 or at most 2 chocaltes in any day. The box is still more than jalf full and Tony has been helping me eat them. And the Wii fit has made the 'ove your body' part so much fun!

I've decides I need to go back to basics with Pauls prgramme beasue there are two things I know I need to imrove on. I need to slow down my eatung again, and I need to drink more water. Both have slipped over the past week - and however excusable it is given the events that have happened, my loosing control of my health isn;t going to help ANYONE.

I am hapy to report I ate my breafast very slowly and couldn't finish it. I've also drunk a mug of water after the mug of coffee.

The rest of my life seems totally out of control. I don't have a clue how best to handle Edna at the moment. We have no downstairs toilet for the weekend because Jim won't be back until Monday. I am still nervous that Martin is going to try and contact us. I still don't have definite work for March.

But me binging out on biscuits or crisps isn't going to change any of these things - and will under ine my self confidence to deal with the problems. Martin has severly dented my self confidence and it is something I need to deal with asap becasue I will need all my self belief to cope with Edna - who can at times be like a child.

I am now more than ever convimced retiring was the right thing to do. I have faith that I was meant to retire and that a major opportunity is going to come my way as a result of that. I also have faith that I won't be asked to cope with more than I am capable of.

Here we go again

Edna is back in Selly Oak Hospital. She fell about 6.30. I got a message about 7.30 that the ambulance crew were with her. At 8.30 I was tod they were taking her to Selly Oak so I left the local branch meeting and went to Selly Oak. Got there about 9.00 and finally got home at 2.30am.

I am too tired to think,

The end is in sight

A van is on its way over to collect Martin's furniture and hopefully I will get my laptop back at the same time. Then we can draw under a line under this distateful episode and move on to our own domestic problems. My goal is to get work organised on Steve's house as quickly as we can, to get it all finished.

Tommorrow I will get back to concentrating on my own issues. Today my aim is to keep it all together as best I can.

A matter of trust

3 posts in ne day - that is a measure of how uset I am. I had another scare tonight . Jim, who we met thorugh Martin, said he would fit a new lock on the dor so Martin's key wouldn;t work. He came in with the lock, said it would take him 10 minutes to fit and then we we didnt hear from him for 90 minutes. So I texted him, rang hin, and then we walked round to see what was happening at Steve's house. It loooked dark and deserted. the door was locked with what appeared to be a new lock. So there we were with Steve's house totally locked, and the erson with the only set of keys missing. I was freaking, wondering if he was in leauge with Martin and they were going to take over Steve's house.

I left a message on his answer phone - and got a reply almost straight away. he had heard us try the door - but was worried it was Martin trying to get in. He had decided to crash out at Steve's(which he has done before) and get an early night vbecasue he has a chest infection. he hadn't realised how it might look to us.

But tere is no doubt in the spce of a day, I have become very untrusting in a way that I haven't been for nearly 10 years. The problem isn't so uch my lack of trust in other people, its my lack of trsut in my ability to make good decisons that is affected and that in turn affectsmy self image and a negative slef image is the lAST thing I need at the moment.

I have got to find a way back from this. I won't say what I could to Martin for infliting this on my family.

Poor Jim has been bombarded with texts from him. Martin hasn't yet realised that Jim, like us, doesn't want anything to do with him.

I am also anxious how this may all affect Steve. His dad spent years breaking trust wit him, and it is something he reacts very badly to. He has learned to trust - just as I learned to. I dont want that destroyed by Martin.

I have a craving for somethign REALLY sweet or VERY alcoholic.

Mystery solved

Oh my god, I can't beleive it. I need to scream at someone or hit someone . Martin has been arrested and taken to Nottingham (where he was living until he moved to Walsall about 6 months ago) He is charged with sexual activity with a child.

I would love to say it couldn't possibly be true, but unfortunately , it does make sense of some things that seemed very weird - including why he had to leave his flat in Walsall so suddenly. Unfortunately he ended up living at Steve's house because Steve wanted to be nice and help a friend who was in trouble.

I can believe this is nothing more than Martin having bad judgment and getting invlved with a girl who he thought was over 16 but wasn't. But there is no doubt he is immature sexually (to put it kindly) and is only comfrtable with girls much younger than him. Reading between the lines it is possible he was abused as a child, and he has always said he enjoys working with kids. His ambition was to open a nursery. There are so many traits that you woud say in a comfirmed paedophile were clear markers of his preferences. Was I niaive to miss the signs in Martin??

So all Steve's plans had to be put on hold today when I rang him to tell him what had happened. The arest happened at the house, and Marti has te keys to the house with him, and the police took his laptop - except it was an old laptop of mine I had lent him - to be nice to a friend in trouble.

The Alan who left us the note is Martin's adopted father. So I had the unpleasant task of telling them a) that we knew what had happened thanks to the arrest sheet left at the house, and that b)regretfully we wanted everything to do with Martin (including his cat) out of the house asap. Since I was a parent trying to protect her grown up son as best she could, talking to another parent who was doing the same the call was easier than I thought it would be. Steve was too angry to talk to them. So they are coming round later today to collect clothes and papers and are going to make arrangments to move all his furniture as soon as possible . What will happen to the cat is anyone's guess. Last resort would be for us to adopt her.

On the plus side, it does mean Martin is now gone from the house - and I was beggining to worry about how he was going to e removed. So there is a silver lining to all this.

But we have to decide what to tell everyone we know who knows Martin about why he is suddenly persona non grata . I don't want to spread gratuitous gossip - after all he is innocent until proved guilty.

Steve is angry and feels Martin betrwayed his trust. Clearly he (and we) were lied to by Martin. But te other silver lining to this is that after this - almost nothing can faze Steve - because he will already have dealt with things far worse than he can possibly face in the future.

We are all busy deleting Martin from our FB accounts and all three of us feel we never want anything to do with him again. A frend is going to get and fit a new front door lock so the keys Martin has will be useless anyway.

I had to make up a story to explain to Edna why I couldn;t over today. She sounded aweful so in a bit I muct ring the wardnes and find out what is going on with her. But I have cancelled my activities for tommorrow so I can just chill without rushng anywhere. I am knackered, fed up, worried, angry, upset.... you name it I am feeling it.

The day after the day before

Well it isn;t the morning ater the night before. lol. The party was very quiet. I think half term meant some people I hoped would make it didn't. I admit I was dissappointed - and maybe a bit gurt at some of the ebsences - but hey it doesn't really matter. I got some lovely cards and presents from my rEAL friends who I know will miss me - but more importantly understand why I got to a poit where I had to say I couldn't go on the job any more. The fact that my manager didn;t understand is immaterial. But as she turned up while I was initally off sick we don;t really know each other so it was a tricky situatio for her.

But I do feel I am closer to drawing that complete li ein the snad that seperates me from the disasters of the past year. When got home I had 3 bits of news.The good news was Lloyds asking me to do 2 'try before you buy days' at their Mosely shop to see if I beng a relef manager is something I would enjoy. The bad news was that Edna had problems and I had to dash over to Mosel;y an am meant to be going over again today. The weird but worrying news s that Martin has'had to go away for a few days' an we have got got look after domino (his cat) .This news came from his brother (we think) I have a bad feeling about this as I dont understand my Martin didn;t tell us himself. I could do without mysteries at the moment!

Food wasn't too much f a disater yesterday, and I made a point f doing the Wii fit during the evening. I aarnetly did nearly 3 K on the free jogging but I'm not sure I beleive it. The onyl difference to normal was that I had the remote in my pcoket not in my hand an I am wondering if it was bouncing in the pocket and recording more steps than I ran.

I'm still trying to work out what I am going to do today. First port of call must be Domino, I have no idea what time Jim is coming to start work n the downstairs toilet (or maybe the replastering in the hall I don't know)

Despite everything I feel optimistic and more of less in control of things....I think. But I could do without traipsing over to Mosely today........................

Party day

Today is my retirment party at work. I guess I am more nervous about that than I thought becasue yesterday evening it was crisp and biscuit time. While I am not pleased with myself, I didn't chobble as many as I would have gone in earlier times. When you crunch each biscuit (and ginger biscuits crunch very well) you can't eat masses of them.

I'm really not quite sure why things did go wrong last night. Mark and Martin were more than normally annoying last night and since their characters were the main ones for most of the evening I was a bit edgy. Role playing games can be great fun - but if the players get on your nerves it is very trying.

My plan for this morning is a bath, and wash my hair. I shall try to plan my speech durig the bath. I will leave about 11 . The party will ed about 2.00 then I will go across and se Edna then go home and FLOP.

But I WILL fit in some time with the Wii fit later and I will eat slowly and conciously at the party.

I know they are giving me some Mark and Spencer vouchers which I intend to spend on clothes asap. So that will motivate me NOT to OD on party on party food

Excercise is good for you

I've just fnished 28 minutes on the Wii fit (I'll do some more later today to get over the 30 minutes mark) I am absolutely chuffed that after a 3 day (4 day?) break since I last did free jogging I managed a new record distance. I broke the 2.5K barrier when previously I haven't broken 2.4K which was my aim today. So I don't care that it only rated me as simmering fire, I don't even care that Tony's only attempt was over 2.6K. I have acheived something I didn't think I could do - and I feel fantastic!!!!!

So what to do today?

I think the best word to describe how I feel this morning is weary. That trip to Leominster and back really made me tired. I don't really want to do anything or go anywhere today if I'm honest. I do find driving tiring. Yesterday I drive almost 120 miles - including having to turn back on the way home from Leominster when I realised Sheila had left her handbag in my car. Grr only Tony's Mum could manage something like that!

I feel too tired physically (and mentally) to cope with going to Edna's today - but I can't decide when and how to tell her I'm not going over. I did tell the wardens I would be over - but I am sure unless there is a real emergency they will cope with everything.

What I am going to do is turn on the Wii fit and do some yoga and aerobics - not because I HAVE to do it - ut becasue I want to do it because I enjoy it. I keep running through al the jobs that need doing round the house at the moment - and I've decided the world won't come to an end if they don't get done today.

Tony is miffed becasue according to the Wii ft e has put ON 5lbs. I don;t beleive that. I think he gt the adjustment wrong for his clothes, or maybe did the body test at a different time of day to the original one. I have decided to do a body test on Thursday rather than wait until March 6th. It will be 2 weeks since I started the Wii fit - and Paul allows weigh in's every 2 weeks. I feel I could do with some encouragment. Also if I the Wii fit gives me a bad report I have time to adjust what I am doing so I have a chance of reaching the very moderate goal I set.

I have re-read the chapter on positive thinking. It was amazing how much of it I could relate to my current dilemma with Edna. I think need to do some of the excercises he suggests with that as the focus.

So this is a quiet weekend?

My FB status currently says 'Sally wants a quiet weekend' Although we had no visitors this weekend, yesterday I had 4 Edna related phone calls - including one from the pharmacy sorting out her meds with no prescription from the GP. Today I wil be going over to see Edna quite soon (and its only 7.00 am!) and then this afternoon I am driving Tony's mother to Leominster. This was not what I wanted from my quiet weekend. But I am making the most of the times in between the interruptions. I am indanger of getting a bit 'whimpish' if I am not careful. Quite often when I get to a stage of thinking' I can't cope' its the mental side not the physical side that is slipping. I still havent got round to re-reading the chapter about postive thought in CYLI7D. The book is STILL just across the room. Today I WILL move it and start re-reading it.

Yesterday Tony bent down to pick a cup up off the floor without bending his knees. He comented that he wouldn't have been able to do that before starting the yoga on the Wii fit. Last night I woke u thirsty and didn't have a glass so I tried to take a drink directly from the tap i the bathroom - quite forgeting I can't actually bend down to do it. Except guess what? I could do it. So I guess the yoga or something is doing me good too.

No biscuits or crisps were consumed yesterday in our house. Tony didn't go for the barrel once - and neither did I. I really didn't want biscuits. And we both thoroughly enjoyed the take-away chinese we had last night. I was VERY hungry by the time it arrived so I didn;t eat it as slowly as I should have done. BUT I still ate it far slower than I would have done pre Paul. We had one portion of rice between us. Normally we would have had a portion each - and I would have eaten all my rice. I know I shouldn't think in terms of calories - but thst is a lot of calories I have cut out with no real effort .

I don't know what the Wii fit told Tony - but either it has told him he needs to lose weight - or he is trying to help ME lose weight by not tempting me.

I am going to feel so deflated if when I do my next body test (6th March) I haven't lost ANY weight. But I am keeping that image of me shopping with that personal shopper for a new wardrobe. .............I can see it all in my mind. Wandering round Rackham's or M and S - or maybe I will go really mad and head to London for the shopping spree?

Finding courage?

'God grant me today the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to the know diference.'

I am quite spiritual and that prayer speaks voumes to me. I think I am on top of what can cannot be changed but today - in fact this weekend is likely to be emotionally very dificult as Edma may well need more help from me over the weekend. I know she doesn't like asking me - in fact yesterday she was in tears when I went tback in the afternoon and asked if I hated her.

So I am going to concentrate on how well I am doing in changing the things I do have control over. And I am going to break away form Pauls rules to do so (gasp!)

Yesterday breakfast was muesli with plain yoghurt - a small bowl about the half the size I would have eaten before I started rerally savouring my food. After dashing about for Edna I got back about midday and was peckish so had 3 rice cakes spread with peanut butter. I really LIKE peanut butter.

Then I got in over 30 minutes with the Wii fit including 20 minutes step aerobics - nearly 2000 steps. Ok its not as high as the kick stool but hey its still excercise - and I did it with a painful foot. The crack on my foot still hurts like hell, but I got some aqueus cream yesterday. I used it last night and again this morning and the skin feels mich smooter. I am hoping keeping it smooth wilstop these cracks appearing. This is by far the most painful I have EVER had. But I can stil walk and it is not going to stop me doing 30 minutes on the Wii fit. It didn't stope me yesterday. I may even try the jogging again today which I avoided yesterday


Dinner was a 'bitsa' meal fro the freezer and fridge (bits of this bits of that) Tony had steak chips and beans. I had the beef left from last sunday with a portion of frozen homemade rissotto left over from last week. Again a very moderate portion size compared with normal. Dessert was half a grapefruit with the remains of the fresh pineapple with some plain yoghurt.

The only really unhealthy thing I ate was 2 plain choclate digestive biscuits durung the evening. And even there when I was oferred the barrel I only took 1 (normally it would have been 2 at a time) and I nibbled the biscuit savouring the wonderful flavour.

In calorie terms my intake was only about 1500 calories at most. And old calorie controlled diets allowed 1500 calories a day plus treats. I didn't starve myself yesterday, I didn't feel that hungry an when I was hungry I ate. But the main victory is despite emotional stress I didn't pig out on biscuits. And it has been ages since I fancied a packet of crisps - mainly because I know I can't savour them. If I was going to weaken on that front, yesterday would have been the day


I am hoping that the realisation I have found the courage for one thing I can change, will help me find the serenity to accept the reality of Edna's situation.

One final thought. I ave become entranced by the image of me chosing a new wardrobe with the help of a personal shopper . I am sure that image is having a powerful effect on me.

Chasing serenity

I don't think I'm going to find much serenity this weekend. Edna just isn't coping with her medication. I ended up going back over this afternoon, basically to make sure her nebuliser was loaded up. She was cooking boiled egs - but had forgotten them so I guess they were hard.

She started crying while I was there tonight and that isn't like her. She has also gven me almost all her money to look after. This is totally out of character. Normally she wants loads of money 'just in case'

I'm worried.

Triskidekaphobia

I'm not normally superstitious about Friday the 13th - but today has not started well. I dreamed about Mum last night - but think it was a combination of Mum and Edna - and she was so thin- just as Edna is. It upset me. Also when I got up I realsied I have a tiny crack in the skin on the side of one of my feet and walking is painful. Am I going to have to cut down on the Wii fit today? I hope not.I'm wondering how to deal with it and coming to the conclusion that a need to use cream on the feet regularly to stop the skin from getting dry. I aslo have the horrible feeling that if I wasn't so overweight my feet would be better so its all my fault anyway. Also I will be going to see Edna later and I am dreading it because when I rang her yesterday she said she was feeling poorly and I think I was supposed to go dashing round and didn't - because I knwo if she was REALLY ill the warden would get the doctor and tell me. I think she was being manipluative - but I still guilty. The mantra about me not being solely responsible for her health and happiness isn't working. My head KNOWS she has GOT to start making efforts for herself or she WILL end up in a care home. That information hasn't reached my heart and soul yet - so clearly I don't really beleive it.

However on the postive side when I woke up I wasn't really hungry so although I've had a coffee I've not yet eaten. So I've not eaten out of habit. But I am now starting to feel hungry so I wil go and do myself some breakfast. This going to be a good day - I am NOT going to get downhearted.

Managing my new life

Well to be honest I can't manage it yet because I don;t know what its going to look like. But I do need to have some idea about how I would lkie things to turn out.

An absolute maximum of 27 hours a week working. That is an odd number but it fits a moel of working 3 days a week for Lloyds. I deally I'd lie to be doing half days - which the hospital is most likely to provide..... but Lloyds can o Saturday half days and possibly Sunday half days as well - and a releif manager who was willing to do both would be a bonus for them. Saturday and Sunday morning would be 8 hours, 2 full days in the week would be another 18 and leave me 3 whole days in the week to fit Edna in without totally destroying my family life.

I need to decide how much time it is reasonable to spend with Edna. I want to set a norm of 2 visits a week...... say Wednesday and one day over the weekend. To be honets if she needs me more than that she really does need to be in resiential care home where everythig is done for her......but I understand why she is resiting that. And to be fair, I saw how quickly Mum deteriorated mentally once she no longer had to keep track of everything. And since I have realised I need to 'use it or lose it' in the area of excercise I can't argue with her when she insists she wants to do things. I just don;t think she is doing the RIGHT things. I'd rather she concentrated on leaving her room more often , maybe even going out with me somewhere. But she wants to do her own laundry and her own meals. Then she exasperates me by apparently not being able to make a cup of tea when I go over. But I do have to bear in mind that she is manipulator par excellence. I also have to remember it is HER life an dlet her manage it.

So twice a week is the goal, and I will accept 3 rimes a week,Monday,Thursday an Sunday - hopefully on days when I am not working a full day. Lloyds normal hours are 9 - 6 and fitting in a visit on tose days would be tricky dependig on where they have put me. Kings Heath would be a doddle, other branches would be tricky,challenging, or downright impossible in some cases. Edna lives 6 miles east of me, a branch 6 miles WEST of me would need me to travel 24 miles to fit in a visit to her - 18 miles of it after work.

I wish Emily woud let me know if she wants to use me and if so what hours. 5 half days at the hospital would be incredibly helpful in giving flexibility to see Edna when needed.............

OK I haven't made any concrete plans but it is obvious wherever I am working I will be able to mange things in a reasonable way. I have a goal and an idea how I am goingto reach it.

An Edna free day

Oh dear I shouldn;t really make that the focus of the blog- but today is the first day since last Thursday I haven't been over to Fosters to see Edna. It has been SO nice to do my own thing, chill out and go no where

I think its time for a recap on the McKenna questons and take a close look at how I am doing.

I am eating when I am hungry

I am eating what I really want. This morning it was a bacon and sausage sandwich for breakfast. Yum

I am eating slowly - possibly not as slowly as I should but muc slower than I used to

I am stoping when I am full. Well basically I am serving much smaller portions than I used to have.

I am drinkng more water

I am moving my body -- oh HOW I am moving my body. I have unlocked the free jogging on the Wii fit and can do about 2.4K in 10 minutes. I reckon that equates to over 5 hours for a marathon but I don't care. I manage 30 minutes at least on the Wii fit every day at the moment. And I'm not doing the body test every day so I'm not breaking Paul's rules about nt weighing myself too often.

I haven't listend to the tape for weeks though.

I have even done some life laundry today. A charity is doing a clothes collection tommorrow and I've got rid of some stuff I will never wear. I have even found myself thinking that maybe i will save some money from my pension lump sum to treat myself to a new wardrobe when I am slimmer - maybe even get a personal shopper to help me.............

I can't beleive I wrote ' when I am slimmer' I dont normally think in terms like that - and it was 'when' not 'if'.................

It must be the serotinin high from the 10 minutes free jogging I've just done!!

The power of positive thought

I have a friend is currently in a real mess due to some foolish actions. He is often in a mess due to this sort of thing but this mess is worse than usual. The trouble is he always thinks and acts as if the world is out to get him. So surprise surprise the world always does seem to get him.

This has made me re-think te power of positive thought. I must re-read that chapter in CYLI7D. I can see the book just across the room.....................

Although things are a bit messy at the moment with Edna, Steve's house, the work being done in our house, we do have long term plans and know where we are going.

And the Wii ft really has been a great purchase. I so much enoy using it, Tny is using it when I am in bed - and that has got to be good for him. And this morning when I got up I noticed I coud walk downstairs nrmally, rather than one stpe at a time and I had almost no pain in my knees. So the excercise is having benefits physically as well as doing wonders for my self esteem an self image. Oh the wonderful power of serotin!!!

I think the one thing I need to concentate on is that I am NOT single handedly responsible for Edna's helath hapiness and well being.

I have resisited the tempatation to do the body check on the Wii fit since my first one (4 days ago) I will do one in about a month.

I haven't written for days about how I am gettig on with Pauls golden rules. I will do that tommorrow

Being in control

I know that being on control is important for me in many areas. Currently I feel in control of food, and excercise - and finance if I'm honest As yet I don't feel in control of work or the situation with Edna . I am worried these could trip me up and destroy my control of food especially.

I am still optimistic - but I do feel as if I am on a tightrope. One false step and I could fall.

So I am going to concnetrate on NOT falling as best I can. I have no idea how I can do this, but since I am going to concnetrate on staying on the tightrope, by Mr McKenna's tenets I should stay on.

I do really need to make time for visualisations. Is that a fancy way of saying I need some 'me' time?

Edna

Today is not about me and food or my health but about Edna. She is not coping well at home but she won;t admit it. However she HAS agreed that I should go over early today to make sure she has a cup of tea and some breakfast . I am also hoping to persuade her to change her clothes and maybe have a wash. She has been wearing the same outfit for DAYS. She says it was washed in hospital - but I know it wasn't. But she has admitted it hasn't been washed since she came home so today I am hoping they will go in the laundry basket.

Otherwise it could be ME in the basket - a real basket case. At least I still have a sense of humour!!!

What a brilliant day!!

Yesterday I had a brilliant day both with food and excercise. The Wii ft has inspired me. And I think the cooking programme on the DS is also going to help me to creat inspring new food that I can savour slowly.

Today has started well too. A slowly savoured breakfast (weetabix dreid fruit and skimmed milk, coffee ) I have odne 20 minutes with the Wii fit mainly aerobic excercise but some balance and musle tone as well. Ans I am sitting here slightly puffed with a large g;lass of water.

Next stop is the brain trainer.

An added bonus with the Wii is tat Tony and I can do things together.Last night we did bowling and golf. As long as I avoid RSI those also add to the sum total of movement in a day and it will bring a new dimension into our relationship.

The rest of my life is NOT as well organised, but because I feel good about myself at the moment, I feel better able to cope.

I've realised I don't have to take the body test every day so I don't have to breal Paul's prohibition on regular weigh ins.

Althoug it looks as if Edna is about to make m life quite tricky, it was her generosity that enabled me to get the Wii. Maybe there is a pointer there for me. Things happen for a reason.

I love the Wii fit

I started using it today and my body age is 47. Not bad for an overweight woman who will be 57 in 3 weeks time. I really enjoyed the workout and the jogging.

I think this will make it very easy and a lot of fun to 'move my body' Of course the daily weigh in is way against what Paul's programme reccomends - but I can ignore that I am sure. I have set myself a very moderate goal anyway.

Well what a day it has been

Edna has been discharged from hopsital, so I am starting my new role giving her more suport than in the past.

Emily has contacted me to ask what hours I want and where I want to work.

And we now posess a Wii fit courtesy of Edna - so I now have a proper way to work out.

I could be on the vere of some VERY good things :-)

The snack and me!!

I've just re-read yesterdays entry. 'Where it went from here' was downhill. I was out and about at midday so of course I ended up snacking on the run.

What I SHOULD have done was take time to have a proper snack (if there is such a thing!) like a sandwich or even a baked potato before I went out. So why didn't I? The timetable was self imposed so I only had to go out once. So I looked at doors, did the shopping and visitied Edna all in one trip. But I didn't HAVE to get the hospital at the start of visiting time. That was my choice so I could get home sooner. I sabotage myself when I make these sorts of decisions.

Why do I enjoy snacks? Well it should be obvious why I enjoyed the chocolate coated cereal bars(small ones) that I ate while driving to stave off hunger pangs. They didn't work very well either. What I didn't do was drink. In fact I didn't do well with water either yesterday and again it all fell apart because I was rushing about. I need to get into the habit of habit of having water with me at all times.

I still have a mindset that says 'keep busy in the day and you won;t want to eat so you can then eat more in the evening when you are relaxed' I have GOT to deal with that.

So I have just had my normal yummy breakfast (and I had water before I ate) I will have more water, another coffee and possibly some toast to finish. I am sitting here feeling peckish still.

I will do my workout (OK mini excercise routine but it gets my heart rate over a 100 so by definition it is cardio) then lan my day to INCLUDE eating a drinking when I need to. I not only NEED to eat and drink I DESERVE TO EAT AND DRINK and I love myself enough to enable me to do it.

Me and my food

I've decided to use my holiday to really try to get to grips with my relationship with food.

I've already realised I need to eat more in the mornings and today I have done well. I got u at 8.00 and at ten ast 9 I still haven't quite finished breakfast!. Initially I had one weetabix, and a kiwi fruit with some yoghurt, washed down with a mug of caffeinated coffee. I finshed all that without feeling guilty about not leaving something on the late because I only had one weetabix not two. I then mucked around in the ktichen a bit, drank a mug of water and did a bit of a workout. 100 step ups - 50 with each leg leading. I realised I need to keep both knees able to lead off up stairs and my normal routine always uses the left leg to take the wieght as I climb the stairs. As I was doing my second tranch with the right leg taking the weight the phrase ' use it or lose it' came to mind. If I 'use it' every day doing the step ups, I shoudl be able to get upstairs until I am quite old. I drad ending up like Mum or Edna.

After that I had two peices of toast with marmalde (no butter) and a mug of decaf coffee . I have just finished my second course while typing this. I still feel eckish but I don;t really fancy anything so I am full. I have also had near;ly a litre of fluid and thats good for so many reasons.

I should now be fine until middayish for food. Lets see what happens!

Snow snow go away

It has snowed today. London has come to a standstill but here in Brum its not that deep. But all the schools will be shut tommorrow. However I did manage to get to my nterview today - and it seemed to go OK. But another agency have asked if they can pass my CV to Boots. I just wish Emily would let me know if the hopsital want me as a locum. It would be the best solution.

Food has gone OK today - but excercise has been a disaster. No work out and almost no walking. Anyone who thinks I am going to walk in snow and ice has another think coming.

I also feel as if I am coming down with a cold. Plus Edna's discharge has been delayed by at least 48 hours. It is now planned for Thursday afternoon instead of tommorrow afternoon.

I guess the snow is making me depressed. :-(