I am very tired this morning. I didn;t sleep well last night and I am not sure why. I suspect its becasue I am not doing the amount of exercise I normally do. I am thinking tomorrow I will have a spell in the gym either before or after work tomorrow morning.

After going over our portfolios with Clare, I feel a lot better. I can now see what I need to do. I am confident I can get it all done ready for second submission - and have to only tweak it for 3rd submission.

I treated myself yesterday. I got my feet nibbled. I went to mooch around the Pallasades before Clarre arrived. I did some Christmas shopping - and found a lovely place called Happy Feet. 35 minutes for 20 minutes. 2 more treatments like that and I will be entitled to 15 minutes free - and its easier to get to than Feet retreat. I must drag Maggiue there.

So I am sitting here feeling tired - but optimistic. I know I have a patient at the hopsice - but I was so late getting up I really have to rush if I am going to meditate and shower before I go out - and I haven't had breakfast yet.

I really REALLY need to get to the roots of why I am not sleeping. I need time in the mornings - and this morning I haven't got it. But as ever blogging has enabled me to pinpoint the problem by helping me clear my thoughts

So here I sit this morning eating my very healthy breakfast of kiwi fruit, bran flakes and and fromage frais. I am looking back at yesterday with mixed feelings

Food was mixed/ I did bacon bagels for breakfast. But I did them as a treat for both of us. I wasn't hungry when I woke up, but by the time Tony woke up I was - and bagels really appealed to me. And to be honest yesterday morning we were both still zonked from the psychic fayre. We needed and enjoyed the treat. And I really DID need to use up stuff from the freezer. I WILL defrost it this week!

Exercise was non existent - unless you count the bits and peices of housework like saorting out the laundry and cooking. I looked at the wii fit - and decided I was WAY too tired. I really MUST do something different next weekend in Alcester. We are doing an all day fayre then helping on an investigation in the evening. We've booked a hotel to stay overnight as I will be in NO state to drive back after all that. I even know what I need to do I think. I must drink some water between each reading to help me ground myself. And it won't do my health any harm either. Its the universes constant message to me., DRINK MORE WATER

I did put in an hour on my portfoilio - and have realised what my major fault was. I am not putting in enough detail. I am making my usual error of assuming something is so obvious I don't need to say it. The assessor is looking for proof that I know HOW to do things not just WHAT I should be doing.

Today I am meeting Claire if all goes to plan. So I will be walking, and I have just done some cleaning in the kitchen. Literally down on my knees scrubbing really dirty parts of the floor. I have also given the whole kitchen a good clean - even cleaning the inside of the microwave. So I am 'moving my body' well today. And if I can keep on track with my food choices I will be a very happy person.

Today feels like a good day

Its monday, the day after the psychic fayre and the first day of my week off (apart from Thursday morning that is)

I am determined I am going to make good use of this week. I have already started on getting banking and accounts sorted out, and am now waiting for other people to contact me to take it to he next stage.

I am still on a high from yesterday, looking forward to next weekend, and have just arranged for Tony and I to do readings at the ghost hunt at the Station Hotel in November.

I must make progress this week on my portfolio - and I must must MUST fit in some exercise on the wii fit or kinect

I've had a rather 'off' week. I felt poorly a lot of the time. But today feels like a new start. We are at the psychic fayre today. I have a week off next week ( well all bar Thursday morning) And we are at another fayre NEXT Saturday too. This could be a start for Krystal Wolf!!

I had melon for breakfast this morning. I am about to have a bath, meditate and get ready for the fayre.

Next week I will put in some serious work on my portfolio. I am going to make progress with my gaols

I am feeling more positive today. It is 7.50 and I am up, have meditated, showered and dressed, and am now blogging. I haven't eaten yet. I am not sure I am hungry or what I fancy, My munch is ready in my bag for me to take to work,

I know things have gone off track this week - but I really haven't been feeling that well. I am getting over it - and next week when I am off work I will get back on track again,

I am really looking forward to the psychic fayre on Sunday and that is what is keeping me going at the moment.

I am very blearily getting on with things this morning despite feeling yuck. Having come form work early on Tuesday, I was relieved when Jean rang to cancel my session at the hopsice due to a lack of patients. So I spent yesterday in my peejays all day and din;t really do anything. Nothing physical mental or spiritual.

However this morning I have gone through the motions spiritually - but thats about as far as I would go. I have also sorted out the kitchen, put some laundry in and still haven't put the tv on. I have about an hour and twenty minutes to blog, eat, shower and dress.

I am doing too much. I need to lay down the law at the hospital about the hours I do. I am starting at 9 intead of 10 so my default time leave must be 3 not 4, Well I will try,

Next week I am not working at all except they really do need me for a half day on Thursday. I am actualy quite pleased i ine way that the Alcester Ghost festival has been cut back due to Karl and Sha'z problems. So we are only needed on the Saturday. I can cope with that. And from then till the end of the year I am working 3 days a week for half the time, 4 days the other half and I have one 5 day week at Little Aston - but that is a doddlle - almost like a holiday. So I think I will be Ok until the end of the year

I have shocked myself by how physically tiring I am finding things in a way.

I need to get started on my HPD work if I am to stick to my goal. When I get home I WILL put in a couple of hours each night.

My diet has been dire over the past couple of days. And this morning I am sitting here wondering what I want to eat - and not being sure. I am hungry - but not massively so. Today I will get back on track with food.

Yesterday was a strange mix of good and bad. I walked to work then did 10 minutes on the treadmill before I started.We were down to a skeleton crew but luckily the hospital was quiet so we coped well. But I have managed to lose my mobile, and last night I ended up snacking on chocolate brownie bites last night.

Steve popped in to tell us about his first visit to the job centre, and he wasn't feeling well. I am now not feeling well either so I am wondering if I have caught it from him.

This morning I feel TIRED and I ache . My eyes are a bit watery, I have the beginnings of a headache and I although I feel hungry I don't really fancy anything. I have a couple of slices of toast in front of me which I don't think I am going to finish.

The ache could be from the treadmill. The other symptoms could be my imagination looking for an excuse not to go to work. But the tiredness is very real. I have been pushing myself over the past month. I think I am doing too much.

So do I go to work or not? My instincts are to stay home - but I am concerned my desire to stay home, and all the symptoms prompting me to stay home, are psychological rather than physical.

I have done my spiritual exercises this morning. I did the same as yesterday and did them before I did anything else. The card I picked was 2 of swords - a conflict. Well I do have an internal conflict this morning.

This morning I feel I have got my priorities right.

I got up, fed the cats, took my tablets, made lunch, made myself a coffee then went back upstairs for my spiritual exercises before I did anything else. I am now sitting here having breakfast while I blog. My intention is to head to work early and se the gym before work starts.

We told Tony's family yesterday about us getting married next year. Well TONY told them so it really is official now. Strange that we should be making these plans when we are aware of other relationships breaking up. The latest if Shaz and Karl who run (or ran) The Whispering Witch.

I feel on track today - and that is a good feeling

I am typing this blearily on the morning after a ghost hunt. Mind you I did get 6 hours sleep. Got to bed at 4 and woke up again at 10.

Ghost Hunts tend to be high carbohydrate caffeine filled fests . But on the other hand I am moving around long after I would normally have gone to bed. Most of my caffeine lasy night was sugar free Irnbru - but I did hit the cakes and flapjack bites. Oh and a sausage roll.

So this morning I sit here feeling sluggish, but a bit peckish. Interestingly although I am tired I haven't eaten yet and what is tempting me is cereal fruit and fromage frais - i.e. my normal breakfast. The quick fix breakfast of toast doesn't appeal. Although I must admit a quick fix of waffles does.

As well as being tired, I am dealing with demons of jealousy and delf doubt. The hunt was flat for me - but Tony had an amazing wow moment. A spirit that tried to channel through him - but he was able to keep him out. And the information he got was confirmed later. He also did three spot on readings. Mind you I did one as well. But when I see Tony doing things I would LOVE to do and can't it does upset me. It feels so unfair.

I got interrupted there by Tony waking up. So I made both of us a drink and got myself some breakfast. And I have toast with banana. Its wholemeal bread and I didnt use any fate spread on it so its healthy - comforting.

I need the comfort to re-assure myself that I am not a total failure. I am sort of wathcing Supersize vs Skinny as I blog. I don't have the extreme viws of some of the people on that....at least I don't think so.

But at least I can recognise when I am using food for other than nutritional reasons! Am I really comfort eating this morning. Hell yes! Inside I feel crap. I need to do something to re-assure myself that I have my own gifts. I have eaten the toast - and I still feel hungry.

I am sitting here thinking 'I am crap. I can't do anything I would really like to do. I'll never do the things Tony does . '

I need some MAJOR soul searching today to get myself out of this mood

Its the weekend and tonight we are off on an investigation. I need to go shopping but don't have a timetable for anything day.

So what am I going to do today to keep myself on track with my goals? Well I will be walking when I go shopping. I could even walk to Northfield to the shops - but I think to go to Selly Oak because I have in mind to buy that western digital thingy Darren recommended to us. Plus I am thinking about a camera for the ghost hunt. We have a camcorder but it used tapes and I am not sure it does night vision. I am not sure you can still get the tapes anyway. So I need to investigate if we can. But really difital is best for the paranormal so I may just splash out on a new one

Anyway investigations are pretty good exercise .

Food will be OK. I seem to be getting the hang of not eating when I am not hungry. But I will take some healthier snacks to the ghost hunt. Biscuits will be provided - but I would like the option to have something else.

I am in a chill out mood today. I may do some wrok on my HPD portfolio at some point.

I think the point is I have choices. And I am confident I can make GOOD ones

I am attributing my weight loss to several things but mainly the extra running around I have been doing by being back at work. As the great Mr McKenna says ' move your body' But there are two other girls who also do a lot of running around the hospital who are both trying - and failing - to lose weight. Part of that is that they have to use the lifts because they have trollies with them. Also because they will stand and work at the trolley on the ward, whereas I will walk to somewhere where I can sit. They STAND a lot more than me, but I seem to move more. I am sure that is an important factor. But I am also wondering if because I see the movement as helping me lose weight, it in some way speeds up by BMR? Am I thinking myself thin?

Do they see the movement as a chore ao it slows down the BMR? Also of course they are not losing weight - so don't have the positive outlook on it that I have. Both of them were unable to understand why the first step to losing weight as to actually love yourself enough to take proper sensible steps.

My pictures arrived yesterday. Sadly the studio have made a goof and one of the pictures I ordered is missing . I will ring them today and hope I can sort it out. Whether the picture will still be stored anywhere I don't know. But since they own the copywrite - I have some hope.

The gym hasn't figured much this week. I will try and use it today even if only for 10 minutes .

I weighed myself this morning. - and I've lost 3.5 lbs. I guess all the extra running around at work is having an effect.

So I am on track with both goals as I handed in my cases to the college yesterday.

So what now? How can I build on this foundation? Well I can make use of the gym at work on a regular basis.I can work on reducing the snack foods. But I don't need to do anything too drastic.

I think I need to look at my spiritual efforts and time management, I waste a LOT of time in the mornings on the laptop. I've culled all the games, I am staying away from locum voice, Last night I found myself making my lunch for today during a break in the TV while Tony was upstairs.

If I have more time in the mornings I will have time to meditate properly.

I was so disorganised yesterday morning I didn't get time to blog. WEll lets be honest I couldn't focus. I couldn't meditate at all. But despite that yesterday was a good day.

I will be handing in my cases today to Nick to try and get my certificate. My goal was by the end of the month and I am way ahead. Next move is to get my portfolio done. I realise I've wanted my first hand in, so I will now have to complete the whole thing before second hand in, to hopefully get it right by third. I wonder what happens if its still nit up to scratch on the third?

Yesterday I also used the gym at work for the first time. I treated myself to a top and pants in a size 18. They fitted. And I looked at the pants I wear at the hospice and they are size 20. I was worried the 18 wouldn't fit but it was fine. Now I need to try to get into those jeans I bought ages ago but can't get into.

I only did 10 minutes on the treadmill yesterday - as well as walking to work and round work. I did a lot of that yesterday. But work was quiet so I left early. It was great. That gave me the time to cook proper food for dinner as well as get my cases ready to hand in.

This morning everything feels like a struggle. Yesterday I did 30 minutes on the wii fit after not using it for 10 days. It seemed like SUCH a good idea at the time but I regret it now. I am obviously wrong in assuming my walks to and round work are a replacement for the wii fit. Something to think about.

I also feel tired and had to struggle to get up at 6.30. I almost over slept.

Anyway I have a busy day today. Shopping work and doctor - so I am using the car . There are lots of reasons why but the main one is the idea of walking home from the doctors after a cervical smear. But the after effects of yesterdays session have made me realise I still need the wii fit. But it will have to be tonight. I ache MUCH too much this morning.

But I am bouyed up by an amazing development. We have agreed we will get married next year on my 60th birthday. And Tony has actually told someone. He told Darren last night at the game. So I know he is really comitted. Now all we have to do is book it!. Then we have to decide who else to tell. We don;t want a huge fuss made so we may just tell family after its happened, or very shortly before so they can't make a fuss about it all. The only exception to that is Steve of course - since he is one person who MUST be there.

I am eating as a type = but taking time to chew properly - and with half my bowl of cereal left I don't want anymore. I may pop the rest in platic container and take it to work for a mid morning snack.

I put in a lot of work this morning getting the third of my cases written up.If I stay focussed I can get all four cases written up, learning outcomes added and handed in by the end of this week. So I am track with one goal

As far as my weight loss goal is concerned - well my eating hasn't been horrendously unhealthy - but I haven't done a lot of exercise over the weekend. But my food choices have been pretty healthy. And thinking yesterday my portions have been well controlled.

I haven't meditated at all this weekend, but I have done blogging - and a lot of thinking. So on the whole I feel I can be positive about things

Self Image

This is one of the days when my two blogs seem to overlap. I have been drawn to focus on the importance of self image - and I think i need to look carefully at MY self image if am to achieve my goals. This is one occasion when blogging as meditation comes into its own

So how do I REALLY see myself? Am I a pharmacist or a reiki practitioner or a hypnotherapist? Am I healthy or unhealthy? Am I confident or timid?

A question I can answer at last. I am confident when I know what I am talking about, when I understand what I am involved in.

What do I do that promotes my health? I do exercise a lot more than I used to, and I do make healthier food choices than I used to. I make time to meditate and that has been shown to promote good health. I certainly didn't do any of that when I first started this blog.

Can I be a pharmacist AND a reiki practitioner AND a hypnotherapist? Of course I can. They are not mutually exclusive. I even had an idea before I got up. I thought about contacting the PCT or DAT when I get my hypnotherapy certificate and asking if they would see a role for hypnotherapy with their clients. I think they will take me more seriously because I am a pharmacist.

And yesterday I used my Athens password to search medical databases for the term 'reiki' and got over 1000 hits including a paper on reiki in critical care.

Lets be honest I would love ROH to do some research on reiki in a hospital setting using me as a reiki practitioner.

So how do I really see myself? As someone with potential for lots of things who needs to focus to achieve it. It won't happen unless I put the work in.

I am also over weight - but in reasonable health.

I waste too much time on FB and Locumvoice. I need to be focussed if I am to get my HPD.I haven't focussed in the evenings as I should have done this week. Why not? Tiredness, distraction with Steven Young here, fear of failure - fear that my cases wont be acceptable. Why do I think that? Because I still DO tend to think of myself as a failure and assume things MUST go wrong in some way. Hmmmm - that is a very ingrained attitude. Its been a round a long while - and I got an image of Mum in my head as I thought about it. Mum didn't trust anyone to do anything (neither does Pam the technician at ROH) so I don't trust myself. I feel Pam will always find some fault with what I do at ROH - and her procedures are picky and complex in the extreme. I wont bring CD's back from wards because I don't understand their procedure. It makes no sense.

And every time I feel I am worried about getting one of Pam's procedures wrong I send myself a signal saying 'You always get things wrong'. THATS why I am having self image issues. I need to deal with this if I am to cope at ROH. Big wake up call or what?

I really do see myself as failing at everything STILL. This is not good. But at least I have now relaised and can do something about it - I hope.

I have a LOT to think about.

I came home from work yesterday feeling I could phone in sicj today with a headache or stomach problems. I don't have either - but I am very tired. This is how I used to escape form work before I retired. I would be so tired and fed up at the end of one day that I would talk myself into an illness to prevent me having to go to work the following day. I certainly had a low threshold for being ill in those days.

It is worrying that I have the same thoughts now. I wonder what it means? Something to think about.

The wiii fit remains stubbornly unused by me this week. Walking to and from work replaces it. And yesterday afternoon I was rushing about so much and not really sitting down at all. If this is how ROH treat their band 7's I am not surprised they have a problem with staff retention. Emmeline has already told me they need me until the end of the year. I must be sensible about booking dates. I cannot work 4 full weeks in a month . I must have at least one week when I hove some time off. Mind you at one point I would have been saying I can't work a full week. I must be honest and say my days when the hosice were quiet were a godsend. But the Hopsice will never keep me after 3.30 so I will always be home by four and is a much calmer day than hospital work.

I also have to think ahead and plan how much bank work I can do as I start to get other clients. I still intend to work out of Nicks College one day a week. OK I can do evenings and weekends there but from January ROH must understand they cannot rely on me as much. The one or two regular days a week is all I want to do for them.

AS ever this blog had proved its worth and helped me clarify my thoughts. Yay for blogging.

Food went well yesterday. Steve Young treated us to a chinese takeaway. I only ate half mine. Today I am taking soup toast and a banana to work for lunch.

When I started this entry I wasn't quite sure I was going to work today. There was a small part of me that could have phoned in sick. That part has had its say through this blog - so I know I will go in - and have a good day.

I am starting my day in a positive mood. I have drunk water. I am eating a healthy breakfast slowly and mindfully. I have made a healthy choice by using fromage frais on thew cereal rather than yoghurt. But I am opting to get lunch from the canteen today rather than make my own. I am rather low on energy and I need to get a move on if I am going to meditate before I go to work.

The weather is really dismal - but I feel little urge to use the car.

I haven't used the wii fit for a few days - but I have been walking to work and been on my fett so much during the day this week that I dont feel too guilty. But I do need to use it maybe for yoga or something like that. But maybe mornings is no longer the best time.

I have now written up two of my hypnotherapy cases. I am trying to make better use of my time in the evenings

I registered to use the gym at ROH yesterday. I also feel I am more in control of my eating. I am also drinking more water. And yesterday at work I spent most of the day walking round the hospital/wards as well as walking to and from work - despite some grotty weather.

I also had an amazing email from Amelia who is delighted with the results of the hypnotherapy I did last Thursday with her to help her with a phobia. She has already seen some major changes. Result!!

I feel positive about things - and intend to keep it that way

Well how strange that on the day I felt I needed to make decisions, Tony and I jiontly made a decision to abandon the Monday game that has been such a struggle for so long.

So I made some progress with my cases last night.

I also stepped on the scales so I know a) that I really HABR lost some weight since I finally drew a line under my thyroid problems and b) now know my target for Chistmas.

At the induction day yesterday I disocovered they have a gym that staff can use so I am going to investigate that today. The weather today is awful and I can see the car being used rather than me walking. I do also need to do some shopping so there is a practical reason why I need the car as well.

I am trying to eat mindfully - and drink lots of water.

decisions to make

I need to think carefully about how much work I do for ROH. I may have to say I don't do more than 3 days a week. I am working there four days this week. Since two of the days I am spending half the day being inducted I reckon I will cope OK. But next week I am down to work 4 full days. and have a ghost hunt at the end. THAT will be the real test.

This morning I got up more or less when I woke up instead of lying in bed until 6.30. I do feel that was a significant move. I have done my emails and am now blogging.I feel focussed.

I haven't used the wii fit as I will waling to work and back plus the walking I will do round the department later. I have made sandwiches for my lunch with sandwich spread instead off butter. And I have been using fromage frais on my breakfast rather than yoghurt . I noticed the fromage frais information wheel was green where the yoghurt one is green with one orange - so the ff is healthier.

I feel I need to make healthier choices if I am to lose that stone before christmas. I also need to get the guts to stand on the scales or do a body test I suppose. But I did a body test 5 weeks ago . Being a stone lighter than that will be perfectly OK.

Tony has been drinking more water over the past day or two. I need to follow his example. I do drink more water when I am the dispensary becasue I can't be bothered to make coffee (or don't have the time !) Healthier food choices and more water sounds like a good plan to me.

But I do need to focus on only eating when I hungry.

I need to make a strat on the cases today. I am determined to make progress with BOTH my goals this week.

I haven't made a brilliant start towards to my goal of losing a stone before xmas. But I haven't made a disastrous start. I was supposed to go swimming this morning - and didn't go. But last night I was at Sam and Graeme's and we had a takeaway. We had a curry and I really couldn't finish it.

I am so tired today. I have decided I need a day off to recuperate from a busy couple of weeks.. So I'm not doing ANYTHING today. Not even writing up anything for my portfolio .

I need to hava e along think about the days I am doing at ROH. I need to keep it down to 3 maximum.

Time to move on with the rest of my life

It has been 2 months since I posted here. Life is now settling down again after the excitement of my illness. Life has settled down very well really. But I feel I need to get back to blogging to keep my focus on where it should be.

I look at where I am today and it looks and feels good. I am almost overwhelmed with pharmacy work thanks to going on the bank at The Woodlands. We have a meditation/treatment room having cleared out Steve's old bedroom - and the day after it was ready we got a call from someone who wanted a reading. We have bookings at psychic fairs coming up. I have my four cases plus my life coaching case to submit for my HPD. I have appropriate records for the people I treat both with reiki and hypnotherapy. And on a personal level I have 'Gok'd' myself. I have experimented with hair extensions and Maggie and I went for the makeover and photo shoot on Monday. And I went for some shots nude.

So workwise things are good. In myself I am positive and I have started to lose weight - except I haven't had the guts to step on the scales lately. However someone did ask if I had lost some weight yesterday. Mind you that could be because I have a new bra - I got myself measured and fitted properly and it does make a difference.

I am still not doing any private reiki - and still haven't got the room at the salon. I am still struggling with Paul's golden rules and I am not drinking water or exercising as much as I would like.

I need to set myself goals and write them down - and then keep reviewing how we go.

I want to have my four hypnotherapy cases written up and submitted by the end of September.
I want to lose at least half a stone by Christmas.

My problem is I have so much to do every day. Meditation, blogging, exercise,work. I need to focus on time management. I have already cut out a lot of the FB games I used to play. They just wasted time. I am making better use of my mornings already by not spending much time on FB. That has given me time to meditate and use the wii fit. I need to make better use of my after work time now - and my weekends. Especially the mornings when Tony is in bed. I can do a LOT then.

And yes I included blogging in the list because I know I need to blog to keep focus on what I am doing.

Watch this space to see how I do