Why?

Why haven't I posted for nearly a week?

I am not sure who I am writing for - me or a probably non-existent audience
I haven't had anything to report
I am ashamed of the fact that I don't have any major progress to report in anything.

I certainly don't have any weight loss to report - but then that is partly because I am too scared to step on the scales/ do a body test

In other words things are stagnating. But I have realised this morning that may be because I am stagnating spiritually

I have just realised the title I picked for this post (and I honestly didn't think about it) is the most profound spiritual question depending on the word(s) put after after it.

I need to think carefully about the words I am putting after it at the moment

Changing minds

The key to success and failure in almost anything is the mindset in which you approach it. I have thankfully developed a lot more positive mind set recently but this morning I have realised I still have a problem.

Today I have the first of my bookings at the Spire hospital. Its only half a day 1.00 until 5.00 this afternoon. And part of my mind is thinking 'Woohoo something close to normality!!!'

Until I adjust to the fact that I am probably not going to have a regular 9-5 job again EVER I am still going to have problems with food. I have relied on work physically removing me from the chance to eat. Then there is the self esteem issue -which still lurks in the background.

At least having identified this I can try to sort it out.

I ave been to the park this morning. I was out for 25 minutes and 10 minutes of that was jogging - very slow jogging but I did manage to jog all the way round the lake. And it was a huge effort.

I am intending to get my TMA started this morning. I only have a week to get it in. I also need to concentrate on my spiritual exercises so I do have plenty to do before I go to the hospital.

But for now I am sitting here thinking I am hungry - so its time for breakfast.

When you are hungry EAT

Eat what your REALLY want

Eat it SLOWLY

Stop BEFORE you are full

If I follow those rules when I am not at work I will lose weight.

Mind over matter

One thing I have become very aware of over the last few years is the amazing power of the mind. Positive thoughts, visualizing success, belief in yourself..........it all comes down to mind over matter.

This morning I went to the park - in shorts and my pink Race for Life T shirt for whihc I dont think the world was ready - and I started running almost as soon as I left the house. I had two things fixed in my mind. The fact that I have jogged for 30 minutes using the Wii fit and Jack Sh*ts amusing tale about the first day he was supposed to run for 28 minutes.

With those two things in my mind I managed to run to the park, to the lake and round the lake .........TWICE. I ran for 15 minutes. The distance was just under 2K.

Mind over matter kept me going.

An inspiration

http://newme-freshstart.blogspot.com/2010/05/i-am-not-mia-just-pondering.html

I do hope the above link works - I'm not really that good with techy internet type stuff. This blog contains a You tube video that really spoke to me.

I would like to say a huge 'thank you' to New Me (aka Wendy) for posting this video which has suddenly reminded me that my quest for health can be successful even if I don't lose as much weight as the actuary tables would like me to.

Cancel Clear delete

'Action is the only way anything ever gets done. Sitting around and waiting for life to happen to you will only guarantee one thing: that you're not going to end up with a life you love.'

The above quote if from Sparkpeople - and on a day when I have taken action towards getting some sort of work, it makes me feel quite good about myself.

Yesterday I did well with exercise. I did another 20 minutes wii fit jogging.

Food is still a big issue. I am not sticking to Paul's golden rules - but I am eating fairly healthily.

One of my oracle cards today was 'Cancel Clear Delete' The explanation in the book is that this indicates I need to keep my thoughts and words positive. If negativity does creep in then suggested action is to 'dry wash' my hands to clear the negativity away while saying 'Cancel Clear delete' to 'reboot' my positivity.

I do think it is significant I got this card today - and it is the first time I have ever picked it - to remind me now I am in a more positive mindset I need to stay that way.

Another card I got was simply 'Business' Since I had already decided what actions to take to increase my chances of getting reiki patients it felt like confirmation I was on the right track.

It does all feel as if suddenly things are going my way. And that does help me do better with Paul's rules

When you are hungry eat - I do that

Eat what you really want not what you think you should eat. Normally that is OK

Eat slowly - I am struggling with that but still eating alower than I used to

Stop before you are full - that is the biggest porblem. I must end my membership of the 'clean plate' club

I will 'cancel clear delete' my food issues eventually

Good vibrations

After my mental spring clean yesterday I had a very interesting experience when I made my daily picks from our collection or oracle cards. Including one that when I read the interpretation in the book used the words 'Acknowledge your ever expanding waistline and work out what is eating you'

My waistline isn't really expanding - but it isn't reducing either. But getting that card was one of a number of very pertinent messages I got from the cards yesterday. Including a clear message that what I started doing yesterday was right.

Having identified my mistakes - and I hope worked out how to correct them, Iwant to put down on paper (well you know what I mean!) what I see as the main issues I need to tackle,

I need to tackle my self esteem problem. I wont get anywhere until I do

I need to focus on the Race for Life to keep me exercising

I need to do one thing every day towards one of my major goals. That could be getting myself set up with a reiki business, or sorting out the house/garden, or OU .

Having galvanised myself into a positive frame of mind, I sort of got a reward from the universe yesterday. I got a call from an agency saying Solihul hospital was after a locum. I have said yes I would like to be put forward. It is the first realistic and most commutable offer of pharmacy work I have had for over 2 months. I am trying not to get my hopes up too much - but this does ave a good feel and could be my lucky break.

Exercise went well yesterday. I went to the park although I didn't jog as much as I intended. But later on I did 20 minutes wii fit jogging. I covered nearly 4 'virtual' km in 20 minutes. Jogging is harder in the real world - especially on the calves. I also think when I am jogging outside I am very conscious of the fact that I still have to get home. On the wii fit my chair is just behind me. But the 20 minutes shows I have the stamina to keep going. I am hopeful I will be able to jog enough on the day to do at least half the distance jogging and complete the distance in under 45 minutes.

I think I may have a change and go swimming today. Boredom is the death of many exercise/diet plans.

My biscuit consumption was down yesterday and my water consumption is going up. I am sitting here now thinking I am not hungry, but I am thirsty so I will be having some more water in a bit - and wont be having any breakfast yet.

Something feels as if it is working for me again.

Learning from my mistakes

I have made so many mistakes since the beginning of April. I really need to learn from those mistakes.

Mistake 1

When my regular work came to an end my first thought was 'I am no longer standing/walking for five hours a day. How am I going to burn those calories another way' I never gave any thought to the possible mental problems lack of work would cause me.

Mistake 2

When I realised I needed to set myself goals to get some organisation and structure back into my life I felt I had to be doing 'proper' things (OU work, stuff for the reiki business etc) by 9.00 am to try and do a proper working day.

Mistake 3

I stopped listening to my body - which was telling me all sorts of things about needing more sleep, needing more water etc

Mistake 4

I wrongly put my spiritual time into the category of .non essential' so it needed to be done BEFORE 9.00.


The result of all these mistakes was that I became very tired, very depressed, felt I was a failure, wasn't able to focus an anything.

Why did I make those mistakes? One very simple reason really. I totally failed to recognise the massive loss of self esteem caused by not having regular work. I know I did blog about that at one point - but even as I was blogging about it I felt wimpish for feeling like that.

Over the past few days I have given up on the idea of a 9.00 start to 'work' I am making an effort to make LOTS of time for my meditations. When the alarm goes off at 6.30 I am turning it off and staying in bed. I get up when I properly wake up again - usually about 7.30.

And I feel much better much more relaxed and much happier.

I really don't have timetables to work to - apart from my OU work. I was putting unrealistic pressure on myself to get things done - then feeling bad when I couldn't live up to my own unrealistic expectations.

So from now on my motto is 'get real'

I need to realise a lot of things

The world will not fall apart if I take the time I have been given to relax and enjoy myself.

I can go to the park after 8.00 or 8.30 or even 9.

Meditation is not a luxury - it is an important part of my mental/spiritual support system

I am still useful even if no-one is paying me to do things

I have repeatedly pulled the Ear Chakras card from one of our oracle decks. It tells me to listen to things going on around me. I think -no I KNOW - one of the things I need to listen to is what my body is telling me.

OK so now I need to make some more realistic aims - and remind myself I am still on track to fulfill all my new year resolutions!

That will give me something to think about today - maybe even the focus of my meditation

I can do this

I have wondered about deleting the last few entries in this blog - bit have decided I need to keep them in. I need a reminder of how low I got so in future I will have a better perspective

I have not been adjusting well to this change in my life - unemployment - because it was never something I visualized. I have also been gradually realising that my vision of my future (2 or 3 days a week in community pharmacy and 1 or 2 days a week as a reiki practitioner)isn't going to happen unless I put some effort into getting the skills I need. That is the reality the rejection by Asda has shown me.

But I had doubts about the Asda situation -and that probably contributed to what happened.

I made mistakes - and I need to learn from them.

I have called this entry 'I can do this' What is 'this'

This is a number of things

get some pharmacy work
get some reiki work
keep exercising
get better control over my food
lose weight

Yet again Spatkpeopel pritn the right thing at the right time

Overcoming obstacles one at a time

Your goals may not come easy. There is no accomplishment without work, and no "win" without something to beat. It's easy to get discouraged when roadblocks appear--in fact, it's only natural. You've invested time and emotion into creating the perfect plan, and then something has to come along and muck it all up. Sometimes, though, all you have to do to beat that barrier is to get back up and move forward again. Obstacles are like the Wizard behind the curtain--they're a lot less intimidating once you see them up close. Next time you take a step back, don't let guilt pile it on top of your previous "stumbles." Just take two steps forward and you're still farther along than you were before. It doesn't matter how many walls you face. You only have to get the better of that last one.

Out of the pit

When I was depressed - and I mean REALLY depressed on anti-depressants - I felt as if I was on a pit and trying to climb out. It is a common enough analogy - not that clever. I have been in a pit for the past few days and I think I finally worked out why.

If I still have any readers left I apologise for the incredibly self pitying tone of this blog recently. I have now got myself into a much more positive frame of mind and can see that both my life and me are really both doing quite well.

Sometimes you need to go down into the depths to learn the lesson that takes you out of the other side of the pit so you go onwards and upwards. I truly believe that has happened over the past really black and bleak days

I have often spoken in this blog about the importance of knowing yourself and being true to yourself. I have learned some important things about myself as a result of this bleak episode.

I just hope I can build on that and get myself back on track with my health and fitness journey

No more dilemma

I didn't get the job.I feel simultaneously relieved and deflated.

I am back to feeling totally crap about myself. I am looking at what I have tried to do over the past few weeks - and I can't see a single success.I am sitting here, watching an item on the tv about eating disorders, and thinking 'I have an eating disorder - I am a fat cow because I am greedy'

I want to curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out.

I really hate myself at the moment. This blog is the only place I can really let these feelings out.

I can't think of a plan to get myself out of this horrible place. All I can think of is that everyone round me is talented in some way - and I don't seem to be able to do anything right. I can't even get a job in the profession I have been in for over 30 years.

I feel unwanted, unvalued, unloved, and unnecessary. I also feel incredibly wimpish and self pitying.

I hadn't realised how much I relied on affirmation from others to make myself feel worthwhile. I don't have anyone giving me that affirmation at the moment.My plan to sort that out seems to have failed miserably.

Nothing is working and I don't know what to do

work dilemma

I went for the interview at Burton yesterday. I am not sure it went well enough for me to offered a job there. But I am still nor sure if I want a job there. The traveling would be a problem, and I still have reservations about the whole corporate conglomerate identity of Asda. Plus I am not sure how I would do with the business aspect of the job there. The pharmacy and team work side would be a breeze.

But this morning I got an unexpected booking from Little Aston for an additional half day of work they need me for.

Is that a sign that I will get more work from the group and dont NEED the security of the regular work from Asda?

In a way I am hoping Asda don't offer me a job - it would relieve me of the dilemma. But I cluld sort out all the issues I have with Asda - even the traveling could be sorted if I went by train - more expensive but less tiring.

I need to make sure I am sure what I will say if I DO get a job offer from Burton. I need to go an consult my crystal ball!

Appropriate reflection from Sparkpeople

Are you afraid to try or are you afraid to fail?

A well-lived life is not for the timid. The world was never meant to be approached with extra caution and fear of making mistakes. Kids know that you have to jump in feet first and be willing to take some lumps on the head if you're going to have any fun. When did we stop trying new things? Why did we stop taking risks? In large part, we're afraid of messing up. We've settled into our comfort zones and don't want to look like a fool to ourselves or others. What's the price we pay for our pursuit of perfection? No growth, no sense of discovery, few real experiences. The sacrifice isn't worth it. Are there points in your life that you wish you could have back because you didn't pursue an idea or a new interest? Those chances are gone forever--but you'll have more in the future to take full advantage of. It's been said that most people don't learn much that's new past their 20s. That's an awful long time to stay stagnant. The only mistake you should be afraid to make is not trying.

On the day I have an interview for a job that has lots of potential - but also lots of problems - I am afraid of messing things up. Either I will fluff the interview, or they will offer me a job and I will turn it down when I should be brave and take it.

I am going to really try hard on this today

Inspiration from Sparkpeople

Living according to your true values

The best intentions matter little if your daily life doesn't reflect those values. How can you make sure that your thoughts and actions match? Good or bad, your values are shaped by your actions just as much as they do the shaping. Actions that are true to your values build a stronger personal foundation that others can see. Why are the memories of our greatest personal and public heroes so powerful and timeless, long after they're gone? They stood for something. They were living, breathing examples of the values they prized. It takes courage, a belief in yourself and strong determination. But it can be done. Do one thing today that shows the world what you believe. Do one thing that you know is right. Do one thing that would make your hero smile.


This is what I call 'pure McKenna' This sort of thinking is one of the ideas that CYLI7D promotes. The idea that you must be true to yourself in your day to day life.

I haven't been giving myself credit for the fact that I am trying harder than ever to live and work in accordance my beliefs

Looking for inspiration

I don't feel well at the moment. I also feel very fat and I know I am not doing well with food and exercise at the moment.

I have an interview tomorrow for a job I am not sure I want.

I am not making much progress with anything at the moment.

To be honest the lack of blog posts says it all. I haven't had anything to blog about.

I still have a perfect record on the wii fit - nearly 6 months without missing a single day.

I went to he park on Monday and managed to jog from the entrance to the lake, round the lake and all the way back to the entrance. Next time I go I want to try and jog from the corner of the road that leads to the park.

I did also manage to get the desk top publisher programme to produce something that looked vaguely OK yesterday. Maybe I am doing a bit better than I think.

But sitting around feeling sorry for myself isn't going to get me anywhere. I need a plan for today.

Normal service will be resumed...........

I had a fascinating weekend - but very little sleep - due to a paranormal investigation that lasted from 9.00 Saturday night until past 5.00 Sunday morning - and then I had to drive home. So I got in time to feed the cats before I went to bed

Food was a disaster, but being up all night must have given me some exercise.

But my bad food habits and choices carried over into yesterday.

This morning I feel tired and sluggish and generally totally 'blah' But I have a lot to do both for my interview and towards building up a reiki business.

So I have decided even tho I am not going out to work, I need some discipline and need to designate a time when I will be 'at work' to get things done. So at 9.00 this morning the lap top and TV will go off and I will be 'at work'

Before I start 'work' I want to meditate and get some exercise and have some breakfast so I need to get on with things as it is already 7.30.

Election fever

Well what a night. I dozed with the radio on so I could keep up with the election results. I am knackered now. That's the price you pay for being a political animal I suppose.

I hit my exercise goal,I drank more water and I did OK on eating only when hungry - but the dorito's and dip did come out while we watching TV last night.

Yesterday at Little Aston went OK. I calculated I only need another 67 days work this year on top of the 17 days I already have booked to stay solvent. If I do OK at Little Aston the buisness manager may well be happy to put me in touch with other hospitals in the group. So that may give me enough work.

Yesterday I crossed a small rubicon. I got a call from an agency telling me that Selly Oak want a locum and would I be interested. On reflex I said yes - but with a bit of a sigh. Later I got an e-mail asking me to send a certificated copy of my passport and CRB check to them as my CV cannot be submitted without it. I decided I didnt want or NEED the hasle that involves. So I replied saying I didnt think it was worth it because if Selly Oak REALLY wanted me back as a locum they have had ample opportunity to. So I told them NOT to submit my CV. That may lead to an interesting email from the agency. I dont need or WANT full time work.

That is especially true as Fosters have given me permission to advertise my reiki services to their residents.

So today I need to get a poster and some leaflets sorted out on the desk top publisher.

I think my goals for today are going to be work orientated. After so little sleep the idea of jogging fills me with horror. But I will do some walking. I need to go to Northfield to sort out my portfolio for Thursday. I also need a new outfit - or at least a new top - and maybe some shoes. So I think sorting out my portfolio and getting ready for the interview is a priority. If I get that job I don't need the agencies to find me any work and I will have the time to develop my reiki.

Day 4 - beginiing to gain momentum

I really do think my new goal orientated approach is making a difference. I feel so much better in myself now I regularly have a reason to pat myself on the back.

I met yesterdays goals OK. I did my 10 minutes of jogging, on top of 2 hours of leaflet delivery. The really good thing is my back seems to be relatively happy.

My food choices were reasonable but the major achievement is I didn't have ANY biscuits!!

Having added meditation to my goals I ended up changing my plan for the day to a much more sensible one that didnt have me aking 2 trips to drop leaflets. I meditated and it was very helpful.

I noticed yesterday I wasn't feeling as hungry as I ad been. I have also noriced I am eating slower.

Today I am out at the the private hospital to learn about their systems. Sadly it is unpaid but I am hopeful it will pay dividends

I am unsure how long I will be at work so I dont ave nay idea how much free time I am going to have. So my goals today are slightly tricky.

I think the safest thing is to keep it simple and aim for 10 minutes wii fit jogging, and only when eating when I am hungry. But today would be a good day to add in drinking water. I haven't been drinking enough lately.

Day 3

I did 20 minutes free jogging on the wii fit ,after at least 90 minutes - and probably closer to 2 hours so I hit that goal.

I am still struggling with emotional eating at the moment. But I am thinking before I eat, and I am not eating unless I am hungry. I think some of the 'hunger' I feel isnt real tho. But my biscuit consumption IS down. And I do feel more confident and positive.

We went to a psychic fair last night and both ad readings.Mine certainly gave me food for thought - but also a boost as the message was clear I am on the right path - but interestingly may move on from reiki to something else.

OK my goals for today are at least 10 minutes jogging, only eat when I am genuinely hungry, to make healthier food choices and to meditate. I need to deal with my mental and spiritual health as well as physical health

Day 2 of a new approach

So did I hit my goals for yesterday? Well sort of.

I didn't jog round the lake - in fact I didn't go to the park at all BUT I DID do 10 minutes free jogging on the wii fit followed by 20 minutes free stepping. So this means I not only hits the 30 minutes exercise target tat I have had for a while but I did the continuous jogging I want to do on the Race for Life. So I did do what I set out to do which was a longish spell of continuous jogging.

And as for the eating. Well my diet wasn't the healthiest but at no point did I eat anything just for the sake of eating. I was helped by the Monday game being brilliant and really enjoyable thanks to two new players we have found. Because I am concentrating on whether I am really hungry, I have also noticed I am slowing down my eating too. So I think I can say I did what I set out to do yesterday.

I also sorted out the paperwork for the Natural Health Fair, and registered a domain name for the websits.

Steve was able to find the missing OU file on the pc - so I have been able to read the detailed comments on my essay. I am a bit down about that - and to be honest not really looking forward to the conversation with my tutor today but I am also determined to do better on TMA02.

So what are my specific goals for today?

I am delivering a load of leaflets today, so I will be walking for at least an hour I imagine. We also have visitors this afternoon and are going out tonight. Going to the park will not be possible. But I will do 10 minutes free jogging.

My food goal is the same as yesterday. To only eat when I am hungry.

Have I found the way out? Day 1 of a new approach

I am not going to repeat here all the events of yesterday. They are in my psychic journey blog. But yesterday I went to he park for the first time in days and managed to jog - very slowly - from the entrance to the park to the lake and all the way round the lake. I jogged close to 1k.

The difference was the speed. I have realised that is a fabulous object lesson for other areas of my life. I am expecting results from my advertising too fast. I am eating too fast.

I have also realised I currently have no positive feedback from ANYONE or in any area of my life at the moment. When I was working even if it was dire, there would always be something that gave me the signal I was doing a good job and was valued.

So my most urgent task is to find ways I can get positive feedback that I can give to myself.

I think at the moment the easiest way is to use the blog to set myself goals for the day (realistic goals) and review them the following day. I think I need one goal in each key area .

My exercise goal for today is to jog all the way round the lake again.
My food goal for today is to only eat when I am truly hungry.

Learning from the past

I have been re-reading my last few entries trying to find a key to help me break out of where I am at the moment. I think I am the only one reading my blog now - and to be honest its probably as well. It is not pretty reading - but its been honest.

I had a psychic reading the other day in relation to work and the psychic used the word 'stagnation' to describe my current situation. Spot on. But as the blog clearly shows I feel I am stagnating in other areas as well. In fact I am going round in circles.

I was listening to the radio this morning and being Sunday it had a spiritual tone. I can't remember now what triggered the thought but I found myself thinking that I really don't love myself much at the moment. Certainly the conversations I have with myself are not complimentary.

A new report has shown that 'green exercise' in a park, farm, garden etc, especially by water is a great boost especially to self esteem. It has been days since I went to the park. Maybe that is where I need to start?

Something to celebrate?

This came into my in box this morning from the ever reliable Sparkpeople

Finding and celebrating the joy in life

Each day is a new chance to find joy and to dance. If you let it pass or think it useless, the chance is gone and you'll never get it back. When was the last time you played? Or just did something for the sheer fun of it? Joy is not found in the world around you, it's within yourself. You can make your own joy, especially during those dark times when you need to really feel alive again. Fun and play are healthy antidotes to taking life--and ourselves--too seriously. They're proven boosters of immune systems and mental health and make life worth the trouble. So do the twist. Sing in the shower. Learn a magic trick. Watch a cartoon. Challenge some kids to a game. Don't let a single day go to waste.

After yesterdays doom and gloom my FB wish for something 'magical' to happen actually came true. With the result that I feel a lot more positive - realise how much I really DO have to celebrate.

So I do feel I have more control over things now. I think a lot of yesterdays panic was being caused by self doubt about whether I was doing the right things.

I still feel my weight is out of control - or rather food is out of control.I am not sitting here binging on chocolate and crisps but I am eating too many biscuits. And tonight Tony and I are going to have a chill out evening in front of the TV with what I described to him as 'unhealthy food' So we have some Pringles and I bought a couple of Pizza's as an option for dinner. Mind you I can tell I have rejected the idea of a takeaway so that is one unhealthy option out of the way.

I am still exercising. Yesterday I clocked up 23 weeks on the wii fit without missing a single day. OK some days I only clocked 10 minutes - but on a lot of days I have clocked up at least 40 minutes exercise. I may not be doing as well with food as I would like but I have the exercise bit nailed. And that just shows that if you practice something it becomes second nature. You get to what the fabulous Mr McKenna calls the tipping point where it is easier to do something than NOT to do something.

The key to my food is still to eat slower. I am so sure of that. So all I have to do is practice that as hard and eventually it will be second nature. Then I may start to make some progress

I think the main thing is that I have been reminded there is no such thing as a magic wand that can solve my problems. Intellectually I knew that - but for some reason I was looking for that to relieve me of some decision making I think.