Cystitis decided to attack me yesterday. It went wrong almost from the ward go. I put trousers on and quickly realised I was in pain. So reverted to a skirt and tights. The tights came off when I reached the hospital. Luckily it is well heated because it was cold yesterday - and no weather to be wandering outside with bare legs. By 3 it had got to the stage where I was uncomfortable sitting down. At 3.45 I gave up and went home - barelegged walking across the park. So no meal out for me yesterday. A bath worked wonders. This morning I have slight IBS discomfort, very very slight cystitis discomfort and I know I will be fine to go to the hospice. I don't think it is co-incidence that both have flared up at the same time. I am even wondering if there is some more esoteric reason why I have these issues at the moment. I am mentally 'holding on to' something I really need to get rid of?? Anyway I did one imaginary phone call at work in the toilets yesterday, And I have done one this morning as part of my spiritual exercises. There is a good practical reason to practice taking a call like that. I want to sound confident and professional - not give the impression I am falling down with excitement. If I have practiced taking it it will be automatic. OK so where I am with health and fitness? Apart from the above I am OK. Food went OK yesterday - but I have realised I am not drinking enough water. I have managed to slip out of the habit. It won;t be a problem today. I drink a cup of water per patient. That should be 4 today. I am finding work at the Orthopaedic more and more frustrating. The lack of system and process is annoying me more and more. Funnily enough its partly because management won't let pharmacists do their job properly because they will cave in if consultants won't stick to the rules. I do miss the kind of clinical involvement that saw me as part of the team discussing things with the consultant - and having my opinion respected and acknowledged. I do recognise that was also highly patient related if not directly patient facing. I am really looking forward to today at the hospice. I wonder if I will have any new referrals? So what am I setting as my food and drink goals for the day? Well water water and more water for starters. ............................................. My next statement was going to be 'eat when I am hungry' which made me realise I was. So I am having breakfast. Porridge with sharon fruit and honey - and a mug of water on the side. To be honest porridge wasn't my first thought - but then I realised we had 2 more sharon fruit - which I had intended to cancel - in my fruit and beg box. Since I remembered one serving suggestion was mushed up in porridge I thought I'd give it ago. They have to be eaten - and Tony won't try them again.He really disliked them! Its not making my taste buds dance with delight - but its pleasant, Eating what I really want is always a problem when I have to rely on someone else's menu options. Luckily the hospice has good food choices. The hospital much less so. I know I will enjoy my lunch when I have it today. I know one thing I need to try and put into practice a lot more - leaving something on my plate. My big food problem is I am eating when I am NOT hungry. And that is the most important thing I need to tackle.

I have a plan..........

I have decided I need to focus on one aspect of desired wonk. I know generally I want to work as a reiki practitioner and hypnotherapist with some psychic fairs thrown in for good measure. But I need to build up my client list before I can realistically cut down my pharmacy hours, AND look seriously at some nice premises. So I am focussing my attention on one bit of all that. I am focussing on getting a client that I can treat up at Paula Jayne's How am I doing this? Well laugh if you must but I have decided at least once a day - and probably more often I am going to stand in front of a mirror and answer an imaginary phone call on my mobile, from an imaginary client who I will book for an imaginary appointment at the salon. I have done it for the first time this morning. I reckon that gets my intention out there to the universe loud and clear. It is achievable . I feel so amazingly positive now. I am looking forward to the walk across the park. I am going out for a meal tonight with the girls from work and I am confident I'm not going to feel embarrassed by how fast or how much I eat. I have eaten a delicious healthy breakfast. I have a healthyish lunch packed. I didn't have any biscuits yesterday - but there was some wonderful chocolate cake at work - and I did over indulge in that. I suddenly feel in control of things - I know I am the only one responsible for my thoughts and actions. Have I turned some sort of corner here?

Feeling a bit adrift

I am not sure what this blog is about this morning. I think I will just left is develop and see where it takes me. The accountant has filed my accounts Hooray!!! There is still another step to do as HMRC will send me some information I need to send to HIM but then it will be done. And then presumably he WILL send me his bill. How did things go so wrong with this relationship? I lost trust in him when I couldn't contact him at one point - I believe he was ill. And then there was the issue of the file they suddenly couldn't pen less than 24 hours after telling me my accounts had been filed. And there was the issue of his bill. He said he would attach his bill the next time he emailed me - and I then didn't hear anything from him. I know I need to reflect on why it went wrong . Communication is vital in my healing work. This is the classic failed communication and I need to know what I did wrong. I had a good weekend - but it was rather spoiled by a combination of IBS and cystitis discomfort. A rather unpleasant combination. But it didn't stop me relaxing, going to church, and doing some work on my portfolio. It didn't stop us going over to Wolverhampton last night either. The game went on until 11. I didn't get to bed until nearly midnight, and as a result I am bit late up this morning. It was gone 7 when I woke up. Thank goodness I am back to a 10.00 start. I have had time to meditate this morning - and of course to make this blog entry. Why am I feeling adrift? I am not sure. After the high of Wednesday - its all been rather downbeat I suppose - not helped by the accountant issue of course. A couple of my friends have had amazing results with asking the universe for things and getting them. I am pleased for them - but very jealous. If they can get things why can't I? But lets be fair I haven't really tried to do what they have done -but they had clear ideas of what they wanted. I don't. I don't have a direction so I AM drifting. Now thats odd because I do know clearly what I want to end up doing - but I don't have a concrete plan for how to get there. I have realised since I qualified as a hypnotherapist, I have been trying to favour that over reiki. But all the patients at the hospice I have tried it on, I now think will respond better to reiki. Why don't I trust reiki? I had the thought this morning that my scientific side is too dominant. I know I need science and spirituality to be in balance to progress. I need to get back to spirituality - back to reiki. Maybe thats why I ended up in church yesterday morning. I have done my spiritual exercise this morning - but it really has been some time since I did a proper meditation. OK so where does this leave me? I have been focussing on getting hypnotherapy clients - which needs me to take rooms at Kings Heath. I already have a place to do reiki. I am going to focus on getting a client I treat up at the salon. So I feel better for having worked out what my next step needs to be. Both IBS and cystitis are grumbling along this morning.I feel tired - but quite ready to cope with a day at the hospital. I haven't eaten yet but I am a bit hungry - but I need to get a move on as I have less than an hour to eat and get ready to go out. I have packed my lunch (home made soup) . I am thinking about using the technique I was taught at the Paul McKenna day to help me chose my breakfast so I pick what my body really needs. I am looking forward to the walk through the park. I am doing as well as I can be I think.

So this morning I am slightly less tired than yesterday - but my sleep was very disturb due to a fair bit of discomfort from my cystitisy thing. This makes decisions about what to where very difficult. I can't go bare legged its too cold so that means I either have to wear tights or trousers both of which will make the problem worse. If I could stay home I could wear a long skirt - but that isn't practical for work. Today it will have to be trousers - but I am not looking forward to putting them on and walking around in them. Another stress issue is I had a bill from HMRC for a 100.00 fine because my 09/10 accounts haven't been filed. Thanks to lousy communication with the accountant I didn't understand why he was still asking for information when as far as I was concerned 09/10 accounts were done and dusted and I had a new accountant. Anyway I have sent him a LONG email this morning so hopefully it will be sorted out and then I can forget all about it - and him. I must say the relationship with him has made me think about communication a lot - and the importance of rapport. We had no rapport - I felt he didn't listen to me and it made me distrust him. Maybe I have a metaphor to use in my hypnotherapy........ I don't know yet if I will try to get HIM to pay the fine - and pay it myself and chalk it up to experience. After all communication is a 2 way thing - and maybe I didn't listen hard enough to him??? I really enjoyed - and needed - an afternoon off yesterday. But today I am feeling fit for work - and am going swimming with Maggie afterwards. I should also be meeting Helen for lunch so I have a lot to look forward to.

I feel much MORE tired this morning than I did yesterday - having had a very bad nights sleep for some reason. But I am still very upbeat after an AMAZING afternoon at the hospice - and a very good evening. The morning wasn't bad either as I got most of the christmas shopping sorted. The pamper day at the hospice was SUCH an affirmation for me that I am the right path. My first patient was Dave whose first question was 'Is this based on a religion because I'm a christian and I don't want something that is against my religion. I said it (and I) were spiritual, pointed out my cross, said the other reiki healer was a very devout christian. I did say some factions within the church DO disapprove of reiki, but that reiki healers were welcome at the Raphael Guild which is part of the church of england. Ge deiced to give it a go and at the end his first comment was 'wow' He REALLY enjoyed it and obviously got some benefit from it. Then I treated Margaret's friend Heather - who has health problems of her own and she ALSO really enjoyed it. I also treated Margaret and we have agreed she will have more reiki from me - which was exactly what I wanted to do with her anyway. She kept saying how she could feel heat in her neck (she has swallowing problems) I also treated a lady called Julie who really enjoyed her treatment but during the pre treatment chat admitted to an alcohol problem. I am hoping both Heather and Julie can get referred for further treatment as carers. Margaret gave me the most wonderful moment tho. She said that of all the people she sees at the hospice I am the one she she feels has done most for her, and I am the one she trusts most. I have managed to draw stuff out of her that others haven't. It just shows I should have taken more notice of the fact she kept coming back even tho I felt the sessions hadn't gone as I thought they should have. Nicky bumped into me after my second session with her and said she thought I had been really helping her - and I was sceptical. And I have realised if someone is having reiki, I can maybe still talk to them with a few positive suggestions. The game last night was MUCH better than the old Monday game. Keeping Rob out was a good idea sad as it sounds. Tony enjoyed running it, Paul Mark and Richard (and I) enjoyed the game, and I a looking forward to maybe RUNNING a game. The downside is Mark will also want to run a game - but he may be better without Rob in the group. So I sit here feeling tired, bloated, and having cancelled my visit to Maura this afternoon, but still full of ideas. I have part 2 of my core training this morning so another trip to solihull, then home via the supermarket to relax - and do some more on my portfolio. I feel in control - and when I feel like that I seem to be in control of everything - including food. Although to be fair I had to grab whatever was available at the time during the day yesterday - and that meant biscuits and cake. But It was what I really fancied - and I did eat them sowly and REALLY enjoyed them. Ditto dinner whihc was ravioli and baked potato. This morning I haven't eaten - and won't have time to before I go out. But I am taking healthy finger food with me.

I feel tired - but strangely upbeat this morning. Despite my niggling health issues, the continuing flare up of my IBS into 'shut down' mode, feeling the size of a bloated whale , the on going issues with my bladder, and some rather disturbing dreams, I feel in control of things. I have done at least an hours work on my portfolio in the evening after work on Monday and Tuesday and I feel I am making real progress with it. I have even sorted out psychodynamic, humanistic and cognitive behavioural approaches. I am finding two books I bought recently SO helpful. Magic and Practice and Wordweaving. I know as I learn and understand more from the work I am doing, I learn more about me. I have also realised I still have a LOT to learn about communication with patients and writing a good script. But I feel challenged and uplifted. I must be doing something right I also have plans to go swimming. I am going to meet Maggie on Friday. It will be good to get back into that routine - although with Northfield baths closed it will mean more traveling for me. Today we also have a game at out house. The Monday game is being re-vamped and re-shaped. Funnily enough the one exclusion has been Rob - who is a much better roleplayer. But I feel more relaxed about the game with Mark , Paul and Richard as the other gamers and NO Rob. I know Tony is looking forward to running a game again. And this is a group I can run for as well. The game at wolverhampton is great - but Wolf does ALL the dm'ing. This morning I have to go to Sheldon yo get my smartcard for the hospice PAS system - and then this afternoon is a pamper day at the hospice. I also intend to fit in some Xmas shopping in Mell square - and maybe some ordinary shopping as well. So I have the prospect of a good day ahead.

Work was OK yesterday. Despite having no technicians available to go on the wards, I lucked out because ward 1 only had about 8 patients. Someone was looking after me! I wonder if its any coincidence that I was drawn to my Archangel Michael deck this morning and pulled a card all about protection? And genuinely that thought only came to me as I started typing. My IBS is still in full on static mode. This doesn't help anything. I did some self healing this morning and I am hoping that will help things resolve. I did some work on my portfolio last night as well as finishing the script I need to record for one of my patients at the hospice. In fact I spent nearly 2 hours that I would previously have just wasted being productive. This has got to be hood. AND I managed to cook a proper tea with real vegetables. I am optimistic I will manage the same tonight as well. Things seem to be improving in my mind. I am currently reading a wonderful book called wordweaving which is all about how to construct the best script to help your client. It examines how clients think, and inevitably gets you thinking about how YOU think .Its useful self development as well as CPD. I was marginally disturbed by a bizarre incident yesterday when Sandy - who I always thought was a nice friendly person played a track on her iPod she said made her think of me. It was an awful sickly sweet thing. I can't as yet work out if it was meant a joke, if Sandy has a nasty side to her or if that really is the image I project. I can't ask her about it - unless she decides to mention it again. But it has disturbed enough that I am sure there is some message for me. I just need to work it out.

AAARRGGGHHHHH

The title kind of sums it up. I am sitting here this morning, feeling heavy and lethargic after an evening of bingeing last night.It doesn't help that my IBS is swinging round into a 'bunged up' phase. So this morning I feel hungry and bloated at the same time, and I have dosed myself with some Movicol. This is NOT a good start to a week, and made worse by Maggie telling me she has put on 5lbs over the last 5 weeks. I KNOW Maggie has her strategy wrong - but really I am not sure mine is any better. However on the plus side, my card pick this morning was 'Ask' and the text was all about how the angels cannot help us unless we do ask because we have free will. So in my meditation I asked for some insight into why I keep blocking my efforts to get healthy. My actual question was 'Why am I scared' to be healthy?' Immediately the thoughts that came to my mind were of work at the Orthopedic. The insight I got was that being unhealthy gives me excuse NOT to work all the hours they want. If I saw myself as 'fully fit' what reason could I give them for my 10-4 hours on a maximum of 3 days a week. I need to sort out what is cause and effect here. Is work at the ROH making my unhealthy because I am fundamentally 'unhealthy'? Or is that my defense so I don't have to work there more than I do? I found myself thinking that I need to take more positive steps to getting my hypnotherapy and reiki set up . Its getting the balance right being being active and sitting at home relaxing. There is also a psychological aspect. I believe a lot more in hypnotherapy and reiki than in my work as a pharmacist. Somehow I need to get my subconscious to understand that I can do more than I do at the moment, as long as its focussed on my new clients. Claire is going to give me some hypnotherapy on the 6th. I think I need some regression and I think it could be VERY enlightening. Because I do still need to find out why I cannot see myself as anything but 'fat' I do try to be consistent in my goals for getting healthy. I have always tried to see it as a journey to health, rather than journey to be thinner. But there is no doubt being thinner would a major boost. And losing weight IS a major boost to health. So clearly if I want to be unhealthy on one level, keeping myself fat is a great way to achieve that. Oh what complex things we humans are!!

Yesterday was good. 5 raiki treatments - and one session with a lady who just likes to talk - so I let her while trying to get some relaxation exercises. This morning I am tired - for some reason I slept badly. But ready for another session at the hospital. I am taking some of my cards with me - just in case. Food has been okayish. Some mince pies found their way home with me from shopping. They were on BOGOF offer so one pack has gone in the freezer. Out of a pack of 4 I had one - and had no desire to eat another one. I drank LOADS of water yesterday - I always do at the hospice - partly because it is easily available. But I feel a strange sense of relief that I don't have any appointments next week as its a pamper day. I wonder why I feel like that? I do find the work at the hospice tiring. I wonder if there is a message for me there? Its the drive probably. WHY do I find driving so tiring now? Its less than 20 miles - about 30 minutes drive. It should be EASY. Maybe Claire can help me sort out what's going on with that I am so looking forward to tomorrow and not working. I have things to do - taking Steve to his interview for one thing - but NO WORK and a ghost hunt in the evening. AND Tony and I have permission to take our cards and do readings. So we may well actually make a profit on the evening!! My appointment for the ultrasound on my bladder and kidneys came through yesterday - December 5th. I hadn't had any cystitis type feelings for several days - but as if on cue they were back last night - that could be one reason why I didn't sleep well I suppose. They didn't last long though so it can't have been all due to that. I am determined to have my Christmas presents and cards sorted by December 1st. Luckily I will have some shopping time next Wednesday - and maybe Thursday as well. I seem to rambling about nothing this morning - but I guess this is helping me focus on something - darned if I know what though.

Its just as well I can accept that my life is in a period of change - because after yesterday at work if this was my long term prospect for work I would be climbing the walls. It was horrible, really busy even with Pritti and another locum in (Emmeline is on leave till December). Poor communication and poor management just make things worse - and they are going to lose both their really good medicines management technicians because they are so fed up. Luckily for the 16.5 hours a week I am expected to be there I can just keep my head down and get on with my job as best I can. But it is giving me a spur to get another day when I cannot work for them because I am doing hypnotherapy and/or reiki. But I would like to try and some way to improve things at ROH if I could. I have the experience to be able to manage things better myself if I WAS in charge. Maybe I can drop a few ideas in the right ears. I managed the walk, and the walking round OK yesterday. Food was OK . I still don't feel I making massive strides towards a fabulously healthy food intake - but I am enjoying my food and I am not eating crisps or chocolate. I don't MISS crisps or chocolate . But I did enjoy the chocolate cookies we had yesterday evening. We have some sausage rolls in the fridge left over from our ghost hunting picnic. The old me would have HAD to have had one yesterday - maybe taken on in for lunch. But I am happy to leave them there until I think 'mmmmm I fancy one of those' The pre Paul McKenna me would NOT have thought like that . The days when I would go and buy a chocolate bar or 2 to sustain me on the way home have LONG gone - as have the days of my lunch being an sandwich, a sausage roll and a muffin washed down with hot chocolate. Looked at like that I have made HUGE progress over 3 years.

I found myself thinking last night about this blog and what it is for.I found myself wondering should I use this blog to help me set goals, or should I use it record simply what happens? Should I use it to keep myself honest about my progress towards my goals. Am I using this blog in the best way I can? Is it helping me? I started it to help me record how - or whether - I coped with everything that was going on in my life at the time - which was a lot in the year we christened two thousand and hate. At that point I imagined a time when life would be settled again - but that hasn't happened. I no longer have a regular routine of work, and I am still working very actively towards a very different type of work than I could ever have imagined 3 years ago. Why are these thoughts coming now? Because today I start back at ROH, for a much more acceptable 3 days a week with a 10.00 am start. It SHOULD be an indication of some stability returning to life - and in a way it is. But I can't plan around this being my routine until I want it to change. I have all the time been waiting for life to return to 'normal' But I don't think its ever going to do that. It can't because 'normal' now encompasses psychic fairs at evenings and weekend, ghost hunts , and reiki/hypnotherapy given when clients are available - which is mainly at weekends and evening. I need to think had about why I pulled out of the activities I had planned on Thursday and Friday last week and what that MUST mean for future decisions. But I can't use the excuse of life being up and down for me to avoid my food and exercise issues. Going back to ROH does help me with exercise. I will be walking to and from work .........3 days a week. That still leaves 4 days when I need to get myself organised. Sharon hasn't blogged about her weight issues for some time. But yesterday she turned 40 - and blogged about her battles with her weiight and how dieting hadn't worked for her. She feels she did best when she was doign intuitive eating - which is what Paul McKenna strongly advocates. She has stated she is determined to put the scales away and not be ruled by them. She is determined to stop counting calories or points or anything else. O know that is a good approach for her. I need to take it as a reminder that its the approach I have been trying to take. In fact how strange that we have BOTH been prompted to recall our battles and have an impetus to make a new resolution. Sharon - I am right there with you girl - as you are here for me. As for this blog - well this entry shows what it is best at - helping me sort my thoughts out.

What an amazing day I had yesterday. At the hospice I did 3 reiiki treatments 1 hypnotherapy - and one session where I just chatted really. Then I did two more private hypnotherapy sessions. I had to cope with 4 abreactions in total . One of these came after a reiki session. I was getting the strong feeling I needed to only give a short session to reduce the risk of a healing reaction. Just as I 'sealed' her reiki blanket at the end, she burst into tears. I got back home really tired - but feeling I had really done some good. In fact Nick Food was tricky yesterday. I ended up with appointments at 11,12,1, and 2 yesterday. Lunchbreak?? Well there wasn't one (I've sorted that out for next week by moving the two afternoon patients two 1.30 and 2.30) I managed to get 10 minutes to eat a jacket potato with tuna. Eat slowly? Ha!! don;t make me laugh. I then didn't get to eat again until I got home about 7.30. I had soup and toast, but then did snack (mainly healthy snacks tho) on fruit, the stuff in the graze box, but my final snack WAS cheese and biscuits. I am very tired today - mainyl due to 3 days travel to Solihull and back. I am meant to be going over again today and tomorrow. Today to give some healing at SIMTR for a cancer support group meeting in the evening, and tomorrow for another computer course - plus getting my system one smartcard sorted out. I am NOT going tonight, and to be honest may not go tomorrow either. Drakelow is more important to me than the hospice. Not sure what that says about me tho. I had to turn down 3 requests for me to do pharmacy work as well. Little Aston need emergency cover today and Friday, and ROH wanted me to work Saturday. I have said no to all 3. And I don't feel at all guilty. As well as having the wedding sorted out, my holiday with Steve in January is confirmed. a week at Trenython Manor. We will both just CHILL, and I intend to keep driving to a minimum. I will probably terat myself to some of the tours they organise. Eden Project here I come!!! As its self catering I wont be faced with a huge bill for eating out all the time. Steve will just chill , swim and use the gym - but I bet we go on some expeditions together. Anyway Having had a very lazy start to the morning, I must get going. My plan is to do soem serious work on my portfolio today - and I must get going on it

Yesterday morning I did a card pick for myself from Angel Therapy - and got Solar Plexus Chakra. the message on the card are 'It is OK to be powerful and take control of your life. I thought 'Wow' because it really fitted with the tone of yesterdays blog entry. I am trying to get control of things.

So I am delighted to say that after 3 frustrating attempts to get through to them, I managed to make the arrangements for us to take our documents (1.45 Feb 6th) in to the Registry Office and the wedding is pencilled in for 2.50 pm on Thursday 1st March 2012.

Then when I got home I discovered I'd already had a potential client as a result of the cards I left at the surgery - maybe 2. Tony spoke to them and its a mother and daughter ( weight loss???) and said I would ring them back. Down side is I have tried to but no-one answered. It was a mobile so I left a text as it didn't go to voicemail.

Like how cool is THAT to happen on the day I decided to take control? How cool is it that I got the message it is SAFE for me to take control?

Dinner last night was a DISASTER. I didn't enjoy it at all - and in fact I only ate half of it - if that. I tried to make creamed cabbage - and it went wrong. But I am already p[anning how to rescue it by making bubble and squeak . But art of the reason I didn't enjoy it was because I did quickly feel full. That is a GOOD sign

I drank water again yesterday. I was on another course for the hospice - and again every cup of coffee (bar one) was accompanied by water. And in the mornings my coffee is now always followed by water. So I am making progress on the small things. I need to make progress on the larger ones like food choices and mindful eating.

I know there is something in my mind that is scared to lose weight and be healthy and that is why I am not making the progress I want.

I need some mind /life laundry and I think I will ask Claire to help me.

Gosh four days since I last posted. Its almost taken me that long to get over the hunt on Friday night - which was a-ma-zing!! But life has been a bit up and down since then. Tony has been VERY tired since the investigation. he did some channeling and it took it out of him. So we didn't get the bonfire on Saturday - and cried off the game on Sunday too. Partly becasue we were bth still tired but also because it was going to be a ;ate start when I needed an early finish to make sure I got to my computer course on time yesterday morning. Then Steve fell ill and ended up at the docs yesterday. Luckily my hypnotherapy patients for last night had to cancel due to illness. TBH I was quite happy to have a quiet night in last night.


On the plus side, the practice manager at my GP is VERY happy for me to leave some cards there - and they are right at the front of the reception desk.

I haven't really meditated or done any of my spiritual exercises much. Although I did try to use cards to get guidance for Helen and Patrick. But today I have a late start. I am on a manual handling course at the hospice which doesn't start until 10.30 so I have PLENTY of time to get ready to go out today.

I am NOT on track with either my portfolio or my weight loss, and I haven't yet managed to get the wedding booked. I will start that today. The portfolio is on the agenda for Thursday. And the weight loss? Well I am still trying to make healthy meal choices, and keep the snacks down. I am still trying to increase my water intake and move my body. Sp pretty much where I have been for the last x months to be honest. I did drink water during the computer course yesterday. For every cup of coffee I had a cup of water.

Life feels 'disordered' at the moment. I am in a time of change I know that. I need to roll with the changes, maximise my chances for development, and believe in myself

Its 8.15 and I have only just got up. And I am looking forward to not going back to pharmacy work until 14th November.

Today I am going to chill - after a visit to the doctor and a trip to Sainsbury. Tonight is our long delayed return to Creaky!!!! So I want to be rested and refreshed for it. I am so glad I slept well last night. I had my normal wakeful spells - but the fact that my wakeful around 6 ended with me going back to sleep speaks volumes. That really IS late for me.

I may have no pharmacy work - but I have 4 hypnotherapy clients - some of whom may need more than one treatment! I also have 2 potential reiki clients who could if they becoem actual clients may well need more than one session.

So I would have worked 16.5 hours for about 360,00 less tax next week. Instead I will be working for 3.5 hours for 160.00 less tax..... and some driving.

So today I will be spending some time putting scripts together. My nody will be relaxing - my brain won't. @ of the sessions (a combined one for a mother and son) are about weight loss. Now THAT is going to be interesting . it will concentrate MY mind wonderfully on my issues. But I must be careful not to project MY problems onto THEM.

I am really looking forward to next week.

Yesterday was an interesting day at the hospice. I have realised the patients who are referred to me where I think hypnotherapy is the best option, are totally different to the people who have come to me before. they don't buy in to it in the same way. I don't think I have got either patient into a proper trance - and certainly the sessions are less successful from the viewpoint of results for the patients. This has been a wake up call to me that different patients need different approaches. I need to write a generic eriksonian induction .

Food went OK ish yesterday - but not as good as I hoped - and I didn't drink as much water. But I did do 10 minutes on the wii fit when I got home yesterday. I am not bingeing on biscuits chocolates or crisps so I am still in control - sort of. But game nights are a nightmare.

We have another booking to give reading. Karl is having a psychic supper and he's offered a table for free to do readings - with the proviso that we make a donation to the British Legion if we make loads. So we do both have work trickling in.

Things are actually looking pretty good for us - so I have no reason to be comfort eating because of that. I wonder why I am eating so much of the wrong stuff? I am certainly eating what I want - but I am eating when I am not hungry - and thats what I need to work on.

Things seem to be taking shape as far as work is concerned. The Othopedic want me 3 days a week (Monday Tuesday and Friday) until.......well for some time. I recon its good until this time next year. They will also let me drop back to my ten am start. So I will be doing a basic 18 hours a week. for them. They know Little Aston is important to me and as long as they know in advance when they have booked me - they accept that I am not 100% available to them. Since the only days LA have so far booked me is Thursdays so far it all fits together rather well.

Also on the work front 2 possible hypnotherapy clients have turned into 2 definite bookings, and I have a possible reiki client that I hope to sort out tomorrow.

What is NOT happening so far is any work on my portfolio. I am so tired when I gey home from work I can't get motivated. But I now have days with NO work - so I can still get it done by the end of the year.

As for my other goal. Oh dear all I can say is my eating pattern and food choices have been unbelievably bad. I feel totally adrift. I know what I should be doing - but can't do it. I have realised I still have a large dose of dislike for myself that is stopping me. Is this linked to the angst I was feeling over last weekend? Maybe. But I need to love myself , and love this body, to be able to adopt healthy eating and drinking patterns.

After a bad nights sleep I am VERY tired this morning - but looking forward to my day at the hospice. However it is tinged with sadness because Stephen dies on Monday - and he was on my list reiki patients today. I was so touched that Marie let me know - not long after she herself had found out.

I can't face the wii fit this morning - but I will use it when I get home. Today will be my 1000th day on it! Thats a landmark I can't miss!

Yesterdays organisation has spilled over into today. So I have done housework and paperwork this morning. I've haven't used the wii fit but I ache from yesterday and I found work VERY tiring yesterday too. So I am taking it easier today. After all I get a lot of exercise getting to and from work - not counting all the walking round the hospital during the day.

BUT I am seriously wondering how viable it is for me to do much work at ROH. There are some things going on there that I am not happy about in the way they work - and I am worried it is starting to make ME work in a less safe way. I need to think about this VERY carefully - but I am not going to rush to a decision.

I have lots of thoughts racing through my head about this but I need to meditate on it - literally as well as figuratively I think. One thing is sure I am going to take as much work at Little Aston as I can.

I did my spiritual exercises with just a candle downstairs this morning. I decided I need to be able to get 'in the zone' wherever I am and I need to practice that.

I need to get moving or I will be late for work. I just hope Mudge doesn't decide to follow me they way he did yesterday! He didn't come into the park luckily - and did make his way home afterwards. I suspect we would be really surprised if we knew how far out cats REALLY go when they go out

Not a lot in this entry about weight loss and health. I am ticking along really. Still got lots of things I know I need to address - but for now to be honest I am content to just tick along. BUT I need to take action if I am to stick to my christmas weigh-in goal. So maybe I need a kick about THAT as well