Still waiting

I still haven't heard from the hospital about a date for my admission and I still feel out of control and frankly fat. But I have had some rather amazing moments with my cards so I should feel better than I do. I just feel so tired all the time. I don't know if its psychological and physiological but its getting to me.

On the plus side, Tony is back to his old self, is looking forward to the holiday and has agreed he will go to Games Expo without me. So things are improving.

And I have just realised I didnt have any biscuits yesterday. So maybe I am not as out of control as I thought.

Tuning in I am tired and have slight abdominal discomfort, emotionally I am calm which is a surprise. Thought is ' how am I going to get on at work today (I am at ROH from 10-4 today and tomorrow) . I feel quite positive really .

I wonder if I will walk to work or use the car................

Bank Holidays

We are in a run of holidays now. This is Easter weekend, then next FRiday there is a bank holiday for the royal wedding, followed by May day the following Monday. Life is far from normal.

I enjoyed my two days at work. Apart from phone calls (and one rather hard of hearing patient) I coped ok. My voice is still a problem tho.

I am getting very concerned about what my accountants are doing. 2 emails with no response. I am getting the stage where I will tell them what to do and just get Karen to do it ALL. I will have to ring them on Tuesday if I don't et a response soon.

Drinking and tuning in and exercise have just gone by the board. I haven't even meditated. That diagnosis seems to have hit me harder than I thought. Thankfully Tony is a lot happier now - and seems to have dropped any idea about Steve going to cornwall with me instead of him. At least I think so.........

Opportunities are still coming in. I now have tenuous link to the Harborne Spiritual centre, Tony is getting more game review requests, Darren has suggested Tony submits some work to Cublicle 7 for one of their games - they are going to put out an open call fro writers soon apparently.

It still feels SORT of like now my op is out of the way we are going to get the work - but the next few weeks are going to be tricky.

I am wondering if I am going to start feeling lethargic before I stop taking my tablet. This morning I feel a bit wobbly. I don't know if my dose of T3 is high enough to give me 'normal' levels. So I may be going hypothyroid .



Tonight we are doing our first overnight ghost hunt since my op. Huzzah!! It may well be my last one until after my treatment = Boo!!

I think my watchword needs to be 'one day at a time'

Back to normality?

Today is my first full day of work since the operation. I have two days at Little Aston. In a way this is life getting back to normal. But the spectre of the radio-iodine treatment hanging over my head makes this far from normal. 2 weeks with no thyroid hormone replacement then 3 days in isolation, then a few days when I can't go out into crowded places means there is massive disruption ahead - and I am frightened about how Tony will cope. Having come out of his cave - or so I thought - yesterday I suggested I took Steve to cornwall instead of him.

Last night I binged at the game - and this morning I feel bloated and sluggish. I am also very tired. This could be lack of sleep, or could be lack of thyroid. I am taking Liothyronine three times a day now rather than daily levothyroxine. I dread to think how I will feel when I stop taking anything.

I feel totally sh*te this morning. Physically tired and bloated - althuogh to be fair I have only just woken up. Emotionally I am confused and frightened about Tony's reactions to all this. The question in my mind is 'when will I get the date'

Depsite this I managed a good hypnotherapy session yesterday with Simon. My voice held out - hooray.

I am looking forward to work today and tomorrow. It will be nice to have a little more than my pension to live on.

I am going to do the only thing I CAN do and take it all one day at a time.

Oh my god what a horrible day!!

At the clinic they told me it was cancer so I would need radio iodine treatment. It will happen in about 6 weeks, and for two weeks beforehand I have to come off all my thyroid replacement - so god knows what I will feel like for those two weeks. Work probably won't be an option.

I will be in hospital for 3 - 5 days in isolation and no visitors. Anything I take with me may need to be help in quarantine when I am allowed to go if it is still radioactive. I will get them back - but that will make me think twice about taking in my laptop as a dvd player. But I will need to take in plenty of entertainment thats for sure.

I have had trouble adjusting to the idea - and Tony seems to be unable to cope at all. He has gone into major sulk mode. I know its his way of coping - but its very unfair on me. He has deleted strange matters and his FB account (although he has now re-instated it so I think he realises he has over-reacted and is probably being rather unfair to me. But I feel incredibly upset. However I haven't resorted to comfort eating. Although I may well resort to a large dose of alcohol tonight

That Monday morning visit to hospital feeling

The weekend was a funny one. We did see Nikki and Nic for a couple of hours but Lisa didnt make it. I got reminded that Nikki has MS - and suddenly I find out EFT has 'cured' MS - just as positive thinking ;cured' another MS sufferer who used Paul Mckenna's books. I looked at some EFT stuff before Nikki even got here - and I had forgotten she had MS until she mentioned it - and something went 'ching' in my mind, But it could all be coincidence and probably is.

It was a downbeat weekend - apart from Sunday night. Tony was a bit off and fed up. Its been too long since we did any ghost hunting. So he was fed up Saturday night - and that made me worried so Sunday morning I was in a downbeat mood - but did manage to pull myself round somehow.

But as the title says today I have my follow up at the clinic and I will find out if I need radio iodine - and get a chance to express my worries about my voice. However later on I am going to see Cousin Simon to do some hypnotherapy with him. And this week I get back to work - 2 full days at Little Aston.

So things are looking up.

I am sure my mood is just nerves about the hospital visit - understandable nerves I guess.

Old friends

This weekend I sudden;y have the chance to reconnect with old friends. Rose Lisa and Kimberley ate in Brum for a wedding and Lisa is hoping to get round to see me tomorrow . I am hoping to see all of them if I can manage it. Then yestreday while I was at Feet Retreat something made me text Nikki - and she and her man Nic are coming round this afternoon. Then last night Brian texted us to invite us to Tom's 21st tonight. We won;t be going to that - but at least Bri is back in touch.

As well as walking round Harborne I did 30 minutes (thirty minutes!) on the wii fit yesterday.

Eating went OK, Water didn't - must try harder . Going out breaks the pattern so I dont have the glass at mt side. It shouldn't be that difficult to do tho. And as I sit here I do NOT have any water with me although I did drink 2 full glasses over night.

Tuning in physically I feel OK slight twinges here and there - but what do you expect at the age of 59. Emotionally I am happy. So many things are happening that feel right. Thought is what good exercise it will be cleaning the living room so it is fit for visitors.

My schedule is spiritual exercises, breakfast, cleaning, bath, then study for my portfolio.

I was making a rather downbeat entry all about 2 downbeat days , when the icon showing I needed to update the laptop popped up. I decided to let the updates install and didn't save the entry I had made. I decided to do my card pick while the laptop was out of action. I used 2 decks. Daily Guidance and my fairy deck. Daily guidance gave me 'Giving and receiving' - advice to balance both activities - and made me wonder if I have been too much of a taker over the past couple days. The other card was 'follow your dreams' but it was the text in the book that made me sit up - telling me to schedule time to do what it is really important. Because the past couple of days I haven't done that. The affirmation in the book is a clarion call 'I deserve the best - I take charge of my schedule and my life'

I have frittered the past couple of days away because I was feeling down, and I didn't use the tools I have to re-frame how I was feeling. Nothing went to exact plan, eating, drinking, exercise, meditation (what meditation!) I was up and out so early yesterday I didnt get round to meditating at all. However thanks to the kick up the backside from the cards I can now make a more realistic entry about where I am and where I go from here

Eating is going ok. I am eating slowly, and consciously. I haven't been drinking water as much I was. I have increased my exercise tolerance. I swam for 40 minutes yesterday - after walking from the pool to aldi ,doing some shopping then walking back with the shopping. I was then tired the rest of the day - which is why I didn't meditate or do anything spiritual until the evening. I frittered yesterday with tv and the laptop.

Tuning in this morning I am still a bit sleepy, aware of vague IBS discomfort but otherwise OK. I am hungry . Emotionally I think 'determined' describes me now. A few minutes ago it would have been very different. Thought is 'OK I am going to make a plan for today and stick to it'

My plan for today is

eat slowly and consciously (all day)
drink water(all day)
meditate (after breakfast)
sort out the insurance for my reiki
do some shopping and go to feet retreat (appointment booked for 12)
Do some work on my portfolio

I notice I haven't blogged since Tuesday. Food and drink went OK on Tuesday. And I got a lot of exercise too. I went for a walk in the park - not because I wanted to but because the pendulum told me I should - and I met Alan Green . I think I was meant to meet him. Monday was the first anniversary of Claire's death .

Later Tony and I walked up to Northfield to leave some business cards in the jewellers and ended up both buying new shoes and having a meal at Judy's Cafe (that was Jimmy's Cafe) so I didnt cook on Tuesday evening.

I ate my meal at the cafe really slowly.

Yesterday started off with an appointment at the denal hygeinist - and the rest of the day was 'off' from the moment I got home. I felt very down - ready to burst into tears. So I pampered myself, meditated and generally did everything I could to convince myself I was loveable and wanted. And it did work. I felt much better. But I had a very unproductive day. The evening was good tho. We went to Wolverhampton and for the first time played 4th ed with a good gaming group . I am still reserving judgement until I see how a battle runs tho.

I asked Simon P if he wanted to try for the hypnotherapy again - and all being well I am going over on Monday. Potter told Simon how beneficial he found his sessions - and it was good to get that sort of positive feedback. It feels good to be back on track with the hypnotherapy.

This morning I am going swimming with Maggie. Tuning in I feel sleepy - but no physical aches and pains. Emotionally I feel positive (a marked contrast to yesterday) and the thought is I will enjoy my breakfast after swimming and shopping.

I am going to make it a good and productive day today

I weighed myself yesterday - and I can at least say my weight is stable. Thats good . Not putting on weight is good - and I can accept that as a starting point. Now all I have to do is adjust things a little so I start to lose.

Tuning in , physically I am OK - maybe a bit bloated. I am also still half asleep. Emotionally determined probably best described how I feel. Thought or question is how to make the most productive use of today.

Yesterday was Sheila's birthday and Tony had forgotten. However once we had been reminded it was amazingly easy to get going to get a card and some flowers and to pop over. There were no grumbles from Tony at all. She was out when we got there so we went to Margaret's for a bit then all went down together.

I have no idea yet what I am going to do today, whether it will be productive or not, or even if I will do any significant exercise. I am staring at 2 bills that need to be paid and I know I need to deal with some other paperwork issues so I may do those then just chill for the rest of the day. I think at the moment sleepiness is over writing determined!

That Monday morning feeling

First things first lets tune in. Physically I am tired , my throat aches and feels a bit raspy, I am aware of a slight bloated feeling, but I am not hungry. Emotionally I am frustrated about the lack of progress with my voice - its not really improving and I am concerned about it. Thought it I have nothing I MUST do today - so I can do what I WANT to do . If that means taking a positive decision to do nothing then so be it.

Yesterday I went for a walk in the par round the lake and I took the long route to the lake rather than the more direct one.

I am doing better with eating slowly - but yesterday during the game I kept sucking sweets in an attempt to ease my throat so I could talk. I thinks that is why I feel a bit bloated. Also yesterday Gill had Pepsi Max. No sugar - but I don't the caffeine would have done me much good. I am doing better with eating what I want too. Mindless snacking is rare. I do think before I eat now.

I still haven't conquered water consumption when I am out of the house. yesterday evening I intended to refill my glass with water - but when Gill saw I was going to the kitchen she assumed I wanted more Pepsi and told me where to find it. Why didn't I just get myself water anyway? Something to think about.............

I still haven't weighed myself again. I keep putting it off with the excuse that I have always drunk a fair amount - do I drink the water in the mornings to avoid stepping on the scale? Would I believe the weight anyway or would I be mentally thinking I've drunk a pint of water so thats at least a pound of weight I can ignore?

Oh what con men we weight watchers are - looking for any excuse to either avoid or invalidate a weigh in. Masters of self deception - it makes me wonder how much I am deceiving myself about other things........................

I am going to make this a good week - and today is going to be a good day........................

That Saturday morning feeling

Normally on Saturday mornings people feel 'weee its the weekend lets relax and have fun' I am so tired from my busy 2 days all I am thinking is 'Have I really got the energy to anything?' But my slient musings as I feed the cats and sort out the dishwahser have produced a useful piece of self knowledge. I am really onlt 'tuning in' in the morning - and I think I need to tune in more often'

So lets start by tuning in right now.

I am tired, and still rather bunged up from the cold. I don't feel really hungry at the moment. Emotionally I am content. My thought is that I must get to grips with my eating and weight issues now my other issues are more settled.


Yesterday I went to Solihull for my induction at the hospice. I went early and did some shopping in Mell Square then walked from Mell Square to the hospice - then of course walked back after my interview. I decided the walk would be better for me and the extra car parking charge wouldn't be a massive hit. I am glad I did it - but I was SO glad I didnt have to do anything else for the rest of the day - or for a couple of days if I am honest. But the shopping trip gave me a jolt. I went into M and S and tried on a size 18 top and size 20 trousers. They were not even CLOSE to fitting. I didn;t realise M and S sizes were so skinny compared with other shops. It was a downer - especially the top. I would have needed a size 24 - and they don;t do them. But I can get into a size 16 top from Evans. But it has got me back to tinking about my size issues - hence my thoughts this morning,


May 4th will be my first working day at the hospice. I will be a proper reiki practitioner at last. I set that date to make sure I really was fit ( and because I accidently booked myself to work ot ROH one Wednesday!) It feels good to have finally made it.

Because I was out my water drinking went right down, and when I got home I was so tired I couldn't be bothered. That also affected my eating yesterday. Biscuits, Tortilla chips and chocolates :-(. The memory of that is what made me realise I don;t tune in more than once a day. And I must do it more often. I must get into the habit of carrying water with me in future.

I made a good choice for tea tho. As it was so warm I suggested salad - but I could tell Tony wasn't keen. He opted for ravioli. I did him ravioli and myself salad and we both had a grilled potato waffle. I needed the cripsiness. So tinned tuna, lettuce beetroot and a raw carrot plus the waffle was my dinner - and I am quite pleased with myself. I really enjoyed it. I have lots of vegetables in the rack that I must cook and/or use over the weekend. I think some carrot soup could be on the menu! It will be good to do some cooking anyway.

To weigh or not to weigh that is the question? Also how much exercise should I start adding in? Now my spiritual exercises are sorted my physical ones need to be added in. I want to get back to exercising before I go to work. But I think my eating is probably the most important thing to get control of - hence tuning in is going to be my main focus for a few days. I am still exercising with house work - and I may well take a walk in the park today as the weather is so wonderful. Workouts can be added in later.

A 'wow' moment

Yesterday was my busiest day since my operation. I went over to the hospice to shadow another therapist and learn my way round their bit, I went from there to ROH and did 4 hours work, and then we went to the Witch and didn't get back home till midnight.

Being busy help stop snacking - and I did not go overboard on the inevitable goodies at ROH. I al;so kept up with my water intake where ever I was (including the witch)

This morning tuning in I feel tired due to lack of sleep (thank you cats for getting me up too early) and have a strange muscle pain in my right thigh. I first became aware of it while driving home last night. It seems to be the same pain I sometimes get overnight . No idea what it is but I must keep an eye on it. Emotionally I am content. Thought is ' Things are going well - how can I keep up the momentum'

The wow moment was while I was at the hospice. The therapist I was shadowing does reiki and other therapies and was doing a second session with one gentleman. She asked me to join in the with the reiki and to concentrate on on his side where he was experiencing some discomfort. Afterwards he was really pleased because the discomfort was much better after treatment - and he was trying to work out was it because the reiki really HAD done something or was it all in his mind. This was a wow for 2 reasons. It is always amazing when a patient reports an immediate effect. But in this case he obviously hadn't had the same experience with Wendy's reiki. He commented how hot my hands were - a phenomenon he obviously hadn't felt from Wendy. It is always great when I get confirmation that I am having real effects. I think Wendy may have been a a bit miffed though, I hope not.

Work was OK. I had an 'interview' for the bank post - and that is now one step further forward. There is a small chance they will also accept one of my two recent CRB checks instead of doing another one.

I really am very tired today - and I am glad I have nothing much booked for the next few days. But my stamina does seem to be improving.

I have to go to the hospice again today to have my induction with Jean - and I am going to combine it with a trip to Mell Square to do some shopping. But apart from that I am not going to push myself too hard

Back to work

This morning I am preparing for a busy day. I am going to the hospice to shadow another complementary practitioner this morning, then this afternoon I am working from 1.00 until 5.00. This evening we are going to the Witch.

So I am up early, and am concentrating on my spiritual exercises first. I also need to print off a time sheet, ring and check it is still ok for me to shadow Wendy, ,eat and, get dressed. Anything else is an unnecessary distraction.

Yesterday exercise was shopping with Steve - Sainsbury, Aldi , Pet supermarket and the jewllers to repair my pendulum. Drinking water was good, slow eating was ok ish but if I was writing a school report it would say could try harder.

Tuning in this morning I realise feel a bit bloated - and I am not sure why. I am hungry tho. Emotionally I am enthused and excited about the day ahead. Thought or question is how will I cope at work. I need to visualise it all going really well.

Yesterday I had one pleasant surprise. The first sound I heard from Tony yesterday was him blowing his nose. I realised he had come down with a cold and my heart sank. He tends to be grumpy when he is ill. He does tend to the 'manflu' syndrome But to my surprise he said nothing to me about the cold and seemed fairly chipper. A bit later his FB status was a comment that he had a dry throat and sniffles - but he was not going to let it get him down. The only slight grump came when he had to decide if he wanted to go to the game at Gill and Darren's. His only concern was whether he was infectious - and it was clear he really was up for going despite the cold. This is such a contrast to how he is normally. He continued to make his normal quota of drinks through the day, and stayed very upbeat. He seems to have caught positive thinking off me as well as my cold.

Setting up for the day ahead

'Failing to plan means you are planning fail'

It sounds a bit trite - but its very true. using this blog to help me plan my day is a tool to help me succeed. Also by blogging I visualise what I am going to do - and as long I visualise things going well that helps me succeed.

Yesterday wasn't a brilliant day. I started eating too fast again so today I must get back to where I was with that. I drank lots of water, my walk round the lake was very good and I did some very helpful thinking as I walked.

Tuning in this morning I am still a bit sleepy - but I am hungry - and a bit thirsty despite water and tea. I still have the remnants of my cold but otherwise physically I feel ok. Emotionally I feel upbeat and positive. Thought is I want to dive into my new spiritual routine and do some work on my portfolio. So I am very motivated.

I am going swimming later with Margaret. I am going to do my new spiritual routine in a bit (after breakfast) and then work on my portfolio.

AaaaCHOO

My cold took me over yesterday but I still managed to do 10 minutes free step - first time in 5 days I have used the wii fit.

The eating slowly and drinking water went well.
This morning I have done a lot of spiritual development taks and housework and not had time to eat - but I haven't felt hungry. My cold is getting better, I feel better and I am planning on taking a walk round the lake for the first time in weeks.

Tuning in I feel OK despite the cold. My emotions are positive and my thought is I have to develop a positive spiritual routine just as I am developing positive new eating patterns and exercise routines.


Today I am going to put some time in on my portfolio. Tomorrow I am going swimming with Maggie,

Detox??

So much for my hopes of a good weekend. The cold has got a stranglehold on my and this morning I now have a cough.

Tuning in I feel bunged up and my throat is very uncomfortable. Emotionally I am actually quite positive because I know despite the cold things are moving forward for me. My thought is I need to meditate and visualise to try and get to the bottom of what is causing this cold. When I had reiki on Wednesday I got the word 'detox' in my head. I know that the symptoms of a cold are actually caused by the immune system kicking in so in a way these symptoms are a sign of 'detox' going on - but I am wondering if there is more to it than just a cold. Although I dont buy into all Louise Hay's ideas about the causes of illness I suspect I do need some emotional detox as well.

I am still drinking water. I am still eating slowly. I am not moving my body as much as I would like - but I am ill at the moment - and I am not going to push anything. I walked up the hill to the shops yesterday to collect my prescription and get my hair cut. That was enough moving for me yesterday - and I knew I had done it. But my legs felt fine at the top of the hill - my main problem was just fatigue because I am not as fit as I was so that is a good sign

I am now very close to starting work at the hospice. Next Thursday I am going in to shadow another practitioner - and on Friday I am going in for my induction with Jean - who says they need to get me working sooner rather than later . I am very excited.

I am beginning to feel hungry now - and I have been up nearly two hours so I must get something to eat.

Sound of silence

No radio and no tv this morning - and I am enjoying it.

Yesterday was very busy. Doctors at 9.10, having my feet nibbles by fish at 10.30 , then I went home with Maggie and gave her some reiki before heading over to the college to meet Sally and Clare. I got home just after 2 and went 'bllllrrrgghhhh' cos the cold I was brewing on Thursday came out big time over the day. Luckily (?) Shaz and Karl were also ill so the event at the Witch on Thursday evening got cancelled. I clearly wasn't meant to go despite wanting to so badly. But I really was feeling quite poorly by Thursday evening.

I am still full of cold this morning but I have done some self healing and used the inner smile visualisation as well - something I had almost forgotten about. During the visualisation I smiled especially at my feet and visualised them wrapped up in cotton wool. I have realised I really don't like my feet - which is a shame because I rely on them to carry me. So I need to be nicer to them. The Feet retreat was great - and Maggie and I are going to make it a monthly treat - or try to anyway. I have booked to go back in 2 weeks because I know my feet need it. It was a fantastic experience and my feet felt really smooth and some problems areas of skin already feel much better.

Tuning in this morning I am bunged up and a bit blllrrgghh (good word that!) My mood is still positive because I feel I am taking charge of things now. I feel hungry - and I think I want scrambled eggs on toast. My thought is that I need to focus on getting myself healthy before I can start helping others.

I am going to get my hair cut in a bit - and then I will have a bath and hopefully un bung my nose a bit. Life will be mch easier when I can breathe!!!

I am looking forward to a good weekend