30th of April and no sign of regular work - warning primal scream

I never anticipated this situation - and I am quite scared. The locum position at Selly Oak hasn't materialised so I guess they have given it to someone else - or had to admit they don't have the funding for it. But Selly Oak are too well organised not to have funding so they obviously gave it to another candidate - which is a huge blow to my self esteem.

And the one thing you need when attempting to sell yourself as a potential employee is loads of self esteem - so from any view, this is a pretty bad situation to be in.

I still have the interview at Burton - but I have reservations about whether that really is the best option for me. I sent my CV off to Lloyds and have heard nothing. And my phone is not off the hook with people wanting me services as a reiki therapist.

I haven't been exercising as rigorously as I should be either, and I can almost feel the fat settling in my hips as the weight creeps up.

In other words I am in a crap place - and that is why I put a health warning on this entry that it is a bit of a primal scream. But this blog is about the only place I can admit how awful I feel about things. I can't tell Tony. I need to talk to someone but I can't think who I can talk to.

What is getting to me is the feeling of not being in control. But worse I don't feel capable of getting back in control.

There is a vicious cycle emerging. My lack of motivation means I am not doing things I think I should be doing, so I feel bad about myself, and that just demotivates me even further.

The way to break the cycle is obvious - do something constructive. But I can't think of anything I can do that will yield the sort of results I want. What I have been doing so far hasn't been that successful so it looks as if I need to change tactics - but I don't have any other ideas.

Yesterday my FB status said I wanted something wonderful and magical to happen. It is possible it did. 2 unexpected things happened. I got a message from Carolyn inviting Tony and I to a very exclusive paranormal investigation on 8th May - the day we SHOULD have been going to the Station Hotel. This puts us back in touch with Carolyn which may be useful for both of us. Also there was a primal scream type post from a reiki therapist in Coventry having problems getting established. I sent her a private message and suggested as we are quite close we might be able to team up or at least brainstorm some ideas together. To my surprise she said yes. So two unexpected contacts. What they may provide is unknown - but networking is the key to getting thorough in this sort of situation - and anything that increases my network has got to be good.

Why am I in such a panic about the lack of work. Financially we can survive for a lot longer than a month? I guess like 99% of people I define myself by what I do and at the moment I dont seem to be doing anything. But I am still me. I am still Tony's fiancee, and Steve's Mum and they still value me. Why can't I value myself as a companion, a homemaker, a friend?


A part of me recognises I am being very unrealistic about my expectations. It takes time to build up a client base. But it is depressing when you don't hear back from people. The lack of response from Fosters is very depressing. I had high hopes of that. But I am sure David would let me know even if the answer was 'no' so maybe he hasn't had the chance to put it to the trustees yet.

I have GOT to get myself into a more positive frame of mind or this is going to be a disaster. I am setting myself up to fail and whether it is psychical or psychological that is not good.

I need to focus on what I CAN do, do what I can to increase my network and be ready to take any opportunities that appear.

I have spent an hour making this entry. While part of me feels it is an hour wasted the other part of me knows I needed to get these feelings out by expressing them.

Lets hope I can now make today a little more constructive.

A small success

I have some work booked!! I did some cold calling and as a result have 17 days work booked a private hospital. The hospital is part of a group which has other hospitals in the area so I may get other bookings from them to.

Apart from that everything is a bit blah and I don't feel like doing anything. That is partly because I ave no pressing need to do anything. My first dates with the hospital are the first week in June. So I have lots of time to do...........well to do what? That is what I can't decide.

I still have to do list - and I know I will get motivated to deal with it. But maybe not today. Maybe today I need to chill .

Charting success

Yesterday I was very dynamic.

I went swimming
I did my CRB check documents
I got Tony's passport application done.
I bought some paper so I can print more reiki flyers
I found a box for my crystals
I found another shop willing to display a flyer
I sent my cv off to Lloyds
I contacted local hospitals to see if they needed any bank pharmacists (as a by product of that I found there really IS a vacancy at QE and they really haven't decided yet - so I may still have a prospect of work very soon)

But I ended up having a biscuit fest yesterday evening during the game.

Thinking a LONG way ahead, I have GOT to find a way to cope with inactivity /not working or when I finally retire properly I am going to have a big problem. I so need structure in my day if I am going to avoid the biscuit trap.

I think when I am at work I have an agenda for what needs to get done that day. Yesterday I had a mental list of things I wanted to get done - and did it. That's clearly something I need to remember and act on.

So why did I hit the biscuit tin? I think mainly because the game last night wasn't that enjoyable compared to Sunday's. So between now and next Monday I need to think what I can do to try to make the game more enjoyable for me - and I would guess Tony as well. I know his heart wasn't in the game either.

I really ache today. I swam for 20 minutes continuously - and boy do I know I have done it. I know what I need to do is actually get back in the pool today - and I will try to do that.

Right so on the to do list for today

breakfast
meditation
Find out if I need a new colour print cartridge
go swimming
get a new cartrude if I need one
Print off some flyers
distribute some flyers
Look at TMA02

What are blogs for?

All of us in the blogosphere blog for a variety of reasons. Some blog so other people can follow what is going on in their life. Others are driven by the need to record specific events in their life - like coping with disease.

I started this blog when my life was totally chaotic partly as an outlet to help me cope, but mainly as a replacement for the 90 day weight loss journal that is part of the Paul McKenna programme.

That was 22 months ago.

In those 22 months I have changed my job, and now find myself without work. My Mum died, Edna needed increasing support as her dementia worsened and then she died.I have sorted out 2 estates -one with a will one without. I have become a reiki practitioner.

I have even lost some weight - albeit only about 7 lbs

Exercise is now a regular part of my life - even if I end up walking the whole of the Race for Life.

I would not have achieved all that without this blog. Originally I intended to keep this blog private but decided to put a link on a Paul McKenna FB page. That got me my first follower (Hi Sharon!) and through that I found all the other bloggers. Reading their blogs - and getting supportive comments on mine - has made a world of difference.

Although I may not have achieved much in the way of weight loss there is one other thing I haven't done during this 22 months - got depressed and needed medication. As I didn't blog during the previous 10 years the scale of this achievement cannot be seen in its proper perspective. But believe me - its huge.

I have re-read parts of my blog today - and it has been illuminating to compare myself now with myself on 30th June 2008 when I made my first entry. At a time when I feel stuck and a bit despondent I can actually see how far I have come. Even if the plans I had 22 months ago didn't all work out. We certainly didn't go into the house rental business.

I can see how far I have come -and that gives me the impetus to keep going even though at the moment I feel stuck.

Confession is god for the soul

Yesterday I ended up with a bad case of emotional eating. Things havent been going well lately.

Still no sign of work
Two events I had been looking forward to cancelled
Still beating myself up a bit about not getting as much work done on the house as I would have liked

Apart form the work issue tho nothing really major. Yesterday I should have been on one of the events that got canceled and it was yesterday I found out the other event was also canceled.

Tony was happy with a takeaway for dinner and I went for the most unhealthy option I could. And I knew I was eating emotionally. It was like last Sunday's chocolate bar episode.

The redeeming feature is I didn't eat it all. I couldn't eat it all. So I guess there is some hope for me after all.

I am not blogging regularly and that is always a bad sign that things are not on target for me.

On the plus side I have now clocked up 22 weeks without missing a day on that bully of a wii fit machine!

I am going to have some quality 'me' time today. Go and soak in a bath, take some time to meditate and try to reframe my perspective on things from negative to positive.

Having a wobble

This is an exercise for my OU course which I meant to do a few days ago.
When was I at my best? What do I feel proud of as I look back over what I have done both in work and out of it.

Organising the production section at Dudley Road
My time on the Liver Unit especially starting the self medication system.
Setting up the topping up system at QE
Becoming one of the top DM's in Europe in my RPGA days
The way my relationship with my son has stayed strong as he has matured
Beating depression and getting control over my life.
Dealing with individual patients and their problems
Doing my best for Edna
Being a shoulder to cry on for friends/colleagues with problems

So who am I at my best?

Innovative
Well organised
Focused
Caring
Good communicator
Good listener
Hard working
Reliable

So why am I posting all this on THIS blog? I had a major wobble yesterday. I started the formal process of applying for a job at Asda, and yet again I had an agency ring me up and say Selly Oak want a locum are you interested? They rang at 12, said they would get back tome within the hour. Four hours later I rang them and they said they were about the ring Selly Oak to find out what was going on. They said they would get back to me and didn't

The Asda application is making me focus on what I really want - and the agency incident is feeding my paranioa about how Selly Oak see me and undermining my self confidence.

I am scared about the future.

I need to deal with that fear and I can't do that if I am a quivering blob of jelly in a corner. Working through that exercise has reminded what I can do at my best, that I do have a lot to be proud of. I can do this

Listening to your mind and body

Yesterday was a very bad day. I was demotivated for a variety of reasons that I could rationalise about. My frustrations over my work situation were slightly alleviated by a call from Manie to tell me she has had some interest in me. Today she is going to ring me so I can hear all the details and discuss them with her.

Wr got invited over to Gill and Darren's last night. I was aware as I drove over that I had visons of chocolate in my head. Gill and Simon decided to go to the shop before the game started and I decided to go with them to get something to drink. I also bought two bars of chocolate one for me and one for Tony. Almost as soon as I had the bars the feeling that I wanted some chocolate faded quite a lot. But when it resurrected itself a bit later I slowly ate and really really enjoyed my bar of chocolate.

Psychologically it did me the power of good.

Both Beyond Chocolate and Paul McKenna advise people trying to lose weight to listen to their bodies. But that also involves listening to your mind because that is how your body communicates with you. Understanding and honouring your emotions is the theme of 'Care of the Soul' a book I was recommended by Denise when I got back to work 4 years ago after CYLI7D.

And it occurred to me this morning that you not only have to listen, but you have to trust the message you are getting. In just the same way I know I have to trust my intuition to give me correct information.

The issue of trusting myself seems to be a recurring theme in different areas of my life at the moment - and I know that is significant.

I trusted my instincts over the chocolate bar. I need to identify where I am NOT trusting myself and then maybe I will start to make some progress.

So tuning in this morning I am tired, I have slight back discomfort, I am feeling that I have fallen behind in work round the house and garden so I have not gone to the park. I will get my exercise by doing some of those jobs. I am nervous about the information Manie is going to give me and worried I am going to make a bad decision about my job future.

I am certain that I will go for whatever job seems best for me even tho I am certain it is going to involve a longer journey than I would like.

But my instincts are telling me I am not going to make progress by staying in hospital work. And Manie is giving me a chance to move into the community.

Once I have my work sorted out , I think other things will fall into place and I will then do much better with my weight loss.

Do you suffer from diet rage?

http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/motivation_articles.asp?id=346

I read this article and realised I do. Which is why I have posted the link for anyone else who suffers from the same phenomenon!!

What goes up............

must come down. Yesterday I was on a high. Today I am down demotivated and tired. But strangely I have accomplished quite a few things this morning.

I have been for a long walk int he park - and it included a bit of jogging
I have started working through my OU course again - and this time I feel I am getting a better grasp of it
I have printed off some more flyers - this time with some information about reiki on the back.
I have sent off the forms for insurance for my reiki practice.

I am sitting here feeling horribly hungry. I had porridge and toast for breakfast. I have avoided excessive snacking - but I wouldnt like to bet that my lunch will be that healthy. I am imagining a salad filled wrap of some sort. Tuna possibly?

I was reading tis morning about positive psychology. I need to apply some of that to myself

Big day today

I am trying to get myself into my work routine again even tho at the moment I dont have much. But in 2 hours time I will be seeing my first professional reiki client. One who is expecting to pay me for my services.

one down four to go!!

I have been to the park this morning. Lacking a pedometer I actually counted my steps as I walked round the lake. It is about 850 paces. I am considering extending my exercise by doing more than one circuit of the lake and I want to know how far it is. Being vertically challenged my pace isn't 1 metre. So I guess in metres it is about 800 meaning 3 times round the lake would be about 2.5K - or half the distance of the Race for Life. Now that is something to aim for.

Food yesterday was a disaster. Tony was ill and didnt feel like eating so I didnt bother cooking just for me. I ended up snacking all day. But today has started better. Having to go out (and I will be walking to my client's house) will be good for me on on so many levels!

Tomorrow is another day

Its been a busy few days. I've done stuff in the house, I've done stuff i the garden. I have used the wii fit, I have been out in the park. I have been trying with food - and not always got it right. But I am still trying.

But I have had the most amazing piece of luck.

One of the tings i have been doing is to draw up some flyers to advertise my reiki services. I had already got agreement from the hairdresser to distribute them.

Yesterday I went up to have myself 'beautified' I gave the flyers to Julie (the hairdresser) and she immediately gave one to one of the other customers. And the upshot is I have an appointment with her tomorrow morning.

My first paying reiki client!!!

I was hoping I might be starting a new locum booking tomorrow - but it hasn't worked out.I still may get the booking (at Sandwell) . And AHP tell me budgets are coming through and they think they will have something local for me. And Manie may hear from one of her people . So I am still not too worried about the lack of pharmacy work.

One reiki client isn't much - but its a start!!

So tomorrow is another day - and a hopefully a very special day - the day I take the first steps as a reiki therapist

15th April

We are now half way through the month and there is still no definite news about work. I have just looked at my check list and I haven't done as much as I hoped I would.

I am trying not to feel downhearted -but I do. I had such high hopes. But I have done a lot of spade work and laid some good foundations. I am sure something will turn up. I can't do any more than I have done to find work.

I have done the big things. Paid off the mortgage, joined the reiki federation, told the pharmaceutical society and my pharmacy insurers what I am doing.

Food is still ok ish. My choices are healthy om the whole. I am trying to stick to Paul's rules. I am still having a problem with eating slowly. But I am drinking lots of water and I am doing well with exercise even if I am not doing as much jogging as I would like. Sadly I think my back is not going to let me do much jogging. It may be kinder about it if I lose more weight but I have to concede I am going to be walking most of the race of life.

I think my main emotion at the moment is frustration. I am not depressed or down. I am frustrated that I seem to be making so little progress. But that is a good spur to action I guess.

But I still have a clear goal for what I want to do , and I am moving in the right direction.

Jogging along

I feel I am doing that OK now. My mental kick up the backside yesterday seemed to work. As well as exercise, I started clearing Steve's room and made a start on finding ways to advertise my reiki services.

Food went OK ish. I am still not eating slowly enough and I still feel hungry a lot. Its annoying because I'm not sure why. I am eating what I want and to be honest my diet is healthy. So I don't have cravings. I think what it may be is that I always feel food management is harder when I am not at work. I don't seem to trust myself not to keep eating when I am at home. Its becoming a self fulfilling prophecy. I think its because I dont have a definite structure to the day. Even when we are away on holiday there is some sort of structure to the day.

I have just had an insight. No work = no worth. No worth = not worth bothering about. Not worth bothering about = no incentive to try and manage my weight.

I have a LOT to think about today.

Working towards a goal

Everyone feels more motivated and is much more committed when working towards a goal. But you need to pick your goals with care. They must be achievable , and they must be something that really matters to you - and by 'you' I mean the real you, your true self. I guess that\s why a doctor of dietitian telling you you need to lose x lbs doesn't work unless you buy into the goal they want you to reach.

Why am I drivelling on about goals ? I feel I am drifting. Mainly because I have no structure to my day while I am not working. There just isn't the same impetus to get up and go out to the park when you can think 'I can do it later'

So my exercise and eating patterns are less than healthy, I haven't done the study I intended to do and haven't tackled any of the major jobs around the house.

I also haven't blogged - and as regular readers will know my blog is one of the tools I use to keep myself on track.

So today that is going to change. I am sitting here almost feeling the fat accumulating on my body because of my lack of activity recently. I also feel I am not making progress towards my goals. I need to build structure into my day.

Each day I am going to do something towards each of my major goals at the moment. These are training for the race for life, decluttering the house, and setting myself up as a reiki practitioner with paying clients.

So what am I going to do today? I am going to walk up to the hairdressers and ask if I can advertise through them for reiki clients. I am going to start sorting out Steve's old bedroom. And I am going to get up off my fat backside ,put my track suit on and go for a walk in the park.

It is only 7.30 - the cats are very good at keeping disciplined as far as getting up is concerned. If I aim to be doing my specified tasks by 10.00 am (the time I would normally start work) I still have time to meditate etc . I am NOT going to try to do everything in one day.

As far as getting back to pharmacy work is concerned I can't do more than I ave done. I can respond to what other people tell me but unless I want to make to make a wholesale change and start advertising myself to local pharmacies as a locum there isn't much I can do.

Food yesterday went OK. I only ate half of my kebab and chips - but to be fair that was more to do with the strength of the chilli sauce more than me being disciplined. I know I need to get back to the 4 basic rules.

I still intend to end this year 7 lbs lighter than I started it

Just say no

Sometimes the universe just shouts at you to get a message through. Today is one of those days. Its happened in another area of my life earlier today - and now its happened in the context of this blog

Diane 'Fit to the Finish' asked the question, then 'New me' decided to give HER answer and it all relates to overeating. Why is it some people can say 'no' when they are full? Why do naturally thin people seem to be able to register feeling full?(Sorry I don't know how to post links to other blogs in the body of my blog)

This morning I owned up to not eating slowly enough. What I didn't say was that this means I am eating everything on my plate and still feeling hungry. This of course is leading to me overeating and NOT saying no because I am not feeling full. Those other two blogs have forced me to confront what I am trying to hide.

Why am I not eating slowly? If I was, I would feel full and stop eating and so eat less. Its simple really - and I know it is simple. Time to think about why I am finding it so hard

Disorganised life

That's what I have at the moment - a lot of disorganisation. I havent been out to the park for 3 days, and being brutally honest I have been slipping on following Paul's rules - especially the one about eating slowly.

But I have been using the wii fit - and yesterday at one point Tony was doing wii fit jogging and I joined for 10 minutes just for the hell of it. Nothing was being registered on the wii fit for me - but 10 minutes jogging is 10 minutes jogging whether the wii ft knows you have done it or not

I feel a bit disorientated at the moment. No work, no routine, so many changes so many plans.

Changing my life

Today I took big steps towards changing my life to suit me better. I have sent off the forms and paperwork to join the UK Reiki Federation to get me one step closer to actually working as a reiki practitioner

And ------- this is the big one--------------


I HAVE PAID OFF MY MORTGAGE

I have taken financial advise and used the money I inherited last year to pay off the mortgage.

No more monthly mortgage payments.

I will be nearly 700.00 a month better off

That is a massive change for the better

It still hasn't really hit me.

Today I walked to the shops walked round the shops, walked back from shops (easily 90 minutes of walking) and have also clocked up 30 minutes on the wii fit.

Food is going ok ...........ish.

But who cares

I HAVE PAID OFF MY MORTGAGE - I NOW OWN THE HOUSE OUTRIGHT.

How do others see us?

Steve spent most of yesterday here using our pc to write up an essay (he is currently without a computer when university is closed) He turned up much earlier than I was expecting and almost the first ting he did was to ask me if he could borrow 'I can make you thin' He is a big beleiver in Paul's methods having seen what Change your in 7 days did for me. And he used Paul's Instant self confidence book to great effect.

So I gave him my book and all the stuff I got from the seminar.

The interesting thing for me is that he knows I have worked through programme and am still trying to follow Paul's rules. He can see for himself that I haven't magically acquired a svelte like figure. So what incentive would there be for him to follow my methods? What does he see when he looks at me?

He trusts me , he trusts my judgment. He knows that Paul's methods have helped me increase my exercise levels a lot. Over the years he has seen my figure expand a LOT and then shrink down. He knows that my weight has stayed steady over the 2 years from hell - and I think he knows what an achievement that is. He is a comfort eater too.

He cannot look at me and think I am failure. And that means a lot

One of Paul's exercises is to look at yourself through the eyes of someone who truly loves you and try to see yourself as they see you. I havent done that for ages. Steve's request has got me to do it - and I am so glad. That simple request from him has really got to take a long hard look at myself. And I like what I see.

I am very tired and achey today. I didnt go to the park yesterday and only did a token workout on the wii fit. One reason why I am glad I have an enforced break is that I was physically tired - as well as having a lot of things to sort out. I have been concentrating so hard on the things to sort out that I forgot the physical rest I needed. So today I am NOT going to the park - but I may possibly go swimming. I will focus on drawing up a 'to do' list and ticking some of the items off it.

Happy Easter

It is Easter Day and I am contemplating the idea of resurrection and new life - the two themes that run through the account of the first Easter.

These are fairly clear messages that can be applied to our respective journey's towards to health fitness and new lives as the thinner people we want to be.

Happy Easter - and if if you join in the chocolate fest today - enjoy yourself, enjoy the chocolate.It isnt illegal,or immoral - and doesn't mean you are giving up on yourself OR your long term goals

Life without a job

Well I have started my new (temporary) life with no job. I am worried what this will do to my fitness programme. Spending 5 and half hours a day on your feet and moving even if if it is in one room does use a lot of calories!

So yesterday I volunteered to go and deliver leaflets . 2 hours tramping a few streets playing postie plus my morning walk and 30 minutes free step on the wii fit should have kept me on track.

I have lots of things planned to do round the house and garden while I am off - and I am sure I will have more opportunities to play postie over the next few weeks as the election campaign gets going. So I think I will find other ways to use the calories I would have used at work.

3 or 4 years ago had I been faced with this situation I would have worried myself silly about money, and got myself so stressed I would comfort eat. How things change. I am lucky I can manage without an income for a short time, and if this enforced holiday means I don's lose weight, at least I know I am not going to put a lot of weight on through bad eating choices.

Its nice to feel in control.

Yesterday I had a carbohydrate day again although our dinner was meats balls and spaghetti with a home made pasta sauce using fresh vegetables. but I had no fruit at all. This morning I am craving fruit!

That is one craving I am happy to give into - and as I am now hungry after my walk in the park I think its time to get some breakfast

Keep on running

I slept much better last night I am happy to say. So when the alarm went off if I didnt exactly jump out of bed, I get get up almost immediately and put my running gear on. 5 minutes later having fed the cats I was outside. I did my longer route today and actually jogged at least half of it.

I can jog on the spot easily for 10 minutes using the wii fit. It is very different when you are moving over rough ground. But I surprised myself. I was on the homeward leg and had decided I would walk the rest of it when I decided I could manage one more jog ans jogged from the lake to the exit to the park - go me!!