New week new start?

I have spent the weekend going to see Edna, getting clothes from her flat, and wathcing MHL- so it hasn't been all bad. I've also managed to beat up a lot of pixels on FFX. I've zoomed through Bevelle, the second fight with Seymour, and got to the Calm Lands.

But I am SO tired. I'm not sure I'll make it to work tommorrow - and I don't care what work think. If I end up signed off I end up signed off.

Food has gone better today whihc is another plus

Not really got much energy to write much today

A chaotic week

It has all gone wrong this week. Edna was admitted to hospital on Tuesday and is stil there as I type this. I came down with cystitis on Tuesday evening (cause and effect??) and was put on antibotics on Thursday after normal remedes were less than successful.

I HAVE decided about my jobs. I'm going for retirement and 2 days a week as an HIV pharmacist. It still feels as if Emily is tryig to ut me off ANY job. She has pointed out to me that this job is funded by the HIV team so 'its lie working an sla' because they will contribute to gal setting etc. All I can say s hooray - it would e nice to HAVE some acheivable goals and a mangement that is bothered enough to set them. But I have also said I won;t do on call at the moment. In the JD for the HIV job it is voluntary. I'm wonderuing if Emily will try to change the JD to mae it compulsory , If she does I think she will have both Dee and Donna on her back telling her she can't do that. This feels like a win/win. 2 days a week at Selly Oak leaves me at least 2 days when I can locum - but the 2 days a week steady incme gives me some security.

As if systitis wasn't enough my IBS has cut in and sut my bowel down totally so I'm back on Movicol. I've been too dostracted to do PFM excercises and as for food ....well it feels totally out of control.

Things can only get better................................

Time to get organised

OK te bank holiday is over, and I need to focus on 2 things.
1) my job
2) getting fit.

The job I need to think about and talk to Emily to see what the bit about on-call means. And I need to talk to Dee about various 'what if' scenarios.

As far as getting fit is concerned I need to concentrate on eating SSSSLLLOOOOWWWLLYYY. And I need to do more about excercise. Its 8.10. I have time to walk to work. Am I going to?

And the fallout continues..................

Steve came round this morning just after 9.00. When I came down (I was in the bath) it was obvious there was something wrong. Thankfully he didn't go into male stoic mode but decided to let it all out. He started by saying he thought he was mad and needed a psychiatrist. I manged to convince him he wasn't mad, that what he was feeling was normal bereavment reaction. One c rying jag and some informal counselling later he has decided to go and see the chaplain at the universtity if he can to talk the whole thing though.

I am quite releived becasue I have been worried for months that he needed to talk about Alan, but he assured me his friends were suporting him. I'm glad he was able to talk to me at least initally, and I a so relived he has acepted the advice to talk professionally to somone.

We went to see Edna and guess what - she didn't go out. I wonder why I bother.

I'm still no nearer making a decision about the job.

Two days later

and things are not a lot better .

First Edna. Steve and I are going over tomorrow. We have suggested we take her out to the cafe for lunch. She hasn;t said no - but both of of us think she will find a reason not to go. I am going to have to work hard to keep my temper with her.

The meeting today at work did not go well. I was very glad Dee was there. She had assured me on Thursday that I was taking a reaonable attitude. Its a shame Emily didn't seem to agree. Emily didn;t want to offer me anything really. The two MMAG posts have both gone ot to advert. Emily was suprised to discover that even if I didn't fit the personel spec . She made it clear she didn't think I was suitable for either post, and didn;t think I could cope with the stress of the job. The HIV job she had prevously mentioned is only 0.4 wte so thats a non starter. The only bright spot is that the TPN/surgery job has also been offerred. At least that is one I know I can do - probably standing on my head!.

But there is NO flexiniltiy about hours. I wanted to be able to leave before 5.30 so i can't get sucked into staying late. I would still do locking up when needed. But Enily is not prpeared to budge. if I have to work overtime (and pharmacy is renowned for the fact they we all work overtume) then I just have to take it is TOIL - except it isn't possible to.

I have decide if I want to work for a boss who doesn't think I am up to the job, ands thinks working overtime is an occuptaional hazard. I have a week to decide

The rehab class went well although I am now tired. Food has gone OK, but I am very stressed (can't thnk why)

I am SO glad its the weekend and a long weekend at that.

Defiing failure - or success

I might as well write about how I feel at the moment. Puttig it down in print may help me. I've just been thinking about next Saturday when Steve and i are HOPING to persuade Edna to take a little trip down the road to the cafe for lunch. I am convinced she will find an excuse not to go - and f she does I'm going to feel I've failed her. To be honest I feel I've failed so many people. I failed Alan, I failed - or disappointed - Mum, I falied Steve in some ways by not handling the divorce form Alan better. I fialed Steve by buyin g a house so close to Alan. I feel I failed the Women's, I feel like a total f****ing failure.

I can't even say today went badly at work - it didn't. I haven't had a brilliant day, food has got away from me a bit, I haven't 'moved my body' as much as I would have liked but I've tried.

I think the problem is I am convinced that Friday is going to go badly. Either they won't offer me anything decent, or they won't be repared to be at all flexible as regards my hours. The bottom line is I can do a full time job - when full time means 37 and a half hours a week. What I can;t do is work lots of extra time by staying late to finsih work in the dispensary and then try ans scrabble to take it back as TOIL. I will be exhausted. But I don't think they will be prepared to give me any flexibility under IWL. I know Emily can't understand why an 8a job at SOH should be so much less stressful than my joib at BWH.

Oh God its all so crap at the moment. I am back at the 'I want to run away' stage. Maybe it would be beter to just chuck it in at the hospital and go as a locum for a while. Then maybe I could get my head in order. But running away won't solve anything.


AARRGGGHHHHH. I am so fed up. Hope I feel better in the morning

Excercise good for you

I enjoyed my time in the gym. I did 20 minutes on the treadmill at 5.5 mph, and 5 minutes on the bike. Average HR was 105 so I feel Idid a good cardio workout as well as helping my back. Calorie counter was close to 100. I tried to use the pedal machine this machine but fixing t in place is tricky. But I will try to use it daily if I can.

I finallt got my blood taken for the cardiac assesment - but I had to go to SOH in the end.

I am going to see Maggie Vivien this morning - a 20 minute slot as she suggested.

Food didn't go TTO wel yesterday. Choclate biscuits and allsorts proved tempting and I broke the golden rules :-(. But this mornign I don't feel hungry so I haven't eaten. I'd better make sure I take some cereal with me for a late breakfast at work.

I'm still very bervous about how Friday's meeting will go. I've not heard back from Dee about metting up beforehand. But the worst that can happen is we can't agree - I retire and move on.I am still not convinced Emily understands why returning to BWH is impossible for me. I don't think se is a people person at all. I also don;t think she understands IWL. I've told her I want to see how much flexibility there is under IWL. She was adamant I couldn't drop Saturday's but I'm sure if I apply under IWL I might be able to do. But it ay be better to go for odd hours. If I could leave before 5 or at 5 I know I would be a lot less tired.

Work went OK yesterday. Today I'm going with Erika when she goes to B3 to see how she works. That will help me cover the ward better.

Who is disiplined ver a weekend anyway?

It all went to pot over the weekend. No PFM (although I did complete the diary) junk food al weekend, no rela excercise and depsite having a games weekend I spent a lot of it down because I a so worried about Edna.

I went to see her on Saturday and although my tantrum last weekend did shake her a bit she is still very down. She also doesn't seem to be taking the antbotics. I chated wit Alma and she is convince she isn't eating, but also feels she may be playing me a bit. Sadly se is capable f that. But te botom line is if she doesn't treat this chest infection and isn't eating, she isn't going to get better. Alma and I both feel she wants to die - ad if that is true there is nothing we can about it. But I have some very complex emotions about that. I think I need to talk to someone professionally (something Edna of course refuses to do!) So need to decide if I am going to include the GP in this accepting the possibility I may be depressed too and may need more than CBT. I am wondering if I am really in the best frame of mind to decide about my future. However at least at te moment the presumption is now that I will be working full time. Trouble is I am SO tired this morning I am wondering if full time work s possible? Is this genuie tiredness duew to lack of stamina or is it a sign of depression? That settles it I need to include the GP.

There is no odut blogging is a very useful tool!!

I have to starve ths morning because I am having bloods taken for cholesterol. I aalso intending to make use of the gym at work over the lunchtime. 20 minutes on the treadmill will be useful for my back, good for my general health and hopefully will release some endorphins and et me or epositive again. Actually even the thought of it is making me feel better. I am visualising myself jogging slowly on the treadmill. I am aso visulaising the pleasure I will feel when the HT monitor goes to 100 and wondering what the calories count will be. Fun!!!!

I really DO feel motivated to excercise more. Dam tha Paul McKenna - he's brainwashed me - and I'm delighted.

My mood has done a complete 180 writing this today. I got up depressed and tired wondering if I could face a full week at work, and I now feel energised and enthused - although still very worried about Edna.I REALLY need to think about that change and what it means.

I did it

I've final worked a full week. And considering I had my spinal rehab class today as well, I feel surprisingly lively. I'm quite pleased that I've been given permission to use the gym at work over the lunctimes on Monday's and Thursdays so I can get in some extra rehab work and excercise that hopefully will help to increase my stamina.

My chat with Emily went sort of OK. It looks possible that I coudl be re-deployed to an 8a post - but Emily vetoed any idea of me not working Saurdays. But she may not realise about Improving working lives. I think I can at least request it. I need to check with Dee. I still don't know how to relate to Emily. I'm not sure if she's a people person or a systems person. I suspect the latter - whhc is a shame as I really need a people person at the moment

Food managment slipped a bit today. A snickers bar got consumed. I really fancied it, and I did eat it slowly and consciously and enjoyed every lucious mouthful.

I'm going to see Edna tommorrow. Fngers crossed it goes OK.

Stress

Stress is a funny thing. I know I need a certain amount of it to work at my best. I'm a 'give me a deadline and I'll work to it' sort of person. In some ways the more I have to do the more productive I am. But nowadays I know the work needs to be more desk based than walking around wards. I am begginig to think if UHB can re-deploy me into an 8a at SOH I may be able to understake it full time. It all depends on wha Emily can offer me - if anything.

So what is my plan for today? Well I have my spinal rehab class,2 wards (including B4 ) a dispensary session and a meeting with Emily. But I am still intending to take a walk at lunchtime and take time for my reflective portfolio. Any excse to write!!!

I was so pleased with the way I managed my fod yesterday. I really do feel I am back in control after a wobble when Mum died. I now have a god visualizatio of how I WANT to lok at my ideal weight ...and its a visulaization naked oooeerrr. And last night I lstened to the CD and went right under - the firs time for ages. Rightly or wrongly I always take that as a sign that I really relaxed and at the moemt that has got to be a very good thing.

So today breakfast was 1 weetabix and a kiwi fruit Lunch will be the remains of yesterday dnner and some fruit. Dinner - well I'll make that u when I get home.

I am still a bit peckish after the cereal so I may have a slice of toast before I leave.

I am feeling very good about today, and I feel good about myself - which in some ways is more important.

Positively positive

Well I did stay positive today, depsite a really upsetting time on the wards. I reaised I had been assigned B4 the ward where Alan died. I found myself imagining what his admission notes must have said, how he must have looked as he lay dying. I left the ward and spent the next 15 minutes in the chapel in floods of tears. When I got back Becca saw I was upset and I told her what happened. Without telling me she told Renda who re-arranged next weeks rota so i don't have to do B4 again.

Apart from that it was a good day. I can put a tick against every item on the check list. In fact I couldn;t finish my lunch or my dinner today. also went for a walk at lunctime again.

Work went well even when I had a panic becasue I had been assigned to the OP dispensary and hadn't realsied. Actually t was a doddle and I had a great time. but my initial reaction was very panicky and thats not good. The moment I feel I've lost control over things, I lose the plot.

I am making a great effort to keep control on everything - including my emotions - but it doesn't always work. However its a lot better than it was!

Keeping positive

Thats what I'm focussing on now so I will list all the things tat went right yesterday - starting with the McK check list

I listened to the CD
I ate slowly and conciosly and what I really wanted and enjoyed every mouthful - with the result I didn't overeat the chinese takeaway. We have lad left for another meal
I moved my body by taking a walk during my lunch hour
I thought positive by starting to write doen what I CAN do at work rather than worrying about what I can't do. That is bound to help Emily decide what she can offer me
I rememebered to do my PFMX

On the whole I'm doing pretty well at the moment all things considered.

I didn't make an entyr in my reflective portfolio - didn't have time but I wll try and do one today

Tony loved the picture I got him, and we both got a lovely warm feeling when we heard steve take a call and say he was at 'his parents' and 'its my dads birthday' Dad - not stepdad.

My back is getting slightly more troublesome the longer I stay at work. I think I need some 'inner smile' to help deal with it - and maybe my other problems as well. Breakfast was toast, with a cocktail of Paracetamol, Ibuprofen, Lansoprazole and Movicol. The liquid doesn't leave much room for food! I may take some cereal into works with me for a midmorning snack.

I want to try and get my 3 day diary done for the inconctinence clinic starting today - I am NOT going to let my body just fall apart because I am nearer 60 than 50. I am in charge of my health - and I know what to do.

Happy Birthday Tony

That sums up what today is about. Steve will be round later and we will be having a takeaway tonight to celebrate.

Thanks to the McKenna plan a takeaway doesn't mean guilt for falling off a diet. It means I know I will not overeat.

I realised my discipline did fall in one respect yesterday, I forgot the ******pfm excercises. But I've realised I can do them sitting at the pc at work. I think I eed to get them OUT of the ome environment so when I am at home I dn't have to think about them.

I am lookin forward to work intellectually - but physically finding it challenging. This week will be my first full week in over 8 months. I guess I have to expect a certain amount of tiredness. But could I manage full time work f I was primarily desk bound? I think I could and that gives me reason to be optimistic.

Discipline

I have decided displine is the key to acheiving what I want. Today I have been disciplined. I managed my food well, I managed some quiet time, I made an entry in my relective portfolio, and I am making a second blog entry.

I did a full day at work and I am now very tired. Work went OK though.

The only thing I am NOT doing well is excercise - except I have been walking up the tairs to get to my ward, so that must count for something.

Can I keep the discipline going for the next 2 or 3 days?

A quick look back

I can't carry on with this without reflecting on the disastrous events f the weekend. I had a HUGE row with Edna when I losy my patience with her 'I don't want to bother anyone' 'Nothings to work anyway' and finally 'Well I don't think they care anyway' Implication was nobody cares - and I lost it. I realised on Sunday that she is depressed and doesn't feel she is worth caring about. Been there done that, got the T shirt. I now have to work out how to mend my fences with her and get her to get the help she needs.

I didn't listen to McK last night - couldn't settle. I've also had a bad night so I'm quite tired this morning bt I am positive about work, positive about food, and positive that I can turn my health problems round without resorting to medication.

So we will see what happens during the day!

New beggining - I hope

Well I managed a full day at work, managed to manage my food, but forgot to do my pelvic floor excercises at lunchtime. But I DID start my reflective CPD journal - so on the whole a good day I think.

I am very tired though.

I will do my PFM excercises tonight in bed -I did some this morning before I got up.
I have resitsed biscuits - becasue I am not really hungry. I was given a kick up the bakside when my BP came in at 168/89 this morning. I know its due to all the stress I have been under - but I must get control of that stress. So tonight I am going to get back to sing the McKEnna tracks. I do NOT want to end up on anti-hypetensives, OR a statin - or anyting else to correct lifetyle problems.

I AM IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE AND MY HEALTH

Memory lapse

I forgot to make any entry yesterday. The highlight of yesterday was an appointment at the incontinence clinic and the introduction of formal pelvic floor muscle excercises 3 times a day plus i have to keep a diary of drinks and loo visits for 3 days.

Anyway where are we this morning? Well I'm not at work, but today I have my first spinal rehab class which I decided to do as something positive to take control of one problem aspect in my life. I did my PFM excrcises i bed this morning, will do a second set at lucnchtime and a 3 rd set in bed this evening. I worked out the schedule yesterday and am deternined to stick to it. On Monday I have a helath check at the doctors to assess my risk of CV disease. I jst hope that doesn't end up with me on statin, ACEI etc. I know they will tell me to lose weight.

So back to the original purpose of this blog - the weight loss programme. This morning I realied I was eating breakfast even though I wasn't really hungry. So I must get control of my eating again. I know why it slipped, but now its time to get back in control.

I AM IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE.

Tonight is Denise's inauguration and I am going to it. It will be lovely to see Denise again although I had nightmares about the drive to get to Bridgenorth. I must work out my route later.

Bedtime blogging

I guess its a good sign that I'm making another entry today. I still feel crap. I am still haunted by the way I broke down yesterday at the wrong time. Really stupid. I did get around to tellig Tony what had happened. His FB status for yesteday was fantastic. It mentioned his loved ones and hoping the day wasn't too upsetting. I know he loves us, but I am still hurt that he didn't come to the funeral with us - even though I sort of understand his reasons.

I don't know yet if I am going to work tommorrow. If I feel this bad in the morning then I won't be going, A lot will depend on if I sleep tonight.

Time to move on

Well the funeral is over. It went as well as these things ever do - excet in nearly broke down at the begginin gof the bible reading. The boys managed to act as pall bearers with great dignity, Bob read his peice wonderfully and Jane managed her bt of the bible reading. Steve found it more upsetting than he thought he would - whihc was what I expected in a way.

Today I feel tired, drained, and emotionally dead again. I have to decide if I am going to try and go to work tommorrow - but I will think about that later.

I got some shocking news via FB from Matt Goyder. Graham Evans died last week and his funeral was yesterday. He was so helpful in the aftermath of Alan's death I must contact Janet and Dale and give them our sympathies. Edna will be upset about that as well.

I am going to hand over all the paperwork about Alan's estate to Steve and tell him he now needs to take the lead. will advise/help but he needs to push things along. Reducing my rresponsibilities by one will help me cope - and he has plenty of time at the moment.

I am back to coping one day at a time. Well so be it. At the moment thats how it needs to be.

F day -3

3 days to the funeral. I just want it to be over. I am having to face the fact that Tony is not willing to come with us. He is so fed up at the moment. He has said, and I beleive him, he just wants all the crap sorted out. HOW DOES HE THINK I FEEL ABOUT IT.

Not sure how to deal with this at the moment. I am in a prime mood to have a row with someone, and since I can't argue with the people I am really upset with (Tony and Jane) I must be careful I don't have a row with someone who dosn't deserve it.I am thinking of keeping out of everyone's way today.

Jane is upsetting me because she is so endlessly busy and trying to organise me as well as everyone else, and if I'm honest I hate the over sentimental tone of the funeral. It is going to be a very religious service, with 3 hymns 3 HYMNS . Who des she think is going to sing? OK part of this is gult because Alan's funeral was organised in such a different way and I feel guity that some of things I think should have been done were not done - but that funeral was for Steve and Edna. My guilt is my problem not Jane's and I musn't transfer the feelings to Jane,

I am releived that she seems to have realised she is going to need more than a week off work to deal with her feelings. I feel sorry for Bob - but he has had years to learn how to cope with her, and I am sure he will reign her in if she goes over the top. I can understand why Steve and Tony are intimidated by him - but he does love Jane and does care for her and I can forgive him for being intimidating because he does that

I just hope the tone of the eulogy will have been left more or less as I wrote it, and she has agreed to include vs 28 for the reading - and thats the bit I am doing. So I do feel I have had some inut to the ceremony.

I really wish I could just vanish for a week then come back and find everything had been sorted out. I need to do some shopping today. I want to get a new chain for Mum's cross as I want to wear it on Tuesday and I want to look for a suitable outfit. I can always wear my black suit but I'd like a new top.

I may just take all day to do the shopping, and may just go somewhere other than Northfield - maybe Redditch ? I really don't fancy the city centre - but maybe it would be good to go there.

I need to get moving or I won't do anything.

New month - new begining

I was too tired to make an entry last night - but I did manage to work until 5.30 so it isn't that surprising.

I think expecting normality with the funeral looming ahead is probably nrealistic. Yesterday I went ofor a chat with Sue one of the chaplains. I ended up in tears of course, but Sue was very good prayed over me and annointed me with healing oils.

I've finally seen the reading Jane wants for the funeral and I don't really like it, but I guess its too late to find a new one now. But I am going to try and add a erse in. She has chosen Romans 8 25 -27 then 35 to the end. I want to add in verse 28 whihc is the only verse that speaks to me at the moment. 'or we know that all things work together for good for them that love God'

This was started as a weight lss journal to accompany my use of the Paul McKenna programme. Last time I started and ended at 14st 6. This time I know was around 15st. I weighed myself this m rning (not sure why) and I am now 14st 4 and half lbs. So something IS going right for me somewhere, despite everything.

I've been thinking of starting a reflective CPD journal so something about this bloging is getting into my psyche and making me realise how useful a journal can be. Well I DO enjoy writing after all and it ght well help me decide about my future career. However that will be done off line.

I start my spinal rehab class today. I saw Rachel yesterday and she agreed I stil fitted the criteria and o and behold the new class starts today! It was obviously meant to be. It isn't the full class today but I still think it will tax my back. I will report later tonight (or maybe tommorrow??)