Time for reflection

If I am to put yesterdays resolution into action, I need to do some reflection on 2011 in CPD style. Draw up a Personal Development Plan for the year. I have started to do this for Pharmacy. I need to do it for me reiki and hypnotherapy, and for me personally. So what do I look back on 2011 with a feeling of pride? And what can I learn from those things that I can build on in the future? Completing my hypnotherapy course and getting my certificates. Starting work as a volunteer at the hospice Joining the bank at ROH - which has enabled me to keep working when other locums have struggled Giving accurate readings - especially the moment when I told that lady she had been a mother to the younger children since she was 16 when her own mother died The information I picked up on in the cellar at the Station which later got corroborated Why do these things make me feel proud? Because they show me at my best. They show me being a carer, and a psychic with some medium ability. They also affirm that I am good at what I do. They also show me working one-to-one with people who need help - even my pharmacy work because the ROH is so small I am working one-to-one even with staff. I don;t feel swamped by being part of a huge team. I know I am valued at ROH. So what do I look on and cringe? All the procrastination. Leaving letters and emails unopened because I was worried what they would say Not keeping in touch with people like June, Rachel and Darryl Not finishing my portfolio Wasting too much time on things I don't really enjoy doing Not keeping up with the laundry Not having a house that looks like the cover of 'Home and Garden' Not having the sort of garden that would make my dad proud. Why do these make me cringe? Because they show me as being deceitful, lazy, and uncaring - in fact at my total worst and what I am worried is the 'real' me And how interesting. Nothing to do with food or my weight makes either list? And that was not planned. The lists were spontaneous.This entry is being written in the 'blog as meditation' style where I write the first thing that comes into my head. And in fact I realise I have omitted one of the biggest 'cringes' my whole relationship with the Tucker clan. I feel very strongly they cannot accept me as I am - so why should I bother. I feel a false note in my relationship with Jane. Her style of writing to me makes me cringe. And I am upset that I am persona non grata with Neal - and assume I am with Graham and Bob as well. OK so what lessons do I need to learn from all this? What can I use to help me keep my resolution to be the best me I can be? Just as I have learned to eat mindfully, I need to act mindfully as well. If I am relaxing playing tetris - make sure I am doing that because I want to - not because I am bored or have nothing better to do. If I am bored there are other things to do - like write letters to people who are not on FB. I am at my best when I have a purpose and feel I am fulfilling it. So work whether paid or voluntary makes me feel useful. But work inside the house doesn't give me the same buzz. I guess because its not helping anyone but me . Does it bother Tony if these things don't get done? Well if it did I guess he would do it...or would he? But there is no doubt keeping on top of housework and paperwork will make me feel better about myself so that is something I need to focus on. I need to know the house is fit to be seen by clients. But my spiritual approach to my hypnotherapy means I will never have the ultra clinical looking consulting room. But I can't always assume I will have spiritual clients - and my non spiritual clients may expect a more clinical look. I really have no excuse except laziness for not keeping up with the housework and the laundry. But Tony could do more than he does. Maybe I need to have a talk with him about how we divide the work up. But do I REALLY want a house that could feature on the cover of Home and Garden? Is that REALLY what I should be aiming for? The answer to that is 'no' That is coming from the part of my seeking approval from my family - a family I feel disconnected from. Tidying the house isn't going to mend the rift - if it can be mended. I do need to be more diligent about maintaining the house - and I have a man coming to clear the guttering soon. Next step will be the upstairs doors - and then maybe the kitchen floor, and the garage door. Some maintenance in the garden would be good as well. I can get that sorted. Procrastination is undoubtedly my biggest fault . I put things off and it leads to problems in a HUGE way. I do it because I am so scared of being seen to fail, of maybe having to say I am sorry, I didn't do it right. I am also scared of confrontation - thats my old fear of 'its your fault' coming out Hmmm lots to think about ..................... but for now I am going to actually do some work in the house , and then use the meditation room for its new purpose. I will also at some point do PDP's for my reiki and hypnotherapy - and maybe even for my readings as well. Surely I can spare an hour a day for my personal and spiritual development? And that would include time spent on formal CPD.That is clearly a good jumping off point for me to improve things - the beginning or a plan no less...................I like plans. I do well with plans. Plans R Us!!!