Well here I am in Cornwall. The journey down was uneventful - and I even made a relatively healthy food choice on the way down (ham egg and chips rather than pie or battered fish or a sandwich) My diet since being down here has NOT be brilliant - but yesterday was stressful with lots of driving because Steve was bleeding from his ear. The local minor injuries unit couldn't clean and inspect his ear properly so we had to go to Truro. Luckily he hasn't done any serious damage after cleaning his ear too vigorously with a cotton bud. he has NOT ruptured his ear drum. But he has t keep his ear dry for a week - so no swimming; and has to use Sofradex drops for a week. Yesterdays food included rather too much date and walnut bread, and far too many pringles. I am also stressed because I am missing Tony massively. Anyway I also haven't been eating slowly or drinking water - something I intend to correct today. But there is no doubt I am suffering from emotional hunger due to missing Tony . I have just had two pieces of toast - which I ate slowly - and I still feel hungry. Today we are off to Falmouth - and the whole day should be much more enjoyable than yesterday. Hopefully that will help me emotionally

I snacked yesterday evening. What is it about role playing sessions that brings that out in me? I can't say I was stressed as although I was TIRED, I had an amazing day at the hospice. And I enjoyed the session. It was just me and Paul so we had fun. I will deal with that after the holiday. Today I have a busy day. Shopping, the salon and maybe a home visit after 4.00. But All the signs are I will have 2 paying patients today. But that means I must get going to get the shopping done before the salon - unless I shop tomorrow morning before we go away - which is an option. Apart form the snacks last night I did well with food and did 30 minutes on the wii-fit. I MUST keep up with the 30 minutes a day in Cornwall. Time to get moving for today tho

I overslept this morning. I was awake part of the night but got back to sleep, woke about 5.30 from a weird dream, but went back to sleep to sleep again. Next thing I knew it was 7.15 and I was running late. So here I sit with coffee and breakfast as my priority. I was hungry when I woke up, I am eating it slowly, it wasn't big - but I already know I am going to be adding a slice of toast today. Hang on I haven't been eating it THAT slowly. OK time to hit the coffee, leave the bowl and see how I feel in a few minutes. I ache. Yesterday was a busy day with work and visiting Maura. I also did 30 minutes on the wii fit and hit nearly 3800 steps. No wonder I ache maybe? But I am also of ware of a great tiredness from rushing. I feel the need to slow down. Truth be told today could potentially be a very rushed day with all the driving and 2 home visits. Roll on tomorrow!! Food yesterday was OK - although stress sent to me nibble some chocolates that had been left out. But I ate it slowly, drank plenty of water, and I know I didn't hit them as hard as I once would have done. Yesterdays stress came from the fact that I discovered an error made the senor technician/dispensary manager. Its discovery raises a whole can or worms as the Chief Pharmacist is unsure about the technicians role anyway. But on talking to another pharmacist we are agreed Pam makes quite a few errors simply because she is trying to do too much. Yet again I am wondering about my future there - and whether I really want to have one. I find I have lots of ideas for how things could be improved - so my pharmacy head is still firmly on it seems. Plus point sof yesterday. I drank plenty of water, my snacking was right down,I haven't had a biscuit at home for over a week - mainly because I haven't wanted one. Taking note of my instinctive reaction to food is helpful. BTW the dinner `i pre cooked was less than successful sadly - but at least it meant my dinner was small! Part of me is tempted to step on the scales..........................

Dealing with stress

yesterday at work was much better than Friday - but still had its stress points - some of them triggered by the same things as Friday. I managed to avoid the food response to the same extent. My eating was MUCH more under control because I decided to send a polite e-mail to the bosses outlining the source of my stresses - which really come down to the crappiest PMR/labelling system EVER .Possibly made worse by the person who is normally in charge of adjusting the labels on the system - Pam. Pam is a major source of stress to me because she finds a real problem delegating and focussing. But I got through yesterday without over indulgence in the biscuits and chocolates scattered around the wards and department.I did NOT eat all the stuff I had taken with me for lunch, and dinner was 3 slices of pizza - nothing else. I didn't WANT any biscuits in the evening even tho Tony had one. I also drank water. And I did 30 minutes on the wii fit. Today I am VERY organised because the evening meal is cooking as I type this - a stew. My lunch for work is done, and all I have to do is have breakfast and get dressed. Plus some meditation time would be fabulous and I do have a chance to fit that in in the hour and a half remaining. As ever this blog is a form of meditation anyway. I think I can say I am feeling in control again today

Old memories

Today I ended up recounting the events of March 2008 to one of the girls at work. I found it VERY upsetting and ended up in tears. Not floods of tears - really not much more than moist eyes - but enough to remind me how much I am affected by these memories. Part of me thinks I should be immune to it now. Part of me thinks I should be over it. It worries me a little what it means that the memories cans till affect me so much. I either need some therapy - or some meditation to help me sort out what I need to learn from the situation - then I can hopefully move on.

Geting ready for the holiday

Yippee!! Steve and I go on holiday on Friday. I will miss Tony but I SO need this break. So I sit here on a chilly Monday morning feeling positive. I nearly always do on a Monday - its towards the end of the week that it all goes pear shaped. As it did last Friday BIG time Work was one big stress point - very frustrating all day. And I ended up eating all the wrong sort of stuff in the wrong sort of way when I wasn't hungry. In some ways this job is very bad for my health!!! But I picked myself up, dusted myself down, reviewed my self image and saw myself as a battler refusing to give up. So over the weekend things went OK foodwise - including yesterday at the game. Tony treated us to some chocolate bars and mine is still in its wrapper. I didn't want it! Plus the packet of sweets is still more or less intact. The Dorito's got git tho - but Tony finished the pack off -not me. It really IS getting better. Exercise is on track. I am still using the wii fit . Infact on Saturday I went swimming, and then did 20 minutes wii fit JOGGING. And I have been seeing adverts for the sport relief mile and thinking .....shall I??? I am still focussing on eating slowly, and drinking water. (which also went pear shaped on Friday - and hasn't been that brilliant over the weekend if I am honest) I still have my lemony water in the fridge. Tony had a spat with 886 last week. He got upset and was talking about quitting. However he didn't - and over the weekend he FINALLY broke his duck and got his first caller of 2012 - and it was a good one. he enjoyed being back in the saddle and has cheered up immensely. The group seems to be going OK. I have had another request for a CD. And one of Paula's regulars is interested in having some reiki so things are looking up there as well. Plus there may be an opportunity for ME to do telephone psychic work from home. I spotted it while Tony was in the middle of his 886 problems - so it seemed serendipitous. And it pays better than 886 too. But a lot would depend on how much time they need from each reader. Plus they demand a test of 2 readings not just the one. I did a reading via FB over the weekend - ad the ominous silence has me thinking I was way off the mark. Well we will see.. So I am positive. motivated, looking forward to the walk across the park (even if I am less enamoured of what waits at the other end of the walk) I feel in control of my life - and of my food intake. This is a good start to the week

After a bad couple days with food and exercise this morning I am feeling more positive no doubt helped greatly by the fact I have a very easy day today up at the salon. And since I need to combine it with a shopping trip I can even justify using the car! Slow eating went by the board yesterday. With two home visits I felt very rushed - and I did find the day tiring - but worthwhile. So I will have some breakfast in a bit - I am feeling hungry this morning. I have lunch and healthy snacks packed for up at the salon - and loads of carrots in the cupboard. I will also take some time to make some carrot sticks.

Keeping motivation

I am very tired this morning. Work at the hospital has been tough, and I have been called on to do a lot of emotional supporting in various ways over the past few days. I enjoy doing it - but it drains me - and I have just realised I have forgotten a very basic psychic rule to invoke psychic protection. HOW could I have been so stupid? Arghhh. OK so I MUST protect today. I know its going to be emotionally draining. My mantra before each treatment must be 'protect and ground' Yet again the act of blogging helps me clear my thoughts. I have realised my daily skincare routine has become just that - routine. So I either need to re-frame it to get back its L'Oreal moment feel - or find something new. Yesterday I even managed not to drink any lemony water. So this morning I have put fresh lemon in the water that sat in the fridge all yesterday - and am slowly sipping it. I am am hungry so I do need to eat before I shower - but I only have an hour to get ready. Meditation will have to wait. i am bound to have some quite time at the hospice before I start treatments. OK I think I have got to the root of why I am feeling so down this morning. I am still eating slowly, but I am still 'snacking' however in much smaller quantities. Daily use of the wii fit is now routine - and I am determined to find ways to fit exercise in while we are on holiday. Some lovely walks round the grounds m? I may even use the gym..............well thats a big maybe!!

Slow eating

I have bene focussing on this for 3 days now and it is getting easier. I haven't always left food on my plate, but I did notice a massive reduction in my RPG inspired snacking - especially on my consumption of sweets. And yesterday I didn't get up until midday so was a bit short on time for everything I needed to do. So instead of 30 minutes step basics I did 10 minutes free jogging. Wheee- back to jogging!!!! And there was never any question of NOT using the wii fit yesterday. I am taking a cereal bar and 2 pieces of fruit in to work with me so if I get hungry I have something I am quite likely to look at and think yum. I may also take a mince pie - are maybe better one of the packs from the graze box. I feel in control of my eating and exercise again. I am not going to try and add any knew habits until the slow eating - and the water which has also gone well - really are past the tipping point. I think I can stay at this point until after I come back from holiday. Its 8.15 and I need to leave for work in an hour. I overslept today so am in a bit of a rush. I want to meditate, I must shower and dress. I am not yet hungry so I HAVE to leave breakfast - unless I pack some and take it with me to eat later? Or will my snacks keep me going though the day? I will decide later. My meditation is as important as my food!!!

Eating slowly

Well I really tried hard with this yesterday. I couldn't finish my breakfast. Unfortunately because I was planning to meet Helen for lunch I didn't take any food with me to work and it all started to go a bit pear shaped.I felt hungry - but had nothing to hand that I fancied. so I had to choose a nibble from what was available in the department - and M and S crunchy rice crispy based thing . I ate that slowly after drinking some water while I was en route to a ward. When I got back at 11.30 I knew I wouldn't last until lunchtime so went to the canteen hoping for some toast - but was too late. So I picked a packet of Kettle crisps and a slice of cake. I still have half the cake. I actually really enjoyed the crisps. Unlike the cheap crisps you CAN crunch and savour them. Lunchtime (Helen couldn't make it in the end) was curry no rice and a naan. I couldn't finish it - partly because I ran out of time with only 30 minutes for lunch, but I wasn't hungry any more. When I got home I was hungry - and Tony was having technical problems with email attachments that made him rather grumpy. He couldn't make up his mind what he wanted to eat. I kept myself going with a mince pie - eaten not as slowly as I would have liked. Finally he said he would do himself something later. Now I hate cooking for one - and by that time I was hungry and needed something fast. I settled on cheese on toast - made from the crusty bread - with baked beans. I really REALLY enjoyed it and couldn't finish it. During the evening another mince pie got consumed, Then Tony(who by this time had recovered) realised there was enough yule log left for a small slice each. Was I really hungry? Ermmmmm - maybe not. Did I eat it slowly? yes. Did I enjoy it??? Oh boy yes I did!! OK so I have 3 days a week when work will make slow eating a bit of a problem - BUT THE OTHER FOUR DAYS IT SHOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM. I need to get into the habit of carrying healthy snacky stuff I can properly enjoy. Fruit is the obvious choice. When I really fancy fruit I will slow my eating down. Crunchy cereal bars are another option. The packets from the 'Graze' box would also be useful, Maybe I also need to start keeping carrot sticks with me as well. Again is I fancy them I will eat them slowly. I have been eating my breakfast (one weetabix, dried fruit and fromage frais) as I have been typing this. I have finished it - and just drunk some water. Part of me still feels hungry - but I don't think I am so I will resist the temptation to make some toast until I have finished my lemony water. (Bless you Lindsey for that idea! Today is a chillax day. If I get hungry I can just what I want to eat - although the ghost hunt tonight may prove an interesting challenge. I normnally take nibbles since staying awake until 2.00am is an unnatural state for me!! OK wat about everything else? I have 2 more CD's to do for group members, I want to investigate getting some glossy stuff from Vistaprint, I want to get back to my portfolio,I want meditate. I want to have a bath.............. woahhhhh girl s,ow down!! It can't all be done at once. Visatprint , while I am waiting to see if I am going to do some toast, then the bath, and let my mind wander to see if I can et any useful insights about what the universe wants me to know. Then I can work on the CD's. Sounds like a plan to me!

I have suggested to all the members of my FB group that they all pick a habit they want to change, whether its a change in how they eat what they eat or how they think and go public. I have picked eating slowly, because I KNOW its a habit that would really help me. I have had no problems with 'moving my body' this week. I have used the wii fit every day. I even used it yesterday evening, even though I had been swimming in the morning and was frankly quite tired after a long day. Yesterday was a bad food day tho. I had to rush out to get to the pool on time and ended up not getting a proper breakfast and it all went downhill from there. I ended up eating eccles cakes as I drove home after giving Anne a reiki treatment. I wasn't that hungry in the car - but I knew they were there and I was tired after a frustrating day with no real interest up at the salon. But Paula was VERY positive about the effects of her reiki last week - and has blocked off an hour next Thursday to make SURE she gets a treatment next week. So she really HAS found it beneficial. I need glossy leaflets to give to the customers up there to promote reiki. I also need glossy posters to go on the walls. Vistaprint here I come

So far so good. The wii fit has been used 3 days in a row - first time for some time if I am honest. Although last night it was only 20 minutes. I did toy with the idea of adding a bit of jogging o to the end last night - but on balance decided against it as we DID have a game last night. The lemon slices in wayet idea that one of the group members came up with is brilliant. The small amount of effort involved pays dividends on so many levels including tiny little L"Oreal moments when I sip it. All I need now is a way to lemon it outside the house. This morning I am going swimming, then up to the salon, then over to Solihull for a paid reiki session (my hospice patient who is poorly ) It means I have a problem. I must get going or I will be late - but I don't feel hungry so what can I do about breakfast? THATS the down point with Paul's rules when you know you won't have access to food when you are hungry. I have a cereal bar packed but that won't be enough and I don't have much time to sort it out. GOT to get moving pdq

The day from hell

Work was DIRE yesterday. To the point where I can almost see myself just walking out if things don't improve, We have a staff meeting today - and I may just voice my feelings. But despite that it was a good day. I upped my consumption of water and my exercise went through the roof. As well as walking to from and round work, I used the wii fit. I did thirty (yes 30!) minutes step aerobics and hit 3600 steps. I haven't done that many steps for WEEKS.Clearly starting the FB group has given me the right focus - or a kick up the backside. I have 'gone public' in a big way and feel I must deliver . There are some really unhappy people in the group tho who I would love to help with some counselling - but it would need to be face-to-face and that probably isn't possible. But we will see. Skype is a wonderful thing. So today I am going to try and build on my success with water yesterday and practice eating slowly. In fact i will focus on that for the rest of the week. Part of me wants to jump on the scales. Is my fear of doing so sensible, or just me procrastinating? I have been trying hard to avoid procrastination as well. The laundry is SO under control its unbelievable. I have contacted the man who did the guttering to ask about having the doors upstairs sorted out, and the bathrooms have never been quite so clean. So what will I gain if I step on the scales? at this stage nothing really. Much better to focus on chnaging some bad habits into good ones - and weigh myself on Feb 29th. There thats it I have a plan!

Like Topsy it just growed.....

My FB group has acquired a life of its own. 35 members and counting, and I have 2 CD's all ready to be posted this morning. Friends are adding their friends and family to the group, and I have been told by some people that they already feel more motivated and hopeful than they have before. I feel quite humbled by it all. BUT it has meant O've spent a lot of time on the laptop so my exercise has gone right down over the weekend. I didnt even use the wii fit. Never mind. I sit here at the start of the first normal week for a month, feeling VERY motivated and positive. I'm working at the Orthpaedic Hospital today so exercise won't be a problem with all the walking I do. Also I do better with water on ROH days. I can have a mug by me on the dispensing bench. Can I Manage a quick visit to the gym at the hospital??? Probably not but I may surprise myself. I know I am not following Paul's 4 rules fully - mainly I don't eat slowly enough. And I still eat when I am not hungry. I think the real problem is I am not really motivated to lose weight.I still have the self image 'I am fat' firmly stuck in there and am unable to get it out. I am VERY motivated to be healthy which is why the exercise issue has been an easy one to solve. Well its a big thank you to the group for focussing my thoughts on it and enabling me to understand that. Another thing that has been neglected is my meditation. And that is something I DO know how to deal with, and WILL address before I go to work today

I managed to slip over 4 times in 2 minutes coming home from work on Tuesday and it shook me up a bit. Its taken me a couple of days to get over it - and they have ben busy days as well. Wednesday I was at the hospice, and yesterday was my first day peddling my reiki at the salon - and yesterday I went swimming with Margaret too so I have been a bit bust to post. I have also taken on another role - and I am not sure if its going be a brilliant move - or a total disaster. I have created a Fb group to help support some of my friends - and some of their friends as well - to lose weight. I want to use it to get some NLP concepts across to help them succeed. But it is time consuming - far more so than I first thought it would be. But it will be inetresting to see if it helps ME as well.

The best pharmacist I can be

Today its back to work at the hospital - and I am not looking forward to it. But I am not sitting here dreading it either. I will clearly always have some pharmacy work - and clearly I NEED it on a number of different levels. I really MUST get my CPD up and running well asap this year.And I am actually looking forward to the intellectual challenge of that. How interesting. Now shall I use the wii fit today? Probbaly not before I go to work - I have too much to do- and I don't need for exercise. But I need to get into the habit of logging my non wii-fit exercise. I need to meditate, shower, eat breakfast and dress in the next 75 minutes. I need to get a move on NO PROCRASTINATION

The best me I can be

Well I made a good start yesterday. I sorted out the laundry (didn't leave it) I paid the tax man his 100.00, sorted out a load of paper work, and investigated how to close my Limited company (all things I had been putting off. Looking back I realise that although I wasn't focussing on food or exercise I didn't pig out, and did use the wii fit. I also did some CPD for hypnotherapy and reiki - swell PDP's for both at least. I like the idea of a personal development plan for my life and CPD standing for Continual Personal Development. I really do think I've hit on something with this idea. I was also rewarded by the man I had contacted about the guttering contacting me - and he is going to ring today to make an appointment to come round and do it. If he's any good I will ask him about the doors upstairs. *********************** I took an unexpected break there. I needed the loo and ended up cleaning it and making it look fit to be seen by strangers.It was a case of 'Well I might as well do it while I am in here'I am MUCH happier with how it looks now. I wonder if Tony will notice? Lets wait and see! But I DIDN'T PROCRASTINATE It also spilled over into the kitchen and I have sorted out the recycling.That is something I have always tried to keep on top of tho. One interesting little health snippet occurs to me as well. Yesterday my IBS was heading the wrong way and I was thinking I would be needing the movicol. But this morning I realised it seems to have gone into reverse. Its ALMOST as if by letting go of my targets and trying to build excellence into my life I have been able to 'let go' in other ways as well . I apologise if that is in the area of TMI for some readers!! I have just spotted the time - and have had the melancholy thought that this time tomorrow I will be at work. And my intention was to be heading up to Northfield by this time this morning. But I am still in my kaftan, eating my breakfast. Hey ho thats life!! I'd better wait until the man rings about the guttering or Tony is awake so he can take the call before I go anyway. And if I don't go it doesn't matter.

Time for reflection

If I am to put yesterdays resolution into action, I need to do some reflection on 2011 in CPD style. Draw up a Personal Development Plan for the year. I have started to do this for Pharmacy. I need to do it for me reiki and hypnotherapy, and for me personally. So what do I look back on 2011 with a feeling of pride? And what can I learn from those things that I can build on in the future? Completing my hypnotherapy course and getting my certificates. Starting work as a volunteer at the hospice Joining the bank at ROH - which has enabled me to keep working when other locums have struggled Giving accurate readings - especially the moment when I told that lady she had been a mother to the younger children since she was 16 when her own mother died The information I picked up on in the cellar at the Station which later got corroborated Why do these things make me feel proud? Because they show me at my best. They show me being a carer, and a psychic with some medium ability. They also affirm that I am good at what I do. They also show me working one-to-one with people who need help - even my pharmacy work because the ROH is so small I am working one-to-one even with staff. I don;t feel swamped by being part of a huge team. I know I am valued at ROH. So what do I look on and cringe? All the procrastination. Leaving letters and emails unopened because I was worried what they would say Not keeping in touch with people like June, Rachel and Darryl Not finishing my portfolio Wasting too much time on things I don't really enjoy doing Not keeping up with the laundry Not having a house that looks like the cover of 'Home and Garden' Not having the sort of garden that would make my dad proud. Why do these make me cringe? Because they show me as being deceitful, lazy, and uncaring - in fact at my total worst and what I am worried is the 'real' me And how interesting. Nothing to do with food or my weight makes either list? And that was not planned. The lists were spontaneous.This entry is being written in the 'blog as meditation' style where I write the first thing that comes into my head. And in fact I realise I have omitted one of the biggest 'cringes' my whole relationship with the Tucker clan. I feel very strongly they cannot accept me as I am - so why should I bother. I feel a false note in my relationship with Jane. Her style of writing to me makes me cringe. And I am upset that I am persona non grata with Neal - and assume I am with Graham and Bob as well. OK so what lessons do I need to learn from all this? What can I use to help me keep my resolution to be the best me I can be? Just as I have learned to eat mindfully, I need to act mindfully as well. If I am relaxing playing tetris - make sure I am doing that because I want to - not because I am bored or have nothing better to do. If I am bored there are other things to do - like write letters to people who are not on FB. I am at my best when I have a purpose and feel I am fulfilling it. So work whether paid or voluntary makes me feel useful. But work inside the house doesn't give me the same buzz. I guess because its not helping anyone but me . Does it bother Tony if these things don't get done? Well if it did I guess he would do it...or would he? But there is no doubt keeping on top of housework and paperwork will make me feel better about myself so that is something I need to focus on. I need to know the house is fit to be seen by clients. But my spiritual approach to my hypnotherapy means I will never have the ultra clinical looking consulting room. But I can't always assume I will have spiritual clients - and my non spiritual clients may expect a more clinical look. I really have no excuse except laziness for not keeping up with the housework and the laundry. But Tony could do more than he does. Maybe I need to have a talk with him about how we divide the work up. But do I REALLY want a house that could feature on the cover of Home and Garden? Is that REALLY what I should be aiming for? The answer to that is 'no' That is coming from the part of my seeking approval from my family - a family I feel disconnected from. Tidying the house isn't going to mend the rift - if it can be mended. I do need to be more diligent about maintaining the house - and I have a man coming to clear the guttering soon. Next step will be the upstairs doors - and then maybe the kitchen floor, and the garage door. Some maintenance in the garden would be good as well. I can get that sorted. Procrastination is undoubtedly my biggest fault . I put things off and it leads to problems in a HUGE way. I do it because I am so scared of being seen to fail, of maybe having to say I am sorry, I didn't do it right. I am also scared of confrontation - thats my old fear of 'its your fault' coming out Hmmm lots to think about ..................... but for now I am going to actually do some work in the house , and then use the meditation room for its new purpose. I will also at some point do PDP's for my reiki and hypnotherapy - and maybe even for my readings as well. Surely I can spare an hour a day for my personal and spiritual development? And that would include time spent on formal CPD.That is clearly a good jumping off point for me to improve things - the beginning or a plan no less...................I like plans. I do well with plans. Plans R Us!!!