Who am I

A very deep title - and it is inspired by my idea for a simple New Year resolution - to be the best possible 'me' that I can. But that means I need to be sure who 'I' am and be confident about what the universe needs from me. Yesterday one of those 'copy and paste' statuses was going round on FB. It was along the lines of I don't care if you are fat or thin rich or poor if you are my friend I accept you as you are. I copied and pasted it - and found myself DO tempted to comment underneath that I was grateful for being accepted as fat, not intelligent.....etc etc. I didn't because I realised I would be doing it only to get re-assrance that none of things mattered - and also I knew it would upset Tony. OK I was feeling down yesterday because I had a cold - but it still shocked me that I had that impulse. And it was THAT, that inspired my simple - but all encompassing' New Year Resolution. So who am "I" This is really CYLI7D territory at 101 level - but lets roll with it. As I type the news is showing a montage of famous people who have died this year - so lets start with the question 'What do I want as my epitaph' 'She cared' sums it up I think. I want people to know that I care about my work, my family, the world. But to truly care about others - I need to care for myself as well. It would really upset me to be thought uncaring - and thats a good sign that I worry I am not caring enough. It is also a sign that I am defining myself too much in terms of how other people see me. I need to care for them if they are going to care for me. I am sure there is some fruitful regression material there if I chose to use it. But knowing why I feel a need to be cared for doesn't help me change my behaviour.So lets focus on the solution rather the problem. I need to be confident I AM a caring person. What can I do to enhance that image in my mind? It says a lot for reiki has come to dominate my life that I am also thinking in terms of the 5 principles and asking' what do I worry about' what makes me angry' Am I honest and hardworking' Am I humble and respectful' 'Am I compassionate' Its really quite simple - to be the best 'me' I can - all I have to do is really put the reiki principles at the heart of my life - and the rest will follow. I thought this blog entry would be rather long - but it has suddenly crystallised. I need to live them so it becomes automatic. I remember a consultant once telling us that clinical governance wasn't something you did as a tick box exercise - it was something built in. If you had to think abut it you were not doing it. That memory has been with a lot lately in relation to some of my pharmacy experiences - but I now think it has been brought to my mind for this purpose to show me the next step on my journey. Reflection is always prevalent at New Year - but of course this a significant new year for me as in about 2 month I will turn 60. and the big '0' birthdays always promote reflection. What have I done, what am I going to do that sort of thing. So this new year I am not going define success next year in terms of weight loss,how much and how well I meditate, whether I can see and feel the energy, whether I become a master reiki teacher, whether.....but I think I have made myself clear. But if I am going to define success in terms of being the best 'me' I can I still need to know who 'I' am. I am a carer. How long have been that? How long have I been saying I am a pharmacist by profession - but a healer/carer all my life? Does it matter WHY I need to see myself as a healer/carer? No. All that matters is that every day I what I can to be the best possible healer/carer that I can be. And that starts with caring for myself and loving myself enough to care for myself properly. So although I have HOPES for 2012 in terms of my personal health ,work and family, they will only happen if I RESOLVE to follow the path the universe and I have laid out for myself. Happy 2012 to anyone who reads this entry. I hope the New Year brings you everything you hope for

Its blog as meditation this morning. I am back at work today after the holidays and not feeling too bright as I have a slight cold, and we have a major problem with Tony's laptop - made worse because he has lost the link to the log-in for the psychic tv station as a result of the problems. He knows that is his OWN fault -and it made him very grumpy while we attempted to sort his laptop out. Its not a major problem - but it FEELS like a major problem - like the fact that I feel so fat at the moment FEELS like a massive problem. But at one level I know neither of them are. So I need a plan to deal with them.I need to feel 'in control' As an aside the principle of 'do not anger' is all about control. Its funny I like to feel I am 'in control' but don't want to be the one taking all the decisions. Now that is something to think about. OK lets deal with feeling fat first. Its quite simple I need to ELMM. That doesn't mean ignoring all the Christmas leftovers. It means eating when I am hungry, eating what I want and eating slowly. Thats the EL bit. MM? Well I am back at work. I will naturally move more. So that just needs some common sense. The laptop......hmmmm I do feel the need to get Tony back to the tv station asap. Once he has the link sent to his email he can log in on my laptop. Do we need to rush around and buy him a new one? Probably not. Maybe this is the excuse I need for an iPad!!! NNNOOO that would be silly!. Do we really NEED 2 laptops? DShould we just buy Tony a cheap low spec laptop JUST to use for the 886 log-ins? I can't decide about that by myself. I need to know whether his laptop can be mended and that means contacting the engineer. But do I do it or leave it to Tony? I need to leave it to Tony. In fact I have just made sure Tony has access to both the phone numbers. So apart from feeling fat, a bit off because of my cold, and a bit off because of the laptop issue, what else am I feeling this morning? I am not especially hungry so haven't eaten. I can't say I am looking forward to work - but I am not shying away from the thought of it. I am even thinking of using the CPD website and doing a new PDP for 2012 during my lunch. I guess that is another sort of meditation - but one focussed on work. I have to start at 9.30 now Pritti has gone on maternity leave. So I need to get into a new routine. Will this include using the gym and treadmill at work? Well that would take care of the MM bit! But part of me is thinking - not today. These are strange days between Christmas and New Year. Not normal. My brain seems to be using the time to take stock, make plans, make sure 2012 works out as it should for us. Hunger intruded as I was writing. I have breakfast of one shredded wheat, a fresh orange and fromage frais. My body doesn't want the high carbohydrate load its had over the past few days. I think thats the knack - listening to my body about food and exercise. I am really enjoying the breakfast - but not really eating it slowly. Thats partly because I am suddenly very aware I have to get showered and dressed to be ready to go out in less than 45 minutes. I need to get moving

I was really chilled about Christmas, christmas cooking and all the preparations for the big day. I decided if if we hadn't got it we didn't need it. And if it wasn't done it didn't matter. Dinner got perfectly cooked, with nothing forgotten or burned. Triumph!!! The only slight fly in the ointment is I seem to have a slight cold. Nothing too bad tho. So here I sit half way between celebrations, contemplating the reality of life in 2012, feeling fat. feeling really RALLY fat in a way that only someone who struggles with their weight will understand. But amazingly still positive! I don't feel a failure, I don't feel I am bad person, I am just trying to work out how to get on top of the issue in a sensible way. I haven't jumped on the scale I have NO plans to go 'on a diet' I am thinking about how to increase my exercise. I did 30 minutes step aerobics on the wii fit yesterday much to my surprise. And I am thinking about fitting the treadmill at work into my routines more - for running not walking. It would mean leaving home half an earlier( or leaving work half an hour later which isn't an option at this time of year) Maybe fitting in the gym on the days I DON'T work at the hospital would be more useful. After all I do 'move my body' quite a lot on hospital days already. Back to my thoughts on how to stop feeling fat. I am sitting here looking at 3 bowls of fruit and thinking I need to detox with a fresh fruit and water for a day or two before New Years Eve. I am actually hungry so I have grabbed a banana and a satsuma for breakfast. The trouble is bananas last less than a minute . Eating slowly isn't really an option. And I know when I've eaten both pieces of fruit I will still feel hungry. Eating a satsuma slowly is easier. And I am enjoying it. But was the fruit really what I WANTED to eat? OR since Paul's method hasn't been a spectacular success for me, am I being an idiot for trying the same thing and expecting different results? How motivated am I REALLY to lose weight? And why? Now there's an interesting couple of questions. Maybe I need a good therapist to help me sort out my thoughts! Or maybe I just need to look inside me for the answers. I never expected this entry to be so deep and thoughtful. i thought it was going to be an upbeat entry on the plans I was making to exercise more. It isn't downbeat by any means. i do feel optimistic. I do feel in control- but optimistic about what? And in control of what? I guess the answer to that is I feel in control of my life - and ultimately that is the most important thing.

Gosh over a week since I posted anything. It has been so busy - and I had some 9.00 am starts whihc robbed me of the time to blog and meditate. 9.30 is my default start time - not 10.00. Pritti has gone on maternity leave early since she is at risk of giving birth early they think. Work are hoping I will do 9.30 until 4.30. I will see how it goes. If the 4.20 finish is too much I will pull it back to 4.00. I haven't meditated properly for a week either. I am as ready as I can be for Christmas - and have even managed to fit in getting the car serviced and getting my hair cut as well as the shopping. I was meant to giving Anne reiki on Wednesday morning. Sadly she was too ill - and departure for Cornwall has been delayed again. I have a horrible feeling that Cornwall isn't going to happen. Even worse I have a horrible feeling she may well die over the holiday period. I do hope I am wrong. There is a lot of sadness about at the moment. Tyler's Dad died totally unexpectedly on Wednesday. We had arranged to go and see them tonight - and that is still going ahead. Rachel says it will do him god to see us - but I won;t be wishing them 'Happy Christmas' I heard 'In the Bleak Midwinter' on the radio on Wednesday . Luckily I was just pulling into park because I was reminded about Edna - and I found I was very close to tears. On brighter note I have heard from denise (the chaplain) and from Rachel Sprason. I lost their numbers when I lost my phone . It is so good to be back in touch. I hope we can find a way to meet up in 2012. Tony is doing well as a tv psychic - an occupation Jane has sadly decided to ignore. I sent her an email which included that piece of information. The return email came quickly - but commented on all the OTHER bits and ignored that entirely. I need to think what I want to do about my relationship with Jane - but that is for the new year. But that is for later. For the moment I am just so pleased Tony is enjoying so much - even tho there are times when he logs on and doesn't get a single call. We now have a phone with a headset to make things easier for him. Life is changing again as we approach the end of 2011. That means I am changing again. I need to make the changes positive and healthy. But am I changing in response to the changes in my life - or the changes happening because I have changed? Hmmm And as far as food is concerned - well I haven't spent fantastic amounts of money on Christmas food - but we do have a lot of less than healthy But it is a holiday after all. I am actually quite confident I won't over indulge and put on loads of weight. I will enjoy my food however. last night I had crusty bread and brie - but I found I only wanted one slice - not the 2 or 3 I would have had in the past. Apart from dreading work today - which could be manic if lots of patients need to be discharged today - things are good and positive. 2011 is ending well I think

Today I have done a hypnotherapy session - and she will be coming back for more. her Mum is interested in reiki, and Monday I have another reiki client over in Solihull. I have eaten moderately and slowly today -and last night I was told I looked as if I had lost weight. I have all the Xmas - just need to do some wrapping. It feels as if everything is working out............... :-)))))))

Unwanted baggage

I have had a number of indications that I have a lot of unwanted baggage I need to identify and dump. This includes my thoughts about the causes of my IBS and bladder issues, my hypnotherapy session with Clare, and today I pulled the 8 of cups from my deck. Of course this could be an indication I am leaving my pharmacy role behind - but my immediate thought was I need to leave behind unhelpful thoughts and attitudes. So can I identify this excess baggage? Lets see My excess weight My lack of self confidence My quest for perfection My guilt about Alan/Edna My guilt about Steve My guilt about my relationship with Jane and the Tuckers My automatic assumption that if anything goes wrong it MUST be my fault And probably a lot more but.......... They all stem from my lack of self confidence - which in turn comes form my self image. It would be easy to say that my excess is the cause of my poor self image - but is it? Its more likely its a symptom of my poor self image. Why am I having these thoughts now? Well things are looking up from Krystal Wolf - and this could be preparing me for greater things in the new year - opportunities which I won't take advantage of if I don't clear up my self image? Clare gave me a key word I think. She was talking about my inner strength. So I need to see my strength in situations . I do not have a poor self image because I am fat - I am fat because my poor self image made me feel I wasn't worth bothering with. It doesn't matter where my poor self image comes from - all that matters is that I deal with it. Weak = failure - strong = success. Weak = being scared to do things because of fear of failure - strong = having the courage to act in confidence. Weakness = failure - strength means using the feedback! On one level I know I am strong - look back at everything that has happened over the past 3 years. I survived it intact. That took strength. Why am I scared to be strong? Is it because I can only tap into that strength in times of trouble? Now there's an interesting thought. I equate strength with trouble. LOTS to think about there.............

WOW

Yesterday goes down as a red letter day. Tony is now employed by Psychic Today on channel 886. Tony also got paid for a private email reading he gave via FB. And I have a hypnotherapy client booked for Thursday evening. All I can say us wow!!! Steve hasn't heard about the job - they have more candidates to interview today. But he feels the fact he knows about locum agencies and pharmacy helps. He also knows he was a lot faster on the typing test they gave him thatn the girl who went in before him. he did his best - and all he can do is wait. An additional wow comes the fact that the form finally got sorted out to get me on the right pay scale at the Orthopedic Hospital. I have been underpaid by 4.00 per hour since I started there in July. The back pay will be nice. - around 1000.00 I think I won't get it until the new year - but I may get the proper rate on the pay slip I will get before Xmas. Another wow comes from the fact that the hypnotherapy client found my card at the surgery - and the GP told her hypnotherapy would be good for her problem. So I sit here this morning feeling good - if fat. For some reason I feel REALLY fat today - but I don't care. My IBS is OK ish, my cystitis is OK , Krystal Wolf has taken a huge step forward, Tony is on cloud 9 - and hasn't yet come down. I know this euphoria can't last - but I do feel a HUGE corner has been turned. We were discussing weight and health at work yesterday = and I got a chance to et on my soapbox about the obesity epidemic really being a lack of exercise epidemic and that being thin doesn't mean being fit. There was general agreement I was right. That is clearly on my mind this morning - OK I am not at what this culture would regard as my 'ideal weight' but for my age I am very healthy. In fact I wander if the actuary tablets that insurance companies use are based on the wrong thing. they are based on weight. maybe they should be based on exercise patterns!! Today I am meeting Jane in leamington. Steve is coming with me - something I am quite relieved about since that will preclude me probing exactly what I have done to upset the Tuckers. I feel I have turned into Aunt Angela from Outnumbered. The embarrassing relative that the kids dislike but the Mum feels she has to support because they are sisters. But what I AM going to make sure gets mentioned is our psychic work - something I suspect Jane is unsure about. I have the perfect anecdote to tell her, about the devout christian I gave reiki to at the hospice. I just hope we find the shops this time. I need to finish my present shopping. I have just realised I have spiritual work every day apart from today this week now. Hospice tomorrow, hypnotherapy on Thursday and on Friday I am giving an extra home treatment to one of my hospice patients. That feels good.

That Monday morning feeling

This could be an important Monday for us. Steve has a job interview, and Tony has a test reading to see if 88g want him for option 0. But I have woken with IBS discomfort - and have resorted to Movicol. Its the longest spell I have had on Movicol for some time. I need some positive visualisation to help it sort itself out. The christmas tree is up and decorated - but I still haven't finished the cards or the wrapping. I had good intentions - but it didn't work out. However I am more organised than I normally am. And I already know I am not going to be rushing around tiring myself out with too much xmas food shopping. This year we are keeping thing simple. Apart from IBS - well I am feeling OK. My cystitis seems to be as under control as it ever is. I can face wearing trousers this morning anyway. I am looking forwrad to the walk across the park - although it will be cold. Its VERY cold this morning - but at least its dry. Must check the weather forecast before I go tow work tho. Food is under control . I am eating mainly healthy stuff. I am exercising on a reasonably regular basis - and trying to do some on the days when I don't go to work. I am still rather in a holding pattern - I don't feel I am making huge strides forward - but I am not going backwards. I wonder if it would be helpful to find out if there are any food triggers for my IBS? I don't think there are - but it may be worth doing in the new year.

I exercised yesterday again. Only 20 minutes on the wii fit - but it was 20 minutes more than I had been doing. This morning I feel energised mentally. I am full of ideas for how to grow Krystal Wolf. Also at the moment I am aware of a number issues making it plain to me why I am so disenchanted with Pharmacy. I only did one treatment yesterday at the hopsice - ad it ended up being a home visit to a lady who has pancreatic cancer. While I was there her husband was sorting out her tablets into a medidose type of container. She is on SO many tablets. She is also on chemo. And she feel rotten. And today the big story on the news is a letter from a woman who went to Dignitas to die. She is berating politicians for cowardice in not amending the law here to allow assisted suicide. There were some shots of her taking medication - and it looked as if she had lots too. It isn't pharmacy I am fed up with - but the way modern medicine treats people sometimes. Polypharmacy has become a way of life - and I don;t believe it always helps. Yesterday my patients husband told me he had been very sceptical about reiki - but now he swears its the only thing helping Anne. There is a real chance her family will continue to pay for reiki once her 12 free treatments are over. I just hope she survives that long. Pancreatic cancer can be vicious. But if reiki is playing any part in helping her - I will carry on giving her reiki to support the medication. Its the only way I CAN see it.

I had hypnotherapy from Clare yesterday - to try and help me unblock myself. When she had gone I used the wii fit for the first time in 22 days. Cause and effect?

Its Ultrasound day. I have to drink a litre of water/squash from 10.45. I think I will do my drinking at the hospital and take a good book to read to while away the time. I don't fancy travelling with a full bladder. Apart form that I am back on the Movicol - which is having minimal effect, and dreading dressing because it is freezing and I want to wear trousers but am afraid it will irritate the cystitis. But do you know what? I am feeling so upbeat and positive it is untrue. I don;t even mind that I feel the size of a beached whale this morning! I have set up a new FB account in the name of Krystal Wolf. I am using that to post availability for readings publicly - i.e. not just to friends. That way we can reach people we don't know. Tony did 2 free readings yesterday, is doing (or has done overnight?) another one - and that person wants to see him for a face-to-face paid for reading in the future. It just shows the power of positive thought. Still no sign of reiki or hypnotherapy clients for me - none of the nibbles I have had have turned into bites - but I don't care. It will happen when the time is right. I am even quite cool about the fact I am probably not going to hit my two targets. I may have my portfolio done by Christmas - but I don;t think i will hit my weight loss target - but then I haven't weighed myself so I don;t know. Do I have any serious intention of stepping on the scales? I don't know. I may . But I am not going to be ruled by a number. Is this 'failure 'relevant? I my present state no. I feel as if a huge corner has been turned - except I didn't know it was blocking the way until I turned it. I feel at peace with myself. I know I need to focus on what I can learn from the fact I set the target - and didn't hit it. "There is no such thing as failure - only feedback"

Its been a turbulent 36 hours for me - probably 48 hours or longer for Tony. The first I knew about it was when Tony sent me an email at work saying he was giving up psychic work because he wasn't getting anywhere. So he pulled out of the psychic fair we were going to yesterday, left krystalwolf on Facebook, and even told me he had 'fired' his guides. I went to the fair without him, had an amazing reading done for me, did one reading myself (it was really quiet so I was grateful for that one) The reading I had (asked for by me for me) was about us - and how intertwined Tony is with me. Anyway while I was away Tony went public on FB about what he was doing, got some good advice, got told what I already knew guides can't be fired, and has not only rejoined Krystalwolf (as the only admin left I had to agree to let him join) but submitted an application to Psychic TV to become one of their option 0 team. When I got home we even discussed an idea I had about both of us doing a special up at Paula Jaynes. We haven't discussed it but I am presuming he will be coming with me to the psychic supper Karl has asked us to be at on Thursday. I always knew there was a better than even chance he would be their even while I was having a bit of cry about the whole mess sown at The Witch. What can I learn from this? What can I do to help Tony have more belief in himself? I need to think about it carefully. If he had been getting the feedback from me he probably wouldn't have put himself - and me- through this. I really need to work on this. On another topic I have looked at the links given to me by Beachbody. I can't see me doing anything more about it. A 90 day fitness programme isn't the sort of thing I would use. It isn't aimed at fitness - its aimed at getting a 6 pack - and that isn't my idea of 'fit' Anyway I sit here this morning with IBS playing up, back on Movicol, having had cystitis bug me most of the night. I will be relieved to get the ultrasound over tomorrow - and very glad I am not back at ROH until Thursday. Roday I want a nice relaxing day with Tony.

I did the paperwork, pciked up my prescription from the GP, and dropped it off at the pharmacy all in the smae swimming trip. We went o Cocksmoor Wood - and I took a walk down memory lane - not always a happy one either. But I enjoyed the swim . Apart from that I didn't do much yesterday. I didn't go anywhere near the portfolio. I feel my food and water intake was OK. Not brilliant but OK. I avoided coffee until the evening - and then I had decaff anyway. I was drinking decaff tea most of the day. I still had a slight cystitis issue last night. Last night I had lots of issues tho. i couldn't sleep. It must have been at least 2 before I finally got to sleep. I slept through until nearly 7 tho so I dn;t feel too bad this morning. I just don;t know why I couldn't sleep. So this morning I am tired, but I have done my spiritual 'workout' including my phone call to the cosmos. It was interesting - details are in the other blog. I am ready for a day at work - although I would much rather be doing a day of reiki

I have a day off today - but I will be using it to sort out paperwork, write christmas cards, do some more work on my portfolio. I am also going swimming with Maggie. yesterday at the hospice was a good day - and I may even have a paying client as a result of it. Time will tell. I drank loads of water yesterday, and my food was ok. No biscuits at all. And I didn't grab a late night snack to take up to bed with me. I have had tea to drink rather than coffee this morning. I have identified coffee along with sugar as two things which may tend to irritate my cystitis so I am going to see if I am better on tea. I had an intriguing email the other day from a company who have spotted my blog and want to know if I will include a link to mention their products. I will take a look at the link they have sent me. It isn't a british company so I know nothing about the product. I am unsure about this. I am not making the mistake of thinking they have picked my blog because it especially good - although I have no doubt I am meant to think that. They have done a search on blogger for words like 'diet' 'food' 'health' and are probably talking to thousands of other bloggers. Well thats ok. But if I DO decide to talk about their products, it will only because I genuinely feel they offer something to fellow marchers on the long and difficult journey to a healthier lifestyle and better life. I feel good this morning. I am still on a high from yesterday at the hospice -and even the game being unexpectedly called off (much to Tony's annoyance) didn't dampen things. I wrapped presents, wrote cards and did some work on my portfolio instead while Tony and Richard played on the XBox. I have eaten a healthy breakfast - and left some in the bowl. I have had water and tea. I am going swimming, and I have a plan for the day.