Edna

They have discovered Edna has a small (very small) PE. So she is going onto therapeutic Clexane and is to start Warfarin. But they don't really think it is big enough to be responsible for her brathlesness. And they still don't have any idea about her foot. That foot is quite warm still and I'm not convinced the cellulitis diagnosis was totally wrong - but on the other hand the pain is a lot less.

I was relieved when I learned the INR checks can be done as home visits. How on earth would I get her to the clinic? Fosters couldn't get her there could they. And they weighed her. 53 Kg (8st 3 lbs) She used to be 10st

I have been thinking again about the sermon on interruptions. Everything seems to be forcing me to stop working - at least to stop wirking full time. Is that so I have time to do what Edna needs? Is this a sign she is going to live long enough to need that help? I hope so - but I have mixed feelings about that prospect. I wish I had a crystal ball so I could SEE what is going to happen. But then we are suposed to have faith that we will be able to cope.

I wish I could have a chat to Denise.

A week off work

I've manged to get this week off as annula leave. I didn;t really leave my boss muc choice - I think she knew if she said no I'd just go off sick

My cholesterol is very high - 6.8 but my BP is down to a more respectable 153/81 (from 168/89) but Dr Parsons wants to see me to reveiw my back (Thursday morning) and I'm being sent for H Pylori testing (Friday afternoon) plus the debtist on Wednesday plus the fact I am very tired and can't cope with rushing.

They still don't know what is wrong with Fanny's foot . They have fixated on her chest and think she has pneumonia . I've tried to tell them her chest is ALWAYS like that - but apparebntly they haven't got the records of her admission to C4, so they are talking about RATS referals (whihc she has already had) Oxygen therapy (whihc she has alreday been assessed for and doesn't need. I feel like acreaming

That Monday morning feeling

This week that Monday morning feeling is tired, with stomach pains and a creaky back and very worried.

I am dressed for work - but don't think I have much chance of making it. My mind wouldn't be on the job anyway.

Here we go again

I woke up this morning long before everyone else as usual and decided ( was called?) to go to the 8.00 am communion at St Mary's. I felt the need to shore up my spiritual strength. Halfway thriugh the service my mobile went off (how ironic thr sermon was all about interuptions) and I saw the call was from Fosters. I didn't take the call then - Istayed at the service. When it was over I rang back and dsiocevered Edna was on the verge of being re-admitted to Selly Oak. So I spent today at SOh - when I wasn't getting stuff from Edna's flat.

Why do I say I was called to go to church? Well I had a sort of premonition about my phone goin off (so why didn't I turn it off?) and there were SO many things in the service that spoke to me. The sermon about interuptions was about her interruptons can be God's way fo showing us what we SHOULD be doing rather than what we PLANNED to be doing. With that idea i mind the message of this year is crystal clear....... I think.

I am tired, I can't face work tommorrow, and I have pains in my stomach that I have suffered from for 2 days now. I am wondering if I have an ulcer. I know I am stressed beyond belief so it wouldn't surprise me if I did - but it may not be. I have an apointmeny with the Nirse tommorrow (to follow up on my cholesterol test which I know was high so I'm guessing I will be on a Statin tommorrow night. Maybe I'll be back on bendro as well - and frankly I don't give a shit at the moment.

This morning going to church was a small attempt to runaway - becasue no-one knew where I was. It was lovely for the short time before that phine went off...............

Finally

Work is over, I have one the shoping and been to see Edna and I don't have to go ANYWHERE for the rest of the w/end.I am going to chill, maybe enjoy some alcohol, and not worry about anything.

We have finally got No 6 ready for the man to come an clear it out. Then we can really start to get on with renovations.

I don't intend to think about food, or work, or finance, or anything that worries me so much these days. I have had strange stomach pains today and I do NOT intend to develope an ulcer.

The end is in sight

I have one and half days of this long week to go. I just want it to be over. Yesterday I opened the minutes of a clincial services meeting that I had not been able to attend. I was incensed to see i one paragraph that aparently I am to fill a slot in the band 6 rota from November - on C2 . Funny thats where I am now.

I blasted Emly (politely) in a email which included the relevant paragraph from the minutes. I copied Dee in on te email. Dee repsonded by seding a new e-mail (not including mine) to Emily John and Donna making it plain SHE was concerned and annoyed and demanding immediate communication about wtf is going on. I am nervous about what may happen if Emily is doing the meeting at SOH this morning. I still don't know if she is oncompetent at man management or or if this is a delibeate ploy to get rid of me. So if she does want us to meet she can talk and I will isten but I am saying NOTHING without talking to Dee first.

Last night I was in the mod for comfort food se we had pie and chips from Barnes Hill. I got a larg portio between us and we still have loads left over. I am eating smaller portions I am sure.

I haven't lost sight of what I am trying to do.

This is a LONG week

And it will be longer than normal becasue I am working on Saturday.

I am tired and very creaky this morning. I overslept and for 2 pins would phone in sick I feel sh*te.

Update

I'm tired, my back has been playing up all day, and I ended up having to lock up on a day when I had left the car at home.

Food has gone OK, I have managed to walk more - although my back has aid the price for that. Work sor tof went OK - but I want to know what they are planning on offerring me

Making a good start

Breakfast is one kiwi fruit and one weetabix and I am eating it slowly.
I have cooked sweetp otato to use in the meal tonigh to save time
I have washed up
But my back is already creaking. I guess it can't al be good news.

I have realised one of the items on Paul's list is to d te mirror excercise and send love t yourself. I realise that is soemthing I haven't been doing lately. So I am going to make an effort to do that today. Maybe not the mirror excercise but some other way of showing I love myself

I have realised I have slipped back into eating what I think I should rather than what I want. I must work on that.

Am I going to leave the car at home today? Big dilemma. I want to try but my back worries me. Watch this space later for the answer

Bedtime update

Yes - I'm managing to make a second post. Things are looking up. No if only I can get my refelctive diary going for work I will be doing OK.

It appears Emily does have plans for me - but IO have still have no idea why the HIV job is no longer apparently on offer. Whatever is in the wind seems to include me doing C2 - something Emily did mention to me some weeks ago. Renda told me she thought the decision to put me ti hel her on C2 was made by Emily. But she is almost as confused as I am wondering what os happening. But I do feel more optimistic.

Food was a bit out of control, and I can't walk much becasue of my back. But on the whole I do feel beter than I have felt dor some time even though my back has been twinging all day

So things are going sort of OK

Tuesday

Well I'm posting again 24 hours later. So I guess thats some sort of discipline restored. Food was a farce yesterday as the drug lunch made it go totally wrong - which it sholdn't have done. I'm still not dealing with comfort eating and thats the main problem.

My back started to play up again around 4 yesterday afternoon and I am now quite cioncern ed about how much longer I can carry on at this pace. I really need my retirment to be settled. Emily was at SOH yesterday - and didn't say a word to me about the whole re-deployment issue. I think she is avoiding me - which makes me even more worried.

Thats about it really. I am already getting interested about what my next post will say.

The key word is still THINK POSITIVE

That Monday morning feling

Its Monday morning I am eating a very healthy breakfast of weetabix (1) Kiwi fruite (1) and plain yoghurt. Once upon a time it would have have been 2 weetabix and possibly 2 Kiwi fruit. And I am eating it slowly. So although I havn't been listening to the tape or really following the programme siomething is sticking.

I'll use the car today to make sure I get home in time for the game (and hope I'm NOT locking up).

If there is no news about the re-deployment I will contact Dee.

I wil try to go to the gym in my lunchhour

That sounds like a plan to me. I think I'm in control of things I can be in control of. All I need to do is stop stressing about things I can't control.

The Monday morning feeling this week is ....well not exactly good but positive.

Giving up?

It is SO tempting to just delete this blog and say I and it have failed. But I'm not going to do that. OK so it has been a week since my last entry - and a dificult week at that. Edna is still unwell; I've been over to see her twice whihc takes time away from Tony. The job I was supposed to be being redeployed into has been advertised and no-one is telling me (or Dee) wtf is going on. I feel as if Emily wants to get rid of me - and frnakly if she does I still think it is her loss. And to put the tin lid on it my back is playing up again due to a combination of trying to do a bit too much and stress making relaxation an impossible dream.

Food control has been difficult. I am eating smaller portions but biscuits are still a problem. And I have still haven't mastered the art f only eatig when I'm hungry.

I feel like screaming - but deep down I know I can still turn all this to a positive persepctive. After all one reason why my back is playing up is because I have been trying to 'move my body' as PMcK would say.

I also listend to the tape forthe first time in days this morning. I didn't go under but I managed to get all the way though whihc is a huge improvment.

I may be down but I am NOT out

I wish I was clairvoyant

I am clearly not because I would never have taken such a optimistic tone in my last post. Edna is unwell againwith both legs leaking copiuously to th epoit where on Friday morning when she woke up she thought she had wet the bed. She ow has to sit with both legs bandaged, and keep her feet up. . Sturday the weather was sooo bad I couldn't avross to see her because of heavy flooding. Sunday she was bretahless again but Steve and I did manage to get to see her yesterady afternoon. Not that it did much good although I think she did take on board that there is no physical reason for her breathlessness and that if she can relax and take a couple of deep breaths when she starts to feel it coming on she will be better.

She gave me Len's (her brother) phone number and address and asked me to ring him. He is clearly worried about her and was grateful that I said I would keep in touch with him.

Do I really wish I was clairvoyant? Porbably not. How would feel if I knew Edna was going to die soon I don't know.

So I once again feel I am being tossed around in stormy seas with litle or no control over events. So I am still tryig to take control over the things I can which means after a difficult week last week, food and excercise are at te top of my agenda.

I haven't managed to eat all my breakfast whihc is a good sign I guess.

I'd like to think I woud make another serious attenpt at my refelctive CPD journal. I will try

Time out

Well things are getting back to normal. Edna is nw home and although she still has problems, the warden is there to cope with most things. I've finally recovered from cystitis, had a scare that I was diabetic and got some good advice form the incontinence clinic. I've told UHB what I want to do about jobs, and despite 2 very bad nights sleep tonight I am feeling quite bright - altough tired but it is ten o'clock.

In short I've survived a difficult week and regained some control over my life, and next week I will try and be more disciplined about food, excercise, and journals. I haven;t done anyhting in my work refelctive journal for some time. I must MAKE time for things like that

So after my unexpected time out with Edna's problems, now its back to normality

Really pleased about one thing. Tony and I are going to see Colin Fry in October.