B day

So here I sit in the silence that is Monday morning .The second week of my new routine. But I am not rushing to get ready for work - I have my biopsy today.

I am trying to work ut how I feel about the biopsy. I was so touched yesterday when Karon hearing that Tony wasn't going with me volunteered in the middle of all her troubles ( her husband walked out on her 4 weeks ago leaving her to cope on her own with 4 kids one a baby of less than 6 months old and one a 4 yo with Down's syndrome) to get her elf from Loughborough to Birmingham to come with me. But I dont need anyone with me. I wasn't expecting anyone to be with me. I am going to QE my home from home for over 25 years!!!. But I am not calm about this biopsy. Yesterday I indulged in emotional eating during the game . I am nervous about the procedure. I am meant to be going to work afterwards but I don't know how I will feel. If sticking a needle in my neck makes me feel ill I wont be going to work afterwards!!

In fact its the uncertainty that is stressing me. I don't know what the process of the biopsy will be like. I don't know how long I will have to wait for the results, and I don't know what will happen if I am in the 5%.

I guess also today it all becomes real in a way it hasn't until now. Although the lump is physically there, and I think it has got bigger since I first spotted it - somehow it isn't REALLY there until that needle goes in. It became more real when it was seen on ultrasound. That was the first proof I had it wasn't just me being paranoid.

Last week I realised the hard way I was physically knocked out by the lurgy and the long spell off work. I had to put the kinect on hold because trying to do a vigorous workout AND suddenly stay on my feet all day was too much. So this week my aim is to work and get myself used to doing that again. Then next week (when I am on the course) I can throw in the kinect or swimming and get back into the routine with that.

The kinect is tough., Tony has been doing some of the gym games and has started noticing pain around his scar so he also has to cut back and is just doing the wii. When we both get into the swing of it I think the kinect will be good for us.

Today I can't focus on anything but the biopsy. But I am determined NOT to start emotional eating again. I will ficus on mindful eating.