Major rant

Today is my day off work when I am supposed to be doing business things, domestic things etc. Quite honestly this morning I cannot motivate myself but I can't afford to waste a day. I am hoping some soul searching on here will help.

I am fed up, VERY fed up. My neck still hurts from the biopsy and I am dreading the thought that I may have to have another one not only because of the procedure itself but because if I have to have surgery I want to get it over and done with and a delay on the biopsy result will delay that.

I don't understand what is happening to my thyroid. If my thyroid function is normal why have I gained weight, why am I always so tired, why have my nails been a problem , why does my hair seem greasier than normal? Or are all these problems in my imagination? Is the weight gain really just due to me being an idle and overeating? And should I change the phrase 'very fed up' to 'depressed' - yet another symptom of thyroid problems

I DON'T KNOW but it is bugging me to the point of paralysis. My weight gain is frightening me - and I don't know if I am just finding excuses to avoid facing up to the real issue.

I am beating myself up which is pointless. If its my thyroid - its not down to me. if its NOT down to my thyroid what I need to do is act to change things and beating myself up about the past is pointless. I jst can't move past the fear and anger.

So having ranted lets take a deep breath and see if I can find a way out of this. Panicking about my weight is not going to achieve anything. I almost feel as overwhelmed as I did in the wake of Alan's death and that is ridiculous.

So what am I telling myself I MUST do today

Shopping
Taking another proof of ID over to the hospice for my CRB check
Contacting NHS pensions to get the information I need for my accountants
Doing some exercise
Sort out the laundry (I just made a start on that one)
Spending some quality time with Tony

So why I have decided it has to be done TODAY. Well thats easy - I am not at work. But why this week? Now thats a good question. The accountants can wait. I can write /email NHS pensions one evening to get the information I need. I can t post proof of ID to the hospice.

Shopping is a must - we have to eat. Quality time with Tony is a must and can only be done on my day off. I can fit in some gentle exercise on the kinect or wii fit this afternoon.

I think I have stopped panicking - but at least I have a plan

Reality check

I got a HUGE reality check yesterday in two ways. The second was the moment I realised I was definitely having surgery no matter what the outcome of the biopsy. Knowing academically you may be facing surgery is one thing. Knowing you WILL be having surgery is a very different thing and I have to work out my feelings

But the first reality check came when I got weighed - and I had to get weighed twice. 94 Kg. That is 10 kKg higher than I used to be and its ALL happened during the past few months. Part of me wants to run round like a headless chicken and panic - but that wont achieve anything. The other part of me is acknowledging that I HVE to do something. For what ever reason my weight is now out of control. While part of it could be due to thyroid issues, part of it is almost certainly due to lack of activity once I stopped training for the 5K run and then had less work. But part of it is due to poor eating habits.

I need to remember and do my best to stick to Paul;s rules especially the eating slowly one. I also need to gradually build up my activity again. But I am not going to suddenly start doing 30 minutes aerobics every day. Working is a very good form of excercise for whihc I get paid. The extra's I can add in as I feel better.

But I think the memory of the feeling I had when they told me my weight will prove a useful motivator

B day

So here I sit in the silence that is Monday morning .The second week of my new routine. But I am not rushing to get ready for work - I have my biopsy today.

I am trying to work ut how I feel about the biopsy. I was so touched yesterday when Karon hearing that Tony wasn't going with me volunteered in the middle of all her troubles ( her husband walked out on her 4 weeks ago leaving her to cope on her own with 4 kids one a baby of less than 6 months old and one a 4 yo with Down's syndrome) to get her elf from Loughborough to Birmingham to come with me. But I dont need anyone with me. I wasn't expecting anyone to be with me. I am going to QE my home from home for over 25 years!!!. But I am not calm about this biopsy. Yesterday I indulged in emotional eating during the game . I am nervous about the procedure. I am meant to be going to work afterwards but I don't know how I will feel. If sticking a needle in my neck makes me feel ill I wont be going to work afterwards!!

In fact its the uncertainty that is stressing me. I don't know what the process of the biopsy will be like. I don't know how long I will have to wait for the results, and I don't know what will happen if I am in the 5%.

I guess also today it all becomes real in a way it hasn't until now. Although the lump is physically there, and I think it has got bigger since I first spotted it - somehow it isn't REALLY there until that needle goes in. It became more real when it was seen on ultrasound. That was the first proof I had it wasn't just me being paranoid.

Last week I realised the hard way I was physically knocked out by the lurgy and the long spell off work. I had to put the kinect on hold because trying to do a vigorous workout AND suddenly stay on my feet all day was too much. So this week my aim is to work and get myself used to doing that again. Then next week (when I am on the course) I can throw in the kinect or swimming and get back into the routine with that.

The kinect is tough., Tony has been doing some of the gym games and has started noticing pain around his scar so he also has to cut back and is just doing the wii. When we both get into the swing of it I think the kinect will be good for us.

Today I can't focus on anything but the biopsy. But I am determined NOT to start emotional eating again. I will ficus on mindful eating.

So its Friday and the last day of my first week back at work. I am tired, I ache, I have woken up with another sore throat and any thought of turning on the Kinect or Wii is laughable. I need all my energy for work.

On the positive side clearly I am moving my body a LOT more than I have been both by being at work and by walking to work. I think that will have to do for the moment.

Food is still a bit of a battle. There are always biscuits and sweets up for grabs at ROH. I need some positive re-enforcment to keep me away from them. But outside work things are going ok. I didnt have any .biscuits last night

Today they have asked me start at 9.00 so I am going to have minimal time to do much before I go apart from get ready. But I will be leaving earlier if its quiet.

I did do the exercises that Chris set as homework yesterday and I should find time to do them today. I will do some meditation before I leave for work today

So I thinks its a case of 'so far so good' I am on the right track but still have a way to go.

It is the first Thursday of my new routine - and I am sitting here feeling a bit yuck. But in kepeing with my new practice I do not have either the radio or television on and I can hear a bird singing outside - which is very cheering.

I think I overdid with it a vigorous workout on top of the walking and a days work. I was totally knackered yesterday and didnt get up until nearly 9. I am still tired this morning, and rather bemused with juggling how to get to the dentist this evening. I will HAVE to have access to my car so somehow I have got to leave the car nearer work than my garage.

Anyway I am not doing a workout this morning (and didn't do one yesterday) And tomorrow when I will do a workout it wont be the personal training thing, I am on my feet and moving so much at work I think that will have to do as the increased movement I am aiming for. I have been staggered by how tired I have been and am this week.

Because I have been tired food hasn't gone well.It went totally to pot yesterday. Never mind today I go back to eating slowly and mindfully, and really appreciating what I eat.

On Monday I saw a FB post about 2 free places being available on a mediumship development course near us. So I grabbed them and last night was the first night of the 5 weeks. I think it is going to be so helpful. And much to my relief he isn't teaching us meditation . But last night he taught us useful techniques to relax both the body and the mind . I have a good feeling about the course

I am tired, still with a cough and I ache a lat - but I have a good feeling about today too. Both food and my transport issues can be and WILL be sorted .

So far not so good

I found yesterday VERY tiring . I think adjusting to regular work is going to be tricky. And the senior technician still persists in bringing in biscuits. I ate far too many biscuits yesterday because I was tired and stressed. I need to do some self hypnotic stuff to help me with that I think.

But on the plus side I have used the Kinect this morning, and I have made myself a fruit smoothie as a drink, and BOY do I know I have done the workout on the kinect.

Also on the plus side I have been honest and I have blogged.

Its not all bad news is it?

New routine

Today is the first day of my new job with a new routine - and I have made a great start by getting up late. But I didnt sleep well and I am not sure why.

Food and exercise have been going pretty well since my last entry. I am using the Kinect 'Your shape fitness evolved' and it is MUCH tougher than the Wii. But I am going to stick with it. And I will be doing more walking now I am back at ROH. Plus last week on the course I was working with one of the students who specializes in weight loss and she did a short session with me that has managed to reduce my biscuit obsession.

Despite being late up I do still have time to do meditation, exercise, and the other things I want to do - but I wont have any time this morning for studying.

I am a bit down that BOTH my prospective hypnotherapy subjects have put it off. But life is like that

So at the start of this new section of my life I am comfortable, can see where I am going and keeping positive

The power of 'ill'

I have been at low parr for weeks now. I came down with flu a week before Xmas, felt better by Xmas Eve then had a dip on Xmas Day and didnt feel like eating much. I slowly imporved then on Tuesday this week I had another sore throat and felt as if I was coming down with a cold again. Yesterday I felt so bad I didnt go to my hypnotherapy course and spent the day taking strepsils and paracetamol. This morning I STILL have a sore throat on one side. Interestingly it is the same side as the large nodule on my thyroid and I am wondering if that is a coincidence.

I know that thinking of yourself as being 'ill' is a great excuse not to exercise enough, and it can also become an excuse to avioid other issues. So recognising real illness is quite important. So am I really 'ill'? Is this one sides sore throat infective or mechanical? I know I still have the remnants of the cough from my flu but do I have an exacerbation of the old illness?

I am trying to balance my priorities. I MUST be fit to go to work on Monday (although using Eriksonian techniques I could ask myself what will happen if I dont) OK I WANT to go to work on Monday and want to be fully sit to do that. My problem is whether to do that I need to sacrifice the course again today?

If I am not 'ill' then going is the best thing I could do. It will get me out of the house and it will inspire and motivate me. If I AM ill then going could lead to a relapse.

I guess the best thing to do is go, because if I start to feel really poorly i can always leave early and accept that I will have to redo this module later.

That feels like a plan to me.

A new fitness strategy

Yesterday I used the Kinect and played a game on Kinect Adventures before I went anywhere. I have also ordered the fitness programme for the Kinect so when that arrives I have 2 goals.

1. learn how to use the Xbox/kinect with confidence
2 Get back in the habit of daily workouts.

But I wont be doing a work out this morning becasue I feel awful. I have a horrible sore throat, and feel as if I have the beginings of a cold. But the nose and eyes could still be the remnants of the bug I had before Xmas whihc never really went away.

I still am not on track with food. There are biscuits on offer every break at the course and I am am eating too many. But doing a this course will help me sort out my motivation and the blockages in my goal to lose weight. Although Nick the course tutor came out with an unteresting comment. If you talk about losing weight it implies that you can find it again. So he talks about reducing weight instead.

I think I was on the right track when I didnt make my weight part of the goal at all. My aim was to get fit - and maybe I ought to get back to that.

So I am slowly working on my fitness strategy - but I know I have to get the balance right between my health and my fitness.

I was chatting my masseur friend last night and he asked about my back. He was concerned I have let exercise drop - and he thought having a goal like the Race for Life would be a good motivator. Maybe not the Race for Life but I think I might try and find another 5K race I could try

self esteem

Over the past few days I have had a number of reminders about the importance of looking after myself and the need to bolster my self esteem. I am hoping starting on the second module of the hypnotherapy course today will help to boost my self esteem - which I have to admit is at a very low point. I seem to be trapped in that horrible viscous circle where I try to bolster my self esteem by snacking - it was peanuts last night- and then the realisation that I over ate makes me feel fat and bloated and generally feel very bad about myself.

I know some of it is emotional eating because I am worried about what the biopsy on my thyroid will show. But this morning I feel truly terrible. Sluggish, tired really really fat. I know one way out of the cycle is to get back in the exercise habit - and part of me wants to go for a walk. The other part of me is worried about my safety in the park in the dark. So I am aiming to go for a swim before the course starts. I know action is the key to getting out of this horrible place I am in and that is the easiest action to take,

I saw a wonderful work out program for the Kinect yesterday and I am going to get it and use that instead of the Wii fit. It will be better for me because it doesn't weigh you.

I got my copy of 'I can make you thin' back yesterday. I wonder if that isa sign I should start using it again?

I am really looking forward to the course this week. I am really looking forward to next Sunday when I will be doing my first hypnotherapy session with a real client - one of role player friends. I am looking forward to having a routine in my life again once I start work at ROH. I think lack of earning capacity has been hitting my self esteem more than I thought too.

I haven't written down any goals for 2011 yet. I think I need to set some goals to provide some focus. I will get them sorted out by the end of this week.

Looking back and looking forward

Looking back at 2010 it has been a mixed year. I haven't lost weight - in fact I have put weight on. I did well with exercise and am still pleased by my efforts in the Race for Life. Although I haven't had the paying reiki clients I set as my target I have had 1 - but I have had MORE than 5 reiki clients that are NOT friends , because of the afternoon at the hospice. That is going to 'pay' in a different way when I start working regularly at the hospice.

So what about 2011? Well I am NOT giving up on trying to stay fit. Today I didnt finish my breakfast - my oirst attempt to get back in line with Paul's rules. I have a feeling the hypnotherapy course is going to help me a lot. Signing up for the course was the right thing for me to do.

I need to get back into the habit of exercise. There is no doubt training for the Race for Life was a good motivation for me. Maybe I should sign up to do it again.But I would like someone to exercise with. Margaret and I are going swimming together now - but its a bit sporadic.

Fitting in meditation and exercise should be easy with my new booking at ROH. An 11.00 am start gives me PLENTY of time to do both. I have no excuse to slip out of the habit again. In fact the first few months of 2011 are sorted as far as work is concerned.

There is of course one blot on the landscape - the lump on my thyroid. I have the biopsy on Jan 17th. I have no doubt once I know the result of that I will be more focussed