being self aware and self critical

Yesterday I read a Spark People article that said that working long hours causes people to gain weight. I disagree. It isnt the long hours it is the probably unhealthy lifestyle and possibly the persons response to stress that causes them to put weight on. At least that is how I see it.

I spent some time thinking about that, and then thought back to something that was said on my one day hypnosis course 'taster'. Unless the patient co-operates with the hypnosis - and with the techniques suggested to combat the problem - the treatment won't work.

I am currently NOT working, I am beginning to realise that money is NOT going to be a problem - and have actually turned down a 30.00 an hour booking because I didnt want to drive to Burton to work. I would have been exhausted. So I dont have those stresses - but I am NOT losing weight - because I am NOT sticking the rules that I know will help me.

This is MY fault - and I am not passing the buck. I felt the Sparkpeople piece was giving permission to pass the buck and blame their work for their weight problems.

Yesterday I did 15 minutes jogging and 30 minutes swimming . I have been doing better with exercise recently and I am swimming a lot more. I am drinking more. but I am still not eating slowly. I am still not listening to what my body is really telling me about food.

What are the stress points in my life?

Krystal Wolf isnt progressing
I still have the lump in my neck
I am still a bit anxious about money especially now I am about to have my Wednesdays taken up with volunteering at the hospice

Am I being sanctimonious in my response to the Sparkpeople article? What right do I have to be critical of others when I am not a shining success myself?

Am I getting anywhere?

It doesn't feel like it at the moment. I am still trying hard to eat slowly and drink more water. I am certainly doing better with both but still feel I am not doing as well as I can.But it takes time to get into habits- and I am determined these are going to become habits.

The lump on my neck isn't due to a normal type of thyroid problem according to my GP. My thyroid finction tests were normal - but the lump is probably a euthyroid lump and may be caused by reduced iodine intake due to me using a salt substitute that isn't iodized. My BP is fine so something is going wright - but how ironic is it that a move I make for health reasons has possibly CAUSED a health problem. Its all a question of balance I suppose

I am at work today in Leamington so am up earlier than normal. I am having some breakfast - and I know I am not going to finish tje bowl partly becasue of time constraints but also because I am no longer hungry - but I wasn't that hungry to start with. I just know I will hungry later if I DON'T eat now.

In fact I feel over carbed this morning - and I didnt eat much fruit and veg yesterday I have to admit. Toast, cheese on toast and cous cous were my main foods. On the plus side I didnt do any snacking.

I think I need a nive vegetarian meal tonight to provide some balance (and fibre!!)

Why I don't lose weight

I have been thinking since Sunday about why I dont stick to Paul's rules and why I don't lose weight. This has of course been triggered by Sundays course. (And I have booked myself on the full 4 module course !!) when we discussed why hypnosis DOESN'T always work. I have experience of both. It worked when I did CYLI7D, it hasn't worked to kelp me lose weight, with the same hypnotist using the same techniques (techniques I will soon be in a position to use professionally! )

Hypnosis isn't a passive therapy - it is an active therapy. The client HAS to co-operate both with the hypnosis and with their actions afterwards. Clearly I am not co-operating with actions afterwards. Which means I am getting something from my unhelpful and unhealthy choices like eating too many biscuits - as I did last night. Part of me doesn't WANT to lose weight. I have to find out why.

Something to think about as I continue to stick with my attempts to drink more water and eat more slowly.

Hypnosis

I went an a course about hypnosis yesterday and it ended up as a very bad eating day for me. Too many biscuts at the course and when I got home Tony was unwell and didnt feel like eating a proper meal so we just had baked pototo. Since this was what I had an saturday night too - followed by a late night pertion of chips picked up as I drove home form a bonfire party - I think I am suffering from carb overload. I feel very sluggish this morning.

I certainly haven't had much fruit or veg.

I am sitting here feeling simultaneously full and hungry. The top bit of me feels hungry - the bottom bit feels full. But I have no idea what I want to eat - and I don't think it is real hunger. So I am drinking coffee, water and fruit juice.

Yesterdays corse has got me thinking about why CYLI7D worked for me but ICMYT didn't. I have no doubt something useful will come out of this process.

In the meantime the day when I will get the results of the blood tests and find out what the lump in my neck is is now very close. It will be this week. I can't deny I am anxious. Its not paralysing anxiety. I am still functioning very normally. But I am constantly aware of the lump mentally. Physically I can see and touch it but but am not aware of it physically unless I do see and /or touch it . It doesn't hurt .But it is always there at the back of my mind.

I am determined to continue with my goals of eating slowly and drinking more. I am doing better with water, and I am eating slower than I was .

I just have to keep going.

I am feeling pretty grumpy today - but trying to work through it without having an argument with anyone.

I am doing MUCH better with drinking water and yesterday evening I ate my meal much slower than I have been doing. I guess practice does make perfect. Well not perfect but I feel I am moving in the right direction.

I am trying to be very constructive in what I do and how I think. But its tricky when at the back of my mind I am wondering what is going to happen if the blood test does NOT indicate a thyroid problem

Safety valve

This blog is really the only place where I can own up to exactly how fed up I am at the moment. Well moaning on here is much better for me than comfort eating. All I can think is about the things that haven't happened

I still havent done my accounts
I am still not drinking enough water
I am still not eating slowly enough
I still haven't got any reiki clients
Exercise was going OK - but the wii fit board decided to play up and I switched the whole system off in disgust after doing 2 yoga exercises very badly.

I am worried about Tony because he didnt feel up to going out last night. Yesterday should have been our return to Wolverhampton and Gill and Darren. But he did 20 minutes on the wii fit (grr the board worked for him of course) and ended up really tired. He also didn't look well and I am worried his wound isn't healing as it should .

I am also worried about the lump in my neck. This morning I feel listless, lethargic, fed up. I didnt sleep well and one point my right hand felt the way it used to when I had carpal tunnel syndrome. Of course that is another symptom that fits the hypothyroid diagnosis I have made for myself. But that could well be a psychosomatic reaction so I dont trust it.

My IBS is still grumbling along. No pain but some discomfort. I have the feeling I should be taking Movicol on a more regular basis. But that could just be my mind playing tricks on me about what my guts actually are doing..

I am scared of life at the moment - and I think I am building walls around me to protect me. But those walls are cutting me off from people. I can feel myself retreating into myself, not wanting to bother anyone.

I have GOT to get to grips with how I am feeling and deal with it sensibly.

Waiting

Yesterday food went OK ish but not brilliant. Having done 25 minutes on the wii fit I got an unexpected extra half an hour of walking when I made a quick trip to the GP

I was washing my hands in the cloakroom where we have a mirror and suddenly thought 'It looks as if I have a goitre' Then another look and I realised the lump was on the side of my neck. I have too much knowledge to ignore a lump on my neck which is why I ended up going to the GP. She sent me for blood tests which I had at the Katie Road walk in clinic. Reassuringly she didn't rule out a thyroid problem despite the position. But she did mention the Neck Lump clinic at the QE depending on what the blood results show. As well as Thyroid she is checking liver, renal bone(?) and the normal markers of infection plus a general blood count. This lump could be anything from an infection through to lymphoma with a lot of things in between. I am hoping my initial reaction was a psychic one .

If I do have an under active thyroid it would explain the poor sleep, and the weight gain.

Despite worries about the lump and me wondering if Tony has a wound infection I did make a start on my accounts.

I am still not eating slowly enough but I am doing a lot better with water. I also still tend to snack when I am not really hungry inthe evenings when I am tired. I think I am I am wondering if that is the key to this. If I am less tired I will be more thoughtful about what I eat.

Feeling fed up

Yesterday wen't fairly well I suppose. I did 20 minutes wii fit jogging, and some 'down on my hands knees moving furniture' cleaning. Cleaning wasn't on my list for yesterday, but I spotted much at the edge of the rug and ended up cleaning under the rug , the settee and one armchair, That not only gave me some exercise but did contribute to my desire not to fritter away these days when I am not working.

I did also put in some work on getting my business account sorted out ready to send to the accountant. However I didnt do as much as I hoped.

I gave up on being dynamic early afternoon as I was quite tired, and to be honest fed up. I was overwhelmed with dissatisfaction at my lack of success recently.

I didnt drink as much water as I intended - but this morning I have already drunk almost a 1 litre. I woke very thirsty again this morning,

Food was ok ish. I did manage to eat slower - but I know I still need to slow down even more. I still did some mindless snacking - but it takes time to break these sorts of habits and today is another day.

I didnt meditate - and that is something I know I need to deal with

This morning apart from thirsty I feel sleepy - but not tired. I did sleep better last night. My IBS is still registering - and i am not sure what I should do. I feel quite bloated as well. I have the normal pain in my thigh. I do still feel a bit fed up - but I am determined. I have a few things going for me to keep me focussed. One of the things keeping me focussed is that I have lots of fresh vegables aorund that need to be sued before they go off - and another box will be dleivered tomorrow. So I have the excuse to get very creative in the kitchen and produce food that is healthy and nutritious. I think a vegetarian stew could be on the menu later in the week.

So today I am going to focus on - and do better - with drinking water, and with eating slowly.

Post wii fit entry

I did 25 minutes on the wii fit including an island lap in 10 minutes. I did a body test before I began and according to the wii fit I have put on a pound since my last test a couple of days ago. This shows how meaningless daily weighing is . I have no doubt that extra pound was due to the large amount of water I drank this morning. I drank 20 ounces of water in one go ( a pint) . So I don't feel worried. In fact if I hadn't drunk all that water just before I did the test it may well have shown a slight loss.

So I actually feel quite encouraged. My weight is going in the right direction and my wii fit age which was registered as being over 70 due to problems I had with tests - is down to 46 again.

keeping focussed

Today marks a watershed in a couple of ways. It is the first weekday of my long run with no planned pharmacy work. It is also the first weekday or more or less normal functioning for Tony after his op. Tonight we are having our normal game, and we are going over to Wolverhampton on Wednesday. Also last night for the second night in a row it was past midnight when he went to bed.

So the next few weeks should now be focussed on building up reiki/card clientel. The trouble is I dont feel up to doing it. I feel crap this morning. I am also acutely aware of a number of things I need to focus on with regard to me and my health.

I am not sleeping well at all. Last night I woke with a very dry mouth and a coughing fit. This is a sign of rampant hiatus hernia believe it or not. I presume this is another signal of the weight I have put on.

I am doing better with exercise now. The wii fit is back in daily use - and I can avoid the vagaries of the board by doing things like jogging that dont need it.

Water drinking has been a disaster - and I hope the memory of last night will keep me focussed on that. Npt only will it help prevent the dry mouth but it will also help me train my bladder. As part of the coughing fir episode I headed to the bathroom feeling as if I needed the loo and I only passed about 250ml. This is half what a full bladder should be able to contain. Drinking lots of water will train my bladder to et used to holding larger amounts

My eating is out of control. I am not bingeing but I am eating far too fast and as a result eating far too much.

Yesterday I meditated for the first time in days

Basically I feel as if I am out on control and I know I have got to do something about it.

As I am typing this I have a glass of water that I am drinking. Listening to my body it feels bloated and I am aware of some IBS pain. My stomach feels full - but I feel hungry - which is absurd. I feel very tired, I am aware of discomfort in my right thigh (this was also part of what kept me awake last night) I wish I knew what this pain was. It has been happening for more than a year now. I am 90% sure it is muscular but why THAT muscle and never another one? And why does it only ever start in bed?

I need to break down the task facing me into bite sized chunks so I dont get overwhelmed - which is rather how I do feel. As well as my health issues, I also have to do get my business accounts sorted out - and I am scared something horrible is going to show up. "Scared' eally resonated with me as I typed it. I am scared about the future - another sign that I have lost control - or feel I have lost control - of my life.

So I have got to GET control of my heath issues and my fears.

Today I am going to drink lots of water, and eat slowly. In fact I will focus on those two things for the next two weeks.

Today I will make a start on getting my accounts onto the spreadsheets.

I will use the wii fit (That is already becoming a habit again)

I will take 30 minutes to do my spiritual thinks like meditation and prayer

That all feels manageable for today.