Trusting the scales

The scales are a very deceitful peice of equipment because 'weight' is such a nebulous thing. Fluctuations of less than 2lb (!Kg) are meanigless. Except they can have a devestating effect when you are watching the figure on the scale. Thats why I dont weigh myself regulalry. I am also afraid of what the scales may say.

On Saturday I needed to weigh a cat so I had to step on the scales - and to my amazement it registered half a stone ( (about 3Kg) lighter than I was expecting. Not only through but well below the 14st barrier . I am not sure I believe it. I did a body test on the wii fit and it showed I had stayed static - but interestingly below the 14st barrier still.

But at the very least my poor food management and lack of exercise hasn't caused me to puy ON weight - and that is a big boost.

This morning I used the wii fit - and jogged. I did an island lap -something I would have been unable to face last week.

I may not trust the scales on a day to day basis - but over the long term they show trends - and the ternd is in the right direction

Feeling better

This morning I had the energy to exercise and use the wii fit. I not only exercised but I did 20 minutes. I am confident my food management will be better today too. I am feeling mUCH more positive. I do hope it continues

First steps

Yesterday I officially volunteered as a reiki therapist at the hopsice. There is a long way to go. I will need a CRB check (unless I can retrieve mine from the agency gggrrrr) But I have taken the first step. Unless they tunr me down at some point I will giving reiki in the hospice this year. I need to find out how many other Marie Curie hospces there are I could get to. Wolverhampton would be possible.

This doesn't override the overwhelming feeling of tiredness I have tis morning. I have had no response to my request to drop my hours to 30 a week. Probably because Natasha isn't there. Oh well its only a few weeks more.

AHP contacted me yesterday to ask how things were going at Solihull. I have told them I am only looking for short term sporadic work like the week at Leamington which was fine. So they will know the news this morning. I dont think they will too worried. I suspect that soon they will have too many locums on their book anyway.

Keeping positive at the moment is tricky because I am so tired.I know I am eating emotionally and it is doing me no good at all. And I am too tired to use the wii fit regulalrly.

If I am to change me so I can lose weight I ahve got to change my life so I can do it. Its as simple as that

I have a dream

not as big as Martin Luther's dream of course but I have a dream for my future. It involves me = slim and energetic, working as a reiki therapist. Working with people not pieces of paper. One of the CYLI7D questions is 'What do you love to do so much you would pay to do it?' I realised after some soul searching over the weekend 'helping people' comes into that category. But at the moment Pharmacy isn't letting me do that in a way I can relate too. But my efforts to build a reiki business are so far foundering. But I want to use my reiki - so I have decided to volunteer to provide it at the hospice.

I have also decided I will never build a reiki business until I comit to it - so this booking will be my last. I am still happy to do odd weeks to cover but generally I dont want to be working 5 days a week.

Financially we can survive on my pension and the money in the bank. I would rather try and fail than regret never trying at all. I think my lack of commitment is one of the reasons for my lack of progress.

If I start making progress with that, who knows what will hapen to my eight?

The weekend is in sight

Only one more day to work this week - and I am SO glad. I am SO tired this morning. I can't face the wii fit, my attempts at meditation last night were a disaster and frankly food was also a disaster yesterday.

But one of the beauties of Pal's training is that after a day like that I dont feel like throwing in the towel, I just think I will try to do better today.

One of my cards yesterday was 'God Box' and I did spend my lunch time writing down all the things I am worrying about so I can put them in a 'God Box' and in theory stop worrying about them.

My CYLI7D training is still working even if' I can make thin' seems out of reach at the moment - but hey all I have to do is follow those 4 rules.............................

4 weeks of full time work has convinced me I can't do full time work any more. I just hope I have a chnace at this job at Worcester . 30 hours a week in a private hospital will be enough for me. I will be happier when I get some sort of response from them to say tey have received my application. I must try and get through to them today

Being realistic

This is something us people on journey's to health and fitness sometimes have problems with. Setting realistic goals, setting realistic exercise targets, actually being honest with ourselves about how much we DID eat and drink . Understanding why we do this can be useful in working out how we got to where we are in the first place - which may help us move on.

But sometimes the universe just gives you a message that is too clear to ignore and you have to face up to the hard facts.

My attack of realism is the fact that I am so very tired at the moment. I physically cann't work full time . I can short hours on a longe term basis or long hours on a short term basis but going back to full time work is not on the cards for me.

The universe has stepped in to teach me this lesson - by taking away the trip we were going to make to Leicester this weekend for a BBQ. The prospect of a weekend with nothing to do is very VERY appealing. However the universe is also waving a carrot under my nose of a permanent 30 hours a week job at a small private hospital in Worcester. It was put on the groups Intranet the day I turned up to work at another of the groups hospitals. So I have applied for it. Having some certainty of income will make my life much easier and help me to get to grips with all the issues I mentioned on Monday. I have finally reaslised I have been so focussed on work issues I havent focussed on the other issues hence the lack of progress. There is also a self image issue that I perceive myself to e a failure - when I may not be.

This morning I am so tired I can't face the wii fit at all. I am wondering if I am actually safe to try and cary on at Solihull seeing how tired it is making me. I may ask Natasha today if she has a cut off date for me yet.

Knowing how much longer they want me for will help me decide what to do

Three days in a row now I have needed the alarm to wake me up.

Yesterday food went MUC better and I did 30 minutes on the wii fit in the evening.This morning I have done 10 minutes and will do some more tonight.

I wonder if I will have the guts to do a body test soon?

Tuning in and listening

This morning for the second time in 2 days I needed the alarm to wake me up. I feel stiff, achy, have a twinge of sciatica.

Physically I am NOT good this morning at all. I am very VERY glad I am out at Little Aston for the next two days which is much less stressful than Solihull. My body is telling me a number of things. The first is don't go near the wii fit this morning. I have time to exercise tonight.

The second thing is that working full time is no longer on my agenda. When this stint at Solihull is over I am not accepting any more long term full time bookings.

Food yesterday went well until I got home. I had a biscuit fest last night. The four rules broke down when I had my dinner. Is it because I am tired? Was it because Richard was already here when I got home so I had an audience? And once the discipline had gone it was as if I thought oh what the hell.

A case of frustration

It is no comfort to know that every person on the journey to improved health and fitness will feel frustration at times.

Knowing other people have been where I am now doesn't help me get out of it.

I think it may help to list the sources of frustration so I can either see a common factor or can by listing them get some ideas for how to deal with things So here goes

I am not losing weight - but that is because I am not actually sticking to the 4 golden rules.
I am not making anu progress with my reiki
Although I have finally finished my OU course I am frustrated that I didn't do better. I know I want to go on and learn more but I don't think I have passed this course

I could go on but won't. And I dont have time to realy go into things now if I am going to get to work on time. Lack of time is another source of frustration.

My task for today is to work out if tere is a common factor to all these - and then blag about it.

One posaitive factor is I am looking at my bowl of cereal and thinking I can't possibly eat that much.

Reflection

I found myself looking back through my blog today to remind myself when Mum died. I knew the anniversary was very soon but I couldn't quite remember the date.

I have just found myself thinking about my reflective activity for my OU course ECA - in which I said I found reflective activity for learning hard to do.

This morning I went for a walk in (or rather ROUND) the park during which I found myself rather a lot of reflection about things.

I am doing rather a lot of reflecting at the moment. Which is interesting when I don't think I am that good at it.

So what has been the outcome of all my reflection? Well reading back through my blog has shown me I haven't made as much as progress as I would like. My life now is much MUCH better than it was 2 years ago or even a year ago. I have made progress in building a new life for myself. I have found a new direction for myself with the reiki. So WHY do I feel I am making no progress?

Well I still weigh the same, I still look the same and sadly I realise I still FEEL the same. I still have the same self image problems that have dogged me for years.

I need to work on this because I think this is what is stalling my progress with reiki .

Getting some discipline back

I am now in my third week of full time working. And I feel I am now into a routine. I have imposed some discipline on myself in the mornings. I realised Facebook was FAR too alluring and wasted far too much time. So I just dont go onto FB in the mornings.

So yesterday and today I have done a 20 minutes workout using the Wiifit plus routines, meditated and did my spiritual things. I organised all my sandwiches at the weekend so all I have to do is grab them in the mornings. In short I have got control of my life again.

Here's hoping I will see some improvement in my food management and maybe maybe even some weight loss?