A major dilemma

I had a flare up of my IC on Friday. It could have been caused by the yoghurt I had for lunch but work was rather stressful . The stress got yanked up several notches when Emmeline had a word with me about my error rate at Maureen's request. I let an error go out earlier in the week. It got caught by the nurse before the TTO was given to the patient and the doctors prescribing was a factor BUT it shouldn't have happened. However in my whole career no-one had EVER put me in the position where I feel as if my error rate is worse than anyone else's. At the end of the day I am human. As the talk eded with the warning that they are advertising for a band 7 bank pharmacist so my services may not be required there much longer I feel rather bruised and battered. I also don't think they have any idea whether or not my error rate IS worse than anyone else's so I don't feel I have been treated with respect. But then that is the management style there My problem is am I safe to work in that environment? Is it time to walk? The systems there are not good and there is a high level of stress involved with the job. Could I cope with just the work from Little Aston? Who incidentally contacted me on Friday to book me for another day. I have said says thinking it was a Saturday - but it is a Friday and I now have to tell ROH I can't do that day for them. I have the perfect excuse since they are hinting they want me to go anyway. What upsets me about all this is the attack on my self esteem and confidence. I vented big time on LV and got as gratifying amount of support. But I still need to decide whether I walk now or wait and see what happens. Actually its a case of whether I MUST walk now because I am not safe or whether I am still safe and its just their over bearing management style. The conspiracy theorists would say I am too expensive at my grade. It is a coincidence I have been told they are seek a band 7 bank just after they have had to pay me for 70 hours annual leave/ bank holiday pay....... So what do Ido? Part of me is thinking if I give up the hospital I will be able to focus on building up my client list for reiki and readings - maybe even hypnotherapy. It just seems strange this has happened just as I am gaining confidence in my reading/mediumship ability AND when my other pharmacy client suddenly asks me for an extra day at short notice - and in so doing re-enforces my confidence in my professional ability. If the work at the orthopaedic is drying up I need to start NOW to look for alternatives. Is cultivating Little Aston and putting more effort into my spiritual work what I am meant to do. This the the blog as a meditation tool coming into play. I know I COULD manage on my pension.....just. And Tony now earns some money. Interestingly he ALSO has been having hassle with HIS work and was thinking of walking. And he also has some kind of new opportunity being given to him tomorrow. Is there some sign in the timings of our dilemmas? Is my desire to go int tomorrow and tell them I am walking just a desire for revenge? OK lets apply the reiki principles Do not worry - that could mean I don;t have to worry about money Do not get angry . The hospital does strain that. the whole set up makes me angry. And I have said often enough I would walk if they ever became registered because I could not sign on as RP. How many times have I said I can only cope there because I DO have the option to walk. Be honest and hard working. Well I can't really be honest at the hospital about how I feel. And I AM hard working but they don't appreciate me. Be humble and respectful. I need to respect the way THEY work. it is THEIR choice . Am I being disrespectful Be compassionate to yourself and others. Well being compassionate to myself means i walk. being compassionate to others means I stay . BUT con a be truly compassionate to others if I am being UNcompassionate to myself. You get more of what you focus on. I have been focussing on working as a pharmacist. Maybe it is time to focus on working as a reader?

One more sleep till the ghost hunt

I am feeling really really positive today - tired but positive. I did some readings yesterday and got some great feedback. Circle went well My food and drink intake was good I did a lot of walking yesterday - and hour of leafletting and then 30 minutes on the wii fit So what do I want from today? A smooth day at work, I am using the car as I want to go shopping straight after so I can relax tomorrow before the ghost hunt. A relaxed and peaceful evening with Tony. Me e easily making healthy food and drink choices. I can see it all happening just as I want it to. I want to try and fit in some self healing before I go to work. I haven't done nearly as much of that as I should. No lets re-phrase that I WILL fit in some self healing but I will have to get a move on as I have less than an hour. I will be SO glad when the 9.00 am starts are over!

Eating and drinking what you REALLY want

I have realised something these past few days. Apart form the one evening when I really fancied coffee - so I had one- I haven't missed coffee. Not being a caffeine addict I haven't had any withdrawal symptoms. I look forward to my morning cup of red-bush. Stirring it with a vanilla pod is a mini L'Oreal moment. I clearly need to apply Paul's advice about food to my drinks as well So this morning I am feeling positive. yesterday was a good day. I ate and drank healthily on the whole, I moved my body, and I felt healthy. Today is salon day and I am looking forward to a good one. paula has blanked out her treatment time for 10.00 . When I have treated her if the weather holds I will do some more leafletting. We have circle this evening so I will be doing some meditation later. I haven't been finding time to meditate - I haven't adjusted to the 9.00 start at ROH. But I WILL improve on that. So what can I apply the reiki principles to today? I am worried about TC - I need to put that worry out to the universe. What will happen will happen I got angry yesterday with Skoda who yet again didn't turn up when they expected. BUT I found their website and complained. I didn't really get angry - I took action. Today I can imagine myself getting angry if my spiritual exercises don;t go brilliantly. I MUST NOT DO THAT> I need to recognise it takes practice. Today I need to work hard on my meditation BEFORE I got to the salon. And I need to work hard delivering leaflets and cards I need to be grateful my IC issue has been solved so easily. I wore tights yesterday, I am in my pj's again this morning. And I have NO DISCOMFORT. I need to have compassion for me before I can have compassion for anyone else. Do I need to be compassionate to TC. Is it time? That is I want today to be positive. I want to have delivered at least 100 more leaflets and cards by the end of the day.

I realised that the calmness at work may depend on me. If I get irate about something it sends the wrong signals out. Yesterday I stayed calm. But it did help that Pam wasn't there. I really worry about what may happen when she comes back. Ah ...but I mustn't worry must I? First reiki principle. Wow what a reminder. So what do I want for today? And how am I getting on with my goals for the week? After that reminder I need to incorporate the reiki symbols and principles into my life? Now there is a thought. I have just had a picture of the department with a huge CKR in it. Ok..... something is nudging my brain. I need to get my talk done for tomorrow - even though I have a feeling it may not take place. But I don;t think that is me getting a signal; i think that is me being me and thinking negative. Apart from that I want the same as yesterday. To be fair I was tired when I got home, and had to dash out to get a sonic rodent repellent. Having had 3 dead mice in 2 days a 4th live mouse appeared just after I got home - and all the cats wanted to do was play with it. However finally it was cornered and killed by them. But we are worried there is a nest somewhere ....o joy. Anyway all that dashing about took time and left me very tired - so I didn't achieve much last night except to watch tv I was late up this morning so this is a close as I am going to get to meditation before I go to work. This 9.00 start is being quite disruptive. But food wise yesterday went well. The IC exclusion diet continues - and I feel wonderful. I am learning to really like Red-bush tea - and I am not really missing coffee yet - but then I haven't smelt any coffee really. I am going to meet someone in a cafe on saturday....so that may be a tester. Because chocolate is a trigger and we only have chocolate biscuits I haven't snacked. And to be honest I suspect some of my snack favourites may be triggers. Hopefully this will get me back on the slimming tack as well as dealing with my IC.

Back to my tabula rasa

I saw H last night and he asked me how meditation was going. Of course it isn't so that is something I MUST address starting NOW. What do I want for today? What signals do I want the universe to pick up and act on from me. I want to be pain free - but I am working on that - and today I feel good. I want work to be calm - but I am not expecting it to be - and that is bad. BUT I can MAKE it calmer by staying calm myself. I can help calm things by my approach. And that is clearly what I need to do I want to be able to look back at the end of the day and see I have made real progress in something - and what popped into my head was my portfolio. I want to look back at the end of the day and be happy with my food and drink choices, and the amount of exercise I have done. I am going to use the meditation room before I go to work. I am feeling good this morning - focussed and determined. My food choices yesterday were largely determined by what I feel safe eating in view of my IC - but I get the munchies during the game last night. However the muncging was MUCH reduced. I used the wii fit and went swimming yesterday. That should kick start my exercise programme. I am going to set goals for the week as well as for today. By the end of the week I want to be pain free from the IC, I want to have meditated properly at least 3 times, I want to feel confident about my abilities when we go to Hinckley on Saturday.

reality check

I am feeling very very sorry for myself as I contemplate the reality of living with the diagnosis of IC. The list of trigger foods reads like my favourite things. Coffee, team chocolate, spices, fruit, yoghurt.............. add in onions and tomatoes and that means a lot of my home cooking may have to be changed. I don;t eat a drink a lot of ANY of the possible trigger foods - except fruit - and coffee. Even the decaff version is a trigger for me I believe So I need to be tea coffee and caffeine free asap. I have a real problem in working out what I can drink apart from water. Anything acidic is out, so no fruit juices and I feel fruit teas are out until I have got on top of the flare up. I am going to give it two weeks with redbush tea as something hot, and the rest of the time just plain water. I will avoid all the foods on the trigger list So onions have gone on the dsilke list for Abel and Cole, and I will have milk on my cereal not yoghurt or fromage frais. I will cut out citrus fruit - so no oranges, But I will still have apples paers bananas and kiwi fruit. I will avoid curry. And hope at the end of two weeks I feel better so I can start re-introducing some of my favourite things . It is going to be a long two weeks.................

Light at the end of the tunnel?

Well what a strange day yesterday was. No reiki given, even to Paula, no customers through the salon yet(but some people still interested), and no leaflets delivered because IC was still making me feel blah. So I decided in the end to cancel circle. I wasn't in the mod to meditate or lead. BUT Marie never got the message and turned up. She wanted a reading tho and having just booked two tables for us at the Stratford psychic fair, I decided I needed to get my hand back in and do it. (I was by this time feeling better) The reading went well, and I posted on FB that I felt good about doing it. This prompted a response from a FB friend that she wondered why I didn't do readings................... and she and her eldest daughter are planning on having reiki and readings when Sallie gets some money through from the council. I have alo acquired two new decks of cards from Marie (her payment for the reading I gave her) One of the decks was Steven's whihc is why Marie no longer wants it. It is an angel deck that literally gives detials of the various angels and archangels. Tony did a random pick and got Rapjael. I did a random pick and got Michael. Wow. I slept with the other deck (angel tarot) under my pillow last night. All I had to do was TELL people what I like doing - and I got some business. I am confident Sallie will follow through on what she said. If I can get that into my advertising material...................... So what do I want for today? An easy day at work. I have to start at 9 for a few days. Something I could do without - but it will be OK. I am sitting hear looking forward to the walk through the park. And since Pam won't be there it should be a manageable day. A good ghost hunt tonight ...Tutbury Castle!!! It should be amazing. I am GOING to pick something up as a medium tonight. Make healthy food and drink choices. My lunch is already at work - and know I know about the IC drinking water is something I am even more motivated to do.