Well I'm up at normal time, I've breakfasted slowly and conciosuly, I'm about to go and make my lunch. I' planning a whole day day at work (maybe even until 5.30 which will be the latest I've done so far!) .
I spent a quiet 20 inutes in bed without the radio on, praying and doing visualisation or trying to do visualisation.
I am making a morning entry in the blog, having spent some time on e-mails and other internet stuff (Facebook is adictive!)
I think I am getting back to normal. We'll see how it goes and I will rpeort back in tonights entry
Thursday, 31 July 2008
Wednesday, 30 July 2008
Restoring manual control?
I suppose an entry every other day isn't too bad at the moment. I went to work today - although I didn't stay all day. I decided today wold be a good day to take the half day I am owed from working the other Saturday. I managed OK at work bt was glad to leave when I did, I got paid today -good news - but ther think I am still off sick - so they put me down to half pay with SSP. So my money was over 500.00 short. I have managed to sort it out and I will get the money I am owed on Tuesday - but it dod feel rather as if someone is getting great pleasure out of crapping on me from a great height .
However I am now determined that I am NOT going to take more than 5 days during my current problems and I AM going to work full hours - even if it means I have ti use the car every day.
Food hasn't been totally out of control - but I haven't really binged so I feel I am doing well under the circumstances. I am NOT superwoman - and I am NOT going to critcise myself.
I really am feeling better today, and I do now beleive (as opposed to know intellectually) that I will survive all this sane
However I am now determined that I am NOT going to take more than 5 days during my current problems and I AM going to work full hours - even if it means I have ti use the car every day.
Food hasn't been totally out of control - but I haven't really binged so I feel I am doing well under the circumstances. I am NOT superwoman - and I am NOT going to critcise myself.
I really am feeling better today, and I do now beleive (as opposed to know intellectually) that I will survive all this sane
Monday, 28 July 2008
On autopilot
I didn't even make an entry yesterday. I don't have anything specifically to say at the moment except that everything is still crap and I still feel numb. I'm going down to Wycombe today to help out and I'm dreading it. But I'm moving on autopilot
Yesterday I was autopilot for eating too whihc is hardly suprising, but today I am going to try to stick to the 4 rules.
I have got to feel I have control over some part of my life (food), even if most of the rest is in total chaos. If Iwas anorexic that last statement would be very worrying since all anorexics starve themselves because they want control over something. Maybe I should be worried that I feel like that. I know mentally I'm not at my best at the moment (understatemnet of the year? decade?) and I don't need unresolved mental health problems on top of everything else.
Yesterday I was autopilot for eating too whihc is hardly suprising, but today I am going to try to stick to the 4 rules.
I have got to feel I have control over some part of my life (food), even if most of the rest is in total chaos. If Iwas anorexic that last statement would be very worrying since all anorexics starve themselves because they want control over something. Maybe I should be worried that I feel like that. I know mentally I'm not at my best at the moment (understatemnet of the year? decade?) and I don't need unresolved mental health problems on top of everything else.
Saturday, 26 July 2008
Moving forward
I've spent time thinking today about how bloody awful this year has been. I just want to wipe it out and forget it - but I know I can't. So they only way I can cope with all the bad stuff sthat has happened is to try and get some good stuff out of the experiences. That will take time.
Intellectually I know one day I will look back at this and say 'Yes it was awful - but I survived it and came out the other end sane' At te moment I can't imagine how I am going to do that. I think I need to find 'Care of the Soul' an dip into that. My soul needs something at the moment - but I'm not sure what.
People ask me 'how are you' and I say 'Doing as well as can be expected under the circumstances' Actually considering the circumstances I think I'm doing very well indeed. But I still feel very detached from everything. When that ends , then I think I'm in for a very rough time - and maybe thats what I'm scared of.
Mike is here today - and is very kindly providing a meal for us tonight. He has brought the ingredients and will do the cooking. I was really touched by that. I think its more a thank you for all the meals he's had here over the weeks, but tts nice he chose to do it this weekend when its obvious I'm not going to be at my best.
I feel so lucky to have so many good friends supporting me, who can accept that I don't feel like talking or doing much at the moment
Intellectually I know one day I will look back at this and say 'Yes it was awful - but I survived it and came out the other end sane' At te moment I can't imagine how I am going to do that. I think I need to find 'Care of the Soul' an dip into that. My soul needs something at the moment - but I'm not sure what.
People ask me 'how are you' and I say 'Doing as well as can be expected under the circumstances' Actually considering the circumstances I think I'm doing very well indeed. But I still feel very detached from everything. When that ends , then I think I'm in for a very rough time - and maybe thats what I'm scared of.
Mike is here today - and is very kindly providing a meal for us tonight. He has brought the ingredients and will do the cooking. I was really touched by that. I think its more a thank you for all the meals he's had here over the weeks, but tts nice he chose to do it this weekend when its obvious I'm not going to be at my best.
I feel so lucky to have so many good friends supporting me, who can accept that I don't feel like talking or doing much at the moment
Friday, 25 July 2008
A long day
This day seems to have lasted for ever I was up so early. As per normal Jane and Bob are mega organized . They've already thoought about the funeral, does Steve want to help carry the coffin (he doesn't) flowers and a suitable charity for non family members (Mum's beloved Donkey Sanctuary) I've even been told details of her bequests. I sense that Jane is coping by burying herself in activity and lists and orgaization.
My hardest moment today was ringing the home to thank them for the way they looked after Mum. When I saw her last week she was at such pains to tell me how happy she was at Hazlemere Lodge and I wanted the staff to know. I didn't know the woman I spoke to - but she knew Mum and said what a wonderful person she was.
She could be when she wanted - but she could be very manipulative at times. That wasa side she didn't show to the staff at the Lodge.
I've tried to imagine the funeral and can't without my stomach knotting up. I can't begin to imagine how I will get through it
I am tired, numb, have a stinking headache, can't concentrate on anything, and feel generally shitty. I am bad tempered, and lousy company. But what do I expect?
On the plus side it seems I am going to get a good legacy. I didn't know Mum had much money but the boys all get 1000.00 (verbal bequest according to Bob who I presume is executor) and he casually said there was 20.000 in one account which would come to me!! I may have misunderstood and it has to be split between Jane and I but at the very least I will get 10,000 which will pay off a lot of debts, and that isn't all her money.
I have contacted work to let them know. I am entitled to 5 days compassionate leave. I don't know what to do about work really. I wasn't myself before all this happened. I am worried I clould be an accident looking for somewhere to happen at the moment. But I may feel better once I have ad some sleep. I hate to do it, but I will have to use Zopiclone for a day or two
My hardest moment today was ringing the home to thank them for the way they looked after Mum. When I saw her last week she was at such pains to tell me how happy she was at Hazlemere Lodge and I wanted the staff to know. I didn't know the woman I spoke to - but she knew Mum and said what a wonderful person she was.
She could be when she wanted - but she could be very manipulative at times. That wasa side she didn't show to the staff at the Lodge.
I've tried to imagine the funeral and can't without my stomach knotting up. I can't begin to imagine how I will get through it
I am tired, numb, have a stinking headache, can't concentrate on anything, and feel generally shitty. I am bad tempered, and lousy company. But what do I expect?
On the plus side it seems I am going to get a good legacy. I didn't know Mum had much money but the boys all get 1000.00 (verbal bequest according to Bob who I presume is executor) and he casually said there was 20.000 in one account which would come to me!! I may have misunderstood and it has to be split between Jane and I but at the very least I will get 10,000 which will pay off a lot of debts, and that isn't all her money.
I have contacted work to let them know. I am entitled to 5 days compassionate leave. I don't know what to do about work really. I wasn't myself before all this happened. I am worried I clould be an accident looking for somewhere to happen at the moment. But I may feel better once I have ad some sleep. I hate to do it, but I will have to use Zopiclone for a day or two
RIP Mum
Its stupidly early o'clock but I can't sleep. I was due to go down to see Mum today to help Jane but she died yesterday evening. I expected it, and it is to an extent a releif. But I am very worried about how Jane will cope. I am also worried about me. I am numb. I haven't really cried and I know that isn't normal. Its all too soon after Alan's death and all the grief that caused. I am dreading the funeral. I don't think Steve ought to go to Mum's funeral. He didn't know her that well, and I am worried about it stirring up memeories of Alan's funeral and stirring up emotions he isn't ready to deal with. But I am positive he will want to come to support me.
I don't know what to do about that. I also don't know what I ought to do about work. I don't know if I am capable of working or not. A lot will deend on how well I sleep. I wouldn't be fit today thats for sure but I must tell work what has happened today.
I don't know what to do about that. I also don't know what I ought to do about work. I don't know if I am capable of working or not. A lot will deend on how well I sleep. I wouldn't be fit today thats for sure but I must tell work what has happened today.
Thursday, 24 July 2008
An addicition???
Blogger was down last night when I went to post. I really missed it and I'm glad its back this morning. Tis bloging lark is definitely addicitive. Imnd you if it IS, then would be a likely sufferer as I do like writing.
Anyway yesterday didn't do as badly as it could have done - but definitely wasn't a shining success. The gnawing hunger of yesterday morning did abate, but I couldn't resist some comfort eating, although I did eat everything conciously. It really has been a long time since I ate anything quickly - even a biscuit. Overall my consumtion of biscuits is still WAY done, I haven't eaten crisps for days, and haven't treated myself to a choclate bar for weeks. The days when I could buy a triple Bounty bar and eat all three while waiting for the bus to Selly Oak have totally gone. My portion sizes are still smaller than they used to be so taken as a whole I am still doing OK. Yesterday was a blip. Certainly today I am NOT feeling hungry yet so haven't eaten anyhting desite the fact that I really want some Ibuprofen and won't take them on an empty stomach. I need to time my Ibuproefen to when I have eaten - not eat soemthing becasue I need Ibuprofen as I did last night.
Talking of Ibuprofen, I am needing more painkillers. Yesterday I was starting to get marked twinges in my back, so I left about 4.00. I decided not to risk twinges becoming shooting pains. I had to take painkillers at work as well. First time I've had to that for a long time.
So how did I do with dealing with yesterdays list of stresses? Well I contacted every friend who is spiritual in any way and aksed for prayers for Mum and Jane. This meant Denise and I are back in contact and I now have her e-mail address. She had lost my new mobile number and didn't recognise my number when I texted her. She was genuinely pleased to learn it was me contacting her. I dodn't hear anything from Jane yesterday so I suppose no news is good news.
Today Steve and I are going to take the next steps to securing his estate - sending leters of administration to the many and varios people who need them. That will be a wieght off my mind. If things go well with lloyds today he may even get access to 20,000 in which case I may suddenly no longer have an overdraft. I know his priority will be to pay me what he owes me.
This morning I am going to draft loads of letters for him so all he has to do is approve them, print them off and sign them. He has no idea how to word a formal letter. I will do it THIS time then he will learn so next time he can do it himself. Unless he formally asks me to look after that side of things for him - be a sort of secretary. Bottom line is he is only 19 and a student. He doesn't have the time or the experience to do a lot of the stuff he needs to do in relation to the house. But I must resist the tempation to become an interfering mother , and I must resist coddling him. In the end its his house, his business and I don't to force him to involve us (me and Tony) in the business. I think he wants us involved - but our roles need to be defined the way HE wants.
I am really looking forward to this break from work. I don't go back until Monday. My back will be glad of the rest. I am looking forward to re;axing, doig what I want , and really looking forward to going over to Rachel's tonight :-)
Anyway yesterday didn't do as badly as it could have done - but definitely wasn't a shining success. The gnawing hunger of yesterday morning did abate, but I couldn't resist some comfort eating, although I did eat everything conciously. It really has been a long time since I ate anything quickly - even a biscuit. Overall my consumtion of biscuits is still WAY done, I haven't eaten crisps for days, and haven't treated myself to a choclate bar for weeks. The days when I could buy a triple Bounty bar and eat all three while waiting for the bus to Selly Oak have totally gone. My portion sizes are still smaller than they used to be so taken as a whole I am still doing OK. Yesterday was a blip. Certainly today I am NOT feeling hungry yet so haven't eaten anyhting desite the fact that I really want some Ibuprofen and won't take them on an empty stomach. I need to time my Ibuproefen to when I have eaten - not eat soemthing becasue I need Ibuprofen as I did last night.
Talking of Ibuprofen, I am needing more painkillers. Yesterday I was starting to get marked twinges in my back, so I left about 4.00. I decided not to risk twinges becoming shooting pains. I had to take painkillers at work as well. First time I've had to that for a long time.
So how did I do with dealing with yesterdays list of stresses? Well I contacted every friend who is spiritual in any way and aksed for prayers for Mum and Jane. This meant Denise and I are back in contact and I now have her e-mail address. She had lost my new mobile number and didn't recognise my number when I texted her. She was genuinely pleased to learn it was me contacting her. I dodn't hear anything from Jane yesterday so I suppose no news is good news.
Today Steve and I are going to take the next steps to securing his estate - sending leters of administration to the many and varios people who need them. That will be a wieght off my mind. If things go well with lloyds today he may even get access to 20,000 in which case I may suddenly no longer have an overdraft. I know his priority will be to pay me what he owes me.
This morning I am going to draft loads of letters for him so all he has to do is approve them, print them off and sign them. He has no idea how to word a formal letter. I will do it THIS time then he will learn so next time he can do it himself. Unless he formally asks me to look after that side of things for him - be a sort of secretary. Bottom line is he is only 19 and a student. He doesn't have the time or the experience to do a lot of the stuff he needs to do in relation to the house. But I must resist the tempation to become an interfering mother , and I must resist coddling him. In the end its his house, his business and I don't to force him to involve us (me and Tony) in the business. I think he wants us involved - but our roles need to be defined the way HE wants.
I am really looking forward to this break from work. I don't go back until Monday. My back will be glad of the rest. I am looking forward to re;axing, doig what I want , and really looking forward to going over to Rachel's tonight :-)
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